The Spirit

The Spirit
Aired	May 22, 2018
Running Time	29:08
Previous Review	The Boss Baby
Next Review	Deadpool 2
Link	http://channelawesome.com/the-spirit-nostalgia-critic/

(After the Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence, we open on a black-and-white shot of the front door of the studio. NC walks in through it)

Narrator (Doug): The studio is my bitch. I will always protect it. Whenever evil comes, I will defend her–

NC: (looking around, confused) The shit is that?

(There is no answer. After looking around some more in confusion, he continues walking through the studio)

Narrator: She is my studio, to put my hand up her skirt as I please–

NC: Seriously, what the dicksauce is that?

Voice: Hello, Critic.

(NC shudders upon seeing...Tamara Chambers in front of the dark blinds, wearing a leather suit, chains, a rifle and holding a woman's shoe)

Tamara: As a hot-blooded dame of the night, let's kick this review's ass in the sexiest way possible. (winks)

NC: First of all, that's not sexy. That's scary.

Tamara: Scary sexy?

NC: Scary scary. Second, what the perverted Maltese Mother-Falcon is going on?

Tamara: Oh, I know. I thought I'd switch things up today, so I hired a new director: Frank Miller!

NC: Wait. Crazy cool Frank Miller or just crazy Frank Miller?

Tamara: I don't know. Which one is that?

(NC looks aside, and we're shown a bearded man in a hat, who is Frank Miller, played by Doug. Also, he is in color unlike everything else)

Miller: Incredible, my fetish goddess, but you didn't show off the swastika on your outfit.

Tamara: (observes the band on her hand) What are you talking about? There's no... (realizes it has a Nazi symbol on it and throws it away) WAH! Get that off of me!

NC: I knew it. You got the plain crazy one!

Tamara: Hey, hey. You don't know. Maybe this is somehow all brilliant.

Miller: What are you, dense? What are you, retarded or something? Do you know who the hell I am? I'm the goddamn Frank Miller! (starts jumping and laughing crazily)

NC: Nope. It's just crazy. I'll prove it.

(He takes out his phone and calls...a man with long hair writing something on his pad. He answers the call)

Cool Miller: Hello, crazy cool Frank Miller.

NC: Hi. I think we got the plain crazy version of you.

Cool Miller: (massages his forehead) Oh, okay. Well, there's only one way to know for sure. Ask him these questions.

NC: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Got it. (addresses the crazy Miller) Hey, Frank.

Miller: (turns back to NC, grinning) Goddamn?

NC: Why are you in color?

Miller: I don't know.

NC: Why is she dressed like that?

Miller: I don't know.

NC: What does any of this have to do with the source material?

Miller: I don't goddamn know.

NC: (to cool Miller) Yeah, he answered the same to all of them.

Cool Miller: I knew it. That's totally crazy me. The best thing to do is not give him any attention. For the love of God, keep him as far away from Jim Lee as possible.

NC: Great. (hangs up)

Tamara: Wha...I don't get it! I thought Frank Miller was one of the most influential storytellers of our time!

NC: Well, he is...

Miller: You know, I really should draw the Joker more like Plastic Man and Captain Planet more often.

NC: ...Was.

(The footage of young Frank Miller and some of his comic book and movie work is shown)

NC (vo): Frank Miller was one of the biggest names, if not the biggest name in getting people to realize comic books could be for adults. With his reinvention of classic characters like Daredevil and Batman, gorifying his own gritty style with Sin City and 300, and even inspiring blockbuster hits, some of which he himself directed, this was one hell of a creative force to admire.

NC: And then, somewhere, he went cuckoo bananas.

Miller: Goddamn cuckoo bananas?

NC: If it keeps you far away from me, yes.

Miller: I can't promise that.

(The covers and pictures from Miller's comics The Dark Knight III: The Master Race, Holy Terror, World's Finest Vol 1 285, etc., are shown, followed by a recent picture of Frank Miller himself)

NC (vo): Both Miller's writing and artwork seemed to suffer greatly due to...nobody really knows. It's practically a cliche now to mock the insanity of his later works. Whether he just went nuts or was always nuts and just hit it better, nobody could deny there was a train to Out-of-your-damn-minds-ville, and he was the one in the driver's seat.

NC: And one of his crowning achievements of bonkerism is The Spirit.

(The title for the 2008 comic book adaptation The Spirit is shown, followed by its clips)

NC (vo): Based on the 40's comic by Will Eisner, The Spirit tries to go for old-school charm and Satan's school of ethics. So many bizarre choices that nobody but Miller could follow make this an uncomfortable, unfeeling and unrecognizable adaptation of what should be an upbeat adventure (A cover of Eisner's comic that shows the Spirit slapping the woman on her butt and a snippet of another comic showing an Asian taxi driver) with just a hint of misogyny and racism. Hey, maybe Miller was a good choice to direct this! Regardless, many agree not only did it not capture what the original source material was about, but the directions it goes did seem to have no rhyme or reason whatsoever. Are they right?

(NC, back in color, returns to his usual desk, but with the Spirit's mask on)

NC: Well, strap on your masks that don't seem to hide shit...

(Miller is laughing and jumping more crazily than before, like a freaking Daffy Duck)

NC: Dammit, Tamara, why did you give him attention?!

Tamara: I'm sorry, but he's like a car crash! I can't turn away!

NC: (to the camera) This is The Spirit.

Miller: (offscreen) Goddamn!

NC (vo): The film opens dead on arrival-flat-lining on us-while the credits roll.

(After a flash, Lorelei (Jaime King) appears on screen. A bright light is shining on her from the back and makes her look like a shadowy figure)

Lorelei: I am death.

NC: Damn! Death is a hottie.

NC (vo): (as a poster for Meet Joe Black is shown) I know the ladies got Brad Pitt, but this ain't a bad alternative for guys.

NC: (A frame from The Seventh Seal pops up with a knight playing chess with a shadowy figure with Jamie King's head put on it) I would play strip chess with you any day.

NC: It turns out this is a vision that the Spirit is having, as death stalks him a lot through this movie, because apparently death has nothing better to do. Though let's be honest, a woman stalking Gabriel Macht is probably something he is used to.

The Spirit (Gabriel Macht): Yeah?

Officer: Something big is breaking down; The water went flat, Spirit. Word on the street is, the Octopus might be in on it.

NC: Okay, problem number one: your villain is called Octopus. It's dumb.

(A picture of Dr. Otto Octavius with his exoscelleton from Spider-Man 2 is shown)

NC (vo): Even films as goofy as Spider-Man 2 knew to call him Doc Ock, because you can take this name as seriously as you could take the name Pazuzu.

(Several scenes of the Spirit, the Octopus and the officer from the lake calling the name of the villain are shown, until scenes from the movie Exorcist II: The Heretic are played where several people say Pazuzu)

NC: There is not even a reason why he is called that through most of the film. Is his calling card (A picture of an anime girl running from an octopus is shown) tentacle hentai?

NC (vo): Eh, trust me. With this film's tone, that would totally fit.

Officer: Who knows how far his tentacles spread?

NC (vo): The Spirit goes rooftop hopping as convincing as Mario Maker...

(A scene of him jumping over the lines are edited with the Mario Jump sound effect is shown)

NC (vo): ...as he monologues about his city like it's the MILF he is waiting for all his life.

The Spirit: My city. She is not some target-up fraud or dressed like a piece of jail bait. No, she is a bold city, bold and proud of her every crack and wrinkle. She is my sweetheart, my plaything.

NC (vo; chuckles): Okay, so he goes on and on throughout the film about how weirdly aroused he is by this place. But what makes it so funny is that the writing is so bad and so incoherent, it could easily come from (picture of...) The Tick.

NC: Seriously, listen to these lines and imagine him saying it.

(The scene replays with images of the Tick edited in the lower right corner and goofy music from this show)

The Tick (voiced by Rob Walker): She is not some target-up fraud or dressed like a piece of jail bait. No, she is a bold city! Bold and proud of her every crack and wrinkle! She is my sweetheart, my plaything!

NC: I'm honestly not convinced this whole thing is just one big Tick episode.

NC (vo): He doesn't even move that gracefully. He jumps like a drunk swimmer who doesn't know he's on dry land. (Doing his Jerry Lewis voice) Wo-hey-ho, I don't know what I'm doing, somebody catch me! Wha-hoy!

(As the Spirit falls, the screen fades to black and a bump is edited into the scene)

NC (vo; normal): He comes across a damsel in distress being mugged and saves her just in time.

Woman: Who are you?

NC: (vo; as the Spirit) I am... Oh, shit, this film is so unfocused, even I forgot. Well, this is some awkward film-making. (The Spirit promptly leaves without a word) Joe, can you answer for me?

Joe: That's the Spirit.

NC (vo; as the Spirit): Thank you, Joe!

The Spirit: She provides for me, my city does. She gives me everything I need.

NC: Especially this shot (A Batman comic book cover and a scene from Sin City with the same jump style are shown) that Miller really seems to have a hard on for.

NC: (vo) The officer who called the Spirit sees the best make up to stay on underwater ever, as he is shot and the woman goes back under to complete a robbery. Again, totally underwater, not just a fan in a studio that also keeps gelled hair perfect. Trust me, that will be the least of your concerns, when you see Samuel Speedy Gonzales Jackson enter the film.

(Octopus comes out of the water like a hunting alligator and approaches the Spirit)

NC (vo; as Octopus, singing to the Jaws theme): Mother...f-er. Mother-f-er, mother-f-er, mother-f-er.

NC: Oh, by the way, I'm saying mother-f-er, because, get this, you are watching a PG-13 Frank Miller film.

NC: (vo) Yeah, this film noir has literally no "R", so Miller can't even go all the way with his gore. Which was always a big draw with his work. Even a decapitated cop played by Miller gets the puss-out treatment.

Octopus: (stands up with the cop's cut-off head) Heads up! (throws the head, which lands in the Spirit's face, hastily edited and barely shown in the scene)

NC: And that's a shame, (A picture of Miller's Wonder Woman, which looks pretty stupid and nothing like her well-known design, is edited in the scene) because there's a lot of Wonder Woman fans who would love to see that scene in more detail.

NC (vo): I think a lot of them are tired of rewinding this.

(A scene from Sin City is shown where a priest (played by Miller) gets shot and the words 'Worth killing for' are said by his murderer)

NC (vo): The Octopus, played by Jackson, starts fighting the Spirit, while his henchwoman named Silken Floss, played by Scarlett Just-Two-More-Years-Before-I-Do-Real-Comic-Book-Movies-hansson, is nevertheless still giving this performance one-hundred percen-

Silken Floss: (speaking in a monotone voice) Pull up the box and pile of specimens, you've done your petri dishes proud.

NC: (beat) Eighty percen-

Silken Floss: (still speaking in a monotone voice) No need to wait for the boss, if that's the Spirit back there.

NC: (as an auction overseer in front of a mumbling croud) Okay, do I hear fifty percent? Fifty percent? Fifty percent over here! Do I hear forty? Forty, forty percent?

Silken Floss: (still speaking in a monotone voice) The Octopus always finds his nemesis so distracting.

NC: (still in his act, after a short beat) Forty it is! Do I hear thirty? Thirty percent, thirty? Okay, the film is just getting started. I'm pretty sure she can coast even more.

NC: (vo) After the THIRD rising out of the water shot ...

NC: I'd ask if Miller is aroused by that, but I assume everything arouses him.

NC: (vo) As they continue to PG-13 the shit out of each other. Apparently, nothing can destroy these two and they don't seem to feel pain, at least they don't act like they do. So, what should be awesome is basically a boring Itchy and Scratchy cartoon where no one gets hurt.

(The scene shows the Octopus being beaten over and over again by the Spirit, while an Itchy and Scratchy sketch is shown in the corner, where Scratchy is beaten on the head with a hammer by Itchy, saying an disinterested 'Ow' and only showing little amount of pain or physical impact, while Itchy gives a short chuckle after every hit)

NC: Oh, not enough of a cartoon? Get a load of this.

NC (vo; as Octopus): (does the Woody Woodpecker approach with the signature laugh and smashes a toilet on the head of the Spirit) I've got a toilet! (The Octopus laughs after that)

NC: Well, at least they're visually representing the crap they're in.

Octopus: Toilets are always funny.

NC: (deep breath) Usually (An equation "Toilet Emoji = Laughter Emoji" is shown) that mathematical equation is correct, but once again, Miller is really challenging the art of shit.

Octopus: We're the only two like us, pretty boy!

The Spirit: I'm nothing like you.

Octopus: Nothing like me?!

NC: Actually, we have no idea. We're 16 minutes in...

NC (vo): ...and we have no idea what the Spirit is like! I know he wants to fondle the city, but if anything, that makes me want to know even less about him.

(The Spirit passes out and it cuts to a woman who is tending to him)

NC (vo): He passes out and wakes up to a doctor named Ellen treating his wounds.

Ellen (Sarah Paulson): For God's sake, you can't keep taking these chances!

The Spirit: I'll be fine.

NC (vo): Something in my question, by the way, is the use of color in black and white.

NC: In one of Miller's other films, Sin City, it's used very cleverly.

(Clips from Sin City with colored characters are shown)

NC (vo): A woman named Goldie is literally gold and she has a twin sister (Wendy) who the main character confuses for her shown through color, there's a man (Roark Junior) who's supposed to stand out like mad because he's yellow, and in a black and white world that really stands out, an assassin says this woman's eyes tell him she's running and has to accept her fate, he kills her and by the end, comes across a main character with colored eyes who also has to face the same fate.

NC: It felt like there was an instinctual reason for the color, even if it wasn't fully explained.

(Back to The Spirit)

NC (vo): Here, the colors seem beyond random. Anyone can have shades of color on them for no reason. Hell, the black and white looks more like brown and white half the time, so the color isn't even as eye-catching as it should be. (Dorothy Gale and the Wizard of Oz are shown with Roark Junior's face superimposed behind the latter) I feel like I'm watching the opening to Wizard of Oz, except that yellow bastard's suddenly gonna show up! In fact, this Newsies flashback he (The Spirit) has looks like it's been filtered in dog piss. Speaking of which, in this flashback, he knew a girl named Sand Saraf...

NC: Sounds like a font nobody uses. (This name is shown with said font)

(Sand sees a jeweled bracelet on a passerby. Pete tries to wrestle a gun away from a robber and accidentally shoots Sand's father; he collapses in devastation and shoots himself in silhouette)

NC (vo): ...who dreams of one day surrounding herself in material goods. But his Uncle Pete gets in trouble, accidentally shooting Sand's dad who happens to be a cop, before taking his own life.

Reporter: So, kids, just how does this make you feel?

Sand (Eva Mendes): I hate cops!

NC: Well, that's...confusing.

Younger Spirit: You didn't mean what you said...

Sand: Will you just leave me alone?! Just stay away from me!

Younger Spirit: Please give it a while.

Sand: What? What, us?

Younger Spirit: Well, yeah, that's what I mean.

NC: (Looking around confused) Uh, is now really the time to talk about relationship goals?

NC (vo): You didn't even shed a tear when your uncle died! How does he know what happened?! He wasn't there!

Sand: And then some punched-up drunk of an old boxer shoots you dead?!

Younger Spirit: It wasn't Pete, it was that guido, and you know that!

NC: (as younger Spirit) That nobody else saw, including me! It just looked like he was shot in a guido way.

Sand: I'm gonna go all over the world and I'm gonna become rich.

Younger Spirit: Fine, do whatever you want, Sand! (Sand walks away towards a red background) I don't care about you neither! I never want to see you again!

NC: (as younger Spirit) Yeah, that's right, you go to your red! I hope it works out for you! (Beat) You and your red!

NC (vo): But deep in the sewers, we see...

(The Octopus screams and slices a man in half with the sound of Silken Floss biting down on an apple in the background. NC groans, covering his face with hands in frustration)

NC (vo; wearily): Samurai L. Jackson and...Scarlett Kimono-Hansen are disappointed that his cloned experiments brought back the wrong case.

(The Octopus destroys two of his clones with a ninja star thrown at one and an arrow through another one's head)

Octopus: I am sorely disappointed.

(NC looks despondent with his hands on his face, while the Octopus is talking)

Octopus (vo): Alright, you fatheads listening to me?

(A clone smiles bizarrely while Octopus and Silken are pacing behind him with a weird red and white background)

Octopus: Find Sand Saref, find her now!

(NC looks still despondent holding his head in his hands, before turning to the right)

NC: So, Frank...

Miller (off-screen): Ah, yeeeeeeees?

(NC looks puzzled at what he has to see. We cut to Miller, now dressed as a samurai with a blue-colored kimono decorated with a design containing red and white flowers and a katana in his hands. Tamara wears an identical kimono, but, like before, is complete in black and white, while carrying a black umbrella. After a gong we cut back to NC)

NC: (cannot believe what he sees) Jesus. Okay, I'll admit, I don't know much about The Spirit, but I Googled...

(NC pics up his phone before we cut back to Miller who rubs his fingers on the blade of the katana. After doing that two times he realizes that he cut himself badly, which results in him screaming in silence over the pain)

NC (off-screen): The Spirit and samurais, and nothing came up. Though I did...

NC : ...find out Katana's backstory (a frame of Katana's design from the comics is shown. NC looks positively surprised by his discovery) and, surprisingly, there is more to her than "She's got your back".

Miller: Critic, if you can't see why a film noir crime fighter wouldn't use a samurai, (small cut back to NC, who puts his phone away while listening to Miller in disbelief) you also probably can't see why calling someone a fart is a great insult.

Tamara: That's clearly not a great insult.

Miller: Really? I use it in the movie.

(Scene of Silken Floss saying this is shown)

Silken Floss: What other box, you fart?!

Tamara: Dude, what are you? Four years old?

Miller: No, (Holds out his whole hand) I'm this many.

NC: (annoyed) Times twelve?

Miller: (waves his hand in NC's direction) Times twelve.

NC: God!

(In frustration, NC pics up his phone and calls Cool Miller for a second time. Cool Miller pics up the call and seems to know why NC is calling him again)

Cool Miller: You gave him attention, didn't you?

NC: (agitated) He's got Samual L. Jackson as a samurai in The Spirit.

(Cut back to Crazy Miller, who now, having learned from his last attempt, rubs the edge of his sword)

NC (off-screen): I'm sorry, I needed some explanation.

Cool Miller: (rubs his forehead) Critic, it's not worth it. You know the one thing that is more terrifying than no explanation?

NC: (confused) What?

Cool Miller: An explanation.

NC: (Shocked and scared by the realization) Oh, Christ, you're right.

Cool Miller: Just close your eyes and think about how awesome the movie 300 was.

NC: (sighs in relaxation) It was very awesome.

Cool Miller: In fact, it was so good, maybe that director should also handle my version of Batman (NC looks in shock again after hearing it*) the more I think about it.

(*`Editor's note: If you don't know, the director of 300 was Zack Snyder. And we all know how NC thinks about his two other comic book movies, Man of Steel and Batman v Superman)

NC: (rushed) Don't do that. Gotta go.

(He quickly hangs up and puts his phone away, leaving Cool Miller confused)

NC: (To Tamara) Having fun?

(Cut to Tamara and Miller, who... licks the handle of his katana with a grin that says "I belong in a mental institution")

Tamara: I'm confused, what life choices brought me here?

(Finally, we cut back to the movie, where Sand Saref is talking to the philanthropist in an office)

NC (vo): Sand Saref, now played by Eva Mendes, is searching for an ancient treasure because, no joke, it's a shiny thing.

Sand Saref: (Eva Mendes) (Looking at a suit of armor) The shiny thing that ends all shiny things.

NC: (confused) Dames and bling?

NC (vo): She blackmails the philanthropist who betrayed her with incriminating pictures and forces him to hand over all his money. Then - I swear to every known god, I'm not making this up - she xeroxes her ass on the copy machine.

( As NC said, she sits on a copy machine,presses the button to copy and a picture of her sitting butt is made.)

Sand: Imagine my surprise when I show up at the drop point and run smack into the Octopus, making a perfect ass out of you.

NC: (Doesn't know how to comprehend that scene) Dames and... mimeograph posteriors for posterity?

(We zoom out of the scene with the philanthropist, now having a pistole lying in front of him, and cut to The Spirit and Ellen having a conversation)

NC (vo): He shoots himself after loosing all his money, while the Spirit gets friendly with the doctor from before.

Ellen: What is on your agenda tonight?

The Spirit: Oh, I don't know. Dinner. Movie. Anything.

NC: You know, (shows a picture of Miller) for a guy who made fun of the Adam West Batman a lot, he sure is willing to have...

NC (vo): ... his dark and gritty superhero re-enact (Shows a volume of) Archie comics. Or would this be more (changes the comic to a volume of) Betty and Veronica?

NC: I don't know. I don't read them. And then I thought he did.

(Ellen and the Spirit are making out, but then her father interupts them in anger)

NC (vo): The Spirit promises he will be loyal to her, but the father from Wonder Years has other plans.

Eustace Dolan (Dan Lauria): There, front and center.

(A line from Freakazoid! is played)

...: Yo, Freakazoid, wanna get a yogurt?

Morgenstern: (Stana Katic) It's an honor to meet you, Mister Spirit. (Ellen looks at her in jealousy and then to her father, who has a look that says " You see what I mean?") My name is Morgenstern, rookie, fresh from...

NC: (as Morningstern) Nah, just kidding. I'm obviously a stripper.

NC (vo): But Ellen sees he's in love with every woman he meets. I... don't know why she's shocked. She literally just said that.

Ellen: You are in love with every woman you meet.

NC (vo): And he even manages to flirt with the reporters.

Reporter: And for the ladies? You know we hang on your every word.

The Spirit: Thanks for being such amazing, lovely creatures. No two alike.

NC (As the Spirit): Allow me to fix my mask to protect the secret identity I don't have.

(The Spirit is now in the office of the dead shadowy remains of the philanthropist, who, as we can see, managed to blew a good chunk of his head of with a simple hand gun)

NC (vo): They go to the philanthropist who killed himself, but the Spirit recognizes that ass and shows it around town to see if anyone else recognizes it.

NC: (throws his arms up and drops them on the desk) Oh, that's not a joke, that goddamn happens.

(He shows the picture to a man from the middle east, a page and a tiny page)

NC (vo): He literally shows the picture of the ass to ID her.

NC: The only thing stupider than that?

NC(vo): A little person recognizes it.

NC: Get it? Cause he's small. For knowing Miller, all criminal line-ups probably look like (cuts to a criminal line-up with four female lower bodies in the center of it) this.

NC(vo): Tell me this can't possibly get any dumber...

(Oh, but it does. As we see in this scene, where the Octopus is in his lab, havin created another of his clone henchman. But this one only consists of a small foot with the head of his clone on its upper part. The Octopus looks at this in confusion, while one regular clone and Silken are next to him)

Octopus: That's plain damn weird.

Silken: Yes, Sir. Just plain damn weird.

(We se NC holding his head down for a while. Atfer that he gets the courage to raise his head again and speaks with Miller. But he has his eyes closed, fearing what will happen once he opens them)

NC: (makes some hand gestures while blind) Frank. I want to ask what the point of this was. I want to ask why you thought taking one of your little clone minions and turning him into a tiny foot was necessary to learn more about the characters or story. But I'm afraid that if I give you any attention or even look at you, you're just gonna use that attention to to act more freaking insane. Am I right?

( He actually looks at Miller, who... has turned into a literal footman himself)

NC(vo): I was right.

NC: (Completely done with the situation he is in) Cut away from him and never cut back!

(NC rubs his forehead in despair, before we cut to the commercial break. After that, we see Sand coming out of her shower, only dressed with a towel, and the Spirit looking at her through a pair of handcuffs)

NC (vo): So the Spirit finds Sand via butt identification, but she's stepping out of the shower with her hair made up and not the least bit wet.

The Spirit: (has turned away from a blurred-out, completely naked Sand) Put a robe on or something but no tricks./It's stolen.

Sand: (Wearing a weird-looking robe) Oh yeah.

NC (vo): Huh, she just slipped that on, huh?

NC: It's not something you toss on, that is something you glue on.

NC: (vo) It looks like she found the treasured vase with the blood the Octopus was looking for, but she tosses the Spirit out, proving once again, what a clumsy dumbass we're supposed to be rooting for. He's so embarrassing, even the movie starts to reject him.

(The Spirit's cape is hanging on an antler of an Aries gargoyle and a crowd below him makes fun of him)

Citizen 1: He looks stupid.

Citizen 2: You believe, a man can't fly.

Crowd: Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!

NC: Isn't this like pointing out that...

(Cut to an image of Batman with two additional bat ears between the two others arranged like his head looks like the picture of the spork that is put next to it)

NC (vo): ... Batman's head kinda looks like a spork?

NC: Do you really wanna actively make yourself look more lame?

NC (vo): And believe it or not, it gets even lamer.

(The Spirit takes out his belt which leaves his pants fall down to his ankles. He then tries to swing himself to the window where three women are laughing at him. He manages to jump on the elevator, standing in front of the women with his underpants exposed)

NC:(rests his head on his hand) Why do I feel like this is how they find Miller every Thursday night?

NC (vo): He gets a lead, though, and heads over to the Octopus's hide out.

(The Spirit is positioned on a roof above an armed clone.)

The Spirit: All the enemy has is guns and knives. My entire city is my weapon.

(Throws a snowball on a then surprised clone.)

NC: Well, snow is more part of the elements, but whatever gets you and the city to third base.

NC (vo): He jumps in the sewers and comes across Johansson. Could this be a trap? (sarcastic voice) No, no, it's just a woman who is dressed nice in the sewers, who wants to make out with you... (normal voice) Oh, wait it's a trap.

(The scene showed Silken kissing the Spirit, injecting him an anesthetic, after which we cut to a black background with a line of snow and a completely white cat, which looks to the right after a bump sound is heard, which was the knocked out Spirit.)

NC: You know, this guy is like Dick Tracy, except you take out the Tracy, so all you have is dick.

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Ellen and her dad discuss her future with the Spirit. Because this is what we wanted to see when our hero is in peril.

Eustace: He is a goddamn menace and my own daughter is in love with him./You were so much happier in the old days with Danny.

NC: (reminiscing) Yeah, he was pretty charming.

( Cut to Danny from The Room who has a "romantic" dialog with Lisa)

Danny: You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you?

NC: (he remembers him) No, wait, he was disturbed.

Lorelei: (appears out of nowhere in her realm) I can feel you.

NC: You know, Death, is there really nothing better you can do? There's no Bill and Ted movie you can cameo in?

NC: (vo) Spirit wakes up in a chair when out comes... I don't know, a belly dancer...

(There actually appears a belly dancer named Plaster of Paris, an assassin played by Paz Vega, out of the curtains and dances in front of a tied up Spirit)

NC: (throws his hands up again and chuckles) Why the hell not?

NC: (vo) ... and starts dancing for him. Because now we can jump to the conclusion that all of this film is for Miller's own personal video collection. He just wanted to see if he can make money out of it, too. P.S., he couldn't. (The box office shows a weak 39 Million USD. Editor's note: the production budget of this movie was 60 Million USD)

The Spirit: (addressing the audience directly) I've known some darn strange women in my time, some darn strange women.

NC: (shrugs) Sure. We're an hour in. Might as well start talking to the camera now.

NC (vo): And just when you think... No, that's it. This movie is so bad, it actually stops your thinking.

NC: But when you thinking starts to return.