The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2014
January 13, 2016
12:56 (Part 1)
14:25 (Part 2)
Todd plays Ellie Goulding - "Love Me Like You Do" on the piano.
THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2015
A year-end review
Todd: In a world of online reviews, only one man, one...brave soul waits to release his top tens for the year until mid-January!
- Montage clips of The Weeknd - "The Hills"; Drake - "Hotline Bling"; Adele - "Hello"; Justin Bieber - "What Do You Mean?"; Major Lazor & DJ Snake ft. MØ - "Lean On"; Taylor Swift - "Wildest Dreams"; David Guetta ft. Nicki Minaj, Bebe Rexha & Afrojack - "Hey Mama"; WALK THE MOON - "Shut Up And Dance"; Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth - "See You Again"; Fetty Wap - "Trap Queen"; Meghan Trainor - "Lips Are Movin"; and OMI - "Cheerleader"
Todd (VO): I mean seriously, why am I the only one who waits? The year's not over until it's over! I saw some publications put up their best of the year lists in November! It's like Christmas ads, it just keeps rolling further and further. Hell people are doing a whole "Christmas in July" thing now. [picture of publication's "The 50 Best Albums of 2015 ... So Far] Best of the year. So far. Nothing has happened yet! I, however, prudently choose to not even start working on these babies until the year is good and over so I don't miss anything. Who knows what utter monstrosities might sneak in under the wire! I'm not procrastinating!
Todd: I'm being thorough! [beat] Okay I'll admit, I did drag my feet a little bit doing the worst list this year. 'Cause I'll be honest, I didn't really hate all that much! I mean, in fact...
Todd (VO): ...I quite like a lot of the year! After the awful, awful year that was 2014, 2015 was a goddamn relief. I mean [clip of "Pretty Girls" by Britney Spears and...] did Iggy Azalea have a hit this year? No. See? Much better year. Can't wait to do my best list. I almost don't wanna drag myself through the dregs when pop music took such a notable uptake!
Todd: In fact it's not too late to skip this list, is it? Can we go right to the best...ah, nah, you'd probably kill me. Alright, let's do this. We're counting down...
- Clip of Big Sean ft. E-40 - "I Don't Fuck With You", which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.
- Big Sean: I don't fuck with you
Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2015!
- Big Sean: ...you
- You little, you little dumb ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you
Todd (VO): #10.
Todd: I don't know how to say this, but um...I'm too old for this shit.
#10. T-Wayne - "Nasty Freestyle"
- T-Wayne: First let me hop out the motherfucking Porsche.
- Don't want it if that ass don't sit like a horse.
Todd (VO): Look. I'm in my 30's. In pop music terms, I'm ready for the nursing home. I'm just sitting at home listening to all my old LPs on my hi-fi while the whippersnappers listen to their tween core on Snapgram or whatever the hell.
Todd: So let me be clear that while I do hate that this song got big, I hate how it got big even more.
Todd (VO): Let me explain. This is T-Wayne, who is currently tied with [album cover of Tha Carter VI by...] Young Thug for "World's Most Generic Rap Name." I've never heard of him, and had I not had to do this list, I literally would have never heard this song. I don't know that anyone really has heard this song! It didn't seem to get any radio play or sell any records. It got famous the same way that...
Todd: ..."Harlem Shake" did. It was a soundtrack for a...
Todd (VO): [Clip of a "Harlem Shake" video] ...stupid meme! Except that "Harlem Shake" at least was tied to something weird enough that I get why it went viral. [Clip montage of various Vines using "Nasty Freestyle."] This got big off a meme not funny enough to mention that spread entirely through Vines, which you might recall are six seconds long! Most people who have heard this song only know the first couple lines! This is without exaggeration the stupidest way anyone has ever gotten a hit song! The idea that someone got famous off of Vines...
Todd: ...infuriates me! And I'm famous on YouTube!
- T-Wayne: Toilet seat ass nigga, man I swear you getting peed on.
Todd (VO): And this is very clear that there is absolutely no way this song would get big on the merits of it being an actual song, cause it isn't. And it's basically just a demo. There's no chorus, it's just...him rapping about how great he is which he is demonstrably not.
- T-Wayne: Got a tiger as a pet, I just took him to the vet.
Todd: Turns out my tiger has lymphoma. It's very sad.
- T-Wayne: I just took him to the vet.
Todd (VO): And what's with the vocals dying at the end of that line? Usually you do that for a curse word or on the word "down" so you can drop the beat, not just at the end of a random sentence.
Todd: Kinda just sounds like the DJ wants you to stop, I certainly do!
- T-Wayne: Been about the money I ain't worried 'bout the fame
- I'm 'bout to have everybody saying "Who is Ricky Wayne?"
Todd (VO): Don't mistake confusion for interest, you nobody!
Todd: Vines... This is not the future I was promised!
- T-Wayne: I'm the king of this shit. Crown by the toilet.
- That me.
Todd (VO): #9.
Todd: Look, I put a country song on here, and it is not bro-country.
- Clip of Sam Hunt - "House Party"
Sam Hunt: We'll have a house party...
Todd (VO): It's not that bro-country has magically gone away or gotten better, I've just become numb to it, it's the same song over and over again. I feel kinda bad about that, I really should include at least one because it's such a plague over the entire genre.
Todd: And instead the song I picked is uh...sung by women.
#9. Little Big Town - "Girl Crush"
- Karen Fairchild: I've got a girl crush.
- Hate to admit it but...
Todd (VO): I heard about the controversy of this song long before I ever actually listened to it. [Picture of article with headline "Why stations are pulling Little Big Town's 'Girl Crush' -- and what that says about country radio] Country song about lesbians, huh? Well, that's gutsy, I'm impressed.
Todd: Can't wait to hear it.
- Karen: I got a girl crush.
Todd (VO): This is...weirdly somber for a song about lesbian curiosity.
- Little Big Town: I wanna taste her lips
- Yeah, cause they taste like you
Todd (VO): What?!
Todd: Oh you gotta be shitting me.
- Little Big Town: I want her long blonde hair
- I want her magic touch
- Yeah cause maybe then
- You'd want me just as much
Todd (VO): I didn't think they could make a song about girl-on-girl that was more horseshit than [Single cover for Katy Perry's...] "I Kissed a Girl," but Little Big Town pulled it off. "I wanna kiss a girl, because I'm so into a guy."
Todd: What the hell is this?
- Karen: The way that she's pulling you in
Todd (VO): The more I hear this song, the more it makes my skin crawl. It promises one thing then pusses out because it doesn't wanna be actually edgy. But of course even that much was too edgy for some. But even without the copout, "tee-hee just kidding, no homo," I have absolutely no idea what purpose this serves. I'd call it just a tease, but it's too mopey to be hot; I'd call it a song about sexual confusion except it focuses so much on the bait and switch; I'd call it a joke song except it's so serious. Whatever it is, it's complete and thorough bullshit!
- Karen: I got a girl crush
Todd (VO): "Girl crush," are you serious? That's like finding out at the end of Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise" that it was made out of tofu!
Todd: Look, like boys, like girls, whatever. Just don't lie to me!
- Karen: ...it ain't slowing down
Todd (VO): #8.
- Clip of Nicki Minaj - "Stupid Hoe"
- Nicki: You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe
- You a stupid hoe, you a, you a stupid hoe
Todd (VO): [Nervous laugh]...Yeah, look at [adds picture of...] that dislike bar. Whoa.
Todd: [Shrugging] I never minded this song!
- Clip of "Va Va Voom"
Todd (VO): See, these are the songs by Nicki Minaj I disliked, the pop stuff! The sell-out stuff! I've never hated the Nicki songs that people tell me to hate. [Back to...] "Stupid Hoe"? Didn't hate it. [Then to...] "Anaconda"? I...I like that song more and more! When she's doing her pure hip hop shtick, I think she's, you know, normally, she's untouchable! So it really, really pains me to say that I finally, finally managed to find a Nicki Minaj rap song...
Todd: ...that I couldn't justify even the tiniest bit.
#8. Nicki Minaj ft. Drake, Lil Wayne, and Chris Brown - "Only"
- Chris Brown: Nothing but real niggas only
- Bad bitches only
- Rich niggas only
Todd (VO): To be fair, this is more of a Young Money group joint, so there's plenty of blame to go around. I usually thought Nicki was good enough to not let Young Money drag her down with them. [Clip of...] I didn't even think her verse on "Bedrock" was that bad!
- Nicki: And I just be coming off on top: asbestos
Todd (VO): ...okay, maybe it is, but...
Todd: ...this is so much worse!
- Nicki: Hoes couldn't test me even if they name was Pop Quiz
Todd (VO): I mean, first off, the beat is absolutely terrible. And the hook is sung by Chris Brown, which, you know, this is all you need to know there. I keep trying to wash my hands of Chris Brown and he just keeps showing back up like a, like a herpes virus.
Todd: And it starts off so well!
- Nicki: I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake
- All my life, man, fuck's sake
Todd: That's right, you sexist! What kind of girl do you think she is?
- Nicki: If I did, I'd menage with 'em and let 'em eat my ass like a cupcake
- Todd: [Raising his arms in confusion] Or or...not? [Shrugs]
- Nicki: I don't duck nobody but tape
- Yeah. That was a setup, for a punchline on duct tape
[Cricket noises, Todd sighs]
Todd (VO): You know, normally you shouldn't have to clarify things like that, but...yeah, it's a good thing she did, because I, I wouldn't have realized that was supposed to be a punchline otherwise! I mean, I know we all love a good duct tape joke, but that one wasn't really a knee slapper.
- Nicki: Dinner with my man in a G5's my idea of a update
Todd (VO): And that was the good rapper! It's only downhill from here!
- Drake: I never fucked Nicki 'cause she got a man
- But when that's over then I'm first in line
Todd: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, Drake.
- Drake: You know L.A. traffic, how the city slow
- She was sitting down on that big butt
- But I was still staring at the titties though
Todd (VO): Oh my god, Drake! And you wonder why your ex doesn't call you on your cell phone anymore?
Todd: Shut up. Shut up!
Todd (VO): Oh and let's not forget [Picture of...] genetically modified Gila monster Lil Wayne.
- Lil Wayne: I never fucked Nicki, that's fucked up
- If I did fuck, she'd be fucked up
- Whoever is hitting ain't hitting it right
- 'Cause she act like she need dick in her life
Todd: Oh my god, Nicki, why do you put up with this idiot? Shouldn't he be off...
- [Clip from Star Trek...]
Todd (VO): ...fighting Captain Kirk or something? What do you even get out of being associated with Young Money anymore? Just cut 'em loose, Nicki, they're making you dumber!
Todd (VO): #7.
- Clip of Selena Gomez ft. A$AP Rocky - "Good for You"
- Selena: I just wanna look good for you
- Good for you, uh-huh
- I just wanna...
Todd (VO): Is anyone else creeped out by this? She still looks like she's 10. Anyway.
Todd: Look, I have no real idea why Selena Gomez even exists in pop culture.
- Clip of "Come & Get It"
Todd (VO): I'm not sure what she offers anyone except those weird dudes that are creepily invested in watching Disney princesses become legal, which I guess is at least something to somebody. But other than that...
Todd: ...what else is there to her?
#7. Selena Gomez - "Same Old Love"
- Selena: I'm so sick of that same old love
- That shit, it tears me up
- I'm so sick of that same...
Todd: Well, I'm so sick of that same old Selena Gomez song, so we're even.
- Selena: Take away your things and go
Todd (VO): See, this is why I wait to make these lists until January, when no one cares anymore. If I hadn't, this wouldn't have made it onto the list! Of course, no one cares about this song either, so I'm probably not gonna get any credit for that. I doubt this made anyone else' list, but the first second I heard it, I totally...
Todd: ...utterly hated it.
Todd (VO): This isn't even a sexy song, so what's the point? It's not like she has much of a singing voice or a personality. I'm not a fan of Miley Cyrus, but Miley Cyrus has a vision. Miley Cyrus wants to be there. And Demi Lovato, Ariana Grande, they're all good singers, and they seem to enjoy singing. But Selena Gomez seems to be a pop singer for the same reason that [poster of...] Jeb Bush is running for President.
Todd: Eh, what else am I gonna do?
- Selena: Oh...
Todd (VO): By the way, it's worth noting that this was written by [single cover of "Break the Rules" by...] Charli XCX, a.k.a. the good Selena Gomez, which is how you know this song is gonna be bad. If it was any good, she would've sung it herself.
- Selena: I'm so sick of that same old love
- My body's had enough
Todd (VO): Passing this off as a song is like passing off [picture of...] a chassis as a full car.
Todd (VO): #6.
- Clip of Meghan Trainor ft. John Legend - "Like I'm Gonna Lose You"
- Meghan: I found myself dreaming
Todd: So, um...Meghan Trainor continues to be a blight on humanity.
Todd (VO): Well at least she has range! It's good to know that in addition to being skin-crawlingly obnoxious, she can make the inert mom music that seems to have an increasing share of the pop charts. Not only that, now she's dragging good artists down with her. John Legend used to be interesting, I swear to God.
- Meghan and John: So I'm gonna love you
- Like I'm gonna lose you
Todd: This isn't on the list, I just...don't have much more to say about the other one.
- Meghan: Dear future husband
- Here's a few things you things you need to know
- If you wanna be my one and only all my life
Todd (VO): "Dear Future Husband" might as well be named "Love You Like I'm Trying To Lose You." I remember when [Clip of...] "All About That Bass" came out last year, it was still up in the air whether Meghan Trainor's well-intentioned but flawed self-empowerment anthem showed potential or just stupidity.
She immediately answered that question with her second song, "Dear Future Husband." I was relieved when that release got canceled in favor of [Clip from...] "Lips Are Moving," which is halfway tolerable, but then they went again and released this again anyway! She knows who her audience is: [Picture of...] conservative, 35 year-old moms who probably read Twilight...
Todd: ...and anyone who's gonna end up that way in the future.
Todd (VO): So yeah. Turned out that Meghan Trainor was a garden variety idiot. Hooray. God help whatever poor schmuck turns out to be her "dear future husband." By the way, it's sure not gonna be John Legend, who's married to a supermodel, and not a teenager who calls her ass her boom-boom! Sorry...
Todd: ...I'm still not over that.
Todd (VO): #5.
- Silentó: Ooh! Watch me! Watch me!
- Ooh! Watch me! Watch me!
- Ooh! Watch me! Watch me!
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Ooh! Watch me! Watch me!
- Ooh! Watch me...
Todd looks angry as this line repeats.
- Silentó: You already know what it is!
Todd (VO): Well this song is still awful! Let's see what Silentó's been up to since he released this. [Capture of Todd looking at...] Well his YouTube page has updated literally no new songs. A couple interviews here, though. Let's see.
- Female Silentó Fan: I'm here in VEVO ready to meet Silentó. My favorite dance in the video's gotta be either "Bop" or "Break Your Legs."
Todd (VO): Favorite dance in the video? Why restrict yourself to the ones in the video? None of them have anything to do with him! You may as well include [Picture of...] the Viennese Waltz! "Hey, what's your favorite Silentó lyric?" Yeah, no one's gonna ask that.
Todd: Mine is "Stank stank, stank stank!"
Clip of a live performance of "Watch Me" with a crowd of children dancing along.
- Silentó: ...watch me Whip. (Kill it!)
- Watch me Nae Nae. (Okay!)
- Now watch me Whip...
Todd (VO): I see Silentó invited all his classmates. Mrs. Sanderson at Jefferson Hill Elementary must be very proud of the star student of her Third Grade class!
- Fan from earlier hugs Silentó.
Well that's sweet. Wonder how hard it was to find someone who was excited to meet Silentó?
Back to capture of Todd on YouTube. He types "Silento" into the search bar.
Eh, what else do we have here? Dessert... [He selects "silento dessert" from the search suggestions, and clicks video titled "Dawin - Dessert ft. Silentó"] Oh, he's on someone else's song. Okay, what's this?
- Silentó: They can't imitate you, the way your body's moving
Todd (VO): Eh, this is not too ba--
- Dawin (chipmunk voice): What'cha gon', what'cha gonna do with that dessert? :[Scat raps]
Todd is stunned
Todd: ...oh yeah, I remember this.
Todd (VO): I heard it once, and never again. Probably because the world realized that the annoying chipmunk voice was a terrible idea back around 2010! Note to self: remember this when you do the One Hit Wonderland episode on this guy. [Beat] This is Silentó's actual voice, by the way.
- Silentó: Watch me! Watch me! Ooh!
- Stanky Leg! Do the Stanky Leg! (Stank stank!)
Todd: Do the next!
Todd (VO): #4.
- Video begins. Taylor Swift knocks a goon out with her suitcase. Selena Gomez blows smoke in her face, takes her suitcase, and kicks her out a window.
- Taylor: Cause baby now we got bad blood
- You know we used to be mad love
Todd hits his head in anger as Taylor continues singing.
Todd: Turns out Taylor Swift can do more than just angrily blast her exes and critics. Turns out she can also blast her friends!
#4. Taylor Swift ft. Kendrick Lamar - "Bad Blood"
- Taylor: Now we got bad blood
- You know it used to be mad love
- So take a look what you've done
Todd (VO): I'll be straight with you, I didn't have a lot of guy friends in high school. Surprise. I did however have quite a few girl friends.
Todd: Not, you know, girlfriends. Again surprise, but...
Todd (VO): ...you know, female friends. And um...being one of the girls actually really sucks because they were always angry at each other for some stupid reason and trying to unravel the web of drama would make my head wanna explode! Thought the situation might change when I tried having mostly guy friends instead, but...uh, turns out that guys aren't entirely immune to this either, so...
Todd: ...now I have no friends, and that's worked pretty well for me.
- Cut to picture of children laying on their backs in a circle with the word "FRIENDS" at the top in comic sans.
Todd (VO): Friends! Who needs 'em?
- NOT WORTH IT
- screw 'em
Todd: So yeah, the point is that anything that reminds me of girl drama makes me break out in hives. I'm not saying that's why I hate...
Todd (VO): ..."Bad Blood." I'm explaining that "Bad Blood" had an uphill battle to make me like it, seeing as [Picture of cast of...] Mean Girls gives me PTSD and I've already heard way too much of Taylor Swift smugly trashing other people without any hint of self-reflection. But no, that's not why I hate it. I don't actually care about her petty little high school...
Todd: ...drama with...well reportedly it's...
Picture of Taylor next to a picture of...
Todd (VO): ...Katy Perry. Yeah, apparently her and Katy Perry are beefing. Which is shocking because song after song of Taylor Swift trashing other people made her seem so easy to get along with! But no, that's not why I hate it.
Todd: I hate it because it sounds like dogshit!
- Taylor: Oh, it's so sad...
Todd (VO): I'm back and forth on the new pop Taylor Swift, but there is no doubt that this is by far the worst she's ever sounded.
- Taylor: Cause baby now we got bad blood
Todd (VO): Why does this song sound like this? Random "hey"'s, trap snares. This is easily her all-time shittiest production, and all-time clunkiest hook!
- Taylor: You know it used to be mad love
- So take a look what you've done
- Kendrick Lamar: Uh! Uh!
Todd (VO): [sarcastically imitating the hook] Duh duh duh, duh-uh-uh! Duh duh duh, duh-uh-uh! Sounds like a little kid wrote this! You made a really deep cut! Didn't Taylor Swift used to have a way with words? How best to convey the pain of a shattered friendship?
- Taylor: Cause baby now we got bad blood
- You know it used to be mad love
Todd: [imitating a gangsta] Used to be mad love, yo! Where's the love, homie?
Todd (VO): At the very least, I hope Kendrick Lamar made a few bucks. Though this is probably the worst, least interested Kendrick Lamar verse I've ever heard. I, I really hope this doesn't continue. He's already...[Lyrics for Kendrick Lamar - "The Blacker The Berry"]...the biggest hypocrite of 2015. He doesn't need to be the biggest sellout of 2016 either!
Todd: Of all things, this is what gets Kendrick Lamar a #1 hit. Pfft.
- Taylor: And baby now we got bad blood
Todd (VO): #3.
Todd: I'll be honest. Some years, making the worst list is fun. This year it wasn't fun. Most of the worst songs this year aren't bad in the funny way. They just sound like ass.
#3. Fifth Harmony ft. Kid Ink - "Worth It"
- Camila Cabello: Give it to me I'm worth it
- Baby I'm worth it
- Uh-huh I'm worth it
Todd (VO): Remember when I said that despite all its problems I liked the beat to Jason Derulo's "Talk Dirty"? I think maybe I didn't, because here's a song that lifts the song's sax riff—I mean it's basically identical—and I hate every second of it!
Todd: Can I ask? Who the fuck is Fifth Harmony?
- Dinah Jane: Gimme you, just gimme you
- Just gimme you, that's all I wanna do
Todd (VO): I know close to nothing about this group. The only thing I've gathered is that they have one of the most bizarrely intense fandoms this side of My Little Pony. I do find it interesting that Fifth Harmony don't do a second of actual harmonizing on this song. Who are Fifth Harmony? On the evidence of this, they appear to be the answer to the question...
Todd: "What if the Pussycat Dolls had even less charisma or talent?"
- Cabello: Give it to me, I'm worth it
Todd (VO): There must be something I'm missing here. Cause again, Fifth Harmony have a crazy nuts fanbase, but I certainly couldn't tell you what. This is pointless, sexless, and empty. It's just a hollow shell of a song. Another one of those pop songs that I figure all pop songs sound like to people who hate pop songs.
- Kid Ink: Okay
Todd (VO): Oh, and uh...Kid Rock is on...uh...Kid...Kid Icarus? I don't know, that guy.
- Kid Ink: What you acting shy for?
- With it, with it
- What you acting shy for?
Todd (VO): She's not being shy, that's the point of this...
Todd: Look, who cares?
Todd (VO): What this reminds me most of is a low-rent will.i.am song. Just...a bunch of hooks slammed together soullessly and incoherently.
Todd: God, I miss the Spice Girls!
- Cabello: Give it to me I'm worth it
Todd (VO): #2.
#2. Rachel Platten - "Fight Song"
- Rachel Platten: This is my Fight Song!
Todd (VO): [singing along] It isn't very good!
Todd: Needs a few rewrites!
- Rachel: Like a small boat
- On the ocean
Todd (VO): This song just straight up pisses me off. Why does it exist? I mean, it's every bit as generic as its title implies. And Rachel Platten? Probably my pick for the worst artist of 2015. Not because she doesn't make good music...
Todd: ...but because I'm fairly certain she will never make good music!
Todd (VO): There's literally nothing about her worth commenting on. She has no personality and no guts. She's a vaguely human-shaped mannequin that Columbia Records is trying to convince you is a person!
- Rachel: ...been two years
- I miss my home
Todd (VO): No actually, nah, that's not fair, there is a little something here. See, I hate most empowerment anthems because they're just so blandly competent, but "Fight Song" stands out. By...
Todd: ...projecting astonishing weakness!
Todd (VO): This song is probably inspiring to someone, I guess. Someone who has literally never heard a song before. But, you know, I hate to break it to 'em: if this is your Fight Song...
Todd: ...you're going to lose! Here, this is my Fight Song.
- Clip of Iron Maiden - "The Trooper"
- Bruce Dickinson: The Bugle sounds and the charge begins!
- But on this battlefield, no one wins!
Todd (VO): I mean, I'll give her this: Rachel Platten sounds like someone who does need a Fight Song, but she's not the person who can actually write one.
Rachel: I might only have one match
- But I can make an explosion
Todd: Yeah! She's gonna explode on ya!
Cut to generic grey background. A small puff of fire appears accompanied by a stock smoke sound effect.
- Rachel: This is my Fight Song!
Todd (VO): Lit farts pack more punch than this song! Taylor Swift managed to kick more ass while whining about petty drama than Rachel Platten could if she had the entire Klingon army behind her! You rename this "Fail Song," it would be more accurate.
- Rachel: No I still got a lotta fight left in me
Todd: [Sigh] And now, some honorable mentions.
Maroon 5 - "Sugar"
- Adam Levine: Sugar, yes please
Todd (VO): The year that Maroon 5 redeemed themselves...not 2015. And this is actually one of the more tolerable Maroon 5 songs in recent memory. I just wanted...you to know, that at their best they're still goddamn terrible.
O.T. Genasis - "CoCo"
- O.T. Genasis: I'm in love with the CoCo, CoCo
Todd (VO): Another Vine rapper. If there are any other songs that get big off of Vine, just put them on my worst list automatically.
Justin Bieber - "Sorry"
- Justin: Is it too late now to say sorry?
Todd (VO): Being honest, I actually don't mind this song at all. In fact I honestly kinda like it. It's just...Christ, Bieber's such a shit!
- Justin: You gotta go and get angry at all of my honesty
Todd (VO): My god, Bieber, you're such a terrible human being!
Todd: What the hell is wrong with you?
iLoveMemphis - "Hit the Quan"
- iLoveMemphis: Hit the Quan! Hit the Quan! Hit the Quan!
Todd: No, I'm not gonna hit the Quan. The Quan never did anything to me.
Todd (VO): Literally the only reason why "Watch Me" made the list and this didn't is that this actually has lyrics.
Todd: Oh, setting low bars today, aren't we?
- Shawn: I'm without your kisses
Todd (VO): You suck, Mendes! You suck.
Nick Jonas - "Chains"
- Nick: You got me in chains
- You got me in chains for your love
Todd (VO): Whenever I get annoyed at The Weeknd's dark, sexy R&B guy schtick, I remind myself that it can always, always be worse.
Usher ft. Juicy J - "I Don't Mind"
- Usher: Shawty I don't mind
- If you dance on a pole
- That don't make you a hoe (One more time!)
Todd (VO): You know, sometimes hip hop guys like Usher here—they'll try to be sensitive and remember that strippers, you know, strippers they constantly sing about, spend all their time around, they're people too! I mean, they have jobs and lives and needs and families. And in this song, Usher's all like, "I don't mind that you're a stripper, I respect your autonomy, I'm not jealous." Which, you know that's fine, that's good as far as it goes, but, I just...
Todd: ...you know there are women that aren't strippers, right?
R. City ft. Adam Levine - "Locked Away"
- Adam: If I got locked away...
Todd (VO): Oh my Christ, again? Who the hell's gonna lock you away, Levine? You're not a gangster!
Todd: You're the Derek Zoolander of music!
- Adam: Would you still love me the same?
Todd: And finally, we've reached the end. What is the worst song of the year? You ready? [Sigh] Let's do this.
Todd (VO): (ominously) #1.
Todd sits silently for a couple seconds, which is suddenly interrupted by a clip for...
- Jason Derulo: Wiggle wiggle wiggle!
- Wiggle wiggle wiggle!
Todd (VO): No, I didn't make "Wiggle" the worst song two years in a row. Well, maybe I should! And for every year in the future. It's not like anyone's gonna complain.
Todd: But no, I'm bringing it up here to make a point.
Todd (VO): A point about how, well, there's a spectrum, and how one extreme is often just as bad as the other. "Wiggle" is a terrible song. But why? Well, it's a song about sex that's gross, dumb, and just plain ugly to listen to. Why do we have to hear a song this crass and unpleasant? Why do we have to listen to music written by testicle-brained jack-offs? Why can't we just have...
Todd: ...nice songs?
- Video begins
- Announcer: And now, Charlie Puth.
#1. Charlie Puth ft. Meghan Trainor - "Marvin Gaye"
- Charlie Puth: Let's Marvin Gaye and get it on!
- You got the healing that I want!
Todd (VO): Things lamer than this song: [Accompanied with empty list titled as such] Do they exist?
- 1. ?
Todd: Might they exist some day in the future? [Shrugs] We can only speculate! All I can tell you that is this is...
Todd (VO): ...one of the most inexplicable songs I've ever heard! What on Earth possessed Charlie Puth—a guy who possesses all the raw sexuality of [Picture of...] Barney the Dinosaur if he'd been chemically castrated—what led him to write a tribute to Marvin Gaye? Who on Earth decided it should be a duet with Meghan Trainor, who talks about sex with all the authority of the 40-Year-Old Virgin?! Who in the world allowed this to happen?!
- Charlie and Meghan: Let's Marvin Gaye and get it on
Todd (VO): If this was any other song, the fact that they decided to use Marvin Gaye's name as a verb would be the stupidest thing about it.
Todd: Let's Pink Floyd and put another brick in the wall!
Todd (VO): But that idiotic conceit is actually one of the less insulting things about it. It's an affront to Marvin Gaye, to his music...
Todd: ...and to the idea of sex in general.
- Charlie: It's Kama Sutra show-and-tell
Todd (VO): I mean there's unsexy, and then there's this. Not only am I certain that neither of these two people have had sex, I don't even think they're members of a species that even reproduces sexually!
Todd: I think they might create offspring by just [Clip of...] splitting in half like amoebas.
- Charlie and Meghan: Whoa there's loving in your eyes...
Todd (VO): I mean, Christ, it doesn't even sound like Marvin Gaye! This is 50's doo-wop! Marvin Gaye made Motown soul!
- Charlie: I got that healing that you want
Todd (VO): "Let's get it on"? "Sexual healing"? You don't magically get Marvin Gaye's mojo just by name checking songs that actually are hot!
- Charlie and Meghan: I'm screaming "Mercy, mercy please"
Todd: [Pressing fingers in his eyes in disbelief] "Mercy Mercy Me" is a song [Clip from said song] about the environment, you vapid eunuchs!
Todd (VO): Oh God, why don't you just say, "Let's get it on and huh! War! What is it good for?" And that's not even by Marvin Gaye, which would make it perfect for this song. I doubt either of these two morons know that.
Todd: God, Charlie Puth. How are you... Hey, wait a minute. Is Charlie Puth Meghan Trainor's...
Todd (VO): ..."Dear Future Husband?" Of course! There's a disgustingly perfect match. Well, I hope the two of you are very happy together.
Todd: Although, don't ever sing this again. Maybe rename it...
Todd (VO): [Clip from...]" Let's Captain & Tennille and Muskrat Love." That would fit you two better.
Todd makes a "pfft" sound, makes a dismissive gesture, gets up, and leaves.
- Charlie and Meghan: Let's Marvin Gaye and get it on! Ooh!
Closing tag song: Sia - "Elastic Heart"
This video is owned by me
I can't wait til we can break up outta here
THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!
- ↑ #13 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 10 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 30 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 35 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 33 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 16 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 57 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 31 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 3 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 22 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 11 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ 1 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #47 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #50 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #63 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #51 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #6
- ↑ #74 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #8 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #15 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #23 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #20 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #5 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #79 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ Not on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; peaked at #1
- ↑ #83 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #36 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #68 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #55 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #40 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #75 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
- ↑ #52 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100