October 14, 2020
(The Channel Awesome logo plays, followed by the 2020 NostalgiaWeen intro)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. You clicked on the video, you know what time it is! Play that cheesy-ass graphic!
(The title "Stephen King Time!" appears, which means, yep, NC is reviewing a Stephen King movie, as per NostalgiaWeen tradition. Then cut to a montage of Stephen King movies, several of which NC looked at previously)
NC (vo): Ah, Stephen King, you've brought so much joy into our lives. Not that his creativity hasn't delighted and inspired several generations now, but he's one of the few writers where his bad works are just as entertaining as his good works. When he goes for something, he goes big with it. And even though there's more Stephen King stories than there probably are (A shot of every Pokemon in exist is shown) Pokemon, people forget that a Stephen King project, even if it was bad, was often a big event. Yeah, some didn't get a ton of press, but I can't tell you how many times I've heard people hyped for the latest film or series that had his name attached to it.
(Posters of the following King movies are shown...)
(The poster for It: Chapter Two is shown)
NC (vo): Three times...uh...
(Cut back to the first two It posters)
NC (vo): Twice!
NC: And by far, one of the most hyped miniseries, if not the most hyped miniseries: The Stand.
(The title for The Stand is shown)
NC (vo): Based on his book about the size of five Bibles...
(As he says this, a shot of five copies of the Holy Bible is shown, alongside a shot of the original book, which has a comparably thick size to it)
NC (vo): ...with notes from Fox News... (The Fox News logo is added to the top of the stack of Bibles) ...The Stand was an instant hit when it premiered in 1994. And, unlike some of his other hit miniseries, which received mixed to negative reactions after watching them, The Stand was phenomenally well-received. Yes, this is one of the few Stephen King miniseries that audiences and critics liked from beginning to end. And with the series running a whopping six hours, and that's taking out commercial breaks, that's no small feat. The series was directed by Mick Garris and penned by King himself. And while their collaborations have been... (Shots of the posters for Sleepwalkers and The Shining are superimposed) memorable, to say the least, this truly is among their best work. So, you might be wondering, how am I gonna get that much material out of such a universally-beloved series?
NC: (shrugs) It is still Stephen King and Mick Garris, guys.
NC (vo): One of the things I love about these two is they go all out, which means they take more risks, which means there's always great, hilarious head-scratching moments. And God bless every one of them. But at six hours, I gotta stop yapping and hop right into this.
NC: So let's jump right into it. This is–
(He is interrupted, however, by the sound of a voice)
(It's an old woman (played by Malcolm) standing by her door)
Old Woman: You must make your way to my home!
NC: No, sorry, Mother Abigail, I got too much series to review.
Mother Abigail: But it's very important! I waited minutes in makeup for this. Minutes!
NC: Sorry, but I got way too much to get through. And that includes you, too, Tamara.
(Cut to Tamara, who is writing something behind her computer. She looks up)
Tamara: No, that's fine. (goes back to writing)
NC: (looking up to see what's going on) Um...What are you working on?
Tamara: I thought you said you were busy.
NC: Right, right! This is The Stand. (beat) Early taxes?
Tamara: Six hours, man!
NC: (hastily) You're right, you're right!
(The series begins with a black screen with the phrase "This is the way the world ends" written on it. The phrase appears a second time, then a third)
NC (vo): Aw, great, Jack Torrance wrote the screenplay. I thought this property had a restraining order against Garrus.
(As he says this, a shot of Jack Torrance is shown with a mallet, while another phrase appears at the bottom of the stack: "Not with a bang but a whimper.")
NC (vo): The film opens with a deadly virus being released and the government trying to downplay it...
NC: Ha! Fiction!
NC (vo): ...as one of the last surviving guards [Charlie Campion, played by Ray McKinnon] at a U.S. Reservation is told to lock up the gate, but he chooses to get his family out.
Voice on speaker: Use the manual override, Campion! Do it now! DO IT NOW!!
NC: (as Campion) Sorry, I can't follow unless you say that in your Arnold voice.
Voice on speaker: All right, fine. (as Arnold Schwarzenegger) DO IT NOW!!
NC: (as Campion, nods) Got it! (starts to leave)
(Campion and his family flee the reservation in their car as the gate rapidly closes ahead of them. He barely manages to get through the gate in the nick of time, the gate closing on the back of the car, causing the opening/closing mechanism to short out in a shower of sparks and stop dead)
NC (vo): Their child throws a doll out the window...
NC: (shrugs) Dumb kid.
NC (vo): ...and the credits roll to this very eerie imagery of all the people on the base dead while the radio plays.
(The song that plays on the radio happens to be "Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult)
NC (vo): Half of them were rushing to shout, "Ha-ha! More cowbell!"
(That night, Campion's car careens down the road and spins out, crashing into some pumps at a gas station, knocking them over and attracting all the attendants at the station, who come running over)
NC (vo): Later that night, the car is out of control, crashing into a nearby gas station.
(One of them tends to the barely-conscious Campion, covered in gas. It starts to rain)
NC (vo): Yeah, he looks safe to touch.
(Campion starts crying out and coughing)
Attendant 1: Put your head down!
Attendant 2: Maybe it's food poisoning. You know, he's got California license plates here, man.
NC: (as this attendant) To be fair, we did just eat at Boston Market.
NC (vo): The guard dies, but another base is trying its best to keep the virus under control. It's helmed by General Starkey, played by Ed Harris.
Gen. Starkey: (to another officer) This stuff as a communicability level of over 99%. Most people are gonna think they've got the plain old nonlethal flu right up to the very end.
(Cut to the Cinema Snob, who is stunned)
CS: (sarcastically) Boy, am I glad this has taken my mind off the news!
NC: (shaking head) I couldn't come up with something funnier than that, so I just stole it from the Snob's review.
NC (vo): I so want a King project just titled "Southern Accents".
Sheriff: Then there's been three more big transport planes land over Starland in Arkansas.
Store owner: Was Carl! I knew it was!
NC (vo): A nearby town in Texas is told about the deadly disease and how they have to quarantine.
(The store owner sneezes and another man stares at him)
Store owner: Maybe I oughta close up the station for the rest of the day.
NC: (as sheriff) All right, but don't you wear a mask. That's how you catch the communism!
NC (vo): As expected, the town goes into lockdown, and the man who helped the sick driver, named Stu, played by Gary Sinise, is forced into quarantine.
Solider: I insist that you get into the truck right now or...
Stu: (turning sharply to the soldiers) What? (seeing guns held in the soldiers' hands) Shoot me?
NC: (as soldier) No, your name's...
(The opening credits are shown, displaying Sinise's name)
NC (vo; as soldier): ...in the opening credits.
NC: (as soldier) If you had...
(The credit is shown again, with the words "And" and "With" shown above Sinise's name, in order)
NC (vo; as soldier): ...an "And" or a "With" on top...
NC: (as soldier) ...then your ass would be applesauce! (nods)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, an upcoming singer named Larry Underwood, played by Adam Storke (pronounces it "Stroke"), is visiting his mother because despite his song rising in the charts, he's still financially struggling. This will clearly be the worst problem of his week.
Larry: You heard it, right?
Alice Underwood (Mary Ethel Gregory): Of course I have. You sound black.
Larry: Huh. (speaks in a "black" voice) That brown sound sure do get around!
NC: I get the feeling they're gonna cut that from the remake. (nods)
Alice: How deep a hole are you in? Don't lie.
Larry: About 40,000.
Alice: Jesus wept.
NC (vo; as Larry): Hey, how'd you what the album's called? (normal) At a nearby base, doctors observe the last breaths of patients with the virus.
Doctor: (to a second doctor, seeing a bedridden male patient) Ah, this is interesting. Now watch this.
(The man throws up his arms, knocking his tray off, and jerks his head around)
NC (vo; as first doctor): Shouldn't we help him? (as second doctor) He doesn't have health insurance. (as first doctor) Ah.
(Suddenly, the man falls over as the flatline sound goes constant. He is dead)
Doctor: (looking at his watch) It's so damn quick!
NC (vo; as this doctor): Well, we suck as doctors! Want to see if that ALF specimen ate those kittens yet? (as second doctor) Sure. (as first doctor) Let's be horrible vets, too.
(We then cut to a waterside town elsewhere in the country)
NC (vo): Meanwhile in... (The words "Ogunquit, Maine" appear on the screen) Ah!
NC: I knew you'd make it!
(A car drives up with the map of Maine in it)
NC (vo): A young woman named Fran, played by Molly Ringwald, and her father, played by Ken Jenkins, are somewhat put off as the local geek, Harold, played by Corin Nemec, keeps trying to hit on Fran.
Harold: I was wondering if you would care to accompany me to the Redwood Cinema. They've having a Bergman festival. I always thought Cries and Whispers to be especially moving.
NC: (as Fran) I'm a Seventh Seal kind of girl.
Fran: I really–
Harold: Hey, don't worry about it. It's okay.
Harold: I understand, really. I hope you enjoy the poem...
Fran: I will!
Harold: ...and the rest of the magazine, of course.
NC: (waving dismissively) Oh, get out of here, pizza face! I'm...calling you that...
(The camera zooms in on Harold's face, which seems like it's covered with red splotches)
NC (vo): ...because you have literal pizza on your face. Those aren't supposed to be zits, are they?
NC: You won an Emmy for Best Makeup!
(He grins and nods as an Emmy for this miniseries pops up, for "Outstanding Makeup For A Miniseries, Movie Or A Special". We then cut to Shoyo, Arkansas (again, courtesy of convenient subtitles))
NC (vo): Elsewhere in Arkansas, a young deaf man named Nick, played by Rob Lowe, is beaten up by some bullies with not the best choreographed fighting.
(The fight is shown, looking rather uncoordinated)
NC: When the fights on...
(Cut to a clip of the original Star Trek, showing the famous scene of James T. Kirk battling a Gorn)
NC (vo): ...Star Trek are looking more real...
NC: ...you might want to do a few more takes.
NC (vo): Nick is knocked out and dreams that he's in a cornfield where he can talk. Asshole, don't look behind the rose! Ha! Some reviews are above making a Children of the Corn reference, but I'll always be that desperate!
Nick: I can hear! I CAN TALK!
Offsceen voice: (singing) I can siiiiiiiing!
NC (vo): Thus, we're introduced to easily the most memorable character: Mother Abigail, played by Ruby Dee.
Abigail: You come see me, Nick, you and all your friends. You got to hurry, though.
NC: There's...a lot to discuss about her.
(Cut again to Malcolm's Mother Abigail character)
Abigail: You must make your to the–
NC: (holds up hand) But we'll do it when they reveal more about her character.
Abigail: Aw, shoot!
(Cut again to Tamara at her computer)
Tamara: Mother Abigail, you're...what, five feet?
Abigail: And shrinking, darling.
Tamara: Thank you.
NC: (confused) I still don't get what you... (Tamara makes a shooing noise with her hand) Okay.
NC (vo): Nick wakes up in the local jail where a sheriff and a medic try to find the people who jumped him. Did I mention the series is a flame to every '90s character acting moth?
Sheriff: (holds up fist, which has a ring on it) One of them had a ring like that?
Medic: Ray Booth, our town bad boy.
(The sheriff laughs, then coughs as he sits back down)
NC: Laughing and coughing, always a great duo for a long life in horror.
NC (vo): Back in Vermont, doctors in their dinosaur cookie suits continue to study Stu who is 100% healthy, despite him testing positive for the virus.
(Stu is watching, with some contempt, Gen. Starkey give a press conference on the TV)
Starkey: I don't know how many different ways I can say this: this so-called super flu does...not...exist!
NC: (as Starkey) And if it did, it would probably wipe itself out by Easter!
(Stu lashes out at one of the doctors in their suits)
NC (vo; as Stu): How many times do I have to tell you? I don't have the measles!
Doctor: I'm not responsible for you being here.
Stu: Then who is?
Doctor: No one. Everyone. God.
NC: (scoffs) Spoilers!
Stu: We talk about this thing in here like you were outside of it. I just want you to get a little taste of what it's like on the inside.
NC (vo): So one of the things you'll notice in this miniseries is the acting is...actually pretty good. Don't get me wrong, it's still...miniseries acting, but as miniseries at the time go, it's pretty engaging and believable. Whoever casted this should have gotten an award of some kind.
NC: But with that said, it does make the more hokey actors stand out a bit.
Larry: (bumping into "Ratty" Erwins in an arcade) I'm sorry.
Ratty: The Rat Man forgive you – this time...
NC (vo): Never mind him, he's late for a sketch on In Living Color. And speaking of random people appearing...
(Outside, a robed man lunges at Larry, grabbing his shirt and talking straight into his face)
Robed man: He's coming for you, Larry!
NC: (recoiling) Wha-ha-ha-hat?!
Robed man (Kareem Abdul-Jabbar): The Man With No Face!
(Cut to a clip of Airplane)
Joey (Rossie Harris): (to Roger Murdock) I know you! You're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar!
(Cut back to the robed man in The Stand)
NC (vo): No shit, kid! At least in that movie, they call attention to it and he was one of the major players! Here, he has this scene and a few brief moments where he's just yelling about the apocalypse. That's it! It's one of the most hilariously distracting cameos seen in anything!
Robed man: (ringing a bell he has) Bring out your dead!
NC (vo): No, no, I don't see a performance at all! I only see a homeless man who's completely believable, screaming on the street– I SEE KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR! How in God's name am I not supposed to see that?! He just doesn't have the chops to disappear that well into a role!
(Cut again to Airplane)
Murdock: The hell I don't!
(Cut back to The Stand again)
NC (vo): Back in Arkansas, the men who beat up Nick are arrested and Nick himself has been promoted to...deputy?
Medic: (to Nick) Sorry, John and his wife are dead.
NC (vo; as medic): Welp, I guess you're the Sheriff now!
NC: (as medic) And here I thought politics would work a little different in Arkansas– No, I didn't.
NC (vo): The medic tells him they should take off out of town before the virus gets to them, but Nick is nice enough to let the inmates go before he leaves. As the medic predicted, the world starts going to shit as more and more people die and those who want answers start riots.
(During the riot, a group tries to physically push over a police car, while another group tries to push the car back the other way, resulting in a rocking motion. Cut to a clip of an episode of The Simpsons, showing Chief Wiggum reclining in his police car as it's being rocked back and forth by the rioters)
Chief Wiggum: Ah, this is the life.
(Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): Filled with grief, the General shoots himself for lying to the people; Nick is forced to shoot his attacker with no gun flash...
(As Nick and the attacker struggle, a gunshot is heard, and the attacker reacts)
NC: You should have seen the director's cut.
(As the scene replays, a black label reading "EFFECT ADDED LATER" is shown as the gunshot is heard)
NC (vo): ...and even radio hosts from Cameo FM are under siege.
(Soldiers smash into a radio station)
Soldier: (aiming his gun at a female radio speaker) Shut it down!
Radio speaker: You ever heard of a little number called "freedom of speech"?!
(We cut to Fran's radio as the sound of gunfire is heard on it as the soldiers mow the radio speaker down in a barrage of gunfire. Fran reacts in horror and covers her mouth. Her father also reacts in shock)
NC (vo; as radio speaker): Okay, cancel culture's definitely gone too far– (Another gunshot is heard; normal again) Almost everyone dies at the disease center, so Stu decides to break out before the crazy doctor left ends his life, too. Just like Nick, he gets a vision from Mother Abigail.
Mother Abigail: The beast is loose in the streets of Bethlehem. The rats are in the corn.
(The camera zooms in on Abigail's arm, which is a slightly different skin color than the rest of her)
NC (vo; as Abigail): And the makeup on my arm ain't done yet. (A shot of text saying that this miniseries received an Emmy for Outstanding Makeup is superimposed) Emmy!
(Stu starts feeling his way through the cornfield, as Nick had done)
NC (vo; as Abigail): All right, here's a jump scarecrow to get you back on track. (singing as the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz) If I only had your... (A demonic scarecrow grabs Stu and roars at him) SOUL!!
(Stu awakens back in the hospital. He hold a gun in his hand)
NC (vo): Stu decides to find Mother Abigail, right after this bit of weirdness...
Ghoul: Come down and eat chicken with me, beautiful! It's so dark!
NC: (confused) Famous last words?
(Stu screams and kicks the ghoul away, and we cut back to the home of Fran and her father)
NC (vo): And we see Fran's father has passed away from the virus as well.
Fran: (crying over her father as he lies in bed) I love you, Daddy. (leans down to kiss him)
NC (vo; as Fran): I don't care what the Internet says, Scrubs was funny as it was mo– I-It was funny!
(Just then, Harold arrives and knocks on the door)
NC (vo; as Harold): Hey, remember when you said you wouldn't date me unless we were the last two people on Earth?
Harold: To both be immune to something this big, it has to mean something.
Fran: Well, there's got to be other people.
NC: (as Harold) Well, let's hope not. Oh, I mean, the...opposite of...that...
Harold: Do you think that maybe...you know, maybe I could be...
Fran: Harold, we're always gonna be friends.
(They put on a phonograph record on a player and listen to it. Fran becomes tired and lays her head on Harold's knee)
NC (vo): Yeah, friends always listen to romantic songs on record and put their heads on each other's knees. Christ! Harold's crotch must be five seconds away from... (An explosion is shown edited in where Harold's groin is)
(Meanwhile, Larry wanders around a park, surrounded by dead bodies, including one of a horse)
Larry: (calling out) HELLO!
NC (vo; as Larry): Has anyone heard my song? If I'm the last musician alive, does that make it number one?
Voice: (calling out to Larry) Over here!
NC (vo): Larry finds another survivor, though, named Nadine, played by Laura San Giacomo.
Larry: (seeing Nadine holding up a pistol to him) You're not gonna shoot me, are you?
Nadine: Are you dangerous?
Larry: I don't know. (Nadine starts to aim) No! No, I'm not dangerous.
NC: Okay, word of advice: if you want me to pay attention, don't put...
(The camera shows the robed man from earlier behind Larry, lying on the steps, dead, as he holds up a gold cup)
NC (vo): ...Kareem's hilarious corpse eyeballing me in the background.
(Larry and Nadine go to an Italian restaurant to eat)
Larry: We've got to get out of here.
NC (vo): They realize that if they don't want to live in a city smelling like dead ass, they should probably leave.
(We then cut to a wild-looking man (played by Matt Frewer) wearing goggles and running up to a huge tank full of oil)
NC (vo): Hey, look, it's what my parents said my future would be like.
Wild man: (running up a flight of stairs alongside the tank) Bounty, bounty, bounty! Bounty, bounty, bounty...
NC (vo): Matt Frewer plays – get this – somebody not very normal: a mentally ill anarchist named Trashcan Man, who blows up pretty much whatever he wants. How do I know he's crazy? The same way everyone's shown to be crazy in this...
(Cut back to the robed man, who looks in uncomfortably to the camera)
NC (vo): Wide-angle closeups!
(Cut to a wide-angle closeup of the Trashcan Man as we hear some voices in his head, presumably of bullies from his childhood)
Voice of bully 1: Gonna stick ya in the nut hatch, Trash!
Voice of bully 2: Hey, Trash! Why don't ya burn up the school!
Voice of Nick Szalinski: (audio from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids) I get it – French class!
Trashcan Man: SHUT UP!
NC (vo): Like the other survivors, he hears a voice calling out to him, but it's not Mother Abigail.
(We cut to a crow perched on a tree branch. A deep voice is heard, presumably coming from the raven)
Raven: I will place you high in my council's trash.
NC: (dramatically, as an image of Oscar the Grouch is shown in the corner) The Cult of Grouch has begun!
(Mother Abigail is seen approaching an outhouse)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, we see Mother Abigail is so old-fashioned, she doesn't even believe in plumbing. So...does she clean that...? Oh, I'm gonna ignore that for now. ...as she sits around waiting for a PureFlix film to be made about her.
Abigail: (looking up at the sky) I hear you, Lord, and I'm in the way of doing Your will. But I don't much like it.
(Then NC looks up to hear Mother Abigail, as played by Malcolm)
Abigail: Well, is it time?
NC: (sighs; grudging tone) All right, let's talk about Mother Abigail.
NC (vo): The reason I wanted to dedicate a whole section to her is, well, this might be the only time I've seen a religious person in a King movie or series that's not totally insane.
(Shots of religious scenes in King movies are shown)
NC (vo): Whenever religion is brought up in a King story, it's usually from an extremist or crazy nut who ties in somehow to what the horror element of the story is.
(Cut back to Mother Abigail)
NC (vo): So it's bizarre that not only is this a positive religious character in a King story, but it's almost ridiculously positive.
Abigail: (singing as she plays guitar) What a thing we had in Jesus...
NC (vo): As followers flock to her, others flock to this other character named Randall Flagg, who's about as evil and demonic as you can get.
Abigail: I got the Lord to protect me! I ain't a-scared of the likes of you!
NC (vo): For someone who's mocked extreme religious leanings in the past, he leans incredibly hard into them with this series.
(Again, Malcolm as Mother Abigail speaks up)
Abigail: Are you saying that's a problem, dear child?
NC: No. If anything, I'm glad I'm finally seeing variety with King and this subject.
Abigail: Then what be your peeve, my chickadee?
NC: It just surprises me that his take on this would be as literal as having...
NC (vo): ...a servant of God...
NC: ...and a...
NC (vo): ...servant of the devil...
NC: ...battling for humanity after the apocalypse.
NC (vo): Well, just because I say I serve God, doesn't mean that it's literally God.
NC: Oh, come on, you quote more Scripture in this than Bibleman.
Abigail: Yes, but that's my interpretation. Flagg never says that he's a servant of the devil.
NC: (shrugs) I guess that's true.
Abigail: Perhaps there's just a battle between good and evil, and the characters are interpreting it as God and the devil.
NC: But...there's no other suggestions what it could be! So what else could it be?
Abigail: (shrugs) Langoliers?
NC: (rolls eyes) Oh, Christ!
Abigail: Maturin the Turtle?
Abigail: That comet from Maximum Overdrive?
NC: You know what? It's done well, so I should just count my blessings.
Abigail: That's literally what I do every day.
Abigail: Yes. One...two... (NC sighs and facepalms himself) eleven...pie...
NC: I think we're done here.
NC (vo): Speaking of which, an evil presence named Randall Flagg, played by Jamie Sheridan, is breaking survivors out of jail and showing off some pretty cool effects.
Flagg: (to one prisoner) You got nothing to eat but Rat Tartar. Bad luck. Look here.
(He puts a stone on the back of his hand and manages to clench it by turning his fingers backward)
NC (vo): I love this guy. He acts like an evil Garth Brooks and looks like Fabio wearing a John Tesh mask.
Randall: (having freed the prisoner) Now, there's a lot to do. We have to work fast.
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Larry puts the moves on Nadine, but it looks like she can't go all the way, possibly because she's in cahoots with the Lord of Evil. Man, I thought it'd be the opposite. (A shot of a nun is superimposed) If God's followers have to be celibate, I assume Satan's followers would have to (A shot of a goat is superimposed) bang a goat every day or something.
(Nadine leaves Larry, leaving him a letter)
Nadine's voice in letter: "Larry, if I stay, we'll end up sleeping together, and I can't have that."
(Larry angrily tosses the letter aside)
NC (vo; as Larry): BLUE BAAAAAAAALLS!!! (normal) Later, we see Nick come across a mentally-disabled man named Tom [Cullen], played by Bill Fagerbakke.
Tom: (seeing Nick write something in a notepad) I'm sorry, mister, I can't read. I went to school. I made it to the third grade. I could read some Curious George when I left, but since then, I kind of forgot.
NC: So, here's the thing about this performance: I don't believe he's mentally disabled for a second.
NC (vo): I think of performances from things like (Shots of the following are superimposed...) What's Eating Gilbert Grape or Malcolm in the Middle or even Stephen King's Dreamcatcher. Even though they can be funny, too, they still seem believable and work within the reality created for them. Tom is played more...dim. That could be (Shots of some of Fagerbakke's other characters are superimposed, including Patrick Star from Spongebob Squarepants and Michael "Dauber" Dybinski from Coach) because he's played so many dim characters. And yes, there is clearly a difference in how you play the two.
Tom: I thought a few decorations would cheer up Main Street. Decoration is my hobby.
NC: With that said, though, he is still really likeable.
NC (vo): I feel like this could easily have turned into simple Patrick the Starfish, but he finds the charm and even respect for the character that, while I don't believe is disabled, is still enjoyable to be around.
Tom: M-O-O-N. That spells "hobby".
NC: (rolls eyes) Oh, except for this gimmick.
Tom: M-O-O-N. That spells "ready".
NC (vo): Yeah, that's the joke: he can't read, so he spells everything "M-O-O-N". It kinda plays a part later, but trust me, it's not worth hearing it a million times.
(A montage of Tom spelling everything "M-O-O-N" is shown)
Tom: M-O-O-N. That spells "Tom Cullen". / M-O-O-N. That spells "deaf and dumb"! / M-O-O-N. That spells "Tom Cullen". / M-O-O-N. That spells "Perez". / M-O-O-N. That spells "Tolkien". / M-O-O-N. That spells "Hawk..."
(Then Tom is shown getting on a bike to go to Nebraska)
Tom: M-O-O-N. That spells "ready"! (rides off, calling out) M-O-O-N! That spells "Nebraska"!
NC (vo): Oh, my GOD, (A shot is superimposed of Det. Kimble from Kindergarten Cop screaming...) SHUT UP!!! (calmer) Anyway, Stu comes across an old man named Glen, played by Ray Walston, who both have been dreaming about Mother Abigail... (A shot of a woman doing a dance with some strategically-held palm plants is superimposed) Eh, not like that...I don't think. ...and decide, against their better judgment, it might be worth traveling to find her.
Stu: (to Glen) So I'm gonna go to Nebraska. You want to come with me?
Glen: Why not?
Stu: Well, you don't sound very enthusiastic.
NC (vo; as Glen): Well, I am leaving a safe, spacious, beautiful house in the middle of the apocalyp– You know, fuck you, I'm staying!
(Then they hear the sound of motorcycles coming)
Stu:' You hear that?
(It's Harold and Fran, pulling up to the house on motorcycles)
NC (vo): But Rhinestone Cowboy and Eglantine Price stumble across them and discover, hey, they're off to see the Wizard, too! But Harold doesn't want to go with them.
Harold: (to Fran) I don't like the looks of him. (glances toward Stu) This one in particular.
Stu: (taking Harold's arm) Can I talk to you for a second? (pulls Harold along by his arm)
NC (vo; as Stu): I want to do a puppet show for you. It's called "Fisty Meets Face". (normal) They eventually agree, and meanwhile, Nick and Tom come across their own strange visitor [Julie Lawry], played by Shawnee Smith.
Julie: Oh, somebody finally shows up in this crappy town and it turns out to be a deaf mute!
NC (vo; as Julie): That's as funny as the writer of this review not seeing the Saw sequel, so he can't make a joke about me in them.
Julie: (pulling Nick close to her) Get over here. (reaches into his pocket to pull out a gun)
NC (vo; as Julie): Mmm, is that a gun in your pocket or– Oh, for once, it is a gun.
Julie: No, no, no, no, no! What's that? (points to Tom) He's just a retard! He doesn't feel things the way that you and I do.
NC: I'll just say it: You know how Jack Gleeson played a villain...
(Cut to a shot of Gleeson)
NC (vo): ...so well that people actually started to hate this poor actor?
NC: I friggin' despise this bitch!
NC (vo): She is just so mean and so dumb!
Tom: (as Nick tries to put a bottle in his face) I don't want medicine, mister!
Julie: (whispering) That stuff's poison!
Tom: No, sir!
Julie: (to Stu) His daddy said, "Don't do it!" Then we can do it!
NC (vo): This actress plays her so well, I feel like my fist would stop centimeters from her face if she ever did this annoying laugh.
Julie: (laughs obnoxiously) They almost have that (makes crying motions) crying just like a baby!
(She starts to imitate crying like a baby, only for Nick, having had enough of her obnoxious attitude, slap her so hard that it sends her spinning)
NC: I don't care if even his slaps are poorly choreographed; I need to see that again.
(The scene of Nick slapping Julie is replayed, but this time, with the sound of a punch, followed by the sound of a person cartoonishly screaming in pain. Julie is outraged at being spurned and backs away)
Julie: (pointing accusingly at Nick) You and your stupid freak friend! I'm gonna get both of you guys!
(She throws one of her shoes at them and then runs off, crying)
NC: (scoffs) Yeah, what are you gonna do? Shoot me with your gun?
(That's exactly what she intends to do, as she suddenly reappears in a second-story window and aims a gun at them!)
NC (vo): JESUS!!
(She fires her gun at them, and they run for their lives. The shot hits the back window of a pickup truck)
Julie: (shrieking) DI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YIE!!!
NC: Whatever death she has in this needs to be slower.
(A later scene of the miniseries is shown, in which Julie is electrocuted to death)
NC: (blinks eyes) ...And less Power Rangy.
NC (vo): Nick and Tom come across another driving heading to Mother Abigail and arrive soon after. Meanwhile, I...think we missed a scene.
(Said scene involves Stu trying to revive someone infected with surgery, but it's no use)
Stu: It's his appendix right there.
Dayna (Kellie Overbey): He's dead, Stu. (Stu looks up at her)
NC: (looks around shiftily) Oh.
NC (vo): Yeah, for a six-hour series, a lot of things are surprisingly happening off-screen in the middle of it. They come across other travelers; I guess one of them needs surgery; Stu...learned how to do surgery... Actually, what even was his job, the more I think about it? ...Fran gets pregnant with Stu's baby; she breaks up with Harold, which, granted, we see that part, but I never did see if they were going out or not; Larry becomes romantically interested with someone else he comes across; they get married...
(Cut to a clip of Cast Away)
NC (vo): ...and four years pass with Tom Hanks still on the island.
NC: Yeah! That's a lot of stuff that happened there!
NC (vo): They do show us that a lot of the main characters find Mother Abigail, who's now moved to Colorado. As for everything else, I guess there just wasn't enough time to show it.
NC: But you know what there is time for? The entire National Anthem.
(In a town hall, the survivors gather, with Fran rising to her feet to sing "The Star-Spangled Banner")
Fran: (singing) Oh, say can you see?
(Stu rises to his feet)
Stu and Fran: (singing) By the dawn's...
(Everyone else picks up on what's going on and start singing as well)
Everyone: (singing) ...early light...
(NC starts to rise to his feet and take off his and put it over his heart, but suddenly stops himself and sits back down)
NC: The hell am I doing?!
NC (vo): Yeah, no joke, they sing all of the National Anthem in this scene! Also, did Nick finally give Tom his heart? How's this work?
Everyone: (singing) ...of the brave! (Everyone applauds)
(Cut briefly to a clip of a Denny's commercial, showing off its Red, White and Blue Pancakes)
Old man: America.
(Cut back to The Stand)
NC (vo): Okay, okay, to the series' credit, it is still acted well, and we get an idea of what the new characters added are like very quickly. Truth be told, in a strange way, I do enjoy seeing most of the town meeting, as tons of survivors followed the vision of Mother Abigail and are trying to figure out how to start over. Again, it's a little corny, but it feels warm and real somehow. However, things suddenly go awry when Mother Abigail disappears.
(A woman comes into the meeting, carrying her child in her arms)
Woman: (crying) Mother Abigail! She's gone!
(One of the men in the room comes over to tend to her)
NC (vo): Oh, my God! Everybody, give her some air! (Instead, everyone crowds around her) Oh, oh, okay, do that, thanks.
NC: Boy, that's so strange. Why did you leave, Mother Abigail?
(To his shock and horror, however, Mother Abigail (as played by Malcolm) is gone)
NC: Oh, God! (freaking out) MOTHER ABIGAIL, WHERE DID YOU GO?!
(Suddenly, Mother Abigail returns)
Abigail: I'm sorry, I was just cleaning my outhouse. Hoo! Plumbing is of the devil, you know.
NC: Wait, plumbing is?
Abigail: Yes, and so is football.
NC: (confused) Football?
Abigail: So are turkeys, knee socks, and peoples whose earlobes connect to their necks.
NC: Okay, why was I following you again?
Abigail: Because I'm a wise old black woman you dreamt about.
NC: So that makes you a radio to God?
Abigail: I think so. Maybe.
(Cut to Tamara, still at her computer and holding her cell phone)
Tamara: Hey, Mother Abigail, do you prefer green dresses or blue dresses?
Abigail: Let me ask God. (makes a phone shape with her hand (i.e., pinkie and thumb)) Hello, God? (NC sighs and massages his forehead) What dresses do I like? (beat) Got it. (looks up) I'll have the soup.
Tamara: Got it. (talks on phone) Do you have any soup dresses?
NC: (shakes head) Any other year, this might be odd.
(He continues to massage his forehead as we go to a commercial break. Upon return from the break, The Stand resumes as the survivors gather in Mother Abigail's house)
NC (vo): So a committee is formed, comprised of, well, our main characters, and their first concern is keeping an eye on Randall Flagg, who's apparently building an army in Vegas with all the rotten people who survived. So they agree to send in spies. They decide to send a judge, played by Ossie Davis; one of the villagers, named Dayna; and...Tom?
(Yes, Tom, who has been hypnotized into helping out)
Stu: We want you to go west, Tom. Can you do that?
Tom: (eyes closed) Yes, Tom knows west.
NC (vo): Yeah... They hypnotize him to remember all the details and send into the middle of the most dangerous place in the world.
NC: That seems douchey.
NC (vo): Here's the thing: it's revealed later that Flagg has a hard time reading his mind because his brain is so simple, so it does work out. But they didn't seem to know that! For all we can see, they're sending in (A shot of Broadway from Gargoyles (also played by Faggerbakke) is superimposed) a gargoyle towards a gargoyle-eating sun! Even Sinise has a look like, (as Stu) "Well, I didn't think I'd be doing Of Mice and Men twice. I will definitely miss you more than Malkovich, I can tell you that."
Tom: (calling out as he rides off on his bike) See you later, alligator! (Nick waves goodbye) After a while, crocodile!
NC: (as Tom) Tom only pawn in Game of Life.
NC (vo): But Nadine finds her way to town, and when she finds Larry seeing another woman, she's told by Flagg to move in on Harold.
Nadine: (to Harold) I saw you at the meeting the other night.
Harold: Don't even think about leaving.
NC (vo; as Nadine): One minute in. That's a new record for me to miss my ex.
Nadine: You're a virgin. I am, too. And I'm gonna stay that way. But we can still do things. Everything but that one thing, and it's such a little thing, really.
NC: How do you know it's a little thing?
Offscreen voice (Doug): I just got a vibe. Everything about you is a little thing. (NC looks away in disgust)
Harold: And I have some friends.
NC (vo; as Nadine): (as she and Harold kiss) Come on, let's make like Spielberg's War of the Worlds and not climax. (normal) Meanwhile, Tom gets a job in Vegas with the cop from Sleepwalkers.
(Cut to a clip of Sleepwalkers)
Sheriff Andy Simpson (Dan Martin): (singing) There goes Johnny with a pecker in his hand, he's a one-balled man and he's off to the rodeo.
NC: I would have played that clip even if he wasn't in this.
(Meanwhile, Nadine meets up with Harold again, who has duct-taped some dynamite together)
NC (vo): But later, we see Harold has a plan to blow up the committee.
Harold: Don't screw with my disco, Nadine! Let me make a suggestion, my little disco queen: take a walk.
NC: Harold is like George McFly if Marty never went back in time. You just know he was gonna blow up something somewhere.
NC (vo): But Mother Abigail returns, bloody and in pain.
Stu: Oh, my God, it's her!
(Everyone rushes over to help her)
NC (vo; as Abigail): Sorry, I heard Vegas was in this movie, and as an old person, I had to go.
(Meanwhile, Harold gives Nadine something)
Harold: Use this. It's perfectly accurate.
Nadie: Um, Harold–
Harold: (irritably) Nadine, just tell me when it's 9:15! Until then, keep your yap shut!
NC: You hold onto him, Nadine, and never let go.
NC (vo): Harold places the bomb in the house, but by the time they discover it, not everybody is able to get out in time.
(Nick discovers the bomb too late, about to explode)
NC (vo; as Nick): I am literally about to explode.
(The bomb blows up the house, but everyone else manages to escape. Suddenly, Frannie, who has been knocked out, comes to with a start and sees Mother Abigail. Frannie is wearing what looks like a curtain)
NC (vo; as Frannie): What, I'm dead, and you put me in the drapes from Sound of Music?
Frannie: Why am I here?
Abigail: To do God's will, child.
Frannie: (anguished) Neither one of us is gonna have any more to do with your Killer God!
NC: In hindsight, both in print and in reality, God does seem a little kill-heavy.
NC (vo): She says they have to make a stand, putting all their faith in God, and four of them must go on a journey to defeat Flagg.
(They stand around Mother Abigail in her hospital bed, about to pass away)
Mother Abigail: (weakly) It's what God wants of you.... Stand... (She falls limp and breathes her last)
NC (vo; as one of the people around her): Uh, I move we say screw God and invest in guns. All in favor? (as everyone else) Aye!
NC: But wait a minute. Mother Abigail, where did you go? Why did you go? And how did it help anything?
(Cut again to Malcolm as Mother Abigail)
Abigail: Well, I'll go into great detail about that–
(Suddenly, however, Abigail gasps for breath and clutches at her chest)
NC: Mother Abigail? (Abigail doesn't answer; she is clutching at herself in pain; NC becomes alarmed) Mother Abigail?! (Abigail falls over) NO!! MOTHER ABIGAIL– (He is then interrupted by a knock on the door) What was that?
(Cut to Tamara at her computer)
Tamara: Oh, yeah, that's the funeral home coming to take her away.
Tamara: Yeah. (holds up some papers) What do you think I've been doing this whole time? I've been preparing her funeral.
NC: But how did you know?
Tamara: (closes computer) Because she's all of Stephen King's tropes in one character.
Tamara (vo): The Stand doesn't have as many King cliches, so he pretty much shoved them all into Mother Abigail: the wise old black person, the out-of-nowhere psychic, the folksy speaker, the simple good against complicated evil...
Tamara: ...and of course, killing off the black supporting role.
Tamara: Dude, the minute she showed up, I knew she was dead.
NC: Huh. With the exception of the religious zealot, you're right. She's pretty much a one-person Stephen King drinking game. (chuckles) Good eye, Tamara.
Tamara: Oh, that reminds me: (takes her papers) how tall are you?
NC: Oh, six foot.
Tamara: (puts papers down again) Thank you.
NC: No problem. (He opens his mouth to speak again, but then stops in confusion)
NC (vo): The four chosen set off on their quest, (as the Wicked Witch of the West) even their little dog, too, (normal) while Harold seems to be top of the world.
NC: Oh, I do hope something one part nasty, one part hilarious happens to him.
(As Harold drives his motorcycle down the road, Randall Flagg suddenly appears in the middle of the road, grinning menacingly. Startled, Harold runs off the road, his motorcycle hitting a wall and sending him flying through the air and over a cliff, the Goofy Holler is added in as this happens. He crashes into a cliffside and rolls end over end)
NC: (shrugs) That'll do.
NC (vo): Little Red Killing Hood [Nadine, who is wearing a red scarf over her head] leaves him to die, while one of their spies comes across a disturbing image.
(Said disturbing image is shown on a billboard of a Jesus-looking man, who is skin and bones, nailed to a cross with a sign hanging from his neck reading "DRUG ADDICT" on it)
NC: Well, at least their rehab clinic is strict.
NC (vo): One of the trademarks of Mick Garris' projects is he likes to put other horror directors in as actors. So here's Alfred Hitchcock*.
- NOTE: Actually, it's Bobby Terry, played by Sam Raimi.
Dave Roberts (John Dunbar): (spotting one of the spies) That was him! (to Bobby) C'mon, he's getting away! (They grab their guns)
NC (vo): He and another assassin are told to take out the spy, but to do so without bloodying him up too much. (Instead, however, Bobby mows down the spy, the judge played by Ossie Davis, in a barrage of bullets) Asking Sam Raimi to hold back on blood is like asking a celebrity not to tweet about politics; it's kind of impossible.
(As a result of the gunfight, however, Dave was also killed)
Flagg: (coming up to Bobby) You're in a heap of trouble, son!
(He reaches his hand out to Bobby, who screams. Flagg strangles Bobby, then throws him to the ground, sits on him, and punches him in the face)
NC (vo; as Flagg): To quote what you've said to Bruce Campbell, "This is what's best for the picture!" (normal) Flagg also figures out that Dayna's a spy. Either that, or he's mad she didn't hide the mike better in her scenes. And he calls her up to talk to her.
Flagg: Your old black witch is dead. Your people are in confusion. That's it, dear.
Dayna: You mean I can just go?
(Flagg gestures toward the door, allowing her to leave, which she's about to do so, when suddenly...)
Flagg: Oh, there is one more thing...
NC: (as Dayna, rolling eyes) It's my death, isn't it?
(Suddenly, Flagg's face turns into that of a demon!)
NC: (snickers) Garris, (The poster for Sleepwalkers is shown in the corner) your Sleepwalkers is showing!
NC (vo): Dayna falls on a shard of glass, leading to one of my favorite reactions...
(The demonic Flagg grabs Dayna's body and shakes it, growling as he does so)
NC: (snickers as a shot of Freddy Krueger appears in the corner) Uncle Freddy took over writing for that bit there.
NC (vo): Nadine returns to Flagg, and she discovers sex with the devil isn't as fulfilling as she thought it would be.
(As Flagg reveals his demonic form, he forces himself on her sexually, resulting in her becoming catatonic, with her hair turning white)
Nadine: (low voice, drawn-out) We are dead... and this... is... Hell!
NC: I heard they say that every day on the set of (The poster for the following is shown...) Carrie 2.
NC (vo): He reveals that Nadine is pregnant, while his second-in-command, Lloyd, played by Miguel Ferrer, says they know who the third spy is, but he might have gotten away.
(Flagg turns demonic again and grabs Lloyd, pinning him against the wall and holding him aloft)
Flagg: When you let me go upstairs without telling me, I could pop your neck like a tick! (throws Lloyd across the room)
NC (vo; as Flagg): And snap into a Slim Jim!
Nadine: Your seed is cold...!
NC (vo): Nadine decides she's jumping for two, and where director Raimi was perfectly cast as a bumbling hick, director John Landis is not exactly a badass mercenary.
Russ Dorr (Landis): (to a group sitting around a campfire at night) You know, I thought there'd be whores.
'NC: (snickers): That's what he said when he demanded payment for...
(Cut to a shot of the poster for...)
NC (vo): ...Blues Brothers 2000.
(Startled by a noise, Russ springs to his feet, cocking his gun and aiming toward the noise)
Russ: What was that?
NC: You look like Leonard Maltin with a pop gun. Stop trying to act cool!
NC (vo): Meanwhile, our four travelers come across some massive hills, so Stu decides to see if it's stable.
(He makes his way to the top after some difficulty)
Stu: I told ya, piece of cake!
(Suddenly, however, he stumbles and falls, rolling, down the hill)
NC (vo; as Stu): Oh, piece of cake! P-P-Piece of cake! Pie– Pa– Trip it! Trip it! Trip it! Piece of cake! (Stu stops rolling, landing next to the other, with a gash on his leg) Piece of shit! (normal) Stu breaks his leg, and rather than taking him with, they decide to leave him behind. Why? Because it's God's Will!
Ralph: It's God's plan.
Larry: Shut up about God!
Stu: If He wants me to eat, He'll send food. If He wants me to drink, He'll send rain.
NC: You know, for a guy who crapped on religion several times, this is having a bit of a (A promo for a religious film called War Room is shown in the corner) War Room feel, isn't it?
NC (vo): He's eventually saved by Tom, but the remaining three turn themselves in and one of them [Glen] is shot by Lloyd.
Glen: (to Lloyd, about to breathe his last) It's all right, Mr. Henreid. You don't know any better.
NC: (as Glen, as the poster for Mr. Magoo appears in the corner) I would have been in Mr. Magoo for the money, too.
(Flagg's followers take Ralph and Larry to Las Vegas. One of Flagg's goons, the Rat Man, holds Ralph at gunpoint)
NC (vo): Not gonna lie, I thought a Stephen King story would feature a guy called "Rat Man" a lot more than it is.
Ralph: One less Rat Man in the world.
Rat Man: Shut up that honky voodoo! (cocks gun)
NC: (shrugs) He still makes every moment count.
NC (vo): The other two are dragged out in front of a crowd to be made an example of.
(One of Flagg's followers, however, starts to think this is not right)
Dissenter: This ain't how Americans act! We gotta stop this!
(But Flagg won't have it, as he aims his hand at the dissenter and fires a ball of plasma energy at him. He screams as he is consumed in blue light. His screams are muffled as his mouth is fused shut)
NC: Kinda wondering what the crowd's reaction to that is, because they've never seen that before!
(Flagg silencing the dissenter is shown again)
NC (vo; as one person in the crowd): Wow! Uh, I didn't know he could do that, honey. Did you? (as a woman) I...think so?
(Then a deformed Trashcan Man, who had been exposed to radiation poisoning, arrives, bringing with him a nuclear missile)
Trashcan Man: The big one for you!
NC (vo): But Deadpool comes in to close things out, as it looks like he's acquired one of Flagg's nuclear weapons and...well, this is a King story, and to his credit, this isn't an awful ending, it's just...bad.
(A spectral hand-like spirit descends from on high, and everyone cowers in fear at it)
Larry: The Hand of God!
NC: I want to hear the laugh of Master Hand from...
(As the Hand of God is shown, a shot of Master Hand from the Super Smash Bros. series is added in for comparison)
NC (vo): ...Smash Bros.; that looks so fake!
(As the Hand of God descends, the sound of Master Hand's evil laugh is heard. The Hand of God takes a hold of the missile to blow it up. Knowing what's about to happen, Flagg turns into a raven and tries to fly away, but it's too late, as the missile explodes before he can get too far)
NC (vo): The hand blows up the missile...because let's face it, the author of "Left Behind" is writing this now...as Tom and Stu watch from afar.
(As Tom tends to Stu's broken leg, they look up as a brilliant flash lights up the sky, caused by the nuclear blast, which levels Las Vegas and kills Flagg and his followers)
NC (vo; as Tom): Well, we should be blind.
(Later, Tom and Stu return to Boulder in a Snowcat, as it makes its way through a snowy area)
NC (vo): The next plot point seems so out-of-nowhere, with only eight minutes remaining, I'll just let the writer himself explain it to you.
Teddy Weizak (Stephen King): (to Tom and Stu) It's the baby! It's come early, and it's got the flu.
(We then cut to a hospital, where Frannie had given birth to the baby in question and where the baby is dealing with the flu. Stu and Frannie console one another. Tom and his dog come into the room)
NC (vo): I get the idea of this religious ending with a newborn fighting to be in this new world, but...six hours, man! Wrap it up. You could have her going through this struggle while you were building up the Midas hand jerking off the atom bomb. You can multitask, man!
Doctor: I think the baby's gonna live.
NC (vo): Thankfully, it is pretty short at the end, and the baby of course ends up surviving, and if we didn't have that scene, we might have missed out on this...
(As Stu and Frannie look at the baby, the ghost of Mother Abigail appears above them)
Abigail: Pink baby...
(NC is covering his face and laughing while shaking his head)
NC: Oh, my God!
Abigail: Ain't you beautiful? Just as gorgeous as dawn and evening.
NC (vo): Again, in another King miniseries, this would just be par for the course, but because this one is pretty damn good, scenes like this are just so freakin' funny! Even the dog's giving a look like, (Cut to Tom's dog, as NC speaks like Scooby-Doo) "Rut the ruck is dat?!" (normal) Yes, it becomes (The poster for the following is superimposed...) Playing with Fire for a millisecond!
(We then have a flashback involving a montage of characters in this miniseries)
NC (vo): We saw Lonesome Dove end like this, so we figure it might trigger some Emmies. (A blurb is superimposed, showing that The Stand won an Emmy for Outstanding Makeup For a Miniseries, Movie or a Special") Ooh, it worked!
Stu: (to Frannie) Do you think people can change?
(The series' final shot is on a closeup of the new baby)
Frannie: I don't know. But maybe she does.
NC (vo): Hey, if King can write a serious version of "Dogma", anything's possible.
(The image then fades out, ending the series)
NC: And that was The Stand. Like any King miniseries, it has its corny moments, but honestly, it’s pretty good.
(Footage of the miniseries plays out one last time as NC gives his final thoughts)
NC (vo): A lot of that I think comes down to the acting. The majority of performers sell the hell out of this. This is a project that so easily could’ve been too ridiculous and over-the-top, but this surprisingly finds a good balance so that it doesn’t come across like God's Not Dead 5. The characters are interesting, the pacing is steady, and it remarkably keeps your attention. Despite it being six hours, I was never bored. So, yeah, I know it sounds strange saying a King series about the Rapture with a pro-God message is actually pretty decent, but it truly is. Check it out and see why it's deserving of all the attention.
Voice of Mother Abigail: Critic?
(NC looks up to see the ghost of Mother Abigail (as played by Malcolm) appear before him)
NC: (amazed) Mother Abigail?
Abigail: You've done well, Critic. (NC nods emotionally) You've put aside your compulsion to mock writers more talented than you and acknowledged their good works.
NC: (emotionally) Thanks, Mother Abigail, that...means a lot coming from you.
NC: No, I don't know why I said that.
Abigail: Well, enjoy your Nostalgia-Ween, child. I'm playing rummy with the cast of Little Rascals up here.
NC: Really? How are they?
Abigail: Drunk, mostly.
NC: (nods in slight confusion) Well, that's sad.
Abigail: (disappearing) Bye.
NC: (shrugs, then turns to camera) I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it– (Suddenly, however, before he can finish, he is suddenly crushed by a falling safe!) Thank you, Tamara.
Channel Awesome tagline – Rat Man: Shut up that honky voodoo! (cocks gun)
(The credits roll)