Channel Awesome
The Room


July 13th, 2010
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NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Well, I've gotten emails and emails and emails and EMAILS of people requesting me to do this one certain movie. Well, today, I'm finally gonna give in. This is it. One of the big ones. One of the worst ones ever. I am going to review...The Room. (Beat) That's right. The college film that I made growing up.

(Footage from Doug's college film "The Room" is shown instead)

NC (vo): I'm surprised you guys wanted me to review this so bad. I mean, it's not very long and I made it years ago. But ever since I showed it in my flashback section, you’ve all requested me to do it.

NC: So let's not waste any time. Let’s dive right into...

(An explosion off-screen is suddenly heard, and then an older version of the Critic, resembling Christopher Lloyd as Doc Brown in the Back to the Future films, comes into the room as the Back to the Future theme plays.)

Future NC: Critic!

NC: Who are you?

Future NC: I'm you...from the future!

NC: Well, what are you doing here...what am I doing here...what are we doing here?!

Future NC: This isn’t the movie they want you to review, Critic. There's one worse, FAR WORSE, that they say is one of the worst movies of all time! (Makes a strange mumble noise)

NC: Really? Oh, that is tempting. When was it made?

Future NC: All the way in 2003!

NC: Oh, but that's after my cut-off date. That's barely nostalgic.

Future NC: I know! That's why I’ve come to take you into the future so that it will be nostalgic! (Makes another strange mumble)

NC: Oh, but I wanted to review my old college movie. It was gonna be funny.

Future NC: No, it wasn't. (tries to drag NC out of his seat)

NC: Yes, it was!

Future NC: What, were you gonna use another Chuck Norris joke again?

NC: ...Maybe.

Future NC: Come on, Critic. There's no time to lose!

(They both leave and we see a shot from Back to the Future of the DeLorean shooting off into the future. After a bright flash, we cut to NC walking into his basement)

NC: Wow. So what year is this?

Future NC: The future!

NC: All right, all right. But why am I downstairs in the basement?

Future NC: Oh, it's the only place we can hide to stay away from the seahorses.

NC: Oh, okay. (long pause) What?

Future NC: Oh, yeah, seahorses rule the Earth now. Complete domination. Surprised nobody saw it coming, really.

(NC looks out of the window to see that the whole world is practically a seahorse empire with futuristic buildings and a seahorse Statue of Liberty. After that, NC resumes speaking to the camera)

NC: Well, I'll just deal with that as it comes. So, let's not waste any time. Let's dive right into The Room.

(We are thus shown the title of the actual movie, before we are shown the film's production logo and its opening credits, with the name "Tommy Wiseau" being shown in several credits)

NC (vo): Okay, so after we get our logo that looks like it should be before a TurboGrafx-16 game, we cut to our opening credits. We get some fairly decent shots of San Francisco as we see the star of our movie is Tommy Wiseau...who I guess was also the executive producer...and the writer...and the producer again. Gee, either the director of this film really likes Tommy Wiseau or... (Scoffs) I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say...

(The final opening credit is shown to be "Directed by Tommy Wiseau")

NC (vo): Yeah, just as I thought. Looks like we have a personal story here, people. Be very afraid

(At an apartment, a man named Johnny walks through the door to meet his girlfriend, Lisa)

Johnny: (very blandly, like all his dialogue) Hi, babe. I have something for you.

NC: (laughs) Okay, okay, no, no, no...come on, come on. Where’s the real performance?

(We are shown a future scene of Johnny and Lisa)

Johnny: The bank saves money, and they are using me, and I am the fool.

NC: (laughing) No. Seriously, guys, come on. Where's the real actor?

(We are shown another future scene of Johnny and Lisa)

Johnny: You are part of my life, you are everything. I cannot go on without you, Lisa.

(NC's face slowly goes from a smile to complete disgust, slowly realizing who he's gonna watch throughout the film)

NC: ......No....

(We are briefly shown another future shot of Johnny)

Johnny: What about Elizabeth, huh?

NC: No...

NC (vo): Let me guess. That's Tommy Wiseau? (A subtitle appears under another shot of Johnny, which confirms the answer)

NC: Oh, no. (Covers his face in horror) That’s the kind of acting they only talk about in fairy tales, the kind of acting that they say could never exist!

(The screen suddenly goes static and then cuts to Obscurus Lupa in her room, looking terrified)

Lupa: Don’t do it, Critic.

NC: Obscurus Lupa?

Lupa: I’ve reviewed this movie already. There's no need for you to sacrifice your sanity as well.

NC: (sounding determined) I must, Lupa. True, it'll be hard to sit through this anus of a performance, but I must do it for my fans!

Lupa: (cries) But...but, Critic...

NC: Away with you!

(Lupa leaves crying. NC takes a breath and continues, as we cut back to the first scene of Johnny giving Lisa a new dress)

NC (vo): So, yeah, this is our main character, everybody. You know that creepy guy who always looks at you funny on the subway? Yeah, he made a movie, apparently. And in that movie, he plays Johnny, the fiance of a pretty young woman named Lisa.

(A young man named Denny comes into the apartment)

Denny: Oh, hey, guys.

Johnny: Oh, hi, Denny.

NC (vo): And this is Denny. We don't know that much about him, but after a few scenes, you'll wish to stay that way.

Johnny: Nice to see you, Denny. I'm going to take a nap.

Denny: Can I go upstairs, too? (Johnny laughs randomly)

Lisa: Denny, I think I'm gonna join him.

(Lisa and Johnny then walk upstairs as Denny watches)

NC (vo): So, a kid comes over and they go upstairs to have sex? Well, that's kinda rude. What's the kid supposed to do? I mean, is he supposed to just go upstairs and join them?

(In the bedroom, while Johnny and Lisa are in the middle of a pillow fight, Denny jumps in between the two, causing all three of them to laugh and Johnny to tickle Denny. NC looks shocked)

NC: Uhhh...

Johnny: Denny, do you have something else to do?

Denny: I just like to watch you guys.

NC: (stunned again) Uhhhhhh...

Johnny: Denny, two's great, but three's a crowd. (chuckles)

Denny: I get it. You guys wanna be alone.

Johnny: That's the idea.

Denny: Fine. I have homework to do, anyway. Bye, lovebirds.

Johnny: Bye, Denny.

(Denny leaves the bedroom)

NC (vo): So...was that a charming scene, or should we be emotionally disturbed?

(Johnny and Lisa start kissing, before the film instantly cuts to show them dancing together during the nighttime)

NC (vo): Oh, well, who cares? We have a gratuitous sex scene to shoot! Which apparently, they waited until night to do, considering they started during the day, and as soon as they started taking their clothes off, it's at night. What, did they just pillow fight the whole time?

(Johnny and Lisa are shown taking their clothes off in their bed. All of this is shown and delivered extremely slowly, with Lisa's hairstyle changing in-between the fade-ins)

NC (vo): But, hey, if you think it took a while for them to start making out, see how long it takes for them to actually start having sex. I mean it. They kiss, play with their clothes, she puts her hair down...just so she can put it back up again. It practically takes forever!

(Eventually, Johnny and Lisa start making out, and even that aspect of this scene is shown and delivered slowly and completely awkwardly. One shot shows the two of them bumping uglies in a weird way)

NC (vo): And wouldn't you know it? Even the sex is really off! I mean, look at this angle here. Really look at it. (Beat) Is he fucking her belly button? 'Cause it looks like he’s fucking her belly button. Dude, I don’t know how many times you’ve had sex, but it’s not that tight!

(We cut to the next morning, with Johnny waking up and getting out of bed)

NC (vo): So I’m guessing five days later, they finally get sex over with...or whatever the hell you call that. So Johnny gets up for a minute and...

(Johnny walks out of the room, showing his bare ass to the camera, which an image of a donkey head is superimposed on. This shot disgusts NC to no end)

NC: DAAAAAH! Fuck it, movie! Fuck it! I...I got a hard enough time watching his acting, you gotta show me his ass?! What the hell?!

(We are shown several shots of Johnny and Lisa's first sex scene)

NC (vo): Actually, this whole scene plays like a sex tape gone wrong. In fact, I bet that’s what happened. I bet that's exactly what happened. Tommy Wiseau was filming himself and his girlfriend having sex, when somebody came across the tape. They confronted him about it and he said... (Imitates Wiseau) Oh, no, no, is not sex tape. Is, uh, independent movie I'm making. Yeah, that's it. Independent movie. And, uh, I'm in it, and, uh, so is my girlfriend. (Imitates Lisa) Tommy, what are you doing? (Imitates Wiseau) I had to think of something. We just have to make movie now. (Imitates Lisa) But neither of us can act. (Imitates Wiseau) We make movie now!

(In the middle of the day, Lisa's mother, Claudette, comes over to visit Lisa)

NC (vo): So Lisa's mother comes over as she feels something is wrong.

Claudette: What’s wrong? Tell me.

Lisa: I don't love him anymore.

Claudette: Why don’t you love him anymore? Tell me.

Lisa: He's so...boring.

NC: Okay, if making love to your navel is boring, I don’t want to know what exciting is.

Claudette: He supports you, he provides for you. And, darling, you can’t support yourself. And his position is very secure.

NC (vo; as Claudette): Yes, your job that we’ll never explain or see you do makes much less than his job which we’ll never explain or see him do.

(Later in the day, Lisa decides to call Johnny's best friend named Mark, inviting him over to the apartment)

NC (vo): So we see Lisa call Johnny’s best friend, Mark, as she invites him over for a quote-unquote “talk”.

(Lisa gives Mark a drink)

Mark: Thank you.

Lisa: It's hot in here.

(Lisa slowly takes her clothes off as Mark chuckles)

Mark: I mean, the candles, the music, the sexy dress, I mean, what’s going on here?

(We cut to a famous scene from The Graduate')'

Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, you’re trying to seduce me.

(Back to the movie. Lisa slowly approaches Mark, attempting to seduce him)

Lisa: I like you very much...lover boy.

Mark: What are you doing this for?

NC (vo; as Mark): Dude, I thought we were gonna talk.

Lisa: Don’t you like me?

Mark: Johnny's my best friend.

Lisa: Forget about Johnny.

Mark: Uh, I’m leaving now.

(He attempts to leave, but Lisa stops him)

Lisa: Please don’t leave. Please don’t leave.

NC: (as Mark) Dude, I like dicks, okay? I like dicks. I didn’t know you wanted that spelled out for you.

(Mark eventually gives in to Lisa's advances, and both he and Lisa make out in the apartment's staircase)

NC (vo): But ultimately, he does give in, as Mark and Lisa partake in spiral stair sex. (Beat) Interesting location. But more important things are going on, like Johnny buying his girlfriend some flowers.

(We cut to Johnny buying some roses at a flower shop. All the dialogue featured in the scene is spoken very quickly)

Johnny: (approaching the counter) Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?

Flower seller: Oh, hi, Johnny. I didn't know it was you.

NC (vo): What, wh...

Flower seller: (gives Johnny the roses) Here you go.

Johnny: That's me.

NC (vo): Huh? What the...

Johnny: How much is it?

Flower seller: That'll be $18.

Johnny: (gives the seller some money) Here you go, keep the change.

NC (vo): Hey, what?

Johnny: (pets the dog on the counter) Hi, doggy.

Flower seller: You’re my favorite customer.

NC (vo): What?

Johnny: (walking out of the store) Thanks a lot. Bye.

NC (vo): Wait...

Flower seller: Bye-bye.

NC: Okay, hold on! What just happened?!

NC (vo): I mean, I know he's just buying her some flowers, but...I think they were reading the script backwards or something. In fact, let's analyze this scene. I mean, I know I'm nitpicking, but this whole 20 seconds really fascinates me.

(The whole scene of Johnny at the flower shop replays, pausing every time NC speaks)

Johnny: (approaching the counter) Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?

Flower seller: Oh, hi, Johnny. I didn't know it was you.

NC (vo): You didn't know it was him? You didn't recognize the five-foot, girly-haired French zombie until he took off his sunglasses?

Flower seller: (gives Johnny the roses) Here you go.

Johnny: That's me.

NC (vo): Why did he say that? She didn't give him any reason to say that. Is that just his random catchphrase of the day?

Johnny: How much is it?

Flower seller: That'll be $18.

Johnny: (gives the seller some money) Here you go, keep the change. (Pets the dog on the counter) Hi, doggy.

Flower seller: You're my favorite customer.

Johnny: (walking out of the store) Thanks a lot. Bye.

(Johnny then leaves the store and then walks back to his car)

NC (VO): And what was up with the rushed pace of that last couple seconds? Did they only have enough money to rent the store for like two minutes so they had to shoot it really fast?

(NC mimics Johnny walking into the flower shop)

NC: (imitating Johnny) Hello, I would like to buy a dozen roses.

Offscreen tough guy (voiced by NC): Hey, jackass! I'm closing the store in 30 seconds!

NC: (imitating Johnny very fast) Here's the money, keep the change. Hello, doggy. Bye! (Walks away)

(Back at the apartment, Denny again comes in to see Lisa)

Lisa: Hey, Denny. How are you doing?

Denny: I’m fine. You look beautiful today. Can I kiss you?

(NC stares in confusion and shock)

Lisa: You are such a little brat.

Denny: I’m just kidding! I love you and Johnny.

(NC continues to stare, weirded out)

NC: You know, this movie's awkward enough, kid. It doesn't need your help.

(We see Johnny come back home)

Johnny: Hi, babe. (Gives Lisa the roses) These are for you.

Lisa: Did you get your promotion?

Johnny: Nah.

(Johnny sits down on the couch as Lisa also sits down next to him)

Lisa: You didn’t get it, did you?

NC (vo): What part of "nah" did you not understand?

Johnny: They betrayed me, they didn’t keep their promise, they tricked me, and I don’t care anymore.

NC: (briefly face-palms) Oh, Jesus. You know, Jean-Claude Van Damme could be an English teacher compared to this guy.

Lisa: You need a drink.

NC (vo): So she makes him a drink of Vodka, as they get ready for another night of slow, awkward sex.

(Johnny and Lisa spend the night drinking and again slowly preparing to make out with each other)

NC (vo; as Johnny): Ha-ha-ha, let's role-play. You be Sonya Blade and I'll be a terrible actor.

(The screen suddenly goes static and then cuts to Linkara in his room, who also looks terrified)

Linkara: Don't do it, Critic! There's still time!

NC: Linkara?

Linkara: You don't wanna sit through The Room. It sucks out your mind and replaces it with stupid!

NC: Damn it, Linkara! I made a promise to get through this film, and, by God, I’m gonna keep it!

Linkara: You're mad, Critic. MAD!

NC: Begone!

Linkara: (immediately calm) Okay. (Casually walks off)

(After Johnny and Lisa spend another night together in their bed, the next morning, Claudette comes back to visit Lisa and speak with her)

NC (vo): So after Johnny and Lisa take another week to have sex, Lisa's mother drops by again to give more advice.

Claudette: Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me, and I'm dying.

Lisa: You're not dying, Mom.

Claudette: I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer.

NC (vo): Yikes! Well, gee, you’re taking it pretty well.

Lisa: Look, don't worry about it. Everything will be fine.

NC (vo): And she's taking it despicably well, too. I'm so glad this wasn't any SERIOUS bad news, you know, like, maybe Lisa's getting bored or something.

Claudette: Well, at least you have a good man.

Lisa: You're wrong. He didn't get his promotion. And he got drunk last night, and he hit me.

Claudette: (looking shocked) Johnny doesn't drink!

NC: (laughs) She just admitted that he hits her, and the mother's like, "Johnny doesn't drink...I know he hits you like a football player's wife, but he doesn't drink!"

(The film then cuts to another couple named Mike and Michelle walking into the empty apartment)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, two friends of Lisa come spontaneously out of nowhere to sneak into her apartment and have sex.

Mike: (eating a box of chocolates) Did you know that chocolate is the symbol of love?

NC: (as Mike) Did you also know that when it rains, huh-huh, people get wet?

(Just as Mike and Michelle are about to start making out, Lisa and Claudette come in)

Claudette: Hello...? (Lisa laughs) What are these characters doing here?

NC (vo): I don't know! They serve no purpose to the story and bring the film to yet another complete halt, so I guess you'll have to ask the English-challenged director.

(Later, as Denny is playing some ball on the apartment's rooftop, a criminal named Chris-R suddenly appears and confronts him)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, Denny is confronted with some bad news.

Chris-R: You have my money, right?

Denny: Yeah. It's coming. It'll be here in a few minutes.

Chris-R: I haven't got five fucking minutes! (Wrestles Denny to the ground with a gun to his head) Where's my fucking money, Denny?!

NC (vo): Hey, I think this is how the movie was financed.

Chris-R: Where's my money?

Denny: I don't have anything!

Chris-R: Where's my money, Denny?

(A clip from The Big Lebowski is shown)

Dude: It's down there somewhere, let me take another look. (His head is stuffed down a toilet by a thug)

(Johnny and Mark suddenly arrive and tackle Chris-R down, taking him away and saving Denny, who is confronted by both Lisa and Claudette)

NC (vo): But luckily, Johnny and his friends are there to save the day.

Lisa: What did that man want from you?

Denny: Nothing!

Claudette: Oh, that was not nothing!

Lisa: Tell me everything!

Claudette: You have no idea what kind of trouble you're in here, do you?

NC: (as Claudette) Yeah, kid, how dare you have a madman point a gun at you! That's really inconsiderate.

Denny: I owe him some money.

Lisa: What kind of money?

Denny: I bought some drugs off of him. Things got mixed up, I didn't mean for this to happen.

NC: Oh, but, Denny, don't you know...

(We briefly cut to footage from Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue focusing on the "Wonderful Ways to Say No" song, which NC dances to)

Claudette: A man holds a gun on you, you almost got killed, you expect me to forget that?

Denny: You're not my fucking mother!

Claudette: You listen to me, boy! (Pulls Denny roughly towards her)

Lisa: No, no!

(NC laughs at the moment of Claudette pulling Denny)

Claudette: Somebody had better do something around here!

NC (vo; as Claudette): Or Granny'll bust a cap in your ass!

(Johnny and Mark return)

Johnny: Are you okay, Denny?

Claudette: What's okay? He's taking drugs.

Johnny: Let's go home.

Lisa: Denny, you know that Johnny's like your father, and we're your friends. We're gonna help you.

Johnny: Let’s go home. (Walks away with Denny and Lisa)

NC (vo; as Denny): Hey, Johnny, what was the point of that scene? (as Johnny) Never question me or I cut you.

(We next cut to Mark at his home speaking with Lisa on the phone)

Lisa: I miss you.

Mark: I just saw you. What are you talking about?

NC (vo): So, yeah, Lisa invites Mark over again, as Johnny finally heard the lie that Lisa told about him.

(Johnny is shown walking to the rooftop, frustrated about something)

Johnny: I did not hit her. It’s not true. It’s bullshit. I did not hit her. I did NOT. (Throws his water bottle away and then notices something) Oh, hi, Mark.

(NC looks on in sheer horror as the scene begins to replay)

Johnny: I did not hit her. It's not true...

NC: No, no, no, no, no! Don't play it again. I think the evidence is very clear. That is the worst piece of acting that has ever been put on film!

NC (vo): I mean, my God! Not one inflection was right, not one word was said correctly, not one breath of air made me believe anything that he was saying! There are middle school plays that put on better performances than that couple of seconds. That was like the Nirvana of bad acting. The Holy Grail! All hail to you, Your Lameness!

Johnny: I did not hit her. I did NOT. (Throws his water bottle away and then notices something) Oh, hi, Mark.

(In a homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey, a fetus with Wiseau’s head appears with the supertitle "You Have Reached Enlightenment!")

Deep Voice: By God, was that bad!

(Back to the movie. Johnny speaks with Mark on the rooftop)

Mark: You think girls like to cheat like guys do?

Johnny: What makes you say that?

Mark: I'm just thinking. I used to know a girl, she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up so bad, she ended up in a hospital in Guerrero Street.

(Johnny laughs)

NC: Ha-ha-ha-ha, that's not funny, you sick fuck.

Johnny: (badly dubbed over) What a story, Mark.

Mark: Yeah, you can say that again.

NC (vo): I think he just did. That line was horribly dubbed.

Johnny: What a story, Mark.

Mark: Yeah, you can say that again.

NC: (imitating Johnny’s bad voice dubbing) Oh, can I? Thank you.

(Mark leaves. Denny comes in)

Denny: Hey, Johnny.

Johnny: Oh, hi, Denny.

Denny: What's wrong with Mark?

Johnny: He's cranky today. (Laughs)

NC (vo): Stop laughing at things that aren't funny, you goddamn weirdo! And why is there no wind blowing in their hair?

Denny: It's about Lisa.

Johnny: Go on.

Denny: She looks great in her red dress. I think I'm in love with her.

Johnny: Go on.

NC: Go on? What, you need more?

Denny: I feel like I wanna kiss her and tell her that I love her.

Johnny: Don’t worry about that. Lisa loves you, too, as a person, as a human being.

NC (vo): Wow, people take shockingly bad news really well in this movie. Did everybody just take a Xanax cocktail in this story?

Johnny: You can love someone deep inside your heart and there is nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people loved each other, the world would be a better place to live.

NC: (imitating Johnny) You can read about it in my new book, "The Tao of Johnny". (A book with that exact title is shown) It’s real good, huh?

Johnny: If you have any problems, talk to me and I will help you.

Denny: Awesome. Thanks, Johnny.

Johnny: Let's go eat, huh? (Leaves the rooftop with Denny)

NC (vo): Oh, gee. Can we eat HUH? I never had HUH before. Is there a HUH restaurant somewhere around here?

(Johnny returns home to speak with Lisa, who is not in the mood to speak with him)

NC (vo): So Johnny comes home as Lisa's friend, Michelle, is just leaving.

Lisa: I can't talk right now.

Johnny: Why, Lisa? Why, Lisa? Please talk to me, please! You’re lying, I never hit you! You are tearing me apart, Lisa!

NC: (with head in hands) Oh, my God.

Lisa: Why are you so hysterical?

Johnny: Do you understand life? Do you?

NC (vo): You know what? I got it. You know what this guy is? He's the Bizarro Fabio. Same hokey acting, same undefinable accent, except where Fabio was muscular and good-looking, this guy is...

(The earlier scene of a nude Johnny walking out of his bedroom is shown again)

NC: (whimpers in disgust) Never show that again! (Makes a sharp exhale)

(One day, Johnny, Mark, Denny and Mike hang out in the alley, throwing a football. The playing stops when Mark accidentally causes Mike to fall to the ground)

NC (vo): So the guys meet up and throw a football in the alley because...that’s what guys do, I Mark lightly taps one of his friends and he falls over like a clumsy ox. What the point of this sequence? Nothing. You could pretty much make trading cards out of how many pointless sequences there are in this movie!

Johnny: Let's go home, Denny. (Walks away with Denny)

NC (vo): Boy, he really wants to get that kid home a lot, doesn’t he?

NC: I'm not gonna question anything, but I am gonna play this music.

(The scene of Johnny and Denny walking away replays in slow-mo while "I Will Always Love You" by the late Whitney Houston plays in the background. Later, Claudette again comes into the apartment to speak with Lisa, as unknown to them, Johnny overhears their conversation from the staircase)

NC (VO): So Lisa's mother comes over AGAIN to have yet another tedious dialogue.

Claudette: I expected your husband to be a little more generous.

Lisa: He's not my husband.

Claudette: I know, but Johnny is part of our family.

Lisa: Mom, I don't love Johnny anymore. I don't even like him.

NC: Didn't we have this conversation like five other times? She's like,.. (Imitates Claudette) "You should like Johnny." (Imitates Lisa) "I don't." (Imitates Claudette) "You're a slut." (Imitates Lisa) "Yes." (Normal voice, angry) WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT?!

(Later, Mark and Johnny are shown speaking with their other friend, Peter)

NC (vo): So Johnny and Mark sit down and have a talk with their other good friend, Peter.

Mark: Hey, are you running, um, Bay-to-Breakers this year?

Johnny: I am, sure.

Peter: No, I'm not doing it this year.

Johnny: (laughs) Chicken, Peter. You're just a little chicken. Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheeeeeeep!

NC: This has been another... (A "Pointless Moment" sting appears in front of NC) Pointless Moment.

'(The screen once more suddenly goes static and then cuts' to Spoony in his room. Just like Lupa and Linkara before, Spoony also looks terrified)

Spoony: No, Critic! Don't do it!

NC: Spoony?

Spoony: Don't throw your life away, it's not worth it!

NC: Okay, look. I’m getting through this movie and that's final.

Spoony: No, Critic! Nobody should be forced to watch Highlander II!

NC: Highlander II? I'm not reviewing Highlander II.

Spoony: (relieved) Oh, good. For a minute there, I thought you'd gone totally insane. That's a relief. So, tell me, uh, what movie are you reviewing?

NC: Well, I'm reviewing The Room.

(Upon hearing that, Spoony screams like a girl and runs out of his room)

NC: Thanks for that.

(One day, Johnny, Mark, Peter and Denny, all dressed in tuxedos, speak with each other in the apartment)

NC (vo): So all the guys get dressed up in their tuxedos as I guess they’re getting ready to go to the wedding.

(The four men go outside to throw a football in the street)

NC (vo): Oh, wait, no, they’re going out to throw the football around again. Okay, well, then are they going to the wedding?

(The film cuts to Mark and Johnny, now wearing normal clothes, visiting a restaurant)

NC (vo): No, they just take ‘em off and go on with their daily lives. (Beat) Do they always wear tuxes when they play football? Is that just an everyday occurrence for them?

NC: (mimics an excited person speaking on the phone) What's that? You're going to play football? Oh, great, I'll go and put on my finest tux! Oh, wait, no, no, no, I'm getting married tomorrow, so I gotta iron out my jersey.

Johnny: We got a new client at the bank, we'll make a lot of money.

Mark: What client?

Johnny: I cannot tell you, it's confidential.

Mark: Oh, come on. Why not?

Johnny: No, I can't. Anyway, how is your sex life?

(NC spits out the drink that he happened to be drinking at that point upon hearing that line)

Mark: I can't talk about it.

Johnny: Why not?

NC: Why not? How about you just brought it the fuck out of nowhere, you...weird alien man!

(Later, Mark comes over to the apartment to see Lisa)

NC (vo): And, yeah, speaking of awkward, Lisa invites Mark over for another night of thrills.

Mark: What's going on here?

NC (vo): Oh, my God, do you need landing lights to the bed?! She wants to sleep with you! That's the thing she does every other stinking time you're over, you fucking idiot!

(Lisa and Mark make out in Johnny's bed, but the scene is fast-forwarded)

NC (vo): Yeah, yeah, yeah. Insert gratuitous sex scene here. So then we cut to...

(The film cuts to Johnny and Mark playing football in the park)

NC (vo): Holy shit! Do these guys do anything else other than play football? This is unbelievable. Hell, they're not even playing football, they're just throwing it back and forth! Do they even know the rules of football? Why don't you get a new hobby? You know, like Mark. He's made a wonderful hobby out of screwing his best friend's fiancée and yet acting totally surprised every time he does it!

(Mark again visits Lisa at her apartment. Lisa takes her top off in front of Mark)

Lisa: Come on.

Mark: Uh, what are you doing?

Lisa: Nothing.

(NC bashes his head against the wall in total annoyance as Lisa and Mark yet again prepare to make out. The film then cuts to Claudette again coming over to visit Lisa)

NC (vo): Boy, this movie isn't nearly repetitive enough, though. Why don't we have yet another talk with Lisa's mother, as they discuss the same thing they discussed in the last three conversations.

Lisa: I'm fixing the apartment for Johnny’s birthday, but I’m really not into it.

Claudette: Oh, why not?

NC: Wait, wait, wait, I'm keen to guess. (Clears throat) "I'm in love with Mark, not Johnny".

Lisa: I'm in love with Mark, not Johnny.

NC: "It's not right, Lisa!"

Claudette: It's not right, Lisa.

NC: Skip it!

(The scene fast-fowards and moves over to the next scene, showing Johnny arriving at his surprise birthday party attended by all his friends)

NC (vo): So after Johnny returns from his Grima Wormtongue audition, we see a surprise party being thrown for his birthday.

(Johnny and his friends drink and chat with each other as the scene suddenly changes to a night shot of the city)

NC (vo): Okay, enough of that scene. (The scene returns to the party) And now back to that scene. What, was that the screensaver while the movie loads?

(The city shot replays with a loading bar and subtitle "Loading Dick Sauce of a Movie...")

Lisa: Hey, everybody, let's go outside for some fresh air. (Everyone leaves except Lisa and Mark) Wait. I have something I wanna show you.

Mark: Oh, really?

NC (vo; as Mark): Hey, what's going on here?

(Lisa and Mark prepare to make out once again)

NC (vo): That's right. Just make out during your own fiancée's birthday party. What in all probability could go wrong?

(A man named Steven suddenly comes in and catches Lisa and Mark in the act)

Steven: What's going on here?

NC (vo): Oh, yeah, there's tons of people around and you can get caught at any minute.

Steven: (to Lisa) Do you understand what you're doing? You're going to destroy Johnny! He's very sensitive.

NC: (as Steven) That's right, you listen to me...whoever I am!

(As Lisa and Mark argue with each other, Johnny steps in and joins the argument)

NC (vo): So as the night goes on, Mark and Johnny start to get on each other’s nerves.

Mark: You really don't know, do you?

Johnny: Maybe I know more than you think I do, Mark!

Mark: Shit, all right.

Johnny: What do you want from me, huh?

(He pushes Mark away. Mark immediately attacks Johnny and they fight alongside superimposed cat noises, but they quickly stop)

Johnny: All right, all right! Okay, folks, everything is fine. The fight is over. I'm sorry, Mark.

NC (vo): Well, good. It looks like that's over with.

(When Lisa flaunts her affair with Mark in front of Johnny, he confronts Mark again)

Mark: I just wanna talk to you.

Johnny: Since when do you give me orders?

(NC looks fed up)

Mark: 'Cause Lisa changed her mind about you. (Johnny scoffs) Wake up, man! What planet are you on?

NC: That's the first legitimate question I've heard throughout this movie.

Johnny: I think you should leave right now, Mark.

Mark: Don't worry about it, man.

Johnny: (pushes Mark away) Don't touch me, motherfucker! Get out.

(Mark and Johnny again fight over superimposed cat noises as Lisa attempts to break it up)

Lisa: Stop it! Stop it!

Johnny: You betrayed me, you’re not good! You’re, you're just a chicken! Cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep-cheep!

NC (vo; as Mark): Nobody poorly imitates my favorite farm animal!

(The party guests eventually break up the fight)

Man: It's over!

Johnny: It’s not over! Everybody betrayed me. I’m fed up with this world! (Walks away)

NC (vo; chuckles): Oh, geez. You know, it’s like Christopher Walken if they sucked out all likability.

(We briefly cut to a clip of Christopher Walken on Saturday Night Live)

Christopher Walken: Ouch.

(After the party, Johnny locks himself in the bathroom in despair)

NC (vo): So Johnny locks himself in the bathroom and refuses to come out.

Lisa: You can come out now, Johnny.

Johnny: In a few minutes, bitch.

NC (vo): Say, you know what this seems like a perfect time to do?

(Lisa calls Mark on the phone)

Mark: Hello?

Lisa: Hi, Mark, I need to talk to you.

NC (vo; as Johnny): Oh, God, are you serious?!

Lisa: Don’t worry about Johnny, he’s just being a big baby.

NC (vo; as Johnny): I’m standing right here, man!

Lisa: You know I love you very much.

NC (vo; as Johnny): You're tearing me apart, Lisa!

(After an outraged Johnny berates Lisa for betraying him, which prompts her to end their relationship permanently and live with Mark, Johnny kicks Lisa out of the apartment, and then has an emotional breakdown)

NC (vo): So Johnny finally throws the bitch out as he throws the most over-the-top and yet somehow nonchalant temper tantrum.

Johnny: (walking down the stairs while screaming) Why, Lisa? Why?! Why?! You bitch!

(Johnny trashes the apartment by, not so much throwing objects, but pushing and moving things, leaning a picture on the camera that is filming him and removing clothing drawers)

NC (vo; as Johnny): Yeah, I'm angry, I guess. Roar! Roar! I'm really mean and frustrated, huh? This is what angry people do, right, huh?

(Johnny breaks a mirror, and then sits down and brings out a gun)

NC (vo): Finally, Johnny can take it no more. He puts this godforsaken performance to a stop.

(Johnny puts the gun in his mouth and shoots, killing himself. The scene fades to black, then quickly returns as Lisa and Mark enter the next morning, finding Johnny on the floor)

Mark: Wake up, Johnny! Come on!

NC (vo): Wake up? I don’t think you really wake up from a bullet in the mouth!

Lisa: Is he dead?

(NC stares in complete shock, and frustratingly re-enacts the moment, trying to comprehend what Lisa just said, but before he loses it, he calmly says...)

NC: (quoting Monty Python's Dead Parrot sketch.) Well, yes. Yes, he is, young lady. He has passed on. This person is no more. He has ceased to be.

NC (vo): He's expired and gone to meet his maker. He's a stiff. Bereft of life! He rests in peace! If he didn't shoot himself, he'd be pushing up daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket! He's shuffled off the mortal coil! Run down the curtain and joined the friggin' choir invisible!


(A clip from the famous Monty Python "Dead Parrot" sketch is shown)

Pet store owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then.

NC: GOOOODDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!

As Lisa cries, Mark kisses Johnny on the forehead)

NC (vo; as a British narrator): Goodnight, sweet prick. And flights of assholes sing thee to thy rest.

Lisa: I’ve lost him, but I still have you, right? Right?

NC (vo): Wow! That's a clumsy rebound.

Mark: (moves away from Lisa) You don’t have me.

Lisa: Mark, we’re free to be together. I love you.

NC: (as Lisa) Come on, we’ll have sex on his corpse! It’ll be tons of fun!

(Denny comes in, terrified)

Denny: What’s happening?!

Mark: Don’t look, Denny.

Denny: Johnny’s dead!

(The three people stay and comfort each other over Johnny's body as the police arrive and the scene fades out, ending the movie)

NC (vo; as a British narrator): For never has there been a tale of more blow, than this dumbass bitch and her Tommy Wiseau.

NC: And that's The Room. Christity-Christ-Christ-Christ!

(Footage of The Room plays as NC speaks)

NC (vo): This movie is a miracle. I've never seen a performance so consistently bad or writing so hypnotizingly lame. But to be honest, I know you're going to think I'm crazy, it's really worth checking out. It truly is one of those movies you have to see to believe. Nobody could willingly make a movie this interestingly bad. It had to be the warped mindset of some weirdo whose international origins remain a mystery. So, if you're really up for some absolutely horrible, yet surprisingly entertaining shit, this movie is for you.

NC: And that's my review. I hope you enjoyed it and...

(The future NC suddenly comes back)

Future NC: Critic, we've got to go! They're on to us!

NC: Why, what's going...?

(Two seahorses suddenly enter the basement)

Seahorse 1: Are you watching The Room?

Seahorse 2: You know that movie is outlawed!

Seahorses: Seize them!

NC: Eeee!

Future NC: Vamonos!

(The two Critics flee the basement, and we are again shown a clip from Back to the Future as the DeLorean blasts the two Critics back to the present. NC is then shown back in his old room)

NC: Ahh, well, I gotta admit, after going through all that, it sure is nice to be back in my old room. (NC curiously looks around and notices his wall is a different color) Hey, how come my wall's a bit of a different color? (Suddenly becomes frightened) Oh, my God. I traveled back and forth so much that it must have altered the present! What if the machines have taken over? What if human and apes have switched places? What if all cops are judge, jury and executioner? What if Chris Tucker is a sci-fi radio announcer in a dress? What?! WHAT?!?!?!

Future NC: Actually, nothing's different. Your wall's just a bit of a different color.

NC: Really? That's it? No other huge, mind-boggling alterations at all?

Future NC: Nope. Just a different wall. Oh, that, and you have a tail now.

(NC looks at his backside, then shrugs)

NC: Well, that'll take a little getting used to. Welcome to my new location. I hope you enjoy it, and, as always: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.

(NC gets up and leaves. It's obvious, though, that there is no tail)


Channel Awesome Tagline: Johnny: You are tearing me apart, Lisa!