The Smurfs 2

The Smurfs 2
Released	January 24, 2017
Running time	23:06
Previous review	Top 11 Worst Movie Sequels
Next Review	TBA
Link	http://channelawesome.com/the-smurfs-2-nostalgia-critic/

(We start off with the Sequel Month: The Sequel title card before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic, who's still upset at having to review these kind of movies; his head is on his hand)

NC: (flatly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (beat) Blue-related pun, I don't know. I just wanna get this review over with.

(Clips of the movie are shown)

NC (vo): After the, and I can't believe I'm saying this, smash hit Smurfs movie, it only figured to do a sequel with the exact same people. The downside is, it's lame, contrived, not funny, bad for kids, bad for adults, bad for anyone–

NC: Actually, let's make this easier. The upside is, it made a lot of money.

NC (vo): And, of course, that's what matters most, so they threw more money at the sequel to make more money back. The result, once again, is the not-pleasant bouquet of nausea under the guise of family entertainment.

NC: And seeing how the last time I did a crossover was with the Black Nerd, it only figures to extend him the same offer again. Hey, Black Nerd, how are you–

(We cut to Andre the Black Nerd's room, who is not speaking in his nasally nerd voice on the phone while eating almonds)

Andre: What up, homie? Hey, put me down for $200 on the Patriots losing, aight? Ain't no way their ass can cheat to victory this year. You know what I'm saying? (NC is quite confused at what he's seeing) When you gonna come back here with my bone, a'ight? I gots to get high. Man, (in his nerd voice) Black Nerd has to review a new Power Rangers movie trailer (normal voice) and I can't do that unless I get blazed as fuuuck. Hey, man, I'm-a have to call you back. There's a White Walker present. (he hangs up) Well, well, well, if it isn't the Nostalgia Bitch.

NC: Um, hi, Black Nerd. I was reviewing Smurfs 2 and was wondering–

Andre: Oh, I get it, I get it. You thought I was gonna leave beautiful sunny California to fly to yo' neck of the woods, in the dead o' winter, to talk about a damn Neil Patrick Harris Smurfs sequel wit' yo' punk ass?

NC: W-w-well, I don't know about my ass's punk qualities, but–

Andre: Here's what's wrong wit' you, man. You think this all there is to me, think I'm all just Smurfs and Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and Tiny Toon Adventures and shit?

NC: I-I-I don't know.

Andre: I'm a grown-ass man. And what about you? You sit around all day watching '80s and '90s kids TV shows and movies?

NC: (mumbling) I don't know.

Andre: That's real sad. I feel bad for you, Critic. Imma pray for you. Maybe the next time you do a charity shout-out, you should be shouting out to getting you a life. I ain't got time for this. I got an underground gambling ring to take care of. Not to mention all those hot Nintendo Switches that I'm-a sell on eBay... that fell off a truck. You ain't hear that from me. A'ight, man. Peace, loser! (stands up and leaves)

NC: Yeah, that's right, you better run!

(Andre comes right back!)

Andre: What'd you say, punk?!

NC: Nothing! Nothing!

Andre: Mm-hmm. Watch yourself. Oh, and by the way, (nerd voice) call me when you do a Smurfs: The Lost Village review. I'll be right there for you, Critic. I love you like a play cousin, I'm outie 5000! Chain Chomp Yomp! (normal) Ya punk-ass motherfucker!

NC: Well, I'll show him who's got a life. I'm reviewing Smurfs 2! (nods defiantly, then frowns as the realization sets in)

(The movie begins, with a book on Smurfology)

NC (vo): The film opens with Smurfology... Isn't that the church Tom Cruise belongs to?

Narrator: The evil wizard Gargamel was concocting a diabolical plan!

NC: (nodding) Definitely the same church.

NC (vo): ...as the narrator gives the backstory of how their only female, Smurfette, entered their group as a creation of Gargamel to infiltrate them.

Narrator: Papa saw the good in her. He turned her into a true blue Smurf.

NC (vo): Uh, what did he do to her in there? Is it the same treatment (a shot from Zelda II is shown, with the woman in the village telling Link, "Please let me help you. Come inside.") Link gets when he goes into that woman's house to regain life?

NC: 'Cause if so, this'll be more than a PG.

NC (vo): But it seems like she still may have a little bit of evil in her.

(Smurfette turns from blue to gray, which means she's evil again, and she encounters some Smurfs)

Clumsy (Alan Cumming): She's got a Dragon Wand!

(Smurfette shoots the Smurfs and laughs evilly along with Gargamel (played again by Hank Azaria) and Azrael the cat. But it was all a nightmare, and Smurfette wakes up in her bed)

NC (vo, as Smurfette): Oh, it was all just a bad movie.

Papa (Johnathan Winters): (enters the house) Smurfette, you okay?

NC (vo): (as Papa) I heard you from my peeking perch outside your window.

Papa: (comforting the crying Smurfette) There, there. Everything's going to be fine.

NC: (as Papa) Now, I'm sure you were gonna take a shower or something, so why don't you get to that?

(He suddenly shows to the camera he was holding the binoculars, and upon noticing that, he hides them in his jacket, smiling sheepishly; cut back to... Entertainment Tonight, where it is announced that Gargamel is a stage magician)

Nancy O'Dell: "Gargamania", the magical sensation that has captivated the nation...

NC (vo): The movie kindly reminds us that Entertainment Tonight is still on TV and that Gargamel uses what little magic he has left to become a famous magician. This displeases his bad Meow Mix commercial– I mean, pet cat.

(Azrael plays with a laser light dot on the floor, much to Gargamel's amusement; the light is being controlled by two Naughties of his creation, Vexy and Hackus)

Gargamel (Hank Azaria): That's it, get it. (laughs)

Vexy (Christina Ricci): Father's going to love this!

Hackus (JB Smoove): (snatching light away) Hackus wanna play!

NC (vo): These two characters are Vexy and Hackus, played by Christina Ricci and J.B. Smoove.

NC: I'm introducing them to you because the movie forgot.

NC (vo): We didn't see them made, we know nothing about them, we're just stuck with these two characters that never, ever got an introduction.

NC: (sighs, looks offscreen) Don't you hate it when that happens, Bill?

(The camera focuses on Bill, a man wearing sunglasses, a pretty colorful suit and a hat, played by Malcolm)

Bill: Mm-hmmmm.

NC: (scoffs) That is so Bill.

NC (vo): But there's big trouble brewing down a Smurf Village, life Smurfette thinks everyone forgot her birthday, when really there's a surprise party being planned!

NC: (hits the table, fake anger) Shit's getting real!

Farmer (Joel McCrary): (to Smurfette) Occasionally, it's good to have a little... (clears throat) alone time.

Grouchy (George Lopez): Yeah, so take a hike.

Brainy (Fred Armisen): Yeah, we don't need you here, we're good.

Smurfette (Katy Perry): (crying) So no one remembered my birthday?

NC (vo): Okay, there's, like, a billion of you. And nobody invented Facebook yet. I think this would be quite common. Also, you nearly wiped out their village. You're lucky they didn't burn you like a Kentucky-fried Joan of Arc, and you're bitching that they forgot your birthday?! If blue privilege was a thing, you'd be the (picture of 1971's...) Violet Beauregarde of it!

(We're back to New York, where we're shown Patrick and Grace Winslow celebrating their son's 4th birthday)

The Winslows: (singing) Happy Birthday, dear Blue...

NC (vo): Speaking of blue, that's the cruel name given by parents Neil Patrick Harris and Jayma Mays, celebrating his birthday with the arrival of Harris' stepdad. But Harris hates him, because he's...reasonably nice?

Victor (Brendan Gleeson): And you must all be his friends. Which makes you...my friends! You're all getting hugs. (hugs a male guest)

Guest: Hey!

Patrick (Neil Patrick Harris): (to Grace, quietly) You'll want him to leave. Just wait.

(Victor gives Patrick a big hug and shakes him up and down)

Patrick: I...don't...like...this...at...all!

Victor: Ah, there's nothing like the embrace of two proud Doyle men.

Patrick: I am not a Doyle man.

NC: (as Victor) No, you're the rough draft of Niles Crane. Regardless, we have to hate each other for some reason, and... (gets confused as he sees Victor showing a bunch of presents for Blue, normal voice) I...still don't really see a reason.

Victor: I'm going to present each and every one of you with a free corndog!

NC (vo): (fake horror) Oh, no. He accidentally gave someone allergic to peanuts a peanut product! Okay, now he's a bastard. We sympathize with Harris.

Patrick: (to Grace) He shows up, and he ruins things. That's what he does.

NC: (as Patrick) You hand out treats, hugs and compliments in HELL, where they belong!

(Cut back to Gargamel, who's using the Sony tablet to watch the drawings for his next plan)

NC (vo): So Gargamel says he wants to kidnap Smurfette to figure out how he can make blue Smurfs, so he can steal their magical essence to take over the world.

Gargamel: And then, the entire world shall bow before me!

NC (vo): Huh. That seemed kind of a leap there. It...It used to be (two screenshots from The Smurfs 1981 series and a shot from the first movie are shown) he wanted to eat them, then he wanted to turn them into gold, then he wanted to increase his magic, now he wants to conquer the world. Jesus, he's gonna run out of things he wants to do soon!

Gargamel: The entire world shall bow before me!

NC: (as Gargamel) And after that, I'll... take up skydiving. I don't know, I'm just making this up as I go.

NC (vo): So he opens the doorway to Smurf Village, through – I bet you've never seen this – a portal in the sky...

NC: I've literally done so many of these jokes I have a punch-card for a free sub. (he takes out one; just after that, someone gives him a submarine sandwich) Oh, thank you. (opens mouth to eat it)

NC (vo): ...and he sends Vexy to kidnap Smurfette.

(Vexy travels to the Smurf Village through the aforementioned portal, and after throwing Smurfette through it, she sees some other Smurfs running to the creek)

Clumsy: Smurfette!

Vexy: So long! Meeeeeh! (and she jumps into the closing portal)

NC (vo): Another sign of high-paid writing there.

NC: (as the writer, typing on his Apple tablet) "And then she says, 'So long!.. (stops for a moment to "think") Meeeeeh!' (smiles and nods) Heh-heh-heh. Not bad for someone who just learned how to talk!

Brainy: My powers of deduction lead me to believe that this is the work of Gargamel.

NC: Yeah. Who else would it be? You've shown no other characters or parts of your world.

NC (vo): So, while Papa assembles a team to go and save her, Harris is dealing with real troubles of his own. Like, his stepdad wants to put a crown on the birthday boy. I j– p– WHAT?!

Patrick: You didn't bring the crown. Don't put the crown on him.

(Victor puts on a cardboard crown, and then he puts the other crown on Blue. Blue blows a raspberry on the toy Victor gave to him)

Victor: This is the way you do it, look.

(Victor blows a louder raspberry. Exasperated, Patrick closes the door and talks to Grace)

Patrick: You see what is going on out there? Oh, yeah, he's a terrific role model.

NC: (hits the table again) Well, this is unexcusable. What kind of monster would do such a thing?!

(Suddenly, Tamara enters the room. She looks she had just finished crying)

NC: Hey, Tamara, what's wrong with you?

Tamara: Uh, well, after being estranged from my drunk, abusive grandpa for years, he calls me up today and tells me that, even at birth, he didn't consider me part of the family.

NC: Oh, come on. That's nothing! This grandparent gave his grandchild a paper hat!

(Tamara drops her jaw in puzzlement, and she has a clear "WTF?!" look on her face)

NC: A paper hat!

(She doesn't flinch. NC silently and raises his hat expecting a hi five. He turns back to the camera)

NC: So we also find out that he–

(He turns to his palm again, moves it away, but Tamara is still having the same look. However, NC continues to speak)

NC (vo): ...He also gave away Harris' bird when he was younger, because the stepdad was allergic.

Patrick: When my dad took off, he left Zeus and...I loved that bird.

NC: All the more reason to have the bastard. Worst authority figure ever!

(His hand's still up, expecting his five from Tamara)

NC (vo): But a portal opens up and the Smurfs return to take credibility away from Harris once more.

(Victor gets closer to where one of the Smurfs hid until he gets jumped at by a corn dog puppet, scaring him. The caption "WELCOME TO HELL" appears)

NC (vo): Welcome to Hell! This is exactly what awaits you in the fiery pit. It's just this on a non-stop loop.

(Victor and Clumsy scream at each other until Grouchy in the corn dog puppet runs into Clumsy)

Grouchy: Clumsy, is that you? I'm blind!

NC (vo): Oh who am I kidding? Any part of this movie would be playing in Hell.

Patrick: What are you guys doing here?

Clumsy: Smurfette's been taken.

Grace: Wait, what?

Patrick: Take--what do you mean taken?

NC (vo): What other way can you interpret that? (Poster of Taken) She got cast in a Liam Neeson movie. What do you mean what do you mean?

Grace: I'll call the dog sitter, you get Blue's passport.

NC (vo): So Harris and his family agree to help them by going to France to find out where Gargamel's performing and...

(NC still hasn't gotten his five from Tamara)

NC: Bill!

Tamara: Bill, I didn't know you were here!

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Tamara: God, seeing you here again makes me realize I should forgive him for the bad things he said.

Bill: Mm.

Tamara: Thank you, Bill.

Bill: Mm-hmm.

Tamara: I'm so glad we had this detailed history together.

Bill: Mm-hmm.

(The two of them walk out)

NC: God, that is so Bill.