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The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
Released
December 26, 2012
Running time
52:13
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Opening

NC: Well, here's a list you've probably been waiting a long time for. It's the top 11 worst movies I've ever reviewed. I've looked through all the episodes again, I've gone through all the ones I've done and these are the ones that just make me cringe, the worst of the worst. Now, let me clarify what I mean by worst of the worst. It's not necessarily a film that's so bad, it's enjoyable, so actually, you're not gonna see The Room on here or some of those other ones. It's more films that just thinking about them makes me cringe. I just want to punch something thinking about these movies. They're just ones that like offend me, that just get me in my deepest core of anger. So, with that said, as I feel I always have to, you know, put a lot of focus on, is that if you like these movies, great. Doesn't mean you're an idiot, doesn't mean you're a horrible person or anything. Everybody likes things for different reasons. These are the ones that just kill me. These are up with like some of the worst movies I've ever seen pretty much. You could almost call this the top 11 worst films I've ever seen. There's probably one or two others but these are pretty damn close so without further ado these are the (text showing his next words appear on screen) top 11 Nostalgia Critic reviewed movies I hate the most.

Nostalgia Critic, dressed as Darth Vader from The OTHER Animated Titanic review screams "No!". This serves as the interlude to the countdown.

#11: Patch Adams

(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number eleven...Patch Adams. Now I've already gone on about this before in the top 11 favorite reviews. I don't want to go too long about it.

Doug: I hate that Robin Williams formula. I like Robin Williams. He's an unbelievable talent. I hate the Robin Williams formula especially when it's connected to a real person. A real person who is actually pretty fascinating. And I hate that...I'm so glad we're kind of moving past it now and he's moving past it now and he's trying to do some other stuff whether it's better or worse but I mean he's at least moving past it. This movie just fills me to the core with anger because it's based on a fascinating person. Those clichés are so God awful. I hate that speech at the end, I hate the (haughty voice) professor who just doesn't get the joke and just "I do not agree with you." and stuff. (normal voice) You know, he might have some legitimate points. You know, why not make it even? Why not level it out? That dumbass scene at the end when they all come in with the red noses. Are you fucking kidding me? That was so awful! Ooh, and all this shit they made up. They turned his best friend into a romantic lead and made him female, it just...DAH! How am I trusting a movie that can't even get a gender right? Or that fact that he was the love interest, I ju...Doh! Ooh. Next one.

#10: The Haunting

(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number ten...The Haunting. Again, I know I've gone on about this one before it was in the top 11 favorite reviews.

Doug: Don't worry. They're not all gonna be ones that were like my top 11 favorite reviews. Uh, but again, I hate this one because I love the original and even if you didn't see the original, it you're just watching it on it's own, CG is not scary and this is at the time when they were really exploiting it like hell and they really thought that any CG they could throw at you would just look like real life. Like "Oh, wow! Yes, the ghost is really coming out at you and the statues are really moving.". You know, like they...like we don't know what CG is and we can't tell when it kind of looks fake. Uh, and because we have CG, we don't have to rely on clever characters or good storytelling or leave it the fuck alone because it's already perfect. So, really, despite that Catherine Zeta Jones is in it...she's still a hottie. Um, and the woman who plays the main...Oh, what's her name? Ah! I'm forgetting the woman who plays the lead's name. She was good. She was a good replacement. Um, but man is that a terrible, God awful movie that goes against everything that's not only good about the original, but is psychologically thrilling and adds a lot of character and creates a good story. And it's a good gothic story. And this is just like, you know (getting angry) fairytale, children telling, bullshit, ass, fuck, shit...(catches himself) See what it's doing to me? So, OK. I've gone on about that enough. Next one.

#9: Moulin Rouge

(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number nine...Moulin Rouge. Okay. Last one that was on my Favorites list. As a lot of you know, this is actually my favorite review that I've ever done.

Doug: Not just because of the movie, but because just everything went into it. I think it's the funniest, I think it's the most visually interesting, it's musical, awesome. Um, but I really still despise this movie and I know a lot of people like it. That was part of the fun of doing it is that making people who even liked it at least see the flaws or at least where people who don't like it are coming from. I think what gets me about films like this and some other films on this list is when someone thinks they're saying something really new and really revolutionary and they're doing it in just a whole new way that makes you look at something in a totally different way, but it's been done so much to death that it's practically in our fairy tales, that's practically in Disney films. You know, that are shown to us when we're little kids. You hear something that's supposed to be for adults, and it's not treating us like adults. It's treating us like we're hearing these basic fairytales for the first time except with some sort of modern twist on it that doesn't even make it, you know, more memorable or more new. If anything, it makes it so much older. And, this film is so good at that. And at celebra-it's so good at celebrating itself. It's so good at saying "Look at what we're doing. Aren't we poetic?". Uh, and it's either going to work for you or it's not. It worked for a lot of people. Um, I think even a lot of people who liked it though sort of liked the style over substance and acknowledged they get more sucked into the world and the sets and, uh...the environment of it. Uh, and not as much the story. Most people. You know, some people really liked the story, too. Uh, but for me, I just feel like I've seen this so many times and just when somebody who does have such this visual, I mean brilliance! The movie looks brilliant! And I love the setting and I love the world and I love the way they're kind telling the story. It's just a God awful story and God awful characters. And I hate it when somebody is so talented in one realm. You know, but when it comes to the most important, which really is the story and the characters...you know, they just fall flat and they... (getting angry) they feel like they're saying something new and they're not! We've seen it a million times! I just bite my fist with...Argh! Mmm! And just, the ending... (calms down) Okay, okay. It's (chuckles) I'm really sorry. I'm not giving much of an analysis on this, I'm just getting angry, but you're probably enjoying that, too. Um, so, yeah, I know a lot of people like it. Boy, do I hate it. And it was so tough watching it again. It's like the first sort of 20-30 minutes, eh, you're kinda getting into a little bit of the style and the sets, but then, after it wears off, you're just like "Oh my God, did they really expect you take this so seriously?". Mmm! Just...not a fan. No-not a fan of the movie.

#8: The Cell

(Interlude)

Doug(vo): Number eight...The Cell. And this goes back to right what I saw saying about Moulin Rouge, a film that thinks it's much more poetic and much more important.

Doug: But it's not delivering on it. It-It's sort of delivering on the visuals, which are very interesting, and even, I mean, I guess to some extent, I'll give it some credit for TRYING to go to this really dark area that most movies wouldn't go but it's...it's not smart. And it's not considerate. It's not thinking about what, you know, serial killers really go through and instead, you know, they try to create this visual realm which is so fucking ingenious. I was really hyped to see this movie. Uh, and they create this visual realm that would actually show you what's going on in the person's mind, which is really kinda cool. But's it's mostly just there's a bad guy, just evil in there. And again, when you're just creating a villain that isn't complicated, that isn't, you know, complex and is just, you know, a bad seed, even if it's in the person's mind and I get that. I know they're saying that, you know, well, this person is very complex and here are the complexities, but even the complexities are not complex! They're just, you know, it's a guy with horns going (speaking gravely, waving his arms in a creepy) "I've killed boy." (normal) You know, just turning into the bug from Men in Black. And for me, the psychology of people that do these terrible things and the film is really trying to dive into these terrible things that this guy does and why he does it, you know, you could say it in two seconds: bad childhood. (snaps his fingers) Done.

#7: Baby Geniuses

(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number seven...Baby Geniuses. How could the motherfucking director of A Christmas Story have made this ass?

Doug: Even Baby Geniuses 2, I can understand a little bit more 'cause there was SOME creativity. So-It was terrible, but there was a little something to it, a little imagination, this was, again, it's almost like they just discovered CG technology so they really think we're gonna be fooled by this, even children are gonna be fooled by this. And just this idea that they can just throw this crap at us and poop jokes and diaper jokes and-and wide-angle lens where (leans towards the camera) people are up to it like this (pulls back) I mean are not avant-garde. Danny DeVito did that a lot by the way.

#6: Inspector Gadget

(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number six...Inspector Gadget. And I'll just say it right now: I watched Inspector Gadget(the show) growing up.

Doug: It's nothing special. The-the coolest thing was the girl and the book.

#5: Biodome

(Interlude)

Doug(vo): Number five...Biodome. This is one of those films where just when I think about an unpleasant experience watching a movie, I just think of this film.

Doug: I think it's obvious I'm not a Pauly Shore fan. A lot of people aren't. But there was just...you know, when something was popular and the people throwing money at it clearly don't know WHY it's popular or HOW it's popular and they make a movie on that not knowing why something is popular so not knowing what makes it good or what made it succeed. You're just gonna get crap. You have to understand a little bit about why something is, you know, is a success. And I think they had no idea what to do with Pauly Shore and one of the Baldwins. You know, I think Pauly Shore was just on his way down at that point. I mean, it was just at the point where it's like he hit his peak and then it was starting to really decline. But, whatever, I'm sure he's under contract, they had the movie, they had the set built. So, it's just these two people walking around in their annoying voices, you know, screaming and yelling and just acting like dicks. You actually kinda feel sorry for the scientists in this movie.

#4: Felix the Cat

(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number four...Felix the Cat: the Movie. This is one that I got like lots of people telling me "You gotta do Felix the Cat: the Movie. It's so terrible, it's so terrible." and...

Doug: I'll be honest I was sort of thinking "How terrible can it be? Felix the Cat? I mean what?". And it...again, just total nonsense and noise and yelling and animation that doesn't make sense did not have much control, the story...whatever it was, it was so...you know, it was hard to follow, it gets sidetracked a million times. There's a song about foxes for a second and then you never see them again, I mean, what was the point of that? All the...all the voices sound like they were horribly dubbed and I don't know if it was made somewhere else. But, I mean, it's...it's like watching those Popeye cartoons where the voices never match what they're saying, but where that was actually kinda funny and enjoyable, this was Satan's pubic hair, just made you want to kill yourself watching it and rip your ears out. The color scheme was horrible.

#3: Little Monsters

(Interlude)

Doug(vo): Number four...Little Monsters. I saw this movie in the theaters. Let me tell you, I didn't like it when I saw it as a kid. I forgot how UNPLEASANT this is.

#2: Drop Dead Fred

#1: Garbage Pail Kids

(Interlude)

Doug(vo): And the number one worst movie I've ever reviewed is...Garbage Pail Kids.

(Doug holds his hand over his face is despair.)

Doug: When I was a child, wee boy, I really wanted to see this movie bad. I LOVED the cards. The cards I thought were so awesome. I was a boy, it was like my job to like gross stuff that was creative and crazy and making fun of girly toys which was even better. I pleaded, PLEADED with my mom to see this movie. I said "Please let me see Garbage Pail Kids. PLEASE let me see Garbage Pail Kids. I will DIE if I don't see Garbage Pail Kids.". She never let me see it. She was pretty strict about movies back then and even like a PG rating was just too much. That's back when PG ratings actually fucking meant something. And she said no. I had to plead...I think I held my breath to finally see Roger Rabbit and even she was like "No, it would be a crime not to show him Roger Rabbit even though it's a lot of stuff I disagree with.", but Garbage Pail Kids, no. She didn't go see it. She just saw it, saw the PG rating, saw how dumb the movie was and how it looked, said "No, you are not seeing this.". (sigh) I, by all the heavenly blessings, thank my mother for stopping me from seeing this movie. Because, I'm very convinced that this movie...would've taken away half my brain. I would have gotten STUPIDER watching this movie. 'Cause I'm not convinced I didn't when I saw it as an adult so imagine what it could do to me as a child, this little impressionable child that has the whole world, you know, waiting for him, both the good and the bad. But I didn't think this bad. I didn't think something this...ugly! That's the word I can use to describe this film: UGLY! It, every...the point of the film, I think, is supposed to be that no matter what you look like or how you act, I guess, that there is no such thing as ugly and everyone should be accepted for how they look. I think is what they're trying to get across possibly with other messages that can fuck me in the ass. This film is every definition of the word "ugly". It is...the point of it was to prove that, you know, there's no such thing as ugly. This convinced me there is ugly. There is horrendously, God awful ugly in the world as it's all compiled in this movie. This is not only the worst movie I've ever reviewed, this is just the worst movie I've ever seen. It's worse than Manos. I'll tell you why. First off, it's for kids. Fuck you that you think this kids' entertainment. I mean, it's like Drop Dead Fred at least had a PG-13. This is obviously trying to be a kid's film and just insulting everything that is good and decent and pure about growing up and trying to be inspired by something of a charismatic world and (gets angry as he speaks) it just wants to take that away and break it over it's knee and FUCK IT LIKE IT'S...(catches himself) So that's one thing. The second thing is that Manos at least has the distinction...of having no budget, of being made by nobody. You know, that it's just, whatever, I heard it was like a farmer that just like got some money together and made this piece of shit. This has a budget. This was based on a very successful product, the Garbage Pail Kids cards. It had to have some people that kinda knew what they were doing. I mean, they could frame a shot better than Manos. So...how could you, how could you get something this bad? How could you make something this horrendous for the youth of America? I don't care if it's trying to cash in. You know, stuff tries to cash in. Michael Bay, he-he's a fucking A-whore. You know, I mean, but at least, again, at least it's a PG-13. He knows that the demographic is dumb, 13-year-old boys who want to put their penis in anything they see. Here, this is for children. It's, it's...and I understand a little bit trying to feed into, you know, the adolescence. You know, kids like poo-poo jokes and they like pee-pee jokes and we loved the cards! The cards were hilarious and they were creative. Nothing in this film makes sense. Nothing is charming, nothing is fun to look at. The acting is all God awful. The bullies are like in their 30's. What are doing chasing this little kid who's probably not even in high school yet? He can call the cops. I mean, this isn't like "Hey, I'm gonna call your mom and dad on you.". I mean, they probably have jobs. The probably, you know, have social security numbers that you can look up, say "Here's where they live. Arrest them.". Very easy to track down. I'm sure they dress like, you know, Tarzan meets Greece. They wear the dumbest outfits that are like, you know...like I said before, Tarzan meets Greece. And, and, this...the woman that the boy falls in love with...you know, again, I don't know if they're supposed to be in high school or whatever. I mean, but it's like, yeah, in the same way, yeah the cast of 90210, they were in high school, sure. You know, even high schoolers wouldn't do something this stupid! Wouldn't go after this boy and take his lunch money. Get a fucking job or the, what was it, it was like...Even the plot was so stupid You got the Garbage Pail Kids are good at making clothes? What? How...When would these things, these abominations learn how to sew? Who picks that up? Especially looking at that, and they can all do it. What even are they? Are they aliens? We see a spaceship fly by but it's never referenced. We never if they're aliens or just ugly things of whatever...The (gets angry and waves and slaps his hands on his legs) STATE HOME FOR THE UGLY?! Are you fucked?! Who...(spins around in his chair waving his arms angrily) WHO DOES THAT?! Who makes a State Home for the Ugly and expects us to buy it?! Why is Gandhi in the State Home for the Ugly? Why is, why is Abraham Lincoln in the State Home for... Santa Claus? Really? That's like the most charming icon you can put in anything. They put Santa Claus in the State...Where...(points to his head, signaling his brain)Where was this? Where was this when any of this was being written? When any of this was being filmed. A-and, they're constantly trying to, like the guy, the main guy who I guess is supposed to be the whimsical bullshit, whatever he is. He's British, so he must be whimsical in a kid's film, that's their logic. You know, where was he when he says you know "It's not about how you look, it's about what's inside and what's bla-bla-bla" and then later, he's like "You think they bought it?". Well, fuck you! Why do you still have these kids? Why is he, why are they still in a pail? The-the-they go an-they're constantly threatening other people with like a knife, this one has a knife. Nice! That's a good lesson for kids. You know and whatever, they do the typical stuff like, they puke and stuff like that. This one kid pees his pants like eight times. 'Cause you know the first one was gold. We have to really keep showing that. 'Cause that'll just make us laugh even m-even more. And it's, it's mean. It's rotten. It's clearly not for kids. You know, even though they're advertising it as for kids. It's written for kids probably by kids. Fuck it, kids could write something better than this. And it's got the 80's bullshit going on with the 80's fashion that looks horrendous. It's all shot very dark, probably so you can't see the lame ass puppeteers going on. All the kids look like this.

(Doug imitates one of the faces, with his eyes wide open and his mouth hanging open.)

Doug: And their mouths never fully close. They just (with his mouth wide open) talk like this. 'Cause I can talk like this. (normal) Oral puppets!

(Doug slams his fist and then grunts in frustration.)

Doug: It literally makes me cringe thinking about it. It's just the most awful movie I can imagine. As you can see, I've seen some really bad movies. And like I said I think what projects it into that special level of awful, ahem, is, I mean, you probably noticed, I'm very protective of kids. I don't think we should just, like oh, throw any shit at kids. You know, I mean, I really want them to get the best that we can offer 'cause they're going to...That's one of the most...developed, that's when you can, you know, shape them into something good and strong and proud and you're-you're...You're gonna throw Garbage Pail Kids at 'em? Shame on you! I-I just get really insulted when you have something that's not only dumb. I mean, beyond dumb. But is so cruel. And so dark and so harsh. And for no purpose. For no greater good. Nothi-I've yet-I don a panel on a lot of these cons called "Movies Everyone Disagrees with You On" where I try to make the point that you know, what I always say, if you like a film and everyone else doesn't, you know, still like it.

(Scenes from the movie are shown.)

Doug(vo): You know, and talk about it. You can learn about the person. And I've heard some of the strangest movies that people like.

(Back to Doug.)

Doug: You know, and I never go "Oh! What's wrong with you? Oh, shame on you, ugh.". I can't stand people like that. I say "Why? Tell me about it." and you find out about that person. I never heard anyone that liked Garbage Pail Kids. I never heard anyone that was even like "It's so stupid, I just gotta enjoy it.". No, it-it's just...it's the Holocaust of cinema. You know, it's just the ungodly, most awful, it's horribly written, it's horribly directed, it's horribly acted. I don't know if there was effort put into this. I-I feel bad for the people that were roped into this and had to make those costumes, those God awful costumes, the...I-it-it's violent, it's, you know, cruel, it makes fun of...these creatures, not kids, CREATURES, that are constantly trying to prove that you know things...it doesn't matter if you don't look that good or not, you're still people inside and everything, ARE CONSTANTLY MAKING FUN OF HOW EVERYBODY LOOKS! They're constantly being mean and horrible to everybody. Where am I supposed to like them? Where am I supposed to be like "Oh, yeah, they're human beings. They should be treated with respect. They're li...". Whe-wha-point to me that moment. Was it the pointless song sequence where again they don't move their mouths so we don't even know if they're really singing. You know, where, because they sing a song? (singing) We can do anything if we can work together (spoken) I think was the song and it j-(angry) all you ever do is talk about how selfish you are and how you just want stuff for your own personal needs just like this movie, that's why it was made! It was in no-no way trying to actually convey something, to add to humanity, to make this a better world, to inspire or create, or anything like that. It was just...ass, shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, just, just, fuck it. It FILLS me with such anger and I know I'm just rambling right now, but I know a lot of you guys really like that. It's just the idea that anyone, any kid, would have to have grown up with this. Hopefully, they just lived in a naïve state, didn't pay attention because to the film's credit, it's not very good at holding your attention. The only thing I can praise that any kid that did see it just went over their head, they didn't soak it up, they didn't really read into it or it wasn't like their favorite movie or anything 'cause there is nothing to like. Nothing. I-I can't think of one funny moment, I can't think of one charming moment, I can't think of one moment where I was like "Hey, that has given something to me.". The movie just constantly takes and takes and takes and takes and takes and takes and takes until there's nothing left of you. I...to say I despise this film, I just, no. The word does not exist about what I think of this film. It is (pushes air out through compressed lips) that bad. So I'm just going on and on right now. If you like it, please tell me why. I am beyond curious. I've actually been waiting at these cons to find that one person actually liked the Garbage Pail Kids movie. Just so I can ask why and, and more importantly how? How can you like it? Because I think the person that legitimately liked this film would bring me into a whole new realm of reality that I had never considered. That I had never seen. And I would be fascinated to visit that realm whether it be for the better or worse. I just...I just gotta know. I gotta know what could be found in this. That could give any benefit to our culture or to humanity. I-if you're one of those people, um, with-with caution, please let me know why you liked it 'cause I, uh...I want to see all aspects of humanity. You know, whether the good or bad or...this. Just...just let me know. Just-ju, and explain it well 'cause chances are I'm not gonna follow very, very closely 'cause I just won't understand. So, talk to me as a child about why you liked Garbage Pail Kids: the Movie 'cause I, uh...I just have to know. I just have to know. Bye.

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