The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2014

The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2014
Date Aired	January 31, 2015 (Part 1) February 1, 2015 (Part 2)
Running Time	15:09 (Part 1) 15:03 (Part 2)
Previous review	The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2014
Next review	TBA
Website	http://blip.tv/todds-pop-song-reviews/top-ten-best-hit-songs-of-2014-pt-1-7149346 (Part 1) http://blip.tv/todds-pop-song-reviews/top-ten-best-hit-songs-of-2014-pt-2-7149695 (Part 2)

Introduction

Todd plays American Authors' "Best Day of My Life" on the piano.

THE TOP TEN BEST HIT SONGS OF 2014
A very late year-end retrospective

Todd: I'm not thrilled with this list.

Clip from DJ Drybones's "Top Pop Songs Of 2014 Mashup (How I Feel)", which serves as the interlude throughout the countdown.

Pharrell: It might seem crazy what I'm about to say

Todd (VO): I really loved every song on my last Best of the Year list. This year, the picks were... kinda slim. And these are all gonna be songs I liked. I'm just saying I don't know how many would've made it on my Year-End list in better years. There's just... not a lot of strong competition. As a matter on fact, I think 2014 might set a record not only for the worst hits, but also for the least hits. You remember how I mentioned in a video how static the year was right for, like, weeks and weeks and weeks? Yeah, that fact...

Todd: ...did this list no favors. I feel like I had a lot less music to choose from somehow. I'm not even...

Todd (VO): ...sure how Billboard even managed to release a Year-End 100. Shouldn't it be like a Year-End 53?

Todd: But you know what? It is what it is. I still listen to the Top 40 stuff more than I listen to anything else. Surely, this year wasn't a total waste. Well, we'll see. This is...

Vinz: ...that's just how I feel

Todd (VO): The Top Ten Best Hit Songs of 2014!

#10

Todd (VO): #10.

Video begins...

Ariana Grande: Tell me something I need to know

Then take my breath and never let it go

[Todd is entranced]

If you just let me invade your space

I'll take the pleasure...

Todd: I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

#10. Ariana Grande ft. The Weeknd - "Love Me Harder"

Ariana: 'Cause if you want to keep me, you gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, got to love me harder

Todd (VO): I feel bad that I've talked so much smack about Ariana Grande's ability to be sexy because...yeah, this is doin' it for me.

Todd: Hey, I get to be gross every once in a while, all right? I don't do it that often.

Ariana: And if in the moment I bite my lip

Todd (VO): Ariana Grande is a beautiful young woman who is singing about how you need to love her harder, and that is not a double entendre. That means a total of one thing...

Todd: ...and it's exactly the one you think it means.

Ariana: ...you gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, got to love me harder

Todd (VO): Yeah, not a lot of room for interpretation in this one. Yeah, this one works for me in all the ways [clip of...] that "Bang Bang" didn't—sexy where the other one was embarrassing, low and seductive where the other one was noisy and overbearing.

Ariana: Oooh-ooh, love me, love me, love me

Todd (VO): As a matter of fact, Ariana Grande needs to do a lot more cooing and a lot less belting because restraint is a good look on her. Also, the slower tempo means she doesn't sound like she's trying to sing and brush her teeth at the same time.

Todd: I can actually understand what she's saying.

Clip of "Break Free" (with interpreted lyrics)

Ariana: This is the part where (This is the pot whale)

I say I don't want ya (I say Otto on ya)

Todd (VO): This would be higher, but I did get the feeling that Ariana's still growing into adulthood, although I hope she keeps up this direction. But more importantly...

Todd: ...who the hell is this guy?

The Weeknd: I know your motives and you know mine

The ones that love me...

Todd (VO): Um, I'm sorry, I don't see the big deal about this guy, The Weeknd... the weakened. Just another one of those guys that are trying to be Romeo despite having a voice like a leaking balloon.

The Weeknd: When I get you moaning, you know it's real

Todd (VO): Trying to brag about how good he is, like, I don't know if I buy it, considering the whole point of this song is that he's not doing it hard enough.

The Weeknd: So what do I do if I can't figure it out?

Ariana: You got to try, try, try again, yeah.

Todd: Sounds to me like The Weeknd is over much too quickly, if you follow. [Rimshot] More like The Weaknd, am I right? [Another rimshot] I'll stop.

Ariana: 'Cause if you want to keep me

Todd (VO): Yeah, this goes back to the Ariana I like, not the Christina Aguilera wannabe that we got for most of the year. While we're talking, I need to apologize for mispronouncing Ariana Grande's name in a billion different ways.

Todd: Who knew there were so many ways to mispronounce a person's name? Yeah. Well, anyway.

Ariana: Love me harder, harder, harder

Interlude

#9

Todd (VO): #9.

Todd: So it's 2012...

Clip of Despicable Me

Todd (VO): ...and I'm watching a kids' movie on Netflix, and this is what I hear.

Pharrell: I'm having a bad, bad day

It's about time that I get my way

Steam rollin' whatever I see

Todd: Who is that? [Promo pic of Despicable Me featuring Pharrell] Oh, no, I liked that guy.

Todd (VO): Wow, his career is over. When you've reached the Randy Newman phase of soundtracking kids' movies, you might as well pack it in, especially if you work [track listing for soundtrack, circling "My Life" by Pharrell and...] with that Robin Thicke guy. That guy's never gonna have a real hit.

Todd: And with that, I have officially reached [cash register sound] 5,000 bad predictions in a row! [Cheers from audience as Todd throws hands in the air] I could not have reached this milestone without the support of my loyal fans who have given me the courage to keep failing over and over.

Video begins

Pharrell: It might seem crazy what I'm 'bout to say

[Todd dances in his chair]

Sunshine she's here, you can take a break

Todd: Doesn't seem crazy at all. Seems pretty reasonable.

#9. Pharrell - "Happy"

Pharrell: Because I'm happy

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof

Todd: I'm happy. I'm happy, too. I wanted Pharrell to have his big comeback because, fun fact I've never shared with you guys, I...I actually went to the same high school as Pharrell.

Clip of The Clipse - "Grindin'"

Pharrell: The world is about to feel...

Todd (VO): Not at the same time, obviously, but he was just getting famous when I was in school, [clip of "Frontin'"] and some of my teachers would talk about having him as a student, he'd show up at homecoming games, [picture of Pharrell wearing...] he'd wear his high school jacket on TV, so...

Todd: ...me and Pharrell, we go way back. Yeah, Va Beach was all about the Neptunes. [Picture of exit sign for "Va Beach"] We call Virginia Beach "Va Beach." And at my prom, the DJ kept shouting "Star Trak what!" which is...you know, [Star Trak logo] it's the name of Pharrell's label, Star Trak, and everyone was throwing up the Star Trak sign, which is...it's the Vulcan [picture of Pharrell giving the sign] "long live and prosper." Holy cow, I never realized how dorky this song is.

Todd (VO): But you know, the song is dorky. In 2014, he decided that his trademark was gonna be a stupid hat and a hit song about being happy. Happy about what?

Todd: Nothing! Just happy.

Pharrell: Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do

Todd: He wrote a song about, "if you're happy and you know it, clap your hands." [Claps his hands]

Todd (VO): But while I do appreciate pretty much every retro-soul fluke hit that gets big, this one I like primarily because of Pharrell's voice.

Pharrell: Clap along if you feel like a room...

Todd (VO): Yeah, most of these, you know, neo-soul guys that model themselves on, you know, Barry White or Marvin Gaye or a young Michael Jackson; Pharrell is going for more Smokey Robinson or Curtis Mayfield. You know, smooth, relaxed, utterly secure in its own awesomeness.

Todd: It's just a song I'm glad exists, although I'm not sure what emotion I'm supposed to project on "a room without a roof."

Pharrell: Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof

Todd: Uh...I feel [picture of run-down house with the roof caved in] dreadfully incomplete, useless, and unable to deal with the weather. So yeah, I guess that describes me. [Claps and dances happily a little more]

Pharrell: ...that's what you wanna do

Come on

Interlude

#8

Todd (VO): #8.

Clip of Justin Timberlake - "TKO"

Justin: TKO

Todd: Justin Timberlake's comeback has been a colossal disappointment.

Clip of "Suit & Tie"

Todd (VO): Now, I liked "Suit & Tie". No, I loved "Suit & Tie". But I have not been even a little impressed [clip of Justin performing "Rock Your Body" on The Tonight Show] with any of his other new singles, and it's ridiculous because Justin Timberlake is still very much our model for pop singers. We want Justin Timberlake songs, we need Justin Timberlake songs.

Todd: And if Justin Timberlake isn't gonna give us any good Justin Timberlake songs, we'll just have to get them from somewhere else.

Clip from 2013 Much Music Video Music Awards

Taylor Swift: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Ed Sheeran.

Todd: Okay, let's not be silly.

Clip of Ed Sheeran performing the song on BBC

Ed Sheeran: It's late in the evening

Glass on the side

Todd: Are...are you serious?

Video for...

Ed: I need you darling

Come on set the tone

If you feel...

Todd: Did the best Justin Timberlake song of the year come from Ed Sheeran? The world is upside down!

#8. Ed Sheeran - "Sing"

Ed: Sing!

Oh-oh-oh...

Todd (VO): Okay, that round-faced dork you see here is not a pop star. He's a folk singer, he plays acoustic guitar.

Todd: The last time I saw an acoustic folk singer try to remake themselves as a hot, young pop star was [picture of...] Jewel, and it was bad.

Clip of Jewel - "Intuition"

Jewel: Follow your heart

Your intuition

Todd (VO): Real bad.

Todd: Ed Sheeran's...

Todd (VO): ...pop makeover should have been a disaster along those lines, and yet, it's surprisingly credible.

Ed: Let it go until our roads are changed

Singing we found love in a local rave

Todd (VO): In fact, I think it's better than "Like I Love You", [brief clip of same] the Justin Timberlake song it's obviously based off of. But even more than Justin, am I the only one...

Todd: ...that's reminded of Flight of the Conchords?

Clip of Flight of the Conchords performing "It's Business Time"

Flight: It's business

It's business time

Todd (VO): And it reminds me of another person who tried to pull off this white boy guitar-playing folk rapper shtick.

Todd: Jason Mraz.

Clip of Jason Mraz performing "Curbside Prophet" with John Popper

Jason: I’m pickin' up my pace and makin' time like Space Ghost

Todd (VO): He doesn't do that anymore, largely because I think he's figured out it was entirely embarrassing; his intricate rhymes were just meaningless gibberish.

Clip of "Wordplay"

Jason: Because, because

I am the wizard of ooh's and ah's and fa-la-la's

Yeah the Mister A to Z

They say I'm all about the wordplay

Todd: What are you talking about? My God, this is lame.

Todd (VO): Ed, meanwhile, folk-raps about going to a club and getting laid. That's what you rap about.

Todd: Congratulations, Ed, you get the [picture of a thumbs-up trophy] "most improved" trophy of 2014. I just can't over this—the party jam of the year...

Todd (VO): ...came from this dork. And he's still very clearly a dork, he just...he just added an awesome dance jam to his music.

Todd: Okay. Good on you, Ed. Keep it up.

Ed: Oh...ooh...

Sing!

Interlude

#7

#7. Ed Sheeran - "Don't"

Ed: Ah lahmlahlah

Don't fuck with my love

That heart is so cold

All over my home

I don't wanna know that, babe

Todd: Oh. I...I guess he did keep it up. How about that.

Ed: Ah lahmlahlah

Todd (VO): Okay, a good hook forgives everything. That's basically the reason this is higher than "Sing", which didn't really have a chorus. Instead of being a club banger, this one is a breakup jam about the girl who broke his heart.

Ed: And I never saw him as a threat

Until you disappeared with him to have sex, of course

Todd (VO): And this is the exact kind of song that makes WGWAGs so insufferable, and this one in particular is way oversharing.

Todd: Like, he's pretty clearly talking about a specific person, someone who's also famous.

Ed: But me and her we make money the same way

Four cities, two planes the same day

Todd (VO): Because we have the Internet, you can find out [brief clip of Ellie Goulding - "Lights"] who it is pretty easily. You can also find out who [promo pic of One Direction, with arrow pointing at Niall] the other dude was. If this was played as a regular acoustic guitar song, it would be insufferable. Matter of fact, I still don't like that I can see a little bit of that college douche whininess starting to creep back in towards the end.

Todd: If Ed had just been trying to make me feel sorry for him, he would have failed.

Ed: And I wasn't looking for a promise or commitment

But it was never just fun and I thought you were different

Todd (VO): Oh, your kinda, actually not really your girlfriend slept with a guy from One Direction. [Clip of "Little Things"] Well, that's karmic payback for giving One Direction that awful song you wrote instead of flushing it down the toilet. But the hook is what makes it okay. It just doesn't register as a guy whining about his ex because a slinky, dark R&B jam makes this work way better than a "woe is me, I'm so sensitive"-ful love song. It's about the groove, and that's what keeps the song going. And...

Todd: ...Ed, I'm actually starting to like you and think that you're talented. [beat] This is confusing and weird and I don't like it. Can we just go back to the boring Ed Sheeran I remember?

Clip of "Thinking Out Loud"

Ed: Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love

Will your eyes still smile from your cheek

Todd: There we go. Whew! I was getting worried there for a while. Everything is back to normal.

Interlude

#6

Todd (VO): #6.

Todd: You know how after you get out of a bad relationship, it tends to feel good, right? Yay, freedom, I can do whatever I want and see whoever I want to see and I can do so much. But then, after a while, you remember how much being single sucks and you start getting lonely, and then suddenly, you start to look back and, you know, maybe it wasn't that bad, and you know, hey, maybe, you know, we can hang out, maybe we should get back together, give it another try and it'll work this time.

What I'm saying is, there's a Katy Perry song on this list.

#6. Katy Perry - "Birthday"

Katy: Boy, when you're with me

I'll give you a taste

Make it like your birthday everyday

I know you like it sweet

So you can have your cake

Give you something good to celebrate

Todd: Katy Perry's whole career is based around being just tasteless enough.

Todd (VO): It's a tough line to walk, as demonstrated by the fact that she seems to have lost the ability to find that right balance these last couple of years.

Clips of "Roar"...

Katy: I'm already pushing off the dust

Todd (VO): Not tasteless enough.

..."Dark Horse"...

Katy: This love will make you levitate

Todd (VO): Too tasteless.

..."Unconditionally"...

Katy: Unconditionally

Todd (VO): Not tasteless enough.

..."This Is How We Do"...

Katy: It's no big deal

It's no big deal

It's no big deal

Todd (VO): Okay, way too tasteless. I'm not sure why. Holy God, this song makes my skin crawl.

...and back to "Birthday"

Katy: So make a wish

Todd (VO): There we go. Just right.

Katy: Pop your confetti

Pop your Pérignon

Todd (VO): Mostly, this is the only halfway decent song Katy Perry has released in years. God, it's nice to know that Katy Perry can still find it in her to be entertainingly loathsome.

Todd: Now let's see her try some comedy.

Yosef Shulem: [Katy dressed as a Jewish MC] Did you hear about the rabbi who did free circumcisions? He only did it for tips!

Todd: As deaf to hand as always, madame. And to think they gave the Oscar hosting job to Ellen this year. [Poster of Oscars featuring Ellen Degeneres]

Katy: Happy birthday

Todd (VO): Yeah, this is exactly what Katy Perry is good at—making bright, glittery music that's sexy in a tacky, awful kind of way. I don't know how she's managed to pull it off as many times as she has. I mean, these double entendres, they're pretty shameless.

Katy: So let me get you in your birthday suit

It's time to bring out the big balloons

Todd: Wait, say that again?

Katy: It's time to bring out the big balloons

Todd: Oh. I guess Katy Perry does have a song about her own boobs.

Clip of Jason DeRulo - "Trumpets"

Jason: Is it weird that your bra

Remind me of a Katy Perry song

Todd (VO): Ugh. Sorry, Jason DeRulo, you weren't making that song up; I take that one back.

Todd: The rest stands.

Todd (VO): To be honest, just like a birthday only comes once a year, Katy Perry is probably best enjoyed sparingly, and I'd happily go without her the other 364 days.

Todd: At least it's better than [brief clip of...] that third-rate idiot Jeremih's "Birthday Sex". Yeah, I'll take Katy any day.

Katy: Give you something good to celebrate

Katy and kids: Happy birthday!

To be continued--->

Interlude

#5

#5. Paramore - "Ain't It Fun"

Interlude

#4

Todd (VO): #4.

Todd: Hey, Paw!

PawDugan: Lo?

Todd: Wanna hear the new song from that [video begins] indie chick you like, Sia? [Paw sighs] It's about drinking, and partying, and YOLO!

Paw: Nope, bye. [hangs up]

Todd: Hey, where you going? Come here and check out this Autotune, it's great!

#4. Sia - "Chandelier"

Sia: Throw 'em back, till I lose count

I'm, gonna swing

From the chandelier

From the chandelier

Todd (VO): Uh, the little girl you see there is not Sia. Matter of fact, i'm not entirely sure Sia is a real person. Are we sure she exists? I mean, where is she? Prove it! She's not in this video!

Clips of "Titanium"...

Sia: I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose

Todd (VO): Not in that one, either.

...and Flo Rida - "Wild Ones"

Sia: Hey I heard you weer a wild one

Todd (VO): Nowhere to be seen here! Maybe on the album cover? [cover of Sia - 1000 Forms of Fear album, which is just a wig] No? Let's check out Billboard.com. [picture of "Elastic Heart" and "Chandelier" right next to each other on the Hot 100, at #32 and #33 respectively, which have a person with a paper bag over their head] Nope? Hm... Wait a minute.

Todd: What happens if you play this song backwards?

He does just that

Todd (VO): "Sia died in 2010 and was replaced with a sound-alike imposter."

Todd: HA! I knew it.

Sia: Party girls, don't get hurt

Can't feel anything

Todd (VO): At least Ed Sheeran was famous in the mainstream before going pop. Sia was not. She was strictly underground and then all of a sudden she started writing pop songs. And not artsy, indie pop, I mean regular mainstream Hot 100 club shit. [clip of Rihanna - "Diamonds"] She's been writing behind the scenes for Christina Aguilera and Rihanna for a while, so much so that it's difficult to say whether Sia is trying to sound like Rihanna or Rihanna started sounding like her.

Todd: And despite this, she doesn't seem to want to be...

Todd (VO): ...a pop star. Which is a shame, because she's one of the best we've had in a long time!

Sia: One two three, one two three, drink

One two three, one two three, drink

Todd: Mostly I like this one because it's such a brutal display of sheer raw power.

Sia: I'm, gonna fly

Like a bird through the night

Todd (VO): Goddamn operatic is what it is. She's not just gonan swing from the chandelier, she's gonna take it off the ceiling and shatter all the windows.

Clip of Tove Lo - "Habits (Stay High)"

Tove Lo: I gotta stay high, all the time

To keep you off my mind

Todd (VO): We actually had two songs about women dealing with pain via substance abuse, but Chandelier is by far the better one. Habits (Stay High) was a little too on the note. Also, if her drug problem is this bad, I think it has a deeper cause than a breakup. And also, she makes being high sound miserable!

Todd: If this is the way being high makes you feel, why does she keep doing it?

Todd (VO): But Chandelier captures everything. The fun and the thrill and the regret of the horrible messiness of it all. In fact, it's just an incredibly messy performance all-around, and...messy is exactly what the song calls for. [Brief clip of "I'm Not the Only One" by...] Sam Smith plays everything so tight and controlled that his songs never come to life, but Sia is alive. Maybe not alive for much longer, if she doesn't get down from that chandelier, but yeah, for the moment she sounds alive. I don't really know if SIa wants to continue with this pop stuff, maybe she doesn't. Like I said, she doesn't seem all that comfortable with being a pop star.

Todd: But whatever she does after this, i'm sure she'll be happy regardless if she never troubles the Hot 100 again. ...Not that that's really her.

Sia: On for tonight, on for tonight

Interlude

#3

#3. Clean Bandit ft. Jess Glynne - "Rather Be"

Interlude

#2

#2. Charli XCX - "Boom Clap"

Honorable Mentions

Coldplay - "A Sky Full of Stars"

Disclosure ft. Sam Smith - "Latch"

Naughty Boy ft. Sam Smith - "La La La"

DJ Snake ft. Lil Jon - "Turn Down for What"

Nicki Minaj - "Anaconda"

Interlude

#1

#1. Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars - "Uptown Funk"