Channel Awesome
The Thing from Another World: Eternal Vows: #1-2

At4w the thing from another world eternal vows 1 2 by mtc studios-d819yyd-1024x452.png

Released
October 6, 2014
Running time
31:41
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Tagline
The Thing is a shapeshifting monstrosity trying to make you think it's something it's not... much like this comic.
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(Open on the title for this series, parodying The Thing, suspenseful music and all, then cut to Linkara sitting on his futon as always. The shelves behind him have Halloween decorations on some of them)

Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. It's October. The atmosphere is getting spooky. There's a chill in the air. (gestures behind him with thumb) There's a guy in bad makeup talking about horror comics in his own dumb video series (gestures offscreen with thumb) in another room. And I have to see a horror franchise get crapped on in sequential art!

(Covers of previous issues of "The Thing From Another World" are shown)

Linkara (v/o): Although, much as the "Thing From Another World" comics deserve to get criticized and slammed in this show, I'll say that the ones we've seen in the last two years are still the length of Antarctica better than the "Silent Hill" comics. The "Thing" comics may be bad, but there are lots of good ideas present, and I get the impression that the creators at least have seen The Thing. I mean, I don't think they were paying very close attention to it to the degree that a nerd like me would, but I get the idea that they were fans of it and were trying to tell a good story, even if they didn't really succeed.

Linkara: (sarcastically) Well, it sure is a good thing that all of them are gone now, because welcome to today's offering: "The Thing From Another World: Eternal Vows", a comic made by people who have not only clearly never seen the movie, but apparently have never read the sequel comics either!

(Cut to a shot of "The Thing: Climate of Fear" is shown)

Linkara (v/o): And yet this is still supposed to be taking place after those events because of some elements we'll be seeing in the story, but I'll get to those. Seriously, this is quite possibly the worst story related to The Thing ever made.

(Cut to footage of the 2011 version of The Thing)

Linkara (v/o): Yes, loathe as I am to say it, the 2011 prequel movie is so much better than this comic! Again, it's because someone had to have at least seen The Thing to make that story. NOT so much here!

Linkara: So let's dig into (holds up today's comics, one at a time) "The Thing From Another World: Eternal Vows #1" and "#2" and start putting this franchise to rest on this show!

(AT4W title theme plays, and the title card has "We Are One" by Lydia playing in the background. Cut to more shots of past "Thing" comics)

Linkara (v/o): Here's a quick recap in case you're joining us late: the Thing survived the end of the movie; crashed a submarine; went to South America; infected Childs, AKA Raptor Dude; and MacReady killed it forever and ever, except not really, of course.

(Cut to a closeup of the cover of the first issue "Eternal Vows")

Linkara (v/o): The cover is good, featuring a guy being dragged into an alleyway by the Thing. Yes, an alley in a city; we'll get to that in a bit. And we even see scrapes in the grass left by his fingers. Well, I presume it's grass. Otherwise, the cement for the pavement is actually made of Play-Doh.

(Cut to the comic's credits)

Linkara (v/o): One thing of particular note about this series is the penciler, Paul Gulacy. Don't recognize the name? You should. He's the penciler on another series that we finished up a few weeks ago: "SCI-Spy". Yeah, you have him to thank for...

(Cut to a shot of the hideous female robot from the first issue)

Linkara (v/o): ...this!

(Cut back to the "Thing" credits)

Linkara (v/o): To be fair, though, he's a perfect fit for actually creating some of the inhuman, bizarre appearances the Thing would take on.

(Cut to another shot of "SCI-Spy")

Linkara (v/o): Unfortunately, "SCI-Spy" proved that he seemed to have difficulty with basic human anatomy, so there might be a problem there when the story should have mostly humans walking and talking.

(Cut back to the "Thing" comic, as it opens to the first page)

Linkara (v/o): We open in Wallace Harbour, Stewart Island, in Southern New Zealand. A black cat approaches a man fishing off the dock and the man accidentally pricks his finger on the hook, drawing blood.

Fisherman: After 75 years you'd think that I'd have learned how to bait a hook without stabbing my finger, eh, Puss? Damn, that hurt!

Linkara: What, do you still whine like that when you get injections at the doctor's office? Man up!

Linkara (v/o): The cat goes over to his bucket-o-fish-caught, and he gives the cat one of them, smearing some of his blood on it as well. Aaaand scene over.

Linkara: Opening pages, and it feels more like a story set with the man-eating cats from Corpse Grinders than it does The Thing.

Linkara (v/o): We cut over to a man and woman having sex for two pages. At least, I presume that's what they're doing. This guy looks like he really wants to eat her chin. The guy puts on some clothes and says his farewells to her, informing the woman, Jenny, that they won't be able to see each other for a few nights since he's got night watches for a bit. She's distraught about the possibility of him leaving soon, but he informs her that they won't be leaving, due to an ongoing murder investigation in the town. Cut over to a hotel bar, where naturally a brawl is breaking out by some guy just yelling at an officer [Holt].

Man: Hey, ya Yank bastard, I'm talkin' to ya!

Holt: Yeah?

(Cut to a clip of Resident Evil)

Enrico: Yeah?

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): Aaaand punch.

Linkara: Good to see the military being portrayed well, what with them staying calm while being insulted by drunk idiots.

Linkara (v/o): The drunk guy's friends restrain him to prevent the fight from going any further, but it's stopped by the arrival of... uh, John Constantine?*

  • NOTE: It's actually Detective Sergeant Rowan.

Rowan: What's going on here? Well?

(Cut to a clip of an episode of the classic Star Trek, showing Kirk walking up and down a line of his crew suspiciously)

Kirk: I want to know who started it. I'm waiting.

(Back to the comic again)

Linkara (v/o): Sergeant Constantine or whatever says that he instructed him and his crew about not drinking in this hotel since the second body was found.

Holt: Boy, you kiwis sure stick together, don't you?

Rowan: How did it start, Holt?

(Cut again to the same clip of the Star Trek episode as before)

Kirk: (addressing the line of suspects) I want to know who threw the first punch.

(Cut back to the comic)

Holt: Am I under arrest?

Rowan: Not for now.

Holt: Then go to hell.

Linkara: (as Holt) Up yours for being calm and rational! Dickhead!

Rowan: (to the drunkard) You! What caused this fight?

Linkara (v/o): Dude's really obsessed with this minor scuffle. No wonder the murderer hasn't been caught yet.

Drunkard: Ah, sod off, Rowan! You're not welcome either, "mainlander."

Linkara: What a great bar; more insults thrown around than a YouTube comments section.

Linkara (v/o): The worst part is that this is actually Happy Hour. I just realized, a murder investigation involving American Navy officers in Australia? Or New Zealand, in this case?

Linkara: (frustrated)' Now this comic wants to be a sequel to (makes "air quotes") "Death of a Soldier"! Can we please get to the Thing already?!

Linkara (v/o): We cut back over to the fisherman, where a man seen only in shadow approaches him. When the black cat from before hisses and runs away, we see purple-spined tentacles emerge from the man and stab the fisherman. The fisherman's screams attract Sgt. Rowan, forcing the Thing to run off without finishing the assimilation of the fisherman and leaving his body behind.

Linkara: (throws comic aside) Well, I can stop now! Story's over! The Thing is in a modern city! End of the world, Ma! That was pretty clearly established from the movie! (scowls)

Linkara (v/o): Or at least it should be, but apparently, the Thing is no longer just spreading to people! Now, later, it's gonna try to explain why it hasn't just tried to start infecting every single friggin' thing it can, but they do so in the most asinine, bassackwards way it can! What's worse, remember that in the comic continuity here, ONE TOUCH is all that's necessary to infect someone, so now that it's on the mainland, all that it has to do is poke somebody in the neck or something, and instant infection! So now it's time to be really, really silly! Okay, so, Sgt. Rowan runs up to the dead body of the fisherman.

Linkara: (as Rowan) All right, you, who started the fight in the bar? (Linkara lays over with his tongue out, pretending to be dead, in imitation of the fisherman, before reverting back to Rowan) ANSWER ME!

Linkara (v/o): And the fisherman is half-goop by now, so Rowan reaches down and touches it, because he's S-M-R-T. In case you're wondering by the way, no, he is not infected, even though by EVERYTHING WE HAVE ESTABLISHED about the Thing, in EVERY ONE of the other media about the Thing, he should be!

(Cut to Phelous running up)

Phelous: Great continu–

(Cut back to the comic again, however, before Phelous can finish and give his thumbs-up)

Linkara (v/o): Ah, screw it, I can't even be bothered to use that clip. It doesn't have nearly enough sarcasm for how idiotic a mistake this is, and we're STILL ONLY ON THE FIRST ISSUE! Nearby, the guy from the bar earlier is watching and then meets up with Mustachioed Guy who was sleeping with Jenny. Next scene! We cut over to Jenny lounging around her kitchen in her underwear.

Linkara: Because that's what The Thing was missing this whole time: FANSERVICE!!

Linkara (v/o): She's feeling sick, but don't worry, she's not pregnant; it's much dumber. The black cat from the docks comes up to her as she takes out the garbage, while still clad only in her underwear, and nuzzles her leg. She gives the cat her dinner and walks back inside, apparently leaving her door open like an idiot. The next morning, Jenny is at her job at a clothing store and Rowan comes in to talk to her.

Linkara: (as Rowan) I need to ask you some questions about the barroom fight last night.

Linkara (v/o): He's basically just confirming when Powell, the guy she was sleeping with, left that night. After she confirms it, we learn that Powell has been murdered. Naturally, Rowan tells her in the most unsympathetic manner possible, simply stating that he was murdered last night and continues questioning her.

Linkara: You know, maybe people don't want to talk to Rowan, not because he's a mainlander, but because he's a complete dumbass.

Linkara (v/o): The news causes Jenny to faint, and we cut over to her walking on a beach, mourning not only the loss of her boyfriend, but also the other murder victims. It's a small town, so everybody knows each other. She feels sick again and collapses, then immediately gets back up and walks off. And we see what appears to be worms or tentacles or something emerging from under a seashell. Don't ask me what the hell this is indicating.

(Editor's note: "ACTUALLY, AS PEOPLE WERE KEEN TO POINT OUT LATER, IT'S A MAN O' WAR. STILL POINTLESS.")

Linkara (v/o): Did she throw up? Did the Thing infect an oyster?! Later that evening, Jenny is at home in front of the fire and once more in her underwear.

Linkara: Any second now, she's gonna pull out a tape recorder and start talking about how much sexier Superman is than Batman.

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