Announcer:
And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The X-Files: I Want To Believe."
Chester:
OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!
There's these agents called Mulder and Scully.
And they're out to stop the aliens!
Except that there's not really any aliens in this one.
So, they're out to stop doctors performing illegal operations!
Ah, stick with the aliens, guys.
And this movie gives us all the answers!
Too bad I forgot the questions.
Oh wait! I remember one question!
Do Mulder and Scully get it on? ...YES!
Mulder and Scully make whoopie!
HOORAY!
And that's about the only answer we get.
True, I like seeing Mulder and Scully make whoopie.
HOORAY!
But how about answering some more in-depth questions?
Like, is E.T. a transvestite?
There's something funny about that alien!
Remember that scene where he's walking around in women's clothing?
He was liking that a little too much!
"E.T.: The Extra Transvestiteal."
But instead, we get surgeries! ...Ooh!
I'm not going to say what kind of surgeries they are.
But let's just say certain residents of Sleepy Hollow will find it useful.
You're gonna laugh later.
So, Mulder and Scully are out to stop the evil...doctors.
By using a pedophile priest who is also a psychic.
I swear to God, I am not making that up!
More movies need pedophile priests who are psychics!
Imagine if "Willy Wonka" had a pedophile priest that was psychic!
On second thought, don't imagine that.
And there's this one scene where blood starts dripping out of his eyes.
Though, I'm not really sure why.
I mean, sometimes my eyes bleed raspberry jelly!
I was thinking about seeing a doctor.
But I only go if it's something serious.
So, Fox Mulder grows a beard.
And he kind of looks like one of the creatures he's chasing.
But he shaves it off, and I'm like, "Dude, thank God!"
Don't ever grow that again!
I mean, I know I have a beard and really long hair.
But I can pull it off!
(singing) Don't you wish Fox Mulder was hot like me?
(talking) I'm sorry. That was childish.
So, Mulder and Scully stop the evil doctors.
And at the end, they're like, "Are we still going to be together?" "Well, if they make another movie, sure."
"Well, even if they don't, can we still make whoopie?" "Of course!"
HOORAY!
And at the end, they play the famous X-Files song!
(singing)
X-Files you should go see!
Two agents make whoopie!
(talking) HOORAY!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?? Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, can you at least get me some bread? If I start crying again, I want to make a jelly sandwich.