December 23, 2018
16:04 (Part 1)
14:25 (Part 2)
Introduction[edit | edit source]
Todd plays Shawn Mendes - "In My Blood" on piano
THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2018
A year-end retrospective
Todd: Hey. I get a lot of new viewers every time I do the year-end Top 10, so, uh...hi, new viewers. I'm Todd in the Shadows. I review music while sitting in profile in silhouette. Don't ask, it made sense when I started doing this a billion years ago. And hi, old viewers. Yes, I am actually trying to do these lists in an actual timely fashion for the first time and [image of June 2019 calendar with date circled: best list don't forget] not, like, in the middle of next June. I'm still paranoid something's gonna come up in the last week of the year and I'm gonna miss it. You know who does it right? [shot of logo for...] The Oscars. They don't announce the nominees until the year's been over for weeks, and they don't give out the awards until March. That's the way everyone should do it. But regardless, whether you're new or you're old, thank you for watching. Thank you so much, I do it all for you. I am certainly not doing it for myself. Because man, do I not wanna do this.
Montage clips of Childish Gambino - "This Is America"; Ariana Grande - "No Tears Left to Cry"; Khalid & Normani - "Love Lies"; Bruno Mars ft. Cardi B - "Finesse"; Drake - "God's Plan"; Zedd, Maren Morris & Grey - "The Middle"; Bebe Rexha ft. Florida Georgia Line - "Meant To Be"; Dua Lipa - "New Rules"; Marshmello & Bastille - "Happier"; Travis Scott ft. Drake - "Sicko Mode"
Todd (VO): Some years making the worst list is harder than others, but this year was the hardest of all. And not like in the past where there were too many, or not enough bad songs to pick from. There were a reasonable quantity of bad songs; it's just that they weren't really that bad. That sounds like I'm being positive, but I'm not. It feels like everything was just there, not trying to provoke a reaction. Just taking up space. Listening to this year's music, it's no surprise that the current, cool drug of choice [image of...] is Xanax. Xanax of all goddamn things!
Todd: How did we latch onto that?! That's a drug for rich housewives in bad marriages! [image of happy pills] I mean, I get why everyone's on antidepressants these days, but it doesn't make for an interesting musical environment. I do this list about hit songs partly because it feels [picture of cartoon bear beating up a cow] mean to beat up on flops that no one listened to. But a large percentage of this list's songs were [images of dice spelling out "SUCCESS" and "FAILURE"] both hits and flops. [...and red carpet] They had big, splashy premieres and debuted high, lingered around for a couple of weeks, and then...
Clip of meteor striking the Earth
Todd (VO): ...plummeted hard enough to leave an extinction level crater. That's the list because they're the ones who bothered to try.
Todd: It feels cruel, but it is what it is. We're counting down...[beat] Oh, I'm sorry. Was that a little too excited for 2018? Let me tone that down. [clears throat; in a less excited tone ] We're counting down...
Clip of Ariana Grande - "Thank U, Next", which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown
Ariana Grande: Thank you, next (next)
Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2018!
#10[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #10.
Todd: When my kids ask me what 2018 was like, I'll tell them, "Post Malone was really big."
#10. Post Malone ft. Ty Dolla $ign - "Psycho"
Post Malone: My AP goin' psycho, lil' mama bad like Michael
Can't really trust nobody
Todd (VO): I mean that sums it up, right? That's your entire year...or at least that's what it felt like.
Todd: That said, it's kinda too easy to hate on Post Malone right now.
Todd (VO): He walks around in his visible [images of...] Pig-Pen cloud of filth. [...along with a photo of Post himself] He looks like a Mad Max character who's too gross to hang out with the other characters. His music is so dreary and miserable.
Todd: The most popular piece of music criticism this year was an article of just [shot of article appears on screen: "Post Malone is the perfect pop star for this American moment. That's not a compliment."] insult after insult at him. "Jack Johnson with [the] 808s"; "a rhinestone cowboy who looks like he crawled out of a primordial swamp of nacho cheese." But at some point, you gotta let things be what they are.
Clip of live performance of Post Malone - "I Fall Apart"
Todd (VO): I don't get mad at country songs 'cause they like mama and Jesus. Sad white boys need music, too.
Todd: So while I didn't like any of Malone's hits this year, the only one I actively disliked was [image of red carpet from before] "Psycho", 'cause it promised so much. He's crazy! He's gonna go psycho!
Clip of "Psycho"
Post Malone: And I'm like "Whoa, man, my neck so goddamn cold”
Diamonds wet, my t-shirt...
Todd (VO): Or he's gonna do the same moaning, sad-boy shit that he's always done. Like, I think Post Malone still thinks of himself as a rapper.
Todd: I don't know why.
Todd (VO): Like, this is one of his songs where he gets to brag about his bling and bitches, and he still sounds like a [shot of Sleepytime Lullabies cover with Chad Kroeger's face] lullaby written by Nickelback.
Todd: The only thing psycho about him is that he [image of man in a straight-jacket] sounds lobotomized.
Todd (VO): I think this is one of his only hits where he doesn't rap about his pillies and benzos and downers. At least that'd be an excuse.
Todd: Does anyone know what he sounds like off the drugs?
Close-up image of Post Malone's face; "Turn Down for What" plays briefly
Lil Jon: Turn down for what!
Todd: And even if he did sound alive, his lyrics would still be for shit.
Post Malone: AP goin' psycho, lil' mama bad like Michael
Todd (VO): His AP is his watch. My expensive watch is going psycho!
Todd: [holds wrist up] I mean, it's uh...sittin' there on my wrist...tellin' time...hands movin'. Psycho!
Todd (VO): 2018, the year of Post Malone.
Todd: Thank you, next.
#9[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #9.
Juice WRLD: I still see your shadows in my room
Can't take back...
Todd (VO): Right, the other big sad rap of the year. I kind of got the sense that radio took on...
Todd: ...Juice WRLD as the acceptable mainstream version of [artistic image of...] XXXTentacion, with...no history of violence.
Todd (VO): But the trade-off was a much harder-to-ignore lyrical subtext of misogyny, and I didn't appreciate it. That's why it's on the list.
Todd: Which...kinda feels like a double objection, right?
Montage clips of Jagged Edge ft. Nelly - "Where the Party At"; Jay-Z ft. UGK - "Big Pimpin'"
Todd (VO): If I was gonna complain about misogyny in hip-hop, I should have done it a long time ago. Rappers have been calling women bitches and hoes and tricks for decades. And a lot of those songs are all-time classics, and they're way worse than some whiny teenager, right?
Todd: Ehh, yeah, but...there's a level on which all that stuff isn't real.
Montage clips of Kanye West ft. Jamie Foxx - "Gold Digger"; Ludacris - "Southern Hospitality"
Todd (VO): Like, most of these guys are happily married men. They're just selling a fantasy; they put on their gangsta costumes and rap about being badass player pimps, and then they go home to their wives.
Todd: But Juice WRLD?
Video for "Lucid Dreams"
Todd (VO): Like...there's no macho-player acting here. He is baring his soul out there for you. There's something very raw and naked in what he throws down. That's the real him. He's keeping it real.
Todd: And it turns out the real him is an ugly little shit with no talent. Give me lies.
Juice WRLD: Who knew evil girls have the prettiest face?
Todd (VO): Like, in terms of concrete evidence in the lyrics, there's not a lot there, but...I just could not shake the vibe of crazy, vindictive stalker ex from this kid.
Juice WRLD: You found another one, but
I am the better one
I won't let you forget me
Todd: The fuck is that?! That's something someone says before they boil your pet rabbit! There are a lot of restraining orders in your future, kid.
Todd (VO): The one thing I gave "Lucid Dreams" credit for was the Sting sample, which I didn't even like, but at least seemed novel.
Todd: And then I found out that I'm an ignorant moron because it's not original at all. [clip of Nas - "The Message] Rappers have been using that beat since it was new. It's a super popular sample, and I'm just an idiot. Oops. [shots of articles: "Sting Calls Juice WRLD's 'Lucid Dreams' a 'Beautiful Interpretation of His Song 'Shape of My Heart'"...] Sting said he liked this song for the record, but [...and "Juice WRLD Responds to Sting's Alleged Lawsuit Over 'Lucid Dreams'"] what he meant was that he likes money, seeing as he's suing Juice WRLD for royalties.
Todd (VO): Which seems like a mean thing to do to one of his disciples. I mean, Juice WRLD is bringing Sting's lifestyle to a new medium.
Todd: Tantric whining. He can whine for over nine hours!
Juice WRLD: I won't let you forget me
Todd: Who are you again? Next!
#8[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #8.
Clip of Taylor Swift - "Delicate"
Taylor Swift: Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you're in my head?
Todd (VO): Seems weird to say that a star as huge as Taylor Swift could have a sleeper hit, but "Delicate" was the surprise single of the year, slowly building and climbing the charts long after that album cycle should've been done with singles.
Todd: And you know what? It's fine.
Todd (VO): Perfectly fine. In fact...
Todd: ...I only have one real problem with it.
Taylor: This ain't for the best
My reputation's never been worse, so
Todd: I would pay Taylor Swift a lot of money to make sure she never sings about her reputation ever again.
#8. Taylor Swift ft. Future & Ed Sheeran- "End Game"
Taylor: I wanna be your end game (end game)
I wanna be your first string (first string)
I wanna be your A-Team
Todd (VO): I mean, I relate 'cause my reputation has also never been worse.
Todd: Seriously, I'm awful.
Todd (VO): But it's clear that Taylor's obsession with her reputation ruined her artistically. Or maybe I only think that because of "End Game", which hammers that word into meaninglessness in one of the worst hooks I've ever heard.
Taylor: Big reputation, big reputation
Ooh, you and me, we got big reputations, ah
Todd: I mean, I'll give it this: It wasn't "Look What You Made Me Do."
Video for "Look What You Made Me Do"
Todd (VO): But as bad as that song was, I at least got the sense that Taylor liked it. [pause] She really thought she was doing something there.
Clip of "End Game"
But all I hear on "End Game" is a bunch of marketing geeks telling her what to do. "Future is big. Let's have Future on the song." Future and Taylor mix about as well as [image of...] putting hot sauce on your toilet paper, but sure. Why not?
Todd: Honestly, he's a better collaborator than Ed Sheeran.
Ed Sheeran: When I was young
Reconnected when we were little bit older
Todd (VO): Ed Sheeran as far as I can tell is just the token dude in Taylor's girl squad. Which is fine; they both dated enough people.
Todd: Although, if they ever did date, we'd get some amazing breakup songs out of it.
Todd (VO): But this is not the first time they've collaborated, and they have never ever had any chemistry. Like in this song, they can't even pretend. They're clearly not singing about each other.
Todd: You wouldn't think they've ever even been in the same room.
Todd (VO): Ed has nothing to do with the song, or with Taylor, and his willowy, sensitive-boy shtick kills the song's vibe.
Todd: Essentially, what Taylor's done is make her version of the hip-hop posse cut, where...
Footage of Grammys performance of Jay-Z & T.I. ft. Kanye West, Lil Wayne & M.I.A. - "Swagga Like Us"
Todd (VO): ...a bunch of superstars gather together to spit a few substandard bars and coast off their fame to another paycheck.
Todd: But mostly, it's just that awful word.
Taylor & Future: Big reputation, big reputation
Ooh, you and me would be a big conversation
Todd (VO): Taylor began the year still insisting that her hellbeast drama factory reputation makes her fun and awesome, doesn't bother her at all.
Todd: It rang hollow in January.
Video for Ariana Grande - "Thank U, Next"
Todd (VO): But at the end of this year, when Ariana mined her own public drama and spun it into gold, Reputation's failures just looked...
Todd: ...that much worse.
Clip of "End Game"
Taylor: Reputation precedes me
Todd (VO): Reputation only did as well as it did because Taylor Swift held so much public fascination, and that's not a trick she can pull a second time. So, this might legitimately be the end game for Taylor.
Todd: I mean, good luck with your future career after this. [beat] Delicate, indeed.
Taylor: I wanna be your end game, end game
#7[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #7.
Todd: Look, I try to be objective, but let's be real. The more I have to hear a bad song, the worse it is.
#7. Camila Cabello - "Never Be the Same"
Camila Cabello: It’s you, babe
And I’m a sucker for the way that you move, babe
Todd (VO): Camila Cabello is a pretty bad artist. [clip of "Boss" by...] Fifth Harmony was also bad, but I kind of found them pleasantly nostalgic in how obnoxious they were. They were like the really annoying pop acts you'd have, like, ten years earlier and...
Todd: ...the duller pop music gets, the more I appreciate them.
Normani: Everyday is pay day
Swipe my card, then I do the nae nae
Todd (VO): Not by a lot, mind you. But, you know, a little. [clip of Camila Cabello ft. Young Thug - "Havana"] For some reason, Camila Cabello is the one with the big solo career. I don't know why since she is a sucking black void of charisma.
Todd: She doesn't have a great voice, or a single distinguishing characteristic.
Todd (VO): That said, I didn't really mind "Havana" or...have any thoughts about it, other than that the chorus sounds like it was written by the Minions.
Audio for "Havana" plays over clip from Despicable Me
Camila: Havana, ooh na-na (ay)
Todd: In a louder and more annoying year, it might have escaped...
Video for "Never Be the Same"
Todd (VO): ...my notice. But after a thousand listens, to me, "Never Be the Same" became the representative for every no-vibe, soulless drone pop song I had to hear.
Camila: Sneaking in L.A. when the lights are low
Like this song never decided whether it wanted to be a big power ballad or a soft, countryish love song, and it kinda wound up as neither.
Todd: Like imagine how hard a song like this would have ...
Video for Heart - "Alone"
Todd (VO): ...gone in the '80s when you had real power ballads.
Todd: Clearly the song Camila's trying to make is "Wrecking Ball."
Clip of Miley Cyrus - "Wrecking Ball"
Miley Cyrus: I came in like a wrecking ball
Todd (VO): I didn't like that song either, for a lot of the same reasons. But at least Miley had that sharp, keening voice that she could put some real power behind.
Clip of "Never Be the Same"
Camila: I’ll never be the same
Camila's voice is so nondescript and powerless, it might as well be named "Wiffle Ball."
Todd: Of course none of that is what got the song on the list. It was just this.
Camila: Nicotine, heroine, morphine
Todd is cringing with disgust
Suddenly, I’m a fiend and you’re all I need
All I need
Todd: I don't know if just playing the song really conveys what Camila's falsetto sounds like to me after ten months.
Todd (VO): I mean, first time I heard it, it was annoying. The hundredth time...
Camila: [slowed down] Nicotine, heroin, morphine
Snippets of alarm clock going off with accompanying image followed by clip of Donald Sutherland screaming from Invasion of the Body Snatchers
Suddenly, I’m a fiend and you’re all I need
Yeah, you're all I need
Camila's breathy falsetto is the same sound my car made when it needed new brakes.
Todd: And "hero-ween" was the worst two seconds of pop music in 2018.
Camila: Just one hit of you, I knew I'll never ever be the same
Todd: I really hope things are never the same as this year again. Next!
#6[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #6.
Clip of Eminem - "Fall"
Eminem: Rappers are like Hunger Games
One minute, they're mockin' Jay
Next minute, they get their style from Migos
Or they copy Drake
Todd (VO): I'm gonna be honest, I related a lot to Eminem's last album, which was largely about his complete confusion at the modern rap scene.
Todd: Which didn't make me feel great. Me nodding along to...
Todd (VO): ...46-year-old arthritic Marshall Mathers and his befuddled shrug at SoundCloud rap.
Todd: Like, "Yeah, this man has some good points!" No, I don't wanna be that guy.
Todd (VO): Because at the very least, I understand why trap dominates right now.
Todd: I mean, if the alternative is this...
#6. Eminem ft. Ed Sheeran - "River"
Ed: Been a liar, been a thief
Been a lover, been a cheat
All my sins need holy water
Todd (VO): You forgot this happened, right? Yes, this was from this year. "River" debuted in the Top 20 in the first week of 2018...then floundered in and out of the Top 40 for about a month while goddamn [images of...] 6ix9ine and The Greatest Showman soundtrack destroyed it on the charts.
Todd: And rightly so!
Todd (VO): This song is so bad that I think it killed the pop crossover single in hip-hop on its own.
Todd: For one, it's another guest appearance by Ed Sheeran, which...
Todd (VO): He was all over the charts at the time; I guess it makes sense, if you have absolutely no taste.
Todd: Ed Sheeran's really popular, so he must be a great guest artist on rap songs!
Todd (VO): He's like the new Rihanna. He'll be like what T-Pain was in 2008. An Ed Sheeran rap hook...
Todd: ...is a guaranteed smash. I've never actually listened to music, and I'm not clear what it is!
Video for Eminem ft. Rihanna - "Love The Way You Lie"
Todd (VO): I mentioned Rihanna because this song was clearly intended to be "Love The Way You Lie (Part II)." [screen shot of music video for "Love The Way You Lie (Part II)" with caption: there's already a part two] Or...Part III, I guess. I didn't love that song. I thought the production was kinda draggy and wore out pretty quick, but it certainly got your attention. It cut deep 'cause Eminem was being honest about his own damage and fuck-ups.
Todd: But what the hell is this?
Clip of "River"
Eminem: 'Cause she loves danger, psychopath
And you don't fuck with no man's girl, even I know that
Todd: From what I can tell, it's about Eminem inserting himself into a love triangle.
Eminem: Now how am I supposed to tell this girl that we're through?
Todd (VO): That's not something that requires a big, sad Ed Sheeran chorus.
Todd: Especially since Eminem doesn't seem to have any angst about it at all.
Eminem: Hi Suzanne, but I shoulda said "Bye Suzanne"
Todd (VO): He's not sorry, he's not angry...for him the whole ordeal is mostly just a pain in the ass. He may as well be rapping about a roommate who doesn't do the dishes!
Todd: And you know how even in "Love The Way You Lie..."
Video for "Love The Way You Lie"
Todd (VO): ...Eminem let one verse build and build, only to finish...
Todd: ...on a goddamn dad joke?
Eminem: Now you get to watch her leave,
Out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane
Todd (VO): Yeah, well "River's" basically that line...
Todd: ...but it's the entire song.
Clip of "River"
Eminem: Actually, just shit on my last chick
And she has what my ex lacks
Todd groans and facepalms
Eminem: So she's been on the web lately
Says maybe she'll be my Gwen Stacy, to spite her man
Todd (VO): Get it? Gwen Stacy and... Spider-Man?
Todd: And then they both got eaten by...
Video for Eminem - "Venom"
Todd (VO): ...a venom. Venom.
Todd: God, what a weird year this man has had.
Clip of "River"
Eminem: Shoulda knew
To use protection 'fore I bit into your forbidden fruit
Todd looks on in perplexion
Todd (VO): "Use protection before you...
Eminem: ...bit into your forbidden fruit
Todd: [image of banana with a condom and question marks on either side] Good metaphor, Marshall. [gives thumbs up] A+.
Todd (VO): This song, and that whole album was such a disaster; Em was forced to release [shot of article: "Eminem Drops New Album 'Kamikaze'"] a completely different record just six months later. [screen capture of Metacritic page for Kamikaze] Critics were divided on it, but everyone agreed...
Todd: ...Ed Sheeran wasn't on it. A triumphant comeback!
Ed: Falling like the rain
So let the river run
Todd: [sarcastically] Ooh, it's so exciting! Who's gonna be #1? Ha-ha. Well, tune in next time on Todd In The Shadows.
Screen fades to black
GO TO PART 2!
(LINK IN DESCRIPTION)
Todd: Welcome back! Let's get this over with.
#5[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #5.
#5. Kanye West & Lil Pump ft. Adele Givens - "I Love It"
Lil Pump: You're such a fuckin' ho, I love it (I love it)
You're such a...
Todd (VO): I'm done with this idiot.
Todd: Which one? Yeah, I guess I should clarify, right?
Todd (VO): I meant Kanye, because I was never down with Lil Pump to begin with. Although wasn't the appeal of SoundCloud rappers like Lil Pump that they were punk and DIY, and disconnected from bloated out-of-touch superstars like Kanye? Well, he's movin' on up now. Esskeetit, I guess.
Todd: But yeah, I'm especially done with Kanye. I was done with him [album cover for...] as far back as Life of Pablo, which for the record I hated.
Clip of live performance of "Ultralight Beam"
Todd (VO): For the guy trying to be the new Pablo Picasso, what he reminds me most of is [clip of...] an old, old SNL sketch where Picasso is so drunk on his own fame, he blows his nose and calls it a masterpiece.
Pablo Picasso (Jon Lovitz): I'm Picasso!
Yeah, that's all of what Kanye sounds like to me these days.
Todd: I'm Kanye!
Footage of PornHub Awards performance of "I Love It"
Todd (VO): I can put out any turd I want. Kanye shitposted his way through 2018, including a song whose only lyrics were [screen capture of YouTube Topic cover for "Lift Yourself"] "Poopy-di-scoop di-whoop." But at least that was an effective troll.
Todd: This? This is just sad and lazy.
Clip of "I Love It"
Kanye West: I'm a sick fuck, I like a quick fuck (Whoop!)
I'm a sick fuck, I like a quick fuck (Whoop!)
I'm a sick fuck, I like a quick fuck (Whoop!)
I'm a sick fuck, I like a quick fuck (Whoop!)
Todd: It's just the two of them saying "fuck" over and over again like middle schoolers.
Adele Givens: We can tell ni**as today:
"Hey, I wanna cum, mothafucka!"
Todd (VO): And it samples a sex joke from one of the queens of comedy there. [pause] It seems like it's a setup for some kind of song about female empowerment, or...at least something where Kanye brags that he can deliver in bed.
Todd: But it's not either of those things.
Todd (VO): I've seen people try and reconcile that sample with the rest of the song, but the fact is...
Todd: ...it's just incoherent, like all of Kanye's music is these days.
Kanye: I'm a sick fuck, I like a quick fuck
I like my dick sucked
Todd: [pretending to be disgusted] He's sick. He likes sex! Appalling!
Todd (VO): Yeah, I know, I know a lot of people liked Life of Pablo, [album covers for Ye...] or Kanye's newest album, or they [...and Kids See Ghosts] tell me Kids See Ghosts was good.
Todd: Was it? [shrugs]
Todd (VO): You know what? Even if it was, you know what? [image of...] I didn't think Iggy Azalea was untalented.
Todd: But she clearly wasn't talented enough that we needed to put up with her.
Todd (VO): And that's where I am with Kanye, too. He officially became not worth it to me with all his inane dramas, and his incomprehensible politics. He needs to be on meds.
Todd: But he just said this week that [shot of Kanye West tweet...] if he goes on meds, he couldn't make Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy or Watch the Throne. I'm fairly certain that's not true, but even if it was, you're not making Watch the Throne, Ye. You made this.
Kanye: I wanna hear mo' shit, I like the ho shit
Send me some mo' shit, you triflin' ho bitch (Bitch, bitch)
Todd: Get some meds.
Adele: I wanna cum, mothafucka!
#4[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #4.
Todd: Are you guys ready to laugh?
Chris Brown: Oh, Dicky
Todd (VO): Coming this 2018, the hilarious body-switching comedy that dares to ask the question, "What would happen if you switched the brain of [images of...] Andy Samberg with a stupid 10-year-old?" You'd get Lil Dicky. And Lil Dicky would give you a song where he kisses the ass of the most detestable man in music.
Todd: I think it'd go a little something like this.
Chris: I woke up in Chris Brown’s body (oh yeah)
Somehow this shit turned into Freaky Friday
Todd (VO): This song wasn't my pick for worst song of the year, but it was certainly the most loathsome. If you need a recap, it's a song about how great it is to be Chris Brown. Where Chris Brown pretends to be someone else so that he can compliment his own penis. And Lil Dicky pretends to be Chris Brown and plays Breezy's own history of abuse for lighthearted hyuks.
Lil Dicky: Ain’t nobody judging 'cause I’m black or my controversial past
My mistake; clearly this was the worst two seconds in pop in 2018.
Todd: Look, I feel like a fuckin' dweeb every time I try to tell people not to laugh at something 'cause it's offensive. But I'm entirely comfortable telling you not to laugh because it isn't funny.
Lil Dicky: How his dick staying perched up on his balls like that?
Todd (VO): This guy's a fuckin' hack. He should be a drive-time DJ rotting in a small market radio station somewhere, but he has bizarrely good connections, where he can get big names like DJ Khaled...or Ed Sheeran, who didn't even release anything this year and yet shows up on the worst list three times. Oh, and this song also features Kendall Jenner, where she gets to pretend that Lil Dicky is...
Todd: ...possessing her body and masturbating.
Kendall Jenner: I got a vagina, I’m gonna explore that right now
Todd (VO): An auspicious start to her music career I'm sure. But also a scene that prompted a question from my viewers that I missed. [image of doll with finger pointing at its nether regions] Is Lil Dicky molesting Kendall Jenner?
Todd: [thinks about it for a moment] Well, now that's an interesting question. I dunno.
Todd (VO): I mean...she's not in that body. But an unconscious girl is arguably not using her body either; it's not OK to touch her.
Todd: But Dicky didn't steal Kendall Jenner's body, it was involuntary for him, too.
Todd (VO): He's gonna have to pee at some point, so...there will probably be some hand contact out of necessity. Are there squatters' rights for bodies? When do they kick in?
Todd: I don't know. The ethics of brain switching are complicated. But...
Todd (VO): ...maybe it's something to think about for a couple of minutes instead of immediately jamming your hand in there literally five seconds after it happens! Look it's a gross fucking joke either way.
Todd: Lil Dicky could switch his brain with a can of Cheez Whiz and it wouldn't make any difference. Next!
#3[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #3.
News story clips with audio from Pusha-T - "The Story of Adidon"
Pusha T: The cuatrociento' ochenta...
Todd (VO): Midway through 2018, [clip of "God's Plan"] Drake, the biggest music star in the world, got into a feud with Pusha T and took what is undisputedly the biggest L of his career. He was humiliated. [clip of "Hotline Bling"] And I've talked before about Drake's uncanny ability to lean into his own corniness and skate past things that would end lesser careers, but it seemed like this could, in fact, be the last nail in the coffin. The one blow that he could not survive.
Todd: [pause] Nope.
Clip Drake - "In My Feelings"
Drake: Kiki, do you love me?
Todd (VO): "In My Feelings" caught on right after that and it was like the Pusha T thing didn't even happen. Drake is like Nicolas Cage, with one embarrassment after another, and yet nothing ever sticks. [clip of Bad Bunny ft. Drake - "Mia"] And even after he ran out of singles, he was an omnipresent guest rapper. He could have a #1 hit where all he talks about is taking a nap.
Clip of Travis Scott ft. Drake - "Sicko Mode"
Drake: Out like a light (like a light)
Like a light
Todd (VO): He was just constantly there, [clip of BlocBoy JB ft. Drake - "Look Alive"] on singles that were good...or mediocre...
Todd: ...or this.
#3. Lil Baby ft. Drake - "Yes Indeed"
Lil Baby: Brand new whip got no keys
Tailor my clothes, no starch, please
Soon as I nut, you can gon' leave
Got M's in the bank, like: "Yes, indeed"
Todd (VO): I feel more and more disconnected from hip-hop these days, so maybe I don't have the palette to judge anymore. But...I'm pretty sure this sucks.
Todd: I mean, there's no beat, no hook, no lyrics. [image of...] I can only assume that Drake powered this to hit status on name recognition alone because it sure didn't do so off the strength of the other guy. [single cover for "Yes Indeed"] Even the title, "Yes Indeed" sounds like a disinterested shrug.
Lil Baby: M's in the bank, like: "Yes, indeed"
Todd: Yes, indeed. Sure, I guess. [shrugs]
Lil Baby: Cartier glasses, I won't even peek at you
Yellow Ferrari like Pikachu
Todd: [sighs] I'm all for cartoon references, but that wasn't remotely clever.
Clip of "Yes Indeed" with lyrics on screen
Todd (VO): Like, the first line was "peek at you." There was only one thing that was gonna rhyme with.
Todd: You wanna impress me? Come up with a rhyme for [image of...] Sudowoodo.
Todd (VO): Apparently, Pikachu was the original title of the song.
Todd: Naming your song after a furry animal roughly the same color as your car.
Desiigner: Panda, Panda, Panda, Panda
White X6 look like a panda
Todd (VO): It's been done!
Todd: But yeah, there is one line that really pushed it over the top for me.
Clip of "Yes Indeed"
Lil Baby: From the basement
I'm straight as the street, man I come from the pavement
A million, all hundreds, it make 'em 'go crazy
Wah-wah-wah, bitch I'm the baby
Todd is speechless
Lil Baby: Wah-wah-wah, bitch I'm the baby
Todd: [beat] Is...is this some kind of 8 Mile thing where he destroys himself before you can?
Todd (VO): Like he can't possibly think that going, "wah-wah-wah," is cool, right?
Todd: I wasn't gonna make fun of your name, dude. It's too generic for that!
Todd (VO): I think he's trying to lean into it like Drake does, but...
Todd: ...if you're embarrassed by your rap name, you can just change it. [album cover for Fast Money by...] In fact, Birdman used to go by Baby, and he changed it. Yet another thing a better rapper beat you to!
Lil Baby: Soon as I nut, you can gon' leave
Got M's in the bank, like: "Yes, indeed"
Todd (VO): I'm just so tired and bored by this shit. Bitch he's a baby...
Todd: ...and this was a dirty diaper of a track. Next!
#2[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #2.
Video for...wait for it...
Justin Timberlake: Hey!
Todd (VO): Oh my God, a lot happens in 12 months.
Todd: Yeah, this happened this year. Remember?
Justin: Put your filthy hands all over me
No, this ain't the...
Todd (VO): I think it's fair to say that the tone of the year was set early by the dramatic failures of pop's biggest names.
Todd: And while Eminem, and Taylor Swift, and...even Beyoncé and Jay-Z had their struggles...
Todd (VO): ...I don't think any single this year failed harder than "Filthy," the already forgotten lead single from the already [album cover for...] forgotten Man of the Woods. The ill-advised concept album from [image of Justin Timberlake in concert with caption: Justin Timberlake: Where Are They Now?] already forgotten former superstar, Justin Timberlake. I did a full review of this song, but revisiting it...
Todd: ...eleven months later, I still can't believe how bad it is.
Todd (VO): The word, "filthy" can be sexual; "filthy hands," though, is not.
Todd: "Filthy hands" sounds like he's trying to talk to [image of...] a preschooler who tried to eat ice cream with their fingers.
Todd (VO): Maybe this was a demonstration of his power. He already brought sexy back. Now in 2018, he can only repeat that trick by sending it away again. Sexy is gone forever. [clip of Justin Timberlake ft. Chris Stapleton - "Say Something"] And that whole album; that's a Trainwreckord and a half. Stay tuned on that one. I mean, think about it: Justin released a whole country pop album, and only managed to score one mild hit song out of it [clip of "Meant To Be"] in a year where country pop was the biggest trend in music.
Todd: Maybe he could have scored other hits off of it, but "Filthy" poisoned the well really early.
Video for "Filthy"
Todd (VO): His version of dirty sex all sounds like deleted jokes from Anchorman.
Justin: What you gonna do with all that meat
Cookin' up a meeeeaaan servin'
Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave this Arby's.
Todd: But my favorite part was when he starts really getting into it.
Justin: Put your filthy hands all over me
Todd (VO): I mean, he's trying to put some "umph" into that. You can just imagine him [brief clip of Andy Samberg biting his lip from The Lonely Island- "Jizz in my Pants"...] biting his lip when he says it.
Justin: What you gonna do with all that beast
In any other year, a song this bad would take the top spot, but...you know...I gotta respect him for trying. He didn't play it safe, he dared to put himself out there.
Todd: And he failed miserably.
Todd (VO): The end of the video is basically what happened in real life! [clip of Justin glitching and fading out of existence] And Justin was never seen again.
Honorable Mentions[edit | edit source]
Todd: And now before we continue, some honorable mentions.
Lovelytheband - "Broken"'
Mitchy Collins: I like that you're broken
Broken like me
Maybe that makes me a fool
Todd (VO): Even with all the radio play this got, I don't think this counts as an actual hit.
Todd: But seriously, fuck this song.
Todd (VO): Imagine the fucking gall in 2018 to be yet another "Blank the Blank" band, with a song that jacks the beat from "Pumped Up Kicks," the riff from MGMT's "Kids", and the lyrics of an emo 8th grader.
Todd: Kiss my ass forever!
Maroon 5 - "Wait"
Adam Levine: Wait, can you turn around
Todd (VO): Fuck you, Maroon 5!
Todd: You suck!
Selena Gomez - "Back to You"
Selena Gomez: I'd go back to you
Todd (VO): Yet another year where Selena Gomez fails to justify her own existence.
Todd: Have you heard that new Miley Cyrus song? That one was pretty decent.
Imagine Dragons - "Natural"
Dan Reynolds: 'Cause you're a natural
A beating heart of...
Todd (VO): I genuinely don't understand why you would wanna make music like this.
Panic! at the Disco - "High Hopes"
Brendon Urie: Had to have high, high hopes for a living
Todd (VO): I really wanna be happy that Panic! at the Disco is back, but this song sounds like ass. Sounds like a bad T.I. song from 2008.
Todd: Those trumpets, ugh.
Todd (VO): Didn't this band used to be clever and weird? This is my least favorite song by them ever.
Bazzi - "Mine"
Todd (VO): Ew. What is this? No.
6ix9ine - "Gummo"
6ix9ine: Ni**as iffy, uh, Blicky got the stiffy, uh
Todd (VO): This would've been an easy pick for the list. It's not on there because I'm so sick of mumbling drone raps, and part of me can't help but appreciate a guy that goes this hard.
Todd: But Jesus Christ, this song is a headache and a half.
Todd (VO): I'm actually...really divided over whether it's the song I don't like, or if it's just Tekashi as a person.
Todd: Either way, fuck this guy, right? Honorable mention just for being a shitty human being, thank God he's not gonna be around in 2019.
Todd: And that's it. You don't even get a lot of honorable mentions in this exhausting year, let's finish this.
#1[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): [ominously] #1!
Todd just throws up his hands
Adam: Girls like you run 'round with guys like me
Till sundown when I come through
I need a girl like you, yeah yeah
Todd (VO): Fuck you, Maroon 5.
Todd (VO): I struggled pretty hard over this one honestly. There were times when it didn't feel right. Considering how grotesque this year was where every single day felt like my blood was on fire...
Todd: ...it felt wrong to give it to a song whose main crime is just being boring.
Todd (VO): I mean, sure. Adam Levine is a featureless mannequin riding a groove so oily and limp that even a force of personality like Cardi B can't seem to get a foothold in it. But so what, right?
Todd: Surely in this awful year, just symbolically, the title of worst song should go to something [clips of "Freaky Friday"...] really offensive, like my problematic unfave "Freaky Friday." [...and 6ix9ine ft. Nicki Minaj & Murda Beatz - "Fefe"] Or it should go to one of the surprising number of men who committed some kind of horrifying crime. I was considering it, I seriously was.
Todd (VO): And then this song would come on again, and my mind would be made. There was only ever gonna be one song that would take this spot, there's just nothing good about it. Like, every other song on this list, I can see some kind of attribute that could be good in other contexts. But "Girls Like You"...
Todd: ...like, "Girls Like You"...if you like this song, what are you promoting? What feelings are you trying to set out in the world? What's there to like?!
Todd (VO): And even if I had to give the title to something that makes me morally outraged...
Todd: You know what? Adam Levine doesn't want to make music. He stopped caring years ago.
Todd (VO): And in 2018, laziness and complacency are also problematic. So yeah, I am offended by this.
Todd: So, one last time: Fuck you, Maroon 5. You suck. Give up your spot in music to someone who still gives a shit!
Adam: I need a girl like you
Closing Tag Song: Tyga ft. Offset - "Taste"
This video is owned by me
I don't really want no friends
THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- #46 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #51 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #20 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #19 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #14 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #1 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #8 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #3 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #16 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #80 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #42 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #1 in 2018
- #6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #39 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #12 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #24 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #18 in 2018
- #18 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #12 in 2018
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #11 in 2018
- #71 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #6 in 2018
- #55 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; never charted on Billboard Hot 100 during the year
- #9 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #5 in 2018
- #23 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #25 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #9 in 2018
- #85 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #29 in 2018
- #58 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #41 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #69 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #5 in 2018
- #21 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #56 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #10 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #31 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #28 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100