The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2022

The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2022
Date Aired	December 26, 2022
Running Time	41:41
Previous review	Your Woman
Next review	The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2022
Website	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNUzqkJAQB8

Logo for...

Todd (VO): This video is brought to you by Curiosity Stream.

Introduction

Todd plays Kodak Black - "Super Gremlin" on piano

THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2022

A year-end review

Todd: Hey, everyone. Ready for the worst list?

Montage clips of Taylor Swift - "Anti-Hero"; Sam Smith & Kim Petras - "Unholy"; Lizzo - "About Damn Time"; Harry Styles - "As It Was"; Steve Lacey - "Bad Habit"; Encanto Cast - "We Don't Talk About Bruno"; Future ft. Drake & Tems - "Wait For U"; Bad Bunny - "Tití Me Preguntó"

Todd (VO): For those just joining us, I'm Todd in the Shadows, and I'm going to review all the bad songs of the year for you. Every single one of them in a nice numbered list. Cause that's what I do, right? Every year, I sit in the shadows for some reason and I talk trash about bad songs.

Todd: Mmm... Yeah, I do. But, I've been doing it a long time, and people tell me I'm not [image of a guy screaming at a laptop] nearly as negative as I used to be. Yeah I know, I know, I've mellowed out. So much so in fact, that I've thought about ending the annual Worst List several times. [image of a man wearing a paper bag with a frowny face drawn on it] Why you gotta be so mean? [image of a bunch of smiley faces] Don't we all need a little more positivity? Eh. Let me tell you something I saw happen this year.

Clip of ET story about the 2022 Grammys

Todd (VO): It was the Grammys, the Grammys happened. And I watched like always, and during it, I also watched [screenshot of Twitter page for...] Rolling Stone [various Rolling Stone tweets appear] live tweet the ceremony. In the same way a twelve-year-old girl would. It was... off-putting.

Todd: And the guy running the account [screenshot of article "'Blurred Lines': The Worst Song of This or Any Other Year"] apparently is the same guy I used to read really great negative reviews from. And I'm told that all he writes now is stuff like, you know, [screenshot of Rolling Stone tweet about BTS at the Grammys] "OMG, slay, go off BTS, I am here for it, I am not OK". Is this all we're here for as critics?

Clip from the 2022 Grammys

Todd (VO): To shower the extremely famous with praise? It was appalling.

Todd: So you know what? I haven't changed. I am still the same...

Clip of Todd from an old video where he yells and acts angry

Todd (VO): ...big, stupid, angry YouTube man I was when I started, and I'm not sorry.

Todd: Hater proud forever.

Scrolling down the 2022 Year-End Hot 100

Todd (VO): And uh, just a programming note. I will be using a more expansive definition of "Hit Song" than I have in the past. I always restricted it to Billboard's Year-End 100.

Todd: But it's full of Christmas songs and songs from last year. [screenshot of Chart Essentials tweet showing Year-End Hot 100 predictions] Other chart watchers have compiled better, longer lists that will define what a hit is for me. And with a wider pool of songs to pick from, I found some real stinkers. So let's do this. We're counting down!

Clip of GAYLE - "abcdefu", which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown

GAYLE: A-B-C-D-E, F you

Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2022

GAYLE: Everybody but your dog

You can all fuck off

#10

Todd (VO): #10

Todd: So here's a little tip of the trade: it's actually really bad to start off the list with controversy. You wanna hook 'em in first and save your controversial picks for later. So, what I'm about to do now is possibly very risky. [beat] Here we go.

Clip from Encanto

Mirabel (Stephanie Beatriz): Let's go! This is our home

Todd (VO): Shortly before the year started, there was a cartoon movie that spent, like, a day and a half in theaters before limping to Disney+. It was called Encanto, and it seemed doomed to be forgotten. [screenshot of Billboard article "Why Are There So Few New Hits in 2022?"] But, with a shocking lack of any new hits for a good four or five months, the soundtrack from composer Lin-Manuel Miranda ended up dominating pop music for the first half of the year. In fact...

Todd: It even launched one of the most off-the-wall #1 hits in history.

Clip of "We Don't Talk About Bruno"

Pepa (Carolina Gaitán): We don't talk about Bruno, no, no, no

Todd: That song is, uh... I guess it's fine.

Todd (VO): Couldn't see the big deal about it, but I didn't put it on this list.

Todd: I'd probably get less pushback for that than what I'm about to do.

Clip of... wait for it...

Luisa (Jessica Darrow): I'm totally not nervous

Mirabel: Your eye's... doing the thing...

Luisa: I'm the strong one, I'm not nervous

Todd (VO): Sorry, it's just... I can't deal with Lin-Manuel anymore.

#10. Jessica Darrow - "Surface Pressure"

Luisa: But under the surface, I feel berserk

As a tightrope walker in a three-ring circus

Under the surface

Todd: [sighs] Ok, I saw a lot of people...

Clip of Sebastián Yatra - "Dos Oruguitas"

Todd (VO): Especially the ones that come from immigrant or refugee families like in the movie, [clip of "Surface Pressure"] say that they see themselves in this song and that it speaks to their own struggles with familial pressure. Like, some people like this song a lot.

Todd: And I understand that. Like, trust me, I know pressure. [screenshot of page for one of Todd's videos with the view counter circled] There's a little counter by my name that measures my self-worth. So, I get it, I get it. If anything, that makes me like this song even less.

Todd (VO): I'm mad that we wasted such a #Relatable topic on Lin-Manuel doing his forced, overwritten schtick yet again. Like, I can-I can hear him [close-up of Lin-Manuel's mouth starts to appear over the video] biting his lip all over this.

Todd: And yes, I did like Hamilton.

Clip from Hamilton

Todd (VO): But Lin-Manuel's rap flow is so labored and nerdy that it only really works in a mega dork-ass project like Hamilton.

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Madison, you're mad as a hat-ison, take your medicine

[in a dorky voice] Oh my God, he's doing the Federalist Papers like they're battle raps! So cool!

Todd: I know [clipart image of a nerdy kid flashes on screen repeatedly] exactly what part of my brain lights up for this, and I am not proud of it. And out of that context, I find him increasingly charmless.

Clips from...

Todd (VO): I hated In The Heights, [...and...] I hated looking at him in Mary Poppins 2. [clip of "Surface Pressure"] And here with a faux-reggaeton beat under him, his voice as a writer becomes soooo painful and corny.

Luisa: I move mountains, I move churches

Todd: You move churches? Why?

Luisa: Under the surface, I hide my nerves

And it worsens, I worry something is gonna hurt us

Todd: Under the surface!

Clip of Lin-Manuel performing

Todd (VO): Murders of burglars hurt us with a surplus of berserkers-

Todd: It just drives me up the wall!

Luisa: Under the surface, was Hercules ever like,

"Yo, I don't wanna fight Cerberus"

Todd: No, Lin-Manuel. Hercules was never like, "Yo, I don't wanna fight Cerberus". Homie, my home boys, word.

Luisa: Keeps growing

Todd (VO): It doesn't help that they gave it to a voice actress who can't sing. Or at least not while doing that character. [imitating Jessica Darrow's tone-deaf performance] Urnghdr thr surfrrs. And I don't even like it in the context of the movie, this shit with Luisa comes out of nowhere. That movie's a mess.

Todd: Like, I don't get how this soundtrack was so much bigger than...

Clip from...

Todd (VO): ...Moana's. That's a good soundtrack. You let Miranda have one verse of patter, one. That's it.

Clip of "Surface Pressure"

Luisa: Pressure like a grip, grip, grip

Todd (VO): Sorry, Disney people.

Todd: Billie Eilish wrote a couple Disney songs this year. Why weren't those bigger?

Luisa: No cracks, no breaks

No mistakes, no pressure

Interlude

#9

Todd (VO): #9

Todd: One pattern of mine I've noticed is that always in one of the bottom spots, there's a song that...

Clip of Daya - "Sit Still, Look Pretty"

Todd (VO): ...probably wouldn't have been there if [clip of Maroon 5 - "What Lovers Do"] overplay didn't force me to notice how empty it is.

Todd: The "Heat Waves" spot.

Clip of... wait for it...

Todd (VO): This year, that entry comes in at #9. And it belongs to...

Todd: ...the biggest new superstar of music!

Clip from an NBA game

Referee: Who's Jack Harlow? Who's Jack Harlow?

Other Referee: I have no idea.

Todd: Don't worry, you don't really need to know.

#9. Jack Harlow - "First Class"

Jack Harlow: I been a (G), throw up the (L)

Sex in the (A-M), uh-huh (O-R-O-U-S)

Todd (VO): This was a bad year for sampling.

Todd: Like, an abysmal year.

Clip of Yung Gravy - "Betty (Get Money)"

Todd (VO): One guy sampled the goddamn Rick Roll.

Yung Gravy: Never take an L no more, never take a damn thing slow

And it was actually one of the better ones.

Todd: So, "First Class" is not high on the list...

Todd (VO): ...simply because it samples a song I hadn't thought of in a while and I liked the way they used it.

Jack: And I could put you in (First class, up in the sky)

Clip of...

"Glamorous" by Fergie, great song.

Todd: But man, we sure whiffed on Jack Harlow, huh.

Todd (VO): Because of various structural issues, white rappers are always a tiny bit overrated. [clip of Lil Nas X ft. Jack Harlow - "INDUSTRY BABY"] But Jack was at least enjoyable in his first couple appearances. But when he finally dropped his first album, it became clear he wasn't ready for the pros. [clip of Jack at the same NBA game from earlier] Or even ready to watch the pros without taking a stray.

Todd: The song starts off with one half-clever bit.

Jack: I been a (G), throw up the (L)

Sex in the (A-M)

Todd (VO): And then he immediately runs out of ideas, and just lets it sit there with a big...

Todd: ..."Uh-huh".

Jack: (A-M), uh-huh

Todd: Uh-huh. Yep.

Todd (VO): And after that, the song just falls apart.

Jack: Why do y'all sleep on me? I need reasons

Jack Harlow was fun as a relaxed, effortlessly self-confident bro. But as a guy trying to sell you on the prospect of dating Jack Harlow, he's suddenly just way out of his depth.

Jack: Keep dreamin', pineapple juice

I give her sweet, sweet, sweet semen

Todd (VO): See, I like that he...

Todd: ...seems to hesitate here.

Jack: Sweet, sweet, sweet semen

Todd (VO): Like he's trying to find a way out of this lyric and he can't think of one.

Jack: Tryna come the same day as Jack? Rethink it

Todd: Pft! That's funny, cause...

Clip of "Tití Me Preguntó"

Todd (VO): ...Bad Bunny did drop the same week as Jack Harlow, and then [screenshot of article "First 24: Bad Bunny stomps Jack Harlow on the first day of Apple streams"] ate his lunch all year.

Jack: They say you a superstar now

Damn, I guess I am, you might be the man

Well that's unless I am, okay, I'll confess, I am

Go ahead and get undressed, I am

Todd: You might be the man, unless I am. Oh-ho, I am clever. In fact, I am the man, and I'm naked. This verse is trash.

Clip of The Black Eyed Peas - "Don't Phunk With My Heart"

Todd (VO): I don't know, I guess it's a fitting tribute to Fergie that she once again gets to sing a great hook with [clip of The Black Eyed Peas - "Meet Me Halfway"] some guy spitting whack-ass lyrics over top it. [back to "First Class"] But mostly, this is a classic #9 on the Worst List. Mildly pleasant the first time you hear it, and a giant waste of time by the end of the year. Like, I realize this was a big hit, but it's one of those big hits that doesn't lead to any affection for the singer. It may have actually done more damage than it helped.

Todd: Nope, sorry Jack. I think I have to throw up the L for this.

Video for "First Class" ends

Interlude

#8

Todd (VO): #8

Clip from Don't Worry Darling

Alice (Florence Pugh): What if this place is dangerous? What if-

Jack (Harry Styles): STOP IT! No, not everyone gets this opportunity.

Todd (VO): At some point this year, the Harry Styles experience...

Todd: ...took a real sour turn for me.

Clip of Harry Styles - "Late Night Talking"

Todd (VO): I heard a couple people say the same thing. Some people have been saying it for years, I didn't agree. I liked his music well enough.

Todd: But I don't know.

Todd (VO): The bigger he gets, the more I'm not clear on what the point of all this is. What he offers the world except a few glittery outfits, and being reminiscent of better artists. [video from the premier of...] All the Don't Worry Darling crap didn't help.

Todd: Neither did this.

#8. Harry Styles - "Music For A Sushi Restaurant"

Harry: Ba, ba-ba

Green eyes, fried rice

I could cook an egg on you

Todd (VO): What is with Harry Styles and his [clip of Harry Styles - "Adore You"] disgusting fish videos? Why is that his thing? [clip of "Music For A Sushi Restaurant"] Anyway, this is another one that wouldn't have necessarily made the list if I didn't have to hear it a whole bunch of times.

Clip of Apple AirPods ad featuring "Music For A Sushi Restaurant"

Harry: Ba, ba-ba

Eventually, the colossal hollowness of it really wore on me. It wasn't a lead-off single, but it was the album opener. So I think I can make a case for it as a classic "I'm back, bitch" single.

Todd: A big, empty song about absolutely nothing except how cool Harry Styles thinks he is.

Todd (VO): It's also abysmally produced, the horns sound awful.

Todd: I've said in the past...

Clip of Peter Gabriel - "Sledgehammer"

Todd (VO): ...that Harry Styles reminds me of Peter Gabriel at his most accessible. [clip of Sting - "We'll Be Together"] This one reminds me of Sting at his fake-funkiest. [clip of "Music For A Sushi Restaurant"] Just a very middle-aged white guy imitation of funk and jazz, with its...

Todd: ..."ba-da-ba"'s and "scoobi-doo-bop"'s.

Harry: Scuba-duba-do-boo-boo

Todd (VO): I guess it's a dance song, but the only dance I can imagine anyone doing to it [clip from Spider Man 3] is the Bully Maguire.

"Music For A Sushi Restaurant" plays over Emo Peter Parker dancing

Harry: Ba, ba-ba

Todd: Also, it's terrible music for a sushi restaurant.

Clip of people eating at a Japanese restaurant

Todd (VO): Sushi restaurant music is supposed to be relaxing and Japanese, right?

Todd: Harry says he knows that, he just thought it made for a fun title.

Todd (VO): And it might be, if he wasn't so on the nose as to actually sing it as part of the lyrics.

Harry: Music for a sushi restaurant

Music for a sushi restaurant

I mean, it's like [clip of Radiohead live performance] Thom Yorke singing [sung] This would make good exit music for a film.

Clip of "Music For A Sushi Restaurant"

Harry: If the stars were edible

Todd (VO): I'm not off the bandwagon yet, but I'm worried. As much as Harry is reaching for, like, the 70s glam cool of David Bowie or even Rod Stewart, [clip of Robbie Williams - "Rock DJ"] he's dangerously closer to becoming Robbie Williams. A smirking load of smugness who turned out less than the sum of his parts.

Todd: No, hold on, I got a better analogy. It's, uh, it's "Uptown Funk" if Michael Bublé wrote it. There. That's the one, that's it.

Video for "Music For A Sushi Restaurant" ends

Interlude

#7

Todd (VO): #7

Clip of Post Malone acoustic performance

Post Malone: This next song, uh, this next song is off the new record. It's called "Euthanasia" if you know.

Todd (VO): This year, Post Malone released his album [screenshot of Pitchfork review of...] Twelve Carat Toothache. An album whose goofy [cover of DJ Khaled's...] Suffering from Success-esque title almost hid how bleak it was.

Todd: Like, bleak even for Post Malone.

Post: It's painless, euthanasia

Todd: You might've missed this album...

Clip of Post Malone ft. Roddy Ricch - "Cooped Up"

Todd (VO): ...since there was a surprising lack of hype for it, considering he's one of the best selling active artists. It seemed like his label didn't know what to do with his suicidal depression album, just let the record sink or swim on its own. It was a pretty dark listen, but...

Todd: Honestly it kinda grew on me after a while. Which, I guess tells you where I've been this year.

Clip of Post Malone performing on SNL

Todd (VO): But, for whatever reason, Post Malone could not bring himself to make an album full of downers. So right in the middle of it, right as it's really getting going...

Todd: Malone hands the mic off to someone else.

#7. Post Malone ft. Doja Cat - "I Like You (A Happier Song)"

Post: Oh girl, I like you, I do

I wanna be your friend, go shoppin' in a Benz

Todd (VO): This song has Post Malone's name on it and he sings most of it. But you will not convince me that this song does not belong to Doja Cat. The pop star I struggle with more than anyone. [montage clips of Doja Cat videos, including "Woman"; "Get Into It (Yuh)"; "Say So" and "Need to Know"] She has real skills, she has a unique and recognizable persona, she has made some of the catchiest songs of the last couple years. I don't like her.

Todd: I'm not sure why.

Clip of Doja Cat ft. SZA - "Kiss Me More"

Todd (VO): It might be her association with Dr. Luke makes me hold my distance subconsciously. But also, Luke's "Hits, or else" style has cost her a lot of what made her interesting to begin with.

Todd: It's funny that her biggest song [thumbnail for Doja Cat - "Vegas"] this year was off the Elvis soundtrack. Cause I think I can make the case that Dr. Luke is her [image of Tom Hanks as...] Colonel Tom Parker.

Clip of "I Like You (A Happier Song)"

Todd (VO): But, I've never disliked her either. Not until I heard this. Like, there's nothing wrong with being the go-to person for a hit.

Todd: But... Ugh, all I can hear on this song is...

Todd (VO): ...the king of the sad boys trying to force himself to be happy. So that his off-putting Euthanasia album doesn't completely end his career.

Todd: And begging a...

Todd (VO): ...more active hitmaker to do for him what he can't do for himself anymore.

Todd: I think it goes without saying that they have no chemistry together.

Todd (VO): I am almost certain that Doja and Post Malone have never met, that any picture of them together is green screen. And that Doja didn't even know who she was duetting with when she recorded it.

Doja Cat: We got the same taste for the finer things

Brand new ni**a with the same old team

Todd: [beat] I'm sorry, what did you call him?

Doja: Wonder what a ni**a might do for that

Todd: Uhh... [image of Post Malone captioned "(Hwite)"] Yeah. And honestly, I don't find either of them convincing at all.

Todd (VO): The subtitle "A Happier Song" might as well be titled "A Happier Song than Post Malone has any right recording".

Post: I like you, I do

I guess this is probably not actually worse than Jack Harlow. I think most people just found it pleasant enough radio filler, but something about it's craven commercialism and relentless chipperness was incredibly irritating to me.

Todd: Instead of "A Happier Song", why not... "A Better Song"?

Video for "I Like You (A Happier Song)" ends

Interlude

#6

Todd (VO): #6

#6. Meghan Trainor - "Made You Look"

Meghan Trainor: I could have my Gucci on

Todd (VO): Meghan Trainor's back, everyone! Remember her? She's all about that bass.

Todd: Welcome back, Meghan!

Meghan: Bet I made you look (I made you look)

Todd: Ehhh...

Todd (VO): This is probably lower than it should be. But part of me actually admires Meghan Trainor.

Todd: In a pop scene full of anonymous no-names...

Clip of Meghan Trainor - "Lips Are Moving"

Todd (VO): ...Meghan Trainor is a real individual, a one-of-a-kind. [clip of Meghan Trainor - "All About That Bass"] You only needed a couple seconds to know who she was and what she was about. And I was honestly kinda sad that she seemed to fade so quickly.

Todd: That admiration...

Clip of Meghan Trainor - "Me Too"

Todd (VO): ...did not extend to listening to her actual music, which I was happy to ignore. Along with the rest of the world, who realized this was a pretty failed experiment.

Meghan: Ooh, tell me what you, what you, what you gon' do

But Meghan hung in there, and eventually decided that she had been trying too hard to grow and expand her sound. And that she should instead return to her trademark style. A style that I can only call [image of Meghan captioned...] "White Lizzo".

Todd: Which honestly, I should probably stop doing that. That's-that's an insult to Liz- to white people, really.

Todd (VO): Like, even a Caucasian version of Lizzo should not be this much of a downgrade.

Meghan: But even with nothing on

Bet I made you look (I made you look)

Todd: God, that's irritating.

Todd (VO): Like, you compare it to Lizzo, and you can immediately tell what's wrong. [clip of "About Damn Time"] Lizzo commands. And her retro style hits with more than just nostalgia, [clip of "Made You Look"] compared to Meghan's stiff, anti-septic, plastic, Stepford-y version of the early 60s.

Meghan: Yeah, I look good in my Versace dress (Take it off)

This sounds like a Christmas GAP commercial. When Lizzo says she's sexy, you know it's true. And when Meghan says it...

Todd: Well, you don't wanna say anything. It's great that you feel that way, Meghan.

Meghan: And once you get a taste

You'll never be the same

Todd (VO): But the very worst thing you can say about "Made You Look" is that it's redundant. We already did this.

Todd: I'm amazed that she resisted the urge to call it "Still About That Bass".

Clip of "All About That Bass"

Todd (VO): In 2014, Meghan at least had that youthful energy that bought her some excuses.

Meghan: I could have my Gucci on (Gucci on)

But now Meghan, as a married mom, is exactly the person we always knew she'd become. God bless you Meghan, you are one of a kind.

Todd: If only because no one else on earth has so little taste as to try and copy you.

Meghan: My hoodie on, bet I made you look

Said I made you look

Sponsor

Todd: Boy, I hate it when songs sound like commercials. And before we continue, this video was brought to you by Curiosity Stream.

Various clips from Red Elvis: The Cold War Cowboy

Todd (VO): You liked that Elvis movie this year, right? Well, we've got the weird flipside of that. Dean Reid, an American pop singer who defected to the Soviet Union during the Cold War and became known as Red Elvis. And you can find out more about his story in Red Elvis: The Cold War Cowboy. Which you can of course watch on Curiosity Stream.

Todd: Go to curiositystream.com/toddintheshadows and you will get an entire year [URL shows up on screen] for just 14 dollars and 79 cents. That's nothing. Not only is that [yellow text reading "$14.79/yr! (26% off!)" appears on screen] a 26% discount on the regular price, you will also get free access to...

Clip of ad for Curiosity Stream and...

Todd (VO): ...Nebula. A streaming video platform built by and for independent creators like Hbomberguy, Adam Neely, and myself. So you will get all the high budget, premium content you get on Curiosity Stream plus all the independent video creators on Nebula.

Todd: Once you use the code and get Curiosity Stream, you'll get a welcome email from Nebula giving you access, and you'll have access to both services.

Todd (VO): So sign up now, click the link in the description, and enjoy.

Todd: There we go. And now, back to the list.

Interlude

#5

Todd (VO): #5

Todd: Before we begin, uh, I want to share with you the most stunningly terrible non-hit I heard this year.

Clip of Jax ft. JVKE - "u love u"

Jax: It took a little self-confidence

Todd (VO): It was called "u love u", about the joy of relationships with secure people who don't have all that needy self-loathing.

Jax: I'm not saying that we're narcissists

I don't know, could work.

Todd: Let's see how it went in practice.

Jax: Cause you're feeling yourself

And the reason I fell for you is

You love you, I love me

That's why this works perfectly

No we're not stressed out 'bout our insecurities

Todd: [shrugs]

Todd (VO): This is a real song.

Todd: And I am playing it for you as cover for me not liking this artist no matter how positive her messages are.

Clip of...

Jax: I'd say "Psst"

#5. Jax - "Victoria's Secret"

Jax: I know Victoria's secret

And girl, you wouldn't believe

Todd (VO): This is the second body positivity song in a row. Uh, I realize that... uh, I might seem like I hate things that make women feel good.

Todd: Which is absolutely true, I hate confident women. Pft! Nice ankles, ladies. [raises hand] Champion at negging over here.

Jax: God, I wish somebody would've told me

When I was younger, that all bodies aren't the same

Todd (VO): This is Jax. Formerly a contestant on American Idol, currently a very popular song parodist on TikTok. And as of this year, a pop hit-maker with her first charting single "Victoria's Secret". About how Victoria's actually an old man making you insecure with his hot models and underwear.

Clip of Jax dancing to "Victoria's Secret" with a bunch of women on TikTok

Jax: I know Victoria's secret

She was made up by a dude

Todd: Yeah, I know this is not for me.

Todd (VO): But this entire genre of female empowerment has always struck me as very cheap. And this is not me defending Victoria's Secret or unrealistic beauty standards or anything.

Todd: Like, I remember once as a teenager, I read [image of Blender magazine cover featuring...] Beyoncé say her boobs weren't big enough. And it's like... [sighs] Ok, I'm a 19-year-old idiot, and even I can tell this is a problem.

Todd (VO): But that's the issue, right? We all know this already.

Todd: I've absorbed a brain-rotting amount of social media, and...

Todd (VO): I recognize a certain brand of influencer pandering...

Todd: ...that I've truly come to loathe. [screenshot of Occupy Democrats tweet about January 6th Capitol riot] Donald Trump deserves to be in jail, retweet if you agree! I do agree, but why am I reading this? Like, are we accomplishing anything here, repeating the obvious?

Todd (VO): That's how I feel about a TikTok song taking down an easy target like Victoria's Secret, [screenshot of graph showing Victoria's Secret decreasing in popularity] which has been a dying brand for years [image from Insider video about VS trying to trying to create an "inclusive environment"] and trying desperately to change its image. Ya already won this one.

Clip from Victoria's Secret: Angels and Demons

The timing worked out really well for her, since there was that documentary that came out around the same time. Uh, she says that was coincidence. Maybe if she'd had time to watch it first, she would've found something [clip of Jax and other women dancing to "Victoria's Secret"] more interesting to say than this, which sounds like it was assembled from tweets. And I can't think of anything harsher to say than that. [clip of Jax singing "Victoria's Secret" to a little girl sitting next to her] Jax says this is about making young girls feel better, it's not about taking down one brand.

Todd: Ok, well that's not how it sounds.

Clip of "Victoria's Secret" lyric video

Jax: Wish somebody would've told me

That thighs of thunder meant normal human thighs

Todd (VO): It sounds like a cheap dunk on that one guy that everyone already hates for likes and re-blogs and clap emoji replies. The points being made are decades stale, the lyrics are clunky.

Clip of Jax and other women dancing to "Victoria's Secret"

Jax: Cashing in on body issues

Selling skin and bones with big boobs

No one should rhyme "issues" with "big boobs". But even if this song was written by a smarter, better writer who doesn't make songs based on the goddamn Barney theme... Like, I just don't know how much more of this we need. I realize this isn't aimed at me. So, if it's a revelation to you that Victoria isn't a real person, and it helps take the pressure off....

Todd: ...then I will feel bad for stepping on that like I always do. I just know it wouldn't help me.

Todd (VO): Knowing who to blame for all my baggage has never done anything to get it off my back. [clips from...] HBO's Euphoria may be a ridiculous show, but it had the year's single best moment in television, where it nailed the feeling of having to deal with a constant barrage of positivity.

Rich Girl Influencer: You need to smash all beauty standards!

Stylish Influencer: You have to love yourself.

Feminist Influencer: You need to find your inner fuckin' warrior!

Girls: Love yourself! Love yourself! Love yourself!

I'm gonna hear that actress screaming every time I hear a song like this. [clip of "Victoria's Secret" acoustic performance] Good intentions only go so far. And this two-minute song sounds like [clip from Community] Britta from Community going off for four hours.

Clip of "Victoria's Secret" acoustic performance

Jax: She was made up by a dude, a dude

Todd (VO): Again, this is not me defending Victoria's Secret. Two things can suck.

Todd: Am I right? Retweet if you agree.

Jax: She was never made for me and you

Interlude

#4

Todd (VO): #4

Todd: [beat] I didn't tell you to stop. Do it again!

#4. GAYLE - "abcdefu"

GAYLE: A-B-C-D-E, F you

And your mom, and your sister, and your job

And your broke-ass car

Todd (VO): I have been waiting to have my worst list bumper music also be a worst list entry for so long.

Todd: At last.

GAYLE: Fuck you, and your mom

And your sister, and your job

Todd (VO): I actually put this as an honorable mention in 2021. I wanted to put it on the main list but it bubbled up [brief picture of the calendar from December 2021 with the second to last week circled] too late in the year and I couldn't rewrite the list in time. [back to "abcdefu"] Well, let me rectify that right now.

Todd: This song is awful! It is terrible. And as of a month ago it is [clip of the song being mentioned for...] a Grammy nominee for "Song of the Year". That almost made me bump it up to #1, I was so angry.

Todd (VO): But this song made me pretty angry already! it just has that perfect blend of witless, phony and irritating that, naturally...

Todd: ...the Grammys nominated it to be hip with the kids.

GAYLE: I swear I meant to mean the best when it ended

Todd (VO): GAYLE is an 18-year-old singer whose song blew up on TikTok, naturally, and the insult that has stuck to her is that she's an industry plant. [brief picture of a Reddit post "GAYLE responds to 'industry plant' accusations"] I try not to use that term; I honestly don't think "plant" is a very useful criticism.

Todd: Even for GAYLE, who's such a plant she may as well [brief picture of GAYLE photoshopped with her guitar on stage over a flowerpot] hop around with her feet in a pot of dirt. I admire a well-kept garden; I don't care who planted it. The problem is that it's such an ugly plant!

GAYLE: I was into you, but I'm over it now

Todd (VO): The word has stuck to GAYLE because the song sounds like it was written by a boardroom - not an 18-year-old girl who had a breakup.

GAYLE: A-B-C-D-E, F you and your mom

I mean let's just bluntly state the problem. Telling someone "A-B-C-D-E, F you" is so stupid.

Todd: It's not clever, it's stupid!

Todd (VO): It's a punch line with no setup, it's what a five-year-old thinks is funny. Except not even that. It doesn't sound like it was written by a teenager; it sounds like it was written by a 30-something with a marketing degree trying to sound like a teenager.

Todd: "Look, I cursed with the alphabet. Let me turn my baseball cap backwards to show you how edgy I am!"

Todd (VO): And the worst part was this was just the peak of a whole mess of terrible songs that use nursery rhymes as a hook.

Clip of "u love u"

Jax: You love you

Like that one, yes, but there were more. There were so many more.

Clip of Leah Kate - "Twinkle Twinkle Little Bitch"

Leah Kate: Twinkle twinkle little bitch

Just another narcissist

Todd (VO): I'm sorry GAYLE, I blame you.

Todd: But the worst hook of the year disguises the fact that the verses are also pretty bad.

GAYLE: Dated a girl that I hate for the attention

Todd (VO): They say that writing with more details is good but the more she added, the less I was convinced. It really sounds like it was all compiled by an AI from other breakup songs. [clip of Olivia Rodrigo - "good 4 u"] Every teenage girl pop star seems to get their own rip-offs and the Olivia wannabes might be the worst yet because Olivia's biggest selling point was her authentic emotion. You can't fake it. [clip of GAYLE performing the song live] And with as little attention as GAYLE has gotten besides her one bad hit, she's been forced to recycle it over and over. [brief picture of the cover art for...] "abcdefu (angrier)", [...and "the wild remix"] "abcdefu" remixes.

Todd: And of course, the immortal...

Clip again of GAYLE performing live

GAYLE: A-B-C-D-E, forget you and your mom

And your sister, and your job

Todd (VO): I mean that one's not her fault, but... how do you censor the letter F?!

Todd: Like I said, nothing wrong with plants, just plant it better next time.

GAYLE: Everybody but your dog

You can all fuck off

Todd: Thank you for sparing the dog, though. I did appreciate that.

Interlude

#3

Todd (VO): #3

Todd: This is the worst song of the year.

#3. Latto - "Big Energy"

Latto: Got that real big energy

Todd (VO): Okay, obviously it's not the worst song of the year, I didn't put it at #1. And also it's not actually from this year. Like "abcdefu", it was bubbling up through a big chunk of 2021 before becoming an official hit in 2022. Which means it's been bothering me for a lot more than just a year!

Todd: And another similarity to "abcdefu": it's a negative quality song that inspired a whole lot more negative quality songs!

Latto: Bad bitch, I could be your fantasy

I can tell you got big dick energy

Todd (VO): We are in a time of ultra-lazy sampling not seen since [clip of "Mo Money Mo Problems" by The Notorious B.I.G. ft. Mase and...] the days of Puff Daddy. [back to "Big Energy"] And I blame this.

Todd: Like, I'm not one to complain about samples, but at least come up with new samples!

Clip of...

Todd (VO): This sample of "Genius of Love" by the Tom Tom Club has been definitively claimed...

Todd: ...by Mariah.

Clip of Mariah Carey - "Fantasy"

Mariah: Sweet, sweet fantasy, baby

Todd: And you ain't Mariah!

Clip of "Big Energy"

Latto: Hood bitch, fuck you in a bonnet

I'ma bust it on a pole like Onyx, I'm just being honest

Todd (VO): For the record, this is a Dr. Luke track. And you know, there's been a lot of debate about whether he should be allowed to make hits. And this song seems designed to make that question much easier.

Todd: You know he's got those allegations against him but... God, the beats are still really good though, right? Nope!

Todd (VO): I'm surprised this song has any producer's name on it since he apparently did nothing! It's the exact same sample used the exact same way with no interesting changes no new takes on it. [brief clip of "Fantasy"] It doesn't even have ODB on it! [back to "Big Energy"] Even Taco Bell makes more changes when they roll out their next menu item with the same five ingredients!

Todd: But it's not all about the blunt lazy sample. Let's talk about the obnoxious hook.

Latto: Got that big, big energy (Big dick energy)

Todd (VO): Big dick energy...

Todd: Is it 2018?

Todd (VO): Not that saying "big dick energy" was acceptable back then, but it's certainly not now! I can't believe we're sitting here listening to a song based off the worst catchphrase of four years ago!

Latto: Lingerie Dolce, blindfold

Tie me to the bed while we roleplay

I've told you I struggled with Doja Cat, but seeing so many other rap girls try to do what she does and failing at it miserably has made me really appreciate her abilities.

Todd: Doja is trying. Latto seems more bored than anything.

Todd (VO): And again, much like "abcdefu", it sucked enough that it became the most controversial song of the year. [screenshots of headlines about "Big Energy" being dissed by...] Both Nicki Minaj and Kodak Black have called it out. Those are not necessarily people I want to be on the same side as, but their complaints were about whether it was real hip-hop.

Todd: I don't actually care about that; I like pop-rap, this still sucks.

Clip of Nicki Minaj - "Super Freaky Girl"

Todd (VO): And for the record, Nicki copied this song shamelessly, sampling "Super Freak" of all things!

Nicki Minaj: F, R, E, A-K

Todd (VO): And it is only out of lingering affection for Nicki's superior skills did it not appear on this list also.

Todd: I mean, it may have...

Brief clips of Rick James - "Super Freak"...

Todd (VO): ...sampled the song that's already [...and MC Hammer - "U Can't Touch This"] the basis for the biggest pop-rap song of all time.

Todd: But at least she sampled different parts of it!

Video for "Big Energy" ends

Interlude

#2

Todd (VO): #2

Clip of Luke Combs performing at the 2022 CMA awards

Luke Combs: Ain't that the kind of love we make?

Todd (VO): Oh, country music.

Todd: You know, I look back on the country songs I've put on the last couple lists, and... I wonder, like, was I unfair?

Montage clips of Walker Hayes - "Fancy Like"; Dan + Shay - "Glad You Exist"; Florida Georgia Line ft. Luke Bryan - "This is How We Roll"

Todd (VO): Like "Oh, this song was tacky. This song was wimpy. This song was pandering and cliché". Are those really the worst crimes?

Todd: Surely we can find someone worse than that.

#2. Mitchell Tenpenny - "Truth About You"

Todd (VO): Uh, I don't know who Mitchell Tenpenny is, but he sure seems like a real fuckin' piece of shit. He's had maybe one and a half country hits over the last five years, not much more than that. Probably because he gives off real skeevy vibes.

Mitchell Tenpenny: Now this town's been tellin' me

I've done some things I never did

But he crept back into the charts this year with a new song about how his c**t of an ex is lying about him. And actually, she's the one that cheated on him, damnit!

Mitchell: Yeah you told your friends, you told your mamma

That I'm the root of all your drama

But we both know why this ended

Girl, I caught you red handed

Todd (VO): It is... a loaded time to be writing songs accusing women of lying.

Todd: And I could put it on this list on those grounds alone. Cause boy, the video definitely goes there.

Todd (VO): She lied to the cops. Subtext, who needs it?

Todd: This is the first country song [image of...] apparently targeted at Deshaun Watson fans. But hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, we don't have to treat this like a political statement.

Todd (VO): Sometimes it's just two people in a breakup and it gets ugly. And if someone's lying about you, it's fair to wanna fire back, right?

Todd: I mean, I'm famous in my limited internet kinda way, I see people lying about me all the time. [screenshot of one of Todd's YouTube comments] Especially you fuckin' rats in the comment section.

Todd (VO): So let's just take it what it is, a simple breakup song. He's allowed to have hurt feelings about a breakup. So this song is not on the list because he's accusing a woman of lying.

Todd: It's on the list because he's accusing a woman of lying and he's also obviously a giant chode.

Todd (VO): Like, if you've ever been between two exes throwing accusations at each other, you know it fuckin' sucks. It's miserable and ugly.

Todd: Tenpenny seems to have no idea that no one likes listening to this.

Todd (VO): So he delivers it with the same soulful Luke Combs country tenor you'd use to sing about loving America and pickup trucks.

Mitchell: One of 'em went down and one was made up

But in the end, we both lose

He wrote a hate song like a love song!

Todd: So he doesn't seem like the most emotionally aware songwriter in the world. But, he's stupid in other ways too.

Mitchell: Yeah, there's two sides to every breakup

One's a lie and one's the truth

Todd (VO): That's...

Todd: You know that's not how the saying goes, right? [image of the actual quote from Robert Evans] It's-it's three sides to... Oh my God!

Todd (VO): Maybe if we're really lucky, he meant that as, like, a joke subversion of the saying. But again...

Todd: Pickup trucks and America type singing. If this man is capable of irony, we will never know.

Todd (VO): I mean, I doubt it. Because it ends with him pleading for some mutual understanding.

Mitchell: Why can't we meet in the middle?

Call it even, call a truce

Todd: And then ends with this:

Mitchell: If you quite telling lies about me

I won't tell the truth about you

Todd: That's a threat!

Todd (VO): And he just crooned it out in the same tone of voice as "Can't we meet in the middle?"

Mitchell: But I won't tell the truth abooooooout

Todd: Like, "Can we find a way to get along and work things out? Cause if you don't I WILL FUCKING END YOU, YOU FUCKING SLUT!!!! YOU HEAR ME?! I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU!!!"

Todd (VO): I don't wanna take sides, but I think he might be the bad guy here.

Todd: I mean, let's see if we can get some clue to his character from his back catalogue.

Clip of Mitchell Tenpenny - "Bitches"

Mitchell: Well I don't deal with bitches no more

Yeah, I don't deal with bitches no more

Todd: [throws hands up]

Clip of "Truth About You"

Todd (VO): Yeah, I don't know what she's saying about you, dude. But I'm inclined to believe her. She's not the one who wrote this bitter, divorced guy at his custody hearing anthem.

Todd: This is a man who listened to...

Clip of Trey Lewis'...

Todd (VO): ..."Dicked Down in Dallas" and didn't get that it was supposed to be funny.

Clip of "Truth About You"

Mitchell: But I won't tell the truth abooooooout you

Like I said. I don't know who this Tenpenny guy is but he isn't worth a dime.

Todd: Fuck him!

Mitchell: Won't tell the truth about you

Honorable mentions

Todd: And before we get to #1, some honorable mentions.

Machine Gun Kelly ft. WILLOW - "emo girl"

MGK: I fell in love with an emo girl

I'm in love with an emo girl

Todd (VO): Yeah, you can put Machine Gun Kelly up there with The Chainsmokers as guys I stuck my neck out for. And rewarded me for it by making bad music even I couldn't defend.

Todd: I was still right for the record.

Lil Durk & Morgan Wallen - "Broadway Girls"

Morgan Wallen: Leave them Broadway girls alone

Todd (VO): I mean... this mostly existed to save Wallen's career by getting a black guy's co-sign. So you can't even really judge it as music. Sure hope Durk got a hefty bonus on top of his normal rate for a feature. [beat]

Todd: What's with that part at the end where Wallen starts honking like a goose?

Morgan: 'Lone, 'lone, Broadway girl, 'lone, 'lone

Russell Dickerson ft. Jake Scott - "She Likes It"

Russell Dickerson: She likes it when I pour tequila

Cause she knows that we about

Todd (VO): Oh, Russell Dickerson, I will probably get to you someday. Just file him under Mitchell Tenpenny as just, like, the least talented people in Nashville.

Glass Animals - "Heat Waves"

Dave Bayley: Sometimes all I think about is you

Todd (VO): This is not on the list only cause I put it on last year's. But it was even bigger this year than the last. So I would've been more than glad to put it on here again even higher.

DJ Khaled ft. Drake and Lil Baby - "Staying Alive"

Drake: I-I-I, I'm staying alive

I'm staying alive, I'm staying alive

Todd (VO): I am really, really not kidding about how bad the sampling was this year. Like, trust me on this one.

Lauren Spencer-Smith - "Fingers Crossed"

Lauren Spencer-Smith: And I

Todd (VO): And another one of the terrible Olivia wannabes that popped up. And one where the hook was based around the saddest, weakest attempt at a burn since [clip of "Jar of Hearts" by...] Christina Perri threatened me with a cold.

Clip of "Fingers Crossed"

Lauren: When you said you loved me

Well, you must've had your fingers crossed

Todd: Got 'em!

Rita Ora - "Running Up That Hill"

Rita Ora: Be running up that road

Be running up that hill

With no problems

Todd (VO): I do not think I need to add commentary to this.

Maroon 5 - "--"

Todd (VO): [beat] Uh, I had a placeholder here for Maroon 5. Did Adam Levine not release anything this year? Except the [screenshot of Adam Levine's thirst DM's] awful sex, which honestly just made me feel bad for him.

Todd: Really? No Maroon 5 songs. Are we free, are we finally free? Aw, that feels good. And on that note...

Interlude

#1

Todd (VO): #1

Todd: Sometimes the worst song of the year is the one that makes me the angriest. And we've already had several songs that annoyed or offended me. But I found sometimes, it's just better to be detached about it.

Clip from a baseball game

Todd (VO): An umpire doesn't get angry at a wild pitch. He just calls it and moves on. And that's how I felt when I first heard the song...

Todd: ...that I would eventually put at the top of the list. Just "Huh, the worst song of the year. There it is."

Clip of... wait for it...

Todd: I mean, look at me. Do I look angry? I'm not.

Bebe Rexha: I'm good, yeah I'm feeling alright

Todd (VO): I'm not enraged, I'm not hurt. I'm just up here like a teacher, looking at [image of a crumpled essay] a two sentence essay a student scribbled down before class. No hard feelings.

Todd: You just failed! You failed the assignment, see me after class!

#1. David Guetta & Bebe Rexha - "I'm Good (Blue)"

Bebe: Cause I'm good, yeah I'm feeling alright

Baby, I'ma have the best fuckin' night of my life

Todd (VO): Last year, when her second album tanked, [screenshot of Daily Mail article "'Upsetting but I won't give up!': Beb Rexha responds to low sales for her sophomore album Better Mistakes as she says her career was 'built on failures'"] Bebe Rexha vowed that she would come back from this failure harder and better than ever.

Todd: Which fits my impression of her, I believe [screenshot of article "Bebe Rexha Throws 'F'-bomb Tantrum after Crowd Won't Sing 'Meant To Be'"] that she is one of the most intense and determined people in music.

Clip of Bebe Rexha - "Better Mistakes" visualizer

Todd (VO): She wants stardom. She wants it bad.

Todd: Which makes her meager results all the more shocking.

Clip of "I'm Good (Blue)"

Bebe: Cause I'm good, yeah I'm feeling alright

Todd (VO): Bebe Rexha has only ever been [stock photo of a female singer] a clipart stock photo of a pop star. [back to "I'm Good (Blue)"] A shallow facsimile of the real thing with no fanbase, identity, or memorable songs.

Bebe: Don't you know I'm good, yeah I'm feeling alright

And yet here she is, back again, once again swimming in the margins of fame. There is no way she should've gotten another chance. [clip of David Guetta live performance] But an unreleased collab with David Guetta that he played live once five years ago caught on randomly, giving her fifteen minutes of fame a ten-second bonus. [clip to "I'm Good (Blue)"] It did the same for Guetta too, I guess. Funny to watch EDM reach its [brief clip of Rolling Stones live performance] "Dinosaurs of classic rock" stage.

Clip of "I'm Good (Blue)"

Bebe: Cause I'm good, yeah I'm feeling alright

Todd (VO): In a year of baaaaad samples, this was the lowest. [clip of Eiffel 65 - "Blue (Da Ba Dee)"] And you might think that's because it's lifted directly from one of the great canonically annoying songs.

Eiffel 65: I'm blue, da ba dee, da ba di

Todd: But you'd be wrong.

Clip of "I'm Good (Blue)"

Todd (VO): If anything, this song is not annoying enough. At least "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" is memorable.

Todd: If I was told beforehand that there would be a...

Todd (VO): ...Bebe Rexha, David Guetta song that sampled "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" by Eiffel 65, I would've already assumed that it would be the laziest song I'd ever hear.

Todd: And I still would've been stunned by how uncreative it is.

Todd (VO): I am shocked that this is five years old, cause I would've assumed it was 15. [clip of Flo Rida ft. Akon - "Who Dat Girl"] This is a beat that needs to have Akon and Flo Rida on it.

Todd: I feel like I'm in a time warp.

Clip of "I'm Good (Blue)"

Todd (VO): And as for Bebe Rexha's part, I will spit out my drink if these are not...

Todd: ...literally the first lyrics she thought of!

Todd (VO): Hmm, we have the beat to "I'm Blue", [image of "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" lyrics with "blue" and "Da ba dee da ba di" crossed out] but what can we put here instead?

Todd: I'm... Good.

Bebe: I'm good, yeah I'm feeling alright

Todd (VO): And I'm... feeling alright?

Bebe: I'm good

I can't stand Meghan Trainor, but to me, she will always be worth a thousand Bebe Rexha's. This song isn't even that big, and I've only heard it a couple times. But do I ever need to hear it again?

Todd: No. I'm good.

Bebe: Don't you know I'm good, yeah I'm feeling alright

Closing Tag Song: Nicky Youre ft. Dazy - "Sunroof"

THE END

No but seriously no more worst lists. Maybe. Probably not.

This video is owned by me

THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!!