May 4th, 2008
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, there's no doubt about it, Nintendo games ROCK.
[Brief title card saying "ROCK"]
Nostalgia Critic: Movies based on Nintendo games BLOW.
[Brief title card saying "BLOW"]
Nostalgia Critic: Therefore movies about Nintendo games BLOW ROCKS.
[Brief title card saying "BLOW ROCKS"]
Nostalgia Critic: Thus we enter the horrifying realms of The Wizard.
[Footage of "The Wizard"]
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Nintendo's biggest advertising fuck-up since Virtual Boy. The film, about a little boy who seems to be a prodigy with Nintendo games, literally teaches the lesson that Nintendo games bring families together. And as we all know, Nintendo games make us wanna do nothing but destroy our adversaries.
Nostalgia Critic: So the idea of Nintendo being kinda this 8-bit Buddha was pretty damn stupid. But still, they advertised this movie big, with stars like Fred Savage, Christian Slater, a shitload of video games, a Nintendo tournament face-off, and even a sneak peak at their latest ground-breaking game which wasn't yet released. When you're a kid growing up in the '80s and '90s, this looked unbelievable. I mean every kid had to see this. So, why is this film a let-down of digital proportions? Let's take a look.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] First of all, let's take a look at this "thrilling" opening. [sarcastically] Pretty exciting, huh? [mock-grandios announcer voice] The Wizard! Champions of Nintendo, duking it out in a one on one tournament of the Nintendo mast-- MY GOD, IS HE STILL WALKING?!
Nostalgia Critic: Seriously, the opening of this film is nothing but a kid walking down a straight narrow road. [sarcastically] Fasten your seat-belts, we're in for a wild ride!
Universal Tour Guide: JUST SIT DOWN AND HAVE FUN, DAMN IT!
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Okay, so the strange little boy walking down the road is a kid named Jimmy, who just wants to go to [childish voice] California.
Jimmy Woods: California.
Nostalgia Critic: [childish voice] California.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] He's returned home to his mother and jackass stepfather, where he continues to stare blankly out into space. Apparently he's been traumatized by the death of his sister and he's seeking an outlet for all his pent up emotions.
Jimmy's Teacher: I'd like to think that he's...searching for a way to express himself.
Nostalgia Critic: If only there was some kind of...game console. With two-player gameplay and 8-bit graphics that could allow him to express himself. But, that kind of awe inspiring magic only exists in the wildest realms of our imagination.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Meanwhile, we cut to Jimmy's real father, played by Beau Bridges.
Nostalgia Critic: Who, surprisingly, was available.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] We also get to see Jimmy's brothers, Nick, played by Christian Slater, and Corey, played by Fred Savage. And I never really noticed it before, but...Fred Savage is kinda weird. I mean, he doesn't really act like a kid at all. Everything he says sounds like it's being spoken by a high-pitched adult.
Corey Woods: Will you listen to me? What, you wanna see that happen? Huh? You wanna see 'em put Jimmy in a home?
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] It kinds sounds like a male Dakota Fanning, and I don't think that's a good thing.
Corey Woods: You're gettin' awful personal, you know.
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) So he sits in his room, throwing darts at a map...'cause I guess that's what kids did before the internet, and decides he wants to take a little vacation. Where?
Corey Woods: California.
Nostalgia Critic: No, no, no, California.
Jimmy Woods: California.
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) So Corey decides he wants to run away from home and live in California. On his way there he picks up his brother Jimmy from a mental home, where he literally just walks in the front door and steals him away.
Nostalgia Critic: WHAT THE FUCK, SECURITY?!
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) I mean, there's no sign, no locked doors, no nothing! Did they just forget that kidnapping is illegal? What a "top-knotch" establishment!
Nick Woods: I can't believe it!
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] When news of their runaway hits the parents, the mother and step-father hire a professional runaway...bringer...backer person named Mr. Putnam. But Corey's brother and father are destined to get them back first, because Mr. Putman has the audacity to bring them back...while being mildly rude.
Mr. Putnam: I make my money by bringin' kids in, and...I don't make it if someone else brings the kid in first.
Nostalgia Critic: We can't let him bring our children back alive and well with such hideously poor manners. To the shitmobile!
[Montage of Nick and his father driving around, to '60's Batman theme]
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Meanwhile, Jimmy and Corey stop at a bus station where they discover that Jimmy has a special talent for getting high points on Double Dragon.
Corey Woods: You got 50,000 on Double Dragon?
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] There, they come across Haley, a girl who also happens to be running away.
Haley Brooks: What's his problem?
Corey Woods: Just shy.
Haley Brooks: Shy a few bricks, I'd say.
Corey Woods: He just kicked ass on Double Dragon.
Haley Brooks: Get outta here. Him?
Corey Woods: Yeah, he could wax your tail.
Haley Brooks: No way.
Corey Woods: Wanna bet?
Haley Brooks: How much?
Corey Woods: [takes Haley's bus ticket.] You got a bus ticket. [Haley takes her bus ticket back.] You could cash it in.
Nostalgia Critic: What kids talk like this?!
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] I mean, seriously, they all talk like 1980's businessmen! I mean, who raised 'em? Donald Trump?!
Donald Trump: You're fired.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Haley is shocked to find out that Jimmy does beat her at Double Dragon. A boy defeats a girl at a video game? Stop the presses!
Haley Brooks: Your attitude sucks.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Meanwhile, Corey's dad and brother continue to search for them--after stealing the tree from Harold and Maude--and they decide to stay in a hotel. There, Nick hooks up a Nintendo system, which seems to bring this father and son closer together.
Sam Woods: Doesn't take much intelligence to play that game, does it?
Nick Woods: You should know.
Nostalgia Critic: Really close together.
["My Heart Will Go On," the "Titanic" love theme, by Celine Deon plays]
Nick Woods: Wanna go grab a bite to eat?
Nostalgia Critic: Reeeeally close together.
[Nick and his dad are sleeping in the same bed]
Nick Woods: I just wanna let you know...I'm glad that I'm here.
Nostalgia Critic: Really, uncomfortably, unnaturally, un-Christianly close together.
Nick Woods: Remember those trips we used to take every year? That was great. I'm sleepin' with my father.
Nostalgia Critic: Nintendo: it makes you gay!
[Fake Nintendo ad screen]
Announcer: Now you're playing with incest!
Nick Woods: We can't even talk to each other!
Sam Woods: You're in your underwear!
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Meanwhile, Haley tells Corey and Jimmy about a Nintendo competition where they could win $50,000 and you'll never guess where it's being held!
Jimmy Woods: California?
Nostalgia Critic: Right you are, ya little oddball.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] So the three of them go from pit-stop to pit-stop, conning people out of money by making bets on video games. Which it seems are mostly played by a lot of middle-aged, stuck up, white businessmen. You know, the usual demographic.
Corey Woods: Now, my brother over here, he could beat you.
Businessman: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha! Go on.
Nostalgia Critic: [mocking] A child, defeat me at a children's game? Oh-ho-ho-ho, how delightfully absurd.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] While gaining more and more money, one kid recommends Jimmy to the Ultimate Nintendo Master.
Kid: He's good, but he'd never beat Lucas.
Corey Woods: Lucas?
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, don't tell me you've never heard of Lucas; he's only the greatest Nintendo player that has ever roamed the universe.
Corey Woods: And, uh, where might we find this Lucas?
Nostalgia Critic: Within the twilight of a full moon. When the sky is dark and fire of stars pierces through the night! That is where you will find...Lucas.
[Shots of Lucas, inter-spliced with NC's descriptions and graphics echoing him]
Nostalgia Critic: He's tough. [tough!] He's cool. [coooool] But most of all...he's bad. [b-b-b-bad!]
Kid: Nobody's better than Lucas.
Lucas Barton: You the Wizard?
Corey Woods: No, he is.
Lucas Barton: Is he like a poster child for someone?
Nostalgia Critic: Ooh! [makes the finger poke/burning gesture]
Other Kid: Hey, Lucas, man, that was great!
Nostalgia Critic: They say that he's less than a god, but more than a man.
Kid: Lucas...is awesome.
Lucas Barton: Pick any game you want. I have all 97 of them.
Nostalgia Critic: NINETY S-- oh, oh.
Haley Woods: You know all 97 of them?
Nostalgia Critic: That's impossible!
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Dirty Harry, Scarface, the Terminator...
[Title card saying "PUSSIES"]
Nostalgia Critic: Lucas.
(The words "There is only LUCAS" are superimposed over an image of Lucas)
Lucas Barton: Why don't you make yourself useful and get me a cold drink?
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) Not only is Lucas a Nintendo master, he is also the keeper of a greater magic.
Nostalgia Critic: What could be so important he has to keep it in a briefcase?
(The briefcase is dramatically opened to epic music, revealing the Power Glove)
Nostalgia Critic: [shocked] The legends were true.
Haley Brooks: What is that?
Corey Woods: I don't know.
Lucas Barton: The Power Glove.
Nostalgia Critic: It's even more beautiful than I imagined!
[Lucas uses the Power Glove to play a game, and the Nostalgia Critic reacts with shock and awe at every maneuver]
Nostalgia Critic: LOOK OUT, LUCAS, LOOK OUT! My God! He's a madman, a madman! It's like watching Michelangelo carve his beloved David...but with a glove!
Lucas Barton: I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.
[Nostalgia Critic faints]
Corey Woods: Yeah, well, uh, just keep your Power Gloves off her pal, huh?
Nostalgia Critic: (confused) What?
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) Oh I'm sorry, I forgot to make room for your spontaneous romance,
Nostalgia Critic: that literally started... [checks his watch] right now!
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) All the sexual tension gets to Jimmy as he runs out of the room, while Lucas tells Haley that he'll be entering the Nintendo competition, too.
Nostalgia Critic: Surely they don't have any openings...for gods.
Lucas Barton: Is that right?
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Meanwhile, we get a look at the continuing escapades of Corey's family and the professional child-catcher, Mr. Putnam.
Sam Woods: YOU MAKE MONEY OFF OF LITTLE KIDS YOU MISERABLE JERK; YOU OUGHTA BE SHOT!
Nostalgia Critic: How dare you try to bring our children back to us safe and sound!
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Then they partake in some really stupid car scenes that remind me a lot of an old Dukes of Hazzard episode.
[Parody of the Dukes of Hazzard, using footage from The Wizard, labeled "The Dorks of Hazard"]
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover; mimicking "Dukes of Hazzard" announcer] Now them Duke boys had better plug in their Game Genie or look up some cheat codes. 'Cause there ain't no way they're gettin' outta this one with all their lives.
Sam Woods: YOU CHICKENSHIT!
Nostalgia Critic: Nintendo. It makes you wanna crash into people.
(Fake ad screen again)
Announcer: Now you're playing with vehicular manslaughter.
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) So to get ready for the tournament, Jimmy has to study as many Nintendo games as quickly as possible. While playing, they also enlist the help of a Nintendo Power Hotline.
Nostalgia Critic: God bless you, Nintendo: Helping kids cheat the right way.
Sam Woods: That's a compliment.
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) While that's going on, Mr. Putnam finally locates the kids, outside the swimming pool at a local--WAIT A MINUTE! [record needle scratching] WHAT THE HELL?! [Zoom in on an elderly man in a speedo, standing in frame] WHO GREEN-LIGHTED THE OLD MAN IN A SPEEDO?!
Mr. Putnam: I've been followin' you across two states!
Nostalgia Critic: No, no, no, no, no! I'm sorry! I can't focus with an old man's butt cheeks hanging out in the background!
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] I mean, what were they thinking? Did somebody actually look at this scene and say,
Nostalgia Critic: [mocking Todd Holland] "You know what's missing here? An old man's package. That would really add some much needed drama."?
Nick Woods: That's disgusting.
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) And if you think this movie can't possibly get any more uncomfortable, just listen to this.
Haley Brooks: (screams) HE TOUCHED MY BREAST!
(Nostalgia Critic is shocked)
Mr. Putnam: I touched her breast. She doesn't have any breasts.
(Nostalgia Critic is even more shocked)
Mr. Putnam: PUT ME DOWN!
Nostalgia Critic: Nintendo. It makes you want to touch children.
(Fake Nintendo ad again)
Announcer: Now you're playing with pedophilia...and that's just wrong.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Corey's dad and brother aren't far behind when they come across a guy wearing Jimmy's hat.
Sam Woods: Where'd you get that hat?
Guy: Couple kids. They owed me some cash.
Lucas Barton: [overhearing] Hey! I'll tell ya where they were going.
Sam Woods: Where?
[Lucas holds up a magazine advertising the competition]
Nostalgia Critic: Lucas! Darling.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] So, the three kids make it to the competition that's held at the other shameful plug in this movie, Universal Studios, where they come across some very strange adults.
Sign-Up Worker: Playing Ninja Gaiden! [martial arts yell]
Competition Host: Come up here, my little beauties!
Sign-Up Worker: MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT!
Competition Host: You get to your stations!
Nostalgia Critic: You know, I think I finally figured out the main problem with this movie: All the 12-year-olds act like 30-year-olds, and all the 30-year-olds act like 12-year-olds! It's like a topsy-turvy world that only Hollywood's limited understanding of reality could give us.
Mr. Putnam: (laughing sarcastically) That's very funny.
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) While there, they come across an old enemy.
Lucas Barton: Hey, it's the Wizard!
Nostalgia Critic: Lucas!
Lucas Barton: I brought my friends too. I wanted to show them...perfection.
(Nostalgia Critic reacts as if he's been punched in the face)
Lucas Barton: You know, I hope you don't get nervous like last time, Wiz. We wouldn't want you to...whiz on someone.
Haley Brooks: Let's just hope it's you.
Lucas Barton: Yeah, yeah, look, dork lips.
(Nostalgia Critic reacts as if he was knocked unconscious)
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) Mercy, Lucas, mercy! But as Jimmy enters the tournament, we find that he actually does pretty good, and makes it to the final three, where they get to play a brand new game.
Haley Brooks: A new game? You didn't say there'd be a new game!
Nostalgia Critic: Nobody said this movie would suck, either. Life's a bitch, deal with it.
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) Later, we find that Mr. Putnam has made it to the tournament too. He almost doesn't spot them until somebody gives away their location.
Lucas Barton: They're down there. OVER THERE! Hey!
Nostalgia Critic: LUCAS!
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) As we follow them for a chase/promotional tour of Universal Studios, Putnam finally traps them in the back of a storage room, just above the tournament. But the kids have an ingenious way to escape!
Mr. Putnam: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
Nostalgia Critic: [mocking] What the-- Puh-- An elevator? What will they think of next, phones? Horseless carriages? Automated mobiles?
Mr. Putnam: I hate you!
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] So Jimmy makes it to the final round, where we find the mother of all brand new games is finally revealed.
[Super Mario Bros. 3 is revealed in a flashy, dramatic way with epic music playing]
Nostalgia Critic: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! SUPER MARIO BROS. 3! DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY AT IT! IT'S SO SACRED IT'LL BURN YOUR EYES OUT!
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) So the game is quite literally on as Jimmy and Lucas go thumb to thumb in an epic battle for Nintendo godhood.
Corey Woods: Come on, Jimmy, score, score!
Nostalgia Critic: Go, Jimmy, go! GO, GO, GO! No, Jimmy, no! Remember your training, damn it!
Corey Woods: You're gonna have to start over Jimmy, just stay calm okay?
Nostalgia Critic: You can do it, Jimmy, come on!
Corey Woods: Find the warp, Jimmy, find the warp!
Nostalgia Critic: You're falling behind, catch up, catch up!
Haley Brooks: Get the star, Jimmy, get the star!
Nostalgia Critic: OH, MY GOD!
[Scenes of inspirational trainers/coaches from movies interspliced with The Wizard footage; Jimmy wins, everyone cheers, Nostalgia Critic breaks down crying; Lucas sulks]
Nostalgia Critic: Don't worry Lucas, you'll get 'im next time.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] So after he wins the tournament, everybody finally starts to head home. But Jimmy finds the dinosaurs that were in PeeWee's Big Adventure and has to go in. So why did Jimmy wanna go to California all this time?
Corey Woods: It's all of us. I guess...he just wanted to leave her in a place where she was happy.
Nostalgia Critic: [voiceover] Wow. How phenomenally unsatisfying.
Nostalgia Critic: I mean, how much more anti-climactic can you possibly get? If you're gonna have dinosaurs in a movie about Nintendo games, they better fuckin' eat somebody.
Mr. Bateman: Would it do any good?
Nostalgia Critic: (voiceover) Bottom line? It's always more fun to actually play video games than it is to watch people play video games. And this movie is living proof of it.
Nostalgia Critic: And on top of that, I think everyone's career actually got destroyed because of this movie, I mean look at the director, what did he move on to? Just directing the majority of all the Malcolm in the Middle epi...sodes. Okay, bad example. How about Fred Savage? Can you think of anything that he moved on to?
[The Wonder Years theme starts playing]
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, okay. But I'm sure that Christian Slater kid never moved on to any kind of famous publicity.
[Christian Slater is on a magazine cover with a wolf-whistle sound effect in the background]
Nostalgia Critic: Okay, alright, Jimmy. The little prodigy in the movie. Surely spending your entire life just playing video games can't get you any kind of fame. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[Nostalgia Critic stops laughing, and looks at the picture, shocked, and scary music starts playing while he takes out a marker and draws glasses on Jimmy's face, similar to Danny writing "REDRUM" with lipstick on a door while repeating the word over and over in Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining."]
Nostalgia Critic: OH, MY GOD!
[An image of The Angry Video Game Nerd, played by James D. Rolfe, is superimposed over Jimmy, with horror music from Stanley Kubrick's "The Shining."]
Nostalgia Critic: NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!
[Same pan out as the end of AVGN Rant Part 2]