To Boldly Flee: Part 2
August 26th, 2012
Open in Prick's office. He's playing Angry Birds on his iPad as Glasses Man comes in, holding some data printout.
Glasses: Uh, sir. This just came in from the NSA. Interesting activity all over the net. We thought it was a worm overriding all the ASL systems, but...
Prick: I told you. I just write Internet policy. I don't understand it.
Glasses: Sir, I think you should see this. (Hands him a sketch of the "hole.")
Prick: Where did you get this?
Glasses: From the mind of a D-List internet celebrity.
Prick: Contact Terl. We leave at once.
Cut to the Doctor's office with Spoony knocked out. Snob is out of the room, Sage is eating a hot dog, and Luke holds a can of soda.
Block: (Sighs) I'm concerned about Spoony.
Tease: He's sedated but his brain is still downloading vast amounts of information from somewhere.
Sage: How much information?
Block: Physically speaking? Enough that it will make that weiner of yours about twice the size of Chicago and three times the height of Mt. Everest. (Sage stops eating)
Luke: (to Sage) Wow, you are hung!
Block: You see, most critics only use 5% of their brain, but Spoony is at 92%.
Sage: Well, why not pull the plug and wake him up?
Tease: Because whatever he's hooked up to is still pumping.
Block: Have you ever tried to unplug a fire hose when it's still attached to the hydrant? (Makes splashy noises)
Luke: Well, what happens if his brain fills to 100%?
Tease: A boom..
Tease: Now you see the conundrum?
Sage: Well, we have to do something. I don't want to see my friend's head explode.
Tease: Oh, don't worry.
Block: We have a contingency plan. (Tease opens up an umbrella)
Snob: (entering) How's Spoony holding up?
Luke: Not good. Ask Sage about his weiner.
Snob: (confused, disgusted) No!
Quick zoom of the door from the outside. Prick and Glasses burst in.
Snob: Um, can we help you?
Prick: In the interest of National Security, we are here to confiscate your spoon. (camera briefly pans to Spoony and then back on Prick)
Prick: (a la Walter Peck from Ghostbusters) Shut this off. Shut this all off.
Tease: Shutting this off would have extremely dangerous consequences.
Prick: I'm not interested in your opinion, you gaggle of quacks. JUST SHUT IT OFF.
Tease: Something out there is talking to Spoony, and we don't know what.
Block: Pulling him out of this coma can have dire consequences.
Luke: Yeah. Tell him about Sage's weiner.
Sage: (nervously chuckles at Prick) That might sound weird out of context...
Prick: SHUT IT OFF!!!
Snob: (stopping him) My friend. Don't be a douchebag.
Glasses: Um, I'm not much of a medical doctor...
Prick: Neither are they. They got an honorary degree from the Freudian University Gift Shop.
Snob: Is that true?
Block: Absolutely NOT!!!
Tease: I got mine out of a cereal box!
Prick: SHUT IT OFF!!!
Glasses: (moving past Snob) OK!
Tease makes an explosion gesture as Glasses reaches for the plug. Everyone cowers behind Prick as Block opens her umbrella. Glasses pulls the plug; once he does, red sirens start going off.
Glasses: Oh, shit!
Everyone looks concerned as Spoony's eyes open to reveal a white glow. He lets out a fiery blast through his mouth that explodes through the ceiling. We then see a montage of red orbs floating around Chicago set to a remake of Mick Smiley's "Magic" (only in this case, "magic" is replaced with "science".) It looks very much like the 'spirits released' scene from Ghostbusters. We also see cameos from other reviewers: Welshy's hat is changed, Diamanda Hagan's sandwich gets replaced by a hand (which she continues to eat), Rap Critic's toothbrush is replaced with a twig, Handsome Tom's desk is moved to the other side of his room, and Suede's sword is replaced with a stuffed toy. The Critic and NChick start to notice the orbs outside his living room window as they come crashing through, knocking them down.
NC: (From the floor, he holds up his phone - the only part of him in the shot) That's it! I've had enough. (Presses a button on his phone)
Film Brain is suddenly teleported out of his home via a Star Trek beaming device. Mechakara starts to leave Linkara's home as police sirens are heard.
Phelous: (holding a vial of blood) Now that I got that stupid horror review out of the way, I can get back to what I normally work on: The cure for cancer!
JewWario is teleported while playing a Nintendo game.
Phelous: Almost done, but if I get interrupted, I'm never finishing... (he gets teleported)
SadPanda: (being teleported from his computer; he sounds "happy") Oh, fantastic.
Cut to Linkara's apartment as we hear a knock from outside.
Mechakara is teleported. Critic and NChick stand up as the reviewers are teleported to his location including: Paw and JewWario, then Joe and Marzgurl. They're followed by Todd in the Shadows, which NChick smiles at, followed by Obscurus Lupa, which Todd smiles at and NChick groans at. They're followed by: SadPanda, Phelous, Film Brain, Mechakara, CR!, and 8-Bit Mickey. They don't look very happy (except for Film Brain of course)
NC: (hesitantly) Hello again.
Cut to Terl's ship, where he kneels before The Executor.
Terl: We have Spoony.
Executor: Excellent. And we have also successfully tested our new weapon.
Terl: And it reached Earth?
Executor: With impeccable accuracy. Oh, it will take a while to regenerate for a second use, but everything is going exactly as I have foreseen.
Terl: Nothing can stop us!
Executor: Yes. You would need a bizarre combination of reviewers, nerds, gamers, and internet personalities to defeat us now.
Terl: And 8-Bit Mickey!
Cut back to the Critic and his band of "reviewers, nerds, gamers, internet personalities, and 8-Bit Mickey." Naturally, they don't look too convinced. Mechakara, in particular, looks very impatient.
NC: So, as you can see, this is bigger than we've ever tackled before. It's not only threatening us. It's also threatening our dead people that we've thrown into space in oatmeal cans. This is big. Now, I know I've never asked anything of you guys before...
Todd: Did he really just say that?
NC: But we have to come together and make things right. Now, Spoony seems to be the major link here. Where is he?
Snob, Luke, and Sage enter.
Snob: In Federal Custody.
NC: Federal Custody? Well, where the hell were you?
Snob: In Federal Custody!
NC: Damn. He must be somewhere where we can't track him.
Cut to a house basement where Spoony is being taken by Prick and his men.
Spoony: Wait! What's going on?
Prick: We're putting you into cardboard freeze.
Spoony: Isn't that just another term for putting me in a cardboard box?
Prick: Lower him in.
Spoony: Wait, no! Ah! (and in he goes; from inside the cardboard box:) Wait, I don't have a Wookie to soothe or a hot princess to kiss!
Prick: (To Agent 1) You, inform General Terl he has his prize. (he leaves; to Agent 2) And you, follow me. We have a critic to crush. (They leave)
Back to the Critic.
NC: All right, then we have no time to lose. We have to go save him. Let's do it.
Lupa: Uh, no offense- actually, a lot of offense- Why the hell should we trust you?
NC: Oh, come on. When have I ever lied to any of you guys?
JesuOtaku suddenly enters.
JO: Oh my God, you guys! I won a car! (She's suddenly disappointed to see everyone, and everyone looks at her the same way) ...I don't check my mail that often.
NC: (after a long pause) Cinema Snob, fill her in.
Snob: (to JO) All right, you're gonna love this...
NC: OK, I lied a few times. And I know I've made a few mistakes in the past...
8-Bit Mickey: Thousands.
NC: And sometimes I've lead you into danger...
NC: But at least I had the best intentions in mind...
NC: And things have always turned out OK.
Everyone but Mechakara: NEVER!
NC: But this isn't about me this time, all right?! It's about Spoony! And Ma-Ti! And whatever it is out there that's turning our world upside down! Something is going on out there. Ma-Ti is alive. And for once in our lives, for once in MY life, I actually have a chance to account for one of my mistakes. I have a chance to actually do something right. Please. I'm-I'm beggin' ya here.
JO: Well, it would be good of us to help out our fellow reviewer, but maybe I'm still riding the high of winning that car.
SadPanda: And if the world goes down the bidet, there will be no one left to watch our reviews.
Sage: And then there will be no one left to criticize!
Film Brain: And then we won't get paid!
NC: That's the selfish spirit! Linkara, what do you say?
Mechakara: Risk Assessment Analysis indicates the probability of your success to be minimal, ensuring your failure and my victory.
Everyone stares for a moment or two...
NC: All right, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna fight science-fiction with science ... science! Only those two doctors who were analyzing Spoony can tell us what's going on. Where are they?
Snob: Um, yeah. About that.
Sage: They kinda got themselves arrested...
Snob: ...by assaulting a federal agent...
Sage: ...and a cop...
Snob: ...who they stole his gun from...
Sage: ...and used it against him...
Snob: ...to steal a squad car...
Sage: ...in exchange for...
Snob: ...an ice cream truck...
Sage: ...and high-tailed for Tijuana...
Snob: ...where they were picked up by the Mexican Federales...
Sage: ...dressed as nuns.
Snob: They're gonna be gone for a long time.
NC: Boy, that's quite a routine you worked out there!
Sage: We worked on it in the car.
Luke: You did awesome.
Phelous: Well, that's just great. Anyone else know a scientist batshit crazy enough to know what's going on?
Film Brain: Wait, Critic. Where'd you get the beaming device? The one that brought us here?
NC: Oh, I stole it.
MarzGurl: From who?
The Critic thinks for a moment before we cut to our culprit in his lab (with bubbling sound effects).
Dr. Insano: So, the critics have come home to roost, eh? But what makes you think I want to help any of you in any way?!?
NC: (on the phone from his computer) Oh, come on, Insano. You know just as well as I do your ass is on the line. If we don't stop this thing, it's gonna be anarchy and chaos. The world's gonna be turned upside-down.
Insano: Precisely, which will make it all the more easy for me to take over!
Lupa: Or it could turn you into a hippo's ballsack.
Insano: Good point... Very well! There's only one explanation for what's going on here, and I think I've figured it out.
Joe: Good. So what's with all these anomalies then?
Insano: The answer is quite clear. We're dealing with... (dramatic turn) a Plot Hole!
Everyone: ...A Plot Hole? (note how NChick is constantly rubbing Todd's arm and fawning at him the whole time)
NC: What do you mean, a Plot Hole?
Insano: I'm talking about a portal that shoots out nothing but inconsistencies and mistakes. (Turns on a projector, and everyone turns around to see what it projects: the space anomaly we're now familiar with and a "Plot Hole" caption underneath it) Right is wrong! Wrong is right! Forwards is backwards, and backwards is forwards! It's a gateway to madness, and it's out of control. (cut to NC intently pondering what Insano's saying) Any outcome could occur, and anything that was impossible before is possible now.
Paw: But what started this Plot Hole?
The slideslow shows the battle between Ma-Ti and Malachite.
Insano: Well, you see... when Ma-Ti's ring collided with Malachite's Hand, the resulting explosion ripped a hole in the Space Story Arc Continuum (Shows a hole on a map of stars with several circles around saying "bad", as if it was drawn by a toddler), thus filling the Story Arc with all these little pockets of chaos.
Sage: Well, that's why we wouldn't notice all the PAINFULLY OBVIOUS inconsistencies around us. (turns to Mechakara standing behind him) Isn't that right, Linkara?
Mechakara: Indeed. (Sage turns back ahead and smiles)
Insano: (turning off the projector) Yes. It also explains why Spoony could transform into me in Kickassia, even though we're obviously two completely different people!
JewWario: But wait- That was in the past...
Insano: Oh, Jew-Luigi, once again, you're not thinking fourth-dimensionally. Time isn't a straight line. It's more like a David Lynch movie: a wondering, meandering thing that goes in all directions. And if you're very lucky, by the end, you'll see some boobies and maybe some little people.
NC: Dr. Insano. What is inside the Plot Hole? What is through the gateway of madness?
Insano: I don't know. But what I do know is: if it isn't stopped soon, all logic and consistency will go right out the window. The world will be turned on its head, never able to recover. All will be lost.
Todd: (with NChick rubbing his chest) Insano, we don't have a lot of equipment on our side... (Puts her hand down) Is there any chance we can borrow some of yours? (her hand returns to before)
Insano: Heh! You delinquents already stole from me one time, and trust me when I say it will NEVER happen again!
Phelous motions to SadPanda, who walks up to Insano.
SadPanda: Dr. Insano, I'm curious. What does any of this have to do with Ma-Ti and Spoony? And please, give the explanation that would make you talk the longest. (He snaps his fingers, and everyone behind him - save for Mechakara - starts grabbing equipment)
Insano: Well, that is one of the great mysteries, isn't it? I dare say the greatest and most important mystery that remains to be solved. (Finds an erase board with a mathematical equation ending with "CERTAIN DEATH!") Nobody knows what joins these three seemingly separate things. But figure out how Ma-Ti, Spoony, and the Plot Hole are connected, and you may very well save the human race. Fail... (dramatic pause) and it will be your doom. So, are there any other questions I can help... (Sees everyone and everything gone) Oh, son-of-a-bitch! This is why I need mad scientist insurance. He even took the novelty slot machine! Who does that?
Cut to the reviewers putting together their spaceship: tinkering with the gadgets, MarzGurl straightening a plaque that reads: "USS EXIT STRATEGY To Boldly Flee Where No Man Has Fled Before", Sage puts a beer in a mini-fridge, Critic and Paw working on his commander's chair, etc. Panda just nods approvingly. They then marvel at their finished product, The USS Exit Strategy (which is the Critic's house with rocket thrusters jutting out.)
NC: Beautiful. Isn't it, SadPanda?
SadPanda: It makes me vomitous with loathing.
NC: Thanks for sharing. All right, let's get moving, people-
Paw: Wait. Wait. Wait. If we're going into space, I need a proper attire. (Takes off his headphones and puts on another set of headphones with large Vulcan ears attached)
NC: You're such a geek!
Paw: I find that illogical.
NC: And that's why you're undateable. All right, let's get moving, people. (Sits in his command chair) By God, with a ship in my command and a crew to dispose of...
MarzGurl: Don't you mean "at your disposal?"
NC: Sure. Nothing can stop us!
Except for some approaching cars that we see in the Critic's driveway.
NC: Engineering, how we doing down there?
Cut to the engineering bay, where CR!, Joe, and NChick are.
CR: The adaptive interface link is online, the impulse power is nominal, and the gravitronic positronic generator is about to reach its peak.
CR: We can go in about 5 minutes.
NC: All right, (claps his hands and rubs them) let's get ready to launch!
Marzgurl: Uh, Critic. There appears to be some very angry men approaching from outside.
NC: Jehovah's Witnesses?
NC: (sees Prick and his men on the scanner as it reads "Douches Detected" - they're right outside NC's front door) Crap, we're not ready to go yet. Mickey, stall them!
Zoom in on 8-Bit Mickey and his mustache before cutting to Prick and his men.
Prick: (a la Peck again) Knock this down. Knock this all down.
Agent 2 (Ed Glaser): We can't. We don't have a battering ram.
Prick: Use your foot.
Agent 2: In these shoes? These are Johnson and Murphy Venetians.
Prick: I don't give a shit if you're wearing Jimmy-Fucking-Choos!
Agent 2: You really should have called a SWAT team.
Prick: Check the back. (the other two leave as Prick continues knocking)
The reviewers do some last minute checking as the agents approach the back door. 8-Bit Mickey is there to greet them, dressed in a black suit like them.
8-Bit Mickey: I'm sorry, gentlemen. This area is off limits.
Agent 2: Says who?
Mickey: Section 6.
Agent 1 (Greg Michaud): Wait. We're Section 6.
Mickey: Then you should know.
Agent 2: What district are you from?
Mickey: District ... 9.
Agent 1: That's a movie.
Agent 1: That's Zimbabwe!
Agent 2: So you're a white man with an Italian Jew-fro living in the African jungle?
Mickey: You racist?
Agent 1: Sir, get out of the way.
Mickey: Look, look, gentlemen. (Reaches into his suit pocket) All your questions will be answered if you look right here (Points at what looks like a MIB neurolyzer and turns it on, but it's really a...)
Agent 1: That's a vibrator.
Mickey: (punches both of them with it) Goat fuckers! (Prick jumps in, pointing his gun at him) Thaaaat's a gun.
Prick: We're here to shut you down, munchkin!
Mickey: (stung) I'm sorry. What did you just call me?
Prick: Oh, I'm sorry. You can't hear me all the way down there, can you, little fella?
Mickey: (removing his sunglasses) That's a height joke. I wouldn't go for the height jokes.
Prick: Oh, someone insecure about his height? Perhaps I should get you a booster seat and a Happy Meal.
Mickey: (getting angry) I really wouldn't be saying such things... if I were you.
Prick: Maybe.... just maybe... you should talk to the hand (which he holds up) ...'cause the head all the way up here can't hear you ... Shorty!
Mickey gets progressively twitchy before cutting to the Critic, who's bored.
NC: The hell is taking him so long?
Mickey: OK... (Enters with blood all over him and holding a decapitated hand; everyone in the room looks shocked) So, apparently, Spoony is not on Earth. He's on a hidden base somewhere on Europa. I think, that's the last thing Prick's head said before I shoved it into a weed whacker. Anyhoo, we should be able to catch him if we leave now, so let's go. (he leaves; NC is still speechless)
Snob: (To NC) Looks like somebody called him short again. (NC nods)
Paw: Mickaaay! Good one, man. (Mickey high-fives him with Prick's hand; here we notice "Help Me" written in blood on the back of Mickey's shirt) Dah! (Throws the hand away; the instrumental Reach for the Stars by Richard Harvey starts playing)
NC: (presses a button on the chair) Engineering, let's get going.
CR: (To Joe) Give me a 150 M's and prepare for warp boost.
Joe: Aye-Aye. (Puts a Super Mario Mushroom into the engine; we hear the sound effect of Mario growing larger. We then see the ship's power display show 150 CCs of power)
NChick: But Critic, won't this violate your house arrest?
NC: Why? I'm not leaving the house. JewWario, take us out.
JewWario: Aye Sir! (he holds up a Nintendo Wii steering wheel and begins to "steer")
The Strategy lifts up off the ground into the sky and blasts off to the tune of "Reach for the Stars" by Richard Harvey.
NC: (leans forward in his "best" James T. Kirk impression) Set a course for Europa.
The Strategy manages to get into space. We cut to Terl's ship.
Henchman 1: Uh, sir. The Critic is no longer in Earth's atmosphere.
Terl: What? Impossible! Where is Prick? Put him on screen. (He and the two henchmen look up at the screen to see Prick... or what's left of him. Luckily, we don't. Everyone promptly groans)
Everyone: Oh! God!
Terl: Turn it off! Turn it off!
Henchman 2: Oh, Jesus! No!
Henchman 1: Where on Earth was his nose?
Terl: Those critics are monsters! Everybody to your panels. (He turns around, addressing his henchmen, as we see his giant view screen behind him) Keep your eyes on every single one of Earth's radars. He is not going to escape me this time, you hear? Nothing gets past my cunning eye! (Except the Exit Strategy that flies right behind his back) You hear me? Not one blasted thing, Critic! (The Exit Strategy hits warp speed and leaves... THEN Terl turns around and sees nothing. A long pause - he knows he's whipped) ...Right! What else could go wrong?
Henchman 1: Sir, the Executor would like to speak with you.
Cut to a grumpy Executor and a nervous Terl, who tries to stop his hand from trembling.
Executor: Critic's gone?
Terl: (tepidly) Mmm-hmm.
Executor: Prick dead?
Terl: (quickly) Well, not uh- yeah.
Executor: You pissing yourself with fear?
Terl: (squeaking) Definitely!
Executor: You have failed me for the last time, Terl!
Terl: Well, now if we're doing Empire, that's definitely my line..
Executor: Thus, I am sending you a new master. One that will keep you on... schedule.
Terl: My Lord?
The pod bay door opens revealing... General Zod, who enters in slow-motion.
Terl: Pray, who the devil are you?
Zod: KNEEEEEEEL!!! (with the now-familiar hand gesture)
Terl: Oh dear, he's foreign. Hello, Neil! Nice to meet you. (imitates Zod's hand motion)
To Be Continued.