And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Thor."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
I'm the god of-- SPOILERS!
There's this god named Thor.
And he lives in a giant pipe organ!
And this is the magical world of Asgard.
I had an Asgard once!
It didn't work.
And they're under attack by these evil monsters called the Ice Giants.
Who are sort of like if you crossed the orcs with Mr. Freeze.
(imitating Arnold) "Hasta la freeza, baby!"
But then Odin Lector comes along and destroys them all!
(imitating Hannibal) "Ice Giants toughens the nipples." (does that...tongue thing)
So Odin Lector is like, "Thor, you will be king if you don't act like an idiot."
"Don't worry, Dad. I'm a peaceful person-- DIIIEEE!" (fights offscreen)
"You acted like an idiot." (zaps)
"What are ya doing to me?!"
"I'm turning you into a human and sending you to Earth, so you can hang with the other idiots."
"Ahhhhh!" (flies offscreen)
So he lands on Earth and he runs into Natalie Portman.
And she's like, "Who are you?"
"I'm pissed off, that's what I am!" (raises arms while throwing a fit)
(lowers arms) "Okay."
But meanwhile, Odin's other son is like, "I'm not really your son, am I?"
"I'm one of those ice monsters, aren't I?"
"Why didn't you tell me?!"
"In case my first son was a cold-hearted idiot, I wanted a back-up. Are you a cold-hearted idiot?"
(looks down) "What the?"
So Odin goes into a deep Odin sleep.
Which is...kinda weird.
Gods just suddenly go into a coma?
"We are the most powerful creatures in the world! (mimes checking watch) Uh-oh, nap time." (falls)
So the ice monsters' son takes over as king.
And so, he tells the leader of the ice monsters, who looks suspiciously like Ivan Ooze, to assassinate Odin! (gasps)
At least he'll die in his sleep.
He'll die in his sleep of death!
Natalie Portman is like, "Listen, you're really hot and everything, but I can't help you."
"Okay, bye." (walks away)
(turns) "Hey! Who are you?"
"We're stealing your shit!" (walks away)
"Crud! (turns again) Hey, can you get my shit back?"
"Can you get my shit back?"
So Thor goes in and kicks the crap out of all these S.H.I.E.L.D agents.
Who seem to have forgotten that they carry guns.
But one of 'em is like, "Use that weapon over there that looks like a mix between a bow and arrow and machine gun!"
Holy crap, that looks awesome!
So Thor comes to get his hammer, the guy aims his kickass gun...
Oh my God, what's gonna happen??
But then...Thor can't get the hammer out.
"What the hell?! I'm depressed."
"He's depressed. Call off the kickass gun!"
OHHH! What the hell?! I wanted to see that kickass gun! What do you call that thing anyway?
So Natalie Portman and his friends try to get Thor out.
So they have to use all their cunning to get him out of that security.
"Okay, let him go."
So four of Thor's friends try to go in and save him.
But then his evil brother sends the most diabolical thing he can think of!
A recycled version of Gort!
(miming shooting laserbeams) "Pshew! Pshew! Pshew!"
"Klaato Barata-- (Pshew! Phsew! Pshew! Pshew!) Nyyaaaahh!" (runs)
But then Thor goes up to the monster and says, "Let my friends go. Take meeee!"
Nooooooo! He didn't even make it to the Avengers movie!
But then Thor's hammer flies over to Thor and brings him back to life!
Because Odin said, "He who grabs the hammer and has the spirit of Thor will have the power of Thor!"
Okay, it's more the hammer's going to the hand, not really the hand picking up the hammer, and, uh...using the...
And now he has to go back to the giant pipe organ to stop his brother!
And the evil brother discusses his evil scheme!
"I'm going to destroy all the Ice Giants!"
"Oh no-- Wait a minute, I thought they were the bad guys."
"Then why am I stopping you?"
"Because every life is sacred, you know, we shouldn't kill anybody to keep the peace..."
(simultaneously) "Oh, oh yeah, we're good people with morals..."
"...Having a conscience sucks."
"You're telling me."
Big battle! (throws punches)
So Thor destroys his evil brother, saves the evil ice monsters, who are probably really pissed off and will kill them later...
But it turns out he has to destroy the rainbow bridge in order to make that happen!
"Noooooo! Now we can never travel to worlds and see my girlfriend again!"
"Wait, you guys built that, right?"
"Can't you just build another one?"
"...Ahhhh, the woe!"
Oh, and there's also one other scene after the end credits.
Yeah, like every scene after the credits of a Marvel movie, I can sum it up in three words.
Dun dun duuuunnn!
So "Thor" was a lot of fun and really action-packed.
Though I only have one question.
When does Natalie Portman turn into the swan?
Now that'd be a good Avengers character!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon change!
C'mon, all the money will go to keeping a stable actor for The Hulk! I'm in talks with Charlie Sheen!