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The WORST Movies Nostalgia Critic's Reviewed

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(Doug holds his hand over his face in despair.)
 
(Doug holds his hand over his face in despair.)
   
Doug: When I was a child, wee boy, I really, wanted to see this movie bad. I LOVED the cards. The cards I thought were so awesome. I was a boy, it was like my job to like gross stuff, that was creative and crazy and making fun of girly toys which was even better. I pleaded, PLEADED with my mom to see this movie. I said "Please let me see ''Garbage Pail Kids,'' PLEASE let me see ''Garbage Pail Kids''. I will DIE if I don't see ''Garbage Pail Kids''.". She never let me see it. Uh, cause she, she was pretty strict about movies back then and even like a PG rating, was just too much. That's back when [[Does PG Mean Anything Anymore?|PG ratings, actually fucking meant something]]. And, she looked at it and said no, no, I had to plead, y'know, I think I held my breath to finally see ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Disneycember)|Roger Rabbit]]'' and even she was just like "No, it would be a crime not to show him ''[[What You Never Knew About Who Framed Roger Rabbit|Roger Rabbit]]'' even though it's a lot of stuff I disagree with.", but ''Garbage Pail Kids'', no. She didn't go see it, she just saw it, saw the PG rating, saw how dumb the movie was and how it looked, said "No, you are not seeing this". (sigh) I... by all, the heavenly blessings, thank, my mother... for stopping me, from seeing this movie. Because, I'm very convinced that this movie... would've taken away half my brain. I would have gotten STUPIDER watching this movie. 'Cause I'm not convinced I didn't when I saw it as an adult so imagine what it could do to me as a child, this little impressionable child that has the whole world, you know, waiting for him, both the good and the bad. But I didn't think this bad. I didn't think something this...ugly! That's the word I can use to describe this film: UGLY! It, every...the point of the film, I think, is supposed to be that no matter what you look like or how you act, I guess, that there is no such thing as ugly and everyone should be accepted for how they look. I think is what they're trying to get across possibly with other messages like a fuck in the ass. This film is every definition of the word "ugly". It is...the point of it was to prove that, you know, there's no such thing as ugly. This convinced me there is ugly. There is horrendously, God awful ugly in the world and it's all compiled in this movie. This is not only the worst movie I've ever reviewed, this is just the worst movie I've ever seen. It's worse than ''Manos''. I'll tell you why. First off, it's for kids. Fuck you that you think this kids' entertainment. I mean, it's like ''Drop Dead Fred'' at least had a PG-13. This is obviously trying to be a kid's film and just insulting everything that is good and decent and pure about growing up and trying to be inspired by something of a charismatic world and (gets angry as he speaks) it just wants to take that away and break it over it's knee and FUCK IT LIKE IT'S NO...(catches himself) So that's one thing. The second thing is that ''Manos'' at least has the distinction...of having no budget, of being made by nobody. You know, that it's just, whatever, I heard it was like a farmer that just like got some money together and made this piece of shit. This has a budget. This was based on a very successful product, the Garbage Pail Kids cards. It had to have some people that kinda knew what they were doing. I mean, they could frame a shot better than ''Manos''. So...how could you, how could you get something this bad? How could you make something this horrendous for the youth of America? I don't care if it's trying to cash in. You know, stuff tries to cash in. Michael Bay, he-he's a fucking money whore. You know, I mean, but at least, again, at least it's a PG-13. He knows that the demographic is; dumb, 13-year-old boys who want to put their penis in anything they see. Here, this is for children. It's, it's...and I understand a little bit trying to feed into, you know, the adolescence. You know, kids like poo-poo jokes and they like pee-pee jokes and we loved the cards! The cards were hilarious and they were creative. Nothing in this film makes sense. Nothing is charming, nothing is fun to look at. The acting is all God awful. The bullies are like in their 30's. What are they doing chasing this little kid who's probably not even in high school? He can call the cops. I mean, this isn't like "Hey, I'm gonna call your mom and dad on you.". I mean, they probably have jobs. They probably, you know, have social security numbers that you can look up, say "Here's where they live. Arrest them.". Very easy to track down. I'm sure they dress like, you know, [[Tarzan]] meets [[Grease]]. They wear the dumbest outfits that are like, you know...like I said before, Tarzan meets Grease. And, and, this...the woman that the boy falls in love with...you know, again, I don't know if they're supposed to be in high school or whatever. I mean, but it's like, yeah, in the same way, yeah the cast of ''90210'', they were in high school, sure. You know, even high schoolers wouldn't do something this stupid! Wouldn't go after this boy and take his lunch money. Get a fucking job or the, what was it, it was like...Even the plot was so stupid! You got the Garbage Pail Kids are good at making clothes?! What?! How...When would these things, these abominations learn how to sew? Who picks that up? Especially looking at that, and they can all do it. What even are they? Are they aliens? We see a spaceship fly by but it's never referenced. We never know if they're aliens or just ugly things or whatever...The (gets angry and slaps his hands on his legs) STATE HOME FOR THE UGLY?! Are you fucked?! Who...(spins around in his chair waving his arms angrily) '''WHO DOES THAT?!''' Who makes a State Home for the Ugly and expects us to buy it?! Why is Gandhi in the State Home for the Ugly? Why is, why is Abraham Lincoln in the State Home for... Santa Claus? Really? That's like the most charming icon you can put in anything. They put Santa Claus in the State...Where...(points to his head, signaling his brain) Where was this? Where was this when any of this was being written? When any of this was being filmed. A-and, they're constantly trying to, like the guy, the main guy who I guess is supposed to be like the whimsical bullshit, whatever he is. He's British, so he must be whimsical in a kid's film, that's their logic. You know, where was he when he says you know "It's not about how you look, it's about what's inside and what's bla-bla-bla" and then later, he's like "You think they bought it?". Well, fuck you! Why do you still have these kids? Why is he, why are they still in a pail? The-the-they go an-they're constantly threatening other people with like a knife, this one has a knife. Nice! That's a good lesson for kids. You know and whatever, they do the typical stuff like, they puke and stuff like that. This one kid pees his pants like eight times. 'Cause you know the first one was gold. We have to really keep showing that. 'Cause that'll just make us laugh even m-even more. And it's, it's mean. It's rotten. It's clearly not for kids. You know, even though they're advertising it as for kids. It's written for kids probably BY kids! Fuck it, kids could write something better than this! (lets out a frustrated exhale) And it's got the 80's bullshit going on with the 80's fashion that looks horrendous. It's all shot very dark, probably so you can't see the lame ass puppeteers going on. All the kids look like this.
+
Doug: When I was a child, wee boy, I really, wanted to see this movie bad. I LOVED the cards. The cards I thought were so awesome. I was a boy, it was like my job to like gross stuff, that was creative and crazy and making fun of girly toys which was even better. I pleaded, PLEADED with my mom to see this movie. I said "Please let me see ''Garbage Pail Kids,'' PLEASE let me see ''Garbage Pail Kids''. I will DIE if I don't see ''Garbage Pail Kids''.". She never let me see it. Uh, cause she, she was pretty strict about movies back then and even like a PG rating, was just too much. That's back when [[Does PG Mean Anything Anymore?|PG ratings, actually fucking meant something]]. And, she looked at it and said no, no, I had to plead, y'know, I think I held my breath to finally see ''[[Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Disneycember)|Roger Rabbit]]'' and even she was just like "No, it would be a crime not to show him ''[[What You Never Knew About Who Framed Roger Rabbit|Roger Rabbit]]'' even though it's a lot of stuff I disagree with.", but ''Garbage Pail Kids'', no. She didn't go see it, she just saw it, saw the PG rating, saw how dumb the movie was and how it looked, said "No, you are not seeing this". (sigh) I... by all, the heavenly blessings, thank, my mother... for stopping me, from seeing this movie. Because, I'm very convinced that this movie... would've taken away half my brain. I would have gotten STUPIDER watching this movie. 'Cause I'm not convinced I didn't when I saw it as an adult so imagine what it could do to me as a child, this little impressionable child that has the whole world, you know, waiting for him, both the good and the bad. But I didn't think this bad. I didn't think something this...ugly! That's the word I can use to describe this film: UGLY! It, every...the point of the film, I think, is supposed to be that no matter what you look like or how you act, I guess, that there is no such thing as ugly and everyone should be accepted for how they look. I think is what they're trying to get across possibly with other messages that can fuck me in the ass. This film is every definition of the word "ugly". It is...the point of it was to prove that, you know, there's no such thing as ugly. This convinced me there is ugly. There is horrendously, God awful ugly in the world and it's all compiled in this movie. This is not only the worst movie I've ever reviewed, this is just the worst movie I've ever seen. It's worse than ''Manos''. I'll tell you why. First off, it's for kids. Fuck you that you think this kids' entertainment. I mean, it's like ''Drop Dead Fred'' at least had a PG-13. This is obviously trying to be a kid's film and just insulting everything that is good and decent and pure about growing up and trying to be inspired by something of a charismatic world and (gets angry as he speaks) it just wants to take that away and break it over it's knee and FUCK IT LIKE IT'S NO...(catches himself) So that's one thing. The second thing is that ''Manos'' at least has the distinction...of having no budget, of being made by nobody. You know, that it's just, whatever, I heard it was like a farmer that just like got some money together and made this piece of shit. This has a budget. This was based on a very successful product, the Garbage Pail Kids cards. It had to have some people that kinda knew what they were doing. I mean, they could frame a shot better than ''Manos''. So...how could you, how could you get something this bad? How could you make something this horrendous for the youth of America? I don't care if it's trying to cash in. You know, stuff tries to cash in. Michael Bay, he-he's a fucking money whore. You know, I mean, but at least, again, at least it's a PG-13. He knows that the demographic is; dumb, 13-year-old boys who want to put their penis in anything they see. Here, this is for children. It's, it's...and I understand a little bit trying to feed into, you know, the adolescence. You know, kids like poo-poo jokes and they like pee-pee jokes and we loved the cards! The cards were hilarious and they were creative. Nothing in this film makes sense. Nothing is charming, nothing is fun to look at. The acting is all God awful. The bullies are like in their 30's. What are they doing chasing this little kid who's probably not even in high school? He can call the cops. I mean, this isn't like "Hey, I'm gonna call your mom and dad on you.". I mean, they probably have jobs. They probably, you know, have social security numbers that you can look up, say "Here's where they live. Arrest them.". Very easy to track down. I'm sure they dress like, you know, [[Tarzan]] meets [[Grease]]. They wear the dumbest outfits that are like, you know...like I said before, Tarzan meets Grease. And, and, this...the woman that the boy falls in love with...you know, again, I don't know if they're supposed to be in high school or whatever. I mean, but it's like, yeah, in the same way, yeah the cast of ''90210'', they were in high school, sure. You know, even high schoolers wouldn't do something this stupid! Wouldn't go after this boy and take his lunch money. Get a fucking job or the, what was it, it was like...Even the plot was so stupid! You got the Garbage Pail Kids are good at making clothes?! What?! How...When would these things, these abominations learn how to sew? Who picks that up? Especially looking at that, and they can all do it. What even are they? Are they aliens? We see a spaceship fly by but it's never referenced. We never know if they're aliens or just ugly things or whatever...The (gets angry and slaps his hands on his legs) STATE HOME FOR THE UGLY?! Are you fucked?! Who...(spins around in his chair waving his arms angrily) '''WHO DOES THAT?!''' Who makes a State Home for the Ugly and expects us to buy it?! Why is Gandhi in the State Home for the Ugly? Why is, why is Abraham Lincoln in the State Home for... Santa Claus? Really? That's like the most charming icon you can put in anything. They put Santa Claus in the State...Where...(points to his head, signaling his brain) Where was this? Where was this when any of this was being written? When any of this was being filmed. A-and, they're constantly trying to, like the guy, the main guy who I guess is supposed to be like the whimsical bullshit, whatever he is. He's British, so he must be whimsical in a kid's film, that's their logic. You know, where was he when he says you know "It's not about how you look, it's about what's inside and what's bla-bla-bla" and then later, he's like "You think they bought it?". Well, fuck you! Why do you still have these kids? Why is he, why are they still in a pail? The-the-they go an-they're constantly threatening other people with like a knife, this one has a knife. Nice! That's a good lesson for kids. You know and whatever, they do the typical stuff like, they puke and stuff like that. This one kid pees his pants like eight times. 'Cause you know the first one was gold. We have to really keep showing that. 'Cause that'll just make us laugh even m-even more. And it's, it's mean. It's rotten. It's clearly not for kids. You know, even though they're advertising it as for kids. It's written for kids probably BY kids! Fuck it, kids could write something better than this! (lets out a frustrated exhale) And it's got the 80's bullshit going on with the 80's fashion that looks horrendous. It's all shot very dark, probably so you can't see the lame ass puppeteers going on. All the kids look like this.
   
 
(Doug imitates one of the faces, with his eyes wide open and his mouth hanging open.)
 
(Doug imitates one of the faces, with his eyes wide open and his mouth hanging open.)
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