September 1, 2015
(We start off with the usual opening for the Nostalgia Critic, then come to him entering the room with Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers)
NC: I told you, we just reviewed a Fantastic Four movie. I'm not doing another one.
Tamara: But it was so bad!
NC: I don't care!
Malcolm: They couldn't even spell it right! Fant4stic.
NC: I don't care!
Tamara: It got half a percent on Rotten Tomatoes.
NC: How the hell do you do that?
Malcolm: It found a way.
(NC opens up the closet and discovers the Black Nerd inside wearing a Raphael mask and wielding sais)
Tamara: Black Nerd?
Tamara: No, that one.
NC: What are you doing in the storage closet?
(NC flashes back to how that happened. The scene takes place with a blue filter, and with NC on the phone)
Voice: (whispered) Flashback!
NC: I don't care if the Nerd is a bigger star, my face should be bigger than his on the title card! (The doorbell rings) Come on, who's a bigger Ninja Turtle fan than me?
(At the door is Black Nerd)
BN: Hey, Critic. Heard you need a Ninja Turtles crossover with the Nerd.
NC: Yeah, sure, come on in. (He lets BN in) I don't care if I don't know anything about that one show. Or that one. Or that one! (He opens the closet door and leads BN in) Really, they made another one? I totally didn't know that. But nevertheless, I am the biggest fan, (He locks BN in the closet) and I deserve to be bigger on the title card. Everything about me is bigger than him! Including that! Don't ask how I know that!
(And we come back to the present)
Voice: (whispered) Flashforward!
Tamara: Wait, you've been in the storage closet that entire time?
BN: Eh, it's not so bad. I still made videos.
(The scene now takes place in night vision as he does his show in the closet)
BN: Hi, I'm Andre and I'm a black nerd. Today I'm gonna be reviewing boxes again. Yay, boxes. Which do you think is better? Cardboard or plastic? They both keep you alive if you ever need to eat them. Like I do. (He bites into a cardboard box) I'm so cold.
(We come back to the present and in NC's place is Peter Griffin from Family Guy)
Peter: You think that's bad, how about the time-- (NC pushes him off screen)
NC: Okay, enough of the cutaways!
BN: So are you finally ready to do the review?
Malcolm: Uh, we reviewed that a few months ago, didn't we?
NC: Yes, but seeing how I could be facing some serious criminal charges for this, let's go ahead and do the crossover anyway. It can be any movie you want.
NC: Any movie you want!
NC: Any movie you want!
NC: I'm sensing an Earth Girls Are Easy vibe from you.
Tamara: Fantastic 4 (2015)!
(NC knocks her out with a backhanded fist)
NC: Troll 2 it is. A little cliché, but I still think we can get some good material out of it.
BN: (on the phone) Hello, police! Nostalgia Critic kidnapped another black guy again!
Malcolm: It's true!
(NC knocks Malcolm out and takes BN's phone)
NC: Let's do fucking Smurfs.
(As they leave, Tamara and Malcolm get up)
Malcolm: Man, (Steve) Urkel did not age well.
BN: I heard that, Theo (Huxtable)!
(Clips of the original comic and TV show for the Smurfs are shown along with footage from the movie)
BN (vo): The Belgian comic turned into an American 80s cartoon has finally hit the big screen.
NC (vo): Well, technically the second time. (A poster for The Smurfs And The Magic Flute is shown. The arrow points to the tagline saying "It's the Smurfs ONE and ONLY full length motion picture...ever!") Fucking liars. Like most 80s cartoons, it banked more on selling merchandise rather than focusing on interesting stories.
BN: You take that back!
BN: (picking up the phone) Police?
(NC smacks his hand down)
NC: It was mostly harmless.
NC (vo): So much so that I'm not entirely sure how you could get that much of a movie out of it, at least without being super creative.
BN (vo): Well, that's exactly what they did. At first. Rumor has it Paramount originally owned the rights to the movie and were looking to make it sort of a comedic epic fantasy. Think (poster of) Lord of the Rings meets (poster of) (The) Princess Bride.
NC (vo): Well, that doesn't sound too bad--
BN (vo): Until Sony got the rights to the movie, saw (clip of) Alvin & The Chipmunks was a big hit, and said, "Hey, we can do that! Just make them blue!"
NC: So, wait, they're just ripping off that terrible Chipmunks movie?
NC: Oh, thank God.
(BN pulls out a bucket labeled "Smurfs Movie," putting in all the...ingredients that went into the movie)
BN: They're ripping off the Chipmunks movie, but they're also ripping off Enchanted! And Fat Albert! And Masters of the Universe! All that's missing...is the crowning turd! (In his hand is a turd with a crown on it and covered in glitter)
(BN tosses the turd into the bucket which explodes, making them duck for cover! Out of a cloud of purple smoke, laughter is heard)
NC: You fool! What have you done!?
(Coming out of the smoke is a purple dragon)
BN: Yes, my satanic fellow! Let the world see you for the abomination that you are!
(The dragon blows fire at them, as well as Smurfs merchandise)
Dragon: Would you like to buy some Smurf merchandise?
NC: Evil takes many forms.
BN: This is The Smurfs movie. (whispering) I'll take two.
(The movie starts)
NC (vo): We open with Narrator Smurf. (beat) No, really. There's a Smurf called Narrator Smurf.
BN (vo): At least they're not hiding their laziness.
NC (vo): As he talks about a place that knows no sadness. Well, clearly, it can't be in this movie.
Narrator Smurf: A place inhabited by little blue beings.
(Several Smurfs are showing flying on birds)
NC (vo): Oh, so it is an animated movie!
BN (vo): No. That CG is supposed to look as convincing as the human characters.
NC (vo): Really? They all look like (Picture of Mickey) Rocky's coach if he had methemoglobinemia.
(BN looks at NC weirdly)
NC: It's a thing! Read a book!
BN (vo): At first, everything seems to be part for the course. The Smurfs you recognize are all there, they all have names that match their one personality trait, and even the evil Gargamel, played by Hank Azaria, plots to catch them.
NC (vo): Ah, that evil entity who wants to destroy the Smurfs' essence in order to become disgustingly rich.
BN: Hey, I was talking about Gargamel, not Sony.
(NC and BN put their fingers on their mouths as an audience is heard going "Ooh!")
BN (vo): Actually, in this version, he wants the Smurfs' essence to increase his magic, not to make gold or eat them. And as you can see, he's not very good at it, as he spends most of his time playing with puppets rather than getting any real work done.
NC (vo): Hell, at least they look more real than the actual Smurfs.
Gargamel: Alakazoop! (Swings his wand, accidentally causing an explosion to happen that damages his lair. Gargamel is shown sitting on the ground, with his cat Azrael sitting on his head) My goodness, Azrael. You're a boy?
NC (vo): Well, any kid's film that opens with cat balls on a beloved character's head is certainly setting the bar pretty high.
BN (vo): Papa Smurf, voiced by Jonathan Winters, has a vision of all the Smurfs being destroyed because of a mistake Clumsy made, never realizing that maybe he made that mistake because he named him Clumsy.
Papa Smurf: Clumsy?
NC (vo): Yeah, it's like naming your daughter Prostitute. Are you really encouraging any great things labeling them that?
BN (vo): Actually, one of the stranger things is the people they got to play most of the Smurfs.
NC: Oh, come on! Celebrity voices are everywhere. Are you really surprised that people like Katy Perry and George Lopez are in this?
BN: For the main characters, no. But what if I told you that Pee-Wee Herman himself, Paul Reubens, was in this?
NC: What? Where?
BN: Right there!
(Paul Reubens' character, Jokey Smurf, is shown laughing, before jump-cutting to another scene)
BN (vo): And now he's gone!
NC: What? They called him in for just two lines?
BN: (Chuckles) He got the deluxe treatment. Half of these celebrities barely even got a word.
(Various more cameo appearances are shown, with an arrow pointing at the character the actor cameoed as)
BN (vo): That was Kenan Thompson!
NC (vo): What?
BN (vo): There went BJ Novak!
NC (vo): Huh?
BN (vo): Ooh, there's Jeff Foxworthy!
NC (vo): I didn't even hear--
BN (vo): There's Wolfgang Puck!
NC (vo): Why?!
BN (vo): Don't miss Joan Rivers!
NC (vo): They flew her in for this--?!
BN (vo): And, of course, John Oliver's one incredible line*.
(John Oliver's character, Vanity Smurf, is shown)
Vanity Smurf: Oh, marvelous!
NC: Please tell me he's there to do a report on how this movie is ruining America. (A photo from Last Week Tonight With John Oliver is shown with an image of the Smurfs with the caption "Smurf This!")
BN: I think it speaks for itself.
NC: You're right.
- (Editor's note: In the sequel, John Oliver's character actually has a bigger part)
NC (vo): So Gargamel finally figures out that the Smurfs have kept hidden because of an invisible force field--
BN (vo): Yes, we've gone from children's fantasy to Star Trek technology.
NC (vo): --But some of them stumble across a magic portal--Don't act like you haven't--where Gargamel has them trapped.
Gargamel: Looks like you got the short end of the stick, eh, Papa?
Papa Smurf: Not this time, Gargamel.
(Papa Smurf lets go of the stick he was holding onto as he and his band of Smurfs are sucked into the portal)
NC (vo): (as Papa Smurf) I'd much rather sacrifice my life than listen to your heinous performance!
(Gargamel dives into the portal, getting stuck halfway in)
BN (vo): Because it makes much more sense to chase six Smurfs as opposed to 94.
Smurfette: I don't think we're in Smurf Village anymore.
NC (vo): This leads them to where every fucking portal in family films leads to...
Both: New York City!
NC (vo): Preferably the very pretty and/or intimidating part.
(We see Neil Patrick Harris' character, Patrick Winslow)
Patrick Winslow: Oh, hey, can we get a photographer over there? There's an arrival happening. Thanks. Welcome.
NC (vo): Uh, why are we suddenly in an episode of How I Met Your Mother?
BN (vo): Oh, don't you know? This is Neil Patrick Harris' movie now.
NC: What? I thought this was about Smurfs!
BN: Well, Critic, like most sell-out adaptations, the title character rarely has anything to do with the title itself.
NC: So instead of being about little blue people...
BN: It's about...
BN (vo): ...an advertising VP coming to grips with becoming a father.
NC: So, we're in a romantic comedy that just happens to have Smurfs.
NC: That's like having a (picture of Holocaust survivors) (vo) Holocaust movie that suddenly decides it needs Fraggles. (A mock poster comes up with characters from Fraggle Rock called Mokey's Choice. Text in order from top to bottom: WTF Entertainment presents: Mokey's Choice."Warm, fuzzy, SHATTERING!" - Peter Travers, Rolling Stone. "ONE OF THIS YEAR'S MOVIES!" - People Magazine, USA Today, National Board of Review, LA Times, New Yorker, Harvard Lampoon.)
BN (vo): It comes out next week.
BN: I hear Oscar buzz.
(We come back to the Smurfs riding on top of a cab which has a Blue Man Group advertisement on it)
Papa Smurf: We rescue Clumsy and get back home. I need you all to stay close.
NC (vo): I know I should be making fun of the product placement, but honestly, I'm just thinking how much better this movie would be if Blue Man Group played the Smurfs.
BN (vo): But they wouldn't talk.
NC (vo): Exactly!
BN (vo): And just when you're wondering if watching a cat vomit would be more fun than watching this movie, the film decides to answer for you.
(Azrael coughs up a hairball)
NC: Infinitely more fun.
NC: It's like the Disney World of fun in this movie.
BN: (mock cheering) Cat vomit!
Gargamel: Tiny locks of Smurfette! Ohh sweet folicular ambrosia.
NC (vo): Am I the only one getting a bald (picture of) Moe Szyslak from an unfunny version of The Simpsons?
BN (vo): So The Simpsons now?
NC: Up high. (They high five each other)
Gargamel: Oh, I must find a laboratory. (Walking into a port-a-potty) This should do nicely! (He then comes right back out!) Somebody's been working a dark and terrible magic in there.
(BN is holding his head in pain from that joke)
NC: Is it even worth wasting a joke on that?
BN: No. Move on.
BN (vo): While he tries to figure out how to get the magic out of her hair, Neil Patrick Harris visits his pregnant beard while the Smurfs try to break in.
(We get a scene of Clumsy Smurf tripping around the bathroom)
NC (vo): And this part takes in what I'm noticing more and more in bad family films, especially in Raja Gosnell's films: movement porn.
BN: What, you're anti-movement?
NC: No, I'm anti-lazy movement. Movement that only exists just to hypnotize your kids rather than engage them.
(Scenes from Tom & Jerry are shown)
NC (vo): Engaging movement involves a lot of variety. Sharp stops, varying speeds, unexpected turns. This is what makes good visual storytelling. (Back to the movie) Here, everything is at the same speed, the same pacing and the same kind of movement. There's no variation, so there's nothing interesting about it. What's more engaging? (Clips of Super Mario Bros is shown, first with Mario running through the level, and backwards even) Watching Mario go one speed throughout the entire game? (The next video now has Mario taking his time on the level) Or having him stop, slow down, go backwards, stomp on things? (Back to the movie) This safe, boring and repetitive movement is the same as looking at a watch waving back and forth. (Said watch is added to the scene) They're both trying to hypnotize and relax you so that you don't think about what you're watching. And that's not what a movie is supposed to do. You're supposed to think about it. You're supposed to be sucked in. But this method is an ingenious way to numb your brains without feeling bored, so you think it must be doing something right, when really, it's just junk food for your mind. And it's all over the movie.
BN: Oh, I don't know. I don't think there's anything wrong with a constant source of movement.
(We cut to BN in his own show doing an episode. Almost every sentence involves a jump cut!)
BN: Hey, guys. As you probably noticed, there's a jump cut there! And there, and there! Some might say it's a fast paced way for me to save on memorizing lines. It is! Oo ba bo do be random thing. You know how hard this is to do this in one go?
Chester A. Bum: Do I?
BN: Chester? Is that why you do the fast editing?
Chester: Is that what that is? I thought I was just a wizard.
BN: You never questioned how you could do that?
Chester: When you're as high as I am, you learn not to question things.
Both: Wheeeee! (The word SUBSCRIBE appears on the bottom and both are pointing at it) Subscribe! Subscribe! Subscribe!
Chester: Are we a magazine?
BN: No, we're just supposed to say it.
Both: Subscribe! Subscribe!
(NC stares down BN)
BN: I'm a whore!
(And we go to commercial)
(And we come back)
BN (vo): The Smurfs spot talent, and decide to attack him.
(The Smurfs then jump at Patrick and tie him up)
NC (vo): (as Patrick) Honey, help! I think they are gonna do me in the Smurf!
Patrick: DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THEIR CUTENESS!
BN (vo): So he's told who the Smurfs are and, big surprise, he finds it all kinds of confusing.
Grace: How crazy is this? They're little blue people!
Patrick: So you're sticking with your "This is actually happening" theory?
NC: That's actually a legit question. I always had a theory that all of this movie was just a continuation of his (clip of) drug high from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. [Note: The clip is actually from Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay]
BN: No. Not even a drug person would go this far without squashing them! (After a bit of calming down) You wanna get high?
Patrick: Hear that, honey? They're only staying till an actual blue moon rises, which could happen if the little blue Santa man makes a magic potion, which at this point, seems completely plausible. (Suddenly one of the Smurfs bursts out of his creamer)
BN (vo): I don't think that was in the script. I think Harris was just clarifying how horribly written this movie is.
Patrick: And you're all named after your personalities? Do you get your names when you're born or after you've exhibited certain traits?
NC: Oh, I see. So Clumsy has the personality trait of being clumsy, Grouchy has the personality trait of being grouchy, and Smurfette has the personality trait of...girl. Girl, as we all know, girls just have one personality trait.
BN: Says so much about her.
Smurfette: What? You had one outfit on, and now you're wearing something completely different!
Papa Smurf: Now, Smurfette, she probably got the other one dirty.
NC (vo): I love how they're shocked that she can wear different clothes but not that...she's pregnant. Having only one female made from nothing, do you think they can even comprehend the idea of a pregnant woman?
BN (vo): Yeah, you'd think in this movie they'd go more into how Smurfs procreate.
NC (vo): I say wizard.
BN (vo): I say artificial Smurfination.
(Suddenly Cinema Snob appears holding a DVD case marked "Smurf Porn" on it)
CS: I have all the answers right here.
CS: Your loss. There's some mighty fine blue balls in here. I had to write on the cover, 'cause you're not ready yet to see a Smurf get Smurfed in the Smurf. Hehe. One of those Smurfs stands for anus.
(Back to the movie)
BN (vo): But like most of Harris' performance, he acts like he wants to get out of every scene as quickly as possible.
Patrick: I had a crazy morning--aaah!
Odile: What are you doing?
Patrick: Um, nothing. I'm just excited.
NC: (as Odile) So tell me, Patrick. Is that a Smurf in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Patrick: I need to hone my message here.
Gutsy Smurf: Ooh, how about "Grab life by the grapes?"
Brainy Smurf: "Have a Smurfy day." (I may have gotten that Smurf wrong)
Smurfette: "I kissed a Smurf and I liked it?"
NC and BN: Get it?!*
- (Katy Perry was the voice of Smurfette)
(The Smurfs start singing their theme)
Patrick: Stop! Come on, none of you find that song just the tiniest bit annoying?
Grouchy Smurf: I find it annoying.
(BN stifles a laugh at that joke)
NC: Did you just laugh at a Smurfs movie?
NC: Did you just laugh at a Smurfs movie!?
NC: Just remember, every time you laugh at a Smurfs movie, God kills a kitten! It's in the Bible!
(We get a gag page of Revelations 22:8: "If thou shall watcheth the Smurfs movie and laugheth, then I shall smite a kitten with every Smurf hating part of my being...and there is a LOT of Smurf hating parts in my being. Now, let's move on to why I've been so bipolar lately; I've been under a lot of stress. I mean TONS!")
BN: Huh. I don't know how I missed that.
NC: It's in the hardcover. It reads a little different than the softcover.
BN (vo): Gargamel uses a Smurf hair to make his magic better, (Scene where Sofia Vergara's mother is turned into a young woman plays briefly) catching the eye of Harris' boss, played by Sofia Vergara.
(At a restaurant, where Gargamel and Odile are eating at, a waiter passes by with a champagne bucket)
Gargamel: Thank the gods, a chamberpot!
(He then proceeds to fill it up with pee in front of everyone! BN and NC are horrified)
BN: Oh, my God!
NC: This is really happening, people!
BN: What do we do?
NC: Just look away!
BN: I can't! It's too awful!
NC: Just close your eyes and imagine one of your kindergarten favorites is not pissing into a bucket! (NC and BN shut their eyes) Is it working for you?
BN: Peyo is rolling in his grave!
NC: Me neither! (He pulls out a Neuralyzer from Men In Black) There's only one alternative! (He flashes the both of them, wiping away the horrible memory!) Aah! Great! That's so much better for some reason.
BN: Yeah, me, too. But I feel like we're missing part of the movie.
NC: (picking up the remote) Oh, you're right, you're right. Let's rewind that, see what we missed.
(They immediately regret that decision after coming back to that scene!)
BN: It burns!
BN (vo): The Smurfs end up in a toy store where, of course, all sorts of misunderstandings take place.
(Grouchy Smurf's talking to a Green M&M pillow)
Grouchy Smurf: I'm just tired of the whole dating game. Just say who you are and be who you say.
NC (vo): Okay, first, that looks nothing like a Smurf. Second, it's not even blue. Third, does he really not know it's a pillow? He has to know it's a pillow. I mean, is that something the Smurfs don't know? They just don't know what pillows are? They have to have pillows, their hats are kind of like pillows! I mean, for the love of God, how is this scene even remotely possible!?
(Clip from Out of Sight)
Karen Sisco: Really? Who gives a shit?
NC (vo): *Sigh* Thank you, 1998 Jennifer Lopez. You're right. The more I question it, the more it shows I care.
(Meanwhile, Smurfette's walking down an aisle full of doll heads)
Smurfette: Ohh, creepy. I hope they weren't looking for a Star Gazer, too. (Suddenly she sees a line of Madam Alexander dolls) Dresses! You mean I can have more than one kind of dress?
NC (vo): Wow, she seemed to get past the impaled heads and supposedly dressed up corpses pretty fast.
BN (vo): Must be that defined girl personality.
(Suddenly, Clumsy is vacuumed up by Gargamel)
NC (vo): Gargamel tries to catch them, but then ends up getting tased. Now, that has to be funny. Gargamel getting tased? Good God, how can a movie possibly screw this up?
(Gargamel gets tased by store security, falling to the floor)
BN: Like that.
NC: You couldn't even make Gargamel getting tased funny! He sounds like...
NC (vo): ...Professor Fink* getting jerked off! (Professor Frink from The Simpsons appears on the right)
- (NC actually mispronounced Professor Frink's name)
BN: Oh! I don't think we need that image!
NC: Nah, I don't think so either. (He flashes themselves again)
BN: Much better.
NC: Oh, but I feel like we missed part of the movie.
(BN stops him from rewinding the movie)
BN (vo): In their spare time, Smurfette reveals her troubled past.
Smurfette: I was created by Gargamel to trap the other Smurfs.
Grace: Then what happened?
Smurfette: Papa saved me. He cast a special spell, and then helped me become the Smurf I was meant to be.
(And we're back over to Patrick)
NC (vo): Oh, so much for her backstory.
BN (vo): Yeah, who cares? We have Harris' advertising job to worry about. It's not like this movie is about Smurfs.
Patrick: Time to either celebrate or file for unemployment.
BN: Heh. I think that was the banner at the movie's wrap party. (A picture of a party is shown with a banner saying "Time to Either Celebrate or File for Unemployment")
NC (vo): But we don't need to worry about that for too long as we partake in more movement porn, which also conveniently serves as trailer fodder.
BN (vo): And product placement for Guitar Hero and/or Rock Band.
(Patrick is playing "Walk This Way" on Guitar Hero: Aerosmith)
Patrick: (singing) Walk this way!
(We get scenes of Patrick playing the game first using his chin, then one scene shot from the crotch up. NC is a little stunned)
NC: Was the Neil Patrick Harris crotch cam really essential to this scene?
BN: I'll accept it as long as the Smurfs don't rap. As long as-- (Too late. Gutsy, Brainy and Grouchy start rapping along with the music) Oh, my God!
BN (vo): Who are they even singing to? I know it's supposed to be like a music video, but in terms of the movie, they're just rapping into a corner.
(We get a scene of NC and BN rapping the Smurfs theme into the camera)
Both: La la la la la la. La la la la la. Bitch!
(Malcolm and Tamara's perspective has the two of them indeed rapping into the corner of the room)
Tamara: So, uh, what you guys doing?
NC: We're representin', fool!
BN: Yeah, playa. If someone was down there looking at us, we would look amazing!
Malcolm: You look like you're being punished.
Both: WE ARE!
(The two of them begin crying from their punishment)
Patrick: (Talking to Papa Smurf) Doesn't it freak you out sometimes? Little guys depending on you?
Papa Smurf: That's what being a papa is.
NC (vo): (as Papa Smurf) As the saying goes, "You Smurf it, you raise it."
BN (vo): Gargamel's put in prison which, hmm...let me see if anything funny is happening here.
(Gargamel points behind two prisoners about to beat him up to distract them)
BN (vo): As he magically summons an army of flies to save him.
(Gargamel, being carried by the flies, gets caught up on some barbwire, screaming in pain)
NC: Even by Smurf standards, that's just weird.
NC (vo): But it looks like Clumsy accidentally tripped and sent the wrong design to the firm, as...most trips do, which means the wrong ad is sent all over town.
Patrick: You said that they would bring good luck, this is anything but good! I never should have let this happen. I never wanted a house full of little people running around!
(Grace takes that the wrong way)
BN: (as Patrick) No, it's okay! I only just meant it as a metaphor for the baby.
Grace: Of all the people in the planet, those magical little creatures came to us. They chose us. Don't you see how absolutely amazing that is? This is a once in a lifetime thing, Patrick. This is our blue moon.
(We get a clip from The Great Muppet Caper)
Kermit: Hmm. You know, it's amazing. You are 100% wrong. I mean, nothing you said has been right.
BN: Yeah, Kermit's right. Nobody chose anybody.
NC: Yeah, it's clearly just a series of accidental circumstances.
BN: I'll give it this, though. That does make me crave Blue Moon*.
(*Blue Moon (beer))
NC: Let's go drinking after this.
BN: I think that was a given.
NC (vo): But thankfully, Times Square is full of ironic imagery, and he realizes that hammered-in messages are good.
BN (vo): Meanwhile, at an old bookstore, the Smurfs are looking for a book of spells, which seems to be, weirdly enough, a Smurfs comic book.
(The Smurfs are reading a Les Schtroumpfs book)
Papa Smurf: The secret runes are hidden in the drawings.
Grouchy Smurf: You see all that in there?
Papa Smurf: Look here at the patterns on this page.
BN: So, wait, Peyo wasn't just a cartoonist, he was also a dimension jumper?
NC: Or was he a time-traveler? Didn't this all take place in the past? Kinda?
BN: And upon his discoveries, all he did was make cartoons about it?
NC: I never thought I'd say this, but, Smurfs, you're kinda hard to follow!
NC (vo): Gargamel tries again to capture them, but Papa Smurf stays behind to get captured.
BN: Why!? He could've just escaped with them!
NC: Well, then it wouldn't feed into the Papa sacrifice-y talk that they had earlier.
BN: That doesn't mean you get purposely caught for no reason.
(NC puts his hand on BN's shoulder as piano music plays)
NC: Doesn't it, Black Nerd? Doesn't it?
NC: Well, the director of Beverly Hills Chihuahua says it does, so shut it!
BN: Have you seen Beverly Hills Chihuahua?
NC: No, have you? (BN looks down in guilt) You are part of the problem!
BN (vo): But they get the portal to open up and bring tons of Smurfs back to save Papa.
(Gargamel is surrounded by several Smurfs who sing the Smurfs theme as a war chant)
NC (vo): Yyyeah, that doesn't really work as a war song. It sounds more like a lullaby from Donald Trump.
BN (vo): Hmm. An angry horde of people holding weapons, chanting, and wearing pointy white hats*.
(*Reference to Ku Klux Klan)
BN: For some reason, I feel very uncomfortable.
NC (vo): While that's going on, Papa Smurf is being put through a machine to extract his essence.
(Papa Smurf tries to break out of his bonds when he sees an onion get diced in front of him)
Papa Smurf: No! Onions! Ah!
(NC is rather confused by that scene)
NC: Was that a Smurf thing? Being afraid of onions?
NC: Was there an episode where an onion killed his family?
NC: Could the onion--
NC: Then why the fuck is he afraid of onions?!
BN: I don't know! Indiana Jones is afraid of snakes!
NC: But not produce! There's not a scene in one of the movies where he's like...
(Clip from Raiders of the Lost Ark)
NC (vo): (as Indy) Onions, why'd it have to be onions?
BN: Let's just agree that the writers were probably on meth when they wrote this.
NC: There's no probably about it. (After thinking about it) Blue meth.
BN: Blue meth. (beat) Wanna get high?
BN (vo): Oh, but here's something neat. We get to see how Azrael gets the chipped ear.
(A cage falls on top of Azrael. He rips part of his ear off by pulling it out from the cage on top of it)
NC (vo): But, wait, if this happened after the cartoon, shouldn't there already be a chipped ear?
BN (vo): I guess it makes as much sense as Smurfette saving Papa Smurf, only to immediately have him captured again.
NC (vo): Christ, this guy throws himself into trouble more than Bella Swan.
(Gutsy Smurf knocks the wand out of Gargamel's hand)
Clumsy Smurf: I got it!
BN (vo): But Clumsy is about to perform the action that Papa Smurf saw would doom them all.
Papa Smurf: Vision's never been wrong.
(Instead of zapping the Smurfs with Gargamel's wand, Clumsy turns it around on Gargamel, zapping him)
NC (vo): (as Papa Smurf) Except when they're completely wrong. Like this time.
BN (vo): Just put that in the bag of other plot holes this movie doesn't explain.
NC: Really? (He reaches under the table, pulling out a big bag of plot holes, landing with a thud) It's getting so big!
Papa Smurf: I owe you an apology, Clumsy. I believed more in a vision than I did in you.
BN (vo): (as Papa Smurf) From now on, you shall be called Simmering Incompetence Smurf.
NC (vo): This leads to the Smurfs finally being sent home.
Papa Smurf: I should get going. I got a Smurf village to rebuild. Your village has given me some ideas.
NC (vo): (as Papa Smurf) We're thinking about putting our garbage on the street and acting like assholes to anyone who looks at us funny.
(Patrick looks at Grace)
Patrick: I Smurf you.
(The earlier clip from Out of Sight is shown again)
Karen: Really? Who gives a shit?
NC: So that was The Smurfs Movie.
BN: But only by title. This has so little to do with the original cartoon.
(A poster for Get Smurfy is shown. As BN gives his final thought, clips of both the cartoon and the movie are also shown)
BN (vo): Believe it or not, in 2017, they're rebooting the Smurfs again and fully animated, and more like the source material.
BN: Which makes perfect sense, because this movie has nothing to do with the original Smurfs. Look, you can do that with (Poster of The Garfield Movie) Garfield, you can do that with (Poster of) Alvin & The Chipmunks. But the Smurfs live in a medieval fantasy world with dragons, with wizards, with witches, with magic, with sorcery, with adventure! And you decide...
BN (vo): ...it was more entertaining to have advertising executives, domestic parenting, New York City, Sony product placement?!
BN: That is not what the Smurfs stood for! It was magical, it was timeless and you made it...2000s!
NC (vo): And yet, it was such a big hit. Why?
BN: I'll tell you why. Because they threw a lot of money and advertising at it with no effort.
BN (vo): People forget how all over the place the Smurfs were. It was a marketing monster that couldn't be escaped. It grabbed older people's nostalgia, younger kid's love for toys, and enough celebrities to have people shrug and be way too forgiving because of how cute it was.
NC: So, wait, you're saying you can make a bundle through no effort at all as long as you just advertise it right?
BN: Pretty much. All you need is something nostalgic, celebrities, and someone who's manipulated people through advertising before.
(NC thinks about it. We now cut to Jon Bailey from Honest Trailers narrating one)
Jon: Coming this Fall to a theater near you. Pet Rock. (The camera zooms in and out as NC and BN point excitedly at a rock) It's your childhood favorite like you never seen it before. It jumps around to pop songs (the rock hops around a background of musical notes), looks cute (it has a cutesy face), raps in the corner, (clip from Tom & Jerry: The Movie) alters some white idiot's life, (A caption pops up saying "THANKS, PET ROCK.") And all while having a ton of celebrity voices. You remember these people age group 5-37, don't you? It's Amy Poehler.
Amy Poehler: Waffles!
Jon: Christopher Walken.
Christopher Walken: Call me Chris. Chris Rock.
Jon: Selena Gomez.
Selena Gomez: The rock wants what it wants.
Jon: Hey, she said the thing. And, of course, Samuel L. Jackson.
Samuel L. Jackson: Yeah, I'm in everything, so why not be in this? Motherfucker.
Jon: But you don't want a movie called the Pet Rock to be about the Pet Rock. (DOES NOT STAR PET ROCK!) So we have several characters to derail the plot. Like Neil Patrick Harris (Jim Jarosz) as the ad executive, Megan Fox (Tamara) as April O'Neil, Shia LaBeouf from Transformers.
Shia LaBeouf: DO IT!
Jon: All right, jeesh. They're just about to ride with Natalie Portman and Courtney Cox in a pink convertible with He-Man and Thor in the backseat. With a soundtrack featuring The Rolling Stones, Kid Rock, and other rock related names, you know it must be good. It's on fucking everything. (Pet Rock merchandise is shown on screen) Pet Rock: The Movie. It'll turn your heart of stone into a heart of home. Coming out the same weekend as...(Mokey's Choice appears)
NC and BN: Son of a...!!
(And we finally go to credits)
(We cut back to Jon in his recording booth reading a magazine while sitting down on the toilet. He notices the camera watching him)
Jon: Is that camera still on? What the? (He then quickly covers it, turning it off)
Channel Awesome logo: Papa Smurf: Onions? Aah!