The Spirit

The Spirit
Aired	May 22, 2018
Running Time	29:08
Previous Review	The Boss Baby
Next Review	Deadpool 2
Link	http://channelawesome.com/the-spirit-nostalgia-critic/

(After the Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence, we open on a black-and-white shot of the front door of the studio. NC walks in through it)

Narrator (Doug): The studio is my bitch. I will always protect it. Whenever evil comes, I will defend her–

NC: (looking around, confused) The shit is that?

(There is no answer. After looking around some more in confusion, he continues walking through the studio)

Narrator: She is my studio, to put my hand up her skirt as I please–

NC: Seriously, what the dicksauce is that?

Voice: Hello, Critic.

(NC shudders upon seeing...Tamara Chambers in front of the dark blinds, wearing a leather suit, chains, a rifle and holding a woman's shoe)

Tamara: As a hot-blooded dame of the night, let's kick this review's ass in the sexiest way possible. (winks)

NC: First of all, that's not sexy. That's scary.

Tamara: Scary sexy?

NC: Scary scary. Second, what the perverted Maltese Mother-Falcon is going on?

Tamara: Oh, I know. I thought I'd switch things up today, so I hired a new director: Frank Miller!

NC: Wait. Crazy cool Frank Miller or just crazy Frank Miller?

Tamara: I don't know. Which one is that?

(NC looks aside, and we're shown a bearded man in a hat, who is Frank Miller, played by Doug. Also, he is in color unlike everything else)

Miller: Incredible, my fetish goddess, but you didn't show off the swastika on your outfit.

Tamara: (observes the band on her hand) What are you talking about? There's no... (realizes it has a Nazi symbol on it and throws it away) WAH! Get that off of me!

NC: I knew it. You got the plain crazy one!

Tamara: Hey, hey. You don't know. Maybe this is somehow all brilliant.

Miller: What are you, dense? What are you, retarded or something? Do you know who the hell I am? I'm the goddamn Frank Miller! (starts jumping and laughing crazily)

NC: Nope. It's just crazy. I'll prove it.

(He takes out his phone and calls...a man with long hair writing something on his pad. He answers the call)

Cool Miller: Hello, crazy cool Frank Miller.

NC: Hi. I think we got the plain crazy version of you.

Cool Miller: (massages his forehead) Oh, okay. Well, there's only one way to know for sure. Ask him these questions.

NC: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Got it. (addresses the crazy Miller) Hey, Frank.

Miller: (turns back to NC, grinning) Goddamn?

NC: Why are you in color?

Miller: I don't know.

NC: Why is she dressed like that?

Miller: I don't know.

NC: What does any of this have to do with the source material?

Miller: I don't goddamn know.

NC: (to cool Miller) Yeah, he answered the same to all of them.

Cool Miller: I knew it. That's totally crazy me. The best thing to do is not give him any attention. For the love of God, keep him as far away from Jim Lee as possible.

NC: Great. (hangs up)

Tamara: Wha...I don't get it! I thought Frank Miller was one of the most influential storytellers of our time!

NC: Well, he is...

Miller: You know, I really should draw the Joker more like Plastic Man and Captain Planet more often.

NC: ...Was.

(The footage of young Frank Miller and some of his comic book and movie work is shown)

NC (vo): Frank Miller was one of the biggest names, if not the biggest name in getting people to realize comic books could be for adults. With his reinvention of classic characters like Daredevil and Batman, gorifying his own gritty style with Sin City and 300, and even inspiring blockbuster hits, some of which he himself directed, this was one hell of a creative force to admire.

NC: And then, somewhere, he went cuckoo bananas.

Miller: Goddamn cuckoo bananas?

NC: If it keeps you far away from me, yes.

Miller: I can't promise that.

(The covers and pictures from Miller's comics The Dark Knight III: The Master Race, Holy Terror, World's Finest Vol 1 285, etc., are shown, followed by a recent picture of Frank Miller himself)

NC (vo): Both Miller's writing and artwork seemed to suffer greatly due to...nobody really knows. It's practically a cliche now to mock the insanity of his later works. Whether he just went nuts or was always nuts and just hit it better, nobody could deny there was a train to Out-of-your-damn-minds-ville, and he was the one in the driver's seat.

NC: And one of his crowning achievements of bonkerism is The Spirit.

(The title for the 2008 comic book adaptation The Spirit is shown, followed by its clips)

NC (vo): Based on the 40's comic by Will Eisner, The Spirit tries to go for old-school charm and Satan's school of ethics. So many bizarre choices that nobody but Miller could follow make this an uncomfortable, unfeeling and unrecognizable adaptation of what should be an upbeat adventure (A cover of Eisner's comic that shows the Spirit slapping the woman on her butt and a snippet of another comic showing an Asian taxi driver) with just a hint of misogyny and racism. Hey, maybe Miller was a good choice to direct this! Regardless, many agree not only did it not capture what the original source material was about, but the directions it goes did seem to have no rhyme or reason whatsoever. Are they right?

(NC, back in color, returns to his usual desk, but with the Spirit's mask on)

NC: Well, strap on your masks that don't seem to hide shit...

(Miller is laughing and jumping more crazily than before, like a freaking Daffy Duck)

NC: Dammit, Tamara, why did you give him attention?!

Tamara: I'm sorry, but he's like a car crash! I can't turn away!

NC: (to the camera) This is The Spirit.

Miller: (offscreen) Goddamn!

NC (vo): The film opens dead on arrival-flat-lining on us-while the credits roll.

(After a flash, Lorelei (Jaime King) appears on screen. A bright light is shining on her from the back and makes her look like a shadowy figure.)

Lorelei: I am death.

NC: Damn! Death is a hottie.

NC: (vo) (Showing a movie poster for Meet Joe Black.)I know the ladies got Brad Pitt, but this ain't a bad alternative for guys.

NC: (A frame appears with an old man playing chess with a shadowy figure with Jamie King's head put on it.) I would play strip chess with you any day.

NC: It turns out this is a vision that the Spirit is having, as death stalks him a lot through this movie, because apparently death has nothing better to do. Though let's be honest, a woman stalking Gabriel Macht is probably something he is used to.

The Spirit: (Gabriel Macht) Yeah?

Officer: Something big is breaking down; The water went flat, Spirit. Word on the street is, the Octopus might be in on it.

NC: OK, problem number one: your villain is called Octopus. It's dumb.

NC: (vo) (Shows a picture of Dr. Otto Octavius with his exoscelleton from Spider-man 2) Even films as goofy as Spider- Man 2 knew to call him Doc Ock, because you can take this name as seriously as you could take the name Pazuzu.(Several scenes of the Spirit, the Octopus and the officer from the lake calling the name of the villain, until scenes from the movie Exorcist II: The Heretic are played where several people say Pazuzu) There is not even a reason why he is called that through most of the film. Is his calling card (shows a picture of an anime girl running from an octopus) tentacle hentai?

NC: Eh, trust me. With this film's tone, that would totally fit.

Officer: Who knows how far his tentacles spread?

NC (vo): The Spirit goes rooftop hopping as convincing as Mario Maker... (scene of him jumping over the lines are edited with the Mario Jump sound effect)... as he monologues about his city like it's the MILF he is waiting for all his life.

The Spirit: My city. She is not some target-up fraud or dressed like a piece of jail bait. No, she is a bold city, bold and proud of her every crack and wrinkle. She is my sweetheart, my play thing.

NC: (vo) (chuckles) Ok, so he goes on and on throughout the film about how weirdly aroused he is by this place. But what makes it so funny is that the writing is so bad and so incoherent, it could easily come from (shows picture of) The Tick.

NC: Seriously, listen to these lines and imagine him saying it.

The Tick: (Rob Walker) (Scene replay with images of the Tick edited in the lower right corner and goofy music from this show) She is not some target-up fraud or dressed like a piece of jail bait. No, she is a bold city, bold and proud of her every crack and wrinkle. She is my sweetheart, my play thing.

NC: I'm honestly not convinced this whole thing is just one big Tick episode.

NC: (vo) He doesn't even move that gracefully. He jumps like a drunk swimmer who doesn't know he's on dry land. (Doing his Jerry Lewis voice) Wo-hey-ho, I don't know what I'm doing, somebody catch me! Whoy! (As the Spirit falls, the screen fades to black and a bump is edited into the scene. After that, NC speaks in his normal voice again) He comes across a damsel in distress being mugged and saves her just in time.

Woman: Who are you?

NC: (as the Spirit) I am... Oh shit, this film is so unfocused, even I forgot. Well, this is some awkward film-making. Joe, can you answer for me?

Joe: That's the Spirit.

NC: (as the Spirit) Thank you, Joe.

The Spirit: She provides for me, my city does. She gives me everything I need.

NC: Especially this shot (a Batman comic book cover and a scene from Sin City with the same jump style are shown) that Miller really seems to have a hard on for.

NC: (vo) The officer who called the Spirit sees the best make up to stay on underwater ever, as he is shot and the woman goes back under to complete a robbery. Again, totally underwater, not just a fan in a studio that also keeps gelled hair perfect. Trust me, that will be the least of your concerns, when you see Samuel Speedy Gonzales Jackson enter the film.

NC: (as Octopus) (Coming out of the water like a hunting alligator and approaching the Spirit) Mother...f-er. Mother-f-er, mother-f-er, mother-f-er.

NC: Oh, by the way, I'm saying mother-f-er, because get this, you are watching a PG-13 Frank Miller film.

NC: (vo) Yeah, this film noir has literally no 'R', so Miller can't even go all the way with his gore. Which was always a big draw with his work. Even a decapitated cop played by Miller gets the puss-out treatment.

Octopus: (stands up with the cut off head) Heads up! (Throws the head, which lands in the Spirit's face, hastily edited and barely shown in the scene)

NC: And that's a shame, (a picture of Miller's Wonder Woman, which looks pretty stupid and nothing like her well-known design, is edited in the scene) because there's a lot of Wonder Woman fans who would love to see that scene in more detail.

NC: (vo) I think a lot of them are tired of rewinding this.

(A scene from Sin City is shown where a priest (played by Miller) gets shot and the words 'Worth killing for' are said by his murderer)

NC: (vo) The Octopus, played by Jackson, starts fighting the Spirit, while his henchwoman named Silken Floss, played by Scarlett Just-Two-More-Years-Before-I-Do-Real-Comic-Book-Movies-hansson, is nevertheless still giving this performance one-hundred percen-

Silken Floss: (speaking in a monotone voice) Pull up the box and pile of specimens, you've done your petri dishes proud.

NC: (beat) Eighty percen-

Silken Floss: (still speaking in a monotone voice) No need to wait for the boss, if that's the Spirit back there.

NC: (as an auction overseer in front of a mumbling croud) OK, do I hear fifty percent? Fifty percent? Fifty percent over here! Do I hear forty? Forty, forty percent?

Silken Floss: (still speaking in a monotone voice) The Octopus always finds his nemesis so distracting.

NC: (still in his act) (Short beat) Forty it is! Do I hear thirty? Thirty percent, thirty? OK, the film is just getting started. I'm pretty sure she can coast even more.

NC: (vo) After the THIRD rising out of the water shot ...

NC: I'd ask if Miller is aroused by that, but I assume everything arouses him.

NC: (vo) As they continue to PG-13 the shit out of each other. Apparently, nothing can destroy these two and they don't seem to feel pain, at least they don't act like they do. So, what should be awesome is basically a boring Itchy and Scratchy cartoon where no one gets hurt.

(The scene shows the Octopus being beaten over and over again by the Spirit, while an Itchy and Scratchy sketch is shown in the corner, where Scratchy is beaten on the head with a hammer by Itchy, saying an disinterested 'Ow' and only showing little amount of pain or physical impact, while Itchy gives a short chuckle after every hit)

NC: Oh, not enough of a cartoon? Get a load of this.

NC: (as Octopus) (Does the Woody Woodpecker approach with the signature laugh and smashes a toilet on the head of the Spirit) I've got a toilet! (The Octopus laughs after that)

NC: Well, at least they're visually representing the crap they're in.

Octopus: Toilets are always funny.

NC: (deep breath) Usually (shows Toilet Emoji = Laughter Emoji) that mathematical equation is correct, but once again, Miller is really challenging the art of shit.