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Girl: Don't you remember, Critic? It's me, Tamara.
 
Girl: Don't you remember, Critic? It's me, Tamara.
   
NC: Tamara, Tamara. Oh yeah, from the [[Catwoman]] review. Yeah yeah, you were funny in that.
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NC: Tamara,. Oh yeah, from the [[Catwoman]] review. Yeah yeah, you were funny in that.
   
 
Tamara: Thank you.
 
Tamara: Thank you.
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NC: Oh, uh, yeah.
 
NC: Oh, uh, yeah.
   
Tamara: Did you know that's my favorite movie?
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Tamara: Did you know that that's my favorite movie?
   
 
NC: I don't even know what your last name is. Why would I know that?
 
NC: I don't even know what your last name is. Why would I know that?

Revision as of 11:21, 8 February 2014

The Wicker Man

Wickerman

Released
January 21, 2014
Running time
36:29
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Admin's Note: This guide is unfinished. Please finish it.

(We start off today's episode with Nostalgia Critic coming into the studio whistling "The Review Must Go On" while on his finger, he carries the Wicker Man DVD. Just before he gets to the door his reviewing room's in, he senses something behind him and turns around, seeing a girl with a rather creepy smile on her face)

Nostalgia Critic: Have you been helped?*

  • I couldn't understand that line

Girl: Don't you remember, Critic? It's me, Tamara.

NC: Tamara,. Oh yeah, from the Catwoman review. Yeah yeah, you were funny in that.

Tamara: Thank you.

(There's an uncomfortable silence)

NC: I find you socially awkward due to your disturbing silence.

Tamara: I see that you have the Wicker Man DVD in your possession.

NC: Oh, uh, yeah.

Tamara: Did you know that that's my favorite movie?

NC: I don't even know what your last name is. Why would I know that?

Tamara: Do you have the original or the unrated version?

NC: (looking at the disk) Uh, the unrated.

Tamara: Oh. Good.

NC: ...Why?

Tamara: No reason. Enjoy your movie.

NC: Oh, thanks, I will-- (he looks at the disk, then back to her, only to see she's gone!) That was wei--(and she's back in front of him) Gaah! Fuck! Can you go that way, please? (Tamara turns and leaves) Ah, Jesus! (he opens the door to his reviewing room) The hell's going on around here--(guess who's in the chair?) Will you get out of here--(now she's behind him!) Turn around and piss off! (he pushes her out, only to turn around and she's right back in front of him!) Get out of here, you little whack-a-mole! (finally she leaves as he gets in his chair) As if this week couldn't get any more creepy, let's keep it going with Nicolas Cage Month!

(We do the Nicolas Cage Month opening of every face being Nicolas Cage)

I'm Nicolas Cage

Actually I have a confession to make

I'm actually not Nicolas Cage

I'm Nicolas Cage pretending to be a narrator who sounds like Nicolas Cage

Man is it fucked up?

(wheezing laugh) Of course it is!

By the way I'm gonna be starring in 26 other movies this month

But if they ever made a live-action Winnie the Pooh, I'd play Eeyore

NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it so you don't have to. Lets talk about Neil LaBute. (vo) You might not recognize his name, but you might recognize his movies. Lakeview Terrace, Nurse Betty, and probably his most controversial, In the Company of Men. And if you were like most movie goers, this was probably your reaction to them.

(cut to Rob, Malcolm, and Jim in a movie theatre with very shocked "WTF" faces)

NC: (vo) His films usually had a shockingly harsh mean spirited tone that many critics like, but most audiences didn't know how to accept.

(clip from In the Company of Men with Aaron Eckhart playing Chad)

Chad: We take a girl of that type... just some corn-fed bitch, then one day... out goes the rug and us pulling it hard. She'll be reaching for those sleeping pills within a week... and we will laugh about this 'till we are very old men.

NC: (vo) People came out of each film saying, "It is piss my pants uncomfortable, which I think is the films intent, but is the film actually any good? I think so-ish. It's saying something-ish that I think is beneficial-ish." For years and years, nobody quite knew what to make of him. 

NC: That is until the abominable remake that finally gave movie goers clarity. That being that out of all his films, we know that quite clearly this one is absolute shit. That remake is of course Wicker Man.

(Clips of the original movie and the remake play)

NC: (vo) Based on the British cult hit of the 70s, the film centers around a cop brought in to investigate an abduction on an island ran by an bizarre cult. The major change in this one: the island is dominated by women. (beat) Yeah, interesting change, but I'm sure the guy who wrote a story about sexist men breaking the heart of a lonely depressed deaf woman would clearly show no signs of misogyny here.

NC: But, why wait to find out? Let's take a look at the burning disaster remake that is Wicker Man.

NC (vo): So as the credits roll, we naturally open up with our hero, played by Nicolas Cage. (the "Halleluljah" chorus plays) He's a cop who likes checking out books that I'm sure most of us will need to read after viewing this picture. (as he says this, Cage's character, Edward Malus, holds up a book titled "Everything's OK!") He's off doing his coply duties when he sees a kid drop her doll out the window. (Malus bends down while still riding his motorcycle and swoops it up in one move) Jesus, I didn't think you could make Nicolas Cage grabbing a girl's doll actually look cool, but, by God, this movie actually kinda pulled it off!

(The clip plays again)

NC (vo): (as Malus) In the name of Strawberry Shortcake, you shall be avenged!

NC (vo): So he pulls the car over to give the child back her doll.

Mother: We won't let it happen again, Sir.

Malus: Great, thanks a lot.

(The girl throws her doll out of the window again)

Mother: Stop that! I'm so sorry, she's belted in and-

Malus: Don't worry, it comes with the territory. I'll get it.

NC (vo): (as Malus) As an officer, it's my duty to keep my eyes peeled for any opportunity to serve and protect, except of course when a giant truck is travelling on the wrong side of the road for no reason, plunging innocent civillians into a fiery ditch. (this happens as he speaks) For some reason I'm not very good at spotting those.

(Malus sees the girl alive in the back of the burning car)

Malus: Keep your head down!

NC (vo): Cage tries to save them, but the little girl's too busy being needlessly creepy because...that's what kids in movies kinda did for a while, (posters for The Ring, The Sixth Sense, The Grudge and Stir of Echoes are shown) and she burns up in the fire. (Malus is thrown back as the car explodes) Cut to sometime later, they never say how long, as it seems Cage has a problem getting over his mistake.