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NC: It's in the hardcover. It reads a little different than the softcover.
 
NC: It's in the hardcover. It reads a little different than the softcover.
   
BN (vo): Gargamel uses a Smurf hair to make his magic better, (By turning a woman's gray hair brown) catching the eye of Harris' boss, played by Sofia Vergara.
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BN (vo): Gargamel uses a Smurf hair to make his magic better, (Scene where Sofia Vergara's mother is turned into a young woman plays briefly) catching the eye of Harris' boss, played by Sofia Vergara.
   
 
(A waiter passes by with a champagne bucket)
 
(A waiter passes by with a champagne bucket)
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(They immediately regret that decision after coming back to that scene!)
 
(They immediately regret that decision after coming back to that scene!)
   
BN: It burns![[Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts]]
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BN: It burns!
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Revision as of 11:55, September 9, 2015

The Smurfs

Smurfs-620x330

Released
September 1, 2015
Running Time
27:59
Previous Review
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Link

(We start off with the usual opening for the Nostalgia Critic, then come to him entering the room with Malcolm Ray and Tamara Chambers)

NC: I told you, we just reviewed a Fantastic Four movie. I'm not doing another one.

Tamara: But it was so bad!

NC: I don't care!

Malcolm: They couldn't even spell it right! Fant4stic.

NC: I don't care!

Tamara: It got half a percent on Rotten Tomatoes.

NC: How the hell do you do that?

Malcolm: It found a way.

(NC opens up the closet and discovers the Black Nerd inside wearing a Raphael mask and wielding sais)

BN: Cowabunga!

NC: Ahh!

Tamara: Black Nerd?

Malcolm: Yes?

Tamara: No, that one.

Malcolm: Oh.

NC: What are you doing in the storage closet?

BN: I'm here to do the Ninja Turtle movie review with you and Angry Video Game Nerd. Remember?

(NC flashes back to how that happened. The scene takes place with a blue filter, and with NC on the phone)

Voice: (whispered) Flashback!

NC: I don't care if the Nerd is a bigger star, my face should be bigger than his on the title card! (The doorbell rings) Come on, who's a bigger Ninja Turtle fan than me? (At the door is Black Nerd)

BN: Hey, Critic. Heard you need a Ninja Turtles crossover with the Nerd.

NC: Yeah, sure, come on in. (He lets BN in) I don't care if I don't know anything about that one show. Or that one. Or that one! (He opens the closet door and leads BN in) Really, they made another one? I totally didn't know that. But nevertheless, I am the biggest fan, (He locks BN in the closet) and I deserve to be bigger on the title card. Everything about me is bigger than him! Including that! Don't ask how I know that!

(And we come back to the present)

Voice: (whispered) Flashforward!

Tamara: Wait, you've been in the storage closet that entire time?

BN: Eh, it's not so bad. I still made videos.

(The scene now takes place in night vision as he does his show in the closet)

BN: Hi, I'm Andre and I'm a black nerd. Today I'm gonna be reviewing boxes again. Yay, boxes. Which do you think is better? Cardboard or plastic? They both keep you alive if you ever need to eat them. Like I do. (He bites into a cardboard box) I'm so cold.

(We come back to the present and in NC's place is Peter Griffin from Family Guy)

Peter: You think that's bad, how about the time--

(NC pushes him off screen)

NC: Okay, enough of the cutaways!

BN: So are you finally ready to do the review?

Malcolm: Uh, we reviewed that a few months ago, didn't we?

NC: Yes, but seeing how I could be facing some serious criminal charges for this, let's go ahead and do the crossover anyway. It can be any movie you want.

BN: Smurfs!

NC: Any movie you want!

BN: Smurfs!

NC: Any movie you want!

BN: Smurfs!

NC: I'm sensing an Earth Girls Are Easy vibe from you.

BN: Smurfs!

Tamara: Fantastic 4 (2015)!

(NC knocks her out with a backhanded fist)

BN: Smurfs!

NC: Troll 2 it is. A little cliché, but I still think we can get some good material out of it.

BN: (on the phone) Hello, police! Nostalgia Critic kidnapped another black guy again!

Malcolm: It's true!

(NC knocks Malcolm out and takes BN's phone)

NC: Let's do fucking Smurfs.

BN: Yay!

(As they leave, Tamara and Malcolm get up)

Malcolm: Man, (Steve) Urkel did not age well.

BN: I heard that, Theo (Huxtable)!

(Clips of the original comic and TV show for the Smurfs are shown along with footage from the movie)

BN (vo): The Belgian comic turned into an American 80s cartoon has finally hit the big screen.

NC (vo): Well, technically the second time. (A poster for The Smurfs And The Magic Flute is shown. The arrow points to the tagline saying "It's the Smurfs ONE and ONLY full length motion picture...ever!") Fucking liars. Like most 80s cartoons, it banked more on selling merchandise rather than focusing on interesting stories.

BN: You take that back!

NC: NEVER!

BN: (picking up the phone) Police?

(NC smacks his hand down)

NC: It was mostly harmless.

NC (vo): So much so that I'm not entirely sure how you could get that much of a movie out of it, at least without being super creative.

BN (vo): Well, that's exactly what they did. At first. Rumor has it Paramount originally owned the rights to the movie and were looking to make it sort of a comedic epic fantasy. Think (poster of) Lord of the Rings meets (poster of) (The) Princess Bride.

NC (vo): Well, that doesn't sound too bad--

BN (vo): Until Sony got the rights to the movie, saw (clip of) Alvin & The Chipmunks was a big hit, and said, "Hey, we can do that! Just make them blue!"

NC: So, wait, they're just ripping off that terrible Chipmunks movie?

BN: No!

NC: Oh, thank God.

(BN pulls out a bucket labeled "Smurfs Movie," putting in all the...ingredients that went into the movie)

BN: They're ripping off the Chipmunks movie, but they're also ripping off Enchanted! And Fat Albert! And Masters of the Universe! All that's missing...is the crowning turd! (In his hand is a turd with a crown on it and covered in glitter)

NC: *gasp!* No, Black Nerd! Not Raja Gosnell! He's the cinematic equivalent of child syphilis!

(BN tosses the turd into the bucket which explodes, making them duck for cover! Out of a cloud of purple smoke, laughter is heard)

NC: You fool! What have you done!?

(Coming out of the smoke is a purple dragon)

BN: Yes, my satanic fellow! Let the world see you for the abomination that you are!

(The dragon blows fire at them, as well as Smurfs merchandise)

Dragon: Would you like to buy some Smurf merchandise?

NC: Evil takes many forms.

BN: This is The Smurfs movie. (whispering) I'll take two.

(The movie starts)

NC (vo): We open with Narrator Smurf. (beat) No, really. There's a Smurf called Narrator Smurf.

BN (vo): At least they're not hiding their laziness.

NC (vo): As he talks about a place that knows no sadness. Well, clearly, it can't be in this movie.

Narrator Smurf: A place inhabited by little blue beings.

(Several Smurfs are showing flying on birds)

NC (vo): Oh, so it is an animated movie!

BN (vo): No. That CG is supposed to look as convincing as the human characters.

NC (vo): Really? They all look like (Picture of Mickey) Rocky's coach if he had methemoglobinemia.

(BN looks at NC weirdly)

NC: It's a thing! Read a book!

BN (vo): At first, everything seems to be part for the course. The Smurfs you recognize are all there, they all have names that match their one personality trait, and even the evil Gargamel, played by Hank Azaria, plots to catch them.

NC (vo): Ah, that evil entity who wants to destroy the Smurfs' essence in order to become disgustingly rich.

BN: Hey, I was talking about Gargamel, not Sony.

(NC and BN put their fingers on their mouths as an audience is heard going "Ooh!")

BN (vo): Actually, in this version, he wants the Smurfs' essence to increase his magic, not to make gold or eat them. And as you can see, he's not very good at it, as he spends most of his time playing with puppets rather than getting any real work done.

NC (vo): Hell, at least they look more real than the actual Smurfs.

Gargamel: Alakazoop! (Swings his wand, accidentally causing an explosion to happen that damages his lair. Gargamel is shown sitting on the ground, with his cat Azrael sitting on his head) My goodness, Azrael. You're a boy?

(Azrael meows)

NC (vo): Well, any kid's film that opens with cat balls on a beloved character's head is certainly setting the bar pretty high.

BN (vo): Papa Smurf, voiced by Jonathan Winters, has a vision of all the Smurfs being destroyed because of a mistake Clumsy made, never realizing that maybe he made that mistake because he named him Clumsy.

Papa Smurf: Clumsy?

NC (vo): Yeah, it's like naming your daughter Prostitute. Are you really encouraging any great things labeling them that?

BN (vo): Actually, one of the stranger things is the people they got to play most of the Smurfs.

NC: Oh, come on! Celebrity voices are everywhere. Are you really surprised that people like Katy Perry and George Lopez are in this?

BN: For the main characters, no. But what if I told you that Pee-Wee Herman himself, Paul Reubens, was in this?

NC: What? Where?

BN: Right there!

(Paul Reubens' character, Jokey Smurf, is shown laughing, before jump-cutting to another scene)

BN (vo): And now he's gone!

NC: What? They called him in for just two lines?

BN: (Chuckles) He got the deluxe treatment. Half of these celebrities barely even got a word.

(Various more cameo appearances are shown, with an arrow pointing at the character the actor cameoed as)

BN (vo): That was Kenan Thompson!

NC (vo): What?

BN (vo): There went BJ Novak!

NC (vo): Huh?

BN (vo): Ooh, there's Jeff Foxworthy!

NC (vo): I didn't even hear--

BN (vo): There's Wolfgang Puck!

NC (vo): Why?!

BN (vo): Don't miss Joan Rivers!

NC (vo): They flew her in for this--?!

BN (vo): And, of course, John Oliver's one incredible line*.

(John Oliver's character, Vanity Smurf, is shown)

Vanity Smurf: Oh, marvelous!

NC: Please tell me he's there to do a report on how this movie is ruining America. (A photo from Last Week Tonight With John Oliver is shown with an image of the Smurfs with the caption "Smurf This!")

BN: I think it speaks for itself.

NC: You're right.

  • (Editor's note: In the sequel, John Oliver's character actually has a bigger part)

NC (vo): So Gargamel finally figures out that the Smurfs have kept hidden because of an invisible force field--

BN (vo): Yes, we've gone from children's fantasy to Star Trek technology.

NC (vo): --But some of them stumble across a magic portal--Don't act like you haven't--where Gargamel has them trapped.

Gargamel: Looks like you got the short end of the stick, eh, Papa?

Papa Smurf: Not this time, Gargamel.

(Papa Smurf lets go of the stick he was holding onto as he and his band of Smurfs are sucked into the portal)

NC (vo): (as Papa Smurf) I'd much rather sacrifice my life than listen to your heinous performance!

Gargamel: Must...have...Smurfs!

(Gargamel dives into the portal, getting stuck halfway in)

BN (vo): Because it makes much more sense to chase six Smurfs as opposed to 94.

Smurfette: I don't think we're in Smurf Village anymore.

NC (vo): This leads them to where every fucking portal in family films leads to...

Both: New York City!

NC (vo): Preferably the very pretty and/or intimidating part.

Patrick Winslow: Oh hey, can we get a photographer over there? There's an arrival happening. Thanks. Welcome.

NC (vo): Uh, why are we suddenly in an episode of How I Met Your Mother?

BN (vo): Oh don't you know? This is Neil Patrick Harris' movie now.

NC: What? I thought this was about Smurfs!

BN: Well, Critic, like most sell-out adaptations, the title character rarely has anything to do with the title itself.

NC: So instead of being about little blue people...

BN: It's about (vo) an advertising VP coming to grips with becoming a father.

NC: So, we're in a romantic comedy that just happens to have Smurfs.

BN: Yep.

NC: That's like having a (picture of Holocaust survivors) (vo) Holocaust movie that suddenly decides it needs Fraggles. (A mock poster comes up with characters from Fraggle Rock called Mokey's Choice.)

BN (vo): It comes out next week.

BN: I hear Oscar buzz.

(We come back to the Smurfs riding on top of a cab which has a Blue Man Group advertisement on it)

Papa Smurf: We rescue Clumsy and get back home. I need you all to stay close.

NC (vo): I know I should be making fun of the product placement, but honestly, I'm just thinking how much better this movie would be if Blue Man Group played the Smurfs.

BN (vo): But they wouldn't talk.

NC (vo): Exactly!

BN (vo): And just when you're wondering if watching a cat vomit would be more fun than watching this movie, the film decides to answer for you.

(Azrael coughs up a hairball)

NC: Infinitely more fun.

BN: Yes.

NC: It's like the Disney World of fun in this movie.

BN: (mock cheering) Cat vomit!

Gargamel: Tiny locks of Smurfette! Ohh sweet folicular ambrosia.

NC (vo): Am I the only one getting a bald (picture of) Moe Szyslak from an unfunny version of The Simpsons?

BN (vo): So The Simpsons now?

NC: Up high. (They high five each other)

Gargamel: Oh I must find a laboratory. (Walking into a port-a-potty) This should do nicely! (He then comes right back out!) Somebody's been working a dark and terrible magic in there.

(BN is holding his head in pain from that joke)

NC: Is it even worth wasting a joke on that?

BN: No. Move on.

BN (vo): While he tries to figure out how to get the magic out of her hair, Neil Patrick Harris visits his pregnant beard while the Smurfs try to break in.

(We get a scene of Clumsy Smurf tripping around the bathroom)

NC (vo): And this part takes in what I'm noticing more and more in bad family films, especially in Raja Gosnell's films: movement porn.

BN: What, you're anti-movement?

NC: No, I'm anti-lazy movement. Movement that only exists just to hypnotize your kids rather than engage them.

(Scenes from Tom & Jerry are shown)

NC (vo): Engaging movement involves a lot of variety. Sharp stops, varying speeds, unexpected turns. This is what makes good visual storytelling. (Back to the movie) Here, everything is at the same speed, the same pacing and the same kind of movement. There's no variation, so there's nothing interesting about it. What's more engaging, (Clips of Super Mario Bros is shown, first with Mario running through the level, and backwards even) Watching Mario go one speed throughout the entire game? (The next video now has Mario taking his time on the level) Or having him stop, slow down, go backwards, stomp on things? (Back to the movie) This safe, boring and repetitive movement is the same as looking at a watch waving back and forth. (Said watch is added to the scene) They're both trying to hypnotize and relax you so that you don't think about what you're watching. And that's not what a movie is supposed to do. You're supposed to think about it. You're supposed to be sucked in. But this method is an ingenious way to numb your brains without feeling bored, so you think it must be doing something right when really it's just junk food for your mind. And it's all over the movie.

BN: Oh I don't know. I don't think there's anything wrong with a constant source of movement.

(We cut to BN in his own show doing an episode. Almost every sentence involves a jump cut!)

BN: Hey guys. As you probably noticed, there's a jump cut there! And there, and there! Some might say it's a fast paced way for me to save on memorizing lines. It is! Oo ba bo do be random thing. You know how hard this is to do this in one go?

Chester A. Bum: Do I?

BN: Chester? Is that why you do the fast editing?

Chester: Is that what that is? I thought I was just a wizard.

BN: You never questioned how you could do that?

Chester: When you're as high as I am, you learn not to question things.

Both: Wheeeee! (The word SUBSCRIBE appears on the bottom and both are pointing at it) Subscribe! Subscribe! Subscribe!

Chester: Are we a magazine?

BN: No, we're just supposed to say it.

Chester: Oh.

Both: Subscribe! Subscribe!

(NC stares down BN)

BN: I'm a whore!

(And we go to commercial)

(And we come back)

BN (vo): The Smurfs spot talent, and decide to attack him.

(The Smurfs then jump at Patrick and tie him up)

NC (vo): (as Patrick) Honey, help, I think they are gonna do me in the Smurf!

Patrick: DO NOT BE FOOLED BY THEIR CUTENESS!!!

BN (vo): So he's told who the Smurfs are and, big surprise, he finds it all kinds of confusing.

Grace: How crazy is this? They're little blue people!

Patrick: So you're sticking with your "This is actually happening" theory?

NC: That's actually a legit question. I always had a theory that all of this movie was just a continuation of his (clip of) drug high from Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. [Note: The clip is actually from Harold & Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay]

BN: No. Not even a drug person would go this far without squashing them! (After a bit of calming down) You wanna get high?

NC: Yeah.

Patrick: Hear that, honey? They're only staying till an actual blue moon rises. Which could happen if the little blue Santa man makes a magic potion which at this point seems completely plausible. (Suddenly one of the Smurfs bursts out of his creamer)

BN (vo): I don't think that was in the script. I think Harris was just clarifying how horribly written this movie is.

Patrick: And you're all named after your personalities? Do you get your names when you're born or after you've exhibited certain traits?

Clumsy: Yeah.

Smurfette: Yep.

NC: Oh, I see. So Clumsy has the personality trait of being clumsy, Grouchy has the personality trait of being grouchy, and Smurfette has the personality trait of...girl. Girl, as we all know, girls just have one personality trait.

BN: Says so much about her.

NC: Yeah.

Smurfette: What? You had one outfit on, and now you're wearing something completely different!

Grace: Yeah.

Papa Smurf: Now Smurfette, she probably got the other one dirty.

NC (vo): I love how they're shocked that she can wear different clothes but not that she's pregnant. Having only one female made from nothing, do you think they can even comprehend the idea of a pregnant woman?

BN (vo): Yeah, you'd think in this movie they'd go more into how Smurfs procreate.

NC (vo): I say wizard.

BN (vo): I say artificial Smurfination.

(Suddenly Cinema Snob appears holding a DVD case marked "Smurf Porn" on it)

CS: I have all the answers right here.

Both: NOOOOOOO!!!

CS: Your loss. There's some mighty fine blue balls in here. I had to write on the cover cause you're not ready yet to see a Smurf get Smurfed in the Smurf. Hehe. One of those Smurfs stands for anus.

(Back to the movie)

BN (vo): But like most of Harris' performance, he acts like he wants to get out of every scene as quickly as possible.

Patrick: I had a crazy morning--aaah!

Odile: What are you doing?

Patrick: Uhh, nothing. I'm just excited.

NC: So tell me, Patrick. Is that a Smurf in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Patrick: I need to hone my message here.

Gutsy Smurf: Ooh, how about "Grab life by the grapes?"

Brainy Smurf: "Have a Smurfy day." (I may have gotten that Smurf wrong)

Smurfette: "I kissed a Smurf and I liked it?"

Both: Get it!?*

  • Katy Perry was the voice of Smurfette

(The Smurfs start singing their theme)

Patrick: Stop! Come on, none of you find that song just the tiniest bit annoying?

Grumpy Smurf: I find it annoying.

(BN stifles a laugh at that joke)

NC: Did you just laugh at a Smurfs movie?

BN: No.

NC: Did you just laugh at a Smurfs movie!?

BN: No!

NC: Just remember every time you laugh at a Smurfs movie, God kills a kitten! It's in the Bible!

(We get a gag page of Revelations 22:8)

If thou shall watcheth the Smurfs movie and laugheth, then I shall smite a kitten with every Smurf hating part of my being...and there is a LOT of Smurf hating parts in my being. Now, let's move on to why I've been so bipolar lately; I've been under a lot of stress. I mean TONS!

BN: Huh. I don't know how I missed that.

NC: It's in the hardcover. It reads a little different than the softcover.

BN (vo): Gargamel uses a Smurf hair to make his magic better, (Scene where Sofia Vergara's mother is turned into a young woman plays briefly) catching the eye of Harris' boss, played by Sofia Vergara.

(A waiter passes by with a champagne bucket)

Gargamel: Thank the gods, a chamberpot!

(He then proceeds to fill it up with pee in front of everyone! BN and NC are horrified)

BN: Oh my God!

NC: This is really happening, people!

BN: What do we do?

NC: Just look away!

BN: I can't! It's too awful!

NC: Close your eyes and imagine one of your kindergarten favorites is not pissing into a bucket! (NC and BN shut their eyes) Is it working for you?

BN: Peyo is rolling in his grave!

NC: Me neither! (He pulls out a Neuralyzer from Men In Black) There's only one alternative! (He flashes the both of them, wiping away the horrible memory!) Aah! Great! That's so much better for some reason.

BN: Yeah, me too. But I feel like we're missing part of the movie.

NC: (picking up the remote) Oh you're right, you're right. Let's rewind that, see what we missed.

(They immediately regret that decision after coming back to that scene!)

BN: It burns!

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