Titanic - The Legend Goes On

NC Titanic Animated by MaroBot.jpg

March 24th, 2009
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NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.

(“Hymn to the Sea” from 1997's Titanic plays as NC speaks the following)

NC: This is a tale about the ship of dreams, about a young boy and a young girl who fall in love, but are torn apart by their social class. And only, at the height of their emotional commitment, does the ship meet with disas—

(The music stops)

NC: Wait, no, that’s James Cameron’s highest grossing film of all time, “Titanic.”* My mistake. (He clears his throat before the music starts up again) This is a tale about a ship of dreams, about a young boy and a young girl who fall in love, but are torn apart by their social class. And only, at the height of their emotional commitment, does the ship meet with disaster. This...is the story of Titanic…(the music fades out)…the animated musical.

*(NOTE: This is before James Cameron’s film “Avatar” was released, surpassing box office records for “Titanic”)

(The opening title of the movie “Titanic: The Legend Goes On” appears with the movie’s song “Holding Me”, followed by a montage of clips from the film)

NC (voiceover): Now before you say anything, let me answer your very first question: Yes, this is real. Some Italian fart over in Italy decided he wanted to tell his version of how he saw the Titanic, which, of course, is completely different from that other little independent film that came out just a few years earlier. This charming little version has talking geese, Mexican mice, and—-I’m really not kidding here—-a rapping dog.

NC: I swear to God that is true; a rapping dog. (Beat) This film is actually so bad, that a lot of people debate whether or not it actually exists. Copies of it are very hard to find, and most people who see snippets swear it’s just something done by a fifth grader on Adobe Flash! But… (He holds up a DVD copy of the movie) …here’s the DVD to prove it, “Titanic.” (close-up on the back of the DVD box) As it says on the back how “they embark on the REAL adventures” of the Titanic. (Cut back to him) Oh, yeah! Because all the other stories you’ve heard weren’t the least bit exciting or credible, were they? No, no, no. THIS is the exciting version with what REALLY historically happened on the Titanic…with Mexican mice and a rapping dog. HELLO! Be afraid, my fellow viewers. Be very, very afraid. Let’s dive in. (Beat) No pun intended.

(The movie begins)

NC (voiceover): So the film is actually called “Titanic: The Legend Goes On.”— (A clip of the music video for the song “My Heart Will Go On” featuring Celine Dion is shown briefly while NC speaks) Yeah, ‘cause that doesn’t sound at all like another person’s song, does it?—-as the film surprisingly skips ahead a tad to show the actual sinking of the damn ship.

NC: Well, way to give away the ending!

NC (voiceover): You can probably tell from this opening that the animation isn’t all that spectacular. I mean, you have one of the greatest disasters of all time happening, and what do they focus on? The people rowing!

(Cut to two rowers (a male and female) rowing; NC finds the focus on this bizarre)

NC: Uh, you know there’s an awe-inspiring cataclysm of death to your right, don’t you?

(Cut to the rowing sequence again)

NC: Really? We’re…just gonna focus on the rowing here?

(Cut to the rowers still rowing)

NC: Why do I get the feeling if this director saw the Hindenburg disaster, he’d probably take a picture of some pretty flowers?! (A Photoshopped image of such a scene is shown)

NC (voiceover): So my first thought was, “Maybe the movie was so bad, that it decided to fast forward to the end and just skip the whole thing.” (Close-up of the female’s crying eye) But nope. The story is actually told in flashback…

(A clip of the elderly Rose Dawson-Calvert from James Cameron’s “Titanic” is shown quickly)

NC (voiceover): Again, very original.

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): …as we see our main character named Angelica, who is forced to be a servant to her evil stepmother and two selfish stepsisters. Gee, (A DVD cover to Disney’s “Cinderella” is shown) DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?!

(Angelica is seen holding a locket with her mother’s photo while riding a train with her stepmother and stepsisters)

Stepmother: Stop moping over that picture. You’re never going to find your precious mother.

(The stepsisters mugging the camera)

Hortense and Bernice: (lean forward, mocking Angelica) Your precious mother!

NC: (recoils at the scene) Ahh!

Angelica: You’re wrong. I will find her, and my father, too. I’ll find them both.

NC (voiceover): Well, enough of that scene, I guess. This film’s really on the move, apparently, as we jump to the boarding of the infamous ship Titanic. And from the look of half the passengers, you’d swear it was Noah’s Ark, boarding two of every lamest animal, (A trio of Mexican mice is seen boarding the ship) especially the racially insensitive ones.

Short Mexican Mouse: (to Hector, a black and white bird boarding the ship) We’ve been on tour, senor, and cannot wait to get home, eh muchachos!

NC: (as the short Mexican mouse) I'm Sinking Gonzales, the fastest drowning mouse in all of Meh-hee-coh!

NC (voiceover): So we see Angelica with her evil stepfamily, as she holds hope that one day she’ll find her long-lost mother. Maybe even—PFFT! I don’t know—on the stinkin' ship?

Stepmother: (to Angelica) You didn’t pack our clothes properly, you clumsy girl.

(Bernice is seen purposely dropping a teacup on the ground)

Stepmother: (to Angelica) Pick up those bits of broken china at once.

NC: (laughs) What the hell? They actually break stuff for her to pick up? (Beat) That’s not evil; that’s Tourette’s syndrome. Come on, you gotta have some logic!

NC (voiceover): We then cut to a family of mice unpacking down below. When did this movie turn into An American Fail?

Maxie (a mouse son): How about if she (Angelica) comes to our party, Momma? We are having one, aren’t we?

NC: (as Maxie) I can’t decide on my accent, Momma. Is it Italian? Mexican? French?

Maxie’s Mother: We’ll talk to Fritz about her.

(Out of nowhere, Tiger, a Chihuahua, and Geoffrey, an orange cat, appear from the stairs)

Geoffrey: Just the snack…

NC (voiceover): Well, wait. Who are they?

(In such fast-paced action, Geoffrey tries to catch Maxie, but is immediately scared away by a large dog named Fritz)

NC (voiceover): Wait, wait-huh-wait, huh? What? Who? Hey, w-what?

Maxie: (to Fritz) If it hadn’t been for you, I would be now…

NC: (interrupts) What just happened? Is this movie on speed?

Maxie: I would be now in someone else’s digestion.

Fritz: (raps) You know there’s something you should know, so I’m gonna tell you so…

NC: Oh, God, this is it.

Fritz: (raps) Workin’ all day, now it’s time to unwind / Kick back, relax...

NC: Wait! Wait. (The rapping stops as he pulls out a small bottle of Jagermeister from inside his jacket pocket) If we’re gonna go through this, I want to be prepared. (He unscrews the top of the bottle, takes a sip from it, then screws the top back on) All right, continue.

Fritz: (raps while wearing a basketball jersey and shorts) I’ll be bustin’ the moves, and I’ll be bustin’ the rhymes / We’ll be bustin’ out laughing, ‘cause it’s Party Time!

NC: Wait! Wait. (The rapping halts) Sorry, this isn’t gonna do it. (He puts the small bottle to the side, bringing in a larger bottle of Jagermeister, taking a swig from it) Okay.

Animal Chorus: (raps) Party Time! It’s Party Time! Everybody’s feelin’ fine, because it’s Party Time!

NC: WAIT! Wait! Sorry, I need something a little bit more potent! (He puts away the large bottle, struggling to lift up an extra-large bottle of Jagermeister that's almost half his own size, placing it on his desk before he quietly speaks) Proceed.

NC (voiceover): So…yeah, this is just as bad as you think it is. I mean, never mind the fact that the dog is wearing a jersey and singing music that won’t be developed for several decades, but…what motivates him to do such a thing, anyway? I mean, this was the lead-in line.

Maxie: If it hadn’t been for you, I would be now in someone else’s digestion.

NC: (as Maxie) Yes, thank you. If there’s anything we can do to help, just let us know.

Frtiz: (raps) You know there’s something you should know. (NC, as Maxie, widens his eyes in surprise) So I’m gonna tell you so. Don’t sweat it…

NC: (as Maxie) Uh, what are you doing?

Fritz: (raps) Working all day, now it’s time to unwind / Kick back, relax…

NC: (as Maxie) Did I at… any point indicate that I wanted a rap number?

Fritz: (raps) I’ll be busting the moves and I’ll be busting the rhymes / (NC, as the Mouse Son, is seen lightly nodding his head, going along with what is going on yet is still confused) We’ll be busting up laughing ‘cause it’s Party Time! / Everybody’s feeling fine, ‘cause it’s Party Time!

(NC, still as Maxie, makes an uncomfortable awkward smile at the camera, not knowing exactly how to feel)

Chorus: (raps) Party Time! It’s Party Time!

Fritz: (raps) Everybody’s feeling fine, ‘cause it’s Party Time!

Chorus: (raps) Party Time!

NC: (as Maxie) I’m beginning to regret you saving me.

NC (voiceover): I mean, forget the ship! THIS is the major disaster the film was building up to! Even if this was meant to be done in modern times, it still would fall flat on its ass!

NC: (as an announcer) Hey, kids! Just remember: This Friday is the release of Shit Doggy Dog’s latest single, “Kibbles and Bitches.” (A Photoshopped image of a fake single with the Rapping Dog’s head on top of a male rapper and standing between two women is shown) Hey, if it’s good enough to play on a ship where the majority of passengers died, it’s good enough for your five-year-old any day!

NC (voiceover): So, if you’re actually dumb enough to stay after that scene, we find there’s a subplot about two thieves who looks like they’re being led by Bea Arthur’s crazy aunt. They’re being followed by a detective who’s apparently been hunting them for quite some time.

Detective: Special detective Sam Bradbury, Sam to my friends, a threat to my enemies.

NC: (chuckles as he speaks) A detective, really? I’d never be able to tell. By those clothes, I thought you’d be a plumber.

NC (voiceover): So the thieves try to get this one woman’s jewels, but are constantly thwarted by a dog who I swear was voiced by Sam Elliot.

Dog: If I don’t land her the right company, we’re both gonna hit hard times.

NC: (as the dog) I’m talkin’ about the Dude here.

NC (voiceover): They try again later, though, to sneak into the woman’s room and rob her blind.

Dirk: (whispers to Kirk) Leave the old bag to me.

(A fight begins, but we are suddenly cut to black as crashing sounds and noises from Kirk and Dirk are still heard in the background; NC shrugs in confusion at this before leaning close into the camera to make out the scene)

NC: What? Huh?

(In the next scene that is awkwardly edited and paced, Kirk and Dirk run out of the room before we see Sam (wearing a moustache) smoking a pipe; Sam looks around a corner to see Kirk and Dirk walking nonchalantly, but they quickly turn around to leave and he readjusts his moustache; Corynthia (“Bea Arthur’s crazy aunt”) walks out of her room now messy (which turns out the thieves were robbing the wrong room))

NC (voiceover): (speaks during the awkwardly paced scene) Well, why is there a…Who? W-Wait, what?! Where did—W-Who…w-wait, what?! Huh?

NC: WHAT IS GOING ON? Can’t this movie just pick a scene and develop it?! It’s like “The Comedy of Errors,” except they forgot to tell us what the errors are!

NC (voiceover): After that, we jump to yet ANOTHER subplot about a rich teenage boy named William, who’s traveling with his…

William: You mustn’t dwell on her, Nanny.

NC (voiceover): Nanny? Uh, isn’t he a little old to be having a nanny? I mean, what age does he have puberty? 35?

William: Relax. Who knows what’s around the corner? I dream of my first building going up in America.

NC: (as William) By God, I’m so delightfully bland.

Nanny: I wonder if my little girl has had a proper education. I expect I’ll never know.

NC (voiceover): Ohh, how about that? She lost a daughter years ago! Gee, I do wonder how this is all gonna end. It’s just throwing me on so many loops! He goes outside to do…blandish things...when he bumps into Angelica. From there, it’s contrived love at first sight.

William: (holds up a large-sized blue blouse, which Angelica was carrying in her laundry basket) I bet you look ravishing in this.

Angelica: It’s not mine.

(After helping pick up her laundry basket and holding it in both hands, William places his hands on hers and rubs them before they look at each other’s eyes)

NC: (as William) I’m so…spontaneously attracted to you. You’re the only person on this ship that has more lip collagen than I have.

NC (voiceover): So as you can tell, this is just a role reversal of the other “Titanic” movie, except instead of a rich girl and a poor boy, it’s a rich boy and a poor girl. Good God, I hope that means she doesn’t want to draw him nude.

Nanny: Is something wrong, Master William?

William: I met a sweet, charming girl. I don’t know who she is or even what part of the ship she’s in.

NC: (as William) She only said one sentence to me. But it was so… non-fragmented, that I know that she has to be the one!

NC (voiceover): So, will this couple meet again? You bet your poor plotlines, they do, as William comes across a little girl who lost her ball.

Little Girl: My ball! (sobs) It fell down there! My ball!

NC: (mocks the Little Girl) Waaaaaaaah! I lost my ball! This is the worst possible thing that could happen to me on this trip!

William: I’ll get it for you. Back in a minute.

NC (voiceover): While down there, he comes across Angelica again, as the two seem to…um...hit it off, I guess.

William: I was too busy looking for someone. Now that I found her, I’m not going to let her get away from me again.

NC: (as William, holds up a white bag and threateningly holds a knife at it) Now, get in the bag before I stab you repeatedly!

NC (voiceover): So, even though they share a whopping seven sentences with each other, they know they are destined for one another. William asks if he’ll see her at the reception that night. But there’s one tiny problem: Angelica has nothing to wear. Luckily, one of the passengers has an outfit for her to borrow. (Cut to a clip from 1997’s “Titanic” with Jack Dawson trying on a suit borrowed from Molly Brown; NC speaks in rage with clenched teeth) JUST LIKE THAT OTHER MOVIE!!

Victoria: I haven’t worn this since my poor Francis took me to the opera for the first and last time.

NC: (as Victoria) I’m lying, of course. I stole it.

NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, we cut to the animals, who seem to be getting into more trouble, as they search for that blue locket that Angelica lost, (Cut to a clip from 1997’s “Titanic” with Cal helping put on the Heart of the Ocean necklace onto Rose) that doesn’t IN ANY WAY RESEMBLE— Oh, fuck it. You know the drill.

(The mice family tries desperately to open a drawer with a knife, but they get it to open and tumble away at a poor attempt at slapstick comedy)

NC (voiceover): It’s incredible how much these animals have no defining character. In fact, they barely even talk! They just make random grunts and sounds half the time.

(Clips of the mice family making such random grunts and sounds are shown before NC’s bold caption “SAY SOMETHING!” appears with a buzzer sound)

NC (voiceover): So they get the locket back and return it to its rightful owner, just in time for her to be the belle of the ball.

(As Angelica and William begin to dance, "Holding Me" starts up)

NC (voiceover): For some reason, they have a flashback to all the times they’ve been together. (Beat) Yeah, all two of them. So as you could imagine, there’s not much to really show in this flashback! In fact, aren’t we already in a flashback? Did Angelica, while rowing on the boat, suddenly flashback to William’s flashback while she was flashing back?

NC: It’s like this movie has ADD. Didn’t the animators have any Ritalin?

Angelica: I’ve been waiting all my life for a moment as happy as this. No... you know nothing about me.

NC: The first sensible thing said in this movie.

William: Nothing you could tell me…could prevent me from loving you.

NC (voiceover): (dubs over Angelica) I’m a man.

NC (voiceover): (dubs over William) Oop! Gotta go!

(NC makes an edit of William dashing off with the sound effect of a ricochet bullet)

(Cut to William and Angelica slowly kissing each other; we see her lift her bare hands up)

NC (voiceover): (as Angelica) And please don’t ask me where my green gloves went. I’m sure they’ll just magically appear in the next scene.

Angelica’s Stepmother: Angelica!

(William and Angelica notice the Stepmother, and we see long green gloves back on Angelica)

NC (voiceover): (as Angelica) Oh! There they are.

NC (voiceover): (normal) So the animals go back down below to celebrate…the fact that there’s nothing to celebrate.

Mexican Mice: (singing, while intercutting with NC dancing in place) If you’re feeling gusto / There’s something that you can do-sto / Dust off your dancing shoes-sto / And lo fiesta with Mucho Gusto / Same ol' thing, day in, day out / If you’re looking for something new-sto / You wrack your brain to try and figure out what could you possibly do-sto!

NC: (dances in place while mocking the song) Look this stock footage-o / This plot is muy stupid-o / It makes absolute no sense-o / This song is muy racist-o / Arriba!

(Cut to Maxie offering food to Tiger and Geoffrey, who are locked up in a cage)

Maxie: Join the party.

Tiger: We don’t take food from strangers.

(Geoffrey shoves Tiger against one of the cage walls and threateningly holds him there)

Geoffrey: Stupid dog. What am I saying? You look more like a bat!

(As the song continues, NC raises a finger to say something, but he makes a confused face instead to react to what Geoffrey just said)

NC (voiceover): So I know what you’re thinking: “What’s taking that iceberg so long, anyway?”

Lookout Frederick Fleet: There’s an iceberg right in our path!

NC (voiceover): Ah, there it is! Just pray to God it doesn’t have a song to sing, too. So the ship starts sinking—as this constant use of the same scenes played over and over indicates—as the brave, fearless crew tries to get rid of all the water WITH BUCKETS!

Crew Member: Work faster!


NC (voiceover): Look at this; they’re not even throwing the water overboard. They’re just throwing it at the ship! What the hell?

NC: (as a crew member) Hey, everybody, it’s a splash fight! (He pretends to start a water fight while intercutting with footage from the movie) Oh, I’m gonna get you wet! Come on! Whoo-hoo! You’re gonna get splishy-splashy!

NC (voiceover): So William goes down to the lower quarters to get his beloved Angelica. But as we all know from history, the third-class passengers are trapped down below, unable to escape—

(The third-class passengers simply break down the locked gate to make their escape)

NC: Oh, that’s nice. You just ripped through pure metal like it was a waffle.

NC (voiceover): So the two are reunited as they try to get out on one of the lifeboats.

Second Officer Lightoller: All right. Women and children only.

William: (to Angelica) Go on. We’ll be together again soon. I promise.

NC: (as William) I might be a little dead-ish when you see me. I hope that doesn’t bother you.

NC (voiceover): So Angelica manages to get off on one of the lifeboats as she watches in horror the sinking of innocent humanity. But at least they’re not above serving a little humor into this situation!

Little Girl: (points to Kirk and Dirk, making very demented faces) Those horrible creatures are making faces at me!

Little Girl’s Mother: Well, maybe you’re bothering them. Sit over here.

(While this is going on, Corynthia digs through the Little Girl’s Mother’s bag to steal something until the Little Girl sits on the bag, closing it on Corynthia’s hand and making her grimace in pain; Kirk and Dirk laugh to themselves at this)

NC: (sarcastically laughs uproariously) Hilarious! Makes me totally forget that hundreds of people are drowning and freezing to death. This is the funny horrendous sinking movie. (laughs some more before inhaling deeply)

NC (voiceover): So we cut back to the Titanic, as we see young William starting to… break a window. Why is he doing that? We saw clearly before there’s a door he could exit out of.

NC: Maybe he just hates poorly constructed glass work.

NC (voiceover): (as William) How dare they use casement window designs! It’s so last century!

NC (voiceover): (normal) So William...escapes the evil window as he grabs a small child to protect while the ship finally sinks into the abyss. And just how bad is this horrible sight? It actually makes the dalmatians cry.

NC: (sobs) NO! Not the dalmatians! I’ll take the deaths of all the men, women and children, but a single tear down a puppy dog’s face? THAT’S SIMPLY TOO MUCH!

(As the ship breaks in half, William and the boy slide down towards the water before we see the back end of the stern before it finally sinks under the water’s surface)

NC: (brightly) You know, for kids!

William: (grabs onto a floating crate) Help! There’s a child here.

NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, because as history clearly tells us, all the lifeboats came back to rescue the passengers. God, this is so educational.

Male Passenger: (referring to William) Hang on! We got to save him, too.

(A rope has one of William’s legs tied to the railing of the ship’s stern, and (in a sudden jump cut) he goes under)

NC: (as the male passenger) Good Lord! The movie’s trying to drag him down with it!

NC (voiceover): But there is some good news on this maiden voyage of death. It turns out that Angelica has finally found her real mother, on the same fucking boat within the same fucking ship. What are the odds?

Nanny (Angelica’s real mother): I hope you understand that neither I nor your father wanted to give you up.

Angelica: I never thought you'd abandon me.

NC: (as Angelica) You just…leave me behind with no way to contact or locate you for the rest of my life. (Beat) That’s what a real mother would do.

NC (voiceover): But what about poor William? Did he survive the fatal sinking?

Victoria: (points out to a man resting on a floating crate) It looks like someone in the water.

Angelica: There’s a body out there! Please try to get nearer!

(Cut to the lifeboat having reached the frozen body, and Angelica turns it over to reveal Sam Bradbury, unconscious)

Angelica: (disappointed) It’s not him.

NC: (as an officer, gesturing in dismissal) Move along. Leave him for the fishes.

NC (voiceover): Well, at least the animals made it out alive. Good, the survivors are gonna need something to eat on their way back to shore.

(Dolphins are seen leaping out of the water near where the animals are)

NC (voiceover): Oh, look! The dolphins are helping them out, too. This is the happiest of God-slaughters ever!

NC: (leans in close to the camera) What’s that, Flipper? (He turns his head each time to listen to a dolphin make some noise) The Titanic is sinking? (The dolphin makes noise again) Well, you better go help them, shouldn’t you? (The dolphin makes noise once more) It’s OK; everything will be fine now that Flipper’s on the case. (He waves while the background singers from the “Flipper” TV show sing)

Victoria: (points out to sea) Look. Over there!

Nanny: William!

(Angelica gasps at the sight of William unconscious on top of a floating crate, which is really the earlier scene of the unconscious Sam Bradbury mirrored)

NC: (as the director of the movie) Oh, no! We’re so close to William, and yet we’re running out of animation! Throw all the other clips from the movie together!

(Random clips from the sinking sequence are edited in a quick, disorienting style)

NC (voiceover): (as the film’s director) Quickly, go, go, go! Use all that stock footage! Use it to all your might!

(Cut finally to Sam and Angelica helping William onto the lifeboat)

NC: (still as the movie’s director, sighs with relief) Cutting corners has saved us again.

Angelica: William! Darling, it’s me, Angelica.

(William slowly opens his frozen eyes; from his point of view, Angelica appears blurry)

NC: (as William, reacting in surprise) D’ahh! She’s turned into a Rorschach test! (He flutters his lips with one finger as though going crazy)

William: (after his eyes finally come into focus) Hello. Sorry I took so long.

NC (voiceover): So William and Angelica get back together as they kiss in front of the sunrise. Oh, how charming.

Maxie: (voiceover) Wait a minute! Wait a minute! (After becoming relaxed in his chair, NC lifts his head up in surprise) Where are you going? The movie isn’t over yet! Don’t you want to know what happened to everybody?

NC: (confused) I kind of assumed they've drowned.

(The movie’s epilogue cuts back and forth with NC looking confused)

Maxie: (narrates) Hortense and Bernice married Kirk and Dirk, who are gloatingly thinking they've got it made. And here we have the ecstatic newlyweds Angelica and William, together with Mother Nanny, Granny, Victoria and the grandchildren, and the dalmatians and their children. Well, here’s hoping they all live happily ever after. See you soon.

NC: HAPPILY EVER AFTER?! What the hell is wrong with you?! This isn’t a postcard! This is the sinking of the fucking Titanic! If you wanted to be really faithful, you would’ve said…

NC (voiceover): (as Maxie) Kirk and Dirk got married to the evil stepsisters, William and Angelica married, as well as adopted the two Dalmatians, (An old black-and-white illustration of the real-life Titanic sinking is shown) and over 1,500 died in one of the world’s largest and most tragic disasters. See you soon!

NC: Where did this movie come from? What idiotic brainmash could so effectively miss the tragic center of the Titanic disaster?

(Clips from the movie to "Holding Me" play again as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): My guess is somebody just saw the James Cameron blockbuster and didn’t realize it was based on a real tragic event. They probably just thought it was a fairy tale, so they put their half-assed version together, thinking to themselves, “You know what this collection of human misery needs? A rapping dog!”

NC: There’s a reason so many people don’t believe this movie exists, because quite frankly, we don’t WANT to believe it exists. It’s so horrible that we, as human beings, don’t want to believe that we created it. And, with the help of…(He brings in the extra-large bottle of Jagermeister and places it on his desk)...Mr. Alcohol here, I might just be able to make that dream come true. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it…(struggles to carry the bottle)…so you don’t have to. (He carries the bottle and nurses on it as he gets up to leave) Oh, yes, destroy that memory.


(Cut to black)

Maxie: (audio) Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Where are you going? The movie isn’t over yet!

NC: Right you are, you little obnoxious bastard. Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. You know, I love cards. But sometimes, they’re just so boring to look at, (An image of four playing cards is shown briefly) what with all those hearts, spades, clubs and diamonds. Why not get some cards that actually have some pictures on them? (An image of playing cards featuring naked women is shown briefly) No. No. Not those cards…yet. I’m talking about Geek Fight: Angry Video Game Nerd vs. Nostalgia Critic. (Accompanying text over an image of NC and AVGN having a duel appears)

(Images of individual cards from the Geek Fight card pack are shown as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): As you can see, these are some pretty kickass cards with some pretty kickass artwork. A lot of artists worked hard on these drawings, and you can see their effort really shows. There’s also a lot of creativity put into them, too. I mean, look at this. You got the evil Teddy Ruxpin, Chester A. Bum, even Ask That Guy somehow made it into the deck, including his weird-ass creation of Hamster Jelly. I don’t know how the hell they drew that, but they did, and it’s pretty damn cool. The only real problem I have is the Angry Video Game Nerd cards. I mean, look at him. He almost looks respectable, but a completely flawed misrepresentation. But the Critic cards are great, making me look strong, masculine, and incredibly well-endowed.

NC: (to himself) Did I say that out loud? (to the camera) Well, anyway, you can buy them…

(The caption “Only $7.00 + shipping” appears over an image of NC and AVGN having a duel, followed by a web address)

NC (voiceover): …for $7 plus shipping. That’s a pretty damn good deal. Purchases can be made at Divingdragongames.com/shop. Just go there and pick up a copy for yourself.

NC: (laughs as he speaks) Now, I know what a lot of you are thinking: “What the hell is he gonna put his face on next?”

(Photoshopped images of NC's face superimposed on one of the faces of Mount Rushmore, the Statue of Liberty and Marilyn Monroe (for the movie poster for “The Seven Year Itch”) are shown)

NC: Only time will tell, my friends. Only time will tell. I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. (He gets up to leave)


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