The Smurfs 2
January 24, 2017
"Just when you thought you couldn't feel more blue, the Smurfs return to force their horrors down our throats. Nostalgia Critic takes a look at, The Smurfs 2."
- Video Description
(We start off with the Sequel Month: The Sequel title card before cutting to the Nostalgia Critic, who's still upset at having to review these kind of movies; his head is on his hand)
NC: (flatly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (beat) Blue-related pun, I don't know. I just wanna get this review over with.
(Clips of the movie are shown)
NC (vo): After the, and I can't believe I'm saying this, smash-hit Smurfs movie, it only figured to do a sequel with the exact same people. The downside is, it's lame, contrived, not funny, bad for kids, bad for adults, bad for anyone–
NC: Actually, let's make this easier. The upside is, it made a lot of money.
NC (vo): And, of course, that's what matters most, so they threw more money at the sequel to make more money back. The result, once again, is the not-pleasant bouquet of nausea under the guise of family entertainment.
NC: And seeing how the last time I did a crossover was with the Black Nerd, it only figures to extend him the same offer again. Hey, Black Nerd, how are you–
(We cut to Andre the Black Nerd's room, who is not speaking in his nasally nerd voice on the phone while eating almonds)
Andre: What up, homie? Hey, put me down for $200 on the Patriots losing, a'ight? Ain't no way their ass can cheat to victory this year. You know what I'm saying? (NC is quite confused at what he's seeing) When you gonna come back here with my bong, a'ight? I gots to get high. Man, (in his nerd voice) Black Nerd has to review a new Power Rangers movie trailer (normal voice) and I can't do that unless I get blazed as fuuuck. Hey, man, I'm-a have to call you back, there's a White Walker present. (he hangs up) Well, well, well, if it isn't the Nostalgia Bitch.
NC: Um, hi, Black Nerd. I was reviewing Smurfs 2 and was wondering–
Andre: Oh, I get it, I get it. You thought I was gonna leave beautiful sunny California to fly to yo' neck of the woods, in the dead o' winter, to talk about a damn Neil Patrick Harris Smurfs sequel wit' yo' punk ass?
NC: W-w-well, I don't know about my ass' punk qualities, but–
Andre: Here's what's wrong wit' you, man: you think this all there is to me, think I'm all just Smurfs and Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers and Tiny Toon Adventures and shit?
NC: (feeling guilty) I-I-I don't know.
Andre: I'm a grown-ass man. And what about you? You sit around all day watching '80s and '90s kids TV shows and movies?
NC: (mumbling) I don't know.
Andre: That's real sad. I feel bad for you, Critic. I'm-a pray for you. Maybe the next time you do a charity shout-out, you should be shouting out to getting you a life. I ain't got time for this. I got an underground gambling ring to take care of. Not to mention all those hot Nintendo Switches that I'm-a sell on eBay... that fell off a truck. You ain't hear that from me. A'ight, man. Peace, loser! (stands up and leaves)
NC: Yeah, that's right, you better run!
(Andre comes right back!)
Andre: What you say, punk?!
NC: Nothing! Nothing!
Andre: Mm-hmm. Watch yourself. Oh, and by the way, (nerd voice) call me when you do a Smurfs: The Lost Village review. I'll be right there for you, Critic. I love you like a play cousin, I'm outie 5000! Chain Chomp Yomp! (normal) Ya punk-ass motherfucker!
NC: Well, I'll show him who's got a life. I'm reviewing Smurfs 2! (nods defiantly, then frowns as the realization sets in)
(The movie begins, with a book on Smurfology)
NC (vo): The film opens with Smurfology... Isn't that the church Tom Cruise belongs to?
Narrator (Tom Kane): The evil wizard Gargamel was concocting a diabolical plan!
NC: (nodding) Definitely the same church.
NC (vo): ...as the narrator gives the backstory of how their only female, Smurfette, entered their group as a creation of Gargamel to infiltrate them.
Narrator: Papa saw the good in her. He turned her into a true blue Smurf.
NC (vo): Uh, what did he do to her in there? Is it the same treatment (a shot from Zelda II is shown, with the woman in the village telling Link, "Please let me help you. Come inside.") Link gets when he goes into that woman's house to regain life?
NC: 'Cause if so, this'll be more than a PG.
NC (vo): But it seems like she still may have a little bit of evil in her.
(Smurfette turns from blue to gray, which means she's evil again, and she encounters some Smurfs)
Clumsy (Anton Yelchin): She's got a Dragon Wand!
(Smurfette shoots the Smurfs and laughs evilly along with Gargamel and Azrael the cat. But it was all a nightmare, and Smurfette wakes up in her bed)
NC (vo, as Smurfette): Oh, it was all just a bad movie.
Papa (Jonathan Winters): (enters the house) Smurfette, you okay?
NC (vo): (as Papa) I heard you from my peeking perch outside your window.
Papa: (comforting the crying Smurfette) There, there. Everything's going to be fine.
NC: (as Papa) Now, I'm sure you were gonna take a shower or something, so why don't you get to that?
(He suddenly shows to the camera he was holding the binoculars, and upon noticing that, he hides them in his jacket, smiling sheepishly; cut back to... Entertainment Tonight, where it is announced that Gargamel is a stage magician)
Nancy O'Dell: "Gargamania", the magical sensation that has captivated the nation...
NC (vo): The movie kindly reminds us that Entertainment Tonight is still on TV and that Gargamel uses what little magic he has left to become a famous magician. This displeases his bad Meow Mix commercial– I mean, pet cat.
(Azrael plays with a laser light dot on the floor, much to Gargamel's amusement; the light is being controlled by two Naughties of his creation, Vexy and Hackus)
Gargamel (Hank Azaria): That's it, get it. (laughs)
Vexy (Christina Ricci): Father's going to love this!
Hackus (J.B. Smoove): (snatching light away) Hackus wanna play!
NC (vo): These two characters are Vexy and Hackus, played by Christina Ricci and J.B. Smoove.
NC: I'm introducing them to you because the movie forgot.
NC (vo): We didn't see them made, we know nothing about them, we're just stuck with these two characters that never, ever got an introduction.
NC: (sighs, looks offscreen) Don't you hate it when that happens, Bill?
Bill: (nods) Mm-hmmmm.
NC: (scoffs) That is so Bill.
NC (vo): But there's big trouble brewing down a Smurf Village, like Smurfette thinks everyone forgot her birthday, when really, there's a surprise party being planned!
NC: (hits the table, fake anger) Shit's getting real!
Farmer (Joel McCrary): (to Smurfette) Occasionally, it's good to have a little... (clears throat) alone time.
Grouchy (George Lopez): Yeah, so take a hike.
Brainy (Fred Armisen): Yeah, we don't need you here, we're good.
Smurfette (Katy Perry): (at the verge of tears) So no one remembered my birthday?
NC (vo): Okay, there's, like, a billion of you. And nobody invented Facebook yet. I think this would be quite common. Also, you nearly wiped out their village. You're lucky they didn't burn you like a Kentucky-fried Joan of Arc, and you're bitching that they forgot your birthday?! If blue privilege was a thing, you'd be the (picture of 1971's...) Violet Beauregarde of it!
(We're back to New York, where we're shown Patrick and Grace Winslow celebrating their son's 4th birthday)
The Winslows: (singing) Happy Birthday, dear Blue...
NC (vo): Speaking of blue, that's the cruel name given by parents Neil Patrick Harris and Jayma Mays, celebrating his birthday with the arrival of Harris' stepdad. But Harris hates him, because he's...reasonably nice?
Victor (Brendan Gleeson): And you must all be his friends. Which makes you...my friends! You're all getting hugs. (hugs a male guest)
Patrick (Neil Patrick Harris): (to Grace, quietly) You'll want him to leave. Just wait.
(Victor gives Patrick a big hug and shakes him up and down)
Victor: Ah, there's nothing like the embrace of two proud Doyle men.
Patrick: I am not a Doyle man.
NC: (as Victor) No, you're the rough draft of Niles Crane. Regardless, we have to hate each other for some reason, and... (gets confused as he sees Victor showing a bunch of presents for Blue, normal voice) I...still don't really see a reason.
Victor: I'm going to present each and every one of you with a free corndog!
(Suddenly, one of the kids who has eaten a corndog gets an allergic reaction)
NC (vo): (fake horror) Oh, no. He accidentally gave someone allergic to peanuts a peanut product! Okay, now he's a bastard. We sympathize with Harris.
Patrick: (to Grace) He shows up, and he ruins things. That's what he does.
NC: (as Patrick) You hand out treats, hugs, and compliments in HELL where they belong!
(Cut back to Gargamel, who's using the Sony tablet to watch the drawings for his next plan)
NC (vo): So Gargamel says he wants to kidnap Smurfette to figure out how he can make blue Smurfs, so he can steal their magical essence to take over the world.
Gargamel: And then, the entire world shall bow before me!
NC (vo): Huh. That seemed kind of a leap there. It...it used to be (two screenshots from The Smurfs 1981 series and a shot from the first movie are shown) he wanted to eat them, then he wanted to turn them into gold, then he wanted to increase his magic, now he wants to conquer the world. Jesus, he's gonna run out of things he wants to do soon!
Gargamel: The entire world shall bow before me!
NC: (as Gargamel) And after that, I'll... take up skydiving. I don't know, I'm just making this up as I go.
NC (vo): So he opens the doorway to Smurf Village, through – I bet you've never seen this – a portal in the sky...
NC: I've literally done so many of these jokes, I have a punch card for a free sub. (he takes out one; just after that, someone offscreen gives him a submarine sandwich) Oh, thank you. (opens mouth to eat it)
NC (vo): ...and he sends Vexy to kidnap Smurfette.
(Vexy travels to the Smurf Village through the aforementioned portal, and after throwing Smurfette through it, she sees some other Smurfs running to the creek)
Vexy: So long! Meeeeeh! (and she jumps into the closing portal)
NC (vo): Another sign of high-paid writing there.
NC: (as the writer, typing on his Apple tablet) "And then she says, 'So long!.. (stops for a moment to "think") Meeeeeh!' (smiles and nods) Heh-heh-heh. Not bad for someone who just learned how to talk!
Brainy: My powers of deduction lead me to believe that this is the work of Gargamel.
NC: Yeah. Who else would it be? You've shown no other characters or parts of your world.
NC (vo): So, while Papa assembles a team to go and save her, Harris is dealing with real troubles of his own. Like, his stepdad wants to put a crown on the birthday boy. I j– p– WHAT?!
Patrick: You didn't bring the crown. Don't put the crown on him.
(Victor puts on a cardboard crown, and then he puts the other crown on Blue. Blue blows a raspberry on the corndog puppet Victor gave to him)
Victor: This is the way you do it, look.
(Victor blows a louder raspberry. Exasperated, Patrick closes the door and talks to Grace)
Patrick: You see what is going on out there? Oh, yeah, he's a terrific role model.
NC: (hits the table again) Well, this is inexcusable. What kind of monster would do such a thing?!
(Suddenly, Tamara enters the room. She looks she had just finished crying)
NC: Hey, Tamara, what's wrong with you?
Tamara: Uh, well, after being estranged from my drunk, abusive grandpa for years, he calls me up today and tells me that, even at birth, he didn't consider me part of the family.
NC: Oh, come on. That's nothing! This grandparent gave his grandchild a paper hat!
(Tamara drops her jaw in puzzlement, and she has a clear "WTF?!" look on her face)
NC: A paper hat!
(She doesn't flinch. NC silently and slowly raises his palm to cover her face. He turns back to the camera)
NC: So we also find out that he–
(He turns to his palm again, moves it away, but Tamara is still having the same look. However, NC continues to speak)
NC (vo): ...He also gave away Harris' bird when he was younger, because the stepdad was allergic.
Patrick: When...my dad took off, he left Zeus, and...I loved that bird.
NC: Well, all the more reason to hate the bastard. Worst authority figure ever!
(He checks on Tamara again. Same reaction)
NC (vo): But a portal opens up, and the Smurfs return to take credibility away from Harris once more.
(Victor gets closer to where one of the Smurfs fell from the portal, until he gets jumped at by a corndog puppet, scaring him. The caption "WELCOME TO HELL" starts flashing)
NC (vo): Welcome to Hell! This is exactly what awaits you in the fiery pit. It's just this on a non-stop loop.
(Victor and Clumsy scream at each other, and Grouchy in the corndog puppet runs into Clumsy)
Grouchy: Clumsy, is that you? I'm blind!
NC (vo): Oh, who am I kidding? Any part of this movie would be playing in Hell.
Patrick: What are you guys doing here?
Clumsy: Smurfette's been taken.
Grace (Jayma Mays): Wait, what?
Patrick: Take...what do you mean, taken?
NC (vo): What other way can you interpret that? (The poster for Taken is shown) She got cast in a Liam Neeson movie. What do you mean "what do you mean"?!
Grace: (to Patrick) I'll call the dog-sitter, you get Blue's passport.
NC (vo): So Harris and his family agree to help them by going to France to find out where Gargamel's performing, and...
(NC turns to Tamara to uncover her face yet again. And...well, nothing's changed. NC gets fed up)
(Bill appears, and Tamara FINALLY snaps out of it)
Tamara: Bill, I didn't know you were here!
Tamara: God, seeing you again makes me realize I should forgive him for the bad things he said.
Tamara: Thank you, Bill.
Tamara: I'm so glad we have this detailed history together.
(The two of them walk out)
NC: God, that is so Bill!
NC (vo): Jayma tries to find out which room Gargamel is in, but the hotel won't let her. But she dresses up like Audrey Hepburn, so they will tell her.
Grace: (imitating Hepburn) No one wants to be on the...the...
Hotel employee: The fifth floor.
Grace: (turns away) Oh. (goes to the elevator)
NC (vo): I'm just astonished there's a Breakfast at Tiffany's homage and yet no Mickey Rooney dress-up. (A shot of I. Y. Yunioshi, the infamous Asian stereotype from that movie, is shown) Imagine how that would have gone!
NC: (after the beat) Oh, hell, no. I'm not doing a sketch on that; (points down) I wanna keep this channel!
(Patrick is secretly watching Gargamel's show near the entrance. Victor appears with Blue and taps on his stepson's shoulder)
Blue (Jacob Tremblay): (speaking in a typical baby voice) Hi, Daddy!
NC: Oh, yeah, I forgot. Blue's performance in this is... Well, he's a kid, so how do I put it lightly– He's the worst thing I've ever seen.
(More clips of Blue are shown)
NC (vo): After every moment, you'd swear he screams, (high-pitched) "Yay! I said a line!"
Blue: Hi, Daddy! / (seeing the Smurfs and pointing at them) Smurf, Smurf, Smurf! / (to Patrick) Daddy always loses. / Yeah!
Young Anakin: (to Padme) Are you an angel?
NC: Oh, sorry, that was Jake Lloyd. But it was hard to tell the difference, wasn't it?
NC (vo): Gargamel uses his magic to turn Harris' father into a duck and fling Harris around the room.
Blue: (looking up) Daddy's flying! Daddy's flying!
NC: (in the same baby voice as Blue) You're not acting! You're not acting!
(Gargamel tries to feed Patrick to Azrael, who's a giant now. Yes, this is happening)
Gargamel: Enough fooling around, yes? Open wide, Azrael!
NC (vo): No, no, throw the kid in there! That'll be more than worth the price of admission!
Victor: (from this point forward, as a duck) Put him down!
NC (vo, as Victor): Aflac, motherfucker!
(Victor flies into Gargamel, who loses control of his wand, and Patrick falls on the floor. Cut to a later scene of Patrick, Blue and Victor arguing in the street)
Victor: What are you so cross about?
Patrick: You always barge in and ruin everything! You're like a walking disaster!
NC (vo): (snickering) You know, I really hope someone was just channel-surfing and came across this scene... I would love for them to rationalize what's going on.
(NC is shown drinking ale from the bottle and channel-surfing at the same time, not looking at camera. After he finishes drinking, he stops pressing buttons on the remote and looks at "the TV")
Victor: Look me in the eyes and say that.
Patrick: I can't!
(NC freezes in shock and confusion, dropping the bottle on the floor)
NC (vo): And yes, by the way, a good chunk of this movie, we have to deal with the stepdad as a duck.
(Grace is surprised by seeing Victor in animal form, while Blue is obviously happy)
Blue: Grampa Vic-ster's a duck!
NC: Okay, I need to know if you fit in a blender!
NC (vo): What makes this scene even stranger is that he's got a little black stripe on his beak, so it looks like we're listening to Hitler duck! (Hitler's hat appears on Victor's head as he is talking) I do not want to listen to Hitler duck!
NC: No wonder the cartoon that preceded it was this.
(Cut to a clip from the Donald Duck cartoon, Der Fuehrer's Face, where the titular character is screwing the caps onto artillery shells in an assembly line and saluting to Hitler's portraits repeatedly)
Donald: Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler!
NC (vo): This, of course, just adds to Harris' anger of his stepdad.
(Victor is peeking from the corner and watching Patrick and Grace talking about him)
Patrick: I'm gonna strangle that duck. Vic's like a black cloud that follows me around.
Grace: He shows up.
Patrick: Yeah, whether you want him to or not.
Grace: A lot of fathers don't even do that.
Patrick: He's not my father.
NC: (as Patrick) Need I remind you, paper hats and being allergic to birds? DEVIL!
(Two Smurfs fall into Patrick's grocery bag, and the latter starts leaving)
Blue: Good luck, Daddy!
NC: Oh, my God! Every time that kid talks, cancer gets a little stronger! (A picture showing cancer cells standing out among the normal cells is shown)
NC (vo): But that doesn't stop his stepdad from coming anyway and getting caught by the chefs.
(The chef wearing headphones goes into kitchen with Victor in his hands, not hearing that the duck is talking)
Victor: Oh, yeah! It starts with the ducks! And soon, no one's safe!
NC (vo): Really? Duck Hitler just made that joke?
NC: What's next? Heil Flipper? The literal goose step? (An old postcard showing the three geese walking to Berlin is shown)
(Smurfette encounters Vexy and Hackus for the first time)
NC (vo): It looks like Smurfette is getting more friendly with Vexy, but, unfortunately, they already used their "I kissed a Smurf" joke in the last movie.
Vexy: I'm sorry Papa Smurf didn't come for you.
NC: And I'm sorry you were in That Darn Cat. (Note: he means the 1997 remake)
Vexy: Maybe your place is here...with us?
Smurfette: Yeah. Maybe it is.
NC (vo): Yes, after being here less than a day, and...most of that day being used to torture you, (The scene where Gargamel is torturing Smurfette tied to a chair is shown briefly) clearly, this is where you belong.
(Papa Smurf and his team are watching this conversation through the glass in the door)
Vanity (John Oliver): Why is she being nice to them?
Grouchy: She's just identifying with her captors.
Clumsy: No, she thinks we don't care anymore.
NC: (as Clumsy; hand on cheek) Maybe it had something to do with us acting like we didn't care anymore.
(The scene of Smurfette being rejected by her brothers at her birthday is shown again)
NC (vo): Yeah! If you knew her sensitivity was so great, like she clearly said here–
Smurfette: They know how tough my birthday can be.
NC (vo): –why would you be stupid enough to fake her out? Isn't that, like, half the day, telling someone how much you hate them and then, at the last minute, just saying, "Kidding! Love you."
(Back to the movie's current scene)
NC (vo): Hmm, then again, maybe that would work, seeing how she suddenly thinks Gargamel is a caring father, simply because he gives her a gift.
(And that gift is a Gargamel action figure and a "Authentic Mini-Wand", as the caption on the box says. Hackus takes the figure out of the box and plays with it)
Hackus: (laughing; bending Gargamel's figure up and down) Bow! Kneel!
NC: (snickers) Okay, I'm not gonna say anything... but I am gonna freeze-frame here.
(The scene stops on Hackus with eyes closed and Gargamel's figure bent down. The "Ta-da" sound effect is played. NC literally takes the frame and puts it down)
NC: Do as you will, Internet. It's The Smurfs, nobody will fault you.
NC (vo): Smurfette also seems to get her first taste of real power when Gargamel gives her a tiny magic wand.
Smurfette: How do you know I won't use it on you?
Gargamel: (nervous) Uh...well...be...because... Smurfette, I am...I am your father! Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
(NC just stares. Darth Vader walks into the room from his right and flips the double bird at the forced reference, and then leaves, all in total silence)
NC: Hmm. Well, at least he didn't do the–
(Vader jumps back)
Vader: (stock audio) NOOOOOO!! (NC puts his head on the hand in annoyance)
NC (vo): I have to admit, I do kinda like seeing her go a little sadistic, now that she can.
Smurfette: (smiling) Sing the La-La Song.
(Gargamel hesitates, and Smurfette shoots with her mini-wand around her creator)
Smurfette: Sing it!
Gargamel: (with reluctance) La, la, la-la, la, la... Egh...
(Smurfette shoots the bowl Azrael is hiding in, and the cat jumps into the air, with the bowl falling back on him when he lands)
Smurfette: (overdubbed by Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction) And you will know my name is the LORD, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!
NC (vo): She seems to enjoy doing evil...especially when it's inconsistent, like not breaking mirror glass, but breaking window glass...as the Smurfs are launched out while Harris saves his stepdad.
(As Patrick takes Victor away from the restaurant, more ducks fly out of it)
Victor: Take to the skies, lads! Free at last! FREE AT LAST!
Patrick: What are you, Martin Luther Wing?
(Vader comes back to flip the double bird at the movie again)
NC: But that wasn't Star Wars related.
Vader: It just feels good, okay?
(NC nods in understanding. Before leaving the room, Vader flips the bird for one last time)
NC (vo): Harris' dad catches the Smurfs just before he turns back into a human.
Patrick: Where's Smurfette?
Papa: Too late.
(Patrick gives Victor a look of disapproval)
Patrick: Nice going.
NC: (as Patrick) You are Satan's ANUS with Klansman mustard! How dare you save the Smurfs from a falling building?! (thinks for a moment; normal) Actually, I would hate him, too.
(We go to a commercial. After returning, we go to yet another scene of Patrick and Victor arguing)
NC (vo): So it's revealed that all of Harris' anger towards his stepdad was for nothing. Oh, not because Harris was being a total heartless dick! But because the bird that was taken away from him as a kid wasn't because the stepdad was allergic, but because Harris was allergic.
Victor: Your mother and I both knew that it'd break your heart to think the bird had to go away because of you. Sniff my feathers.
(He takes some feathers out of his suit, and Patrick sneezes)
Victor: Truth itches, doesn't it?
NC: Well...that changes what was obviously a legit reason to hate a parent.
NC (vo): Why, that's almost as dumb as hating your family (A scene of Smurfette thinking her family forgot about her birthday is shown briefly) because they forgot to throw you a birthday party!
(Cut to a scene from before, where Azrael hits his head against the floor repeatedly in anger. Victor starts to leave the house, but Blue unfortunately ruins the silence and turns to him)
Blue: Grampa Vic-ster?
(NC double facepalms at this)
NC: What do you think was the first take? I mean, if they always have to use the best take for the film...what do you think the other takes were?
(The following is NC's parody of the takes of Jacob Tremblay saying the single line in a Gilbert Gottfried-like voice. With each appearing take, the line gets more incoherent)
Take 3: GAMPA VIC-TER?
Take 12: GA-PA PI-PHE?
Take 26: SHEPHLESHIKEPLEUKEPEKEPA?
Take 39: KAH?! SHESAKHA?!
NC: (shrugs) You know, by take 43, I'd give up, too.
NC (vo): And because this film totally doesn't care that it wants the main theme to be "daddy issues", exactly like the last film, we once again have another balcony scene between Harris and Papa Smurf, EXACTLY the same as the first one!
Papa: I haven't done enough.
Patrick: Gargamel just made her, but you...you made her what she is. No one asked you to, you just did. That's a...pretty special...kind of love.
(After Papa leaves, Patrick looks at the night sky alone)
NC (vo, as Patrick): Oh, well, still hate my dad. Off to botch this movie so bad, they'll reboot it in a few years. (normal) But Gargamel finally shows his true colors and tells Smurfette that if she doesn't give the secret formula to changing the Smurfs blue, he'll let Vexy and Hackus die.
NC: ...Not seeing the downside here.
Smurfette: I'll give it to you. Just feed them!
Gargamel: The formula first.
(Smurfette starts writing with a quill)
Smurfette: One hopeful thought... A dab of royal jelly...
NC (vo, as Smurfette): Weapons-grade plutonium... (as Gargamel) What? (as Smurfette) A unicorn's urine... (as Gargamel) Oh, come on! (as Smurfette) A Smurfs movie with glowing reviews... (as Gargamel) Okay, now you're playing with me!
(After waking up, Vexy and Hackus turn from grey to blue)
NC (vo): The formula works, and he puts them in an evil machine to suck the life out of them to gain their essence. Hey! This might be a happy ending after all!
(Vanity and Papa come to rescue)
Vanity: There she is!
Smurfette: Papa? (She is released) Oh, Papa. I gave Gargamel the formula.
Vexy: But she saved our lives!
NC: (as Papa) So that's two stupid things you did. I so disown you!
NC (vo): But they all get captured, and soon Gargamel is taking all their essence away. Oh, what? No onions? (A scene from the previous movie with onion getting diced in front of captured Papa Smurf is shown briefly)
NC: I'm still not over that; what was that about?!
NC (vo): But Harris and his stepdad reunite and destroy the evil machine, resulting in...
(After Patrick and Victor break Gargamel's contraption, the blue explosions resembling fireworks burst out of the sewer into the streets)
NC (vo): ...eeeh, I'll give credit: a very pretty visual.
NC: Even shit can accidentally look beautiful sometimes. (A picture of feces covered with sprinkles is shown)
NC (vo): And the Smurfs are safe once again.
Vexy: (to Smurfette) Is this what "happy" feels like?
NC (vo): No...no, if it's in this film, it's not what "happy" feels like.
(Patrick and Victor finally share a sincere hug)
Blue: Daddy and Vic-ster!
(The "takes" gag is used one more time)
Take 47: DEHDEH PLEH PLESTER!
Take 63: HEKSHE FAHBLEHMLEH!
Take 127: PLAH!
NC: Yeah. Don't expect to be nominated for a Screen Actor's Award anytime soo–
(A poster for 2015 movie Room appears, with an arrow pointing to Jacob Tremblay's character and a caption "Same Kid Nominated for Screen Actor's Guild Award". NC is shocked, stunned and pleasantly surprised with this revelation)
NC: Th– th– they grow up so fast... (suddenly yells, pointing at camera) But that's what these Smurfs movies do!
(Clips of the movie are shown for the last time as NC goes to his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): They take great talent and use them at their worst. Neil Patrick Harris is super unlikeable in this, none of the actors are given any funny lines. Even Hank Azaria, whose voice is pretty funny and has good timing, still can't make any of this work! It's a bad follow-up to an already bad film. And I'm happy as hell it's the last one I ever have to watch for Sequel Month.
(We are shown the clip of Azrael bumping his head against the floor again)
NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and thank God it's finally over!
(He gets up and leaves the room...only to face Tamara and Bill just staring at him. NC rises his hand again, but Tamara slaps it midway through)
Tamara: You can't just do two sequels for Sequel Month!
NC: Oh, really?! Let me check my rule book that doesn't exist. (He forms a book with his palms) Hmm, hee, hmm, huh... Oh, yeah! (points with his right hand middle finger) Here it is, right under Article One. (And he brilliantly flips them off)
Tamara: Okay, the people deserve more, even if it goes beyond the month.
NC: Yeah? Well, they're not getting it.
Bill: (tilts his head) Mmmmmm?
NC: Oh, come on, Bill. Don't give me that look.
NC: Look, I know what you're insinuating! Especially after all we've been through!
NC: (gives up, sighs) Okay, fine! I'll do one more, only for you, Bill.
Bill: (satisfied) Mmm.
Tamara: (smiling) Isn't Bill wonderful?
NC: He is. I love you, Bill.
NC: (to the camera) After next week, there will be one more sequel review.
Tamara: Oh, which one?
NC: Oh, you'll see.
(He crosses his arms and nods, smiling. As the dramatic drums kick in and camera starts zooming, Tamara and Bill also nod. Cut back to NC still smiling and nodding. Then back to Tamara and Bill doing the same...only for Bill to show the paper with the title "Garfield 2" on it, with "2" having the striped tail)
NC: Okay, Bill, what the hell? I thought I knew you.
Bill: (shrugs) Mm-hmm.
(And we come to the credits)
Channel Awesome Tagline - Blue: Smurf, Smurf, Smurf!