The Star Wars 2

The Star Wars #2
Released	September 21, 2015
Running time	18:42
Previous review	US-1 5
Next review	Power Man and Iron Fist 79
Tagline	A saga of heroes, of villains, and of punching people who won't do what you say.
Link	http://atopthefourthwall.com/the-star-wars-2/

(The AT4W title appears in the same font as the iconic Star Wars font, then the storyline is revealed in the style of a Star Wars description crawl)

Episode CCCLXIV

THE STAR WARS #2

It is a period of hope and fear on the Internet. While fans remain optimistic about THE FORCE AWAKENS returning dignity and joy to the movie franchise, there are still three months before its opening in theaters.

Because the web series ATOP THE FOURTH WALL locks up what reviews it will be doing from October through December (mostly holidays and SECRET ORIGINS MONTH), D-list Internet celebrity LINKARA is forced to make a STAR WARS-themed in September instead of the more logical December. Fortunately, he also has something unique to review.

THE STAR WARS, a comic adaptation of GEORGE LUCAS' original rough draft screenplay of A NEW HOPE, features familiar names in unfamiliar surroundings as well as everybody wearing capes. LINKARA himself has only recently realized that he already possessed the cape that he had demanded in a previous review.

As for the comic plot so far, KANE STARKILLER has brought his son ANNIKIN to GENERAL LUKE SKYWALKER to be trained in the JEDI-BENDU (seriously) arts. Also a kid died, the EMPIRE plans to invade the world of AQUILAE, and a plague of NOUN CAPITALIZATION is sweeping over the galaxy.

Also Also: trade disputes...

(AT4W title theme plays; title card has Star Wars-sounding music playing in the background)

Linkara: (wearing a Jedi cloak) Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. If the opening text crawl didn't spell it out, today, we're digging into (holds up today's comic) issue 2 of "The Star Wars", where silly names abound, Kane Starkiller is a cyborg, and Darth Vader is just a dude with scars on his face.

(Cut to the first page of the comic)

Linkara (v/o): We open where we left off last time: Aquilae apparently under attack and our heroes in the war room.

Luke Skywalker: Are you sure it's not a battalion?

Mace: It's a solid object-- big as our third moon!

Linkara: "That's no Aquilaean third moon" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Linkara (v/o): They don't think it's a station because it's so huge, but it's also too slow to be a comet. Luke goes to inform the king of what's up, telling Annikin to stick close so he can do the training. Aaand Annikin's face and body language do not imply that he's all that enthusiastic about this. Ah, the joys of semi-realistic.

Linkara: See, I don't just pick on horrible '90s artwork. I pick on even good artwork. Do the Annikin! (mimics Annikin's less-than-enthusiastic expression and body language)

Kane: May the Force of others be with you, son.

Linkara: (as Kane) I mean, let's face it, you're pretty bad at the whole "laser sword" thing. Just hope that other people's Force is better than yours.

Linkara (v/o): Luke meets with the royal parents, who are watching the double sunset of Tatooquilae. Aaaand Annikin is apparently in the middle of his skiing exercises. The king asks if Kane will be joining them for dinner.

Luke: He left for the spaceport at Gordon to visit an old friend-- Han Solo, the Ureallian.

Linkara: (stroking chin in thought) Isn't that the guy who worked with a grizzly bear?

Linkara (v/o): At dinner, Luke talks about how one of his agents has disappeared and that there's unusual military traffic going on, so he wants approval to start mustering his forces for war. However, the king says he needs to do this legally, with the approval of "the full assembly", which I guess is the Senate or something on Aquilae. And then Annikin interrupts to inform us, with a mouthful of space chicken...

Annikin: The General... has taken me as...Padawan learner...

Linkara: I'm starting to understand why Luke became the main character in later drafts.

Linkara (v/o): The dinner itself is interrupted by an officer [Mace] informing Luke that the asteroid or whatever it was has disappeared.

Linkara: Well, we shouldn't be that surprised. A ship that size can have a cloaking device.

Linkara (v/o): Speaking of, is there any explanation why the Death Star is called a space station, despite not being, you know, stationary?

Linkara: (listlessly) Ugh, this is gonna be like the whole "why only red lightsabers" thing in the comments, isn't it? (rolls eyes) Ugh, whatever. Only losers care about this kind of minutiae. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have more important things to do, like cataloging every single time the number 47 appears in Star Trek.

Linkara (v/o): Anywho, back in the war room... Yeah, the thing has disappeared.

Luke: It's not possible. Something that size can't just disappear without a trace...check it again.

Mace: That's the tenth negative, sir.

Luke: I said check it again.

(Cut to a clip of Soul Whatever)

Lord Death: Check it again.

Death the Kid: Still dead.

(Monkey D. Luffy from One Piece appears next to Lord Death)

Lord Death: Check it again!

Death the Kid: Still dead!

Monkey D. Luffy: Check it again!

(Cut back to the comic)

Linkara (v/o): He also wonders where the hell Annikin is. And where is he? Uh... apparently trying to kiss that redhead from last issue. And she doesn't exactly look happy that he's trying to do so.

Linkara: Our hero, everybody: a potential, sexual predator!

Linkara (v/o): However, Luke calling out for Annikin gets him to jump forward to attention. Luke is really not that supportive of sexual harassment, so he pulls a lightsaber on Annikin and swings it at him. Annikin manages to get his up in time to block.

Luke: Enough.

Linkara: Enough what? All you did was swing at him.

Luke: You are well trained, but remember... a Jedi must be single minded...a discipline your father obviously never learned, hence your existence.

Linkara: (as Luke) Keep your lightsaber either in your pants or in your hands. And yes, I mean that both ways.

Linkara (v/o): Annikin has some questions, but once again, everything is interrupted, this time by the arrival of Captain Whitsun, the guy from last time who was looking for info at a cantina. He's on Aquilae now, but he's injured and suffering from exhaustion. With his last few breaths before going unconscious, he warns Luke that the Imperial Star Force are not far behind and that they have a giant space fortress. With that knowledge, Luke realizes that they'll be here before sunrise and gives orders to Annikin, probably to get him out of his hair.

Luke: Take the fastest landspeeder to Chathos. Pick up Princess Leia--and only Princess Leia.

Linkara: (as Luke) We've already got a lot of characters in this thing, and we don't need anyone more extraneous.

Luke: Return by way of the Great Reef. Most speed!

Linkara: (as Luke) Most get tickets for speeding, too.

Linkara (v/o): While Luke tries to contact the king... They must have finished up dinner quick, since now he's on his way to the assembly to get the codes to activate the war computers. Luke [sic] has already arrived at Leah's place to get her. He tells her to forget about her stuff, but she refuses to leave without them or her handmaiden. Acting superior – not unreasonably so, as this random dude just suddenly showed up and told him to go with him – she starts lightly hitting his back and demanding the handmaiden come. Aaaand he punches her.

Linkara: Annikin being a dick to his love interest! Interesting to see what did carry over into the movies.

Linkara (v/o): Luke is able to get in touch with the king and get the codes. The king himself orders his entourage to turn their cars around and fly back to the capital. We also see some... uh... hillbillies. I'm not even kidding.

Hillbilly: Strange, there's a morning star where there ain't no morning star.

Linkara: (as hillbilly) That's weird. Satan usually comes later than this.

Linkara (v/o): But said star turns out to be a blast that hits the king's entourage.

Hillbilly: Looks like we're going to have ourselves a war, Dad. Time to git our blasters and sound the alarm!

Linkara: (as hillbilly) The space South shall rise again!

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