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The Thing from Another World: Eternal Vows: #1-2

At4w the thing from another world eternal vows 1 2 by mtc studios-d819yyd-1024x452.png

Released
October 6, 2014
Running time
31:41
Previous review
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Tagline
The Thing is a shapeshifting monstrosity trying to make you think it's something it's not... much like this comic.
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(Open on the title for this series, parodying The Thing, suspenseful music and all, then cut to Linkara sitting on his futon as always. The shelves behind him have Halloween decorations on some of them)

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. It's October. The atmosphere is getting spooky. There's a chill in the air. (gestures behind him with thumb) There's a guy in bad makeup talking about horror comics in his own dumb video series (gestures offscreen with thumb) in another room. And I have to see a horror franchise get crapped on in sequential art!

(Covers of previous issues of "The Thing From Another World" are shown)

Linkara (v/o): Although, much as the "Thing From Another World" comics deserve to get criticized and slammed in this show, I'll say that the ones we've seen in the last two years are still the length of Antarctica better than the "Silent Hill" comics. The "Thing" comics may be bad, but there are lots of good ideas present, and I get the impression that the creators at least have seen The Thing. I mean, I don't think they were paying very close attention to it to the degree that a nerd like me would, but I get the idea that they were fans of it and were trying to tell a good story, even if they didn't really succeed.

Linkara: (sarcastically) Well, it sure is a good thing that all of them are gone now, because welcome to today's offering: "The Thing From Another World: Eternal Vows", a comic made by people who have not only clearly never seen the movie, but apparently have never read the sequel comics either!

(Cut to a shot of "The Thing: Climate of Fear" is shown)

Linkara (v/o): And yet this is still supposed to be taking place after those events because of some elements we'll be seeing in the story, but I'll get to those. Seriously, this is quite possibly the worst story related to The Thing ever made.

(Cut to footage of the 2011 version of The Thing)

Linkara (v/o): Yes, loathe as I am to say it, the 2011 prequel movie is so much better than this comic! Again, it's because someone had to have at least seen The Thing to make that story. NOT so much here!

Linkara: So let's dig into (holds up today's comics, one at a time) "The Thing From Another World: Eternal Vows #1" and "#2" and start putting this franchise to rest on this show!

(AT4W title theme plays, and the title card has "We Are One" by Lydia playing in the background. Cut to more shots of past "Thing" comics)

Linkara (v/o): Here's a quick recap in case you're joining us late: the Thing survived the end of the movie; crashed a submarine; went to South America; infected Childs, AKA Raptor Dude; and MacReady killed it forever and ever, except not really, of course.

(Cut to a closeup of the cover of the first issue "Eternal Vows")

Linkara (v/o): The cover is good, featuring a guy being dragged into an alleyway by the Thing. Yes, an alley in a city; we'll get to that in a bit. And we even see scrapes in the grass left by his fingers. Well, I presume it's grass. Otherwise, the cement for the pavement is actually made of Play-Doh.

(Cut to the comic's credits)

Linkara (v/o): One thing of particular note about this series is the penciler, Paul Gulacy. Don't recognize the name? You should. He's the penciler on another series that we finished up a few weeks ago: "SCI-Spy". Yeah, you have him to thank for...

(Cut to a shot of the hideous female robot from the first issue)

Linkara (v/o): ...this!

(Cut back to the "Thing" credits)

Linkara (v/o): To be fair, though, he's a perfect fit for actually creating some of the inhuman, bizarre appearances the Thing would take on.

(Cut to another shot of "SCI-Spy")

Linkara (v/o): Unfortunately, "SCI-Spy" proved that he seemed to have difficulty with basic human anatomy, so there might be a problem there when the story should have mostly humans walking and talking.

(Cut back to the "Thing" comic, as it opens to the first page)

Linkara (v/o): We open in Wallace Harbour, Stewart Island, in Southern New Zealand. A black cat approaches a man fishing off the dock and the man accidentally pricks his finger on the hook, drawing blood.

Fisherman: After 75 years you'd think that I'd have learned how to bait a hook without stabbing my finger, eh, Puss? Damn, that hurt!

Linkara: What, do you still whine like that when you get injections at the doctor's office? Man up!

Linkara (v/o): The cat goes over to his bucket-o-fish-caught, and he gives the cat one of them, smearing some of his blood on it as well. Aaaand scene over.

Linkara: Opening pages, and it feels more like a story set with the man-eating cats from Corpse Grinders than it does The Thing.

Linkara (v/o): We cut over to a man and woman having sex for two pages. At least, I presume that's what they're doing. This guy looks like he really wants to eat her chin. The guy puts on some clothes and says his farewells to her, informing the woman, Jenny, that they won't be able to see each other for a few nights since he's got night watches for a bit. She's distraught about the possibility of him leaving soon, but he informs her that they won't be leaving, due to an ongoing murder investigation in the town. Cut over to a hotel bar, where naturally a brawl is breaking out by some guy just yelling at an officer [Holt].

Man: Hey, ya Yank bastard, I'm talkin' to ya!

Holt: Yeah?

(Cut to a clip of Resident Evil)

Enrico: Yeah?

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): Aaaand punch.

Linkara: Good to see the military being portrayed well, what with them staying calm while being insulted by drunk idiots.

Linkara (v/o): The drunk guy's friends restrain him to prevent the fight from going any further, but it's stopped by the arrival of... uh, John Constantine?*

  • NOTE: It's actually Detective Sergeant Rowan.

Rowan: What's going on here? Well?

(Cut to a clip of an episode of the classic Star Trek, showing Kirk walking up and down a line of his crew suspiciously)

Kirk: I want to know who started it. I'm waiting.

(Back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): Sergeant Constantine or whatever says that he instructed him and his crew about not drinking in this hotel since the second body was found.

Holt: Boy, you kiwis sure stick together, don't you?

Rowan: How did it start, Holt?

(Cut again to the same clip of the Star Trek episode as before)

Kirk: (addressing the line of suspects) I want to know who threw the first punch.

(Cut back to the comic)

Holt: Am I under arrest?

Rowan: Not for now.

Holt: Then go to hell.

Linkara: (as Holt) Up yours for being calm and rational! Dickhead!

Rowan: (to the drunkard) You! What caused this fight?

Linkara (v/o): Dude's really obsessed with this minor scuffle. No wonder the murderer hasn't been caught yet.

Drunkard: Ah, sod off, Rowan! You're not welcome either, "mainlander."

Linkara: What a great bar; more insults thrown around than a YouTube comments section.

Linkara (v/o): The worst part is that this is actually Happy Hour. I just realized, a murder investigation involving American Navy officers in Australia? Or New Zealand, in this case?

Linkara: (frustrated)' Now this comic wants to be a sequel to (makes "air quotes") "Death of a Soldier"! Can we please get to the Thing already?!

Linkara (v/o): We cut back over to the fisherman, where a man seen only in shadow approaches him. When the black cat from before hisses and runs away, we see purple-spined tentacles emerge from the man and stab the fisherman. The fisherman's screams attract Sgt. Rowan, forcing the Thing to run off without finishing the assimilation of the fisherman and leaving his body behind.

Linkara: (throws comic aside) Well, I can stop now! Story's over! The Thing is in a modern city! End of the world, Ma! That was pretty clearly established from the movie! (scowls)

Linkara (v/o): Or at least it should be, but apparently, the Thing is no longer just spreading to people! Now, later, it's gonna try to explain why it hasn't just tried to start infecting every single friggin' thing it can, but they do so in the most asinine, bassackwards way it can! What's worse, remember that in the comic continuity here, ONE TOUCH is all that's necessary to infect someone, so now that it's on the mainland, all that it has to do is poke somebody in the neck or something, and instant infection! So now it's time to be really, really silly! Okay, so, Sgt. Rowan runs up to the dead body of the fisherman.

Linkara: (as Rowan) All right, you, who started the fight in the bar? (Linkara lays over with his tongue out, pretending to be dead, in imitation of the fisherman, before reverting back to Rowan) ANSWER ME!

Linkara (v/o): And the fisherman is half-goop by now, so Rowan reaches down and touches it, because he's S-M-R-T. In case you're wondering by the way, no, he is not infected, even though by EVERYTHING WE HAVE ESTABLISHED about the Thing, in EVERY ONE of the other media about the Thing, he should be!

(Cut to Phelous running up)

Phelous: Great continu–

(Cut back to the comic again, however, before Phelous can finish and give his thumbs-up)

Linkara (v/o): Ah, screw it, I can't even be bothered to use that clip. It doesn't have nearly enough sarcasm for how idiotic a mistake this is, and we're STILL ONLY ON THE FIRST ISSUE! Nearby, the guy from the bar earlier is watching and then meets up with Mustachioed Guy who was sleeping with Jenny. Next scene! We cut over to Jenny lounging around her kitchen in her underwear.

Linkara: Because that's what The Thing was missing this whole time: FANSERVICE!!

Linkara (v/o): She's feeling sick, but don't worry, she's not pregnant; it's much dumber. The black cat from the docks comes up to her as she takes out the garbage, while still clad only in her underwear, and nuzzles her leg. She gives the cat her dinner and walks back inside, apparently leaving her door open like an idiot. The next morning, Jenny is at her job at a clothing store and Rowan comes in to talk to her.

Linkara: (as Rowan) I need to ask you some questions about the barroom fight last night.

Linkara (v/o): He's basically just confirming when Powell, the guy she was sleeping with, left that night. After she confirms it, we learn that Powell has been murdered. Naturally, Rowan tells her in the most unsympathetic manner possible, simply stating that he was murdered last night and continues questioning her.

Linkara: You know, maybe people don't want to talk to Rowan, not because he's a mainlander, but because he's a complete dumbass.

Linkara (v/o): The news causes Jenny to faint, and we cut over to her walking on a beach, mourning not only the loss of her boyfriend, but also the other murder victims. It's a small town, so everybody knows each other. She feels sick again and collapses, then immediately gets back up and walks off. And we see what appears to be worms or tentacles or something emerging from under a seashell. Don't ask me what the hell this is indicating.

(Editor's note: "ACTUALLY, AS PEOPLE WERE KEEN TO POINT OUT LATER, IT'S A MAN O' WAR. STILL POINTLESS.")

Linkara (v/o): Did she throw up? Did the Thing infect an oyster?! Later that evening, Jenny is at home in front of the fire and once more in her underwear.

Linkara: Any second now, she's gonna pull out a tape recorder and start talking about how much sexier Superman is than Batman.

Linkara (v/o): Also, apparently, she owns the cat now. But not for very long, since the cat starts hissing at her and scratches her hand. She responds by sprouting tentacles out of her body and stabbing the cat to death.

Linkara: And now you see why it was so important for us to see the cat eating the bloodstained fish from earlier. (nods, then scowls as he clenches his hand)

Jenny: (narrating) Powell?

Voice: (narrating) Yes, my darling?

Jenny: (narrating) You did this to me?

Powell: (narrating) Yes, Jenny...

Linkara: (as Powell) And you're taking this news surprisingly well.

Powell: (narrating) It was I who planted the seed. The seed of life... My life.

Linkara: (smiling creepily) Ew.

Linkara (v/o): She absorbs the cat while asking the Powell inside her head what she's doing.

Powell: Surviving... Trading life for death... Dead cells for living. It is necessary, my darling... if you want to continue.

Linkara: So after all this time, we finally get a reason why the Thing assimilates people! (beat) Because it's eating them! (becomes frustrated) That's the big answer!

Linkara (v/o): And so, our comic ends with Jenny realizing that she's dead and she's remembering everything that happened before. Where to even begin with this crap! For starters, this would be a perfectly acceptable little monster horror story IF IT WASN'T CALLED "THE THING"!! This is still supposed to be the same creature that we've encountered in the previous miniseries, and yet we now have something completely unnecessary for this entire concept! First of all, the Thing wasn't fricking eating people, it was infecting them! Now, later on in this mini, we'll see it infecting others with its spiked tentacles, yet it's not trying to infect as many people as it can so it can spread out! Even if we bought that the alien was doing all this just to eat people, why the hell is it now taking on the full identities of Jenny and Powell?! Why are they retaining their minds?! Why isn't Jenny freaked out about all of this?! She's giving a little Mona Lisa smile here! Admittedly, we don't know what goes on inside the minds of infected people, but this is just silly! She just killed a fricking cat and discovers she needs to kill to survive and absorb people with her tentacles, but she's completely unfazed by this! What, is it because she's got her boyfriend back in her head? Why did Powell-Thing even care about this?! IT'S TRYING TO INFECT HUMANITY!! That was its entire goal when it was trying to leave the Antarctic and South America ALL THIS DAMN TIME!!

(Cut to a clip of the original Thing movie, showing a computer scanning the cell of a dog)

Linkara (v/o): And the eating doesn't even make sense! Dead cells?! Um, when Wilford Brimley look at its cells, they looked perfectly functional and were still active and assimilating things! Hell, the Thing is already a superior lifeform that can survive being frozen multiple times without adverse side effects! Oh, hey, you don't even need to take my word for it; the movie proves this is bullcrap!

Fuchs (Joel Polis): (reading from notebook) "There is still cellular activity in these burned remains. They're not dead yet!"

(Back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): And if it was trying to keep a low profile and be content to just eat up living creatures and go on with its existence, why is it fixated on humans?! Just assimilate a bird and eat fish for the rest of your life! Or hell, any wild animal! Oh, but no! We needed it to be the psychic mental remains of another person speaking to Jenny. And don't tell me the Thing is affecting her mind. Why would it need to do that? It's in charge! Jenny didn't know she could summon tentacles! What, did all the people at Outpost 31 know they were infected, but were perfectly okay with it once the mental remains of Bennings calmly explained to them, (as Bennings) "No, no, it's okay, man, we just need to eat people now"? And then they were all like, "Oh, yeah, that sounds reasonable"? I mean, can you imagine Childs from the last miniseries when he went all Rambo-Thing and he's just like, (as Childs) "Geez, Mac, if you just got infected, you'd see this is perfectly sane and rational"? And of course, I have the most important question of all in regards to any of this: WHY DID JENNY'S HAIR GO CRAZY WHEN SHE FIRST STABBED THE CAT?!?

(Linkara having asked a lot of questions, cut to the obligatory clip of Batman Forever)

Bruce Wayne (Val Kilmer): It just raises too many questions.

Linkara: I mean... I'm not crazy here, am I? This is silly at best, downright stupid at worst: reducing an unknowable, inhuman monstrosity into some dude being waaaaaay to clingy to his girlfriend!

Linkara (v/o): But let's move on and see the parade of idiocy continue, shall we? Issue 2's cover is also quite disturbing, with another little purple Thing creature... Yeah, I guess the default color for the Thing in this comic is purple now, although at this point, I don't know if it's this or the Thing from "Starstream" that's less dignified. ...menacing Jenny. Not that it makes any sense, but maybe it's metaphorical, and she's not completely into this, and this is her representation of her fighting back, trying to resist the Thing, but also being terrified of it. Spoilers: she is totally into this and does not care that she's a shapeshifting monster that eats people. Also, did Powell just not like that coffee table? Why the hell is the Thing just sitting in its remains?

(The comic opens to the first page)

Linkara (v/o): We open again at the hotel bar from the first issue, where the guy involved in that fight, Holt, leaves and sees Jenny in an alleyway. Naturally, she is in her underwear.

Linkara: I am beginning to suspect that this woman does not own any other clothes.

Linkara (v/o): I mean, yeah, she was in a different outfit at work, but for all I know, she could have been borrowing those from the store to model. Anyway, she's whispering for someone to help her, and Holt helps her up. Aaaand she stabs him with the purple tentacles. And again with the hair, although kudos on having her face in shadow. It gives a nice spooky effect.

Jenny: (narrating) Ahhhhhhhhh... Food... No! It's not right...

Linkara: (as Jenny) It's too fattening! It'll go right to my hips!

Linkara (v/o): And in case you were thinking this was her developing a conscience, nope! It's because it's not a human. Yep, as it turns out, Holt is actually Powell.

Powell: Ha ha ha ha ha... Jenny! My little Jen... I wondered how long it would take.

Linkara: (as Powell) Glad you did, too; the tentacles were starting to get kind of awkward.

Linkara (v/o): So, yeah, I guess Powell ate Holt last night due to not being able to finish the fisherman, which is again headscratching.

(Cut to a panel of "Climate of Fear")

Linkara (v/o): Previously, the Thing absorbed people into itself. It didn't leave bodies behind unless it hadn't finished absorbing them. AND THE ONES LEFT BEHIND WERE INFECTED! And anyway, wouldn't it be easier to make it look like sailors going AWOL instead of leaving corpses, especially since this is supposed to be a food thing? Why are you only taking a nibble instead of actually consuming the whole? Hell, why did he even change from Powell to Holt? What the hell did he gain by the switch? One of the other shipmates from the bar apparently followed behind Holt and now is confused by the presence of the dead Powell. So, of course, everything goes sepia-toned and the guy is murdered. And left there, because I guess Powell filled up on Beer Nuts at the hotel bar, so he's not hungry... I guess, and guesses are all I have remaining to make sense of this stupid-ass comic. We cut over to a helicopter landing nearby, with a very familiar-looking, long-haired fellow as he takes out the fictional M2 A39 Flamethrower. Yep, MacReady is here, finally. How did he know the Thing was here? Also, the sound his helicopter makes is "WOCCAWOCCA".

Linkara: Maybe that's it: this whole thing is just an elaborate joke being played on me.

Linkara (v/o): Back over to Powell and Jenny, Powell explains that his voice she heard earlier was not actually him. Wait, so she had a Cylon inside her head?

Powell: Not me, my darling. You. Your instinct for survival.

Linkara: (as Powell) Your instinct for survival needs to come from your love interest. You have no survival instinct of your own.

Powell: My cells were the seed... so it borrowed my voice.

Jenny: I... I don't understand.

Linkara: That's because it doesn't make any sense, but don't worry, you get used to it.

Linkara (v/o): I mean, her instinct to survive what?! The deadly black cat that was in no way an actual danger to her? And it spoke in his voice despite her thinking he was dead? Ergh! Whatever. She admits she hasn't eaten anything besides the cat, and he says she needs to constantly replace the dead cells with fresh cells, and the two join together. So enjoy this brief representation of Thing sex. Eww! In doing so, we get some backstory about where this one came from. Powell shares its memories. It was on board the submarine from the end of the first miniseries, and despite us already seeing "Climate of Fear", that it surfaced and became a seal, it turns out that the Thing actually infected a fish.

Jenny: That, that's you, Powell... (giggles)

Powell: Jennifer, please, a little respect for your father.

Jenny: (giggles) Sorry, Daddy... Darling.

Linkara: (utterly disgusted) EWWW! EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, EW, EWWW!! Okay, now we're getting into "Avengers #200" territory with this! EWWWWW!!!

Linkara (v/o): The fish was caught in a net by the Gettysburg... that was apparently fishing around the fricking Antarctic on the OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET, since they were supposed to be close to the tip of South America! And when taken aboard, the Thing assimilated the original Powell.

Jenny: My mind, these thoughts... not... I... I am the fish. I am the man. The man is the fish?

Linkara: But who was Foon?!

Linkara (v/o): So congratulations, this story has gotten even dumber! The implication here is not even that Powell is human with Thing powers, but in fact, the Thing fell in love with some random New Zealand woman couldn't decide if it was a fish or a person! Kinda takes away the mystique of the Thing, doesn't it? I mean, all that work, all the people who died to stop the Thing from reaching the mainland, and it turns out they should've just let it go, since all it wanted was to go live in New Zealand and settle down. Honestly, this feels more like the inspiration for Species than anything related to The Thing! Ugh! Anyway, MacReady checks into the hotel, which I'm pretty sure they've copied and pasted the same establishing shot of it at least three times now, and learns about the murders. So, either he's lying about not knowing about them or he has even less reason to be here. Hell, who exactly is funding his little search for the Thing? The Argentinians? Why isn't he leaving this to proper authorities now and enjoying some whiskey and a chess computer as far away from this as possible?! You can't say nobody knows about the Thing. The Americans were fully briefed, same as the Argentinians. There should be specialists here, not a friggin' helicopter pilot! Over to Rowan at the hotel bar, where he informs everyone that they're instituting a curfew on both the crew and the townspeople.

Linkara: Do visiting police officers in New Zealand have the authority to declare martial law?

Linkara (v/o): The captain of the Gettysburg goes with Rowan to find Holt and the guy Powell murdered earlier, but they just find MacReady, who's testing the blood of the murdered man. Naturally, Rowan places MacReady under arrest when they see the suspicious stranger poking a hot knife into a blood splatter. In other news, the Gettysburg captain is holding a flaming torch. Maybe he suspects that Frankenstein is responsible for the murders. Back over to Powell and Jenny, she has some more insight for us.

Jenny: (narrating) Alien. Alone. Confused. I miss the water.

Powell: (narrating) We all do.

Linkara: (exasperated) THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU STAY AS A FISH?!?!?

Powell: To continue to survive, you must absorb cells... Living cells. But remember, Jennifer, only exchange them for your dead. Just one living cell returned will infect the victim and give rise to a new generation.

(The title for a new made-up film is shown: The Thing: The Next Generation. The theme for Star Trek: The Next Generation plays. Cut back to the comic)

Powell: And that means competition.

Linkara: (sarcastically) Oh, of course! (massages forehead) How silly of me! I assumed that when the Thing was doing its damnedest to spread itself to everyone else, it was trying to infect them! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It didn't want competition for the buffet. (laughs and massages forehead again) That's not ridiculous at all. (shakes head)

Powell: Keep Wallace yours and yours alone, and she will sustain you for years.

Jenny: The whole town... Oh God... Powell...

Powell: Hey, hey, I know darling...

Linkara (v/o): Who's "darling"? Oh, wait, they just forgot the comma there. Silly me.

Powell: The conflict between the memories of your human nature and the needs of your cells will take time to resolve.

Linkara (v/o): Are there big chunks of this story missing? I have no idea what the hell they're talking about now.

Powell: It hurts, but it will pass. And I will always be there for you. Now that our blood has mixed, we will live within each other. We are one. Together... forever...

(Cut to a clip of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 gang watching The Starfighters)

Mike: Now, why don't you kiss her instead of talking her to death?

(Back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): So, about that "living off the town for years" thing... BULLCRAP! You can't keep murdering people for years like this! Someone's gonna notice as the list of suspects dwindles, especially because it's a friggin' small town! People are gonna move away, and if you move away and start murdering the next town over, I think someone'll connect the dots! Over to the police station, they verify MacReady's story about being a tourist. It doesn't rule him out as a suspect, but makes it less likely that's him. Rowan wants to know what his interest is in the murders, and MacReady declines talking about the matter any further.

Rowan: Save that Yank TV crap for when you're at home "mate." You're in New Zealand now. There's no pleading the "Fifth" here.

Linkara: You're right, of course. He needs to plead the Twenty-Second. Section 22 of the New Zealand Bill of Rights guarantees anyone arrested the right to remain silent. And to be informed of that right.

Linkara (v/o): Now, a smart person would argue that the New Zealand Bill of Rights wasn't codified until 1990, and The Thing took place in 1983. However, this comic came out in 1994, and considering everything else that's happened, do you really think the makers of this comic remembered that? Anyway, MacReady explains that the killer is a "disease"... I was going to raise a stink about that description, but on reflection, telling them that it's an alien is not gonna get them on your side, so fair enough. ...that was spread from one of the crew members of the ship.

Rowan: A disease. Hmmm... That could account for the old man's deformity.

MacReady: Yeah, that's sort of a transient stage the victim goes through during the infection. In fact, it was a report of the old man's condition that first tipped me off to its presence here in Wallace.

Linkara (v/o): One, when the hell has there ever been a transient stage during infection? You're infected and absorbed by the Thing! You could remain human-looking the entire time if it's just a stray cell. Two, that happened only one night ago in comic time! Did you get this report and fly out in a helicopter from wherever you were before this?! Three, how could you get this supposed report? Even assuming a lot of time had passed since the end of "Climate of Fear", YOU ARE A HELICOPTER PILOT!! YOU ARE NOT IN THE CHAIN OF COMMAND!! Four, even if you did get this supposed report, all you know is that a dude was half-melted and goopy! It could've been toxic waste or acid burns, for all you know! Why the hell did you immediately jump on "It must have been the Thing" when you know damn well in the past that if it had attacked the old man, it wouldn't have left a corpse, it would have been infected and walking around again! FIVE, excepting ALL of this, WHY ARE YOU HERE ALONE?!?! Get Agapito and his cyborg arm and the crew of the American ship from "Climate of Fear" to come help you! GOD, THIS COMIC SUCKS!!! Rowan is strangely accepting of all this information, saying it makes sense, especially after MacReady talks about the destruction of Outpost 31.

MacReady: We thought then we'd contained the spread, but it seems we were wrong.

Linkara: Are we just ignoring that "Climate of Fear" ever happened? They make absolutely no reference to the events of that story during any of these issues, just the first miniseries!

Linkara (v/o): Except, of course, MacReady was lying, freezing to death on an iceberg at the end of that story, so that doesn't make any sense either! ARGH! Rowan tells the captain the Gettysburg and its crew are under quarantine while the investigation continues. Powell shapeshifts back into Holt's form and even tenderly says goodbye to Jenny while she sleeps. Aw, it's almost enough to make you forget all the people it's eaten. Holt is confronted on the docks by the captain, Rowan and MacReady and brought to the police station. Naturally, he's sweating because that sure was something the Thing did during the many blood tests it's seen so far. Apparently, they've already tested everyone else, and Holt is the last one. The captain tries to reassure Holt it's gonna be fine, but Rowan yells at him not to touch him. Naturally, Holt fails the blood test and transforms into... uh, that (...which is a purple monstrosity with several human faces, mouths with sharp teeth, and long claws and tentacles). Don't know why it has multiple human faces mixed in with the purple ones, but whatever; MacReady torches it. And so, our comic ends with the Thing shapeshifting into various previous forms it's taken on, even though that's not what happens when you torch it! But hey, they need to do that so they can see Jenny before it finally dies, leaving... a skeleton? A SKELETON?!?!

(Cut to a clip of The Thing from 1982)

MacReady: You've got to be fucking kidding!

Linkara: (angrily holding up both comics) THESE COMICS SUCK!! Ho, but this is just the beginning, my friends! Next time, we see what other new information we can learn about the Thing that contradicts the rest of the franchise!

TO BE CONTINUED

(End credits roll)

I'm guessing the scene with the cat eating the blood-stained fish was supposed to mirror how the Thing needs to eat people, but that's just idiotic.

The only other implication with them retaining their personalities is that they're just people with Thing powers, but again – they're completely unfeeling about their new status and only care about screwing each other. Plus the whole memories of being the Thing make a lot of that head-scratching.

(Stinger: Linkara notices his living room is adorned with Christmas decorations as well as Halloween decorations. He scratches his head in confusion)

Linkara: Okay, now this is just starting to get silly.

Dr. Linksano: Ah. (Linkara is startled by Linksano's sudden appearance) Hello, Linkara.

Linkara: You, uh, said you had news for me.

Dr. Linksano: (holding up index finger) And indeed I do! Very good news, in fact.

Linkara: Were you able to figure out a way to jam the King of Worms' signals?

Dr. Linksano: I'm afraid not. And if those signals are indeed responsible for controlling the Cybermats, it's not safe to turn them back on yet.

Linkara: Then what's up?

Dr. Linksano: You said you wanted to attack the King of Worms, yes? Well, I found a way.

Linkara: How?

Dr. Linksano: I have found a way to enter its realm. The (makes "air quotes") "Court of Worms", as it were.

Linkara: Well, we already know that. Nimue was able to pinpoint the location of its portal into our dimension. Problem is, it would probably see us coming.

Dr. Linksano: Indeed. We require a back door, which is exactly what I've created.

(He holds up a small whiteboard diagram of this back door, which is labeled "Dimension Gate". In big letters, it reads "NOT EVIL PLAN", along with another message reading "SCIENCE!")

Dr. Linksano: With the study of magic I've been doing lately, I've been able to discover a way to open a secondary portal into the King of Worms' dimension. I will set up an archway that will project energy into a confined space. Then, you will use your magic gun to fire a burst of energy into it, while simultaneously using your magic wand to adjust the beam as it fires so that it will cut a hole into that universe, and we can charge in and attack.

Linkara: If you say so. After we defeat the King, how do we close the portal? I'd rather not have a dimensional portal enter open in my living room. The one in my office took a few days to close.

Dr. Linksano: Once I switch the projectors off, the magic energy from your gun will dissipate and it will just close on its own, although I admit I don't really know how you expect to kill the King of Worms once we're inside.

Linkara: Well, as you know, we were finally able to crack the database Vyce had gathered on how to fight creatures like the Entity. We'll have a ready-made arsenal for fighting eldritch horrors before we make the attempt. Good work, doc. I'll let the others know. (walks off)

Dr. Linksano: (giving an A-OK sign) Just doing my job! (he then looks to hear strange whispering) I hear and obey.

(To a dramatic sting, the screen goes black)

(end)

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