And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Thor: The Dark World".
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
This filler-until-Avengers 2 has SPOILERS!
There's this guy named Thor.
And he's busy keeping all of the nine realms safe!
But he also has a father, played by Pirate Hannibal Lecter.
And he's like:
(as Odin, looking right, holding his hand over his left eye like a pirate) "I think you should take a break, Thor."
(as Thor) "You're right, Father. That's why I'm gonna kind-of sorta be flirting with Warrior Princess here until my other girlfriend comes in, in which case I'll drop her like a rock."
"Solid." (holds up his fist)
("Thor" hold up his fist, and they pretend to bump) "Unh!"
And speaking of which, his old girlfriend in trying to get on with her life.
Surviving The Phantom Menace isn't easy.
Then she's approached by her science team!
Who just graduated from "The Parents in the Transformer Movie Art of Acting."
(as "the team", looking right) "We're here to say obvious things in funny voices and act kooky."
And the girlfriend is like:
(as Jane, looking left) "Okay, but what reason for the plot are you here?"
"Well, our old scientist guy was found running around naked at Stonehenge." [check if that's right, someone - ed.]
(raises his fists) "Comedy!"
"Oh, yeah, comedy."
But then Thor comes back to see his girlfriend.
And she's like:
"Is that a hammer in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
(as Thor) "Can't it be both?"
"You've been gone a long time, creep." (smacks Thor in the face)
(Thor reacts) "Unh! You know, it's funny; even though I'm a God and I can be smashed into buildings without getting hurt, apparently, a slap from a mortal can still have my face go in the other direction."
"We have a lot of plot to get through, so I'm just gonna act like I love you again."
(gives a thumbs up) "A-OK."
But then, it turns out Asgard is under attack by Nero from Star Trek.
And he's like:
(as Malekith) "I will make our ships invisible so we can just fly by the gatekeeper of the Rainbow Bridge."
(as Algrim) "Oh no! Sir, he spotted us!"
"It's okay. Even though he can communicate with worlds far away from our own, he apparently can't communicate with a cancel [HUH? - ed.] that's just a few miles down the street."
"They really should invent cell phones here."
"Yes, I know. For all their science and magic, there's no spell that can make you call another person (spoken at the same time as "Algrim" below) that's just a little bit away. It's kinda silly when you really think about it. I mean, come on."
"I mean, they can make contact with the human world. Can't they just get this cell phone technology and bring it back here? Seems kind of essential."
So, apparently, he wants the girlfriend because she has a magic entity in her body called the Aether.
I put Aether in my body once!
And by "once", I mean this many times: (motions below to the following number shown: 1926486053895231960441275879473)
But it's okay because Thor's mother is going to protect her!
(as Frigga) "You must kill me, Nero from Star Trek."
(as Malekith) "Why?"
"Because I'm an old person in a scene with my old husband, and we were laughing and having a good time. Obviously, that means one of us has to die."
"Well, who's gonna turn down a free lunch? (punches "Frigga" in the stomach)
So Asgard is defeated by flying spaceships and lasers.
And still they never got cell phones?
So logically, there's only one thing to do:
Call upon Sexy Tommy Wiseau in a jail cell.
I was Sexy Tommy Wiseau in a jail cell once!
(whimpering) They did things to me.
So Thor is like:
"I need you to help me, but I need you to wear handcuffs the whole time!"
And Loki is like:
"I'm the god of mischief and mayhem. You really think handcuffs are gonna stop me?"
"Listen. Our powers seems to be very vague and change from time to time; so, for now, handcuffs are gonna stop you."
"Okay. If for any other reason, (looks at the camera) I know the fan girls wanna see me in that." (cut to a shot of Chester against the wall with his hands above his head, acting like he's in handcuffs; he smiles and raises his eyebrows at us while overdubbed screaming from teenage girls - I think - plays)
So Thor and Loki go into The Dark World...
Which is more of The Dark Green World, but I won't split hairs here.
But Loki pretends he cuts off Thor's hand...
(rocking back and forth with his left hand in his sleeve) "Aaaaaahh! I'll never join you!"
And hands over the girlfriend to Nero.
Nero (Chester motions his hands toward himself) takes the Aether out of her.
But it turns out it's a trick, and Loki and Thor are gonna try to destroy the Aether now that it's out of her body.
(as Thor) "Well, I'm gonna see now if my hammer can destroy a dust-like substance." (throws a punch) Thooom!
"It cannot destroy a dust-like substance."
So Nero gets the Aether and destroys Loki.
AAH- (pauses in disbelief) Wait a minute. What?
Rewind me back.
(we do indeed rewind back to this:) So Nero gets the Aether and destroys Loki.
(with his hands on his head) You DESTROYED LOKI?! LOKI?!?!
That's like... destroying Urkel from Family Matters! It's, like, everybody's favorite character!
(lower voice) Actually, come to think of it, (loud again) maybe it will be like Family Matters!
They'll destroy Loki, and he'll come back as Loki-... (looking at his hand shaking in front of his face) fon!
Seriously, the show really jumped the shark at that point.
And Thor, of course, takes the death of his brother very personally.
(fake crying) "D'ooohhh!" (drops his arms and goes to leave) "Okay, I'm good."
But the bad news is that Thor and his girlfriend are stuck in The Dark World.
But, (forcefully speaking) coincidentally in this gigantic world that God knows how big it is, they just happen to find the one invisible tiny part of that world that gets them out.
(as Jane) "Hey, remember that scene where we were throwing our keys and shoes into this black hole that went nowhere?"
(as Thor) "You mean the incredibly long and unfunny scene?
"Yeah, like most of the ones I'm in. Well, here's where they went, so we can get back!"
"Then let us journey through the power (raises his fist in the air) of the improbability!" (he disappears with a popping sound effect)
So the really unfunny comic relief comes in and tells them what's going on.
(keeps rocking back and forth through this whole scene) "Nero from Star Trek is trying to destroy the universe because, you know, it's just what he does. (quick cuts of "Jane" looking surprised and exaggeratedly nodding) And so, if all the Nine Realms line up, he can destroy them all and have control over them all or whichever he wants to do because he's a bad guy. So we have the scientific device to line them all up, and we can transport in between world whenever we want. This event will also allow very heavy things to suddenly be very light; (at this point, "Jane" is getting overwhelmed by this and perhaps feeling nauseous as well) like, you can pick up a car and smash it on someone if you wanted. You have to be careful because animals and people and whatever you think can just suddenly transport anywhere and pop up anywhere."
"Okay. Can you just tell me why you're not wearing pants?"
"Well, that explanation's easy."
(raising his fists) "Comedy!! / Oh, and I also had a god in my head; it apparently messed me up."
"Really? So that's the really lame excuse why you're so crazy, even though it never affected Hawkeye or any of the other people that have ever had a god in their head?"
"I told you, (raises fists again) COMEDY!!"
"God, I can't wait for Black Swan 2."
So Thor finds Nero from Star Trek while jumping in-between all these other worlds.
Which I can understand. That's totally what it feels like when I put Aether in my body.
But Thor is like:
"Through the power of fast editing and confusing science mumbo-jumbo, I WIN!" (punches Malekith with a sound efffect)
(spins out of shot) "Damn you, mumbo-jumbo!"
So, apparently, the day is won; and Thor has to leave his girlfriend again.
And the annoying comic relief are like:
"Dude, he couldn't even bother to shoot a scene with you saying, "Goodbye"?
"I know, right? After I had so much to offer him, like saying science mumbo-jumbo and fainting."
"I'm surprised he didn't say "Goodbye" to us after all we had to offer."
"What did you have to offer?"
(raises his fists AGAIN) "COMEDY!!!"
(unenthusiatically) "Comedy, yeah..."
So Thor goes back to Pirate Hannibal Lecter.
And he's like:
"I cannot be king because I am too horny for a woman."
(as Odin, hand over eye) "I am Odin."
(pauses because he's stunned) "Yes, you are."
"I know. I just wanted to be sure there was no confusion that I, in fact, am Odin."
(confused, he goes to leave) "Okay, I'm just gonna walk out here now."
(quickly) "I am Loki."
(turns back) "What?"
(even quicker) "Odin!"
"Okay. that's what I thought you said." (leaves for good this time. We see a quick cut of "Odin" again, but he disappears [POP!]; and "Loki" reappears [POP!])
"Ha-ha! It was me, Loki, all along!
"And how did I do it, even though you clearly saw me die in a previous scene?
(points at us) "Look! A cocktease for Avengers 2!"
(as The Collector) "I am Andy Warhol Turturro, and I collect things,"
"I have no idea what that means, but I'm sure the message boards will go insane."
So it was really fun seeing Thor conquer The Dark World.
But it brings up a good point. How come so many things are always from "the dark"?
Can't anything bad from the... Cuddly Puppy World?
The Rainbow and Sunshine World?
I mean, aside from any girls cartoon from the '80s; but, at least, they had catchy theme songs!
And, obviously, none of them are ever coming back.
This is Chester A. Bum, saying, (holds up his cup of change and shakes it, but it's a red Solo cup instead of his usual white styrofoam one) "CHANGE!! YA GOT CHANGE?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy-" (he stops because we can tell the cup's different) Oh! I see you're admiring my "bling." (he shows off his cup to us) Well, I, uh, use the money that I have been saving up over the years to get the latest model in the baking cup. Uh, you will notice the fine shine; the color red, though I hear it gets pulled over by more cops; but, uh, it's the color most used by advertisers 'cause it captures the eye the most. (we fade to black) So I appreciate the latest model, and I- (notices we've started the fade, and the theme music begins) Oh, WAIT-WAIT-WAIT! HEY-HEY-HEY! (the "Thank You" card appears) I still want change! Come on! I can still upgrade to the newest model! This one doesn't even have four-wheel-drive!
Credits resume as normal.