The Sorcerer's Apprentice
August 15, 2017
"Some Jerk with a Camera joins the review, seeing why Nicolas Cage as Mickey Mouse surprisingly doesn’t work. Nostalgia Critic & Some Jerk take a look at, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice."
(We start off this review with NC watching TV and being mesmerized. On the TV is Fantasia, which is showing its signature segment, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice". The music by Paul Dukas plays throughout. NC yawns, pulls out a Blu-ray from the player, puts it on a table and leaves the room. On the background, a whiteboard with multiple words "I will not breathe" and the word "HALP" below is seen. Suddenly, a Jerry Bruckheimer Films logo flies up, with two big hands! It starts conjuring in front of the Blu-ray case. After an explosion, Nicolas Cage appears! Well, not really, just Jim Jarosz with Cage's cardboard mask on. He sings with the voice of Tony Goldmark)
Cage: (singing) Praise me! / I'm crazy!
(On the TV, after another explosion, the 2010 movie The Sorcerer's Apprentice starts playing)
Cage: (singing) Oh, God! / Oh, my GOD!! NOT THE BEES!!!
(As the movie continues playing, Cage dances)
Cage: (singing) Whoa, whoa, Nicolas Cage / I am the Nicolas Cage / Oh, damn, you've just been upstaged
(NC overhears this and rushes back to the living room)
Cage: (singing) I'm laughing, I'm raging, I break every gauge, Nic Cage / I'm on a rampage, Nic Cage / Deranged, Nic Cage
(NC grabs an axe and starts beating the shit out of Cage with it)
Cage: (singing) I scream "Hallelujah", A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H! / Nic Cage, it's my golden age! / Ridiculous Nicolas Cage! / Your sage, your sorcerer mage! / Nic Cage! My name is...
(And suddenly, NC wakes up. He smiles in relief)
Cage: (offscreen) Wait for it...
(NC turns to see FIVE Cages, the middle one holding the Blu-Ray for The Sorcerer's Apprentice)
Cage: (singing) Nicolas Cage!
(NC headdesks in shock and annoyance. And we come to our opening! After that, fade to NC at his usual spot)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (hits his hand on desk, looks around) Why do we keep falling for Nicolas Cage movies?
(The screenshots from Leaving Las Vegas, an outtake from Dog Eat Dog, and Face/Off are shown)
NC (vo): There used to be a time where when he was good, he was amazing, and when he was bad, he was still amazing. He was one of the most entertaining people to watch.
(The posters for The Frozen Ground, Stolen, Dying of the Light and Bangkok Dangerous are shown)
NC (vo): But then he got into making so many of them that the Cage magic was spread too thin.
(A clip from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is shown)
Old Bilbo Baggins (Ian Holm): Like butter scraped over too much bread.
(More posters are followed: Pay the Ghost, The Runner, Rage, USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage and The Trust)
NC (vo): It wasn't as much fun anymore. Nevertheless, I still looked forward to them. Why? Because I'm a friggin' dumbass.
NC: No joke; if anyone ever involves a celebrity in something I like, I always fall for it.
(A cell phone rings, NC answers it)
Voice: (on the phone) Hello, it's Nicolas Cage.
NC: (excited) The Nicolas Cage?! I would in no way question this!
"Cage": (on the phone) Naturally, I want you to join me and Tony Goldmark in the other room. We'll dress like bears and sing DuckTales in Egypt.
NC: You got it!
(He gets up and leaves into the hallway, but the excitement goes down when he stops and sees...)
"Cage": Oh, by the way, this call is collect, 'cause I just...
(...Tony Goldmark himself, aka Some Jerk with a Camera, imitating Cage and holding, well, a camera!)
Tony: ...collected your dumb ass! (laughs)
NC: Goddamn it, Tony! No wonder they call you Some Jerk with a Camera!
Tony: And I got it all on camera! (laughs some more)
NC: Oh, great, you exploited my very specific foible.
Tony: And it was amazing! HA!
(NC and Tony stare at each other for some time)
NC: So you...flew all the way out here just for that, huh?
Tony: Yeah, in hindsight, it didn't really justify the cost.
NC: I mean, plane tickets, gas, hotel... Do you have a hotel?
Tony: (points up) I slept on the roof.
NC: Good God, man.
Tony: Mind if I stay here until I crowdfund my way home?
NC: Yeah, sure.
Tony: God bless you.
(The two go back into the living room. Tony notices The Sorcerer's Apprentice Blu-ray)
NC: (smiling) Good.
(Another awkward pause occurs. NC raises his hand and puts in on Tony's chest. It stretches out and slowly pushes Tony to the other end of the room. NC quietly sits down)
NC: Thus, in 2010, Nicolas Cage gave us another dull-saster with The Sorcerer's Appre- (frowns) All right, get over here.
Tony: Whee! (He sits on another office chair with wheels and rides to NC to push him back in response) Sorcerer's Apprentice!
(The screenshots from Walt Disney's Fantasia are shown)
Tony (vo): In 1940, Walt Disney released perhaps his most audacious experiment in a career of audacious experiments. Fantasia, heralded by some as Walt's masterpiece, combined classical music with classic Disney animation in ways no one had seen before. And its most famous sequence is The Sorcerer's Apprentice starring Mickey Mouse.
NC (vo): A simple story about a janitor who almost destroys the world, it featured the mouse who started it all in his red robe and blue hat magically controlling the cosmos, becoming one of the most iconic images in Disney's illustrious history.
Tony: Then, seven decades later, this presumably happened.
(Cut to a skit involving the Chart Guys (Rob and Malcolm) calling Cage)
"Cage": (on the phone) Disney, I want to play a wizard.
Chart Guy 2: Well, we can certainly do that.
Chart Guy 1: Yes, we have a live-action version of Sword in the Stone.
Chart Guy 2: Black Cauldron?
Chart Guy 1: Wizards of Waverly Place?
Chart Guy 2: A Wicked-style Jafar movie?
"Cage": I wanna play Mickey Mouse.
Chart Guy 1: What?
Chart Guy 2: No!
Chart Guy 2: (giving up) Okay...
"Cage": Just run it by my agent. He says yes to everything.
Chart Guy 1: We noticed.
"Cage": Thanks, guys.
(The caller is actually Anthony Sardiniha himself)
Anthony: (as Cage) This is gonna be AWESOME! (He hangs up and laughs) Oh, man! I cannot wait to see where this one leads. (leaves)
(Then, we are shown the clips from 2010's The Sorcerer's Apprentice)
NC (vo): Thus, we got a movie that has little to nothing to do with The Sorcerer's Apprentice called The Sorcerer's Apprentice.
Tony (vo): Directed by Jon Turtletaub...
NC: (eagerly) You mean, the same guy who directed...? (The posters for Turtletaub's movies appear bellow: National Treasure and its sequel, While You Were Sleeping, Phenomenon, Cool Runnings and The Kid)
Tony: Oh, yes. (poster of...) 3 Ninjas.
Tony (vo): The film was trying to cash-in on hugely successful cinematic updates of Disney properties at the time, like (poster for...) Pirates of the Caribbean, and... (The posters for other Disney reboots/remakes of 2000s are shown very quickly: Herbie Fully Loaded, The Shaggy Dog (2006), The Haunted Mansion, and Tron: Legacy, before going back to...) Pirates of the Caribbean. But where that movie at least had some connection to the original source material, this...
(Tony and NC shrug in confusion)
NC (vo): ...had a dancing broom for a minute.
Tony: (holds up index finger) Authentic!
NC: Let's take a look at why the magic is gone with Sorcerer's Apprentice. (Tony stops smiling and lowers the finger)
(The movie starts)
Tony (vo): It opens with a prologue so complicated, you'd swear they were trying to squeeze in five other movies into this movie.
Narrator: The fate of mankind rested with the just and powerful Merlin. He taught his secrets to three trusted apprentices: Balthazar, Veronica, and Horvath.
NC (vo; as the narrator): This is Ian McShane, by the way. I figured I'd introduce myself because I have no idea what character I'm supposed to be in this. Nevertheless, I'll still leave a bigger impact in Pirates 4 [On Stranger Tides].
(Merlin is ready to fight...)
Narrator: Morgana le Fay, Merlin's most deadly enemy.
Tony: Well, that and Transformers 5.
(Merlin holds his sword close to Morgana's throat)
Merlin: We are but servants.
(The picture of a servant that has a big butt instead of a head. A caption saying "Butt Servants" appears)
NC (vo): Eh, I'm gonna assume that's a different spelling. But the way this movie goes, it wouldn't surprise me.
(One of Merlin's apprentices, Maxim Horvath, enters and takes Merlin's sword)
Merlin: Horvath. You betrayed me?
NC: Yeah. Nice read there, Spirit Halloween Storebeard.
NC (vo): This is why the Borg Queen (Morgana) is assimilating you.
(After Morgana stabs Merlin, two more apprentices, Balthazar Blake and Veronica Gorloisen, continue to fight her. Veronica proceeds to absorb Morgana's soul from her body into her own. The screen fades to Veronica doing the same gesturing as before)
Tony (vo): This movie's in such a hurry, they dissolve from one shot to the exact same shot.
Tony: Now, I hate it when movies do this. This was clearly a full scene at one point, but it didn't work, so they cut it down in editing and tried to make it faster...
(Dissolve to Tony still talking and NC listening to him, with his hand on cheek)
Tony: ...and that's why we should all go to Mitt Romney's house dressed as hamsters and convince him he's a hamster, too, when his entire human life has been a dream.
NC: (astonished) Whoa, you really went off on a tangent there.
Tony: (waves off) Yeah, I'll fix it in post.
Narrator: Veronica sacrificed herself for Balthazar by drawing Morgana's soul into her own body. Balthazar trapped them both in the Grimhold, an inescapable prison. (And the Grimhold is a nesting doll)
NC: That you can buy at your grandma's antique store.
(Before dying, Merlin gives Balthazar a dragon figurine that will identify Merlin's descendant)
NC (vo): So Balthazar, played by Cage, searches the world for Merlin's successor, the Prime...Merlinean that will one day defeat the trapped Morgana.
Tony (vo): But he'll in no way use his powers to stop the atrocities of history.
Narrator: ...For mankind will never be safe until Morgana is destroyed.
NC: Maybe you can use those powers to stop (holds up two fingers) two World Wars, if you have the time?!
Tony: Slavery, genocide? Those'll sort themselves out. (points at camera while NC makes a hilarious face while nodding) He's gotta keep the world safe!
(Cut to a 10-year-old boy named Dave Stutler waking up and turning off his Buzz Lightyear alarm clock)
Tony (vo): Flash forward to our young protagonist being awoken by his corporate masters, heading to school (The caption "New York City 2000" appears as Tony sings in a high, echoey voice similar to Andy Richter's) in the year 2000!
NC (vo): This is David, a boy who's so new to dating that he asks a girl out the same way a girl would ask a girl out.
(Dave's love interest, Becky Barnes, receives a note in the form of a questionnaire that reads "Check One: I Would Like to Be David's Friend/Girl Friend")
NC: Yeah, where's the box for "I Would Like to Be David's Restraining Order"?
NC (vo): But the note blows away, and David chases after it.
(Dave chases after the note in an alleyway, which is picked up by a woman wearing headphones)
Dave: No! No, lady! Don't!
(The woman smiles and throws the note away instead of giving it to Dave)
Tony (vo; as Dave): I guess I could just ask her, since she clearly already knows I wrote it, but I need the receipt for my taxes!
(Dave enters a magic store)
(The Disney Logo is shown next to the bottle with the little girl's head inside as NC hums its theme)
Tony (vo): He literally bumps into Cage, who, as you would expect, is a little quirky.
Balthazar Blake: I have something I'd like to show you, Dave.
Dave: How did you know my name was Dave?
Balthazar: Because I can read minds!
(Dave has a stunned face as a dramatic sting is heard)
NC: Okay, movie. Nicolas Cage is one of those people you do not need to overscore.
Tony: Yeah, he's already his own strange music.
(Balthazar's dragon figurine comes to life, steps on Dave's index finger and turns into a ring)
Tony (vo): A magic ring clings to his hand, meaning he's the chosen one.
Dave: No way.
Tony: Because God knows why your actions should make you special. He's just chosen!
(Dave accidentally drops Balthazar's Grimhold to the ground, it breaks in half, and a bunch of cockroaches come out of it)
NC (vo): But an evil villain is released as well.
Dave: No way...
NC: Is that all this twerp says?!
(Three scenes of Dave saying "No way" at different points are shown)
NC: This kid really knows his vocabulary from A to A!
(The cockroaches take shape of a man and transform into Horvath. Before he can say something to Dave, Balthazar sends him to the ceiling)
Horvath: That's not very sporting of you, Balthazar.
Balthazar: (to Dave) Where's that doll?
(Dave points at the doll he broke still on the floor)
NC: (as Balthazar) Oh, apologies. I guess I could have just looked down.
Tony: (as Balthazar) Question two: How'd it get burned?! HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!
Tony (vo): The evil Horvath, played by Alfred Molina, manages to fight Cage back.
(Horvath draws a sword out of a stand)
Horvath: I'll have that doll.
(Balthazar and Horvath swordfight)
NC (vo; as Balthazar): (singing to the theme music of Pirates of the Caribbean) Ta-da-da-ta, ta-da-da-ta, I am Nicolas Cage Sparrow!
(Horvath throws a fireball at Balthazar and creates a fire in the shop, but Balthazar jumps at him right out of the flames)
Tony (vo): Molina throws fire at him, only to find out fire doesn't hurt him. So...why did he throw fire at him?
(As Dave crawls out of the shop, Balthazar and Horvath are both imprisoned in an ancient Chinese urn with a ten-year lock curse. After running outside, Dave throws the Grimhold away)
NC (vo): They both get sucked into the magic urn, and David leaves the store and...coincidentally, comes across his field trip.
Boy: Ew, he peed his pants!
(Dave notices that water splashed on him while the sorcerers were fighting. The whole class laughs at him)
Dave: A jar broke! It's just water!
(We are shown that one girl is laughing much harder than everyone else in the group)
NC (vo): Oh, my God!
NC: That kid's laugh...
NC (vo): ...is terrifying! Is she eating somebody's soul while laughing that hard?
Tony: Hey, you leave her alone! She's a good friend of mine.
Tony: Yeah, she grew up into a lovely woman. Look.
(Tony and NC turn to see Tamara as the little girl, who's laughing so hard, it creeps NC out)
NC: Was she just standing there in silence until you addressed her...?
Tony: (smiling, not looking away) It's best not to question her.
(Tamara continues to laugh)
NC: Uhh, she's freaking me out!
(He throws a remote at her, but when it hits her, she's not damaged in any way and still laughs!)
NC: (astonished) How did she...?!
Tony: I told you, it's best not to question her. Let's just continue the review.
(Tony turns back to the camera, but NC is still weirded out by the crazy-laughing Tamara. Back to the film, 10 years pass as Dave is now played by Jay Baruchel)
NC (vo): Cut to 10 years later, where David has grown up into man seeking plot, Jay Baruchel.
Tony (vo): A shame his voice didn't grow up with him, as it constantly sounds like two geese fighting over rye bread.
(Dave is shown in various scenes exclaiming "Uhhh"s and "Ohhh"s)
Becky: Is everything okay?
(A goose cackle is put in when Dave speaks to Becky. Cut back to the scene of Dave talking with his roommate Bennet, who takes a role of a typical "black best friend")
Tony (vo): He lives with the unsuccessful prototype of Ned in Spider-Man: Homecoming and comes across an old familiar face.
(At university, Dave meets Becky, who's also grown up and is now played by Teresa Palmer)
Dave: I'm sorry. Is... Becky? Becky Barnes?
Tony: Hang on, I've always wanted to do this. (He takes a sheet of paper and starts reading) "Longing, rusted, seventeen, day-" (NC knocks the paper out of Tony's hands) Hey!
Dave: We were in fourth grade together.
Becky: (chuckling) Yeah.
NC (vo): Yeah, in a bizarre twist, this is actually the scary girl that was laughing at him all those years ago.
(Suddenly, Tamara startles Tony and NC by laughing madly again)
Tony: Oh, great, you got her going again.
NC: What do we do?
Tony: Just...let her laugh herself out.
(Tamara laughs...and then abruptly stops, staring and smiling creepily at NC and Tony. The two don't look away from her. The "score" for Doomsday Machine is heard in the background)
NC: C-C-Can we put a blanket on her or something?
Tony: Go ahead.
(Tamara keeps on staring)
NC: (whispering) You do it.
Tony: (whispering) No.
(Back to the movie. Dave helps Becky out by fixing the transmitting mast of the radio station. Meanwhile, after the 10-year imprisonment, Horvath is released out of the Chinese urn a woman bought at the flea market)
NC (vo): He helps her fix the college radio station she works at, while Cage and Molina have a vase...off.
Horvath: Cheerio, Balthazar!
(Horvath throws the urn out the window, but Balthazar is released out of it before it smashes on the sidewalk. He goes on top of the Chrysler Building and touches the gargoyle)
NC (vo; as Balthazar): You'll take me to a lawyer to stop a Dresden Files lawsuit.
(Dave is confronted by Horvath)
Tony (vo): Molina finds David and tries to force him to give him the Russian doll, known as the Grimhold.
Horvath: (holding a blade) I'll cut the truth out of you.
(Dave flees, but bumps into the metal door, not knowing that it doesn't open by pushing it)
NC: And at that very moment, the word "nerp" was created.
(Horvath pokes the calendar photo that has wolves on it, and they come to life and chase Dave)
Tony (vo): He finally figures out the sorcery of opening a door, and Molina sends wolves after him, though, honestly, there's about a billion ways he could have just kept him in that room. But it's cool, Cage turns them into puppies!
(Before the wolves jump on Dave to attack him, they are turned into baby wolves)
NC: If he could turn the wolves into puppies, how come he couldn't turn Molina into a baby?
Tony: Because then he'd have to raise him with Holly Hunter. (The poster for Raising Arizona is shown) And the Coens already have enough repeating.
(Balthazar appears, riding a giant animated steel eagle)
NC (vo): Cage files in, though, on a pretty badass metal eagle.
Dave: (amazed) No way.
Balthazar: Where's the doll, Dave?
NC: That's exactly what I want Nicolas Cage riding a badass metal eagle to say.
Tony (vo): They escape, and Dave tries to take in the situation.
Balthazar: I've been stuck in an urn for the last ten years.
Dave: So have I! A...a figurative urn of ridicule.
Tony: (hand on cheek) That line of dialogue guest directed by Judd Apatow.
NC: I chose.
NC (vo): Hey, here's a fun game. Try to spot the moment where Nicolas Cage actually seems invested in what he's saying.
Balthazar: It is a prison for the most dangerous Morganians in history. Horvath wants to free his fellow Morganians and destroy the world. You have a very special gift.
Tony: Trick question! There are NO moments when he's invested in this!
Tony (vo): It's so weird. He just looks and sounds so bored. The whole movie is stunningly devoid of Nicolas Cage freakouts or any energy to speak of. You know how he likes to alternate between screaming and soft muttering? Here, it's just soft muttering for the whole movie! It's Nicolas Cage as a sorcerer! How is this dull?!
(A montage of scenes of Balthazar speaking softly/calmly to Dave is shown)
Balthazar: ...until we found the sorcerer who would inherit his power. / It focuses your energy. Helps you master new spells. / You have to become the Prime Merlinean. / You're going to set me free.
(Balthazar's face pops up at the bottom right corner, moving left and right to the slowed-down "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" by Dukas. Anthony Sardiniha is singing to the music as Balthazar)
Anthony (vo, as Balthazar): (singing, sounding bored) Hi, I'm Nicolas Cage / I know, advancing in age / I'm slower and duller and lacking the rage, Nic Cage / Not really engaged, Nic Cage / Got paid my wage / I like eating bread, paying taxes and taking these pills, Nic Cage / These pills are so great, they send all the goblins away, Nic Cage / This song doesn't rhyme, Nic Cage / I sleep now...
(The music stops, Balthazar's face drops down and loud snoring is heard)
NC: You see? This is what I'm talking about. There's no more Nicolas Cage freakout movies anymore. I always think it's gonna be one, and it never is! Well, you know what? I'm not gonna be that gullible again!
(A phone rings again, and NC answers it)
Voice (Doug): (on the phone) Hello, this is Sgt. Slaughter.
NC: (smiles and salutes) Yo, Joe!
"Slaughter": (on the phone) I was wondering if you want to team up with me and Devil Boner in the other room to travel to Africa and wrestle lions until their heads explode.
NC: You got it! I'll be right there!
(He hangs up and eagerly runs to the hallway to see...Devil Boner giving him a prank call. He laughs at NC)
NC: (disappointed) Goddamn it, you guys!
(Tony pops out from behind a doorway)
Devil Boner: Hey, Jerk with a Camera!
Tony: Hey, Devil Boner! You played one on him, too?
Devil Boner: It's so easy! (laughs)
Tony: I know, right? He is so stupid!
(Tony laughs along with Devil Boner. A disappointed NC is about to leave, until Tamara suddenly appears again and laughs along with Tony and Devil Boner)
NC: Oh, shit! Let me- Get her going!
(He pushes her away and leaves along with a still-laughing and skipping Tony, while Devil Boner continues laughing. He then begins walking out while clicking his heels. Back to the movie)
NC (vo): So Cage gives Dave a crash course in... (sighs) the science of magic. Actually, they do that surprisingly a lot in this movie.
Balthazar: Everything we see is in a constant state of vibration. That's the illusion of solidity. Sorcerers can manipulate matter, because they're born with the capability to use the entire power of their brain. We will the vibrations to go faster.
Dave: Is sorcery science or magic?
Balthazar: Yes and yes.
Tony: No and no. When you try to shoehorn science into magic, all you do is make it less fun for the fantasy lovers, and even more infuriating for the science nerds!
NC (vo): We don't need to know the science of the flux capacitor. We don't need the engineering manual for the Ring of Power.
NC: Do you want midi-chlorians? Because this is how you get midi-chlorians!
(We see Dave and Balthazar arrive in Chinatown, where it's hosting a parade)
NC (vo): They go to Chinatown to see if they have any of that Mulan Szechuan dipping sauce...
NC: Bad news: they don't.
Tony: (disappointed) Oh...
NC (vo): So they decide to look for the doll, which they trace back to an acupuncturist. This leads to a lot of comedic antics.
(While waiting outside, Dave is approached by two short Chinese women, who just stare at him)
NC: (shrugging) All right, that's all he could come up with. Let's see how Cage is doing.
(While Balthazar is looking inside a building, another Chinese woman approaches him)
Woman: Do you have an appointment?
Balthazar: (speaking Cantonese) Your hair is beautiful.
Tony: (snickers) Okay, his piss-poor Cantonese is all the comedy we need.
Balthazar: (speaking Cantonese) Your hair is beautiful.
(Suddenly, a villain known as Sun Lok appears)
NC (vo): But Goro's less-impressive two-armed brother tries to attack.
(Sun Lok uses his magic to bring a dragon to life, which chases Dave throughout a building)
NC (vo; as Dave): Oh, my God! I have no idea how to train these!
(As Hovarth confronts Balthazar again, Balthazar uses several beads to tie Hovarth up)
Balthazar: Be still.
(NC and Tony look at each other, before NC counts to three with his fingers and...)
NC and Tony: NOT THE BEADS! NOT THE BEADS!
(The dragon climbs up another building in search of Dave)
NC (vo): Oh, Jesus. Susan Sarandon's dragon from Enchanted looked more real!
(Dave faces the dragon while wearing his dragon ring)
Balthazar: This is it.
Yogurt (audio, from Spaceballs): Use the Schwartz!
(Dave uses the ring to defeat the dragon, while Balthazar defeats Sun Lok)
NC (vo): The dragon is defeated, just as the cops show up on the scene.
(A pair of cops approach Balthazar and Dave, who are suddenly in disguise as cops)
Cop: Hey, what have you got?
Tony (vo; as the cop): We had reports of a Nicolas Cage movie on the loose.
Balthazar: (speaking in a New York cop accent) Bottle rocket meets paper dragon in this Asian festival. Between you and me, Cap, I think some of these folks were hitting the sake pretty hard.
NC: Glad to know his New York is as good as his Cantonese.
Tony: Does he think New York is Boston?
Tony (vo): Cage takes Nerpface to a safe place to train him, as he opens up the book to open up the book.
(Balthazar brings out a magic book, while undoing its large number of folded spots to make the book bigger)
Balthazar: The art, science, history of sorcery, including our recent history as well.
(He gives the book to Dave and pulls the book up to make it more bigger and heavier. NC and Tony, stunned, begin shrugging)
NC: Okay, that was pretty cool.
Tony: Yeah, give them a point.
(A caption pops up, saying "The "GODDAMNIT WE ACTUALLY LIKED SOMETHING" List". Back to the movie, where Balthazar activates the Merlin Circle)
Balthazar: This is the Merlin Circle. Once you enter...there is no going back.
Dave: So I should probably pee first? (Beat) I can hold it.
NC: (as Cage) You know, the first time I did a Bruckheimer production, I was teamed up with Sean Connery. What life choices brought me here?
(And we go to a commercial)
(We fade to a poster of The Sorcerer's Apprentice on a flaming background)
Announcer (Malcolm): From the studio that brought you The Sorcerer's Apprentice, comes the next big step in world-building.
(Balthazar (Doug) and Dave (Walter Banasiak) are shown entering the computer office)
Dave: Balthazar, I heard it down here! I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I don't know what to do!
Balthazar: Stay here, you incryable pussy. I'll go check it out.
(They turn to notice a man standing in the shadows)
Man: You think you're the only sorcerer in the world? Balthazar, you've become part of a much bigger symphony.
Balthazar: ...Who the hell are you?
(The man, played by Malcolm, steps out of the shadows. He looks like Nick Fury, but with a white Beethoven-styled wig)
Man: Stokowski, conductor of the orchestra.
Leopold: I'm here to tell you about...the Fantasia Initiative.
Announcer: The Fantasia Cinematic Universe. Start Phase One in 2018 with Night on Bald Mountain, with Jared Leto as Chernabog.
Chernabog/Leto (Jim Jarosz): Fire! Tits! Skeletons! Demons! Skeleton demons with their tits on fire! (cackles) I'm the Devil! (continues cackling)
Leto's Agent (Doug): (offscreen) Mr. Leto, you're wanted on set.
Leto: (points to his head) I'm on set in my mind! (resumes laughing)
Leto's Agent: (offscreen) Whatever stops you from mailing me sex toys.
Announcer: And in 2019, Dance of the Hours with Scarlett Johansson as the ostrich.
(Dissolve to Tamara as Black Widow holding out a gun and having an ostrich's tail)
Ostrich/Johansson: I was a dancer, trained to the Red Room. On the graduation, they've sterilized me. I can never lay another egg again. Those hippos will pay.
Announcer: Coming year 2020, Jack Black is Bacchus in The Pastoral Symphony.
(Cut to Tony as Bacchus, with a guitar around his neck and a wine cup on it)
Bacchus/Black: (singing) Mmmm, gonna fuck 'em all to the Krakatoa, y'all! (He raises the cup)
Announcer: In 2021, Selena Gomez is the Sugar Plum Fairy in Nutcracker.
(Tamara is dressed like Sugar Plum Fairy and is smiling and turning from left to right)
Fairy/Gomez: Oh, my God, guys. I am a fairy. I just...wow!
Announcer: In 2022, Daniel Day-Lewis returns to the silver screen as a dinosaur in Rite of Spring.
(And it's just Dino Rob)
Dino/Lewis: Hey, you can't prove he's under here.
Announcer: And finally, in 2023, Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bach.
(Dissolve to Doug as Walter White: in the light of recent events, this is a match made in Heaven)
Walter White: (pointing around) I want abstract imagery not too big, not too specific. Spread out as far as the eye can see.
(Cut to Balthazar and Dave watching Walter)
Dave: Now, wait a minute. What, are you crazy?
Walter: You're goddamn right.
(The group shot of all the aforementioned live-action characters is shown)
Announcer: They all join forces in The Fantasiers. Never has there been such a misguided franchise with so many celebrities attached. Okay, there's been several, but this one's especially embarrassing.
(Cut to Tamara as Bette Midler in a space background)
Bette Midler: Hi, I'm Bette Midler. Let me treat you like a dumbass by calling Salvador Dali the melting watch guy.
Announcer: You're too early, that's for Phase Two.
Midler: Oh, my bad. (leaves)
Announcer: The Fantasia Cinematic Universe. Right after we finish the Marvel, Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Muppets, Pirates, and Disneynature Cinematic Universes, and also our new animated films, and Pixars, and, like, 50 live-action remakes. But once we finish our live-action Home on the Range, we promise we'll get around to it.
(Dissolve back to Balthazar and Dave standing back to back with their arms crossed)
Balthazar: You're lying, aren't you?
Announcer: Yes, we are.
(We return from commercial to Horvath entering the office of Drake Stone, a young celebrity magician)
NC (vo): So Molina gets the help of another magician called Drake Stone, an obvious David Blaine ripoff who apparently uses his real magic to entertain people.
Tony (vo): Fun fact: this was actually the same actor who played Dr. Doom in Fant4stic.
Drake Stone (Toby Kebbell): My master disappeared when I was 15. Vanished! Left me with nothing but an encantus and some prescription-grade abandonment issues!
NC: I'm still taking him more seriously here.
Tony: Me, too.
NC (vo): Cage continues to train David, when...
(Becky turns up at the door)
Dave: We should go.
NC: Who's that?
Tony: The girl from earlier. (NC shakes his head as if saying, "Not ringing a bell") The Winter Soldier?
NC: Oh, right! Right. That was this movie?
Tony: That was this movie.
NC: I completely forgot.
Tony: Eh, we all did.
Tony (vo): 25 minutes offscreen, we're reintroduced to "Bucky Barnes"...
NC: Just call her "Winter Soldier". It's the only way I'll remember her.
Tony: Sounds good.
Tony (vo): ...and we're supposed to just pick up where their non-existent chemistry left off.
Dave: I think you'd better step into my cage.
Tony: (as Dave) It might be a little crowded inside him, but there's always room for one more voice in his head.
NC (vo): He shows how the electric coils, when positioned right, can actually make musical sounds.
(Dave and Becky go inside a cage, and Dave makes the Tesla coils around the cage play the song "Secrets" by OneRepublic)
Dave: The coils are firing at such a high frequency that...the sparks literally create soundwaves as they fly through the air, which is... nerdy! (Becky laughs) I'm...sappy.
NC: You know, he really is the poor man's Andrew Garfield.
Tony: Andrew Heathcliff?
NC: Ooh, very good.
(At the university, Dave goes to the restroom, but finds Drake in it)
Tony (vo): The next day, when he's going to the bathroom, he's accosted by Russell Off-Brand.
Drake: Prime Merlinean, eh? You don't look like much.
NC (vo; as Dave): Uh, I'm sorry, miss, this is the men's room.
(Drake grabs Dave by the throat and lifts him up)
NC (vo): But Cage comes to save him from both Molina and Borat Zoolander.
NC: To be fair, he does use probably the film's best sound effect.
(When Balthazar first appears in the restroom, he snaps fingers which make a "falling drop" sound effect, and Drake is sent flying into the toilet cabin)
NC: Why does that insanity work and none of the other madness does?
Tony: Don't worry, it's followed by a stupid line.
Balthazar: What are you doing here, Dave?
Tony: (as Dave) Working on my master's thesis. What do you think I'm doing in the bathroom?!
NC (vo): Well, that exposition in the opening was so much fun. Let's literally have it told to us again! Yeah, I'm not even kidding: everything that was said to us in the intro was repeated back to us pretty much for no reason. Watch!
(Balthazar tells Dave about the origins of Merlin's apprentices and Morgana le Fay while also showing him the illustrations in the magic book)
Balthazar: Morgana. She was making preparations for something that would enable her to enslave mankind. Merlin had three apprentices. I was one of them.
(Brief cut to a clip from Ghostbusters II, with Janosz Poha talking to Vigo the Carpathian's living painting)
Janosz: You've told me this. I've heard all of this.
(Back to Sorcerer's Apprentice)
Balthazar: ...until we found the sorcerer who would inherit his power.
Tony: In all fairness, did you even listen in the beginning?
NC: No. 'Cause I'm sick of listening in general. I'm tired of people and movies taking advantage of me!
(The phone rings again, and NC, of course, answers the call)
Voice: (on the phone) Mmm-hmm.
NC: This is world-renowned director Stanley Kubrick?
Voice: (on the phone) Mmm-hmm!
NC: You've come back from the dead and are with Bill in the other room?
Voice: (on the phone) Mmm-hmm.
NC: You're gonna shoot the Nostalgia Critic movie on the set of the moon?!
Voice: (on the phone) Mmm-hmm.
NC: I'll be right there!
Voice: (on the phone) Mmm-hmm.
(NC happily rushes to the hallway to find...Bill (Malcolm) giving him a prank call)
Bill: (laughing) Mmm, hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm!
NC: (angry) OH!!
(Tony runs around NC, pointing at him and laughing along with Bill. The latter goes to the exit, still laughing, and the caption "Bill." appears on the bottom right, pretty much for no reason. We're back to the film)
Tony (vo): Speaking of bad jokes, take a look at this fascinatingly botched Star Wars homage.
(Horvath hypnotizes the clerk with his staff to get to the university)
Horvath: You don't need to see my faculty identification card.
NYU Clerk: I don't need your faculty identification card.
Drake: "These are not the droids you're looking for." (He laughs, and Horvath rolls his eyes at this)
Tony: The lesson, kids, is if you can't be bothered to think of something original, just steal something and admit you're stealing it! That's the same thing as actual creativity, kinda.
NC (vo): After we see the dog presumably piss on a Fantasia DVD, Dave realizes he has to get the place cleaned for his girlfriend.
(NC and Tony shrug)
Tony: This is the plot now.
(With his ring, Dave makes all the cleaning objects in the room come to life and do their jobs)
Tony (vo): And, as you'd imagine, a mere 62 minutes into this Sorcerer's Apprentice remake, they finally remake The Sorcerer's Apprentice...poorly!
NC: Suck-tastic, as how I would put it.
(The screenshots of the Mickey Mouse segment in Fantasia are shown at various points to show the contrast between this and the live-action movie's homage to it)
Tony (vo): In Fantasia, the brooms went out of control because Mickey was off daydreaming. And not just any daydream: he was dreaming about being a god, controlling the cosmos, altering the fabric of reality to suit his every whim...
Tony: Kinda like the real Mickey Mouse, come to think of it.
Tony (vo): What is Dave off doing while this Flubber dance is going on? Showering and brushing his tongue. Whimsical.
NC (vo): Yeah, it's a little ironic that Mickey used magic to be lazy with his chores, while Dave is using chores to be lazy with his magic.
(Dave comes back to see all the mops and cleaning objects flooding the entire room)
Dave: I command you to stop!
(Every object stops and turns to Dave)
Tony: Wow, that line read was so bad, it stopped the whole movie.
Tony (vo): Even that spray bottle is like, "I'm Windex, and I could have read that line better."
(Dave puts his red hood on, takes one of the mops, grabs an axe nearby and starts attempting to hit the broom with it while the shadow of him is displayed on the wall)
NC: Oh, look! The shadow of him with the axe! They're so similar, I can barely tell the difference!
Tony: Even that isn't done right!
(We briefly cut to the clip of Mickey from the Fantasia running offscreen to smash the hell out of the broom, with the wall colors flashing red and white)
Tony (vo): In the original, it was intense, like a friggin' horror film! He just wails on that thing until there's nothing left! Here, it's just slow, random and dull.
(The scene from the 2010 movie is replayed, but now showing the mop dodging Dave's blows)
NC: So the Mickey Mouse cartoon is actually more intense than the Nicolas Cage movie?
Tony: What is world?
(Balthazar comes up and makes all the water disappear and the objects lifeless)
NC (vo): Cage comes to save the day, making us realize if you cut the Sorcerer's Apprentice scene out of The Sorcerer's Apprentice, absolutely nothing would be lost from the story. But, look! He (Dave) has something pointy on his head. Authentic!
Tony: This whole scene is like when a little kid retells a joke he heard without understanding what made it funny!
(Cut to a scene from before)
(Dave goes on top of the Chrysler Building, and Becky joins him)
Tony (vo): Dave sends the Winter Soldier away, but for some reason, she is in no way bothered by this.
Becky: Did you really think that one botched date was going to make me hate you forever?
NC: You can just replace all her dialogue with (speaks monotone) "Support, support, support".
Tony: Originally, this was her stand-in. (A box from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles NES game showing April O'Neil saying "You have my support." is shown)
Dave: Are you afraid of heights?
Becky: A little bit.
Dave: Trust me. Come on.
(Becky sighs in awe upon seeing the view of the city)
NC: (as Dave) No, I mean, I didn't know I could piss myself eight times simultaneously!
Becky: Do you remember when you drew King Kong on the bus window, and he lined up with the Empire State Building? You saw the world in your own way.
Tony: (as Becky) I am...trying to find some reason to be attracted to you.
(Horvath appears and "nails" Balthazar to a giant fan)
NC (vo): But Molina ambushes Cage and takes the doll from him.
(Just as Drake is about to take the Grimhold, Horvath makes it fly into his hands)
Horvath: It's lighter than I remember.
NC and Tony: (deadpan) So's the source material.
NC (vo): But Dave returns, and they chase down the villains to get the doll back.
(During the chase, Balthazar drives the car in the large mirror)
(The car then jumps right out of it like out of water, and the reality is now mirrored)
Dave: (almost monotone) Uh, uh, uh, what the heck is this?
NC: Is he turning into a Mars Attacks martian?
Dave: Uh, uh, uh...
(Cut to a clip from Mars Attacks!)
Martian: Ack, ack, ack, ack, rack-rack!
Tony (vo): The villains escape, and realize they need reinforcements to win, so they bring another friend to life to kidnap Dave's girlfriend.
(Abigail Williams, a brunette child witch with pale skin, appears at Becky's)
Abigail Willams (Nicole Ehinger): I said I'd like to make a request. (Her eyes turn red for a few seconds)
Tony: Okay, this might work.
NC: Yeah, new character, looks kinda creepy and badass, let's see what they do with her...
(Horvath sucks the magic out of Abigail, who is knocked out, with the staff, and steals her pendant)
Horvath: I need your power to free Morgana, I just don't...need...you.
NC and Tony: What the hell?!
NC (vo): We didn't even see how she kidnapped the girlfriend, or use any magic, or thrown anybody off!
Tony: Critic, Critic, Critic, they had to use that time for more important scenes.
NC: Like what?!
(The scene from earlier is shown again)
Dave: I command you to stop!
NC: Oh, yeah. 'Cause that got a big laugh!
(And then Tamara laughs once more offscreen)
NC: Oh, shut up!
(NC throws a bomb at her, but she again isn't hurt)
Tony (vo): Dave tries to get the doll back, while Molina watches on.
(As Dave is trying to get the Grimhold out of the fireplace, we cut to footage of Satipo (who was also played by Alfred Molina) from Raiders of the Lost Ark worrying and sighing in relief when Dave succeeds)
Horvath: (holding Becky by the throat) Come on, Dave. You know the drill: give me what I want, and I'll let her go.
(Cut to NC holding Tony by his throat. Tony is understandably scared)
NC: (as Horvath, smiling) You've seen this done in a million movies, we're not very original, so this will be a million and one.
Tony: (whispers) Help.
NC: (as Horvath) Silence.
Horvath: You give me Merlin's ring and the Grimhold.
Satipo: (audio, dubbed over Horvath) Throw me the idol, I throw you the whip!
(Dave throws the Grimhold to Horvath)
NC (vo): He, of course, hands it over, and Cage realizes he has to take this on by himself.
Balthazar: No one knows how much time they have to be with the people that are the most important. Enjoy it.
NC (vo; as Balthazar): I have no idea what I'm talking about.
(Balthazar falls from the roof and flies away on his eagle. Cut to Bennet having a date night with his girlfriend and then receiving a phone call)
Bennet: Bad time, Dave.
NC (vo): Oh, wow. This film is just full of people I forgot were even in it!
Tony: I'm still waiting for them to cut back to the disgruntled army general, the Olympic gymnast fighting for the girl's affection, and the CGI giraffe voiced by Larry David.
NC: None of those were in this movie.
Tony: But for a moment, you thought they might be. (NC nods as if saying, "Yeah, you have a point")
(Cut to Dave talking to Becky in a car)
Dave: This is really dangerous.
Becky: I want to come with you.
Dave: You're sexy. (gets out)
NC and Tony: (confused) Huh?
NC (vo): We've had enough he has a voice as fragile as a Faberge egg, but couldn't you give him a slightly cool line?
Dave: You're sexy.
(In Battery Park, Horvath releases Morgana in Veronica's body out of the Grimhold)
NC (vo): So Morgana is released while still in Veronica's body, as she tries to raise all the dead sorcerers to destroy the world.
Morgana/Veronica (Monica Belucci): (speaks in two voices) I cannot raise the dead until the circle is complete.
Tony (vo): Man, that is a goal-centered woman. No "How long have I been out?", or "What happened over the centuries?", or "Has Disney bought everything by this point?".
(Balthazar arrives and battles Horvath)
Tony (vo): But Cage tries to stop them, and they have...well, there's only one way to put it: a wizard's duel.
(A clip from The Sword in the Stone is shown)
Madam Mim: No disappearing! (pinches Merlin's nose)
(Horvath makes a Charging Bull sculpture near the park come to life and, well, charge at Balthazar)
Tony (vo; as the Charging Bull): (in a Texan accent) Where the hell is that little girl statue?! I've got a score to settle!
(Balthazar takes cover behind a car)
Tony: You know, could we get more New York statues in on this? I want to see...
(Cut to photos of the statues of...)
Tony (vo): ...Vladimir Lenin, Eleanor Roosevelt and Balto fight to the death. Then we'll get the Statue of Liberty to rampage through the city to the tune of "Higher and Higher".
NC: This movie's stolen enough already.
Tony: Haven't you learned anything? It's not stealing if you admit that it's stealing. Just have Dave say, "Hey, that looks like Ghostbusters II". Problem solved!
(Tamara is heard laughing crazily yet again, and NC massages his forehead in frustration. Cut back to the movie: Horvath is defeated, and Dave arrives just in time to shield Balthazar and Veronica from Morgana, who is now out of Veronica's body, attacking them with a flame)
Tony (vo): Cage gets Morgana out, and, for no reason given, Dave can fight her without his ring, because...something-something ruby slippers.
(Dave faces off against Morgana)
NC (vo; as Morgana): (singing) I put a spell on yoooou, and now you're gooone!
Dave: But I'm not alone. I brought a little science with me.
(The living mop turns on the switch, and around Morgana, the Tesla coils made out of the lampposts and power lines are activated)
Tony (vo): Yep, the science of a mop that can move on its own power. SCIENCE RULES!
(Dave fires a plasma barrage at Morgana, destroying her for good)
NC: Well, I guess you could say the mop... (He and Tony take glasses off) cleaned up this mess.
(They put sunglasses on and stand up as the "YEEEEEEEEAHHH!!!" section from "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who is heard. In the movie: Dave runs to Balthazar, who was heavily injured in the battle and is dead)
Tony (vo): So Morgana is destroyed, and...oh, no. It looks like Cage is, too.
Dave: No, no, no, no. It's...not over. He can't...die. I just...not...not now.
(NC and Tony aren't surprised and put their hands on cheeks)
NC: Gee, I can't believe they killed off the main character in a Disney film.
Tony: Yeah, just like...
(A montage of pictures of various Disney characters who got killed/injured, but came back/revived near the end)
Tony (vo): ...Snow White, and Pinocchio, and Trusty, and Aurora, and Darby O'Gill, and Baloo, and Robin Hood, and Chief, and Gurgi, and Basil, and the Beast, and Iago, and Esmeralda, and Megara, and Giselle, and WALL-E, and Flynn, and Iron Man, and Ralph*, and Anna, and Baymax.
A small mistake: Ralph didn't receive this Disney type of death: he was ready to perform a heroic sacrifice by falling from great height in the volcano, but was saved by Vannelope at the last moment after he fell into there.
NC: Well, I, for one, am shocked.
Dave: That's not good enough.
(Dave tries to revive Balthazar by restarting his heart with plasma shocks)
Dave: (with tears in his eyes) You... You with all your stupid rules! (Clear!) And all those old man shoes. (Clear!) And your constantly saving me with that look in your eyes.
NC: You will believe you're...watching a movie.
(Balthazar is revived, Dave and Becky kiss and fly away on Balthazar's eagle)
Tony (vo): Of course, Cage comes back, and Dave is reunited with his totally useless girlfriend, and they fly the eagle to Isengard to rescue Gandalf.
(Balthazar and Veronica also kiss. The Looney Tunes theme comes up as the scene of Balthazar saying "Your hair is beautiful" in Cantonese is shown, before the image switches to Castor Troy from Face/Off shrugging as the "That's All Folks!" caption appears)
NC: And that was Nicolas Cage in The Sorcerer's Apprentice. (He looks at Tony for a moment) How is this not fun?!
(The footage from The Sorcerer's Apprentice is shown, as both NC and Tony give their final thoughts)
Tony (vo): One of the biggest creative risks of Walt Disney's career has been turned into one of the least creatively risky movies I've ever seen. The tired-ass "chosen one" story is beyond hackneyed, and it's not even done well! There's no feel to it. He (Dave) goes from incompetent to all-powerful at the end like an on/off switch.
NC (vo): Sometimes, there's kinda neat effects or kinda cool acting from Alfred Molina, but...that's as far as it gets. Just kinda cool.
Tony (vo): You know how most Disney/Bruckheimer movies are these insanely long two-and-a-half hour monstrosities? This feels like it was shot to be one of those, but then cut down to an hour and forty-five, so it still has the bloated structure of a long-ass movie, which makes it feel longer than it is. Not even Nicolas Cage as a friggin' sorcerer can make it interesting!
NC (vo): It sucks seeing Cage go from awesomely good to awesomely bad to just...bad.
(The posters for Pay the Ghost, The Runner, Rage and USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage are shown again)
NC (vo): And I can tell you, with him averaging six movies a year now, I am not falling for the Nicolas Cage hype train again. Maybe somewhere down the line, we'll get one of those kickass performances again...
NC: But until then, I am not being nearly as gullible!
(The phone rings again. NC glances at Tony, who just shrugs. He hesitantly answers the call)
Voice: (on the phone) Hey, it's Corey Taylor.
NC: (incredulously) Corey Taylor? The lead singer of Slipknot?
Corey: (on the phone) And Stone Sour, yeah.
Corey: (on the phone) Actually, that's it, exactly.
NC: (yells) Screw you, buddy, I'm smarter than you think!
(NC angrily hangs up the phone and crosses his arms. Tony pats him on the back)
Tony: I'm proud of you, man.
NC: (quietly, smiling) Thank you.
(However, it turns out NC truly is still gullible, as in the other room, we actually DO see Corey Taylor, the lead singer of Slipknot, on the phone! Joining him are, in fact, Chester A. Bum (Doug), Hyper Fangirl (Tamara), Rob Scallon with his guitar, Black Willy Wonka (Malcolm), and Corey's son Griff. Corey puts down his phone)
Corey: He said no.
HFG: Oh, that's a shame.
Rob Scallon: At least we tried.
Black Willy Wonka: Oh, well.
Corey: I guess we'll go on tour without him.
(The entire group leaves the room, as we hear the musical notes of "Turkey in the Straw" of an ice cream truck off-screen. The credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline - Dave: Uh, uh, uh, what the heck is this?