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NC: I mean, can you think of an instance where you just took something random you put teeth or blood on it and that instantly works--(shows poster for Teeth)--D'AAHH, that was different!
 
NC: I mean, can you think of an instance where you just took something random you put teeth or blood on it and that instantly works--(shows poster for Teeth)--D'AAHH, that was different!
   
NC (vo) It turns out that the (sarcastic voice) horrifying croquet mallet was just another one of Danny's visions. Though Jack does seem to be struggling as he finds himself calling his AA sponsor, who loves reminding him of stuff that he apparently already knows.
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NC (vo): It turns out that the (sarcastic voice) horrifying croquet mallet was just another one of Danny's visions. Though Jack does seem to be struggling as he finds himself calling his AA sponsor, who loves reminding him of stuff that he apparently already knows.
   
 
{{NCscripts}}
 
{{NCscripts}}

Revision as of 21:55, 9 October 2013

The Shining Mini-Series

Nc the shining mini-series

Released
October 01,2013
Running time
42:30
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(The opening of Nostalgia-Ween begins with a stop-motion segment of Jack Skellington dressed as the Nostalgia Critic as he runs through a forest and comes across the holiday trees of Christmas and Halloween. A third door stands between them with the Nostalgia Critic's face on it. Jack looks at the door with intrigue and opens it. Suddenly, someone holds a gun out and shoots him. The shooter reveals himself as Pennywise from It.)

Pennywise: Wa ha! Wa ha! Wa ha! Wa ha! Wa ha! Wa ha!

(Jack lies dead as the Nostalgia-Ween logo appears)

(We then cut to a box being placed on a counter.)

NC: (wearing a red flannel shirt) Ah, I tell ya. Nothing like moving into a new place, doing some heavy lifting, stretching the muscles. Isn't it great, guys?

(Malcolm and Rachel are nearby placing bigger boxes on the couch.)

Malcolm and Rachel: (unenthusiastically) Whee.

NC: (looking at himself in the mirror fixing his teeth) I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I mean why keep filming all my stuff at home when I have a perfectly good location just waiting to be used.

Malcolm: Were we always filming at your house?

Rachel: Yeah, to be honest, it was actually really inconsistent where we were.

NC: What's important is that we have this fantastic location built on top of a harmless Indian burial ground that rests below the hulking remains of a burnt down insane asylum for schizophrenic homicidal orphans...and vampire puppies. So why don't you guys get busy putting together those very heavy props while I figure out where to put this delightful Halloween ornament. (said ornament is a puppy dressed as a pumpkin) Oh, and if you guys could place them in the order of my favorite props to my least favorite props, that'd be great.

(Malcolm and Rachel leave Critic behind as evidenced by the door closing)

NC: Fine! Your loss! You don't get to take notes with me as I watch the highlight of any Nostalgia-Ween: the Stephen King mini-series!

(The Hallelujah chorus plays as we see an image with Stephen King's head photoshopped on an eagle next to the words "The Stephen King Mini-Series!" in front of fireworks and the American flag)

NC (vo): Yep. Nothing like celebrating the holidays by attacking a man who's done absolutely nothing to me and is making his living by entertaining others. Oh, we'll show him, won't we, Pennywise?

Pennywise: (from Stephen King's "IT") Oh, yes.

NC (vo): We all know he's had some classic stories, but he's also had some classic blunders. And nowhere are they more spotlighted than in the overly long and overly goofy mini-series. Only this time, the idea is not to get one of his ideas to the screen, it's rectifying a version that he's hated for years.

NC: That, of course, being The Shining.

(title card for The Shining mini-series shows up)

NC (vo): Most are aware of the Stanley Kubrick adaptation, or as the Brits like to say, "Q-Brick". And for the most part, audiences seem to enjoy it. That is, of course, except for King. Yep, the guy who loved 2012 and Death Race couldn't stand the theatrical release of The Shining. So what to do? Release his own version on TV in 1997 with a teleplay written entirely by him.

NC: It's sure to have some Kingly awkwardness and I'm here to take notes on it for my next review. So, what are we waiting for? Let's dive into the Wish You Overlooked Hotel with The Shining.

NC (vo): So our story takes place not in Maine? What the hell is going on here?! As we open with Jack, played now by Steven Weber, being instructed how to handle the boiler room when he becomes the caretaker of the Overlook Hotel. Oh, and I don't mean briefed. I mean instructed with every single detail.

Pete Watson: This is your pressure gauge. It's got a safety valve. And this is your stop valve. So here's what you gotta do. This son of a buck has been rusted shut. No safety valve. Keep rated for 160. Every night, last thing.

NC (vo): You know, oddly enough, King, the inner workings of a water boiler described by Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) in the hopes that your obvious setup for the climax will seem less silly isn't as riveting as you think.

Pete: Well, yeah.

NC (vo): But at least he has some history to welcomely scare the shit out of the new housekeeper.

Pete: We had this lady here last summer. Slit her wrists. Then there was this last caretaker, Grady.

Jack: What about him?

Pete: Shotgun. Both barrels. (sticks two fingers in his mouth as if the barrels of a shotgun.)

NC: Jeesh. I hope you don't say this on all the hotel tours.

(We cut to a picture of the large kitchen)

NC (vo, imitating Pete): And over there is the kitchen where Old Mary McCrede cooked her husband. (Audience screams) Pipe down. He was delicious.

NC (vo): Jack then talks to the owner of the hotel played by the shaking head of Elliot Gould.

Stuart Ullman: The board has decided to put an alcoholic less than a year away from his last drink in charge of one of the greatest resort hotels in America. May I be frank?

Jack: Oh, why stop now?

Stuart: It makes me sick!

NC (vo, imitating Stuart): Here are the keys! Enjoy your stay!

Jack: I'll not only be taking care of the Overlook, but I'll be taking care of myself and my family.

NC (vo): While Jack assures our mystery theater actor that he's no longer on the sauce, we see his boy and wife waiting eagerly at home, played by Courtland Mead and Rebecca De Mornay.

Wendy: Did your dad get the job?

Danny: Uh-huh. He and the man he talked to didn't like each other, but he got it.

Wendy: Are you sure?

Danny: Uh-huh.

Wendy: Yay!

NC (vo): That's right. In this version, the parents are totally aware that the kid is psychic, and the reaction is, "Eh." I guess when you get down to it, it is kind of a legit reaction. I mean what's he have to look forward to? (cut to an image of a neon sign saying "Psychic Reader Open") An apartment with a neon sign on top of the Walgreens?

Danny: (playing with a toy airplane) Pilot to tower, pilot to tower, got to make an emergency landing. (Wendy looks outside at him through the window)

NC (vo): This makes Jack's wife, Wendy, think back--quite randomly the more I think about it--to that terrible night when her husband had been drinking too much. Or at least badly imitating a guy who's been drinking too much.

Jack: Look at this mess! Oh, here's the phone and this what I come back to? Answer me you damn pho-- I'll fix you!

NC (imitating Jack): Slurred cliches and monotone anger! The only thing to make this more obvious is an empty bottle of... (Wendy holds up a bottle of alcohol) there we go!

Wendy: I don't believe you. What did you do to Danny?!? (cut to Danny lying in bed with bandages on him) I'm never going to another emergency ward, Jack. Thought you could stop on your own.

Jack: I was wrong.

Wendy: If anything ever happens again, I am packing my bags and I'm leaving.

Jack: You're right. It's gotta end. One way or the other.

NC (vo): (in monotone imitaing Jack) As you can see, I'm really torn up about it. (normal) But his son, Danny, is having his own issues outside, as his imaginary friend Tony tries to communicate with him.

Tony: Danny! Danny! (cut to Tony who is just hovering in place) Hi, Doc.

NC (vo): Pfft, really? So Tony all this time was an awkwardly hovering version of the Encyclopedia Britannica kid? I don't think anyone could have predicted that from the Kubrick version.

NC: I always thought it was a demonic rendition of the Frosted Flakes mascot. (we see such an image of Tony the Tiger with demon horns, sharp teeth, and other things to make him look demonic)

Danny: What do you want?

NC (vo): But Tony shows him some scary images of what's to come, like a killer hose!

(Said hose is done in bad CGI with fangs lunging towards the camera)

NC (vo): Wait, what? (shows killer hose again and sighs) You know, King, you have a talent for taking things that are very obviously not scary and...keeping them very obviously not scary. I mean, what are you going to do? Try to make croquet scary, too? (Danny sees a croquet mallet with blood on it in Jack's car) Oh, for God's sake, just because you put blood or teeth on something doesn't mean we're automatically gonna be frightened by it!

NC: I mean, can you think of an instance where you just took something random you put teeth or blood on it and that instantly works--(shows poster for Teeth)--D'AAHH, that was different!

NC (vo): It turns out that the (sarcastic voice) horrifying croquet mallet was just another one of Danny's visions. Though Jack does seem to be struggling as he finds himself calling his AA sponsor, who loves reminding him of stuff that he apparently already knows.