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The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed
Released
December 26, 2012
Running time
52:13
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Opening

NC: Well, here's a list you've probably been waiting a long time for. It's the top 11 worst movies I've ever reviewed. I've looked through all the episodes again, I've gone through all the ones I've done and these are the ones that just make me cringe, the worst of the worst. Now, let me clarify what I mean by worst of the worst. It's not necessarily a film that's so bad, it's enjoyable, so actually, you're not gonna see The Room on here or some of those other ones. It's more films that just thinking about them makes me cringe. I just want to punch something thinking about these movies. They're just ones that like offend me, that just get me in my deepest core of anger. So, with that said, as I feel I always have to, you know, put a lot of focus on, is that if you like these movies, great. Doesn't mean you're an idiot, doesn't mean you're a horrible person or anything. Everybody likes things for different reasons. These are the ones that just kill me. These are up with like some of the worst movies I've ever seen pretty much. You could almost call this the top 11 worst films I've ever seen. There's probably one or two others but these are pretty damn close so without further ado these are the (text showing his next words appear on screen) top 11 Nostalgia Critic reviewed movies I hate the most.

Nostalgia Critic, dressed as Darth Vader from The OTHER Animated Titanic review screams "No!". This serves as the interlude to the countdown.

#11: Patch Adams

#10: The Haunting

#9: Moulin Rouge

#8: The Cell

#7: Baby Geniuses

(Interlude)

Doug (vo): Number seven...Baby Geniuses. How could the motherfucking director of A Christmas Story have made this ass?

#6: Inspector Gadget

#5: Biodome

#4: Felix the Cat

#3: Little Monsters

#2: Drop Dead Fred

#1: Garbage Pail Kids

(Interlude)

Doug(vo): And the number one worst movie I've ever reviewed is...Garbage Pail Kids.

(Doug holds his hand over his face is despair.)

Doug: When I was a child, wee boy, I really wanted to see this movie bad. I LOVED the cards. The cards I thought were so awesome. I was a boy, it was like my job to like gross stuff that was creative and crazy and making fun of girly toys which was even better. I pleaded, PLEADED with my mom to see this movie. I said "Please let me see Garbage Pail Kids. PLEASE let me see Garbage Pail Kids. I will DIE if I don't see Garbage Pail Kids.". She never let me see it. She was pretty strict about movies back then and even like a PG rating was just too much. That's back when PG ratings actually fucking meant something. And she said no. I had to plead...I think I held my breath to finally see Roger Rabbit and even she was like "No, it would be a crime not to show him Roger Rabbit even though it's a lot of stuff I disagree with.", but Garbage Pail Kids, no. She didn't go see it. She just saw it, saw the PG rating, saw how dumb the movie was and how it looked, said "No, you are not seeing this.". (sigh) I, by all the heavenly blessings, thank my mother for stopping me from seeing this movie. Because, I'm very convinced that this movie...would've taken away half my brain. I would have gotten STUPIDER watching this movie. 'Cause I'm not convinced I didn't when I saw it as an adult so imagine what it could do to me as a child, this little impressionable child that has the whole world, you know, waiting for him, both the good and the bad. But I didn't think this bad. I didn't think something this...ugly! That's the word I can use to describe this film: UGLY! It, every...the point of the film, I think, is supposed to be that no matter what you look like or how you act, I guess, that there is no such thing as ugly and everyone should be accepted for how they look. I think is what they're trying to get across possibly with other messages that can fuck me in the ass. This film is every definition of the word "ugly". It is...the point of it was to prove that, you know, there's no such thing as ugly. This convinced me there is ugly. There is horrendously, God awful ugly in the world as it's all compiled in this movie. This is not only the worst movie I've ever reviewed, this is just the worst movie I've ever seen. It's worse than Manos. I'll tell you why. First off, it's for kids. Fuck you that you think this kids' entertainment. I mean, it's like Drop Dead Fred at least had a PG-13. This is obviously trying to be a kid's film and just insulting everything that is good and decent and pure about growing up and trying to be inspired by something of a charismatic world and (gets angry as he speaks) it just wants to take that away and break it over it's knee and FUCK IT LIKE IT'S...(catches himself) So that's one thing. The second thing is that Manos at least has the distinction...of having no budget, of being made by nobody. You know, that it's just, whatever, I heard it was like a farmer that just like got some money together and made this piece of shit. This has a budget. This was based on a very successful product, the Garbage Pail Kids cards. It had to have some people that kinda knew what they were doing. I mean, they could frame a shot better than Manos. So...how could you, how could you get something this bad? How could you make something this horrendous for the youth of America? I don't care if it's trying to cash in. You know, stuff tries to cash in. Michael Bay, he-he's a fucking A-whore. You know, I mean, but at least, again, at least it's a PG-13. He knows that the demographic is dumb, 13-year-old boys who want to put their penis in anything they see. Here, this is for children. It's, it's...and I understand a little bit trying to feed into, you know, the adolescence. You know, kids like poo-poo jokes and they like pee-pee jokes and we loved the cards! The cards were hilarious and they were creative. Nothing in this film makes sense. Nothing is charming, nothing is fun to look at. The acting is all God awful. The bullies are like in their 30's. What are doing chasing this little kid who's probably not even in high school yet? He can call the cops. I mean, this isn't like "Hey, I'm gonna call your mom and dad on you.". I mean, they probably have jobs. The probably, you know, have social security numbers that you can look up, say "Here's where they live. Arrest them.". Very easy to track down. I'm sure they dress like, you know, Tarzan meets Greece. They wear the dumbest outfits that are like, you know...like I said before, Tarzan meets Greece. And, and, this...the woman that the boy falls in love with...you know, again, I don't know if they're supposed to be in high school or whatever. I mean, but it's like, yeah, in the same way, yeah the cast of 90210, they were in high school, sure. You know, even high schoolers wouldn't do something this stupid! Wouldn't go after this boy and take his lunch money. Get a fucking job or the, what was it, it was like...Even the plot was so stupid You got the Garbage Pail Kids are good at making clothes? What? How...When would these things, these abominations learn how to sew? Who picks that up? Especially looking at that, and they can all do it. What even are they? Are they aliens? We see a spaceship fly by but it's never referenced. We never if they're aliens or just ugly things of whatever...The (gets angry and waves and slaps his hands on his legs) STATE HOME FOR THE UGLY?! Are you fucked?! Who...(spins around in his chair waving his arms angrily) WHO DOES THAT?! Who makes a State Home for the Ugly and expects us to buy it?! Why is Gandhi in the State Home for the Ugly? Why is, why is Abraham Lincoln in the State Home for... Santa Claus? Really? That's like the most charming icon you can put in anything. They put Santa Claus in the State...Where...(points to his head, signaling his brain)Where was this? Where was this when any of this was being written? When any of this was being filmed. A-and, they're constantly trying to, like the guy, the main guy who I guess is supposed to be the whimsical bullshit, whatever he is. He's British, so he must be whimsical in a kid's film, that's their logic. You know, where was he when he says you know "It's not about how you look, it's about what's inside and what's bla-bla-bla" and then later, he's like "You think they bought it?". Well, fuck you! Why do you still have these kids? Why is he, why are they still in a pail? The-the-they go an-they're constantly threatening other people with like a knife, this one has a knife. Nice! That's a good lesson for kids. You know and whatever, they do the typical stuff like, they puke and stuff like that. This one kid pees his pants like eight times. 'Cause you know the first one was gold. We have to really keep showing that. 'Cause that'll just make us laugh even m-even more. And it's, it's mean. It's rotten. It's clearly not for kids. You know, even though they're advertising it as for kids. It's written for kids probably by kids. Fuck it, kids could write something better than this. And it's got the 80's bullshit going on with the 80's fashion that looks horrendous. It's all shot very dark, probably so you can't see the lame ass puppeteers going on. All the kids look like this.

(Doug imitates one of the faces, with his eyes wide open and his mouth hanging open.)

Doug: And their mouths never fully close. They just (with his mouth wide open) talk like this. 'Cause I can talk like this. (normal) Oral puppets!

(Doug slams his fist and then grunts in frustration.)

Doug: It literally makes me cringe thinking about it. It's just the most awful movie I can imagine. As you can see, I've seen some really bad movies. And like I said I think what projects it into that special level of awful, ahem, is, I mean, you probably noticed, I'm very protective of kids. I don't think we should just, like oh, throw any shit at kids. You know, I mean, I really want them to get the best that we can offer 'cause they're going to...That's one of the most...developed, that's when you can, you know, shape them into something good and strong and proud and you're-you're...You're gonna throw Garbage Pail Kids at 'em? Shame on you! I-I just get really insulted when you have something that's not only dumb. I mean, beyond dumb. But is so cruel. And so dark and so harsh. And for no purpose. For no greater good. Nothi-I've yet-I don a panel on a lot of these cons called "Movies Everyone Disagrees with You On" where I try to make the point that you know, what I always say, if you like a film and everyone else doesn't, you know, still like it.

(Scenes from the movie are shown.)

Doug(vo): You know, and talk about it. You can learn about the person. And I've heard some of the strangest movies that people like.

(Back to Doug.)

Doug: You know, and I never go "Oh! What's wrong with you? Oh, shame on you, ugh.". I can't stand people like that. I say "Why? Tell me about it." and you find out about that person. I never heard anyone that liked Garbage Pail Kids. I never heard anyone that was even like "It's so stupid, I just gotta enjoy it.". No, it-it's just...it's the Holocaust of cinema. You know, it's just the ungodly, most awful, it's horribly written, it's horribly directed, it's horribly acted. I don't know if there was effort put into this. I-I feel bad for the people that were roped into this and had to make those costumes, those God awful costumes, the...I-it-it's violent, it's, you know, cruel, it makes fun of...these creatures, not kids, CREATURES, that are constantly trying to prove that you know things...it doesn't matter if you don't look that good or not, you're still people inside and everything, ARE CONSTANTLY MAKING FUN OF HOW EVERYBODY LOOKS! They're constantly being mean and horrible to everybody. Where am I supposed to like them? Where am I supposed to be like "Oh, yeah, they're human beings. They should be treated with respect. They're li...". Whe-wha-point to me that moment. Was it the pointless song sequence where again they don't move their mouths so we don't even know if they're really singing. You know, where, because they sing a song? (singing) We can do anything if we can work together (spoken) I think was the song and it j-(angry) all you ever do is talk about how selfish you are and how you just want stuff for your own personal needs just like this movie, that's why it was made! It was in no-no way trying to actually convey something, to add to humanity, to make this a better world, to inspire or create, or anything like that. It was just...ass, shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, just, just, fuck it. It FILLS me with such anger and I know I'm just rambling right now, but I know a lot of you guys really like that. It's just the idea that anyone, any kid, would have to have grown up with this. Hopefully, they just lived in a naïve state, didn't pay attention because to the film's credit, it's not very good at holding your attention. The only thing I can praise that any kid that did see it just went over their head, they didn't soak it up, they didn't really read into it or it wasn't like their favorite movie or anything 'cause there is nothing to like. Nothing. I-I can't think of one funny moment, I can't think of one charming moment, I can't think of one moment where I was like "Hey, that has given something to me.". The movie just constantly takes and takes and takes and takes and takes and takes and takes until there's nothing left of you. I...to say I despise this film, I just, no. The word does not exist about what I think of this film. It is (pushes air out through compressed lips) that bad. So I'm just going on and on right now. If you like it, please tell me why. I am beyond curious. I've actually been waiting at these cons to find that one person actually liked the Garbage Pail Kids movie. Just so I can ask why and, and more importantly how? How can you like it? Because I think the person that legitimately liked this film would bring me into a whole new realm of reality that I had never considered. That I had never seen. And I would be fascinated to visit that realm whether it be for the better or worse. I just...I just gotta know. I gotta know what could be found in this. That could give any benefit to our culture or to humanity. I-if you're one of those people, um, with-with caution, please let me know why you liked it 'cause I, uh...I want to see all aspects of humanity. You know, whether the good or bad or...this. Just...just let me know. Just-ju, and explain it well 'cause chances are I'm not gonna follow very, very closely 'cause I just won't understand. So, talk to me as a child about why you liked Garbage Pail Kids: the Movie 'cause I, uh...I just have to know. I just have to know. Bye.

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