And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "The Secret World of Arrietty."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
Would you mind if I borrowed some-- SPOILERS!
There's this little girl named Arrietty.
Only I don't mean "little" like she's very young.
More like she's the size of Danny DeVito's testicle.
And she lives with other Danny DeVito testicles inside this really nice house where they borrow things!
Well, not really borrow. That implies you give it back.
I'm not really sure how you borrow sugar, eat it, and then give it back.
Oh, actually, there is one way, but you wouldn't like it.
So Arrietty comes across this sick boy.
And she's like, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"It's a Miyazaki film. We're never surprised by anything." (He gives himself an odd look; continues) "Two girls rode inside a cat that was a bus, and that barely got a reaction."
"Yes. (looks at camera) But he is awesome."
(looks at camera) "Awesome!"
But because they were seen by the boy, they suddenly have to move.
And Arrietty is like, "Why do we have to move?!"
"Because that boy saw us."
"So? Miyazaki wrote it, so the boy won't care!"
"No! There are so few of us that we cannot take the risk of being found out by the human beings."
"Y'know, Dad, we always say that in movies, but what if we DID just go to the human beings?" (looks flabbergasted) "They could use their science and technology to find out if there's more, we could befriend them, we could exchange things..." (He seems to consider this) "As long as we say we're an endangered species and helping us would be 'going green,' nobody would ever touch us!"
"No! Close-minded refusal to understand others is the best way to go!"
"You're a tool."
(looks down) "I know."
But the girl can't help but keep up her relationship with the boy.
It's kinda like "Twilight," only we give a crap!
But then we find out that the little boy is dying. (Runs finger down cheek) Ooh!
"Yes. However, I am going through an operation. They say there's a very slim chance that it could help--"
(interrupts) "You live, don't you?"
"How'd you know that?!"
"Anytime a character's going through an operation, they always come out okay!"
"Okay. (Raises a finger with each word) Shut the hell up, bitch!"
But it turns out the evil housekeeper finds one of the Borrowers.
So she "borrows" her-- (chuckles, then stops) --and puts her in a jar!
She also locks the boy in a room because...that's what a good housekeeper does to dying kids?
But Arrietty helps him get out and they save the mother!
And the housekeeper is like, "No, really, there are little people here!"
(sounding calm) "Sure there were."
"I also made a living by making people laugh by pulling my ear!"
(still calm) "Sure you did."
"I'm fired, aren't I?"
(still calm) "Yes, you are."
So the boy says goodbye to Arrietty as she goes off with her family, and we're left wondering if the little boy will ever survive his operation.
Oh, wait, he does.
Well, we're off to see all the other Borrowers that exist in this world-- (Just then, "The End" pops on the screen with some Japanese-sounding credit music) ...Oh. I...guess that's it. (Another screen pops up during this which says "Animated by: Orki Orimorki, Takisaki Maki, Soradora Bora, Harrycarry Larri, Hamato Yoshi, Oroku Saki, A Bunch of Other Japanese Names You'll Never Be Able To Pronounce Well")
Funny, I thought there'd be a little bit more to this movie. Like, how the kid's dealing with almost dying, or all the other places that the Borrowers come across, their new home, the animals they try to fight off...
They talk about all the dangers of the world, and the only thing they come across is (holds hand down) Carol Burnett as a dwarf?!
Granted, that's a little frightening, but I expected more!
Oh well. "Arrietty" is still a great movie!
It teaches us so much, like... (long pause)
If you see little people, you're not necessarily on drugs.
And that's something I really need to hear!
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
C'mon, I'll use it to make a live-action version with John Goodman! It'll be a HUGE hit!