And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Social Network."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
(mimics typing) Will you accept my spoilers!?
There's this college girl who breaks up with this college boy.
And he...goes and creates Facebook.
CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
...Okay, okay, that's not the entire story, but it sort of is.
This girl breaks up with this boy and he's like, "That reminds me. I should be a billionaire!"
So he makes this website where you compare which girls are hotter.
And it totally crashes the Harvard computer system!
I crashed the Harvard computer system once!
With my Prius!
So, these two Harvard guys see what he did.
And they're like, "I say, I like what you did, don't you?"
"Yes! So we would like you to put together a website for us!"
And the Facebook guy is like, "Okay, but do you mind if I steal it and make billions of dollars off of it?"
"Certainly! That'd be-- Wait..."
(mimics pressing button) Click.
"Oh noooo! Nooooo!"
So the Facebook guy goes up to his old girlfriend and says, "I'm famous. You want me?"
"Fine! I don't want you anyway!" *Storms off, then comes back* "Do you want me now?"
"Fine! Ageh... Fine!" *storms off*
(rolls eyes) Bitch.
So, he has this best friend, who's giving him lots of money.
And the friend is like, "I give you all this money as long as you say you promise not to screw me."
"Very well. You promise not to screw me."
"Why, thank you so much-- Wait..."
(mimics pressing button) Click.
So the Facebook guy comes across the person who founded Napster.
And the Napster guy is like, "I changed everything. I revolutionized the Internet!"
And I was like, "Yeah, but now musicians, lawyers and copywright Nazis are on our asses."
"Well, I told you I changed everything!"
So the Napster guy has a wonderful idea!
(counts off fingers) "Make lots of money, screw your best friend, and makes lots of money."
"What was that last part?"
(Grins, accompanied with a "cha-ching!" sound)
So he takes away all the best friend's stocks and makes tons and tons of money!
(counts off fingers) So it's just the Facebook guy and the Napster guy.
But then the Napster guy is like, "There's just one tiny little problem with me."
"Yeah? What's that?"
"I'm high as a kite!" (Jumps around in superspeed motion making Daffy Duck sounds)
So the Napster guy gets arrested for... (Jumps around in superspeed motion making Daffy Duck sounds) ...that.
The best friend is like, "I'm suing your ass!"
And then the Harvard guys are like, "I agree. We should sue his ass."
But by the end, the Facebook guy sticks to his ethics and...gives them a ton of money.
(puts up fist) Booyah?
But in the end it doesn't matter because the Facebook guy is the world's youngest billionaire.
And yet spends most of his time...seeing if his ex-girlfriend will accept him on Facebook.
...What a loser!
Though, I guess I shouldn't talk.
I Facebook my ex-girlfriend every day!
That is, I slam my face into a book hoping it'll get her attention.
It does not.
So "The Social Network" is a really, really good movie.
In fact, it sorta gives me an idea.
I should sue the Facebook guy!
You know how people on Facebook have like thousands of friends that they never see?
I was doing that years before they did!
In fact, here's one of them right now! (Holds out arm as if wrapping it around someone's shoulders)
Hello Vanessa! How are those rabies I gave you? (Is punched out)
C'est la vie.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, at least accept my friend request! I promise my smell won't come through your computer!