The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2015

The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2015
Date Aired	January 29, 2016
Running Time	13:10 (Part 1) 16:34 (Part 2)
Previous review	The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2015
Next review	TBA
Website	https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmYfvNO-1iM (Part 1) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds90m5dq6-I (Part 2)

Introduction

Todd plays OMI - "Cheerleader" on the piano.

TOP TEN BEST HIT SONGS OF 2015
A year-end review

Todd: Let's! Get! This! Over with!

[Clip of New China's near year countdown party]

Todd (VO): Oh it'll be great to get this burden off my shoulders. You've all started 2016 already, I'm still stuck in the previous year! These Top Tens are the bane of my existence! But I do it. I do it...

Todd: ...for you. And for the record, I think this list is much better than last year's. Like, I put...

Clip of Pharrell Williams...

Todd (VO): ..."Happy" on last year's list. You know that's, that's a fine enough song, but...if I never heard it again, I wouldn't exactly cry either. But this list...

Todd: ...this year, these are all songs I have fully adopted as a piece of my soul. These are songs I want to last and be remembered. [Beat] Yeah, 2015 was a good year. And here's why. We're counting down...

Clip from DJ Drybones's "Top Pop Songs Of 2015 Mashup (All About It), which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.

Taylor Swift: So it's gonna be forever

Ed Sheeran: Take me into your loving arms

Todd(VO): The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2015!

Taylor: You can tell when it's over

We come back every time

#10

Todd (VO): #10.

Todd: You know, I used to be ashamed of some of my picks for the Best list. I like to think I've moved past that, but I am still a little embarrassed by this one 'cause, I'll be honest, I'm worried this might end the poor guy's career.

#10. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Eric Nally, Melle Mel, Kool Moe Dee, and Grandmaster Caz - "Downtown"

Artists: I'm headed downtown!

Cruisin' through the alley

Todd (VO): I like Macklemore. He gets way, way too much shit. I hear all the time about how [clip of...] "Thrift Shop" is preachy and condescending and even racist.

Todd: It's a joke song about wearing...

Todd (VO): ...piss-smelling used clothes! I mean, God forbid hip-hop get the tiniest amount of criticisms for its most tedious, overused cliches.

Todd: Anyway, I wanted to get that defense out there 'cause...yeah, I worry that I might not get the chance again 'cause he might not be back.

Macklemore: I went to the moped store, said "fuck it."

Salesman's like "What up, what's your budget?"

Todd (VO): Yet his response to all the criticism seems to have been to make the silliest, weirdest, most intentionally lame song in history.

Macklemore: You don't need an Uber, you don't need a cab

Fuck a bus pass, you got a moped, man

Todd (VO): See, used clothes, you could make a case for that being cool, but riding a moped?

Artists: Downtown

Todd (VO): It's like Macklemore saying, "you think I'm corny? Screw you, you haven't seen anything yet!" It cannot be long before Macklemore writes a song about the glory of [pics of...] the mullet, or how badass it is to play D&D, and cook calorie-conscious meals for the family...

Todd: ...and have a YouTube show where you review pop songs.

Artists: Cut the bullshit

Get off my mullet

Todd (VO): Yeah, the first response I and many had was that Macklemore was just trying for a mashup of "Thrift Shop" with "Uptown Funk." But I don't think that really indicates how strange this song is. It's a weird mix of early '80s rap, '60s pop, and a falsetto metal singer that that I was fairly certain was a female.

Eric Nally: Downtown

Downtown

Todd (VO): Oh, God, his knees. Can't watch this video.

Todd: I'm partly of the mind that...

Todd (VO): ...this song is a complete disaster. Goddamn, does the Mack get corny at points.

Macklemore: There's layers to this shit player, Tiramisu, Tiramisu

Todd (VO): But goddammit, this song makes me smile whenever I hear it. It's an act of guts and anti-posturing that you just don't see from people.

Todd: If Beck released this song in the '90s, you'd all go crazy for that. This song is glorious.

Artists: Downtown

Interlude

#9

Todd (VO): #9.

Clip of Taylor Swift - "Love Story"

Taylor: We were both young when I first saw you

I close my eyes

Todd: Yeah, Taylor Swift was gonna make both lists this year.

Todd (VO): And I wanna point out here that, for all my criticisms of Taylor Swift, I always thought she was quite talented. She was able to speak to teenage girls like few artists ever have. But I'm not a teenage girl, I'm a grown-ass man...more or less.

Todd: I was never gonna be interested in how her high school romance is just like Romeo and Juliet, OMG.

Clip of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"

Todd (VO): Besides, if she tried romanticizing her relationships nowadays, no one would buy it. She goes on too many dates, and she can't make any of them stay.

Todd: At least that's what people say. Everyone knows she goes through relationships like toothpicks. You can't romanticize that. [Thinks about it] Or can you?

#9. Taylor Swift - "Wildest Dreams"

Taylor: Say you'll remember me

Standing in a nice dress

Staring at the sunset, babe

Todd (VO): There is much bad about the new Taylor Swift, but one thing I like is how she's moved on from blaming everything on her exes, and instead owning the fact that she's a serial dater who blows through guys, and she's found a way to make that attractive instead.

Taylor: Someday when you leave me

I bet these memories

Todd: I mean, I guess she could try...you know...not driving guys away.

Todd (VO): Trying to make something last. But for right now, she's just decided to accept it.

Taylor: Nothing lasts forever

But this is getting good now

Todd (VO): And she'd given up pretty quickly. You know what they say, "don't cry 'cause it's over, smile because it happened."

Todd: But you're supposed to apply that at the end of something, not before it's over.

Taylor: Say you'll see me again

Even if it's just in your

Wildest dreams

Todd (VO): It's a very fatalistic song where Taylor takes comfort in the fact that she'll be able to leave a guy with some fun memories. And you know, there is something to that, you know?

Taylor: See me in hindsight

Tangled up with you all night

Todd (VO): Look, I have a soft spot for songs about settling for imperfection. This is "Blank Space" played seriously instead of as a joke; and for that reason, it doesn't wear out nearly as quick. Most jokes are only funny once; "Wildest Dreams" sticks with you.

Todd: It follows you around

Taylor: ...wildest dreams, ah-ha

Interlude

#8

Todd (VO): #8.

#8. Elle King - "Ex's and Oh's"

Elle: Ex's and the oh, oh, oh's they haunt me

Like ghosts they want me

Todd: This is a fine song. I like it.

Elle: ...let go

Ex's and oh's

Todd (VO): Okay, so first of all, you heard that this is the daughter of Rob Schneider, right? [Picture of Elle and Rob] Yeah, Elle King? Rob Schneider's daughter? Guess I should...make some kind of Rob Schneider reference here.

Todd: [Clears throat] [as the Richmeister] Elle-arino, Elle-arama, Elle King, "Ex's and Oh's" on the pop charts, making copies. [beat] Ask your parents, kids.

Elle: 1, 2, 3

They gonna run back to me

Todd (VO): This was the big sleeper hit of 2015. I actually heard it the year before on an alternative station, like more than a year ago. I was like, "oh, that's interesting," and I forgot about it completely. And then, it just kinda kept getting bigger and bigger. And it was one of those songs that was okay the first time I heard it, but great by the hundredth.

Todd: Yeah, I can't deny that part of what I like about the song is just the novelty.

Todd (VO): Like, in a world of trap beats, it's nice to hear a good fuzz guitar solo pop up. [Part of the guitar solo plays.] I mean, it's certainly not the most original sound, it basically sounds like Amy Winehouse fronting the Black Keys, but that's plenty for me. And besides the retro blues rock 'n roll, there's also one other thing I like about it.

Todd: Apparently, Rob Schneider's daughter is a total player.

Elle: They always wanna come, but they never wanna leave

Todd (VO): See, here's the thing. I totally buy it. I totally believe she has a bunch of dudes following her around.

Todd: And you don't know how nice that is to say.

Todd (VO): Because day in, day out, my work seems to revolve around pop princesses clumsily, awkwardly trying to pretend that they know what sex is. [Brief clip of "Lips Are Moving" by...] I mean, Meghan Trainor, Selena Gomez, Jessie J.

Todd: Little girls, all of them.

Todd (VO): Elle King actually knows what she's talking about. I don't know if she's just gonna end up another fluke indie hit, but I hope not.

Todd: Stick around, Elle King. [as Rob Schneider in several movies] You can do it! References.

Video ends

Interlude

#7

Todd (VO): #7.

[Clip of Big Sean ft. Nicki Minaj - "Dance (A$$)"]

Sean: Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass...

(Whoa, whoa, oh my god)

Todd: [Nervously laughs] I like Big Sean probably more than I should.

Todd (VO): He's just so goddamn ridiculous. Actually that's not true, half the time I think [Clip of Big Sean ft. Chris Brown - "My Last] he's actually very boring. But...he's still one of the few rappers left who can actually be funny on purpose. And if you watched my worst list, I kinda used...

Todd: ...one of his raps as my between-song segue, and...while I was doing that list I realized I kinda love it...

#7. Big Sean ft. E-40 - "I Don't Fuck With You"

Sean: I don't fuck with you

You little stupid ass bitch I ain't fucking with...

Todd: You!

Sean: I got a million-trillion things I'd rather fucking do

Todd (VO): [Stifling laughter] I can't help it! It's just so stupid! I have to like it! It reminds me most of [Clip of "Rollout (My Business)" by...] Lucacris, who I miss very badly. Yeah, where's he been? Who're we gonna get when we need to tell people to [Clip of...] get back, [...and...] move, bitch, [...then back to...] get out my biz-nass! Todd: I mean, Big Sean's no Ludacris, but he'll do in a pinch.

Sean: I heard you got a new man I see you taking the pic

Then you post it up, thinking that it's making me sick

Todd (VO): But this is a song about gold diggers and ex's trying to make you jealous. I ain't got none of those. But it's fun to sing no matter who you got riding you.

Todd: Here, let me check out my various social media feeds.

[Cut to screenshots of Todd's mentions on Twitter]

Todd (VO): [Reading] Hey Todd, you don't make videos fast enough. Your taste in music sucks. You're lame. Stop posting pictures of your dog.

Todd: Blocked! Bitch! [Sticks up his middle fingers]

Todd (VO): See? It's useful for everyone! I basically have it playing in my head every single time some random person tries to get some unearned attention! Eat it! [Pictures of...] Jehovah's Witnesses? Bye! Wal-Mart greeters? Screw you! The IRS?

Todd: Actually maybe I should answer to that...No! No! I don't give a fuck! I don't give a fuck!

E-40: A million things on my mind

Executive deals online

Todd (VO): I'm also happy to hear E-40 again. He was a really talented guy. One of those guys who's been around forever and briefly looked like he was gonna be big back in '06 back before uh... [Clip of E-40 ft. T-Pain & Kandi Girl - "You and Dat"]

T-Pain: Tryin' ta get to you and dat booty

Tryin' ta get to you and dat booty

Tryin' ta get to you and that monkey

Todd: ...yeah, that train derailed pretty quickly.

Sean: ...stupid ass

I don't give a fuck

I don't give a fuck

Todd (VO): Yeah, this is a fun song. I like to imagine Drake's ex-girlfriends turning this on whenever they hear "Hotline Bling". Oh goddammit, DJ Mustard, you finally got me.

Todd: Damn you and your shiny, ear wormy beats. Stupid ass bitch!

Video ends

Interlude

#6

Todd (VO): #6.

Todd: Let's talk about the 80's.

[Clips of Duran Duran - "Hungry Like The Wolf", Whitney Houston - "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)", Peter Gabriel - "Sledgehammer", USA For Africa - "We Are The World"]

Todd (VO): Okay my memories of 80's music are mostly limited to the Ninja Turtles theme, but looking at it from the present, the pop music of the 80's seemed...bigger. Like 60's music is when music was most important and meaningful, but 80's music was when pop was just...big. Like a mega-corporation or Wall Street, it was just, like...inescapable. For the most part, the 2010s do not feel like that. Not since the internet destroyed the music industry. But every so often, I hear this one single that reminds me of that feeling.

Todd: When pop music was just like...Titanically huge.

#6. The Weeknd - "Can't Feel My Face"

The Weeknd: Woo!

I can't feel my face when I'm with you

But I love it

But I love it

Oh

Todd: I can't feel my face either. But that's because the radiator's busted. [Crosses his arms.] I wear this hoodie for a reason.

Weeknd: And I know she'll be the death of me

At least we'll both be...

Todd (VO): To put it mildly I was not inclined to like The Weeknd. And I'm still not inclined to like The Weeknd. But the song was too good for me to ignore. It doesn't just have an 80s retro sound; it has that 80s bigness to it. This is an honest-to-God hit record.

Todd: Honestly I don't understand why it wasn't bigger than it was, and it was pretty goddamn big!

Todd (VO): I mean, if you're trying to invoke the 80s, why not do a song about the drug of the 80s? Cocaine! And why not try to be the...[Clip of "Smooth Criminal" by]...king of the 80s? Michael Jackson! I mean, he even goes "woo" like Michael Jackson...

Weeknd: Woo!

Jackson: Woo!

Todd (VO): And he spins and gets set on fire like Michael Jackson. [Clip of Michael Jackson hitting a stage light]

Todd: But more than Michael Jackson, it reminds me of a different pop star: Ne-Yo.

[Clip of Ne-Yo - "So Sick"]

Ne-Yo: And I'm so sick of love songs

Todd (VO): Now Ne-Yo is a good song writer but a bit of a puss with [Picture of Ne-Yo's mug shot] an unfortunate hairline. You'd think a guy like that wouldn't be able to make [Clip of "Closer] club anthems, but he did it more than once pretty well. Always by putting himself into the passenger seat, enthralled to some amazing, beautiful woman. [Clip of The Weeknd - "Earned It (Fifty Shades Of Grey)"] All of The Weeknd's other hits are terrible! Because they make him out to be this love god, despite the fact that he sounds like someone literally cut off his balls. [Back to "Can't Feel My Face"] But The Weeknd being possessed by a woman who might actually be literal cocaine? Yeah, I buy that! So yeah, The Weeknd: more of this. Nothing wrong with that. Todd: Michael Jackson was never a convincing lover man either!

Weeknd: Hey

Interlude

#5

Todd (VO): #5.

Todd: Let it be known that in the year of our lord(?) 2015, my Top Ten list includes a song by Paul McCartney.

#5. Rihanna, Kanye West & Paul McCartney - "FourFiveSeconds"

Rihanna: I think I've had enough

I might get a little drunk.

Todd (VO): As I am a bit of a classic rock snob, I wouldn't be offended if some of you assumed that it's on the list just because a Beatle is on it. Heh. No. Paul is my favorite Beatle, for the record, but let's be serious, he's written more bad songs than good. And the last time he collaborated with a living legend of black music... Clip of Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder - "Ebony & Ivory"

Stevie: Ebony, Ivory

Living in perfect harmony

Todd (VO): Tfft, yeah. And the combination of a Beatle with Kanye West is so much of a music critic's dream that it should've been really disappointing. I mean Paul doesn't even sing, he just plays a few chords. I suppose technically this makes this a "White Guy With Acoustic Guitar" song, but it's one whose message is basically... Todd: "It's a freaking weekend baby, I'm about to have me some fun!"

Kanye: Hold me back, I'm 'bout to spaz

Rihanna: Yeah I'm about FourFiveSeconds from wildin'

Todd (VO): It's a weird combo. It's kinda like what you get if Kanye tried to write "Wonderwall", and/or if Paul McCartney tried to write "I Gotta Feeling". Todd: [Playing piano and singing to the rhythm of The Beatles - "Hello Goodbye"] You say goodbye, and I say YOLO. YOLO, YOLO!

Rihanna: 'Cause all of my kindness

Is taken for weakness

Todd (VO): Quite frankly, I love that combination. Combined what it feels like is Otis Redding's "Dock Of The Bay." Just how tired with the world it is, but happy with one's self. It's good in a way that I'm not really used to hearing anymore. It's more like a great rock song or great soul song than a pop song. Something you really have to listen to and feel. Todd: But while Kanye and McCartney will get all the attention, the real revelation is Rihanna.

Rihanna: And I know that you're up tonight

Thinking "How could I be so selfish?"

Todd (VO): Rihanna has put out like 500 singles in the 2010s, and maybe one of them has been worth anything. I have been so bored with her! But she actually took a break for a little bit, and when she returned, she sounded more alive than she has in years. She sounds well and truly ready to throw off the burdens of the world. This was a great combination. I mean who else can we get together?

Todd: How about Mick Jagger and will.i.am?

Clip of will.i.am ft. Jennifer Lopez & Mick Jagger - "T.H.E. (The Hardest Ever)"

Jagger: Hard like a rock 'n roll

Time bomb's tickin',

Explode

Baby this is dynamo

Todd: [Thinking] This was a terrible idea never mind.

Rihanna: I swear I wish somebody would tell me

Ooh that's all I want

Interlude

#4

Todd (VO): #4.

Todd: The great thing about following pop music is that every once in a while, you get surprised.

Clips of "Can't Feel My Face", "Wildest Dreams", "I Don't Fuck With You"

Todd (VO): The Weeknd put out a song I liked, Taylor Swift put out a song I liked, even DJ Mustard put out a song I liked! Todd: But the biggest shock was this next artist, cause uh...let's say they didn't make a good first impression.

Clip of Major Lazer ft. Bruno Mars, Mystic, 2 Chainz, & Tyga

Bruno: Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt

Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt

Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt

Turn around stick it out...

Todd: [Raises his finger to say something but changes his mind] No, no, no, let's keep listening.

Bruno: Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt

Turn around stick it out

Show the world you got a

Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt

Todd: ...yeah. What are the odds that whatever thunderously useless morons who made this could ever...ever make something good?

Video starts...

MØ: Do you recall not long ago

We would walk on the sidewalk?

Todd: Yeah I remember that. Now we only walk on people's lawns like assholes! Man what's wrong with us?

#4. Major Lazer & DJ Snake ft. MØ - "Lean On"

Interlude

#3

Todd (VO): #3.

#3. Walk the Moon - "Shut Up and Dance"

Interlude

#2

Todd (VO): #2.

#2. Demi Lovato - "Cool for the Summer"

Honorable mentions

Todd: And now, before we get to Number 1, some honorable mentions

Justin Bieber - "What Do You Mean?"

Bieber: What do you mean?

Oh (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

Todd (VO): Eh, it's a grower. It really is. And honestly, I'm not sure that anything has ever truly captured like this what it feels like to be young and in love. Mainly that it blows and no one knows what the hell they're doing.

Todd: This is the realest song on the radio, I swear.

Adele - "Hello"

Adele: So hello from the other side

(Other side)

Todd (VO): Yeah, I know I said it wasn't my favorite Adele song, but...eh, honestly it's still an Adele song, you know? And funny thing, there's a dance remix that the radio plays...and I heard it described as sounding like a Whitney Houston song. Yeah, except that Whitney Houston never had the depths of pain and sadness that Adele ever had.

Todd: God bless her. I don't, I don't...how are we even lucky enough to have Adele?

Carly Rae Jepsen - "Run Away with Me"

Carly: Baby

Take me to the feeling

Todd (VO): I don't usually put songs that weren't eligible in the honorable mentions, but uh, this is one of the best songs I've ever heard.

Carly: Run away with me

Run away with me

Drake - "Back to Back"

Drake: Man I got the drink in me going...

Crowd: Back to back

Drake: Keep going!

Todd (VO): When I heard about the "Meek Mill vs. Drake" beef, I assumed that it was like a manufactured feud so that Drake could give Meek Mill some more fame. I think I was right, except it was a manufactured feud for Drake's benefit to get him some more cred, cause...goddamn.

Todd: No one's gonna touch Drake ever again.

Pitbull & Ne-Yo - "Time of Our Lives"

Ne-Yo: Let's get it now

Ooh

I want the time of my life

Todd (VO): You know, I think I'm actually gonna miss Pitbull when his career runs out. Assuming it ever does. Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars - "Uptown Funk"

Bruno: Uptown funk you up (Woo, c'mon, hey)

Uptown funk you up (Say what?)

Todd (VO): Yeah yeah, I know I should put it on this year's list too. Like, literally, the fact that I put it last year's list is literally the only thing keeping it from being here.

Mark: Aaaaaaaaaaaah-ow!

#1

Todd: Ah. And now, ladies and gentlemen: the best hit song of the year.

Interlude

Todd (VO): #1.

#1. Taylor Swift - "Style"

Closing tag song: Skrillex & Diplo ft. Justin Bieber - "Where Are Ü Now"

THE END
This video is owned by me
Year-end mashup by DJ Drybones

THANK YOU TO THE LOYAL PATRONS!