NC as Tommy Wiseau

(The music for the special is played. We see the title card for "The Tommy Wiseau Show." It dissolves and we cut to Tommy Wiseau [played by Doug Walker])

Tommy Wiseau: Oh, hai, Internet! I'm Tommy Wiseau, and this is my Tommy Wi-Show! (hesitates)...sho-show...I am me. You probably know me from such classic movies as The Room, and...(pause)...and that's probably all you know me from

(Cuts to a close up of Tommy's face, who happens to have Doug's beard.)

TW: Look, I grow goatee for you. It's beautiful, huh? (laughs) What a funny story.

(Cuts back)

TW: Before we begin, let us see what is going on in other parts of the world.

(Cuts to a slide of geographic maps of Norway, Switzerland, and Spain.)

TW (vo): Norway has no clouds or people and has instead been replaced with the color green and the names of various places. Switzerland is the same except it is light-yellow and has different names. And Spain is Spain.

(Tommy makes his iconic awkward smile)

TW: I'm glad you know that now. Let us take a call. (takes out his cellphone) Oh, hai, phone! (he dials a random number)

Caller (vo): Hello?

TW: Oh, hai, caller! This is Tommy Wiseau.

Caller (vo): Who?

TW: I wrote, directed, produced and starred in The Room.

Caller (vo): What the hell is The Room?

TW: (laughs) What a funny story, Mark.

Caller (vo): What the hell are you talking about?

TW: Bye!

Caller (vo): Who the fuck was this?!

(Tommy hangs up his phone.)

TW: Poodles. And now it's time for- (His phone rings) Oh, hold on. (He answers his phone. The Nostalgia Critic is on the other line.) Oh, hai.

Nostalgia Critic (vo): Uh, hi. This is The Nostalgia Critic.

TW: Oh, hai, Nostalgia Critic! What do you want?

NC (vo): Well, I did a review of your movie about a week ago, and it was taken down because your studio claimed copyright infringement, even though it's so obviously a review, so it's covered by fair use as well as satire parody clause.

TW: (laughs) What a funny story, Critic.

NC (vo): Actually, it's not, it's really annoying. Can I put my review back up?

TW: Oh, I have no control over that. You will have to talk to (Turns to the camera, presumingly talking to John.) Hello, Can he use some of our copyrighted images?

(Cuts to John, also played by Doug, living at his "office". He is wearing a dress shirt, tie, looks sweaty, and his office is really a laundry area in the basement of his house. John turns to the camera. Note that he has an extremely whiny voice.)

John: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! You can't use footage from The Room! It's breaking copyright!

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John from

NC (vo): But it's not! It's a review, and...and where are you talking from?!

John: I'm at the office of Wiseau Films and any footage you use of Tommy Wiseau is hurting his good image!

TW: Yeah, that's true. We have a good image. I have a baby face!

NC (vo): But we were promoting your movie to people who never heard of it before. A fair amount, in fact. Actually, I told people to see the damn movie at the end!

John: ANY USE OF OUR IMAGE, if we're not getting money for it, IS DAMAGING TO OUR NAME!!

NC (vo): Don't you think that not promoting it on our site and wasting your time as copyright Nazis is more damaging to your name? I mean, aren't you afraid of being sent, like, a bajillion nasty emails?

John: (works up) NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I don't care that in the long run, we're getting more views and people know about us! All we care about is the money- I mean, our dignity! All we care about is our dignity and we have plenty of that!

TW: Yeah, that's true. We have lots of dignity. Like remember when I showed my ass? That was super-dignified-fantastic!

NC (vo): But I've reviewed other movies from much bigger studios and they seem to enjoy the free promotion.

John: (working up again) I don't care if bigger studios have better things to do than sue Internet celebrities! This matters to ME, and we're gonna make you pay for using our images!

TW: Yeah, that's true, Critic. It's like I always say, "You should be allowed to express yourself anyway you want." But what I don't want to see happening is for you to express yourself anyway you want or else bad things happen. Especially if you use my image. "They are using me, and I am the fool."

NC (vo): Okay. I don't know what you're on, but I'm totally making a sketch mocking the fuck out of you guys.

TW: Oh bye, Critic! (hangs up phone) Let's play some football, huh?

(Tommy picks up a football and throws it offscreen. The sound of a broken window, or something fragile, is heard. Tommy doesn't care.)

TW: Wasn't that fun, huh? Now we will-(Gets cut off by John)

John: Wait a minute! You have to stop right there! You're using copyrighted images!

(Tommy is confused. he looks behind himself to see who John was talking to.)

TW: Who, me?

John: YES, YOU! You're using the image of Tommy Wiseau!

TW: But I am Tommy Wiseau.

John: I know, and his image must be protected, even from yourself! He is a national treasure!

TW: But I am that national treasure, even though I don't know what nationality I am.

John: (Struggling to win the argument) But we have a good name to keep!!

TW: No, we don't. We're famous because people make fun of our name! I can't even pronounce my last name!

John: NO! I'm shutting you down! I can't stand to see your beautiful art tarnished!

TW: You are tearing me apart, John from!!!!

John: I will protect you!! You are too valuable to me! I love you!

(Tommy is freaked out by what John said.)

TW: Okay, this is sounding strange. I'm going to leave you now.

John: No, Tommy! You're the reason I'm alive! Your ingenious art must be celebrated!!!

TW: Bye John from (He waves goodbye and walks offscreen.)

John: NO, WAIT! I'LL SUE YOU! I'LL SUE ALL OF YOU! ALL OF YOU ARE GOING DOWN!! I'LL SUE THE WORLD!!! I EVEN SUED MYSELF LAST WEEK! GUESS WHO WON?? ME!!!!!!!!!! (John starts to break down in tears.) I do a good job. I DO A GOOD JOB!! Here, maybe if I eat, I'll feel better. (He picks up some dollar bills from on top of the washing machine and begins to eat them.) Ah, yes! Money makes it all good! Money makes it all good!!! (Continues to eat the money and cry as the camera cuts to the "The End" card.)

John (vo): I'm John from the room movie dot com!!! I'M JOHN FROM THE ROOM MOVIE DOT COM!!!!!!!!


*Special thanks to "Wiseau Films" for making the world a safer place.*

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