The Thief and the Cobbler

http://fc09.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2010/327/2/6/nc___thief_and_the_cobbler_by_marobot-d33h7mz.jpg

Run time: 21:05

Date: 23rd Nov 2010

NC: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have you. Today's film is... erm... interesting.

(INTERESTING = BULLSHIT)

NC: And when I said 'interesting' I mean it has a very interesting history. The name of the film is the Thief and the Cobbler. (Thief and the Cobbler title card appears.)

(Film clips are shown.)

NC (voiceover): If a film can't decide on what the title is how can it decide on the audience it's going to appeal to? Is it appealing to toddlers, to older children, to the mainstream Warner crowd, the surrealist fantasy crowd? What? What! (onscreen) Well before I talk about the film let's talk about... the film. Once upon a time there was an animator called Richard Williams. (voiceover as photographs of Williams are shown) He's said to be one of the great animation directors, having done the Chuck Jones-produced 'Christmas Carol', that trippedy 'Ragedy Ann' film and, probably his biggest accomplishment, the animation for 'Star Wars' Yet before all of that he started production on 'The Thief and the Cobbler' in 1964. It was released in 1993. What the hell happened all that time? Well apparently the film was independently funded and Williams went on and on saying that this was going to be his masterpiece, because of this the film took years and years of perfecting and financing to finally get it finished. In face one of the actors (picture of Vincent Price) died before the film even got released! Vincent Price recorded his dialogue over twenty years before it ever saw the light of day. And as of now it continues to be the longest time it's ever taken to complete an animated picture. Because this turkey was taking so long the film was bought by the Completion Bond Company and kicked Williams off the project, having it released by Miramax and putting together their own half-assed cut that is still concidered to be the cum-bucket of a dead cock. (onscreen) This is that version. So let's see how this magnum opus went to magnum anus in the Thief and the Cobbler!

NC (voiceover): So we start off appropriately enough with a little backstory.

Narrator: Legend has it that each shooting star is really an arabian knight flying across the heavens.

NC: (shocked) Oh, god, don't tell me!

Matthew Broderick (in Godzilla scene): That's a lot of fish.

NC: VAGINA SHIT!!!

NC (voiceover): That's right. *sigh* Mathew Broderick is the star of this movie. Must've been one of the wonderful choices the BOND company made seeing as how he was probably a sperm by the time the movie began production.

Narrator: Long before the heroic tales of Aladdin and Ali Baba, the first arabian knight was chosen.

NC: You hear that, Warner? We sort of beat you to it!

Narrator: The golden city of Baghdad. High atop it's tallest tower were three golden balls who's magic protected it from the evil king One-Eye and his Army of Darkness. (a scene from Army of Darkness plays) According to prophecy, if the balls were ever removed, Baghdad would be in great danger.

NC: (tries to say something but stops himself)... No comment.

NC (voiceover): So, we finally see our hero simply known as Tack. A pretty pale looking character for someone who lives in the desert.

Narrator/Tack: At the time I was a poor orphan working as a cobbler's apprentice, life was simple.

NC (voiceover): And an answer to your question, No, I don't know why he looks like Beetlegeuse's Raggedy Ann doll. But, he's not the only one, we also have the Thief played by Jonathan Winters. He never talks in the movie...

(Hurrah!)

NC (voiceover): But, sadly someone decided to put a microphone in his brain.

(Hurroof.)

Thief: (while looking around Tack's shop) What a dump. Nobody lives like this except collage kids...

NC (voiceover): At first, this isn't too bad, but trust me, it gets really annoying really fast. So, while he tries to steal from the cobbler, the yellow submarine pride parade is happening outside welcoming the arrival of wizard Zigzag play by Vincent Price.

The thief and Tack roll out of the shop while Tack drops his tacs. Zigzag ends up stepping on one and screams in pain.

Zigzag: (angerly) Take him into the palace!

Guards surround tack each drawing their scimitars to his neck. The scene switches to Princess Yum Yum and her nanny.

NC (voiceover): So, Tack is captured as we cut to our love interest in the movie, Princess Yum Yum.

NC: (confused) Okay, hold on... Tack, Zigzag and Yum Yum? These aren't names, these are words an infant is trying to say for the first time! (A picture of a baby's head is shown)

NC: (Imitating a baby) (a picture of a tac) Tack! (a picture of a maze) Zigzag! (a picture of a slice of pie) Yum Yum! (The Thief and the Cobbler Logo) Shitty fuck fuck fuck shitty fuck shit fuck!!!

NC (voiceover): Okay, the princess has a -real- original backstory--are you ready for this? I bet you never heard this one before--listen... (sarcastically) She's tired of her boring life! And in a bizarre twist, she dreams of wanting more!

(...More what?)

Princess: I know I could do more if I just had the chance. This life I live in regal splender seems a waste.

NC (voiceover): (sarcastically again) I do hope there's a tired unoriginal musical number to tell us what we already know what she feels!

Princess: (singing) Born just to delight (NC (voiceover): right on cue!) and bred to behave/but she's more than this/There's a mind in the body of this pretty miss!...

NC (voiceover): (disgusted) By god is this song bland! I mean, this is like eating styrofoam on weat toast it's that bland! It's like someone approached somebody like Alan Menken and said...

Producer (offscreen): Hey, can you write an original song?

NC: (imitating Alan Menken, excitedly) Sure! What's it about?

Producer (offscreen): It's about a princess who's dreaming of more.

NC: (imitating Alan Menken, unimpressed) Oh... Alright

"Menken" pulls out a bowl, and starts to deficate. He then hands the bowl to the producer.

NC: (imitating Alan Menken) *sigh*, Yup, that's should do it.

NC (voiceover): (Sarcastically... Again.) Oh, and just like those other Disney songs where the landscapes and grand visuals ares tunning, this musical performance has spinning... and spinning... and... (shouting) MORE FUCKING SPINNING!!! GOD, IT'S LIKE THEY GOT THE CHOREOGRAPHY FROM THE TASMANIAN BALLET THEATER!!! (as he says that last part, a picture of a building with logo that says "Tasmanian Ballet Theatre" with the Tasmanian Devil appears.) So, Tack is brought to the king as Zigzag's prisoner, when Yum Yum meets him for the first time.

The princess and tack stare at each other. First, Yum Yum tilts her head to her right, as does Tack and the critic. She then tilts her head to the right, as the Tack and the critic. Eventually, she keeps her head straight, as does the critic and (head rotates) What the heck???

NC (voiceover): But, the princess informs her father that she needs a cobbler. So, he's called in to fix her shoe. Meanwhile, we discover has an evil plan to... You guessed it: take over the...

M. Bison: Of course!

NC: ... World.

Zigzag: With Princess Yum Yum at my side, the crown (quietly) is mine by right.

NC (voiceover): Oh, by the way, did I mention that he speaks entirely in rhyme?

In an earlier scene...

Zigzag: O greatest king of all the earth, this low born cobbler of no worth, attacked me in the square today. shall we take his head away?

NC (voiceover): I'm not even sure I really get it. Why does he speak in rhyme if everybody else doesn't? Is there a reason for it?

NC: I mean, what makes him so special? I don't ge--

The critic's phone rings.

NC: Excuse me.

He picks up his phone.

(To be continued)