The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2013

Top ten worst hit songs of 2013 by thebutterfly-d71u5l6.jpg

Date Aired
January 11, 2014
Running Time
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Introduction[edit | edit source]

Todd plays Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko - "Stay"[1] on the piano.

A year-end retrospective

Todd: Good fucking riddance!

Montage of clips of Miley Cyrus - "We Can't Stop"[2]; Pink ft. Nate Ruess - "Just Give Me a Reason"[3]; Lorde - "Royals"[4]; Justin Timberlake - "Mirrors"[5]; Miley Cyrus - "Wrecking Ball"[6]; Eminem ft. Rihanna - "The Monster"[7]; Imagine Dragons - "Radioactive"[8]; Ylvis - "The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?)"[9]; Macklemore and Ryan Lewis ft. Ray Dalton - "Can't Hold Us"[10]; and Lady Gaga - "Applause"[11]

Todd (VO): No, seriously, 2013 can go screw itself. Just burn the yearbooks for this one, I don't even want to record it for posterity. This was just the worst year for music that I can even remember. What an awful, awful twelve months it was. And it's not just me saying that either. The reviews are in. 2013—the worst year of music in recent memory. In fact, this year would've been better by being even more terrible. But unfortunately, pop seemed to be just operating at a 4/10 throughout.

Todd: Goddamn, I'm grateful [clip of Miley Cyrus grinding Robin Thicke at VMAs] for the Twerktastrophe of 2013; at least it was a thing, in a year where music just didn't seem to matter anymore. Even the individual genre charts were disappointing.

Clips of ASAP Rocky ft. Drake, 2 Chainz, and Kendrick Lamar - "Fuckin' Problems"[12]; AWOLNATION - "Sail"[13]; Luke Bryan - "Crash My Party"[14]; Bruno Mars - "When I Was Your Man"[15]; Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch - "Sweet Nothing"[16]

Todd (VO): Rap struggled for mainstream relevance, rock has almost disappeared completely, country music is barely even recognizable, and almost everything we had left was soulless garbage. Just awful, awful, awful all year round. Even putting together a Worst list this year was difficult because so little was worth caring about one way or the other.

Todd: Things have gotta get better, right? Like I can't...I can't even... I,I just wanna get this over with. So, with perpetual lateness, I present to you...

Clip of Taylor Swift - "I Knew You Were Trouble"[17], which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown
Taylor: Oh! Oh! Trouble

Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2013!

Taylor: Trouble, trouble
I knew you were trouble

#10[edit | edit source]

Todd (VO): #10.

Clip of Ed Sheeran - "Lego House"
Ed: And it's dark in a cold December

Todd (VO): Hey, Ed Sheeran.

Todd: Hey, you know how I said some mean things about you?

Todd (VO): How I said that you were an ugly dork who writes embarrassingly clumsy songs about subjects that are way out of your depth and make you seem like a little kid wearing his dad's clothes? I don't know if I said all those things exactly, but I certainly meant to. [chuckles a little]

Todd: Mr. Sheeran, I am so, so sorry.

#10. Passenger - "Let Her Go"[18]

Passenger (Michael Rosenberg): Well, you only need the light when it's burning low

Todd (VO): Passenger's "Let Her Go" was destined from the beginning to make this list. One, it's from my favorite genre, [picture of said genre stamped with no symbol, caption reading that none are allowed] the white guy with acoustic guitar.

Todd: And secondly, why, are those some familiar chords I hear?

Passenger: [intercut with brief flashes of "Four Chord Song" bar]
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Todd: [laughing turning to "get it off"] God, oh God.

Passenger: Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Todd (VO): More than anything, "Let Her Go" shows me that I was way too hard on Ed Sheeran. I mean, Ed's trying. He comes up with halfway creative rhymes and melodies and chord structures about interesting topics. On the opposite end, you've got Passenger. Passenger's only this one guy, by the way.

Passenger: Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart

Todd (VO): Unlike other WGWAGs (pronounced WigWag), Passenger doesn't sound like a douchebag, and he's not obnoxiously happy. But while those are common traits, the #1 thing that a bad WGWAG song has is a complete lack of talent, musical or lyrical. And while that willowy English voice might fool you, let me make it clear right now. This song is...

Todd: ...brainless.

Passenger: Only know you love her when you let her go

Todd (VO): The way he uses the word "you" there implies some kind of universal wisdom, but you know what? Leave me the hell out of it. "And you only know you love her when you let her go."

Todd: If you're an idiot!

Passenger: Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home

Todd: And trust me, the rest of the song is just as dumb. In fact, in basically all matters of substance, this is a hair metal ballad.

Clip of Cinderella's...
Cinderella: Don't know what you got 'til it's gone

Todd: This is "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" minus the stupid, cheesy parts that gave it its charm. If only the lyrics were as good, but they're so hacky that even Bret Michaels looks like a poet laureate in comparison.

Passenger: Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home

Todd: [singing] You only hate elves when you're missing gnomes
You only hate Safari when you're missing Chrome

And you only miss Ed Sheeran when you're listening to Passenger, I guess.

Passenger: And you let her go


#9[edit | edit source]

Todd (VO): #9.

Todd: I'm reading the year-end roundups, and it looks like this is confirming what I already suspected—this was the broiest year in country music history.

Clip of Florida Georgia Line - "Cruise"
Florida Georgia Line: Baby you a song

Todd (VO): Yes, country music has become awash with Chevy-drivin', ball cap-wearin', beer-drinkin' ne'er-do-wells who have absolutely nothin' on their minds but girls and big ol' trucks.

Todd: They're not here for a long time (...hopefully.), just a good time.

Clip of Billy Currington - "Hey Girl"
Billy: Hey girl
What ya think, girl

Todd (VO): Country music is experiencing what is, in all likelihood, the stupidest point in its existence. And I got so many to pick from if I wanna pick one to represent the worst of the worst.

Clips of...
Blake Shelton: Yeah, the boys 'round here

Todd (VO): Blake Shelton's "Boys 'Round Here"[19]? Nah, that one's too silly.

Luke Bryan: Got that suntan skirt and...

Todd (VO): Luke Bryan's "That's My Kinda Night"[20]? Ooh, that's one's pretty awful. But at least it's an interesting awful; it at least has some kind of flavor to it.

Todd: No, if I'm gonna pick out the worst of the worst, I gotta stick with the one that brought me to the dance.

#9. Florida Georgia Line ft. Nelly - "Cruise (remix)"[21]

FL GA Line and Nelly: Baby you a song
You make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise

Todd (VO): Florida Georgia Line are the faces of bro country for me, mostly because they look the most like bros, especially that one on the right. Is it just me, or is that the guy from Creed [Scott Stapp]? I wondered what he'd been up to.

And "Cruise" is, in fact, impressively meatheaded.

FL GA Line and Nelly: Baby you a song
You make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise

Todd (VO): I mean, what the hell kind of pickup line was that? It's not, like, a joke or anything.

Todd: You must be an angel 'cause I wanna have sex with you.

FL GA Line: And this brand new Chevy with a lift kit
Nelly: Hey!

Todd (VO): And "Cruise" made my list not just because it was stupid, but because, of all the hick-hop, country rap party jams that we got this year, "Cruise (remix)" was, by far, the blandest. Musical mush. It's country and rap with none of either's strong points or even its memorable points.

Todd: And for the record, it is now officially [Saving Country Music article proclaiming...] the biggest country hit of all time because Billboard has apparently forgotten what country music actually is.

Nelly: My windows down, my seats back

Todd (VO): Matter of fact, fun story. Have you ever tuned into one of those...

Todd: ...really white pop stations that will cut the rap verses out of songs, so [clip of Katy Perry - "California Gurls" with black "CENSORED" bar over distorted Snoop Dogg portion] instead of hearing Snoop Dogg, you just have a really awkward blank spot? Well, I heard one that...

Todd (VO): ...took Nelly's verse out of "Cruise (remix)." Not the original "Cruise," the rap remix. They censored the rapper out of the rap remix. And the weird thing was...

Todd: ...I only barely noticed it was even missing. 'Cause who cares?

Todd (VO): Florida Georgia Line don't need help to be drooly and tedious. They've got it covered.

Todd: Oh, [single cover of "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" by...] Big & Rich, what have you wrought?

FL GA Line: I've got my windows open and the radio up
Get your radio up


#8[edit | edit source]

Todd (VO): #8.

Todd: [sighs] I don't hate this band, okay?

Video for...

In most cases, I'd rather hear these guys on the radio than most of the other things I hear.

Todd (VO): And I know I'm about to make some people very angry by including them on the list, and a lot of other people will tell me that they're one of the worst bands in history and I'm giving them way too much credit. But...yeah, I like more than a few songs by this band, and in the doldrums of 2013, this band should have been a breath of fresh air.

Todd: Instead, we got this.

#8. Fall Out Boy - "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up)"[22]

Patrick Stump: So light em up, up, up
Light em up, up, up
Light em up, up, up
Fall Out Boy: I'm on fire

Todd (VO): Look, Fall Out Boy are assholes, they've always been assholes. Even on most of their good songs, they're assholes. They're catty, douchey assholes to their girlfriends, their exes, to other bands, their dads. But "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" is them being assholes to you, the listener.

Todd: This isn't the worst song of the year, it's just the most obnoxious.

Fall Out Boy: I'm on fire

Todd: Stop that.

Patrick: Careful making wishes in the dark, dark

Todd (VO): Every time Fall Out Boy have tried to be swaggering rock gods, they come across as the whiny emo boys they are. Their version of sex, drugs & rock 'n roll is one where they don't have sex, there are no drugs, and the rock 'n roll sounds like Tenacious D's rotten leftovers.

Patrick: My songs know what you did in the dark

Todd (VO): "My songs know what you did in the dark," they actually think that sounds cool? It ranks up there with "shawty is a eenie-meenie-miney-mo lover" as lines that should've just been immediately deleted.

Todd: And really, this is just as irritating as all of Fall Out Boy's other really bad songs.

Clips of "This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race"...
Patrick: This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn arms race

Todd (VO): Like anyone ever gave a crap about your imaginary dick-waving contest with Panic! at the Disco.

...and "I Don't Care"
Patrick: I don't care what you think
As long as it's about me

Todd (VO): You don't care what I think, as long as it's about you? Well, little wonder that everyone stopped thinking about you right after this.

Patrick: My songs know what you did in the dark

Todd (VO): "My songs know what you did in the dark"? Real rock stars would actually be doing those things in the dark. Fall Out Boy just [brief clip of "Sugar, We're Going Down"] watches you from the closet, wishing they were in your jeans, remember?

Patrick: So light em up, up, up
Light em up, up, up
Light em up, up, up
Fall Out Boy: I'm on fire

Todd: God, that's annoying.

Fall Out Boy: Oh-oh-oh-oh


#7[edit | edit source]

Todd (VO): #7.

Todd: As I film this, it's roughly about a week or so after Christmas, we're all still enjoying the holiday afterglow, playing with our new toys. But while you play your Assassin's Creed and your brand new PS4, I wanna remind you that not everyone is so lucky and, especially now that the holidays are over, we really, really need to try and remember people who are really, truly suffering.

#7. Jay-Z ft. Justin Timberlake - "Holy Grail"[23]

Justin: Holy grail
Jay-Z: Uh! Blue told me to remind you n****s
Uh! Fuck that shit y'all talkin' about

Todd (VO): Yes, everyone, let's all stop and feel sorry for poor Jay-Z. Everybody, just sit there and play your violins for the vastly rich and famous music legend with the beautiful wife and family. Oh, he just [picture of Richie Rich. "Pictured: Jay-Z"] can't handle it. Why, occasionally, he'll get a paper cut from swimming Scrooge McDuck-style in his vast supply of money. All the hours he had to spend negotiating his [picture of Jay-Z in walk-in closet] million-dollar Reebok endorsement deal took away time he could've been spending with his [promo pic of Jay-Z with logo of...] Samsung endorsement deal. All this pressure, it's [picture of Mitt Romney "pictured: Jay-Z"] so hard, you know.

Todd: I already reviewed this, I still hate it. Can we just rename it [renamed single cover of...] "99 First World Problems"?

Todd (VO): And I especially hate Justin Timberlake's pointless whining most of all.

Todd: Gimme a break.

Justin: You take the clothes off my back
Clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Father (John Cleese): Cut that out! Cut that out!

Todd: A Monty Python quote for any occasion. Next!


#6[edit | edit source]

Todd (VO): #6.

Todd: I mean, come on, Jay-Z, no one wants to hear successful rappers whine about how hard they have it. Why can't rappers just talk about how good they have it? Oh wait, they all do that. Some worse than others.

#6. Drake - "Started From the Bottom"[24]

Drake: Started from the bottom, now we're here
Started from the bottom, now my whole team fucking here

Todd: How interesting.

Drake: Started from the bottom, now we're here

Todd: That's nice.

Drake: Started from the bottom, now my whole team here

Todd: What do you want, a cookie?

Drake: Started from the bottom, now we're here

Todd (VO): Is it just me, or does every time Drake wants to brag about how great he is, he does it in the most flat monotone possible?

[Imitates, intercut with clips from "The Motto" and "Headlines"]

Started from the bottom, now we're here, now we're here
Everyday, everyday, everyday
That's the motto, that's the motto, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO
They know, they know, they know

Drake: I just think it's funny how it goes
Now I'm on the road, half a million for a show

Todd (VO): I don't know when rappers forgot this, but the journey is more interesting than the destination. As far as I can tell, though, there was no journey for Drake. He started at the bottom, and then...

Todd: ...poof, he was here.

Drake: Cause we started from the bottom, now we're here

Todd (VO): Did he start from the bottom? Does it matter? I don't know. If this song is all I have to compare it to, I would conclude that Drake grew up a rich Jewish guy from Long Island or...

Todd: ...hell, maybe a tropical fish of some kind, for all he knows about life in poverty.

Drake: I was trying to get it on my own
Working all night, traffic on the way home

Todd: You worked all night and hit traffic. Dude, you still work all night, and even if you're in a limo, you still hit traffic. All he talks about is mild inconveniences and people shit-talking him now.

Drake: Boys tell stories about the man
Say I never struggled, wasn't hungry, yeah, I doubt it, n****
I could turn your boy into the man

Todd: What? When you say you turned a boy into a man, you're... are you saying you had sex with him?

Clip from The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Dr. Frank N. Furter (Tim Curry): I can make you a ma-a-a-a-an
Drake: We don't like to do too much explaining
Story stays the same, I never changed it

Todd: Yeah, have you considered changing your story, 'cause this one's kinda bad.

Todd (VO): Swear to God, the most inconsistent waste of talent. I think it's fitting that [brief clip of Lorde - "Royals"] one of the biggest hits of the year was denouncing obnoxious garbage exactly like this.

Drake: Cause we started from the bottom, now we're here

Todd: What a useless little song. Next!


#5[edit | edit source]

Todd (VO): #5.

Todd: 2013 was the year music criticism disappeared up its own ass.

Clip of Lorde - "Royals"
Lorde: But every song's like gold teeth, Grey Goose...

Todd (VO): Yeah, music criticism this year was dominated by long, tiresome thinkpieces about whether [ article about...] Lorde is racist, or [clip of live performance of "Same Love"[25]; by...] Macklemore is exploiting gay people, or [clip of "Hard Out Here" by...] Lily Allen was...God, I don't even know what you'd classify that as, we gotta invent a new word for that.

Todd: And God knows I'm certainly not immune to this kind of thing either, but...really, this hyperbolic morality policing, [intro plays in background] it's just getting really goddamn exhausting. I mean, come on, people. Save your moral outrage for when you really need it.

#5. Lil Wayne ft. Drake & Future - "Bitches Love Me"[26]

Drake: Long as my bitches love me
Future: Yeah, yeah
Drake: Yeah, I can't give a fuck 'bout no haters
Lil Wayne: Uh, pussy ass n**** stop hating

Todd (VO): 2013 was not a good year for walking, talking [picture of same: "pictured: Lil Wayne"] reptile man Lil Wayne, who had such a bad twelve months, he actually [image of apologetic Tweet] apologized for it. But what he really needs to apologize for is being this goddamn disgusting.

Lil Wayne: And all she eat is dick
She's on a strict diet

Todd (VO): Say what you want about "Blurred Lines" or "do what u want with my body"; at least they swing, they got a beat and you can dance to it.

Todd: This, though...this song is just vile, musically, lyrically, in every way.

Lil Wayne: She said, "I never wanna make you mad
I just wanna make you proud."
I said, "Baby just make me cum,
Then don't make a sound."

Todd: God, I feel like an old lady, but, like, what is there redeeming about this?

Lil Wayne: Uh, real n**** fuck these haters
These hoes got pussies like craters
Can't treat these hoes like ladies, man!

Todd: Does anyone else feel gross? [Reaches down and uses hand sanitizer]

Lil Wayne: She wake up, eat this dick

Todd (VO): If you wanna know why the biggest name in hip hop right now is a [brief clip of Macklemore with Ryan Lewis ft. Wanz - "Thrift Shop"[27];] goofy-haired white boy who raps about wearing ugly clothes, these last three songs are pretty much all you need to know about the state of mainstream rap otherwise. This isn't clever or provocative, it's not even sexy. Even Lil Wayne doesn't seem to be enjoying it.

Lil Wayne: Yeah, all my bitches love me
And I love all my bitches
But it's like as soon as I cum
I come to my senses

Todd (VO): Huh. If his mindless hedonism isn't fulfilling him, it's a...

Todd: ...good thing he has all those other interests and pursuits to keep him occupied. [Shrugs]

Drake: Long as my bitches love me

Todd (VO): This is smutty in the most witless, unattractive way, from a man whose appeal I don't and have never understood. I mean, what is there to say? What jokes can I make about this?

Todd: Here's your insightful commentary: Lil Wayne seems like a miserable human being.

Drake: Long as my bitches love me

Todd (VO): Yeah, bitches love him. So remember...

Todd: ...if you like this song, Lil Wayne thinks you're a bitch.

Drake: Long as these bitches love me


#4[edit | edit source]

Todd (VO): #4.

#4. Imagine Dragons - "Demons"[28]

Dan Reynolds: It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide


Dan: When the days are...

Todd (VO): Imagine Dragons set a land-speed record this year for quickest squandering of their early promise. If this is a song about demons, why don't you sound more tortured? How do you make a lighters-in-the-air, U2 lite, Coldplay anthem about having demons?

Dan: When you feel my heat

Todd (VO): Now, I already went into this one in detail. But yeah, I did get a lot of questions I want to address...

Todd: ...about how a band could possibly sell out between their previous singles and this one when they're all from the same album. Well, you see, here's the thing.

Clip of "Radioactive"

Todd (VO): "Radioactive" and "It's Time" were on an [cover of Continued Silence EP] EP they released before their first album, so there you go, and, uh... [track listing of Continued Silence, showing...] huh. Okay, "Demons" was on that EP too.

Todd: Okay, well, um...

Todd (VO): I mean, maybe it's possible they released those first two songs as singles before they released the EP...or maybe they, uh...they found a [picture of spiral clock] wormhole and used it to go back in time and insert "Demons" on that EP with the other singles? At least something like that must have happened.

Todd: I mean, it had to happen, because otherwise, that would mean I'd confused another boring, no-name adult-alternative act for a band that was actually interesting...which would make me a shitty music critic. And that certainly can't be true.

Dan: It's where my demons hide

Todd (VO): Goddamn it, quit time-traveling, Imagine Dragons! How am I supposed to like a band that breaks the laws of physics?

Todd: Screw you, lawbreakers!

Dan: It's where my demons hide


#3[edit | edit source]

Todd (VO): #3.

Clip of Avicii - "Wake Me Up!"[29];

Todd: I may have shit-talked electronic dance music a bit too much this year. I don't hate EDM. I hate the EDM stuff that's gotten popular.

Clip of Swedish House Mafia ft John Martin - "Don't You Worry Child"[30];

Todd (VO): But no, hate isn't even the right word, I just find it boring. I don't...I just find it meaningless, and even if it had meaning at one point, the electronica stuff sucks it out of it.

Todd: You hear this part right here?

Clip of Calvin Harris ft Ellie Goulding - "I Need Your Love"[31];

Todd (VO): I don't know what you call that, but whatever it is, it is meaningfulness antimatter. I personally blame [clip of Rihanna's...] "We Found Love," that underwritten remix of itself, which has proven disturbingly influential on the pop charts.

Todd: [Intro starts playing in the background] But no, I don't think any of it, on its own, is actually bad, per se. No, to get on this list, you have to go the extra mile.

#3. Pitbull ft. Christina Aguilera - "Feel This Moment"[32]

Christina: I just want to feel this moment
Pitbull: Woo!

Todd: Heh?

Pitbull: Dade county always, 305

Todd (VO): You know, I already did a video on this one, and I couldn't come up with anything to say about it last time, I certainly don't have anything more to say here. There's no point in talking about it. It just sucks. It just plain sucks.

Todd: Christina sucks on this, and Pitbull just sucks in general. And when the EDM well runs dry, he'll just go on to ruin some other genre.

Clip of Pitbull ft. Ke$ha - "Timber"
Pitbull: The bigger they are, the harder they fall
These big-iddy boys are dig-gidy dogs

Todd (VO): Oh, I see, that's already happening. Cowboy hip-hop is the future, you say.

Todd: Okay.

Christina: Whoa...

Todd has no words

Christina: Feel this moment


#2[edit | edit source]

Todd (VO): #2.

Clip from World News Now reporting Justin Bieber's visit to Anne Frank Museum
Diana Perez: ...the incident.
John Muller: It's just not the most sensitive thing when you're in a museum about something so...sort Anne Frank.
Diana: I know, I don't think she would've been a Belieber.

Todd: Yeah, not a great year to be Justin Bieber.

Clip of "Beauty and a Beat" ft. Nicki Minaj[33];

Todd (VO): It's getting increasingly hard to care about the former worst thing to ever happen to music. Once his testicles finally dropped, he basically became just another vacuous pop singer, and in 2013, I saw a lot less of him as his demographic started moving in...

Todd: direction away from him.

Clip of One Direction - "Best Song Ever"[34];

Todd (VO): And rightfully so. They outnumber him five-to-one, and they all seem like genuinely nice kids, as opposed to Bieber, who keeps revealing himself over and over as an unlikable little shit.

Todd: The Age of Bieber is definitely coming to a close, he's not worth discussing anymore. Unless he does something really, really bad.

#2. ft. Justin Bieber - "#thatPower"[35]

Justin Bieber: And oh, I'm alive

Todd (VO): Yes, if you really need to prove that you are still capable of making terrible, terrible music, when all else fails, you can work with It worked for Britney Spears, and now it's working for Justin Bieber.

Justin: I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

Todd (VO): Actually, you know...does this sound actually that bad?

Todd: Honestly, this is...not that terrible. Did I make a mistake?

Thumping beat starts

Todd (VO): [got it] Oh.

Todd: There it is. I got that power.

Todd (VO): I put "Scream and Shout" way too low last year. I am not making this mistake this year.

Todd: Or who knows? Maybe this is still too low. Maybe calling it the second-worst anything is still too generous. They call me will-y
Stay so cool, I'm chilly
I done made that milli
On my way to that billi

Todd (VO): Speaking of "Scream and Shout," I remember at least used to come up with new ways to be awful. But nowadays, he seems pretty content to write the same bad song over and over again. I got that power.

Todd (VO): It's just the beat from "Dirty Bit." If he was going to keep recycling one of his songs over and over again, why that one?! Used to have a piggy bank,
But now I got that bigger bank

Todd: This one's three inches wider, [picture of teddy bear bank] and shaped like a teddy bear. Imma take it higher and high and high and higher
I stay and buy attire
Keeping burning like that fire

Todd (VO): Yeah, I don't even like the Black Eyed Peas songs I said I liked.

Todd: Feels like millions of years ago. I got that power.

Todd (VO): Unless that power is the power to attract a million watts of hatred, no, you don't have #thatpower,


Video ends

Honorable Mentions[edit | edit source]

Todd: And before we get to #1, let's look at some of the honorable mentions and runners-up for the list.

Taylor Swift - "22"[36]

Taylor: I don't know about you
But I'm feeling 22

Todd: "Feeling 22"? What does that mean? Dumb and broke?

Taylor: You don't know about me
But I'll bet you want to

Todd: I know plenty about you, Taylor Swift, and I'd be happy to know less. Next.

Drake ft. Majid Jordan - "Hold On, We're Going Home"[37]

Drake: Cause you're a good girl and you know it

Todd (VO): Now generally, I like it when Drake gets his R&B on, but, seriously, "you're a good girl and you know it" sounds weirdly icky and insulting when he sings it.

Todd: Also, "Hold On, We're Going Home" makes it sound like she has to pee.

Drake: Just hold on, we're going home ft. Britney Spears - "Scream and Shout"[38] I wanna scream and shout and let it all out

Todd (VO): Awful last year, awful this year. I'm still not sure I shouldn't have put it on the list two years in a row.

Zedd ft. Hayley Williams - "Stay the Night"[39]

Hayley: Are you gonna stay the night

Todd (VO): Okay, this is a good example of how EDM's repetitiveness hurts itself. They basically only gave her one line, and the more she repeats it, the more pathetic and desperate she sounds.

Hayley: Are you gonna stay the night

Todd: Who knew Hayley Williams had to beg for sex like this?

Hayley: Are you gonna stay the night

Selena Gomez - "Come & Get It"[40]

Selena: When you're ready, come and get it
Na na na na

Todd: Worthless.

Todd (VO): This was going to be on the list until Passenger came along late in the year, for the record.

Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell & T.I. - "Blurred Lines"[41]

Robin, Pharrell: I hate these blurred lines
Robin: I know you want it
I know you want it

Todd: Song of the year. For better or worse. Never has a song been so easy to like and yet so easy to dislike.

Robin: Try to domesticate you
But you're an animal

Todd: Yeah, animals are what you domesticate, dumbass.

Maroon 5 - "Daylight"[42]

Adam Levine: And when the daylight comes I'll have to go

Todd (VO): Maroon 5 nowadays remind me of, like, a towel rack or a blender, an Ikea lamp.

Todd: You know, just some kind of functional product, but not assembled with as much passion.

Taylor Swift - "I Knew You Were Trouble"[43]

Taylor: Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in

Todd (VO): Oh, right, yes, my bumper music. Hey, remember when Taylor Swift had, you know, like a personality? This is the first song of hers I've ever heard that could be sung by anybody.

Todd: But it's probably not the last.

Baauer - "Harlem Shake"[44]

Baauer: Do the Harlem shake

Todd: I don't get it.


#1[edit | edit source]

Todd (VO): #1.

Todd: I think I've said this before, but the worst song of the year isn't the one I hate the most. I mean, you know, it often is the one I hate the most, but that's not the criteria. Just hearing Chris Brown's voice often makes me inconsolably upset, but that alone wouldn't make a song the worst of the year. No, see, as always, bad is the absence of good. The worst song of the year is the one I gain nothing by listening to, it's the one I learned the least from, it's the one that doesn't reveal anything to me, it's the one that adds nothing to the conversation. And this year, this awful, awful year, there was only one song [begins in background] that utterly, completely and totally wasted my time.

#1. Katy Perry - "Roar"[45]

Katy: I got the eye of the tiger, the fighter
Dancing through the fire
'Cause I am the champion
[Todd lets out an exasperated sigh]
And you're gonna hear me roar

Todd: You're gonna hear me snore, am I right? [chuckles nervously]

Todd (VO): Yeah, 2013 effectively killed my hate-crush for Katy Perry. I mean, last year was the breakup, I couldn't stand it anymore, but her work this year is like finding out that your awful ex has also seriously let themselves go in the meantime, on top of everything else. You know, you just think...

Todd: ...whew, dodged a bullet there. That's how I feel about Katy Perry.

Todd (VO): I wanted to do a full review of this song because I hated it so much, but there is literally nothing to say about it. I honestly don't understand how there's anyone on Earth who can listen to this song and enjoy it.

Katy: I stood for nothing
So I fell for everything

Todd (VO): you stand for something now? What?

Todd: Name it. Name one thing.

Katy: I got the eye of the tiger

Todd: "Eye of the tiger," my ass. This is what the eye of the tiger sounds like.

Opening clip of Survivor - "Eye of the Tiger"

Todd: This is what you sound like.

Opening of "Roar." Todd just motions to say, "see?!"
Katy: I got the eye of the tiger

Todd (VO): And if this is what you sound like roaring, what did you sound like before? A starving, legless gerbil begging for food? Listening to this song is like what listening to anything this year was in the mainstream pop charts. It's meaningless, it's unimportant, it's bland, it's bland, it's worthless, it's like trying to eat air!

Todd: There's no point, goddammit!

Katy: You're gonna hear me roar

Todd: No. No, you're gonna hear me roar. Ahem. SCREW 2013! [Finally out of it] I'm done. I'm done.

Gets up and leaves

Katy: roar.

Closing tag song: Lana Del Rey - "Summertime Sadness (Cedric Gervais Remix)"[46]

This video is owned by me
Let's see if I can get the next video out any faster

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. #13 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  2. #17 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  3. #7 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  4. #15 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  5. #6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  6. #18 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  7. #16 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2014, did not appear on 2013 list
  8. #3 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  9. #73 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  10. #5 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  11. #37 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  12. #41 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  13. #25 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  14. #69 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  15. #8 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  16. #44 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  17. #16 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  18. #97 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  19. #60 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  20. #78 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  21. #9 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  22. #40 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  23. #22 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  24. #32 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  25. #43 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  26. #39 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Todd later said he definitely put it too low
  27. #1 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  28. #62 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  29. #19 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  30. #26 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  31. #56 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  32. #36 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  33. #42 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  34. #74 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  35. #95 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  36. #71 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  37. #34 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  38. #23 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  39. #94 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 for 2014, did not appear on 2013 list
  40. #33 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  41. #2 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  42. #35 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  43. #16 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100.
  44. #4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  45. #10 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
  46. #45 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100
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