The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause
December 18, 2019
Wonka: Yes, sir, you heard correctly, we'll be closed on Christmas Day. (gets up from his seat and walks toward his front door) Well, you can blame Jesus. He's the one that popped up.
(He turns off his cell phone and walks out into the hallway, where Hyper Fangirl is)
HFG: (writing in binder) Christmas trees, stockings... (sees Black Wonka) Oh! Black Willy Wonka, did you get the presents?
Wonka: Indeed. No one will know that they're missing.
HFG: I choose not to question that.
(They then hear the sound of NC groaning and rubbing his eyes as he walks down the hall toward them in his Christmas jacket)
NC: Oh, God, I'm tired.
HFG: Hey, Critic, are you done editing the Christmas review for next week?
NC: Yeah, it's all cued up. I just had to review The Santa Clause 3 for this week, and then finally, Christmas vacation.
HFG: Were you up all night?
NC: The past several nights so I could get these done before the deadline today. But it's fine. I just might not have a ton of energy for the holiday party tonight.
HFG: Oh, that's okay. I know you have a really early flight tomorrow.
Wonka: Anyway, we've got you covered. Everyone's bringing a little something to help out, whether it be punch, canned yams, or the blood of our enemies caramelized in their own salty tears.
NC: (shudders) Canned yams... Well, you two keep at it. (turns to leave) I'm gonna go film and edit this review.
HFG: Well, whatever review you have planned for Christmas Day, I'm sure it's gonna be fantastic.
(Suddenly, NC stops abruptly and turns around to face them again with a look of apprehension on his face)
NC: One of the reviews goes up Christmas Day?
HFG: Well, yeah. Isn't that the one you just finished?
NC: Yeah, but it's just...a fun one. There's nothing special or deep about it or anything. (clutches at his forehead) Oh, God, I must've gotten the dates mixed up!
Wonka: Well, what does it matter? You'll still have a fun review anyway.
NC: No, no, you don't understand! Every year, I do a heartfelt, meaningful episode! Something that the majesty of Christmas deserves!
Wonka: Did you just use "majesty" in describing your work?
NC: I can't just give something fun and entertaining on Christmas Day! Not on Christmas Day!
HFG: Oh, come on, give yourself a break.
NC: (holds up index finger) No, no! I have to do something that reflects the wholesomeness of the holiday! I'm...scrapping the other review and starting from scratch!
HFG: Oh, but what about the party?
Wonka: And The Santa Clause 3? (HFG looks at him strangely) What? I want him to suffer through like I did.
NC: No! I'll still do Santa Clause 3... Too many people have asked for it this year. ...while thinking up another movie to review. (starts to leave again)
HFG: (calling out) Just don't overexert yourself, Critic!
NC: (calling back) You two just keep working on the party while I shoot these reviews! (goes into his room)
HFG: (sighs, then turns to Black Wonka) So you've seen Santa Clause 3?
Wonka: Oh, yes.
(NC quickly sits down at his desk to begin the review)
NC: Okay, okay! (clears throat) All right! (coughs and exhales, then pauses briefly) What am I doing? (brightens up as he remembers) Santa Clause 3, yes! (suddenly frowns as he realizes what he's getting himself into) No...
(The title for this movie is shown, followed by footage of the first Santa Clause movie)
NC (vo): The first Santa Clause movie, premiering in 1994, gave the impression it was going to be Tim Allen's Home Improvement character as the bearded one himself. That is to say, entertaining both kids and adults. What we got was certainly more kid-focused, but as kid-focused movies go, it was all right.
(Cut to footage to the second Santa Clause movie)
NC (vo): Its sequel in 2002 I guess is in the same boat, a little lame and corny, but it has some genuine romantic as well as a bizarrely entertaining Robo-Santa. It wasn't that great, but it's an okay way to waste an hour and a half.
(Now cut to the third Santa Clause movie, the topic of this video)
NC (vo): Number 3 in 2006 is where people finally turned. Audiences hated the forced plot, strange acting, and downright uncomfortable direction the majority of the movie presented. Somewhere, it seemed to go all off the rails. So what the hell happened to the seemingly harmless franchise to give everyone a bad case of bah hum-fuck? Well, let's ride on in and take a closer look.
NC: This is the final... Question mark?
(A poster for a made-up fourth movie appears in the corner, entitled Santa Clause 4: The Revenge Clause, showing Santa Claus with glowing red eyes)
NC: ...Santa Clause movie. (nods)
(The movie's title is shown, displayed on some Christmas ribbons)
NC: You know you're in trouble when your opening credits...
(The title on the ribbons is displayed again)
NC (vo): ...look like the DVD menu of Santa Paws. (Camera zooms in on the subtitle: The Escape Clause) And how many clauses are there? Did Willy Wonka's lawyers oversee all these? The credits roll as we're shown the enchantingly magical North Pole, but from the looks on all the kids' faces, it looks like their parents dropped them off and they're just realizing they're never coming back. I'm not kidding, every child in this movie looks miserable, to a point where it's kind of beyond belief.
NC: Now, to the movie's credit, these are not supposed to be children; they're supposed to be grown elves who just happen look like children.
NC (vo): And I guess on that level, it's believable, because they all look like midlife-crisis-suffering employees who have just given up on any chance of happiness.
(The camera zooms in on two elves in particular, wearing black-and-white stripes like prisoners)
Elves (voiced by Doug): (humming "Deck the Halls" unhappily, then trailing off)
(We then cut to a school at the North Pole, where the younger elves are in school, and Mrs. Claus, AKA Carol Newman-Calvin (Elizabeth Mitchell), is the teacher. One of the female elves, named Trish (played by Abigail Breslin), raises her hand)
NC (vo): All right, let's focus on the only appearing to try in this movie.
Trish: Wasn't it weird when you married Santa and you had to move all the way up to the Pole and give up your old life, Mrs. Claus?
NC: (pointing to camera) She even said that...
NC (vo): ...mouthful of a line almost convincingly!
NC: (sighs and shakes head) She seems like she's trying.
NC (vo): Go ahead and give her a career.
Carol: Something so gigantic happened that it changed Santa and me forever.
NC (vo): So, Santa's wife, Carol, played by Elizabeth Mitchell, says, "Screw teaching kids what good elf taxes pay for and let's tell an ass-numbingly long story that she wasn't there for most of."
(Santa is seen pushing Carol in a wheelchair down a hall, as she has a huge bump on her stomach, indicating pregnancy. Several elves run along behind Santa)
Santa: Baby Claus is on the way!
NC (vo): She talks how she was given the "forced into marrying, kicking and screaming" treatment like most of us are right now, as it looks like the delivery was a false alarm.
(Mr. and Mrs. Claus are now back in Santa's office, where the fireplace is represented by a giant face with a huge, gaping mouth)
NC (vo): They walk back to Santa's office where– WHAT MADMAN DESIGNED THAT FIREPLACE?!?
NC: It looks like...
(The fireplace is shown again, with an image of the Cowardly Lion from The Wizard of Oz, open-mouthed as well, appearing in the upper-left corner)
NC (vo): ...the Cowardly Lion fused with (Image of the following appears in the upper-right corner...) Zardoz! Fuck yeah, I'm in the Christmas spirit now!
(The mouth of the office fireplace actually widens as Santa steps through it into the office, after which the mouth closes)
Santa: That never gets old.
NC: Thank you.
(The mouth opening is shown again, along with an image of the hawk-faced gate from Super Mario Bros. 2 and Mario about to go through it)
NC (vo): Your Mario 2 transport did not...
NC: ...make it less pants-pissing. (nods)
(Curtis, played by Spencer Breslin, enters Santa's office in a panic)
NC (vo): Their second-in-command this time is Conrad*, played by Spencer Breslin.
- NOTE: Actually, his name is Curtis, as stated previously. Conrad was Breslin's character in The Cat in the Hat.
Curtis: (looking at Santa's nice/naughty list) Have you even checked this list once?
Santa: I have perused it.
Curtis: Help me help you help me help you.
NC: (smirks) Okay, that got a laugh.
Curtis: Help me...help you help you...help you...help me.
NC: (becoming nervous) Losing said laugh...
Curtis: (stifling laughter) Help me help you help you help me help me...help you...
NC: Yeah, I'm taking that laugh back. (reaches out hand) Hand it over. (The image of his smirking is shown being put in his hand and he puts it aside)
Carol: (suddenly getting up) Sweetheart, I'm feeling so much better...
NC (vo): Carol feels work is getting in the way of their relationship, so she goes for a walk, but Santa tries to distract her.
Santa: Wait, did you see this? (holds up a toy duck) It's a duck. It quacks in three languages.
(He squeezes the duck's beak and it makes a quacking sound before actually speaking)
Voice in duck: (Spanish voice) El ducko says "quacko". (Italian voice) II duck-e say "quack-e".
(Cut to a clip of a black kid, presumably on Sesame Street)
Kid: THAT'S RACIST!
(Cut back to the movie)
NC (vo): She says she'd feel better if she had her family around, as Santa insists that the elves are her family now.
Santa: (to the elves) We're her family, right?
Elves: (in unison) We love you, Mrs. Claus!
(Santa sits down next to Carol, who wipes her nose in sadness)
NC (vo; as Carol, whispering): Shit, I'm in a cult! Not sure how I missed the abundance of warning signs.
Carol: Taller family.
NC: (imitating the black kid from earlier, who appears in the corner) THAT'S...SIZE-IST!
NC (vo): So he recommends bringing her parents to the North Pole to keep her company, but, before he can do that, he needs to have a meeting with the Holiday High Council about Jack Frost, Martin Short, wreaking havoc.
Cupid (Kevin Pollak): Where's Fat Boy?
Santa: Mother Nature, Father Time, merry Christmas again.
Mother Nature (Aisha Tyler): (seeing the Sandman asleep, yells) SANDMAN!
Sandman (Michael Dorn): (startled awake) I'm up, I'm up!
NC: I really don't have time to mock the...
NC (vo): ...legion of cameos in this scene...
NC: ...so I'll just play the funniest sound byte.
Easter Bunny (Jay Thomas): Hey, Cupid, nice skirt!
Mother Nature: (dubbed over by Lara Kane from Archer (also voiced by Tyler)) Yeah, thanks. The memory of your bare ass will bring me comfort and warmth during the coming nuclear winter!
(Jack Frost himself swaggers into the room, wearing sunglasses)
NC (vo): It looks like Frost is causing chaos in order to gain attention to get his own holiday.
Mother Nature: (to Frost) You froze a volcano in Hawaii...
Everyone else: Mm-hmm...
Mother Nature: ...you made it snow in the Amazon, and you frosted Mexico, sending all the geese north for the winter!
NC: Thank God a lot of people just think it's fake news.
Frost: I have enormous untapped potential, but all I am you have to hear is...is an opening act.
Tooth Fairy (Art LaFleur): You're the best friend; you're not the leading man.
NC: You sure they're not just talking about Martin Short at this point?
Santa: (overlapping) All you got is...
Frost: ...soda cans, and you get the TV specials, and you get the postage stamps and the billboards and the beautiful, adoring wife...
NC: (as Frost) I just get a suit that looks like...
NC (vo): ...it was put out by a fire extinguisher!
Frost: I want to make things right.
Santa: I'll give you one more chance.
NC (vo): Santa gives him one more chance to help out around the workshop, because polar terrorism deserves another shot, as Santa visits his ex-wife Laura's family as well as his son Charlie.
(Santa brings his sleigh and reindeer down by the side of the house. They talk reindeer talk among themselves and release flatulence, much to Santa's disgust)
Santa: Go easy on the alfalfa.
(The reindeer fart twice more, laughing each time. Santa, looking quite grossed out, goes into the house)
NC: Ooh! (holds up three fingers) Three fart jokes in under a minute! They must want to charm us early!
(Inside the house, Charlie (Eric Lloyd) and his young cousin Lucy (Liliana Mumy) watch as Santa reaches into his bag)
NC (vo): Santa reaches into his bag of completely random cartoon sounds...
(As he reaches in, sure enough, various random cartoon sound effects are heard: a cow mooing, a metallic clanging, slide whistling, boinging, etc., while Laura (Wendy Crewson) and Neil Miller (Judge Reinhold) stare)
NC: Remember how charming that worked in Mary Poppins?
(Cut to a scene of that movie: Mary digging into her carpet bag for her tape measure, as cartoon sounds are edited in. Then cut back to Santa Clause 3)
NC (vo): ...as it looks like Laura's husband, Neil, played by Judge Reinhold, brought his own dumbass sound effects.
Neil: Let's take our feelings' inventory.
(Everyone takes in a deep breath as the sound of a sitar plays in the background plays. Santa is confused)
NC: I think parents are preparing their arguments for why they deserve their money.
NC (vo): Laura's daughter convinces Santa they should all go to the North Pole to help out, as Frost discovers if Santa wishes not to be Santa while holding a magic snowglobe, the so-called "escape clause" will be put into effect.
Curtis: (melodramatically while holding the snowglobe) This is the part where I'm transported through time and everything goes back to the way it was, like I'd never become Santa at all!
(NC stares, poker-faced, then slaps his hand on the table)
NC (vo): The Nativity Story! Sorry, I was so busy not laughing at this. I was thinking of another movie I could review, and that's the one, The Nativity Story!
Chester: Helloooo, Mr. McCritic!
Doe: We stopped by early to drop off some eggnog!
Chester: You'll never guess what the secret ingredient is!
Chester: (looking around shiftily) Oh, is that what that was?
NC: (holding up his hands) Chester, Doe, can you do me a favor?
Chester: I don't know, do you have a favor?
NC: (holding up index finger) Can you give me a copy of the film The Nativity Story?
Doe: (smiling) Oh, that's a wonderful movie! (Chester nods)
NC: I'm gonna make fun of it.
Doe: (still smiling) That's a terrible idea! (Chester shakes his head)
NC: It's from the director of Twilight! There's gotta be some laughs!
Chester: Oh, okay, I suppose we can pick that up for you.
Doe: Are you gonna stop by the party afterwards?
NC: I can't, I gotta review this as well as Santa Clause 3.
(Chester and Doe make a Sign of the Cross)
Doe: We will pray for you very loudly.
NC: (looking back to the camera listlessly) Appreciate it.
(Chester and Doe turn to leave)
Chester: I can't believe the writer of Free Birds brought that to us!
NC: So, anyway... (stops abruptly, confused) Free Birds? Anyway...
NC (vo): Santa visits Laura's parents, played by Alan Arkin and Ann-Margaret, as he also brings the Sandman, played by Michael Dorn, to have them dream that they're flying on a plane to meet Laura, as they don't want to reveal he's Santa. Clearly a well-kept secret.
Bud Newman (Arkin): (rubbing a door he's working on) Smooth as a baby's butt now. Come, take a feel.
Santa: (touching door) Very butt-like. (chuckles)
NC: Confirmed: Santa has touched a lot of babies' asses. (becomes nervous as he gestures toward an image of a Nambla Alarm that appears in the corner) I shouldn't need this, should I?
Sylvia Newman (Ann-Margaret): (seeing Santa) Scott! (hugs him)
(The camera zooms in on Bud, who hangs his head)
NC (vo; as Arkin): A moment of silence for my attempt at a good performance. I will try no more after this point. Amen.
(Cut to the living room, where Santa and the Sandman continue their meeting with Bud and Sylvia)
Sylvia: Remember when we went to Yosemite?
Bud: (rolls eyes) Oh, here we go...
Sylvia: (rising to her feet and walking towards Bud) I didn't leave the lodge because it was freezing...
Bud: And it was freezing weather...
(Santa and the Sandman stare in confusion)
Sylvia: Yes, it was in the freezing weather.
NC: This truly is a good sum-up of the movie...
NC (vo): ...watching an awkward moment everybody finds uncomfortable except those at the center of it.
NC: Isn't that...
(Cut to a shot of the description for the movie on Disney+, with the description being the same words as NC's)
NC (vo): ...how it's described on Disney+?
(Back in the movie, the Sandman blows sand in Sylvia's face. She falls over on the couch as the sand puts her to sleep)
NC (vo): They're knocked out by Dorn, but honestly...
(An image of Worf of Star Trek fame (played by Dorn) holding a Bat'leth is shown off to the side)
NC (vo): ...a Bat'leth would have been lovingly welcomed...
(Santa brings his entire family, including his in-laws (who are still out like a light), to the North Pole. Laura and her family all raise their arms in excitement as the sleigh flies through the air)
NC (vo): ...as wow, they really look like they're high up, don't they? So much wind and cold breath (The "Walt Disney Pictures" title card for this is shown as the sleigh is similarly flying through the air there, too) and totally not the opening credits, which...
NC: ...In context, (The "Walt Disney Pictures" title card is shown again in the corner) who were those people in the intro supposed to be?
(The elves, wearing jackets and sweaters with Canadian themes on them (either the maple leaf or just the word "Canada"), greet Santa's family, startling Bud and Sylvia awake, who then look around in confusion)
NC (vo): ...and they land, discovering the place has been made up to look like Canada.
(The elves gather around Bud and Sylvia)
Sylvia: This place is like a dream...
NC: (as Bud) Why does everybody in Canada...
NC (vo; as Bud): ...look like a hostage? Oh, wait.
NC: (as Bud) I've seen your PSAs.
(A clip of the infamous "Workplace Safety" PSA appears in the corner, showing the sous chef slipping and falling on the floor, spilling the boiling pot of water on herself)
NC: (as Bud) This is normal.
(Meanwhile, Jack Frost is addressing some elves)
Frost: Excellent job. (pretends to hit elf with small hammer) Bang, bang! (chuckles, then puts hammer down when elves don't respond)
NC (vo): Well, that bit died.
(Frost walks along and then spots as he spots a vending machine that dispenses Red Deer energy drinks)
NC (vo): Frost is drawn, quite randomly, to a room of vending machines, where he thinks the magic snowglobe might be.
Frost: The hall of snowglobes perhaps?
NC: Look at this!
NC (vo): Nothing signals him that that could be where it is! Yet he pauses like he heard (Image of the following pops up in the corner...) Bernard from the other two movies tied up behind there. (as Bernad, muffled, from behind a wall) Oh, my God! I told the Mouse I wanted a raise, and he took my pinkies! He said every Disney characters has four fingers! (cries)
(Meanwhile, Santa and Carol escort the parents around)
NC (vo): When the parents ask why everyone in Canada is so short, we start what I can only call the Disturbing Pause Zone.
NC: You'll find there's weirdly a lot of them in this movie, and they seem to start at this point.
Bud: (to Santa, about the elves) What's the deal with them?
Santa: This is what Canadians look like.
(The parents stare in confusion as the phrase "The Disturbing Pause Zone" appears on the screen to a dramatic choir sound)
NC: (as Sylvia) Mmm, that's good time you're never getting back!
(Meanwhile, Jack Frost continues his search for the snowglobe and comes across some elves in black-and-white stripes operating some computers in front of a globe of the Earth)
Frost: Hey, guys, how are you doing? (The elves look at him awkwardly) Santa says he really wants you to take a break.
NC: Every child looks like...
(The elves' nondescript expressions are shown again)
NC (vo): ...they're given the direction: "Pretend a gun is not being pointed at you."
(Cut back to the shot of the movie description on Disney+, but this time with the same message as the aforementioned direction above)
NC (vo): Again, another description on Disney+.
(In the kitchen, Frost pushes a cart right in the path of another elf, who trips over it and drops a tall stack of canned food in the process. All the while, he holds a tray of two cups of milk)
Frost: (pretending to be upset) How does something that happen?!
(Frost then discreet turns up a flame on a stove to cause a fire)
NC (vo): Frost tries sabotaging the factory...
(Then, inexplicably, he serves one of the cups of milk to Sylvia for some reason)
NC (vo): ...while also...hitting on the in-laws?
Frost: (to Sylvia) Oh, you're so adorable, you fine little kitten, you. (makes a growling sound, as she giggles)
NC: (as Frost) I always like a warm glass of MILF before bedtime.
(Suddenly, more flames erupt from the stove, setting it on fire and sending the elves into a panic. Bud runs in, holding a fire extinguisher)
Bud: Heads up! Heads up!
Bud: Coming through!
NC: (surprised) Okay, this is happening!
(Bud puts the fire out with the extinguisher)
NC (vo): Yeah, we don't see him notice the fire or find the extinguisher or anything like that. It's just something we're dropped into.
NC: But at least we get this great punchline!
Frost: I'll get a mop.
NC: (confused) Why did he say that like it was something funny?
(Santa comes over, having overheard the commotion)
Frost: You should see the delivery room.
Bud: (to Santa) Is this a problem? (Santa stares) I want to see the delivery room.
(Again, the Disturbing Pause Zone phrase pops up to the ominous choir sound)
NC (vo): They're taken to the delivery room, which they see has also been damaged.
(Said damage is a huge hole in the ceiling, which means a huge hole in the floor above, as there are elves visible from up there, too)
Bud: (to Sylvia) How about that, Syl? Our grandchild is being born in the broom closet of a Canadian toy factory!
NC: (as Bud) I told ya, this is what Canadian health care gets ya!
(Several elf firemen run into the factory, armed with fire extinguishers, as several more fires have popped up, caused by Frost)
NC (vo): Santa has yet another fire to literally put out.
Curtis: (to Santa) Your pants are on fire.
(And indeed, they are – on his rear end, yet!)
Santa: Fire in the hole!
(A shot of the movie's G rating is superimposed briefly)
Elf fireman: I'm on it, Santa!
(The elf douses the fire with his extinguisher as Santa groans with relief)
Frost: (coming in) Is there anything I can do? (Curtis looks at him suspiciously)
Santa: Yeah. (turns around to show his backside where the fire was) Why don't you put a chill on my bottom for me? Come on. (Frost stares, not knowing what to do)
NC: (confused) That not only needed to happen, but...
(Cut to a shot of a fan-made poster for this movie, showing Santa and Jack Frost, who is blowing his ice breath on Santa's rear. Next to them is the tagline: "LET IT BLOW!")
NC (vo): ...it needed to be the poster!
NC: Now, that would've earned the PG rating!
Voice at door: Hi, Critic!
Kim: It's live-action Kim Possible. (holds up DVD of The Nativity Story) I got your movie!
NC: Oh, I thought Chester and Doe were getting it.
Kim: (suddenly having a whiny temper tantrum) I WANT THE ATTENTION! (NC is startled as she jumps up and down) I...WANT...THE ATTENTION!!
NC: All right, all right! When did you become so needy?!
Kim: (calmly) Here you go. (hands DVD to him) I am an inspiration to girls everywhere. (Hyper Fangirl casually walks by and Kim, seeing her, turns to her sharply) HOW DARE YOU WALK BETTER THAN ME!
(HFG nervously starts backing away, but then Kim roars at her, startling her so that she runs. Kim gives chase)
NC: All right, I don't have much time to watch this, (takes a remote) so I'm just gonna view it on fast forward.
(He puts on The Nativity Story and sets it to fast forward)
NC: (laughs) They almost stoned her! That guy's nailed to a cross! So many dead babies! (suddenly turns off movie) Okay, I can't get a class out of this, but you know what? (takes a pen) I can still get a good, inspiring Christmas message. (starts writing on a piece of paper as he looks up at camera awkwardly) ...While I still continue to review this film. (writes some more, more scribbling than anything)
NC (vo): With several of the toy-making machines destroyed, Santa decides to combine the parts of the toys that are left over to give to kids as a new toy.
(Through magic (and various cartoon sound effects), Santa manages to make a new toy as the elves and Lucy all stare)
NC: Fun fact: While they were shooting this scene.
NC (vo): ...every kid was given the direction to think of sawdust filing a tax return.
NC: What good is enchantment if you can't look bored as sin by it?
Lucy: (to Santa) You know what I've been dying to see? Your snowglobe collection.
(Standing off to the side, Jack Frost's eyes widen and he smiles devilishly)
NC: (as Lucy) I'm hoping I can smash it over my head to obtain some kind of feeling in this movie.
NC (vo): He takes her to a room so magical she chooses to stare at the vending machine as it's revealed to her. The film is boring he has to face her towards it to remind her it's still going on!
(Santa gives Lucy one snowglobe in particular, who gasps as she is shown it. She takes it and looks at it with delight. The snowglobe has her inside looking at a snowman)
Lucy: It's...It's-It's me!
NC: (as Lucy, pretending to hold a snowglobe in his hand) I literally had a nightmare about this! Thanks, Santa!
(In the snowglobe, Lucy hugs the snowman)
Lucy: I'm hugging a snowman! (Santa nods)
NC: (as Lucy) So, do I...feed me? How does this work?
(Lucy and Santa hug)
NC (vo): The only hope this scene is giving me is that it might result...
(Cut to the ending of Krampus)
NC (vo): ...in a Krampus-style ending. I'd love to see the elves have to feed off a Krispy Kringle!
(Back to Santa Clause 3, Jack Frost enters the room full of snowglobes as well)
NC (vo): Frost finds his way into the room as the rest of the family decorates.
(In their new room, Carol, Laura, Neil and Laura's parents are decorating for Christmas, while "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" plays. Neil accidentally tangled several lights together into a huge ball and Laura smiles at him)
NC (vo; as Laura, laughing): I remember that from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. It was funny there.
(Santa had also come into the room, but is interrupted when Curtis also comes in for him)
Curtis: There's something you need to check twice.
(Santa walks over to him and then turns to address everyone else)
Santa: (holds up two fingers) Two minutes?
(Everyone stares. Then Carol walks out of the room with Santa, while everyone else continues to stare nervously. Once again, the phrase "The Dramatic Pause Zone" appears to the dramatic choir sound. Then we cut back to Santa's office, where his desk is covered with long strands of paper. He paces about nervously while talking on a phone)
NC (vo): So, as you probably guessed, they're doing the "parent who works too much to appreciate the important things" cliche. On top of being done so many times a hooker is thinking of changing her name to that, let's just say it: it's friggin' Santa Claus on Christmas Eve!
NC: He's absent (holds up index finger) ONE NIGHT of the year! I think there would be some kind of understanding between these two!
Santa: (talking on phone) I can't talk right now. I'm putting the tree topper on the tree.
Carol: (nodding) Mm-hmm.
Santa: (leaning away from phone) Gotta go, gotta go, gotta gooooo...bye!
(He hangs up. But then a sped-up version of "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" plays on the phone as his ringtone, signalling yet another call. Carol stares at him)
Santa: Put in my pocket.
Santa: (to the in-laws, who were watching) I'm not answering that.
NC: I know, we'll just have to go giftless this year. Shame, I think they made half of these.
(Suddenly, as Santa puts the topper on the Christmas tree, it suddenly topples over)
NC (vo): The tree falls over, though, once again from Frost's sabotage.
Santa: (to Bud) Well, maybe you just don't understand the pressure I'm under.
Bud: Well, maybe it's not as bad as being ripped away from your family and told you can't see them anymore!
NC: (shrugs) Now, that's a legit point.
(The earlier scene of Santa and the Sandman meeting Laura's parents is shown again)
NC (vo): They say never see their daughter. And not like, "Oh, I never see my daughter," not like over-the-top stuff. I'm talking about never see their daughter!
Bud: (to Santa) ...so busy you can't bring our daughter now to visit her mother and father once in a while?
NC (vo): And there is no reason for that! Everything in this is not built up in a way that makes sense or is relatable. So when Laura [sic] says...
Santa: Maybe you shouldn't have come.
Carol: Maybe I should never have come either.
NC (vo): ...how are we supposed to take that? She's regretting their marriage because the one time of the year he has to work, he's working too hard? But on the other hand, he's practically holding her against her will from her family because of a secret that...
NC: (shrugs) ...in the context of the world they've created, should not be a secret!
NC (vo): And all of this is supposed to be taken seriously with that GODDAMN FIREPLACE IN THE BACKGROUND!! Nothing about this situation makes any sense or has us relating with anyone! Even he's [Santa's] ready to throw everything away pretty fast, despite him being mostly upbeat throughout the entire movie.
Santa: (to Jack Frost) Well, it's over. I blew it again.
NC: Oh, come on. (A shot of Tim Allen's show Last Man Standing appears in the corner) You're taking ABC canceling you too hard.
NC (vo): Frost tricks him into holding the snowglobe and saying he wishes he was never Santa, taking him to the original night when Santa fell. Frost puts the coat on and they're sent back to modern day where everything is different. Because it doesn't matter how hard you try to help people, you can always help more.
NC: (looks in binder) Wait, that's the wrong review. I meant that for the other one! Dammit, I'm getting screwed up! (facepalms himself)
Voice: Hey, just so you know...
(NC looks up to see who is speaking. It's a priest (Walter) wearing a cloth around himself with the Ghostbusters logo on it standing at the door)
Priest: ...I brought some of Dan Akroyd's Crystal Head Vodka, guaranteed to have you seeing at least four UFOs.
NC: Hey, you're a holy man. (looks at binder) Tell me what you think of this message: "On Christmas, you don't have to be perfect, just more perfect than Jesus."
(The priest stares at NC, who bats his eyes at him)
Priest: I think you need to take a break.
NC: I can't, man. I have a review I have to get out tonight for Christmas! It has to be extra special, 'cause, you know, it's...it's appearing on Christmas!
Priest: Have you been getting enough sleep?
NC: Sleep is for the bread.
NC: Dead. I'm doing fine. Just keep setting up the hardy.
NC: I can't! I have work to do!
Priest: Very well. I will continue to contemplate if I like that new Ghostbusters trailer or not. (beat, then hesitates) I think I do. (leaves) I think I do.
NC: Ooh! (takes binder and writes in it) "If you have nothing to give..." (looks around shiftily) "...is worth two in the bush!"
(As he writes, NC dozes off, then rises awake as he resumes. On that note, we go to a commercial break. Upon return, the movie resumes with Santa having reverted back to his former days as workaholic Scott Calvin. He enters his high-rise office of his old company, which is overlooking the city as a light snow falls outside. Inside, he meets one of his coworkers, Rory (played by John Ross Bowie))
NC (vo): So, we're over halfway through the film and we're finally at a location that doesn't look like a Build-a-Bear Workshop. It looks like Santa is now just Scott, a successful businessman who barely sees his family. Yep, It's a Wonderful Back to the Future II.
Rory: We always work Christmas Eve.
Scott: Where's my family tonight?
Rory: Well, you rarely see them and you...don't mention them. (Scott becomes devastated)
NC: (as Rory) You...had them killed. I can drive you to the grave site if you want.
NC (vo): He goes to his ex-wife's house to find that he barely sees his son.
(Cut to an earlier scene in the film, where Santa hugs Charlie, with a yellow arrow pointing to it, with the accompanying phrase: "Screen Time Together: 1 minute 32 Seconds")
NC (vo): (sarcastically) Because that was so different before!
(Cut back to Scott's meeting Laura, who reacts coldly to him)
Laura: Neil has been taking Lucy to the North Pole ever since he and I got our divorce, remember?
Scott: (stunned) Divorce?
NC: Oh, of course! Being the ex-husband, he held their phony marriage together! How does this add up?
(Scott looks at a brochure Laura gave him, which is for the North Pole Resort)
NC (vo): He finds Frost has opened the North Pole as a theme park...
(The next scene shows Scott flying to the North Pole on a Northpole Airlines plane, which has a picture of Santa painted on it, with his arms on the wings)
NC (vo): ...and yeah, a plane with Santa crucified face-down is par for the course at this point.
(Cut to the North Pole, which has indeed become a gaudy tourist attraction. The elves still work there, but they are more miserable than ever now)
Background singers: Welcome all you girls and boys / Come on in and build a toy / Mom and Dad shall have...
NC: (phony shock) Oh, no! The elves look miserable! (beat, then images of the elves from earlier in the movie are shown in the corners) Again, how is this different from before?!
(The North Pole's various gift shops are shown as kids all fight for the various merchandise everywhere, including t-shirts and dancing toy Santas)
Kid 1: I want a dancing Santa!
Kid 2: I saw it first!
Kid 3: No, you didn't! I saw it first!
NC (vo): Lord knows there weren't bratty kids around Christmas when Allen was in charge.
(Scott runs into Curtis, who is taking tickets)
Curtis: (holding up a pen) I'll throw in this year's commemorative pen.
Scott: What is that?
Curtis: Will that be cash or credit card, sir?
(He pushes a button on the pen, and it repeats what Curtis said as though it was a recording device)
Scott: That's silly!
NC: Home Alone 2 already did it, (A shot of Kevin McCallister's Tiger Talkboy from that movie is shown in the corner) and it was just as obvious a plot device.
NC (vo): Frost appears as the new Santa and...
(Scott turns to see Jack Frost now sporting a white Santa-type beard and wearing his red coat. He grins creepily at Scott)
NC: (smiling awkwardly) Let's just say the Saturday Evening Post would look a little more...
(To a dramatic sting, Frost as Santa is shown again, along with a Christmas edition of the Saturday Evening Post appearing in the corner, showing an illustration of Santa with Frost's head edited onto it)
NC (vo): ...pedo-ish if he was the model.
Frost: (to Scott) Nice to see you, mon frere.
NC (vo; as Scott): Excuse me, Kenny Rogers, I'm looking for Jack Frost.
Frost: (giving Scott a spearmint lollipop-themed pen) Why don't you chill out and enjoy the swag, huh?
Scott: This junk is not what Christmas is about!
NC: (as Scott) It's about my junk, my crap that spoils kids!
NC (vo): He [Scott] sneaks towards Lucy and tries to get her to sneak into the Hall of Snowglobes. Because for some reason, he [Jack Frost] didn't destroy them and he kept them all in the exact same spot.
Scott: (pointing) Just up those stairs, behind a vending machine, is a secret room, filled with snowglobes like you've never seen before.
NC: (confused) Am I supposed to get a stranger danger vibe from the actor playing Santa?
Scott: I need your help.
Lucy: I don't want to go up there all alone.
Scott: Trust me.
NC (vo): Remember, kids, if a man in a long black coat says there's a magic room you should wander alone into, do it. He just wants to touch your snowglobes.
Scott: This is really important.
NC: (as Scott) Do it, and you'll get a surprisingly long gig on a weird-ass Nick show.
(As he says this, the title for the Nickelodeon show The Loud House is displayed off to the side, referencing Liliana Mumy's voice role as Leni Loud)
NC (vo): She sneaks in as Frost begins his big song number.
(Frost performs the song number dressed as Santa)
NC (vo): And if you think this movie isn't ballsy enough to show you the entire routine, you clearly didn't know its working title!
(The title for this movie is shown again, with the made-up working title: The Meandering Clause)
Frost: (singing) SUMMERTIIIIIME...bluuuues...
(He starts walking down a flight of stairs as female elves throw up their arms, jingling bells as they do)
Frost: (singing) ...are melting away...
NC: Coke sales (An image of a Coca-Cola can is shown in the corner, with Frost as Santa on it) would tank if he was their mascot.
(A montage is shown of Frost singing)
Frost: Come here to play here at the very... (Cut) Come see the snowman, up where no man... (Cut) All those summertime blues...are melting away... (Cut) ...although it's 55 below...
NC: (nonplussed) My God! Am I sleep-deprived, or is this actually still going on?!
NC (vo): I never thought I would crave (Image of the following is superimposed...) a Wookie watching Jefferson Starship until now!
Frost: (singing) ...that polar north... (throws his Santa hat) if you can...
(As Frost continues to sing, we cut back to NC's chair, but he is gone from there. He is sitting in another chair, holding the Nativity Story DVD and putting a blue cloth over his head)
NC: Goddamn right I'm shooting the other review while that shit's going on! Fucking Hobbit dwarf Christmas! I wish this shit never happened!
(Suddenly, the door opens. It's...)
Background singer: Santa Christ, Santa Christ, we all love Santa Christ!
SC: Oh, ho, ho, ho! Does somebody wish this never happened?
NC: Yeah! Even though 99% of the time, I'm totally happy!
NC: So you think because I saw that sentence once, I need a whole lesson appreciating what I have been appreciating for years?
NC: I'd call that a waste of a lesson. A waste of 90 minutes! A waste of $12 million to tell the exact same story that dozens of other Christmas movies have told in much, much, MUCH, MUCH, MUCH BETTER WAYS!!
NC: Take your cliched Christmas and stick it RIGHT UP YOUR HO-HO-HOLE!! YOU HEAR ME?! (gnashes his teeth at him)
SC: ...Well, that went very differently in my mind.
NC: (facepalming himself) Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. It's just, I have so much to do, I'm on no sleep, and I still haven't thought up this really incredible Christmas message.
SC: Well, I've been there.
SC: No. Bye. (starts to leave)
NC: Wait! (SC comes back in) How's this for a Christmas message? "If at first you don't succeed...shut up, shut up, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!"
SC: (stares) ...Needs work.
NC: That's fair.
(With a "ho-ho-ho", SC leaves, shutting the door as he does so, as his theme plays, which then stops abruptly as the door shuts completely. NC puts the blue cloth over him again)
SC: (outside) Hey, hey, come on, keep it going!
Background singer: (outside) Santa Christ, Santa Christ, we all love Santa Christ...
NC (vo): All right. So he [Scott] tricks Frost into holding the globe while he uses the recording pen to say he doesn't want to be Santa, taking him back again to where he puts the coat on.
Past Scott: (looking up) Hey, you!
(Santa Claus, who was standing on the roof, gets startled and loses his footing, causing him to slip and slide off the roof and ultimately fall off and onto the ground. Meanwhile, from behind a snowman, the present Scott has been watching and wrestles with Frost to get to Santa's body)
Buzz Lightyear: (audio from Toy Story 2) Am I really that fat?
NC (vo): Allen of course gets the coat, putting everything back to normal. He sees his family walking by and goes to talk to them.
Frost: (stunned, holding the snowglobe) Well, that didn't work out the way I hoped.
(Cut to a clip of Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse, showing all the students in school staring silently at a film being played on a projector. Suddenly, Gwen Stacy breaks the silence by giggling. Miles Morales stares at her)
Gwen: Sorry, it was just...so quiet.
(Cut back to Santa Clause 3, as Scott, now Santa again, runs up to Carol and hugs her, and she hugs back)
NC (vo): They all forgive each other remarkably fast, seeing how, moments ago, they were regretting their lives together, and they seem to get along now.
Santa: It only takes a few minutes to see the truth of an entire lifetime. I mean, taking care of all the children of the world, and-and the elves and the S.O.S. and the North Pole...
NC: (as Santa) What I'm saying is, I quit and I want a divorce.
NC (vo): He even decides to reveal himself to his in-laws.
(Santa takes Bud and Sylvia to the workshop, with activity going on everywhere. As Santa stares, once again, the "Disturbing Pause Zone" phrase is displayed, along with the dramatic choir heard in the background. Bud stares, open-mouthed)
NC (vo): And remember what I said before about Alan Arkin checking out with this performance?
NC: You see that the most in these last few minutes.
Bud: Listen, if they're–if–if they're elves, this is not a toy...factory, this is...
Sylvia: Oh, no...
Bud: This is probably Santa's workshop.
Bud: And if this is probably...
Sylvia: If this is Santa's workshop, then...
Bud: Then he's the guy.
NC: Yeah, he's suddenly drunk Orson Welles on a wine commercial!
Bud: I'm Father Christmas' father-in-law! That means I'm... (Sylvia gasping for breath, prods him) I'm Father-in-Law Christmas!
(Cut to a clip of a commercial for Paul Masson Wine, showing the aforementioned drunk Orson Welles)
Welles: Ah, the...French...champagne...has always been celebrated for its excellence...
(Back in the movie, Bud and Sylvia continue to be amazed)
NC: Now he's Christopher Walken! Sober, but...still Christopher Walken.
(Cut to a clip of Saturday Night Live showing Christopher Walken as the Continental)
(Cut back briefly to Santa Clause 3)
(Cut back to SNL one more time)
(Back to Santa Clause 3, as Bud discovers the members of the Holiday High Council)
Bud: (pointing up) That was Cupid!
Father Time (Peter Boyle): (giving a thumbs-up) Hello, Santa.
Bud: Father Time! What next?
NC (vo): In hindsight, he could've fixed a lot here, but then we wouldn't have learned the lesson that we didn't need to learn at the start.
(Mother Nature walks up and Bud stands with her and puts his head on her shoulder, as once more, the "Disturbing Pause Zone" message pops up to the dramatic choir. Then two elf policemen bring in Jack Frost)
NC (vo): They capture Jack Frost, in the most adorable arrest ever, as it seem like he froze Laura and Neil. But Santa and Lucy have a...plan?
(Said plan involves Lucy hugging Jack Frost really hard. Frost yells as she touches him. Suddenly, cracks form along his body, glowing as they do. NC looks on nervously)
Jack: I...feel gushy inside...
(As everyone watches, Frost makes a purring sound. As NC continues to watch, a buzzer sound is heard as the words "ADULT NEEDED!" flashes on the screen in red. Lucy's warm hug has literally melted Frost's cold appearance, which has turned him into another man)
NC (vo): Her warm hug melts him into... (A poster for the following appears in the corner...) Clifford.
NC: Hey, at this point, any other short character is an upgrade.
NC (vo): ...and that thaws out the parents, too.
Neil: (hugging his entire family) GROUP HUG!
(As NC speaks on the elves' behalf, saying "Yay" in a flat tone, everyone gathers around, save for Santa and Carol, who have pulled away from the crowd. Santa holds up the snowglobe while Carol suddenly feels her stomach in surprise)
NC (vo): And wouldn't you know it, Carol is giving birth that very second! They speed up literally the exact same footage from the beginning, because this movie is for babies, and she finishes her story to the class.
Carol: (to the elf students) The most magical thing of all is that I got to deliver just before Santa had to deliver.
NC: (as Carol) Yeah, I was supposed to teach you sex ed, but that's about as close as I'm getting to it.
(Santa and Carol play with their new baby, Buddy)
Trish: So, who got to pick out the name?
NC (vo; as Trish): Or, how about the real question: (Title for the TV Lost is superimposed) how'd you get off the island?!
NC: (pounds fist on desk) God, I've been looking for a spot to fit that in! Just made it!
(The film ends on a closeup of the baby, who smiles in a rather creepy way. Then the screen freezes before fading out)
NC: That's a fair shot to end on.
(Cut to a shot of some kids in a movie theater, presumably watching this movie, but with their faces replaced by the face of baby Buddy, all with the same creepy smile)
NC (vo):' Every kid in the theater is gonna have that same reaction at this point.
NC: So, okay, in a strange way, this movie can be summed up in its bloopers.
(Footage of the in-credits bloopers is shown)
NC (vo): Which...honestly aren't that good. Everyone gives off this air that they have no idea what they're in or what their goal is, so all they can do is laugh.
Santa: Mother Nature, can you thaw– (stops abruptly and laughs, as does Mother Nature)
(Now another blooper is shown)
Scott: (reading flyer) "Frost..." (Laura suddenly laughs) Is my acting somehow humorous to you?
(Another blooper is shown)
Santa: Look, I'm not gonna evoke...
Santa: (laughs) Easy!
NC: And honestly, (shrugs) that's kind of the movie.
(Footage of this movie is shown one more time as NC provides his closing thoughts)
NC (vo): It's so uncomfortable, so off and so awkward...you just have to burst out laughing. Oh, maybe it's the lack of sleep or I'm just giving into the madness, but everything in this is so perfectly out of place, it's kind of hilarious. Oh, don't get me wrong, it's awful, but if you just surrender yourself to the drawn-out pauses, passionless writing, and desperate acting from performers who are begging for some form of vision...kind of amazing. It's like how some people didn't get (An image of the following is superimposed...) Norm MacDonald at first, but after a while, you accept him as one of the masters of troll comedy. This isn't intentional troll comedy...I don't think, but it still works on the same level. If you're looking for a good movie, it's certainly not that, but if you're searching for one of the funniest blunders where everyone is so lost but having such a bizarrely fun time being lost, this is, in a weird way, actually enjoyable. Break out your inner troll and have a good laugh.
(NC's seat is empty)
NC: And as Herod would say...
(NC has moved back over to the other table, again wearing the blue cloth over his head while holding the Nativity Story DVD)
NC: ..."I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for that manger kid!" I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to! (gasps for breath, laughing) That's it! (takes cloth off of him) That's it! I've finally finished the review, so all I have to do is edit them, and I'll meet the deadline!
Atreyu: Hey, Critic. Oh, I was just preparing the tree mould and lizard brains. You wanna help out?
NC: I can't! I have to edit these two Christmas reviews so I can make the deadline!
Atreyu: Why don't you just edit one so you can enjoy the party tonight?
NC: Hey, I owe it to Christmas to have a Christmas message even better than all the other Christmas messages! And what better way to premiere it then on Christmas, baby! It's gonna be amazing!
Atreyu: Alright. Suit yourself, man.
Fard Muhammad: Hi, I'm Fard Muhammad!
NC: Now to get to the editing room. Puh! To think that measly fun Christmas review was gonna go up Christmas Day. Well, after I edit Santa Clause 3, I'm gonna create the ultimate, most powerful Christmas review. One with the most powerful of Christmas messages… Homey don't play that-- It's a work in progress.
(An intense editing montage is shown with clips of Santa Clause 3 overlaying NC trying to staw awake)
NC: Ha! There! Santa Clause 3 is edited and uploaded. Now to work on my Christmas magnum opus!
(NC instantly passes out before he can start. Everyone shows up at the door and see Critic sleeping. One by one, they enter the room. Later that evening, NC wakes up, realizing what might have happened, and quickly checks the time on his phone)
NC: NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOO!!! I missed the deadline! Now, there won't be any review on Christmas! (However, he sees the review from the initial plan was uploaded) Huh?
Devil Boner: (coming to the door) I heard a woman scream! Oh.
NC: Did you guys upload the other review I did?
HFG: Well, there was no waking you up. And also, like we all said, you needed the break.
NC: But what about the Christmas message?
DB: For God's sakes! You're not running for Mr. Rogers.
HFG: We'll see you out there, Critic.
NC: You worked hard enough. Enjoy your time off. You deserve it. We all deserve it.
(A video of the Christmas party is shown with everyone from before having a good time. It ends with HFG putting a blanket over NC, who is asleep on the couch, and placing a post-it note on his cap that says "Merry Christmas")