January 1st, 2018
15:53 (Part 1)
16:45 (Part 2)
Introduction[edit | edit source]
Todd plays Zedd & Alessia Cara - "Stay" on the piano.
THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2017
A year-end retrospective
Todd: Well, we're still here. Been a crazy year, right?
- Montage clips of controversial videos about 2017
Todd (VO): Really crazy and chaotic and difficult and not much fun. One of those years. So naturally, during one of the most turbulent years in recent history, American pop music responded to that turmoil in full force. By producing some of the...
Todd: ...dullest, samey-est, most monotonous collections of music ever.
- Montage clips of Migos ft. Lil Uzi Vert - "Bad and Boujee"; Ed Sheeran - "Shape of You"; Kendrick Lamar - "HUMBLE."; Julia Michaels - "Issues"; Charlie Puth - "Attention"; Luis Fonsi & Daddy Yankee - "Despacito"; Katy Perry ft. Skip Marley - "Chained to the Rhythm"; DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper & Lil Wayne - "I'm the One"; and Cardi B - "Bodak Yellow"
Todd (VO): This year suuucked. Well you know what, they can't all be winners. I've covered bad years before. It's not even close to the worst year in pop music I've ever covered. But it is definitely the least relevant year in pop music I've ever covered. The big names fizzled out, or in some cases imploded spectacularly, to be replaced by a constant string of mid-tempo EDM and indistinguishable, mumbling trap songs.
Todd: I've heard for years that...
- Montage of Internet Headlines and Music Editing Software
Todd (VO): ...there were algorithms that could tell you whether something would be a hit, but this is the first year I've really felt like computers were writing our popular music.
Todd: Really tell me that you can tell the difference between all of this:
Montage of clips of Camila Cabello ft. Young Thug - "Havana"; Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato - "No Promises"; Kygo & Selena Gomez - "It Ain't Me"; Hailee Steinfeld & Grey ft. Zedd - "Starving"; Pink - "What About Us"; and Dua Lipa - "New Rules"
Camila: Havana, ooh-na-na
Trevor Dahl: Oh na na
"New Rules" continues
Todd (VO): Honestly, it was really hard to find ten songs that even stood out enough to be worth hating. This well and truly felt like the year pop music stopped mattering. Todd: But it wasn't all bad. Let's focus on the good things that happened this year. Like for example, I managed to [image of calendar dates for December 31st and January 1st] get out one of my lists by the end of the year! Whoo! We're counting down...
Clip of Jon Bellion - "All Time Low", which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.
Jon: I'm at an all time low low low-low-low
Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2017
#10[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #10.
Todd: You know what? It wasn't a completely awful year in music news, at least not for me. Wanna know why? Because I finally have a rock station!
Clip of ALT 92.3
Female announcer: New York's New Alternative.
Todd (VO): Yes, New York City finally has a radio station that plays alternative rock again. It's been years. Todd: You know, when I moved to New York, [image of Radio City Music Hall...] cultural capital of America, I thought it would be so easy to stay in touch with hip new bands. But it actually got so much harder. The radio stations suck up here. [images of Tuscan restaurant...] It's like I took a trip to Italy, and then I got served [...and a bowl of...] Spaghetti-O's. Having a station now is so great. [shot of Billboard article: "Let There Be (Alt) Rock: Alternative Returns to NYC Radio After Six Years] This is the kind of music I grew up on. I mean hell, maybe it's making a comeback.
Video for Foo Fighters - "The Sky is a Neighborhood"
Todd (VO): It is just so gratifying to hear an actual left-of-the-dial, non-mainstream, forward-thinking music station back in this city.
Todd: Hell, I have an app for it on my phone. Why don't we listen to it right now? [a familiar annoying vocal plays; Todd looks up from his phone] This is a betrayal.
Dan Reynolds: Thunder
Feel the thunder
Todd (VO): Okay, look-I was kidding about an alt-rock station being forward-thinking. Alternative rock has been behind the times for years. But even if it's not alternative to anything anymore, it could at least try to rock. Thunder. What's thunderous about this?
Clip of live performance of "Thunder"
[arrow points to acoustic guitar guy] Look at this guy! Is he even doing anything?! Is his guitar even miked? If I tune into a rock station and someone's singing about thunder, it better sound like this.
Clip of AC/DC - Thunderstruck
Todd (VO): [sighs] Maybe we can split the difference.
Footage of performance resumes, this time with high pitched thunders in place of the crowd chanting "Thunder"
[groans] It's just making it worse.
Video for "Thunder"
Todd (VO): I've heard this called a ripoff of "Royals." But this is less a Lorde ripoff than a ringtone that they're trying to trick you into being a song.
Todd: Imagine Dragons have somehow found an [image of Uncanny Valley chart...] Uncanny Valley for music. It sounds like music, yet there's something just off about it.
Todd (VO): What even explains their success? I don't get it. I read an article that argued that it was their mix-and-match approach to genre. It's kind of rock, but it's also kind of electronic. It's music for everybody!
Todd: Which means it's music for nobody!
Todd (VO): What does an Imagine Dragons fan even look like? What would that say about you? I dunno...
Todd: I guess it would say that you like fine consumer products. Now if you'll excuse me, [pulls out laptop] I have to shop for a new Jeep Cherokee on my Microsoft Surface.
Video for "Thunder" ends
#9[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #9.
Clip of Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon: [holding copy of Red Pill Blues] Maroon 5!
#9. Maroon 5 - "That One Maroon 5 Song"
Todd (VO): You know...
Todd: That-that one.
Clip of Tonight Show performance
Todd (VO): [sighs] It was called...[groans] I don't remember the name...or how it goes. It was...um...hold on. I'll think of it.
Todd: Had a really annoying vocal melody. It was really pointless. W-was it called "Maps?" I think it was called "Maps."
#9. Maroon 5 - "Maps"
- Adam Levine: A map that leads to you
- The map that leads you
Todd (VO): No, no, that's not from this year. Something more recent. Think it had a guest rapper or...
Todd: Or maybe it was like a duet with another singer...with someone good that was completely wasted on this song and phoning it in. [sighs] That's not helping, is it? What was it?!
#9. Maroon 5 ft. Kendrick Lamar - "Don't Wanna Know"
- Adam: Don't wanna know-know-know
Todd (VO): Yeah. Th-that's it, "Don't Wanna Know" with Kendrick Lamar. Jeez, for the love of God, someone stop putting Kendrick Lamar on pop songs. He clearly does not wanna be there.
Todd: Actually, hold up! I don't think this was it!
Todd (VO): It's-it's not annoying enough.
Todd: Must have been one of the other ones. Uh...
#9. Maroon 5 ft. Future - "Cold"
- Adam: Cold
- Enough to chill my bones
Todd (VO): I guess this was it. "Cold" with Future. Yeah.
Todd: I don't know why I even try to tell Maroon 5 songs apart anymore.
Todd (VO): How long has it been since Maroon 5 sounded like they gave a shit? There's been time to make three Thor movies since the last time Maroon 5 was a real band. In fact, I'm fairly certain [image of...] that Adam Levine is 100% CGI at this point.
Todd: And no this isn't the song I was thinking of either. Did they release any other songs this year?
And now the real #9...
#9. Maroon 5 ft. SZA - "What Lovers Do"
- Adam: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
- Been wishin' for you
- Ooh, ooh
Todd (VO): Yeah, this is it. It was definitely this one. That one song featuring Whatsherface.
Todd: Actually, I like SZA. She deserves a lot better than this. But, Maroon 5 has a way of dragging people down to their level.
Todd (VO): I guess on one level this isn't really any worse than any other Maroon 5 songs, which aren't even ambitious enough to be bad, but it's been year after year of this shit with no break. I have absolutely no tolerance for Adam Levine anymore.
Todd: This makes it on the list because Levine still knows just how to be catchy enough to get one line of melody stuck in my head.
- Adam: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
- [slowed down] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
- Adam: Tryna do what lovers do
Todd (VO): This is the sound dolphins make when they die. What lovers do. Hell, even the title sounds like a robot wrote it. [image of confused robot standing next to question mark...] [in robotic voice] Human explain how to do what lovers do. [normal] But if you want me to be honest, here's the point where I got angry enough with this song to put it on the list. I went to see a movie a couple months ago, and out in the theater among the movie posters [image of poster for "What Lovers Do" video] I saw this. This is an actual picture I took. They advertised the goddamn music video, which had already been out for months at this point...
Todd: ...like it was an actual movie.
- Adam: Tryna do what lovers do
Todd (VO): It's not even a good video! Special effects is not the same thing as being good!
Todd: Yeah, screw this song, which...[pause] I've already forgotten the name of it.
- Adam: Tryna do what lovers do (ooh)
#8[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #8.
Clip of Beyoncé - "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)"
Beyoncé: All the single ladies
All the single ladies
Todd (VO): When I started doing this show, I really did not like Beyoncé. I've come around on her and, I've eaten up everything she's made this decade. I even have a Tidal subscription because of her.
Clip of Beyoncé - "Formation"
But I'm still uneasy with the messianic cult that she has. It's like people are going out of their way to make ["Hold Up"] everything she ever does the greatest thing anyone has ever done. Everyone treats her like she's so far beyond human. [sarcastically] Oh, she can do anything. She can turn water into wine. [single cover for...] She can even make the new Ed Sheeran song worth listening to.
Todd: No, no. Calm down, no one can do that. That's impossible.
#8. Ed Sheeran & Beyoncé - "Perfect"
- Ed Sheeran: We were just kids
- When we fell in love
Todd (VO): I've called Ed Sheeran a lot of things in my reviews, but one thing I've never called him is boring.
Todd: And believe me, that's always my first instinct with coffee shop folk singers like him. But, he's not boring. He's very interesting.
Todd (VO): Even at his worst, he's a very unique performer. He writes intricate rhymes, compelling melodies. [clip of "Shape of You"] I hated "Shape of You" but, no one but Ed Sheeran would've written it. It's a weird goddamn song.
Todd: But now, as we speak...
Todd (VO): ...as this song is currently #1 on the Hot 100, I want to say that for the first time, I am completely fucking bored by Ed Sheeran. This is the most basic, least inspired song in his entire career. It has absolutely none of his personality.
Todd: This thing is so half-assed, it makes [image from...] "Thinking Out Loud" look like a double-LP rock opera.
- Ed: And you look perfect
Todd (VO): Now in most circumstances, this song would have been released, chart at #30 or something and then...
Todd: ...disappear like any other fourth single off an album.
Todd (VO): But like I said, "Perfect" is currently at #1. And that would absolutely not have happened were it not for the fact that Beyoncé decided to record a duet version and release that. Beyoncé in 2017 has thoroughly outgrown the Hot 100.
Todd: So I guess she felt the need to pop in and remind people that she can still have actual hit singles. But dear God. Why did it have to be this?
- Ed & Beyoncé: Looking so beautiful I don't
Todd (VO): This duet doesn't make a lick of sense. For one, the attempted humble sincerity of the original doesn't match what with Beyoncé's overwhelming goddessness. But more importantly, it forces you to think of Ed Sheeran and Beyoncé as a couple.
- Ed: We were just kids
- When we fell in love
Todd: "We were both kids?" [shakes his head] Okay first off...
Todd (VO): ...Beyoncé is ten years older than Ed Sheeran. But more importantly, persona wise, Beyoncé is a million years old and has been worshipped by primitive cultures since prehistory, whereas Ed Sheeran is a six-year old who still wets his pants! Comparatively I mean.
- Ed & Beyoncé: You look perfect
I mean I totally get Ed Sheeran calling Beyoncé perfect.
Todd: Don't really understand it in reverse though.
Video for "Perfect" ends
#7[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #7.
#7. Imagine Dragons - "Believer"
- Dan Reynolds: Pain!
- You made me a, you made me a believer
Todd: Yeah. Yeah, we're not done imagining dragons yet.
Todd (VO): I've disliked plenty of Imagine Dragons songs but, Jesus Christ. This is on another level.
Todd: Listening to this is work.
Todd (VO): Like doing push-ups or walking five miles through the snow. I have no idea why people embrace this lumbering empty shell of a song.
- Dan: First things first
- I'ma say all the words inside my head
Todd (VO): "First things first" is an opening line...
Todd: ...for people who don't know what they're going to write about.
Clip of Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX - "Fancy"
Iggy Azalea: First things first
I'm the realest (realest)
Todd: Same point.
Todd (VO): That song wasn't really about being fancy. [clip of "Believer"] And this isn't really about being a believer.
Todd: Now take..."Take Me to Church."
Clip of Hozier - "Take Me to Church"
Hozier: Take me to church
Todd (VO): I also thought that song was pretentious and boring, but at least I understood what he was worshiping.
Todd: He was worshiping ass.
Hozier: Tells me "worship in the bedroom"
Todd (VO): He was moved to religion because he got some really good ass. Not something I thought deserved that ultra serious tone but...
Todd: ...at least it's something.
Todd (VO): This though, believer...of what?
- Dan: Second things second
- Don't you tell me what you think that I could be
- I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea, oh
Todd: Okay, I'm supposed to one, make you a believer; and two, I'm not supposed to try to convince you of anything. What do you want from me?!
Todd (VO): I assume they wanted something big and epic sounding, but this doesn't sound epic to me. Everything Imagine Dragons does sounds hollow. "Thunder" was an attempt to remake "Royals," [brief clip of Kanye West - "Black Skinhead"] and "Believer" is I guess trying to be "Black Skinhead." But everything they do has this sickly plastic sheen to it. [image of...] It's the audio equivalent of already-chewed gum.
Todd: You can't eat it, and it only has a trace of flavor left from what it was supposed to taste like in the first place.
Todd (VO): So, that's alternative rock in 2017. Guess it's back to Hot 97 for me.
Imagine Dragons. Todd: How about imagining good music. Can we do that instead?
#6[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #6.
Todd: You know the traditional model pop star doesn't seem to be doing all that well in today's anti-pop climate, but there are exceptions. Like...
Clip of One Direction - "Best Song Ever"
Todd (VO): ...those One Direction kids. They're all doing pretty well for themselves, huh?
And they've become surprisingly distinct. I don't think we've ever seen a group split apart like this, and then have each and every member diverge into such successful and wildly different solo careers.
Todd: Never. It's never happened. [album cover for The Beatles' Let It Be] Okay, yeah, that one time it happened. And, uh, yeah. None of the solo careers have been, um, good exactly.
Clip of Liam Payne ft. Quavo - "Strip That Down" 
Liam Payne: You know I used to be in 1D (now I'm out, free)
Todd (VO): Liam is doing obnoxious DJ Mustard crap, and uhh [clip of Niall Horan - "Slow Hands"] Niall's doing what sounds like a dad-rock version of a sex jam. Like something Eric Clapton would've recorded in the '80s.
Todd: But I feel like all of them have been left in the dust by the one who got out of the gate first.
Video for Zayn - "Pillowtalk"
Todd (VO): And he has such a commanding lead, in terms of both success and sucking...
Todd: ...that his former bandmates will never ever catch up.
#6. Zayn ft. Taylor Swift - "I Don't Wanna Live Forever"
- Zayn: I don't wanna live forever, 'cause I know I'll be living in vain
Todd (VO): Zayn Malik was already the first One Directioner to have a solo hit. And now with, "I Don't Wanna Live Forever," he becomes the first One Directioner to have two hits.
Todd: As well as the first One Directioner to [clip of "Pillowtalk"] rip himself off, as it's basically just his first hit as a duet.
Todd (VO): He also becomes the first person in history to paradoxically look more like a five-year old after growing a full beard.
Todd: I don't really know what to say about this. You can just recycle everything I said about "Pillowtalk" here. The only difference is that it has Taylor Swift on it.
- Taylor Swift: Eyes wide open and I got one thing
Todd (VO): I did notice that Taylor Swift sounds really strange singing to Zayn about how much she wants to have sex with him.
- Taylor: Baby, baby
Todd (VO): I thought at first maybe she can't do sexy, but she's proven she can. Eventually I realized it sounds weird because I can't imagine her having a conversation with another actual human being. [image of girl with mirror] I kinda imagine her just constantly talking to a mirror.
Clips of "Look What You Made Me Do" with multiple Taylors
Todd (VO): This is basically what I think is going on in Taylor's head at all times.
Video for "I Don't Wanna Live Forever"
The only other interesting thing about this song is that it comes off the soundtrack of the Fifty Shades sequel. And boy, this is a song that deserves to be associated with Fifty Shades alright. In fact, it's the most Fifty Shades song ever because it's the worst song from that series.
Todd: Ducking under an already low bar set by the Weeknd.
Clip of The Weeknd - "Earned It"
The Weeknd: E-earned it
Todd (VO): And I think maybe because it's for a movie, I think it's trying to sound cinematic. By which I mean it sounds like those hilarious slowed-down cover songs for movie trailers.
Clip of Power Rangers trailer
Todd (VO): For the record, I love every single one of those covers.
Todd: Comedy gold each and every time.
Todd (VO): So yeah. If unintentional hilarity is what Zayn and T-Swizzle were going for...
Todd: ...No, no. It doesn't even achieve that.
Taylor: Until you come back home
CLICK HERE FOR PART 2!
ABC Saturday Morning Bumper (Three Claymation Singers): After these messages
#5[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #5.
Clip of Cardi B - "Bodak Yellow"
Cardi B: I don't dance now, I make money moves
Todd (VO): There were a lot of trap songs this year. And uhh...
Todd: It's not my genre. I don't really get it.
Montage of clips from Migos ft. Lil Uzi Vert - "Bad and Boujee"; Gucci Mane ft. Migos - "I Get the Bag"
Todd (VO): But I don't put things on my worst list because I don't get them. Not getting it is a different feeling from not liking it. Or at least it is for me. But it feels like it wouldn't be honest if I didn't put at least one trap song on here. And fortunately, right at the end of the year, the charts...
Todd: ...spat out a song that even a clueless idiot like myself can tell how shit it is.
#5. Lil Pump - "Gucci Gang"
Lil Pump: Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang (Gucci gang)
Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang (Gucci gang)
Spend three racks on a new chain (yuh)
Todd (VO): This is "Gucci Gang" by Lil Pump. I don't know a thing about Lil Pump except he's from Miami, he looks like a forgotten Suicide Squad character...
Todd: ...and he has a terrible rap name. [image of...] I don't know why you would give yourself a name that's literally a synonym for small dick.
Lil Pump: Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang (Gucci gang)
Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang (Gucci gang)
Gucci gang, Gucci gang, Gucci gang (Gucci gang)
Todd (VO): I'm calling this song one of the most obnoxiously repetitive songs I've ever heard. Except for the fact that it's only a blessedly short two minutes long.
Todd: My morning [image of...] pee takes longer than this song fragment.
Todd (VO): But what's more important is that it's not even an original repetitive song fragment.
Clip of Migos - "Versace"
Quavo: Versace, Versace, Versace, Versace
Versace, Versace (Versace)
Todd (VO): Oh yes. This was a banner year for Migos, who were all over everything. But they also got ripped off so hard by so many mumbling dumbasses in 2017, that they should just consider suing the year. [image of calendar for...] The actual entire year. And few were as blatant about it as Lil Pump. He literally just changed which designer he was rapping about. That's all he did!
Todd: He stole their flow, he stole their hook, he even stole their sound effects.
Lil Pump: (Brr)
Todd (VO): I'm not even a huge fan of Migos, but they're allowed to do this. That's their thing that they came up with! And it's not like Lil Pump ups the lyricism on his one verse.
Todd: Yes, count it. One. Single. Lone. Solitary verse.
Lil Pump: None of this shit be new to me
Fuckin' my teacher, call it tutor-y
Todd (VO): What? Why would I call it that? [shot of...] Okay Rap Genius tells me it's short for statutory. I guess Lil Pump is bragging that his teacher raped him. And that he doesn't know how statutory is pronounced.
Todd: What's the opposite of wordplay?
Todd (VO): Seriously, what distinguishes this guy from a billion other SoundCloud rappers? Is this all there is to it?
Todd: I'm starting to get the feeling that trap music is so popular right now. Not because people like it...
Todd (VO): ...but because it's so absurdly easy to make. Can anyone do this? Y-you just say a random word over and over again.
Rapping over Panda instrumental...
Todd: Waffle iron, waffle iron, waffle iron, waffle iron
Waffle iron, waffle iron, waffle iron, waffle iron
Buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo [throws hands up]
Video for "Gucci Gang" ends
#4[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #4.
Most popular song of the year.
Todd: [gives thumbs up] Thanks America!
#4. Ed Sheeran - "Shape of You"
Ed: I'm in love with the shape of you
We push and pull like a magnet do
Todd (VO): When I first reviewed this song, I think I might have given the impression that I dislike Ed Sheeran singing about sex because he's unattractive. That's not why.
Todd: The entire history of popular music has been [image of the Rolling Stones] an uninterrupted streak of ugly guys pretending to be studs. It's not that he's unattractive. I'm not even sure he is unattractive.
Todd (VO): If you go to the movies right now, apparently the hottest guys that all the girls are crazing over are [shots from Star Wars: The Last Jedi...] a freaky-looking pockmark emo douche and [...and The Shape of Water] a goddamn fishman...
Todd: ...and honestly I do kinda get it from both of them.
Todd (VO): So-so what if Ed Sheeran looks like a [image of...] life-size Cabbage Patch doll? Lots of guys have done well with a lot less than what Ed has.
Todd: The problem is that he's so incapable of projecting anything but perpetual virginity.
Ed: I'm in love with the shape of you
Todd (VO): Ed Sheeran sounds like acne. Ed Sheeran sings about sex like he'd rather be playing D&D. [clip of Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor - "Marvin Gaye"] We've reached the point where Charlie Puth - Charlie goddamn Puth - [clip of Charlie Puth - "Attention"] has managed to convey more heat.
Todd: It's not like the rest of the song communicates it either.
Todd (VO): The entire production of the song baffles me. What part of this song is supposed to be sexy? The plinkety-plunk beat? The monk chanting? Ed's whispy British accent?
Ed: Now my bed sheets smell like you
All I could think of when I hear this song is Ed Sheeran rubbing his face into his sheet so he can sniff his own love stank still on it. That's your hot sex jam of 2017.
Todd: Jesus Christ, it's a wonder anyone got laid this year!
Ed: I'm in love with the shape of you
#3[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #3.
Todd: Speaking of bad sex songs...
Sam Hunt: Body like a back road
Drivin' with my eyes closed
I know every curve like the back of my hand
Todd (VO): 2017 was a great year for walking testicle Sam Hunt, who had a monster country hit with "Body Like a Back Road." How big? Well it was only the longest-running #1 country single of all time.
Todd: Of all time! Eat that Merle Haggard!
Sam: Got a girl from the South Side
Got braids in her hair
Todd (VO): Well, at the very least, unlike Ed Sheeran, I believe Sam Hunt knows what sex is. In fact, I'm fairly certain he's thinking about either [image of brain with...] tits or beer at any given moment. So why is this ranked higher than Ed Sheeran? At least Sam Hunt is authoritatively stupid and gross, right?
Todd: Well, I can tell you why. This is the worse song because I absolutely [taps his head] cannot get it out of my fuckin' head!
Sam: Body like a back road
Drivin' with my eyes closed
Todd (VO): It is one of the most insidious...
Todd: ...brain-destroying choruses I've ever heard.
Todd sits on the floor...
Todd: [singing to tune] Putting on my shoes now...oh, goddamnit! [throws shoe at wall]
Todd sits at his computer...
Todd: [singing to tune] Wasting time on Facebook, wasting...god-fucking-damnit! [slams hands on desk and throws bottle against the floor]
Back to piano
Todd: Like, even ignoring the lyrics, this is an annoying song.
Sam: Got hips like honey
So thick and so sweet
Todd (VO): The idea of anyone getting turned on by this meathead telling them their hips are thick and sweet. Just why? Why?
Todd: If there is one positive thing I can say about this song, it's this. It's possibly so successful, that Sam Hunt has decided that he can retire on it and never record again.
Sam: On the highway to heaven
Todd (VO): It's entirely possible. That song came out 11 months ago, and Sam Hunt has yet to release a follow-up, or announce a release date for his next album, or even a title for it. Maybe the guy's just done. Maybe he's racked with writer's block trying to recapture the glory of "Body Like a Back Road."
Todd: Hey...Hey, Sam. If you're listening, here's some ideas I'm spitballing out that would match the irresistible southern charm of "Body Like a Back Road." Ahem. [images of...] Ass like a refrigerator. Sexy as an abandoned Wal-Mart. I literally tried to fuck a tractor this one time. [singing] Tried to fuck a tractor, banged it in the backyard... [sighs] God, that's gonna be in my head now.
Video for "Body Like a Back Road" ends
#2[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): #2.
Todd: Now as most of you know, I am not good at predictions. I get very many things wrong. I tried to play it safe in 2017, and predict things that were pretty much guaranteed to happen like [images of...] La La Land winning Best Picture, Falcons winning the Super Bowl after going twenty-five points ahead, a Republican winning in Alabama. Yeah this has been a rough year for ol' Toddstradamus. So, uh, I'd just like to highlight the one prediction I got right. From back in 2012.
Clip from We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together review
Todd: This is where Taylor Swift started.
Clip of "Tim McGraw"
Taylor: He said the way my blue eyes shined
Todd: And this is where she is now.
Clip of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"
Taylor: I remember when we broke up the first time
Todd: And I can only assume this is what she'll sound like in the future.
Promo shot of Taylor over horribly Dubstepped version of "Haunted"
Taylor: It's getting dark and it's all too quiet
And I can't trust anything now
Todd: [fist-pumping] Who called it!
Taylor: Oh! Look what you made me do
Look what you made me do
Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me
Todd (VO): This was a year of many tragic deaths. We lost many dearly beloved artists in 2017...
Todd: But the most tragic death this year was...
Todd (VO): ...old Taylor Swift, who was brutally murdered by a confused psychopath who makes terrible music. I'm not always the most up-to-the-minute reviewer, but one of the real joys I had in music this year was watching the awfulness of this song [shot of Instagram post: Me before and after listening to #LookWhatYouMadeMeDo] break the internet in real time. And even months later, we're all still reeling from the disaster. Trying to put together how the most self-conscious artist of our time made the least self-aware song of the decade.
Todd: Now I've already detailed the years-long feud with Kanye, but I think the bigger guide to what happened can be found from a little song she released back in 2010.
Clip of Taylor Swift - "Mean"
Taylor: And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?
Todd (VO): See this was her first anti-hater song framed as a simple song about bullying. In it she pretty clearly details her ambitions.
Taylor: Someday I'll be
Living in a big old city
And look where she was...
Todd: ...just a few years later.
Clip of live performance of "Welcome to New York"
Taylor: Welcome to New York
It's been waiting for you
Todd (VO): But more importantly, that song tells us why she wanted to be in a big old city.
Taylor: Someday I'll be
Big enough so you can't hit me
Todd: Oh, honey. Oh no.
Taylor: I'll be
Todd (VO): The fact that Taylor thought no one was going to hurt her if she got big and famous enough...[video for "Look What You Made Me Do"] that's just a Shakespearean tragedy. No wonder she went insane.
Taylor: I don't trust nobody and nobody trusts me
This is not the first Taylor Swift song where she revels in her pop star image, but it's the first time where she doesn't seem like she's enjoying it. Taylor Swift has received a lot of abuse from a lot of people, and I've always suspected most of it was unfair...
Todd: ...but hearing this song was the first time I really believed everything bad I've ever heard about her.
Todd (VO): Not because she's willingly playing the villain, but because she unintentionally reveals herself to be confused, defensive, and insecure just like any actual bully.
Todd: This is Taylor Swift proudly showing off her [image of...] burn book and expecting us to be impressed. Yeah, no.
Todd (VO): Is there any upside? Maybe. Get the feeling we'll never see another song about her haters because as the video shows, she hasn't really thought about anyone but Taylor Swift for a long ass time.
Taylor: Look what you just made me do
Look what you just made me do
And now before we get to #1...
Todd: ...let's look at a few of the songs that deserve dishonorable mentions.
Honorable mentions[edit | edit source]
Logic ft. Alessia Cara and Khalid - "1-800-273-8255"
Logic: I don't wanna be alive
I don't wanna be alive
Todd (VO): I was complaining about how pop music seemed to be disconnected from the zeitgeist.
Todd: But you know what?
Todd (VO): After ten months of this miserable year, the number for the National Suicide Hotline was one of the biggest hits in the country. Yeah...
Todd: That-that sounds about right.
Todd (VO): I got a lot of people saying that this was their worst song of the year, but except for an amazingly misconceived two seconds, I didn't think it was that bad. As always I'm kinder to songs with good intentions, and if it does some good, I'm not gonna complain.
Todd: But oh man, did Logic find the quickest possible way to show that he didn't have a clue what he was talking about in just four amazing words.
Logic: It feel like my life ain't mine (Who can relate? Woo!)
Todd is speechless
Logic: Who can relate? Woo!
Todd: All my ladies with suicidal depression say, "Heeeey!" And all my fellas who have self-endangering mood disorder say, "Hoooo!" When I say self, you say harm!
Julia Michaels - "Issues"
Julia: 'Cause I got issues
Todd (VO): Sucks.
Niall Horan - "Slow Hands"
Todd (VO): Here's another song that's not necessarily the worst ever, but has a truly woeful two seconds. You already know what I'm talking about.
Niall: Slow hands
Like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry
(*DING* WHAT. Arrow pointing at lyrics)
Okay, dirty laundry usually means dirty secrets.
Todd: But that doesn't make any sense, so it can only be...
Todd (VO): ...literal here. Which means...what he's having sex on a pile of gross smelly laundry? Or is he just hanging up his dirty boxers and it's dripping onto the floor?
Todd: What does any of that have to do with slow hands?
Jason Derulo ft. Nicki Minaj and Ty Dolla $ign - "Swalla"
Jason: Swalla-la-la (drank)
Todd (VO): Jason Derulo still sucking in 2017. Most of us won't do anything for as long as Jason Derulo has sucked.
Pink - "What About Us"
Pink: What about us
Todd (VO): Pink really needs to hang it up at this point.
Hailee Steinfeld & Grey ft. Zedd - "Starving"
Hailee: I didn't know that I was starving til I tasted you
Todd (VO): Hailee Steinfeld got an Oscar nomination at age 14, bringing the Coen Brothers' words to life. And now she does this.
Todd throws his hands up
Hailee: Don't need no butterflies when
You give me the whole damn zoo
Todd (VO): [sarcastically] Wow. The whole zoo.
Todd: Oh baby, you don't just give me butterflies. You've got like...rhinos in my stomach. [throws hands again]
Ayo & Teo - "Rolex"
Teo: All I ever wanted was a Rollie, Rollie
Todd (VO): You know what? I'm still not a huge fan of Rae Sremmurd, but I do at least appreciate them now. Enough that I'm offended on their behalf when some copycats show up jocking their style.
Teo: I just want a Rollie, Rollie, Rollie
With a dab of ranch
Todd: Don't dip your luxury jewelry watch in ranch dressing. Yuck. [shot of Urban Dictionary definition] Yes I know what it actually means. Don't @ me. Alright, that's it for that. Now finally, the worst song of the year. Let's do this.
#1[edit | edit source]
Todd (VO): [ominously] #1!
Todd: Now I know what you're asking. Wait...
Clip of "Look What You Made Me Do"
Todd (VO): "Look What You Made Me Do" is not the worst song of the year? How? How is that possible? Well...it's complicated. Now I always liked to say that I rank the worst list based on...
Todd: ...what songs have the least good about them, not the most bad. But honestly, I go back and forth.
Clips from "Perfect" and "Look What You Made Me Do"
Todd (VO): Sometimes I think no taste is worse than bad taste. But this year I mostly ranked the really obnoxious songs as worse than the merely insipid or uninspired. But here's a thought.
Todd: What if somehow someone managed to do both? What if someone released a song that was both [images of guy with fingers in his ears...] unendurably irritating, yet somehow also [...and dull road sign] flavorless and bland at the same time? Well guys, guess what? We got something that managed this remarkable feat. And it is my #1 worst song of the year. [beat] Are you ready for it?
#1. Taylor Swift - "...Ready For It?"
Taylor: Knew he was a killer
First time that I saw him
Todd (VO): Look say what you want about "Look What You Made Me Do," at least it provides psychological insight into Taylor Swift's deteriorating mental state. "...Ready For It?" is just as annoying, but it's still something very different. It's Taylor awkwardly wearing her pop diva costume, attempting to be Beyoncé or Rihanna...
Todd: ...and only ending up looking out of place and destroying whatever made her interesting to begin with.
Taylor: In the middle of the night
In my dreams
Todd (VO): I hate the chorus to this song. I flat hate it. Anyone could've written it. That's the flavorless part of the song. The obnoxious part is the verses...
Todd: ...where Taylor Swift raps and dear God why didn't someone stop her?
Taylor: But if he's a ghost then
I can be a phantom
Todd (VO): I can't even decide what the worst part is.
Todd: Is it the lyrics?
Taylor: He can be my jailer
Burton to this Taylor
Todd facepalms and groans [text appears: "Get it? She's like Liz Taylor cuz her name's Taylor"]
Todd (VO): Or is it the delivery?
Taylor: How this is gon' go
But he act like such a man, so
I see nothing better
Todd: [sarcastically] Why, it's like Iggy Azalea never left us at all.
Taylor: Some, some boys are tryin' too hard
He don't try at all though
Todd (VO): Oh, the nerve of this chick. There is definitely someone trying too hard here, and it's not any boys.
Todd: I don't know what she was thinkin'.
Todd (VO): Like she's sold sexy before, she can do sexy. This is not that.
Todd: And you know what? A lot of people said I brought this on myself because of what I said about "Style."
Clip from The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2015
Todd (VO): I will put up with a hundred "Bad Blood"s if it gets me just one more "Style."
Todd: Yeah, well here's my response.
Clip of "Bad Blood"
Todd (VO): I said I'd put up with a hundred "Bad Bloods."
Todd: Not this.
Taylor: Baby, let the games begin
Let the games begin
Todd (VO): No, I was not ready for it. All I can say is, I can only hope new Taylor also gets killed soon by even newer Taylor...
Todd:...and that even newer Taylor is more listenable than this. [sighs] Peace.
Gets up and leaves
Taylor: Baby, let the games begin
Let the games begin
Let the games begin
Are you ready for it?
Closing Tag Song: Future - "Mask Off"
Last year I took a L but this year I bounce back
This video is owned by me
THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- #17 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #1 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #29 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #22 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #2 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #73 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #12 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #24 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #96 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #91 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #27 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #82 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #84 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #14 in 2017
- #75 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #51 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #38 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #69 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #97 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #1 in 2017
- #9 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #87 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #40 in 2017
- #36 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #32 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #26 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #93 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #3 in 2017
- #8 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #39 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #31 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #85 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #61 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #4 in 2017
- #14 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- #35 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100