The Worst Films of 2015 (Brad and Dave)

The Worst Films of 2015 (Brad and Dave Edition)
Date Aired	January 15th, 2016
Running Time	1:20:12
Website	http://channelawesome.com/the-worst-films-of-2015-brad-and-dave-edition-brad-jones/

Introduction

Brad: It's the most wonderful time of the year, where we get to remember the shit we watched.

Dave: Well, it's good 'cause we get to purge it all out, and then we start right into January horror movies.

Brad: Yes. We start right into the January movies that, come January next year, I'm gonna have to remind myself that I even fucking saw.

Dave: [looking at list on a sketchpad] That's half my list right there, like, "oh, yeah, I saw that."

Brad: Yeah, and with my list, I... it was more, what am I going to leave off? Because it's been suggested before that we make these twenty, and I don't wanna do that.

Dave: It's too much. It's too much, 'cause what happens is, your top three bad ones really stick out, but the next seven, it's really a battle to figure out what order you put 'em in. It's not like "this was definitely the fourth worst movie of the year," it's more "what movie pissed me off the least?"

Brad: Yeah, it's kind of turned into...I don't wanna do twenty because I feel like you have to think about it more when there's ten. You really have to be like, "yeah, some real shit's getting left off," but it takes more effort to condense it into ten.

Dave: Yeah, because...I think, on the list you sent me of movies I'd seen that I'd reviewed on the site that I didn't like, there was like 16 movies. And I'm sure I've seen four other movies this year that I didn't like.

Brad: Outside of the Midnight Screenings.

Dave: Yeah, that I could add to the list, like, I didn't see Jurassic World at the Midnight Screenings, I saw it on my own, I didn't like it. I could add that and probably a few others to it, but the fact of the matter is, it's like, there were some...that were on the list that even you sent me, it was like, "oh yeah, you didn't like this," and it's like, yeah, I didn't like it, but...

Brad: It was just me sending you every single one that had a negative review. And since we were living in kind of a post-Pure Flix world, [laughing] that's a funny thing to say. Since we're living in a post-Pure Flix world, I judge things differently now. Now there's...it's less ranking which one pissed me off the most to "#10 pissed me off, but not as much as the rest." There's a lot more objectivity thrown in there as well.

Dave: It's like, am I gonna give this one slack because I liked this one performance in it? It's like, I hated the writing, but the acting was good. Or it was really well-filmed, but it was still a shitty movie.

#10

Dave: #10, Aloha, which could be higher on the list. I mean, it was a fucking shitshow of a movie.

Brad: Uh-huh. We're at a Krasinski movie tomorrow.

Dave: Yeah, and that's the thing. I was like, I really didn't like that movie, but all I remember in that movie was how amazing John Krasinski is. Like, off the top of my head, this was like, Krasinski was awesome! So I wanted to give it some slack, so I put it at 10. It's a shitshow of a movie. It's Cameron Crowe's...easily his worst movie. It's an amalgam of everything he's done before, plus a little bit of WarGames.

Brad: [laughs] This sounds...everything I hear about this movie sounds amazing. WarGames, John Krasinski speaks only with his facial features, there's a satellite...

Dave: Bill Murray's the bad guy.

Brad: Yeah, Emma Stone is, like, Hawaiian or some shit.

Dave: She's supposed to be half-Hawaiian. A half-Hawaiian redhead.

Brad: This sounds like the best film of the year.

Dave: It's just a fucking hot mess of a movie. But the intentions there are still good, and it's still got some of that good Cameron Crowe dialogue. But there's just too much...it's like the screenplay must have been for an eight-hour movie, but the studio just started cuttin' shit.

Brad: I didn't see it, which is a phrase I'm sure is gonna come up a lot during this. I didn't see it, but also, all I remember about it was us getting out of the theater, and you guys were in the middle of your review when whatever the fuck I was at that night got out. So I get out, you see us walking there, and you lean out the car and just scream "goddammit!" And then Ryan or Brian, whoever I was with was like, "well, I guess they didn't like it," and I say, "well, he went back in the car, maybe we didn't hear the end of that. It could've been, "goddammit, that was fucking underrated!'"

Dave: It was...I could go on a whole rant about Cameron Crowe right now, about how...he used to be one of those filmmakers that like, I would look forward to Cameron Crowe movies. And the last few, it's just been like, Cameron Crowe, quit writing the same movies.

Brad: Stop making "so what" movies.

Dave: Yeah, and that's really what they are. It's like after Almost Famous, he's just like, "ah, fuck it."

Brad: Yeah.

Dave: And for the most part, they're still like...We Bought a Zoo is not a great movie, but it's not a bad movie. It's very just...watchable. Aloha was bad. Aloha was a bad movie, and it's heartbreaking when someone whose work you used to respect, and still can look back and respect quite a bit of it, you just look at it and go "ooh..."

Brad: There is nothing on my list that I can even come close to saying something like that about. Like, my #10, um... We were talking earlier about looking at things slightly more objectively, and this movie at #10 did really, really piss me off. But there were other movies, there were a couple movies that maybe pissed me off more. Okay, for instance, Unfinished Business and Hot Tub Time Machine 2 aren't on my list, and I had...when I was looking at #10, it was like those two movies and this one. And honestly, where I came down is, at least Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and Unfinished Business, bad as they are, looked like something you would see in a theater. It's like, okay, these are terrible, but I don't feel like I'm watching a TV movie. My #10 is The Loft, which, did...

Dave: I've heard all about this fucking movie.

Brad: Yeah, honestly, yeah, 'cause me and Sarah were at that, she was telling you all about it the other day.

Dave: Yeah.

Brad: It was...there is no reason why, even as a fucking January movie, there was no fucking reason that we were seeing that shit in a fucking theater. That movie was...it was like some awful fucking pilot for, like, a sexy cable show that's not fucking sexy, and it's got dialogue in it where everyone is kind of speaking in double entendres that make no sense. Like, "oh, I see you're holding the queen of hearts. Don't stab me with those ace of spades." What does that fucking mean?! I don't know, I think they're blackmailing people. I don't know.

It's all like rejected Christian Troy dialogue from Nip/Tuck. That's really what this fucking movie seems like.

Dave: Like someone just walked into the Nip/Tuck writing room, picked all the pages up off the floor, uncrumpled them, taped them together into a screenplay?

Brad: Nip/Tuck is a show where a woman answered the door holding a cat, and Christian Troy says, "nice pussy." So that made it in that show, and this fucking shit just seems bad enough for even, like... The final season of Silk Stalkings is better than shit you see in this movie. We ranted about this movie hardcore when we were outside the car, and I don't know if we pre-video ranted about those other movies, but me and Sarah just had to with this movie, so that's my #10.

#9

Dave: Yeah. Well, since we touched on it a minute ago, my #9 is Hot Tub Time Machine 2.

Brad: Have at it. That movie sucked ass.

Dave: It did, and I understand it didn't make it to your list, 'cause... Honestly, the last six months, I haven't been able to go see that many movies, so I missed a lot of bad ones because my job kept me safe.

Brad: Maybe in the back of my head, I was like, "well, it'll be on Dave's list."

Dave: Yeah. God, that was a piece of shit. What really stung about Hot Tub Time Machine 2 is, the previews looked terrible. The movie didn't look good. There was nothing that looked good about this movie. But what stung about it was, the first one's a really good movie.

Brad: I loved the first one.

Dave: The first one's a good, solid comedy. The second one's not.

Brad: It's hard to believe that that movie has the same director and the same writers as the first film.

Dave: And for the most part, the same cast. I think what it was was, the first one, they wrote this intimate little movie about rediscovering your self, and the second one, they're like, "let's go to the future and just bat for the fucking fences."

Brad: Well, it was...everyone who had learned their lesson in the first movie seems to have forgotten that in this film. They're all stereotypes of the characters they were in the first film. Yeah, you had dickheads in the first one, but at the end of the day, the first movie had heart. The second one's funniest sequence is a rape scene.

Dave: And I'll give the rape scene credit. It was funny, mostly the fact that I was sitting there going, "are they actually fucking doing this?"

Brad: Apparently, they are.

Dave: Yeah, and...the one thing I'll give the second one, it had the benefit of Adam Scott as the straight man.

Brad: Which is always a magical thing.

Dave: Yeah, Adam Scott's great. And it's one of those...I can't blame the performances from anybody in that movie. It's just so shittily written. Even the first one had...it had some stupid fucking teenage gross-out stupid humor, but it was in small doses, and it worked for the movie. And this one, that was just what they had.

Brad: No, I totally agree. It was a group of talented people coming together to fall on their faces in a way that's up there with Caddyshack II.

That honestly goes into my #9, which also has...

Dave: Caddyshack II? Are we bringing it back?

Brad: Yeah, you know, it had its anniversary re-release this year...27th anniversary? No, mine's Vacation. This one just flat-out pissed me off.

Dave: I know. You ranted about that movie for like a week.

Brad: I did. I did. It was...where do I even start with this fucking movie? This is a movie that seems like it was written by people who just didn't even see the other movies. Even the bad sequels to Vacation, like European or Vegas Vacation. Even that, it is humor that is not existent in those other movies. There's no jokes in it. At least Hot Tub Time Machine 2, Unfinished Business, things like that, they had jokes, they just weren't very funny. This doesn't have jokes, it's just gross-out humor. It's supposed to be funny because he's holding a handful of pubic hair, and he thought it was a sponge.

Dave: And that's not what the...the originals are all... And the fact that it's Rusty, and Rusty's that much of an id... Rusty was the straight man!

Brad: Yeah! If anything, talk about needing Adam Scott for a role!

Dave: You know what? Fuck that. I love Adam S...

Brad: Needing Anthony Michael Hall?

Dave: Damn right! Damn right! He's alive, he's working, it'd be great.

Brad: Yeah, no, this just turns him into like...he's flopping around, there's turbulence on the place, his face lands in some titties, and it's funny 'cause it's supposed to be awkward. Like the first movie...the first movie had a couple of raunchy things in it, but there was always... Okay, when Clark is eating the sandwich that's been peed on, that's part of the joke, but the joke isn't just dependent on he's eating a piss-stained sandwich, it's that he's holding this while trying to act smooth while making eyes with Christie Brinkley. There's more to that joke than...

Dave: It's not "ooh, pee!" It's, "oh, God, don't do that, man."

Brad: And he spits it out, throws it on the ground. There's more to the jokes in that movie than just something R-rated is happening. And this was...I don't know how they fucked this up. I mean, the only parts that got kind of a chuckle out of me were the opening credits that's playing "Holiday Road" and when Chevy Chase shows up in it later. That's a few seconds' worth of "heh."

Dave: Yeah.

Brad: But this movie...this was during the Brad and Sarah Show, and this was by far the worst, and we saw Pixels that week.

#8

Dave: Fantastic Four.

Brad: I'm so glad 'cause it's not on mine.

Dave: Listen, no matter what, it was gonna make it on mine.

Brad: Uh-huh.

Dave: It's a testament to the other movies I've seen this year that it's only #8.

Brad: Yeah? It's a testament to mine that it's not even...'cause this movie is dogshit, and it's a testament that I've seen so many bad movies that this isn't even in the 10.

Dave: No, I mean, I've seen every superhero movie, I think, that's ever come out at this point. Fantastic Four is one of the worst...five, maybe? I'm trying to think of ones that were worse than Fantastic Four.

Brad: There's been some that have pissed me off more than this, but objectively speaking, this is fucking terrible.

Dave: Well, I mean, yeah, it pissed me off...all right. I'd rather watch Fantastic Four again than Man of Steel, but Man of Steel is at least a well-made movie. Yeah, like, it gets everything wrong, in my opinion, but it's cohesive. Fantastic Four is not fucking cohesive.

Brad: No, it has a chunk of the movie missing.

Dave: And it does the same thing that Man of Steel did--it doesn't hit me to the core of my geekiness as much as Man of Steel did, but it's almost more personally insulting--it got the characters so wrong. Just like, trying to... Let the Thing have "it's clobbering time" not be about him gettin' the shit kicked out of him as a kid. Like, why would you do that?

Brad: And give him some pants.

Dave: Yeah. Some pants

Brad: Give him a dick...or something.

Dave: Pants. Like, everybody bitches about the fucking Tim Story ones, about the Thing costume from those. And I look back at that and go, you know, the face wasn't quite right, the right shape for the Thing, but it didn't look that bad, and he had fucking pants on. The Thing in the new one looked so much worse to me. It looked fake. It looked so fake. He was in every other shot of the movie, and it was such bad CGI.

Brad: Oh yeah. I mean, you could...it's disappointing because you could see where Josh Trank thought he had a good idea, and probably did. I mean, who knows what happened between conception of this and what ended up on the screen.

Dave: And that's the other thing, it's... All these thing that I was reading, that he wanted to try and do, and the tone, and the things he was looking at for...like...inspiration, all built to what could have been a really cool movie, but no matter what, it would've been a very bad Fantastic Four movie.

Brad: It was like he was trying to...well, you have elements of this movie that are a lot like The Fly. It's obvious he was trying to go for like, a body horror film.

Dave: Yeah, some Cronenberg stuff, which...you could read into that into The Fantastic Four if you're not a fan. And there comes a point where it's...yeah, there's a lot of directors-for-hire, filmmakers-for-hire that'll just make fucking anything, and that's fine. But if you're gonna make one of these movies that have 60+ years of history behind it, and so on, and so forth. Like, even the young adult novel movies and shit. Get somebody that actually gives a fuck about it, and have them make the movie. 'Cause even if it doesn't make you, it'll at least be some passion behind it.

Brad: Well, I'm glad you mentioned the Thing earlier because that's something that I've felt like I need to clarify since we did the Midnight Screening. We've gotten people on the comments for that who've yelled at us for saying that we thought that Man of Steel was a worse movie than that. And what I wanted to clarify...

Dave: No, I hate Man of Steel more!

Brad: That's what I...no, no, no, yeah.

Dave: But is it a worse movie? Objectively, no, it's not a worse movie. Now, will I still say it was my least favorite or the worst movie of the year it was from? Absolutely.

Brad: It was on my list of the worst movies of that year, Man of Steel was, but objectively speaking, that is a better film than Fantastic Four.

Dave: It's a better film, it's just not a good...it's still a shitty film.

Brad: Oh, yeah, yeah. Fantastic Four didn't piss me off as much, which...yeah.

Dave: It's kinda like saying I'd rather eat a handful of rabbit shit other than a big steaming pile of dog shit. It's still not something I wanna fucking do.

Brad: But it's gonna be in 3D. [and laughs]

Dave: Go to your #8.

Brad: My #8...might also be on yours. My #8 is Unsullied.

Dave: [realizing] Oh, I fucking forgot it; it wasn't on my list!

Brad: I sent it to you because I had to remind you about it the other day, remember? [Dave pulls out his phone and looks up the email] When I was like... when you were like, "Unsullied? What the fuck is Unsullied?!" And even in like, telling you the plot, you were like, "I don't remember..." I'm like, "remember? Simeon Rice directed it."

Dave: [shows him that...] Yeah, you didn't put it on my list, man.

Brad: I didn't?!

Dave: No, I forgot about that. I gotta adjust things now.

Brad: [while Dave goes over his list, weighs films, and ultimately writes down his pick] Oh, that's fine. Unsullied is this movie that... Okay, I see movies like this a lot. And this movie, I wasn't necessarily sitting there mad. It feels like...it feels like it's the kind of movie that like, Brian would show me that he found on Netflix at 2:00 in the morning, like, "you gotta come over and see this piece of shit I just saw." It's like this... These two guys kidnap women and set 'em loose in the woods and they hunt them. I mean, it's one of those kind of movies. You've seen this kind of movie many times before, and if I was just seeing a movie like this on Netflix, I would see it and not think anything of it and go about my day. It's just, I've seen this kind of movie several times. But the fact that this...

Dave: Fuck it, it's my #7.I just took something else out of the list and put in Unsullied.

Brad: There you go.

Dave: It's an objective decision I had to make after some brief soul-searching. So let's just get this...this is his #8, my #7.

Brad: Excellent,

Dave: Fucking hell.

Brad: This is the kind...the fact that this somehow, and I'm guessing it's because Simeon Rice directed it and he somehow got this into several theaters, and we had to pay full theater prices to go see this in the theater...wow, this is one of the worst things you could've paid to go see in the theater.

Dave: Oh, wow, it was fucking...it was awful, and it's just the fucking...bros that wanna hunt and kill humans. It's like it was trying to have a political message, but it wasn't subtle enough to be clever, and it wasn't overt enough to make sense.

Brad: He wanted to make an exploitation film, and...

Dave: Which is great! Everyone should!

Brad: Absolutely! Yeah, absolutely, but he made the kind of movie that better people have made, and with a bunch of hack bullshit where she's a track star, and then she's on the run from these guys who are hunting her, she trips, and then it flashes back to her and her sister, and her sister's like...

Dave: The whole sister thing. I forgot about the sister thing.

Brad: Remember that? The sister's like, "you gotta get up and run!"

Dave: It's the linchpin of the whole movie, and it makes no sense whatsoever. God, that was awful.

Brad: If you're gonna make something like this, just throw it out on some streaming service. Send it direct-to-DVD.

Dave: It was very much a direct-to-DVD movie, like something we'd walk into Family Video and be like, "what's this? Like, Unsullied? I'm high enough."

Brad: Yeah, and then I would stop watching it about a half an hour in, or I would be like, "Brian, why are you making me watch this?"

Dave: "Well, thank God it only cost me a dollar to rent."

Brad: Yeah, and then I would forget about it. But...even the guy at the movie theater didn't know what fucking movie it was. He was like..."Two for Unsullied," and he's like, "do you guys know what this is?" We're like, "barely."

Dave: Kind of?

Brad: Didn't even have like a fucking mylar, it was just a printed-out sheet of paper that printed Unsullied on it.

#7

Brad: So is your 7 now tied with Unsullied?

Dave: No, I'm just replacing it. I had to think about it for a second, if I was just gonna leave Unsullied off my list, or if I was gonna replace something. And so my #7...honestly, it was kind of a filler movie. I had Project Almanac.

Brad: [laughs] Oh! Oh, Brian had that on his.

Dave: It wasn't good, but it's one of those things that's just like...that movie is just gonna be forgotten by time so quickly. Who gives a shit?

Brad: I barely...considering we got trailers for that for like a fucking year when it was called Welcome to Yesterday or whatever the fuck it was called.

Dave: No, and everything else on the list is way worse than that. I put it at 7 because...honestly, at least Aloha had something going for it, Fantastic Four at least tried, and Hot Tub Time Machine 2 had Adam Scott.

Brad: [laughs] Project Almanac had...I don't know, I didn't see it. That was the night I was at The Loft...I think.

Dave: You didn't miss anything.

Brad: I didn't think so from the trailer. My #7...dear God, did you not fucking miss anything. My #7 is Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse.

Dave: Ugh, even the previews for that made me upset.

Brad: Same, and then seeing the entire 90-minute fucking movie just... Of all the movies that Violet and I have gone to together, that's the one that she's gotten pissed off at the most. And this movie is a prime example to why zombie movies just need to fucking die for about ten years, and then come back, 'cause I'm sick of it.

Dave: Well...yeah, and it's one of those things that... As long as Walking Dead is getting good ratings, people are still gonna want to make zombie movies and cash in on it. The fact of the matter is, for every 15 zombie movies that are made, two are watchable, and one's good.

Brad: Uh-huh.

Dave: And it's always gonna...it's becoming...it's the same thing with vampire movies...or slasher movies. For every 15 that are made, two are watchable, one is good.

Brad: In that same week that we saw Scouts Guide, we also saw Freaks of Nature, which had vampires and zombies in it. Not a great movie, but watchable.

Dave: Well, that's...that's kind of the state of things. I...always loved zombies, us growing up, fucking Dawn of the Dead, I don't know how many times we watched that movies. All the Romero ones, some of the Italian ones...

Brad: Return of the Living Dead.

Dave: Oh, I loved Return of the Living Dead. That was my first movie with titties. My older brother rented it for me, it was fantastic.

Brad: Nice.

Dave: And I was young enough that I remember watching that movie in a fort I had built. That's how young I was.

Brad: Me and Dave watching it. We were in fifth grade, and we watched Return of the Living Dead. But like, there wasn't this...just thousands of them a fucking year when we were growing up.

Dave: No, there wasn't. Well, and that's when the zombie boom happened a couple years ago. For a little while, I was honestly kinda psyched. I was like, "fuck yeah, zombies!" But now there's...what's your interpretation of a zombie, and so on and so forth. I don't... I don't care, just make it good!

Brad: Well, Scouts Guide was such a forced meme of a movie. Every single line of dialogue, every single piece of action seemed like it only existed to make animated GIFs to throw on Tumblr of it. Like "I'm not a stripper, I'm a cocktail waitress [cocks rifle]," and shit like that. You know what? Okay, that's cheap and really forced, but maybe... I would still criticize that, but if it also had any kind of likable character, which it doesn't. Every character in this is some douchebag, like, taking selfies with a zombies, ogling at zombie tits as if the Internet doesn't exist. It was a miserable, miserable fucking experience. It was us in the theater watching this at some point in the morning, and some guy sitting in the back who I swear to God, the only reason he was in there in because it was kind of cold outside. So if Violet was here, she would probably say that's her #1, but I've seen worse, so it's #7.

#6

Dave: Hot Pursuit.

Brad: That's all you, man.

Dave: Well, this was one of those movies that...this happens every year. Brad'll go through the website, write us all a list of the movies that we gave negative reviews to and send it to us, and then I'd go through, you know, the list of everything I've seen for the year, and I'd mix and match. Hot Pursuit was on the list that Brad sent me, and I was like, "did I see that? I don't remember that."

Brad: You got a poster for it.

Dave: I must've seen it. So I got on Wikipedia to read the synopsis of it to remind myself, and I read the entire page, like, every piece of the article, and I still went, "I still don't remember seeing this movie." I honestly don't remember a fucking thing! [Brad laughs] So it means either I blocked it all out because it was that bad, or it was just that fucking unforgettable [sic].

Brad: You predicted that in your video. That was one where I was in the backseat, I think, and you had...you and Irving said...you had said to Irving like, "I know what this is gonna be. This is gonna be, when it comes time to do the Worst lists, this is gonna be that fucking movie that Brad sends me, and I'm gonna have to ask him what the fuck he's talking about."

Honestly, even when you guys reviewed that, it was quick.

Dave: I remember that it was Sofía Vergara and fucking...

Brad: Reese Witherspoon.

Dave: Reese Witherspoon, and Reese Witherspoon was an annoying little cop, and Sofía Vergara was a mumbling cunt, and that's all I remember.

Brad: Yeah, even in you guys's [sic] review, which I think the review part was maybe like five, ten minutes, and it was mostly, "Ive already forgotten this movie," and the rest was, like, the trailers. And I was like, "you guys have gotten the trailer for Spy," so Irving was talking about Melissa McCarthy for a while.

Dave: And sometimes, that's the way it rolls.

Brad: Absolutely. Like, there's been movies I've been to where I'm just begging to just talk about the trailers.

Dave: Yeah, it's like, I've got nothing important to say."

Brad: Yeah, like, "all right, Sarah, look at the trailers on your arm."

My #6 is The Letters. Is it on yours?

Dave: It's on mine, it's my #4. So we might as well get it out of our way.

Brad: No, no, I'll just...

Dave: Do your bit, I'll save mine.

Brad: Yeah, I'll just do my bit on it. So...all right, The Letters, I actually thought it would be... I'm surprised mine's lower than yours is, 'cause I think I hated that movie more than you did. The Letters is a movie that is just wholly uninteresting. Every single piece of this movie feels like it's done by somebody who has never done their job before. The editing feels like it's done by someone who's never edited a movie, so you have scenes that should have cuts, but they don't, so one person has to walk all the way to this side of the room, all the way back with no soundtrack, no music playing in the background. It's a monotonous fucking film. The acting is flat, boring. The dialogue, in terms of screenwriter, is all exposition dialogue, so you'll have a character talking about a thing they're going to do, cut to a character talking about them doing that thing, and then the next, somebody telling somebody else about the scene we just saw of this character doing that thing. It was... as a bad film, it was just flat. It was flat, and because it was so boring, it was just pissing me the fuck off because you could make... You could make an interesting story about a character like...or a person like Mother Teresa, who is having a crisis of faith in this movie and things like that. This movie does none of that, and it was... I saw Spotlight that night, so that got...I got one good movie in that night, so...

#5

Brad: All right, what are we on? #5?

Dave: #5. All right, #5, The Longest Ride.

Brad: Ah yeah, that's right.

Dave: Oh, yeah, Nicholas Sparks. There's one a year, pretty much.

Brad: There's one coming out in a couple of weeks, The Choice.