(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from The Suite Life Movie)
Doug (vo): It's The Suite Life of Zack & Cody: The Movie, yet again, another movie based on a show I didn't watch, and if this movie is any indication of what the show is like, I think it's pretty obvious why I didn't watch it. The Suite Life starts off by ironically having nothing to do with suites, in fact, it's actually on a ship. I'll just assume something happened in the show to make that happen. Actually, it's a little weird, seeing how Zack and Cody aren't technically in the title of this movie, only "The Suite Life" is, and yet there's no suite in it, so honestly, this entire movie is a complete lie.
Doug (vo): Regardless, Zack and Cody are identical twins, but one of them has a problem. He won an internship to get into Yale, which means he can't hang out with his girlfriend a bit. She gets pissed off, splitting up with him, and to make things worse, his smart aleck brother messes up his internship, getting him thrown out. But it looks like the scientist he was working with has another internship for him, one that involves, no surprise, twins. So they're both sent to his lab that experiments on twins to see if they can create a certain fruit, where the more you eat it, the more you can feel each other's pain, grow empathy and eventually become one mind. But, wait. Isn't that a bad thing? Well, yes, it is, when we discover that the scientist actually has evil plans to turn all twins into one hive and force them to take over...I don't know...the world? It's kind of a weird plan for kind of a weird movie.
Doug (vo): So the biggest problem of the film is very obvious: It's not funny. But I don't think it's supposed to be funny to me. This is funny to the same crowd that liked, say, Good Burger, like, little, little kids. One of the earliest jokes they have is mishearing "mammal" for "camel".
(The SS Tipton's manager, Mr. Moseby (Phil Lewis), is shown observing the dolphins with the ship's owner, London Tipton (Brenda Song))
Mr. Moseby: Actually, London, they're not fish. They're mammals.
London Tipton: But they don't have humps.
Doug (vo): And if you didn't laugh at that, I'm sorry. That's what they think is the best joke. In fact, they do it four times in the film.
Mr. Moseby: They're not fishes, they're mammals.
London Tipton: Then why don't they have humps?
Doug (vo): The movie is mostly filled with humor like this and actors that aren't bad, but aren't good either. It's slow, clunky, awkward, but, again, I think it's that way because it's mainly aiming for little, little children to be watching it. And, yeah, you might be arguing, "Don't our little kids deserve better?", and, yeah, sure, but at the same time, there's nothing really harmful in this. I'm not watching this thinking it's like Camp Rock 2, where there's actually a bad message or bad ideas being thrown by. It even, once in a while, gets a little bit of a giggle, like the delivery from the mad scientist is legitimately well-timed, and once in a while, the girlfriend's delivery can get a few laughs.
Final thought Edit
Doug (vo): Everything else is just kind of what you think would be done with this concept, just kind of slow and not funny. But I'd be lying if I said I couldn't see an audience of little kids watching this and having a fun time. Is there anything in it for adults? No. Is there anything really that great for kids in it? No. If nobody sees it, is anyone gonna miss out on anything? Probably not. But nothing is gonna be made worse by seeing it either. It's like a sock puppet show. There's nothing really to it, but...what's there really to get angry at either? It's hitting the right crowd and not making anything worse. I know that's definitely not a glowing recommendation, but what can I say? This movie didn't leave that big an impact on me. If you like it, you're probably the exact right age group for it. And if you don't, you're probably the exact wrong age group for it. I guess I could be angry and say "Kids deserve a lot more", but honestly, it's just not worth the effort. It's Zack & Cody. It's stupid, but it's painless. Take it for what it's worth and just be happy it's not Cheetah Girls. And if you think that's the best thing I can say about it...you're right. Later.
(A scene showing a busy day at a boat pier next to a large city is shown)