October 21, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo plays, followed by the 2020 Nostalgia-Ween intro. Open on the NC, who is looking quite nervous)
NC: (quickly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And I have a confession to make: I have never seen The Witches!
(The audience is heard gasping in disbelief)
Audience member: Wait, that's not that bad.
NC: I know I've talked about it time and time again on this show, but I've never actually seen it all the way through!
Audience member: We really don't give a shit.
NC: But with...
NC (vo): ...the remake coming out this year...
NC: ...I insist that you torture me any way you see fit!
Audience member: Oh, that we can do.
(The sound of missiles launching is heard. NC looks up and, with a startled yelp, gets out of the way before the missiles hit his usual spot. After that, the title for the 1990 version of The Witches (1990) is shown, followed by more clips from the remake's trailer)
NC (vo): With Robert Zemeckis's latest cry of "Please let me do something!"...
(Cut to footage of the original film)
NC (vo): ...it only figures to finally look over the beloved dark fantasy from 1990. You see, when I was young, I wasn't allowed to see it because it was said to be too scary, which, like any kid, encouraged me to see it more. So I went to a friend who had it, but we didn't have time to watch the whole thing, so I simply said, "Show me all the scary scenes." And the few segments I saw did not disappoint. Now, exactly thirty years later, I guess it only makes sense to watch the movie that came with those scenes. The film has a ton of talent associated with dark storytelling: (The poster for Don't Look Now is superimposed) The director of the classic Don't Look Now, Nicholas Roeg; producer Jim Henson who has (Posters of The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth are superimposed) plenty of creepy shit in his arsenal; and of course, (A shot of the cover of Roald Dahl's "Matilda" is shown) the beloved children's author who said, "Fuck your bedtime story, your pants need some shitting!" That's obviously a great combo. I guess I'm just saying, don't plan on me explaining the impact this had on tons of kids, as I'll be experiencing that impact here today. But I do know a lot of people love how messed up it is, so it only makes sense to check out why.
NC: Let's see why everyone went (shows a clip from original film where Ms. Ernst (Anjelica Huston) takes off her human mask and recoils from it) "Ah, shit!" before they went (Another clip from the remake trailer plays and he reacts more in annoyance than anything) "Aw, shit." This is The Witches.
(The movie begins on a small little village surrounded by some snowy mountains, though oddly, not one bit of snow is in the village)
NC (vo): We get a really long opening shot flying over these snowy hills, so naturally, this takes place during a particularly warm fall.
Helga Eveshim (Mai Zetterling): Witches spend their time plotting to kill children.
NC: (shrugs) Sounds like one of the nicer openings to a Roald Dahl story.
(It is shown that Helga is talking to her grandson, Luke)
NC (vo): This is Luke, played by Jasen Fisher, who listens to stories from his grandmother because, (snickering) if his parents aren't dead yet, they soon will be!
Helga: I traveled the world in search for the Grand High Witch.
NC: (shakes head) And I'm instantly not gonna miss them because (points to screen) this grandma is awesome!
NC (vo): She tells the story about a girl named Erica who was nabbed by witches when she was a child. Her father is terrified to find somehow her image has made its way onto the painting in their house.
Helga: The peculiar thing was that little Erica kept on changing her position.
Luke: Did you see her moving in the picture?
NC (vo): (as Helga, shaking head) No, that effect would be too expensive.
NC (vo): The girl grows older in the picture until one day, she vanishes, presumably dying or someone snuck paint thinner into her coffee. (The painting is shown again later in the movie) I do hope this is referenced later for two seconds and then never brought up again.
(Luke's parents enter the room)
Luke's father (Vincent Marzello): (coming in) Everything all right, Mother?
Helga: Very all right.
Luke: Goodbye, Mom.
Luke's Father: Good night, son.
Luke: Good night, Dad.
NC (vo): (as Luke's father) I'll see you at the funeral. (normal) She tells Luke how witches hate the smell of clean children, but a dirty child is an invisible scent.
Helga: To a witch, you would smell absolutely disgusting.
Luke: What kind of disgusting?
NC (vo): (as Helga) Christ, I'm saying lay off the chipotle, all right? (normal voice) The next morning, Luke gets an unpleasant surprise.
(Luke walks into his parents' bedroom, only to find them missing)
Luke: Mom? Dad?
NC (vo): Oh, God. Put a search out for all runaway rhinos.
(The police drive through town trying to find Luke's parents, but return to Helga, holding a scarf in their hands. They had apparently died in a car crash)
Policeman: Frau Eveshim, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
NC (vo; as policeman): I have what's left of Luke's mother in the scarf. Martha Stewart said delivering big news should always be like I'm wrapping a present.
(Luke walks into Helga's room)
Helga: Come here to me. Sit on my lap, all right?
(Luke sits down next to Helga, who wraps him in a blanket as she hugs him)
NC (vo): Grandma tells Luke about his parents death and decides to go home with her to England. With such a heavy scene for children to watch, let's lighten the mood.
(As Luke plays in a treehouse in Helga's yard, he spots a mysterious woman, played by Anne Lambton, dressed in black and wearing sunglasses passing by below. She spots him and holds up a bag to him)
Woman: I've got something for you here. (She takes off her sunglasses, revealing a purple tint in her eyes, signifying that she's a witch in disguise) Something I think you'll like. (Luke gasps as she holds up a snake from the bag) I just wanted to give you this.
Witch: Perhaps you'd like some chocolate. (holds up a chocolate bar) Here you are, a big bar of chocolate.
NC (vo; as the witch): Fresh from Willy Wonka's torture tunnel. (An image of Tom and Jerry from their Willy Wonka crossover film is shown in the corner) This one has extra feline and rodent.
Helga: (coming out) Luke, it's dinnertime. (The witch leaves, annoyed)
NC (vo): His grandma scares her away and gives Luke his birthday gift. But soon after, she passes out.
Doctor: Your granny has a very mild case of diabetes.
NC (vo; as doctor): Either that or it's a witch's hex. If she does any strange things with a crucifix, let me know. (as Luke) Like what? (as doctor) You'll know.
Helga: I'm sorry for spoiling your birthday for you, and for giving you a fright.
Luke: Is it all right if I play with William and Mary now?
NC: (incredulously) After you give him more creative names than that? Who raised you, paper?!
Luke: (to William and Mary, his pet mice) When Grandma gets better, we're going with her to a hotel by the ocean. I'll tell you, it's big.
(The mice run on wheels, which causes a toy skeleton cackles)
NC: It's the welcoming warmth I love about this movie.
NC (vo): They do eventually make their way to that hotel, but a nasty customer named Ms. Ernst, played by Anjelica Huston, checks in as well.
Mr. Stringer (Rowan Atkinson): Ah, Ms. Ernst. I am the owner of the hotel.
NC (vo; as Mr. Stringer): Too many Americans kept confusing me for John Cleese, so screw it, I'm just playing Basil Fawlty.
(In the dining room of the hotel, Luke meets a portly kid named Bruno Jenkins, played by Charlie Potter. Bruno is at a table at one end of the room, where he is eating some pastries, but he seems to recoil when he notices they have raisins in them)
Bruno Jenkins (Charlie Potter): The raisins were around the edge of these cakes. (gives a pastry to Luke)
NC (vo): Luke meets a kid named Bruno who's obsessed with food, because, you know, FAT!
(He sees some more sweets on another table)
Bruno: Oh, you've got those excellent cakes again! (The attendant sees him, however, and slaps his hand away from the sweets; he turns to Luke) Except when they use margarine instead of butter.
(As we cut back to NC, shots of Augustus Gloop from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Bruce Bogtrotter from Matilda are shown)
NC: Eating is the only identity for large kids in Roald Dahl books.
(Meanwhile, Mr. Stringer and an acquaintance (who looks like Benny Hill) are setting up some mousetraps in the kitchen)
NC (vo): My God, Mr. Bean and Benny Hill in the same room! Oh, sorry, my mix-up. Like I said, Americans confuse Atkins [sic] and Cleese all the time.
(Luke walks into the conference room)
NC (vo): Luke knows he'll get in trouble if his mice are spotted, (Luke ducks down and releases his mice here) so he hides in an empty room that soon to become very filled.
(It gets filled, all right, with various women who all come in and take their seats. They applaud Ms. Ernst as she enters the room and stands up at the front of the room, supposedly for a meeting of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. Ms. Ernst dramatically removes her cloak from her dress and strikes a pose. She is being assisted by Miss Irvine, played by Jane Horrocks)
NC: Yeah, I knew it.
(The scene replays, but with a clip from The Rocky Horror Picture Show playing in the corner, showing a similar scene involving Dr. Frank-N-Furter striking a similar pose)
NC (vo): This is a Rocky Horror screening!
Ms. Ernst: Remove your shoes.
(The women take off their shoes as Luke watches from under the seats. He is aghast)
NC (vo; as Luke): Sweet, this is totally my thing!
(The women continue to remove the rest of their disguises while Ms. Ernst removes her human mask, revealing herself to be the Grand High Witch)
NC (vo; as Luke): Uh, was my thing.
(The Grand High Witch reveals her natural witchy ugliness, while the other women remove their hair from their heads, which were all wigs. Their heads are all completely bald. Their eyes are now purple, too. They are all in fact witches, one of whom smiles creepily)
NC: (amused) This is what happens when you get (A shot of Nigel Booth's IMDB page is shown in the corner) the effects guys from Aliens to do your cute little kids movie.
NC (vo): No joke, these effects are as spectacular now as they were when they first premiered. (An arrow points to a minor fault on Huston's makeup) Well, okay, that's a little obvious. (Another arrow points to another minor fault on a witch's bald cap) Um, sure, that can be blended a little better. (More arrows point to various minor faults on the witches' bald caps) Okay, a lot of it could be blended better. It's a little disturbing her chin (The camera then zooms in on the Grand High Witch's chin) looks like Mr. Burns' ball sack and...I'm sorry, I'm just thinking of all the kids traumatized because their parents thought this was the same kind of PG as (Poster of the following is shown off to the side...) Inside Out and...
NC: (shakes head) By God, I gotta give a standing ovation to this! (stands up, applauding)
Grand High Witch: My orders are every child should be rubbed out!
(NC looks tempted to say probably a very dirty joke, but some text appears on the bottom of the screen reading, "DON'T SAY IT." NC still looks tempted, but more text appears: "DON'T FUCKING SAY IT!" NC is about to say something anyway, but another set of text appears: "YOU WANNA GET DEMONETIZED?" NC sighs and says nothing)
Grand High Witch: Do I make myself clear?
(The camera zooms in on various witches in the audience, who look suspiciously like they're played by male actors)
NC (vo): Not sure if they put guys as witches because it's a progressive covenant, or they just wanted to save on bald makeup...
One witch (Nora Connolly): We can't possibly wipe out all of them.
Grand High Witch: (pointing at her) You dare to argue with me?!
(Lasers shoot out of the Grand High Witch's eye, killing the dissenting witch. It is so loud and so violent that it causes the ground to shake, and even Mr. Stringer feels it at the front desk as papers go flying everywhere)
NC (vo; as Mr. Stringer): That sounded like someone's eyes lasering someone to death!
(This witch is now a pile of dust, sparking a bit)
Grand High Witch:...and resign from your jobs.
NC: Hey, remember when Jennifer Lawrence complained about being that Mystique makeup?
NC (vo): This scene is over ten minutes long, and Huston is stuck in that shit for guaranteed most of the shooting day. And she must have taken Doug Jones meditation classes, because you never know she was uncomfortable, given her performance.
(The Grand High Witch tosses to the witches a bunch of British notes, which they eagerly collect. They then put their wigs back on)
NC (vo): She reveals her plan for the witches to purchase candy stores and lace all the sweets with a potion to turn all the children into mice.
(Bruno is standing before the door to the meeting. One witch opens the door and lets him in)
NC (vo): In fact, their first subject, Bruno, is about to be their literal test mouse, because fat!
Bruno: That lady promised me six whole bars of chocolate! (to the Grand High Witch) I've come to collect.
NC: (disgusted) What an entitled little puke. (no longer disgusted) Thought about working online?
(Bruno and the witches start laughing, with the former still confused)
NC (vo; as Bruno): My death is hilarious!
(The witches feed Bruno some chocolate, which has been laced with the transformation potion, and he starts transforming into a mouse)
Grand High Witch: It's fantastic!
(Bruno spazzes out on his transformation while the witches watch and laugh gleefully at the sight of it)
NC: Jesus, it's like Fievel the mouse...
NC (vo): ...after a meth highball! I don't care if this came out in '90, this is an honorary '80s shit-your-pants film!
(Bruno, now a mouse, scurries off as the witches applaud. Luke, having watched the whole thing, accidentally knocks over a wall, whereupon he is discovered, the witches giving chase)
NC (vo): He [Bruno]'s transformed into a mouse, and Luke is discovered shortly after.
(Luke runs away from the witches, dodging through tables in the hotel. He shoves a long table in the witches' path)
NC (vo; as a witch): Tables! Witches' natural enemy!
(The chase leads out of the hotel, with Luke knocking over patio tables and umbrellas to slow the witches down while he jumps a small stone fence)
NC (vo; as a witch): And small stone fences! (normal voice) You know, they're becoming less threatening the more they're onscreen.
(Seeing Luke run down the hill, the Grand High Witch spots a baby pram and pushes it down the hill after Luke)
NC (vo): This movie's friendly enough; let's throw an attempted baby murder on top of everything!
Mother: (seeing what's happening) OH! MY BABY! (runs after it down the hill)
Disguised witch: Baby in a pram! Oh!
NC: (shrugs) Guess it is pretty funny.
(The pram rolls toward the edge of a rocky cliff, but Luke manages to stop it in the nick of time and save the baby. Then he runs back to Helga's room, only to discover her unconscious as the Grand High Witch enters the room, catching him)
NC (vo): Luke saves the baby and eventually escapes, but he discovers Ms. Ernst has poisoned his grandma. They capture Luke and force him to take the potion, turning him into a mouse. And with Jim Henson’s brilliant puppetry, I'm sure you can't tell the difference between that and the real thing–
(The mouse (puppet) version of Luke emerges from his clothes, looking quite lackluster. The witches laugh at him as he looks around)
NC: (looking rather sickly at this sight) Still looks better than CG. (A shot of the mice in the CG trailer is shown in the corner)
NC (vo): Luke escapes from the witches and meets up with Bruno, who even when he's not fat, has the personality of fat.
Luke: Are you okay?
Bruno: They didn't give me the six bars of chocolate they promised.
NC (vo; as Bruno): Clearly my biggest concern.
NC: (as Bruno) If it's a problem I can't eat, it doesn't exist.
(On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes with Luke and Bruno in their mouse forms running into Luke’s pet mice, William and Mary)
NC (vo): So while the smaller mouse puppets are a little wonky, the close-up ones are really damn good. I'm sure this is because they can have more detail and control, but when it's far away, it does kinda look like unfinished animatronics for Carousel of Progress.
(A video of the classic Carousel of Progress is shown, showing the father singing the iconic song in a rather distorted voice)
Father: ♪ There's a great big beautiful tomorrow, just a dream away... ♪
(Cut back to The Witches, as Luke and Bruno are inside an elevator, using paper bags to disguise themselves. The elevator door opens and they scurry out as fast as they can as it starts closing)
Luke: Faster. Faster!
(The elevator door closes on Bruno's bag and catches on his tail)
Bruno: I forgot my tail.
(The elevator rises, taking the bag with it, but Bruno manages to pull his tail free)
NC: I think we were all expecting that to go in a different direction. (nods as a shot of the elevator door, covered in blood, is shown in the corner)
(The mice scurry past Mr. Stringer as he makes out with one of the hotel maids)
NC (vo): They stumble across the hotel manager sharing his...Blackadder...and they sneak into Luke's grandma's room, who's feeling better.
(Helga is stunned by Luke's transformed appearance)
Helga: My darling Luke! What have they done to you?
Luke: They...They turned me into a mouse.
NC: (as Luke) I...thought that would be obvious.
Luke: They leave tomorrow with a bundle of money...
NC (vo): Uh, down here, Grandma. (A green arrow appears, pointing to Luke) The mouse with the green outline that would have been keyed better if there wasn't (arrow points to green book in front of Luke) a green book in the shot.
(We then cut to the lobby, where Bruno's father, played by Bill Paterson, meets the Grand High Witch as Ms. Ernst)
Mr. Jenkins: But I'd like to say hello to a fellow philanthropist.
Ms. Ernst: You collect stamps?
NC (vo): I love that the villain hates children so much, she literally can't say it without almost vomiting.
Ms. Ernst: You give money for the little... (gags in her mouth, trying not to throw up, wile Miss Irvine holds up a bowl to her in case) children. We also give money for the little...
(Mr. Jenkins puts a coin in the bowl)
NC: I hope to hate something that bad!
NC: (whispering) I'll get there...
(As night falls, Luke is discussing with his grandmother what to do to stop the witches. He is clinging to a baby-face cloth for some reason)
Luke: If I could get the formula into their food... (drops down off the face)
NC: Do even the wall decorations have to be scary??
NC (vo): It's like a baby being born through a ravioli's vagina! Who am I kidding? Roald Dahl would approve.
(Helga takes some thread, which she has sewn into a sock, with Luke inside, and holds it out the window, lowering the thread and Luke down to a lower floor)
Helga: (whispering) Be careful.
Luke: I will, I will.
(Inside Ms. Ernst's room, Luke discovers the potions that cause the transformation. One of them reads "Formula Eighty-Six (86)")
NC (vo): He finds one of the potions, but the witches come in literally putting on their faces.
Ms. Ernst: (to Miss Irvine, trying to put her mask on to hide her ugly face) All right, let him in.
(As Miss Irvine walks past, her head covers Ms. Ernst's face, and by the time, she has fully walked past, Ms. Ernst has succeeded in putting her mask on)
NC: If you're like me, you rewound that scene...
NC (vo): ...a million times to figure out how they did that effect. If I had to guess, I'd say she just dropped the mask while the other woman passed by. But Jesus, what perfect timing! Both these actresses must have been like, "Christ, we should be surgeons; that was such a smooth operation!"
(Luke gasps and scurries out of the room, taking the potion with him, holding it in his tail. He scurries under the hallway carpet to avoid being spotted)
NC (vo): Luke gets out and tries to sneak past without getting noticed.
(As Luke scurries under the rug, we hear the sound of hotel patrons speaking as they walk by)
Hotel Patron: Now, the question is...
(One of the patrons accidentally steps on Luke, but somehow doesn't hurt him too much)
NC: Mm, let's play the more realistic take.
(The scene replays, but this time, with the sound of a blood spurt effect edited in by NC where Luke is. Then we cut briefly to the end credits before resuming the movie for real, with Luke bringing the potion to Helga)
NC (vo): They decide to sneak the potion into the witches' dinner to turn them all into mice. The grandma finds Bruno's parents and tries delicately to tell them what happened.
Helga: (about Bruno) He is here already. Your son has suffered a mishap. He has been drastically altered.
NC: (as Helga) His head is next to my lipstick, and unless you want a shorter casket at his funeral, you'll do as I say. Again, Roald Dahl. Tell me you couldn't see that in this!
Helga: The witches (whispering) turned him into a mouse.
Mr. Jenkins: You crackers?
NC: Hey, that is our word!
(Helga puts down her purse and Luke and Bruno, in their mouse forms, come out, helping themselves to some grapes on the table. Bruno's parents naturally freak out at the sight of the two mice)
NC (vo): She tries her best to convince them, but they don't listen. Meanwhile, one of the maids sees the potion and mistakes it for perfume.
(The maid takes the potion and pours a tiny dab of it on her finger. Then she rubs it on both sides of her neck. She smiles throughout)
NC: Furries have already written (holds up whole hand) five) stories about what this does to her!
(Helga takes Luke and Bruno to the kitchen, hoping to spike a soup to be served at the witches' dinner with the potion. However, a chef comes up to Helga, who discreetly puts the mice in a crate full of potatoes while looking at the chef)
NC (vo): Luke and Bruno gets separated in the kitchen and try to avoid...getting separated in the kitchen.
(A chef grabs some potatoes to put a slicer to be julienned to make fries. However, Luke, holding the potion in his tail, manages to escape. He peeks out through a pile of julienne potatoes and gasps as he sees that they about to be put into a fryer to make fries)
NC: Now you know the secret ingredient for McDonald's fries. (beat, then waves dismissively) It wasn't ever a secret.
(Another chef is holding a fish filet over a trashcan, trying to scrap a few bits off the filet)
Mr. Stringer: Chef. Chef!
NC: (grinning) Ooh! And we also see how their fish filet is made!
(At last, Luke spots the soup that the witches will be eating. He opens the potion bottle and drops it into the soup)
NC (vo): He dumps the potion into the soup... (A shot of Ratatouille is shown in the corner, showing Remy prepping a soup in the kitchen as Linguini looks on in surprise) Um, Ratatouille exists.
(We then see the maid again as she returns to Mr. Stringer)
NC (vo): ...as the hotel owner tries to figure out when he can make the bed with the maid again.
Mr. Stringer: (looking at her nervously) I may be a little late.
NC: (as maid) What a coincidence, so am I.
(The maid then looks herself in the mirror and discovers why Mr. Stringer was looking uncomfortable: she has grown mouse fur on her neck!)
NC (vo): She notices mouse fur on her neck...
NC: (shakes head) Get ready for that never to come back.
(Meanwhile, Luke, having done his duty, tries to leave. He comes upon another chef carving some meat with a cleaver)'
NC (vo): ...while a real mouse is– (Suddenly, the chef brings his cleaver down and chops the tip of Luke's tail off!) CHRIST!!
Luke: (scurrying away, not feeling any pain apparently) Phew, I gotta get outta here!
NC: Oh, he's just ignoring how his tail was CLEARLY...
NC (vo): ...SEVERED IN THAT SCENE?!
Luke: (scurrying away) Phew, I gotta get outta here!
NC (vo; as Luke): Oh, and I forget to mention: SWEET GOD, I'VE NEVER BEEN IN MORE PAIN! GIVE ME FIVE CENTIMETERS OF MORPHINE, STAT!!
(One chef is seen sitting in a chair, with the waiting staff walking past him. He takes a cracker from one waiter's hand to eat)
NC: Well, I'll be damned. Carson really did have humble beginnings.
(Mr. Stringer enters the kitchen)
NC (vo): (as chef) Oh, if only I could blame this on Mr. Molesley.
(One of the witches, who had made the soup to be served, taste-tests the soup, not realizing that the soup has been spiked with the potion. She starts turning into a mouse. One chef looks on in surprise at her mousey appearance)
Chef: Who's laddie?
NC (vo): The witch who made the soup turns into a mouse herself and tries to warn the others.
(The witch manages to leave the kitchen, whereupon she turns fully into a mouse and scurries out into the dining room, where the witches' banquet is taking place. She runs up to Ms. Ernst. Seated next to her is the witch from the beginning of the movie, the one who had tempted Luke with a snake)
Witch-turned-mouse: Don't touch the soup!
(Ms. Ernst screams when she sees the mouse)
Witch: (seated next to her) Child!
(This witch crushes the witch-turned mouse under her foot, leaving a spurt of green ooze in its wake. Cut to a clip of Out of Sight, showing Chino (Luis Guzmán) being pinned down by Karen (Jennifer Lopez)'s foot, but with the Witches poster replacing Karen)
Chino: Wow! You are mean!
(Cut back to The Witches)
NC (vo): All the witches are given the soup and start to transform.
(Many of the witches spazz out as they transform. Ms. Ernst reacts in alarm as the witches sitting beside her take on mouse-like appearance, squeaking as they do. Ms. Ernst gets up and starts to run off)
Ms. Ernst: What's going on?!
(One witch, spazzing out on her mouse transformation and having lost her wig, shakes around as her shirt gives way, revealing transformed skin and an exposed belly button underneath. She grabs a hold of the nearest waiter for support. NC holds up his finger and brings it down, pausing the film. He pushes his finger down again, rewinding the footage. He then pushes his finger down repeatedly, playing the film in slow motion as he sees the witch's transforming body and belly button. He then pauses on this shot and looks at it closely)
NC: (nods) You saw it, too.
(Helga confronts Ms. Ernst and outs her as the Grand High Witch, who realizes what's going on and is outraged that she and the other witches have been outwitted. Her eyes turn purple)
Grand High Witch: (yelling haltingly as she is about to transform) YOU'RE DOOMED FOREVER!!!
(Bruno jumps on the Grand High Witch's chest, and she screams)
NC: (shrugging in confusion) I guess he saw an opportunity and took it?!
(Mr. Stringer and the hotel staff enter the room, trying to attack the witches, most of whom have by now completely turned into mice. Mr. Stringer is wielding a meat cleaver. He grabs one mouse and throws it aside. It squeals as it flies through the air)
NC (vo; as this mouse): (speaking in Pinky's voice) Tell Brain I love him!
(The Grand High Witch begins to transform into a mouse as well. Her mask falls off, revealing, to a snarling roar, her natural ugly appearance, which is now more hideous than ever, thanks to the transformation taking place. Mr. and Mrs. Jenkins, who were also in attendance, recoil in utter horror at this abomination. The few remaining witches now completely turn into mice)
NC (vo): Once again, we get some really awesome effects with the mouse transformations and Grandma traps Ms. Ernst.
(Helga traps the Grand High Witch, now transformed into a very ugly mouse, under a water jug, while the latter screams to be let out. Helga ignores her screams and calls over Mr. Stringer to point out a particularly infectious mouse to eliminate)
NC (vo): Oh, don't worry, kids. She's just gonna be chopped in half with a cleaver!
(Mr. Stringer discovers the ugly mouse that Helga was talking about under the jug. He lifts up the jug and brings his cleaver down the Grand High Witch, chopping her in half. She screams as she is hit and a plume of green smoke erupts from her as she is killed. Mr. Stringer recoils in disgust. We then cut back to NC swaying in his seat as the PG rating is shown with Mickey Mouse-type arms, which wrap around his arms, seemingly hugging him)
NC: Oh, original PG, (whispers) never let me go...
NC (vo): Grandma and Luke head back home, but Luke mails himself all the money the witches were gonna use to open the candy shops.
(Luke crawls into the case containing all of the British notes and pulls out a little black book)
Luke: It was the Grand High Witch's. It has the name and address of every witch in America. (Helga takes and opens the black book) I hope we have time to take on those American witches.
NC: Ohh...I smell a movie spin-off.
(NC nods as the poster for The Last Witch Hunter is shown in the corner, but with Vin Diesel's head being replaced by that of Luke the mouse's. Back to the movie, we see Miss Irvine approaching Helga's home. She had felt so mistreated by Ms. Ernst, who had gone so far as to ban her from the banquet, that she quit, and thus she is the one witch who did not turn into a mouse)
NC (vo): But the witch that was always left out of the group turns Luke back to the way he was to show her appreciation.
(Standing outside the house from a safe distance, Miss Irvine fires a blast of her own magic at Luke to change him back into a human, albeit naked with no clothes on. He runs to the window to see Miss Irvine, who then tosses him his glasses, so he can see)
NC (vo): Don't thank her, young man, thank the test audience that couldn't handle the original ending.
(The glasses magically appear on Luke's face. He and Helga laugh)
NC: (as Luke) But why do I still have the hots for (An image of the following is shown in the corner...) Gadget from Rescue Rangers?
(Miss Irvine gets in her car and waves goodbye)
Luke: (as he and Helga wave back) Don't forget Bruno!
NC (vo; as Miss Irvine): Kill Bruno? Got it! There's an orc-command about to look like the Terminator for him.
(As Luke and Helga close the curtains, the movie ends)
NC: And that was The Witches. It's mean, dark, and would scare the shit out of your children, so of course I like it.
(Footage from the film plays out once more as NC gives his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): I'll admit, the parts where there are mice aren't as interesting as everything else, maybe because Luke is not exactly the most intriguing character as a human or a rodent. But it did allow for some good puppetry and some cool angles at times. Everything else, though, is a lot of twisted fun. Every actor is perfectly over-the-top, the humor is delightfully harsh, and the visuals are so creative, clearly taking a ton of time and effort to create. It's honestly just as good as I was hoping it would be, being aggressive and demented, while also still having a lot of charm and comedy. I guess it is a little disjointed when you think about how many plot elements don't have much of a payoff, but the payoffs they do have are just too awesome to overlook. Zemeckis has a tough act to follow, man, because this is just the right amount of cheesy horror a movie like this deserves.
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
Channel Awesome Tagline – Disguised witch: Baby in a pram! Oh!