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The Twilight Saga
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Release Date
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February 1, 2023
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Running Time
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27:40
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Previous Review
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Video
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(After the intro, we cut to the Critic sitting in his chair.)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to. Hard to believe it's been ten years since the last Twilight movie came out...
(The IMDB page for Twilight: Breaking Dawn-Part 2 is shown)
NC (vo): Since the last Twilight movie came out?!
NC: Damn, these films are old!
NC (vo): 2008, man. That's fifteen years since millions of teenage boys were dragged by millions of teenage girls to see a film series that had them scratching their heads saying, "Really? This is what's gonna get me laid? Girls are stupid."
(Clips from Michael Bay's Transformers are shown)
NC (vo): "Now let me go watch my equally non-pandering fadchise." Did I just say fadchise? Did I just make up a good word?
(Cuts back to clips from the Twilight films)
NC (vo): Anyway, yeah, boys and girls really liked a lot of shit in the past, that's nothing new. But the Twilight franchise was distinctly off.
NC: And what I mean by that is it seemed to encapsulate every kind of bad there was.
NC (vo): Some are so bad, they're good, others are just boring. Some try fourth wall humor, others tried to play it straight. Some are just harmless fluff, others are some of the most harmful things you can show a young person involving romance. Ah yes, this clearly falls into the category of romantic fantasy not to be taken too seriously, yet the generation that grew up with it turned out...
(stills from videos of people doing random things are shown)
NC (vo):...(clears throat) fine. So I wanted to see if these movies were as awful as I, and everyone who memed them, remember.
NC: After all, over time, the lead actors...
(stills from The Batman, Spencer and the TV show Cuckoo are shown)
NC (vo): ...have proven themselves to be quite talented. Could it be there was something, even the tiniest thing about it that was legitimately intelligent?
(Cuts to a clip from Glass Onion)
Benoit Blanc: No! It's just dumb!
NC: Well, let's not waste any time, cause Christ, we have a lot of movies for that. Let's start with the original Twilight.
Twilight[]
(The title card for this movie is shown, before footage of the movie is shown)
NC (vo): Based on the 2005 young adult novel, I'll admit I had no idea what to expect from this film. All I knew about the book was that distinct cover and that it was everywhere. I didn't even know it was about vampires or werewolves or whatever, I was pretty much going into it blind. But the book was a big hit...
(Posters for The Lords of Dogtown, Thirteen and The Nativity Story are shown)
NC (vo): ...and the director seemed to have a decent enough track record. So I walked in with pretty much no expectations.
NC: To put it simply, I was delightfully amazed at how terrible it was.
NC (vo): However, there is a little bit of an asterisk with that. I'll explain in a minute. The setup? Bella Swan, played by Kristen Stewart, moves to a new school in Seattle where she falls in love with a boy named Edward Cullen, played by Robert Pattinson. It's love at first...whiff? Oh yeah, these actors can smell how bad this is gonna be. (deadpan) Look, he has wings, it's symbolic. This movie's going places I didn't think it would dare! Edward reveals himself to be a vampire-Yeah, I was shocked by that, too-and despite trying to keep his distance, he has a strong need to instantly protect Bella.
Edward Cullen: I feel...very...protective of you.
NC (vo): Yep, they barely have a conversation, yet he sees himself as the Mario to her Peach. You're really gonna regret that after five movies, but we'll get to that, too. Bella reacts to this the same way she reacts to everything: with no reaction. And she discovers that not only is Edward 108 years young, but he and his vampire family feast on animals rather than humans, and rather than die in the sunlight, they sparkle like a giant lip gloss.
Bella: It's like diamonds. You're beautiful.
NC: Are we sure Stephanie Meyer wasn't an AI specifically writing for teen girls?
Edward: This is the skin of a killer, Bella.
(Cuts to the NC review of Thomas and the Magic Railroad is shown)
Past NC: Sparkle, sparkle-!
NC (vo): You're not worthy of that meme. When a bunch of bad vampires get a literal scent of this, the war is on to stop the romance, resulting in all of the baddies getting killed off except for one, who vows revenge.
Edward: I wanted to kill you. I've never wanted a human's blood so much in my life.
Bella: I trust you.
(Cuts to a clip from the first Toy Story movie)
Woody: WHAT?!
NC (vo): So this is a very easy film to rip apart, and when I first saw it, I told all my friends, "You have to see how bad it is." The terrible writing, the stilted acting, the laughably bad wire work...this scene.
(The scene where Edward flies through the forest with Bella is shown with Speedy Gonzales' famous cry being heard in the background)
NC: It's a laugh riot...if you don't know all this going in.
NC (vo): See, by the time my friends got around to watching it, they already heard about the sparkling skin, the fanfiction premise, the emotionless performances. Because of that, they found it really boring.
NC: And...yeah, it really is.
NC (vo): If you go into this completely blind, it's a definite "so bad, it's good" movie. But if you already know the memes and what happens in it, the film is obviously very dull to look at and listen to. The only thing that's kind of entertaining is how they make the mother of all dysfunctional couples try to sound romantic.
Bella: How did you get in here?
Edward: The window. I like watching you sleep.
(Cuts to a clip from The Room)
Danny: I just like to watch you guys. / I love you and Johnny.
NC: Ehhh...yeah, sure...
(A caption saying Still a better love story than Twilight is shown)
NC (vo):...throw that on there. So yes, there is a lot that's bad about this movie, but it's not an insane kind of bad if you know what you're getting going in.
The Twilight Saga: New Moon[]
NC: That's where New Moon comes in.
(The title card for this movie is shown, before footage from the movie is shown)
NC (vo): Set at least one year later--and man, does it show--New Moon officially creates the love triangle that horny girls convince themselves they could be in the middle of, Team Edward vs Team Jacob, played by Taylor Laut-(chuckles) oh my God, I forgot that's the hair he originally had. Yeah, looks great on you, man, looks...looks really great. He chops it, right?
(Cuts to a different clip with Jacob's hair cut shorter. It then cuts to scenes of Jacob without his shirt on.)
NC (vo): Okay, phew! Though you seem to be missing something else. Was your long hair glued to all your shirts? No, really, I'm not kidding. Jacob being shirtless in this is like the ice puns in Batman & Robin. You think, "Nah, it can't be the majority of the movie.", but it sure as hell is. And just like that Batman, get used to those nipples, they're gonna be looking at you for a while. Nudist colonies cover up more than Jacob.
(Footage focusing on Edward and Bella's relationship is shown)
NC (vo): So okay, Bella and Edward are living blandly ever after until the unthinkable happens: Bella gets a cut, causing the vampires to go crazy.
NC: (confused) Wait, that's not unthinkable, that's incredibly thinkable.
NC (vo): Like from day one, you should have been concerned about this. You know you're vampires, right? Anyway, this is enough for Edward to break up with Bella and move away. Yeah, most of the movie, these two aren't even together.
Edward: You just don't belong in my world, Bella.
Bella: I belong with you.
Edward: No, you don't.
NC: I know Stewart got a lot of flack for her acting in this and rightfully so, but honestly, Pattinson is just as bad.
NC (vo): And yeah, I know they were young, they hit something that caught on and they rode it out to do good movies eventually, but I'm not gonna pretend that because he was in The Lighthouse, this magically becomes good. He's supposed to break up with her and I guess pretend like he doesn't love her, but he has to act bad enough so the girls in the audience can catch on that he doesn't mean it, which just makes the acting worse.
Edward: I don't want you to come. You're just not...good for me. But if it's not too much to ask...
NC: NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! YOU LITERALLY JUST BROKE UP WITH HER! DO ANY OF THESE PEOPLE PEOPLE?!
Edward: Don't do anything reckless. This is the last time you'll ever see me.
NC (vo): What tone is he even going for here? It's like he's trying to be good at being bad, which just turned out bad so he's like, "Screw it, I don't even care how I'm saying this line."
Edward: Goodbye.
NC (vo; as Edward) Just say cut already! (normal) The reason he doesn't want her to do anything reckless is, get this, whenever her life is in danger, his spirit appears. So you guessed it, she repeatedly crashes vehicles and jumps off cliffs just to get Edward's attention. So you know, kids, if things don't work out with your high school sweetheart like most young love goes, it's not that he was your perfect mate, it's that yes, he is. He just needs convincing. He said no? Well, just Wily E. Coyote yourself back into his heart! What's the worst that could happen, you die? So Edward thinks she's dead and is about to expose himself to sunlight in front of a crowd. Oh no, he'll explode! Oh wait, he'll just sparkle, that's right. But people will know vampires are real!
NC: (beat) Good.
NC (vo): Don't really see why this is a secret. I mean, you eat animals like other people eat animals and hell, medical technology has come a long way and maybe can help. You know, maybe staying in the shadows was wrong, come on out and let the world see who you really are-noooooo! Bella saves Edward from exposing himself...
NC: We've had enough...
NC (vo): ...of him being exposed already--and the leader of the Vampire High Council, played by Michael Sheen bullshitting his way to the easiest paycheck he ever got, says they can be together. Well, there's only one way to follow up this rickety love roller coaster of endless misery.
Edward: Marry me, Bella.
Woody: WHAT?!
NC (vo): You assholes were barely together in this movie! She spent more time with Jacob, who I'll admit outside the father is the only character I legit feel sympathy for. The whole film, he's trying to be kind and help Bella out and all she does is act like she wants him and then acts like she doesn't. Sure, he's way too confident in his body image, but he was there for her! For whatever baffling reason, he wanted to help her, despite being...
(Posters for the TV shows Bonkers, Cuckoo and Bananas in Pyjamas are shown)
NC (vo):...bonkers, cuckoo and bananas. But the insane choices these people make are way too nutty not to find funny. It's not laugh out loud hilarious, but it's so hypnotically awful, it can be quite entertaining.
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse[]
NC: Unlike its 2010 follow up, Eclipse.
(The title card for that movie is shown, before showing footage from the movie)
NC (vo): Eclipse in some respects is the worst kind of Twilight movie, a self-aware one.
NC: And to make it even worse, it's not that bad at it.
NC (vo): You see, the director of this ended up acquiring a pretty interesting resume and this is the first film where you got the feeling everyone involved knew they were making crap.
(Cut to an interview with Robert Pattinson about Twilight.)
Robert Pattinson: When I read it, wasn't, it was, like, it was a book that wasn't supposed to be published.
(An interview with Kristen Stewart is shown)
Kristen Stewart (vo): I've probably made five really good films.
Robert Pattinson: What am I doing with this kid? (chuckles) I'm like 108 years old!
Kristen Stewart: They kind of ignore their duties (snaps fingers) instantly, they just kind of-they just want to bone. It's the most ridiculous thing. (The audience laughs)
Jimmy Fallon: There's millions of Twilight fans out there. Just...they don't want it to be over. It's a little bittersweet, isn't it?
Robert Pattinson: (scoffs) For them! (laughs)
NC (vo): Now they stuck it out, they gave audiences what they were looking for, but there is a cynicism that at first is kind of welcomed, like Edward asking if Jacob ever wears a shirt.
Edward: Doesn't he own a shirt?
NC (vo): Or Jacob warming up Bella because Edward has no body heat, saying...
Jacob: Let's face it, I am hotter than you.
NC: There's even a graduation speech pretty much...
NC (vo):...saying, "High schoolers are dumb and get into a lot of stupid things, so go easy on them."
Jessica Stanley: This is the time to make mistakes, fall in love, change your mind and change it again.
NC: Nothing great, but in terms of Twilight writing, this is Rick and Morty self-awareness.
NC (vo): It's the most confidently done and therefore the least interesting.
NC: But it's still pretty damn bad.
NC (vo): The film opens with Bella denying Edward's proposal. (sarcastically) Oh sorry, was he moving too fast for you, Ms. Jump Off a Cliff If He Doesn't Look at Me?! And he keeps asking over and over like a five-year-old who has a crush on his babysitter.
Edward: Marry me. Marry me.
Bella: I can't.
Edward: Marry me-
Simon Pegg: Get fuc-!
NC (vo): Oh no, Jacob called dibs and he wants her.
(A clip of Jacob and Edward arguing is shown with cat sounds and dog growls in the background)
NC (vo): And things get worse when that evil vampire from the first film (Victoria) wants revenge.
NC: Oh yeah, wasn't that, like, a big thing...
NC (vo):...at the end of the first film? Like, oh, she's gonna get them, just you wait and then they forgot about her in movie 2? Well, she's back in movie 3--yeah, if you called her the League of Shadows, they'll suddenly be brilliant--and they have an amazing plan to throw her off their trail: have Jacob carry Bella shirtless, of course so her scent will be disguised by his scent.
Bella: Your scent will mask mine if you carry me.
Jacob: One helpful wolf, coming up.
NC (vo): Yeah, we were gonna have you two bone like well...
(the poster for This Isn't The Twilight Saga: Eclipse: The XXX Parody is shown)
NC (vo):...a Twilight porno parody, but what do you think this is, a Twilight porno parody?
Bill Murray: Is this a trick question?
NC (vo): No, no, that'll be the next one. They end up defeating the evil vampire after Bella cockteases Jacob some more.
Bella: Kiss me! I-I'm asking you...to kiss me.
NC: (text reading Team Edward and Team Jacob is superimposed to the left and right, with a flag reading Team Sanity below NC) You know, screw these two camps, I'm setting up a Team Sanity tent!
NC (vo): But ultimately, she goes with Edward and agrees to marry him. Don't cry, Jacob, you're kind of escaping a cult. I don't know, every one of these movies act so batshit crazy, the further you get away from them, the healthier you're probably gonna be. But unfortunately...(sighs) we can't get away as we have to partake in...
NC: (sighs) The absolute worst of the bunch. Oh, you better take a break, I have to prepare for this.
(It fades to commercial as he's saying this. When we return...)
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1[]
(...we are shown the title card for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 1, followed by footage of the movie.)
NC (vo): So in 2011, Breaking Dawn-Part 1 was released. It was two parts because...
(The poster for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1 is shown)
NC (vo):...Harry Potter did it, you know...
(Posters for the other Harry Potter movies are shown, along with the poster for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 2, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey and IT: Chapter Two.)
NC (vo):...not having enough movies, and then everyone was like, "Oh, I didn't know we could money this way! Two parts it is!"
NC: Anyway, Breaking Dawn-Part 1 is easily the worst one.
NC (vo): It has its dumb, laughably idiotic moments like the others, but it's also crazy unpleasant. Like, who the hell would go back and watch this a second time? I remember looking forward to watching this and laughing my ass off like the other movies, but this was one of the most unenjoyable experiences I ever had watching a film.
NC: What the hell director put this together-? (the poster for the 2017 live-action remake of Beauty and the Beast is shown) That totally tracks.
NC (vo): So it opens with Edward and Bella getting married and her dream of becoming a vampire...kinda is about to happen.
(Clips from Eclipse are shown)
NC (vo): Yeah, I forgot to mention she really wants to be bitten by Edward and live forever, so you know, all you teens afraid of death, you should be. Live forever, throw yourself off a cliff, either works, these movies are garbage. Anyway, Edward takes her to see the boy who tried to steal her away because you know, it's a sign of real love.
Bella: Everything's perfect now.
NC (vo): They dance in the most awkward of silences...
(Bella and Jacob are seen slow dancing with no music playing in the background)
NC: My heart's as warm as Dippin' Dots.
NC (vo): And then he starts yelling at her and manhandling her because she says she's gonna bonk Edward while she's still human.
Bella: It's really none of your business.
Jacob: You are joking. You can't be serious, Bella! Tell me you're not that stupid.
NC (vo): You see what I mean? It's instantly miserable.
(Clips focusing on Edward and Bella making love and destroying the bed are shown)
NC (vo): Now it does bounce back with some of that fun Twilight craziness as when Bella and Edward finally do the deed, it results in this.
NC: That's the kind of stupidly fun stupid I'm looking for.
NC (vo): It gets uncomfortable again, though when she's covered in bruises, Edward's ashamed and Bella's like, "Nah, I love it!"
Bella: Don't ruin this!
Edward: I've already ruined it.
Bella: I mean, it was amazing for me.
NC (vo): Which okay, I guess it's consensual and everything, but does anyone else feel odd an audience of teens are watching a boy leave bruises on a girl during a lovemaking scene and the film's like, "This is fine"?
Bella: Why can't you see how perfectly happy I am?
NC (vo): I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking it. But things get complicated when she discovers a little Vlad is cooking in the oven.
Bella: (on the phone) I know that it's impossible, but...I think that I'm pregnant.
NC (vo): At first, I didn't know what they were talking about when they were saying this is impossible as yeah, vampires can't produce babies, but they can't sparkle and should be able to turn to bats and sleep in coffins and hypnotize people. I really thought they were just vampires in name only! How was I supposed to know you're suddenly sticking to the script?! Regardless, everyone acts like a little demon is growing inside her, and again, there's just this relentless nastiness to the movie.
Edward: Carlisle will get that thing out.
Bella: That thing?
Jacob: What is it? Take it out of her!
Alice: The fetus isn't good for Bella.
Jacob: I can see what that thing's doing to you.
Bella: I can feel him. (Jacob scoffs at this)
NC (vo): I don't know what it's trying to do or say, but it's the equivalent of Captain Planet talking about AIDS, you're clearly not talented enough to talk about it!
(Clips focusing on the birth of Bella's baby are shown)
NC (vo): So yeah, the baby is sucking the life out of her, the rest of the movie is pretty much just watching her die while she gives birth...
Bella: GET IT OUT NOW! (Bella screams as they try to cut the baby out)
NC: (sarcastically) How romantic.
NC (vo): And even when she does finally pop the kid out, Jacob goes to kill this thing, like, what is happening?! And then...
NC: I honestly don't know how to explain this!
NC (vo): He sees the baby and instantly falls in love.
(Cuts to clip from Saturday Night Live - S23E20: "Celebrity Jeopardy!")
Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell): That is awful!
NC (vo): I shit you not, they call it imprinting and Jacob is destined one day to be this kid's...special fuzzy friend.
(Cuts to a clip from My Big Fat Greek Wedding)
Toula Portokalos: Ew. Please let that be the end of your speech.
NC (vo): Honestly, I had such a hard time following it and hated everything else so much, I couldn't even register what the hell it was saying. The only thing I remember about this ending is that it did lead to one cool shot after Edward bites her and turns her into a vampire.
(Cuts to a close-up of Bella's now red eyes and cuts to black)
NC: That is a cool final note...in a multitude of terrible!
NC (vo): Seeing this again just brought back all the uncomfortable feelings I had watching it the first time. There is just nothing enjoyable about it. The final installment better get back to the bullshit I'm used to-
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 2[]
(the title card for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn-Part 2 is shown)
NC: Now this is the trash I signed up for.
(Footage from the movie is shown)
NC (vo): In 2012, the final installment Breaking Dawn 2 was released. Like the others, it's quite bad, but it is hands down the most entertainingly bad. I couldn't believe this was the same director as the previous one. I mean, apart from it being dogshit, but it's some of the wackiest canine feces this film could throw at you. After Bella becomes a vampire, she visits her baby daughter...
(Bella's daughter, Renesmee is shown, which clearly looks CGI)
NC (vo):...if that's what you can call this. When did this become a Baby Geniuses movie?! Oh, if you're wondering why they went CG with this and didn't just get a real baby, it was actually to cover up a worst effect.
NC: I shit you not, this was the original baby they had!
(a deleted scene of the original version of Renesmee is shown, looking way more terrifying. It cuts back to NC laughing with his hands over his face)
NC: I'm instantly in love with this movie! Can-can I imprint on this film?! I'm instantly in love with this movie!
NC (vo): Speaking of which, Jacob tells Bella he imprinted on her, or is she imprinted on him?
Bella: You imprinted on my daughter?!
Jacob: It wasn't my choice.
NC: I'm still not following this, but I'm pretty sure saying that doesn't make things better.
NC (vo): And for whatever reason, he calls her Nessie.
Jacob: It was Nessie who wanted me there.
Bella: You nicknamed my daughter after the Lochness monster?!
NC: What the hell am I watching?!
NC (vo): Despite her real name being...
Bella: Renesmee.
NC: Er, go back to calling her the Lochness monster.
NC (vo): Nessie starts growing at a rapid pace. Hey, Jacob, you'll be able to get that in about a year's time! Yeah, okay, this is very creepy. But the Vampire Council hears about the child and decides she must be killed. The whole film is basically building up this big battle, and at long last, using some of the money these movies made to go into its effects--you know, after a while--and it pays off in a big showdown.
Aro: (breathlessly) Ah, young Bella.
NC (vo): Now keep in mind, Michael Sheen is already acting pretty odd in this even by Twilight standards, but when they bring Nessie over, he gives a reaction that, I'm just gonna say it, justifies all these terrible movies' existence.
(Aro sees Renesmee and makes a goofy cackle)
NC: Do me. Do me right now, movie! (NC quickly takes his coat off and gets on the desk) We'll do it on the desk! DRAW ME LIKE ONE OF YOUR FRENCH GIRLS!
NC (vo): What in all of cinematic history was that?! I burst out laughing in the theater and half the audience joined me! Even Twilight fans couldn't believe they were seeing what they were seeing!
(Aro's goofy cackle is repeated with a clip of Woody Woodpecker's infamous laugh added at the end)
NC (vo): That cackle has brought me so much joy over the years, if I'm ever in a bad mood, I just put that on and it's like instant better. The only thing to make this even even more amazing is an interview Sheen did where, no joke, I had to rewind this to make sure I heard what I heard.
Michael Sheen: The one that's in this film is actually probably the most subtle, toned down version of the ones that we did on set.
NC: What the hell did he do in those other takes?!
NC (vo): Was he like...?
(Aro's goofy cackle plays again, but this time, his head explodes)
NC: I am going on a National Treasure-style hunt to find that footage!
NC (vo): As if things couldn't possibly get any crazier, it breaks out into one of the silliest, wackiest, but also crazily entertaining fights I've seen in anything. Limbs are flying, heads are being ripped off, the friggin' Earth opens up... Absolutely none of it looks real, but that just adds to the craziness. It's like an Asylum-style Marvel movie. Where was all of this in the other films?! All of this fun seems too good to be true, and wouldn't you know it, it is. Yep, none of that happened, it's all just a vision to show what would happen if the leader of the council attacks. No kidding, it was the first time in all my screenings of these movies I actually heard the audience boo a little.
NC: It took five films, but we got there.
NC (vo): And as if that wasn't enough, these random vampires from somewhere else show up and say, "Oh yeah, human vampire babies are totally a thing, it's cool.
Nahuel: I am half human, and a vampire.
(A clip from The Wedding Singer is shown)
Robbie Hart: Things that could have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!
NC (vo): So the council pisses off and Edward and Bella live happily ever after, waiting for Jacob to bone their kid.
Jacob: Should I start calling you dad?
Edward: No.
(Renesmee runs to Edward for a hug while Jacob looks on lovingly)
NC: (disturbed) Never show that edit again.
NC (vo): This movie is so out of its mind, it's hard to believe it's a Twilight movie. Yes, the others are stupid, but this one has life, energy and effects that clearly can't keep up with that life and energy, but in a weird way, that kind of gives it even more life and energy. It is the best kind of bad to end this series on.
NC: And with all that said... By God, this series is terrible.
NC (vo): But is there any harm in showing it to younger people? Well, I personally think so as its messages are horrendous, but then again, I didn't really see an increase of girls tossing themselves off cliffs so their boyfriends can simp for them. Maybe it's to some audiences like...
(Stills from Snow White and The Little Mermaid are shown)
NC (vo):...what old Disney films are to me. They're fairy tales, you're not supposed to literally find your true love in three days. It's an abbreviated and exaggerated story, that's what fairy tales are. Maybe that's the mindset younger people had watching this, but it probably goes without saying, this is no Snow White. These are absolute garbage movies, but they can be laughable garbage and I guess do reflect a time when this is what young people were looking for in a romantic fantasy. We all have our crap we grew up with, but it is definitely crap, and as long as we don't take it too seriously, maybe we can look back and cringe chuckle, and yes, grow away from it.
NC: I am finding those outtakes. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. (gets up and leaves)
Channel Awesome tagline:- Aro: (cackles goofily)