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The WEIRDEST Jack and the Beanstalk
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Released
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April 25, 2017
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Duration
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15:22
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Link
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(The shortened opening)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. When you're a kid, a lot of strange stuff seems normal.
(Cut to a shot of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)
NC (vo): Ninja Turtles was average...
(Cut to a shot of the tea-party-on-the-ceiling scene from Mary Poppins)
NC (vo): ...tea parties on the ceiling was mundane, and being forced to dance in a banana suit dripping goat's blood was just Tuesday.
NC: Oh! (looks around shiftily) Only my parents had me do that? I... should've asked more questions. Regardless, a lot of those things, when you get older, seem... charming. (eyes shift around again) Some of them.
(Cut to a shot of The Secret of NIMH)
NC (vo): Some you put in the "whimsical enchantment" category...
(Cut to a shot of Garbage Pail Kids)
NC (vo): ...others you put in the "what the hell was I thinking watching this" category...
(Cut to a clip of the anime film version of "Jack and the Beanstalk")
NC (vo): ...and then there's those... you don't know where to put.
NC: Japan's 1974 English dub of Jack and the Beanstalk* falls into that category of "not knowing the category".
- NOTE: 1974 was the original release year of this film in Japan; the English dub did not appear until 1976.
(Cut to a shot of the poster for this movie)
NC (vo): Like a fair amount of kids, I grew up with this bizarre adventure on VHS. It was available at a lot of rental stores at the time.
(Cut to footage of this film)
NC (vo): We watched it, it kept us quiet, and then we'd go about our everyday lives. But what we didn't know was that "what the Christ-ness" was leaving an impact on our memories that years later we'd say, "Was that really as freakin' insane as I remember it?"
NC: I'm hear to report, it freakin' is.
NC (vo): It starts off similar enough: Jack is doing his chores, skipping through the woods, usual fairy tale benign-ness. We find out his dog used to be part of the Grand Army... I think. He has a symbol on his collar that's similar to an army he fantasizes about in the clouds... so there's that.
NC: Trust me, that's the least of the questions you will be asking while watching this.
NC (vo): And par for the course, Jack is asked to sell the cow and comes across a mysterious man playing a... what I can only describe as a '70s machine...
(The man, wearing a cloak, is playing a tune on a weird musical keyboard, whose notes sound very... odd – that's '70s anime for you!)
NC: Either that, or the sound Pac-Man makes when he's jerking one off.
NC (vo): So Jack laughs... (Jack laughs in amusement at the song the man plays) And then the man laughs... (the man does so) And then he laughs again... (the man laughs some more, before taking off his hood, revealing his face, one of whose eyes has an eye patch over it) And then he– (the man laughs again, this time in a psychotic cackle)
NC: (holding up and touching his cell phone) Thus Chris Hansen's number was put on speed dial!
NC (vo): He of course sells him the magic beans after doing a squat dance...
(While the man does this squat dance, and laughing softly, the cow moos in confusion)
NC: (also confused) You said it, cow...
NC (vo): ...which of course leads to, big shock...
(Having traded Jack the cow for the beans, the man cackles again)
NC: He seems nice.
NC (vo): This pisses off the mother, who punishes Jack in a common, yet... still uncomfortably focused, manner.
(The mother takes a broom while Jack gets down on his hands and knees; she then proceeds to spank him on his rear with the broom; he grimaces and grunts with each hit)
Mother: (yelling as she spanks him) You foolish dunce! You blockhead! I'll teach ya! Thanks to you, we're penniless! How will we eat?! (the dog leaves the room, jumping in the air with each hit) How will we live?! Are we to become beggars?! What will become of us?! (looks up, somewhat exhausted) I've worked up an appetite.
NC: (rubbing stomach, imitating mother) Child abuse just rumbles my tummy!
Jack: (gulps) Me, too.
NC: (imitating Jack) That's just confusing.
NC (vo): She of course tosses them out the window, resulting in the beanstalk growing, in one of many weird-ass songs.
(As the beanstalk grows into the sky, the song in question is heard)
Offscreen voice #1: (singing) We're simply going to heaven / You're silly if you think it wrong...
Offscreen voice #2: (singing) But always there must be a time when dreams come true...
Offscreen voice #1: If you believe...
NC: (looking pretty nervous) Is the beanstalk singing? In duet?
NC (vo): Jack wakes up, seeing the incredible creation, and of course climbs up the beanstalk– or a mouse princess climbs down it.
NC: ...As the story goes.
NC (vo): She explains what happened to her in great detail, but there's one problem: it's told entirely in squeaks.
(Addressing Jack's dog, the mouse pantomimes her plight with motions and squeaks)
NC: I haven't been this happy to not have subtitles since the Star Wars Holiday Special.
(Cut to a clip of said special: a Wookie roaring)
NC: (pointing at screen; sternly) We agreed never to play that again!
(Cut back to Jack and the Beanstalk)
NC (vo): Finally, Jack does climb the beanstalk and comes across a pretty, yet somehow disturbing, image.
(Upon reaching the top of the beanstalk, the image in question that Jack sees is of a pretty girl who stares at him with a glazed expression; her eyelids are slightly lowered; weird noises are heard in the background; a cloud floats over to her, but she pushes it away, all while still gazing at Jack)
NC: She has a face that says, "I just joined a cult, and it's going great." (gives a thumbs-up while smiling)
NC (vo): This is Princess Margaret. She literally floats on a cloud, saying... well, random things...
Margaret: My parents were destroyed by an evil witch. I don't think about it; it's been a long time. I'm happy now. (all the while, Jack, also sitting on a cloud, stares in shock and awe)
NC: Jack, you have the worst stranger danger!
Margaret: Tomorrow, I marry my wonderful prince, Tulip. (as her cloud floats through the air, she starts singing – but without her mouth moving, strangely enough) No one's happier than I... I feeling like reaching up to touch the sky...
NC: (puzzled) So is she a ventriloquist, or is this just the song she's hearing in her mind right now?