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The Ring
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Release Date
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October 13, 2021
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Running Time
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25:26
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Video
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(The Channel Awesome logo plays, followed by the 2021 Nostalgia-Ween opening. NC then walks into a dressing room, carrying a binder labeled "The Plot".)
NC: Hey, you ready to shoot The Ring review?
(Malcolm and Tamara are dressed like pirates.)
Malcolm: Yep, all costumed up.
Tamara: I'm sorry, but what do pirates have to do with The Ring?
NC: I don't know, I'll figure it out later.
Malcolm: Well, at least we know you survived watching it.
NC: Yeah, right. Last week when I put it on, I wasn't sure–
Malcolm: Wait a minute, you watched it one week ago?
NC: (concerned) Yeah, why?
Tamara: You didn't wait seven days?
NC: Oh, come on, we're doing this shit?
Malcolm: Tell me you didn't watch it on tape.
NC: I specifically watched it on tape to see if it would be any scarier.
Tamara: CHEESE AND CRACKERS! Are you insane?!
NC: Oh, relax! I didn't even get a call from–
(Suddenly, he is interrupted by his phone vibrating. Ominous music plays as he answers it and his colleagues glance at one another.)
NC: (answering phone) Hello? (beat) Seven days? (Malcolm and Tamara both gasp.) Well, it's my favorite scary movie. The call is coming from inside the house? Malcolm and Tamara should eat my sweet buttery taint?
(Exasperated, Malcolm and Tamara both leave.)
NC: I haven't extended my car warranty?! FUCK! (follows his coworkers out) Malcolm! Tamara! These premium prices! My refrigerator is running?! Oh, my God, I better go catch it!
(He follows after his coworkers into the living room, but then stops as he spots something on the TV screen: a creepy forest. NC takes the TV remote and turns the TV off. But suddenly, there is the sound of static as the TV mysteriously turns back on.)
NC: Malcolm, Tamara, are you doing this?
Malcolm: What are you talking about?
(He and Tamara walk up and spot the TV on. This time, however, in addition to the creepy forest, an even creepier girl in a torn dress with her head down and her hair obscuring her face (basically resembling Samara Morgan from The Ring) appears. She inches toward the camera. NC, Malcolm and Tamara react in fear. Tamara aims her pirate pistol at the creepy girl. NC quickly changes the channel on the TV screen, hoping to get rid of her. The channel changes to an episode of The Simpsons, showing Homer and Bart. Homer is lying on the floor with a TV suspended in midair over his face. But the creepy girl is still there.)
Homer: I had this idea years ago.
NC: Oh, hey, Simpsons.
Malcolm: What else is on?
Homer: Shows how much she– (TV falls and lands on his face) D'oh!
(NC changes the channel to The Wicker Man, but the girl is in there.)
Tamara: Hey, is that Wicker Man?
(In the movie, the creepy girl and another girl both get run over by a passing truck. NC, Malcolm and Tamara sit down on the black couch.)
NC: Hey, this is fun!
(He changes the channel again. Now the creepy girl appears in a Road Runner cartoon. She stands next to Wile E. Coyote, who is about to blow up the Road Runner with some dynamite attached to a detonator, unaware that the dynamite is underneath the detonator. The Coyote pushes down on the detonator's plunger and the creepy girl tries to shield herself from the resultant blast. Both the girl and the Coyote are charred and dazed, but otherwise unhurt. NC, Malcolm and Tamara all laugh at what just happened.)
NC: (looks into camera) I guess I never found The Ring that scary.
(The title for The Ring is shown, followed by footage of the movie.)
NC (vo): With that said, I have learned to appreciate other aspects of it.
(Shots of the possessed Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist and David from A.I. Artificial Intelligence are shown.)
NC (vo): Scary children are not a new thing in horror films, but the image of a little girl in a torn dress with hair covering her face has become an instant icon.
(Different shots of Samara Morgan, the creepy girl in the movie, are shown, all from beyond the movie itself.)
NC (vo): You see this visual everywhere now...
(A shot of Samara in the logo for Blumhouse Productions is shown.)
NC (vo): ...even in logos for other horror studios. Released in 2002 and based on the '98 Japanese film Ringu, I'll admit, I didn't like Gore Verbinski's film when it first came out.
(The posters for the following horror movies are shown: Gothika, House of Wax, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2, What Lies Beneath, The Haunting, and Thir13en Ghosts.)
NC (vo): Scary movies were not exactly the most subtle back then and relied way too much on bad CG effects. I wanted more quiet and subtle frightening films.
(More posters for later horror movies are shown: Oculus and Hereditary.)
NC (vo): Over the years, though, we have gotten more of that variety, and looking back, I actually see this as a good segue to them. The Ring is a little slower and quieter, compared to your average blockbuster horror flick. So I think it serves as a good transition from something like Jason X to something like Haunting of Hill House. But come on, is there really nothing that got under my skin with this movie? Am I really saying a visual of this icon couldn't possibly couldn't creep me out, even a little?
Malcolm: Oh, look! She's in the movie Karen now!
(We see the creepy girl inside Karen.)
Karen (Taryn Manning): (to Imani) There she is, slaving away in the kitchen...
(The creepy girl clutches at her head and screams.)
NC: (shrugs) Eh, let's take a closer look at The Ring.
Tamara: (looking at her phone) Ooh! Human Centipede is on!
(Smiling, NC changes the channel. We then cut to the beginning of The Ring.)
NC (vo): It opens with two girls... Wait...
NC: (holds up index finger) This is Gore Verbinski and early 2000s? Puke green, everybody!
(He snaps his fingers. The girls in the movie are bathed in an eerie green light.)
NC (vo): ...who are giving away part of the film's commentary before the film even starts.
Katie Embry (Amber Tamblyn): I hate television. All the molecules in our heads are all unstable. All the companies know about it, but they're not doing anything about it.
NC: I remember when Candyman opened up with...
(A shot of the original Candyman is shown, with a word balloon added to Helen Lyle, who says...)
NC (vo): ..."Hey I Think Racism's Still a Thing."
NC: What am I talking about? (The poster for the 2021 remake of Candyman appears beside him.) It does now!
NC (vo): To the film's credit, there's not a ton of commentary being hammered in. Actually, I think its most subtle take is about a half hour in. But we do get one small miracle: (The posters for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, The Lone Ranger and A Cure for Wellness are shown.) two-and-a-half-hour-running-time Gore Verbinski getting straight to the point!
Becca Kotler (Rachael Bella): (to Katie) Have you heard about this videotape that kills you when you watch it? You start to play it, and it's like somebody's nightmare.
NC: (as Becca) It's called (The poster for the following appears off to the side...) The Star Wars Holiday Special.
NC (vo): Kate, played by Amber Tamblyn, is told about the urban legend that when you watch the tape, you get a phone call saying you'll die in seven days. Coincidentally, Katie happens to have seen this tape exactly seven days earlier. Again, it's Gore Verbinski; I'm just glad they didn't have to take (An image of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End is inserted.) an hour sailing to figure that out.
(Katie talks on the phone as she gets something out of the refrigerator.)
Katie: Okay. Yeah, I will. Okay! Okay. Yeah, yeah.
NC: Okay, (holds up two fingers) two points for not having anything behind the fridge. I think even the "chung" music was shocked by that.
(As Katie shuts the fridge door, the "chung" sound is heard.)
NC (vo; as offscreen voice): Oh, sorry, my bad. Oh, there's always something there. (normal) Sure enough, weird shit does start happening, as the TV turns on, her bedroom pisses itself, and Katie is killed via (exaggerated voice) extreme close-up! WHOA!
(As a screaming Katie meets her end, the screen cuts off, replaced with static.)
NC: I love this movie knows the importance of few frame scares.
(A montage of clips of other horror movies are shown, all depicting few frame scares.)
NC (vo): Some of my favorite movies have frame scares, because while the image alone can be frightening, showing only a glimpse, barely allowing you to comprehend what you just saw leaves you even more uncomfortable.
(Cut back to The Ring, showing a freeze frame of Katie screaming before she is killed.)
NC (vo): Same thing here. That face is pretty creepy. But show it for only a split second...
(The scene of the screaming Katie getting killed is repeated, followed by a shot of Elaine Marie Benes from an episode of Seinfeld.)
NC (vo): Yikes!
NC: I give credit, too, that this isn't just an unrelated kill.
NC (vo): A lot of horror films start off with a random person being axed off just to show what the killer is capable of. But here, the death kickstarts the story, as Katie is the cousin of Aidan, who's the son of our lead, a journalist named Rachel, played by Naomi Watts. He's...not adjusting well.
(At Aidan's school, his teacher is disturbed by some creepy drawings he made and talks to Rachel about them.)
Teacher: Ms. Keller, I'm bothered by these drawings.
NC: (as teacher) I mean, the composition, the color scheme... This is first grade material, and he's a second grade boy!
Rachel: He's not the talkative type.
Teacher: That doesn't mean he has nothing to say.
(Rachel stares at the teacher.)
NC: (as Rachel) Don't make me give you my...
(As we cut back to Rachel, an image of Elizabeth Holmes giving a similar expression as Rachel is shown in the corner.)
NC (vo; as Rachel): ...Elizabeth Holmes stare. (normal) While they get ready for Katie's funeral, we discover the first big twist of the movie: she's raising a Culkin!
Aidan: We don't have enough time. I'm talking about time before we die. (goes to bed) Good night, Rachel.
NC: All right, we already got (holds up index finger as a shot of Samara is shown) one creepy kid in this movie, and unless you want to...
(Another shot replaces the original one of Samara, this one showing Samara and Aidan dressed as the creepy twins from The Shining.)
NC: ...wear a blue dress, we're keeping it that way.
NC (vo): I'm also glad the movie has a lot of quiet moments.
(Cut to a brief clip of the earlier Ringu.)
NC (vo): The original Ringu was great at building up this atmosphere of dread.
(Cut back to The Ring.)
NC (vo): And while I don't think this one does it quite as well, remember, most scary movies then had constant music and lame jump scares.
(The posters for Malignant, It: Chapter Two, The Conjuring and Black Christmas are shown.)
NC (vo; scoffs): Them. So I appreciate they let an uncomfortable moment just be an uncomfortable moment. Speaking of which, while Aidan tries not to be Cole from The Sixth Sense, Rachel comforts her sister, but is interrupted by...one of the few legit jump scares I've seen in a movie.
Rachel: (whispering) I saw her face.
(Rachel is seen opening a closet door and sees Katie's corpse in there, her mouth agape and her eyes rolled up. Her head falls over.)
NC: You sure she didn't watch (The poster for The Star Wars Holiday Special is shown again.) the Holiday Special?
(A similar scene in Ringu is shown for a comparison to The Ring.)
NC (vo): They did the same shot in Ringu, but something I've discovered is, while Ringu had better buildup, The Ring has better payoffs. This isn't bad, but...
(The scene from The Ring is replayed.)
NC (vo): ...this is a "Scary Stories" illustration. (The cover of "Scary Stories Treasury" is shown off to the side.) For a film that's technically PG-13, they get away with some pretty disturbing imagery.
Kellen (Adam Brody): (to Rachel) It's about the tape.
Rachel: What tape?
Kellen: The one that kills you when you watch it.
NC (vo): Rachel finds out about the tape by talking to her friends, and she decides to do a story on it, whether her boss likes it or not.
(At her job, Rachel is talking on the phone about the mysterious tape when her boss shows up.)
Boss (Brian Cox): "Punctilious prick"? You're fired.
Rachel: No, I'm not. I'm cooking too good a story.
Boss: What is it?
Rachel: Shh! (Startled, her boss walks off.)
NC: (as Rachel's boss) Okay, I'm gonna ask Jeffrey Lebowski for his rent.
NC (vo): She makes her way to where Katie and her now-deceased friends saw the video and... (He sees the Innkeeper, played by Richard Lineback.) Uh-oh...
NC: I smell a Shyamalan character.
Rachel: (entering the Shelter Mountain Inn) Hello, I'm–
Innkeeper: (interrupting, holding up some playing cards to her) Pick a card.
(Rachel takes one of the cards, revealed as a nine of diamonds. The innkeeper holds up a card of his own: a queen of hearts.)
Innkeeper: Heart?
Rachel: No.
Innkeeper: (glancing at his card) Damn.
NC: (as Innkeeper) Uh, do you like hot dogs? Uh, what's your name and occupation?! GOD, I need a quirk!
Innkeeper: (holding up a seven of spades) This is your card, right? (Rachel smiles smugly.)
NC: You don't work here, do you?
NC (vo): He shows her the only tapes they have on the grounds that Katie might have watched.
Innkeeper: We bought tape players for videos.
(He gestures toward a shelf full of videotapes that are free for lending to guests.)
Rachel: Quite a selection.
NC: Heh! Nowadays, that would be.
NC (vo): She steals the one unmarked tape, goes to their cabin located by the Six Feet Under tree, and puts on the mysterious VHS.
(On the TV, the tape shows a chair, followed by a woman brushing herself.)
NC (vo): I know this is supposed to be scary, but honestly, it just looks like a college student's thesis film. If you don't get it, you don't get me!
(Suddenly, the phone rings.)
NC (vo): Sure enough, she gets a call telling her the bad news.
(Rachel answers the phone.)
Voice on phone: Seven days...
NC (vo; as Stitch on phone): "Ohana" means "your ass is grass"! (as Lilo, on phone) Stitch! ("Stitch" is heard cackling on phone.)
NC (vo): She goes to Noah, played by Martin Henderson, who is a video...a photogra– kinda...pher? Something that clearly makes bank. He's also Aidan's father. Oh, wait, we're not supposed to know that yet. It's a...kind of pointless twist later. Don't worry, you wouldn't have been that surprised anyway.
(Noah takes a look at a camera to see some pictures taken on it of Rachel.)
Noah: This is the same camera?
Rachel: Scan the rest.
(Noah scans through the pictures.)
NC: Oh, she put on the...
NC (vo): ...System of a Down setting. She lets him watch the video, and you know, this film would be gorgeous if it wasn't shot through a Listerine bottle.
NC: Okay, I'll admit, I tried to figure out more why the color green in horror films just doesn't scare me.
NC (vo): Yes, like I said before, it's usually a relaxing color, but it can also be associated with sickness, mold, and disgusting stuff.
NC: But maybe that's it; there's a lot of creepy green things, but not that many creepy green places.
(We are shown a montage of images of other horror films, all with different color motifs.)
NC (vo): There's lots of creepy rooms that are brown. Blue is very common for night. Even red and yellow connects with alarming or uncomfortably hot scenarios. But unless you're in a medical environment or the woods during the day...
(Cut back to The Ring, with its very scenery all bathed in green.)
NC (vo): ...green just isn't commonly associated with scary places. But I don't know. Maybe that's why it's supposed to work. Like, you wouldn't see that sickly color everywhere, so it throws you off. I just don't hear that many people saying, "Ooooh! It's pretty dark and green around here!" I know it's a personal preference; I just never got into it. What I do get into is this clever scene where she sees three generations all doing the same thing: watching television. You could already argue there's a hint of commentary with this idea. You know, TV killing you and all. But just this moment when no dialogue of her noticing all these strangers of different ages are doing the exact same thing surprisingly says a lot more than the nail-on-the-head conversation earlier. If you're looking for a way to kill a lot of people, having you watch something on TV that murders you sadly seems like a good way to do it. Speaking of which, after Noah watches the tape, he doesn't seem as spooked as Rachel.
Rachel: (to Noah) Four people are dead.
Noah: Yeah, but like I said, not from watching–
Rachel: Four people who watched it!
Noah: We watched it. We're hanging.
Rachel: It...takes a week.
NC: (as Rachel) There's a lot of homicidal prep that goes into it...
(A montage of shots made by NC of Samara are shown.)
NC (vo; as Rachel): Making the call, checking that you even have a TV...
NC: (as Rachel) Even that video took...
(A shot of the filming of this video on a green screen is shown.)
NC (vo; as Rachel): ...months and months of production labor to film.
NC: (as Rachel) That's why (The closing credits of the film are shown in the corner.) every murder comes complete with closing credits.
NC (vo): He helps her make a copy of the video so they can each study it on their own time. And man, this movie really is about the dead, 'cause I haven't heard so much talk about VHS in my life!
(A montage is shown of Noah and Rachel alternately talking about how VCRs work at different points in the movie.)
Noah: The numbers of the control track they put on the tape whenever it's recorded...
Rachel: ...tracks totally shot. Servos can't line them up.
Noah: The makeup of the tracks is like a signature for whatever did the recording.
Rachel: Totally, analog should lead to the very edge of your tape.
Noah: The control track could tell us where it came from.
Rachel: Tracking, monitor, your printers.
(As we cut back to NC, he has the letters "VCR" on his face. A DVD comes up.)
Voice on DVD: You sure this won't be a problem?
NC: Nah, we'll last forever.
(The DVD leaves. NC now has the letters "DVD" on his face as a Blu-Ray comes up.)
Voice on Blu-Ray: You sure this won't be a problem?
NC: Nah, we'll last forever.
NC (vo): While looking closer at the tape, she realizes one of the more realistic parts might look a little too realistic.
(Rachel spots a fly on the screen and picks it up to look at it closely.)
NC: Little does she know, that insect went through his own...
(As we cut back to Rachel and the fly, the poster for Stay Tuned pops up, but with Roy and Helen Knable's heads being replaced with those of flies.)
NC (vo): ...fly version of Stay Tuned. And by God...
NC: (pointing finger at camera) ...I wanna hear that story!
NC (vo): Hey, didn't you used to have a kid in this movie?
(In the meantime, Rachel had hired a babysitter to take care of Aidan in her absence. She tells her what happened.)
Babysitter: He learned the word "conundrum".
Rachel: Really?
Babysitter: Yeah. And then he drew my picture.
NC (vo): Yeah, bundle up and get on your winter hat for that...rain.
(Rachel goes into Aidan's bedroom and looks at him.)
NC (vo; as Rachel): I guess maybe I should have a scene with you.
(She turns off the light as the creepy girl, Samara Morgan, appears.)
NC (vo; as Rachel): Eh, the other kid's more marketable.
(Rachel slowly approaches the girl.)
NC (vo): Oh, God!
NC: It's the ape from...
(As we cut back to Samara, a shot of the ape from the Gainomax ads is shown in the corner.)
NC (vo): ...the Gainomax commercials!
NC: I've written bananas out of my diet! What more do you want?!
NC (vo): She wakes up to a shocking discovery, though: Aidan is watching the video.
Rachel: (horrified) NOOOO!
(Aidan is staring at the video, wide-eyed, when his mother runs up and covers his eyes while ejecting the videotape and throwing it across the room. It lands and slides under a couch.)
NC (vo; as Aidan): I'm sorry, Mom. You know my natural attraction to watching videos marked "copy". (normal) No, seriously, why didn't you hide that?
Rachel: (calling Noah on the phone, tearing up) He watched the tape.
Noah: Who? Who watched it?
Rachel: (whispering) Our son! (cringes)
NC: (stares) Oh! Sorry, I forgot. That was supposed to be a twist. Uh, do it again.
Rachel: (whispering) Our son!
(A dramatic sting plays as the camera zooms in on NC's mock-horrified face. He clutches at his head in mock shock.)
NC: WHAAAAA?!
NC (vo): I guess the halfway point is not a bad time to have a surprise, but I never got what it added to the story. Why was keeping that a secret in the grand scheme of things important? Hell, why is having him be the father important? It doesn't come that much into play. All it does is excuse bad, awkward dialogue because I guess he's supposed to be a bad, awkward dad.
Noah: (to Aidan) You wish I was around more?
Aidan: You want to be around more?
Noah: I don't think I'd make a good father.
NC: (as Noah) I was in a Britney Spears...
(Cut to a clip of Martin Henderson in a Britney Spears music video.)
NC (vo; as Noah): ...video, for God's sake.
NC: (as Noah) Though nowadays, that might be a good thing. What do you think?
(He looks up and suddenly yelps in shock. Samara has emerged from the TV and is creeping toward NC, Malcolm and Tamara, who all crowd in together, cowering.)
NC: (to his colleagues) By the way, thank you both for being so quiet.
Malcolm: Sure.
Tamara: You have a review to do.
(The creepy girl inches forward.)
Malcolm: (pointing to NC's remote) Hey, can that still work?
(Suddenly intrigued, NC aims his remote at the creepy girl and pushes "pause". She freezes in place.)
NC: (impressed) Hmm!
(He pushes "rewind", causing the girl to move backwards. He pushes "fast-forward" and "rewind" several times, making her move closer and then further back several times.)
Tamara: I'm bored. Let's see what's on.
(NC changes the channel on the remote. TV static appears on the girl's body, followed by a clip of an episode of Bob's Burgers.)
Bob Belcher (voice of H. Jon Benjamin): Did you get fries from across...
Tamara: Ooh, Bob's Burgers!
NC: Nice!
(They lean forward in their seats, watching eagerly.)
Bob: Did you bring Jimmy Pesto's fries into my restaurant?!
Malcolm: Oh, I love this scene! Keep an eye on Teddy's reaction.
Tamara: Where's Teddy?
Malcolm: Uh, just above her navel.
Teddy (voice of Larry Murphy): I know what I'm doing!
Tamara: That was a good reaction.
Teddy: I got my own process, Bob!
(We then go to a commercial break. Upon return from the break, the movie resumes.)
NC (vo): Rachel discovers where the creator of the video might be, so she travels via ferry, but Noah has something important to give her. In the rain.
(Noah slowly reaches the rain-spattered note to Rachel, who just as slowly takes it from him.)
NC: If you take it even slower, even more water will get on it.
(Noah and Rachel stare and smile at each other. Rachel nods. NC blinks his eyes in confusion.)
NC: (as Noah) I guess you really don't like your son.
Offscreen voice (presumably Rachel): I don't.
NC: (as Noah) Okay.
NC (vo): But while on the ferry, a horse gets loose... I don't know, why not try to make a horse scary? ...and seems to be chasing after Rachel.
(The horse chases Rachel through the ferry. She runs toward the bow of the ship and ducks down, hoping the horse won't get her.)
NC (vo; as horse): I'm gonna be the Tristar logo!
(The horse starts to jump over the railing of the ferry, while NC, as the horse, begins to hum the Tristar logo fanfare. However, the horse catches its leg on the bow and falls overboard.)
NC (vo; as horse): Aw, shit.
(The horse hits the water with a splash.)
NC: And call me a sick bastard, but I find this part really funny.
(The horse presumably ends up getting killed as a pool of blood forms on the surface of the water. A girl on the ferry screams, while the ferry toots its horn.)
NC (vo): Maybe it's that we're suddenly supposed to care about this animal that was trying to kill the lead.
NC: Or maybe it's that when this girl screams, it almost sounds like the boat is screaming, too.
(The scene of the girl screaming and the boat tooting its horn replays.)
NC (vo; screams): Poor horsey! (screams again)
NC: Or maybe it's that it cuts to...
(As the boat pulls away, for a split second, we are shown the titular ring.)
NC (vo): ...the ring for a split second, as if we're supposed to be like, "Oh, that's what caused it."
(The horse scene replays.)
NC (vo): I thought I heard he was going to be in another (The poster for Spirit: Untamed is shown.) Spirit sequel or something.
(Once at her destination, Moesko Island, Rachel gets off the ferry to meet up with Richard Morgan (Brian Cox), the husband of the person on the tape, Anna Morgan, a horse breeder (hence, the horse scene from earlier).)
Rachel: Excuse me, Mr. Morgan.
NC (vo): She approaches a man named Mr. Morgan, played by Brian Cox, who may have some answers to what's going on.
Mr. Morgan: What is up with reporters? You take one person's tragedy and force the world to experience it.
NC: I feel the same way when they greenlight a Raja Gosnell movie.
NC (vo): He doesn't give her much, but thankfully, Aidan is a sort of psychic.
Rachel: (talking to Aidan on a pay phone) Why did you draw that house?
Aidan: Because she told me to. She's a little girl.
Rachel: So she's still...
Aidan: She's just in a dark place now.
NC: Seriously, just because you're in a horror film, doesn't mean you automatically need a kid who sees paranormal stuff. (Various images of examples of said kids are shown, including Danny Torrance and Cole Sear.)
NC (vo): She eventually finds out that the little girl was a mental patient named Samara, played by Daveigh Chase, and she was the daughter of Mr. Morgan.
(Rachel watches footage of Samara.)
Doctor: Your daddy loves you.
Samara: Daddy loves the horses.
NC: Whoa! (An image of BoJack Horseman appears in the corner.) Now we know who BoJack's father really is.
NC (vo): Speaking of which, Mr. Morgan sees her watching the video and devises a pretty inventive way of killing himself.
(Said suicide involves rigging up several electronics near a full bathtub, which he steps into. He pushes a switch on a power strip, turning on the electronics, which all electrocute him as he falls into the water with the electronics, which all explode in a shower of sparks, killing him further. Rachel screams in horror at this.)
NC: (as Jerry Seinfeld, who appears in the corner) There's no tall buildings where these people live?
NC (vo): They go back to the cabin where the tape was watched and try searching for answers.
(Noah accidentally knocks over a clear vase full of beads, which smashes open. Suddenly, the beads all move on their own and form an arrow pointing toward something.)
NC (vo): What's this? Aha! An arrow! It seems to be pointing towards– Or maybe it's what's under the arrow.
(Noah and Rachel tear up the floorboards, where they uncover a well hidden beneath.)
NC (vo; as Noah): Well, well, well. Oh, God, I should be Aidan's father; I'm already making dad jokes!
(They walk down into the floor to look closely at the well. Suddenly, the nails around the area give way. Water starts seeping in through the holes.)
NC (vo): It looks like the rodent from Mouse Hunt is at it again. Oh, my God!
(As we cut back to NC, an image of Samara is shown in the corner, but with a mouse head.)
NC: Wouldn't that be a Verbinski twist crossover!
(Noah and Rachel shine flashlights down the well.)
NC (vo): Again, I know this is supposed to be scary, but Rachel getting knocked down the well with the TV? Christ, I can't even say that sentence without giggling!
(Suddenly, the ceiling and wall above Rachel give way and hit her on the head. The TV, still on, slides down and bumps into Rachel, knocking her down into the well. As she falls, she lets loose with...the Goofy Holler! Noah vainly reaches his hand into the well to grab her, but she's too far gone. Noah runs outside and grabs some hose. He uncoils it, but it's too short. Meanwhile, Rachel lands at the bottom of the well in a pool of water.)
NC (vo; giggling): Jesus, is this The Ring or Scary Movie 3? These scenes are hilarious!
(Rachel discovers the corpse of Samara, which has been reduced to a skeleton. Noah calls down to her.)
NC (vo): Rachel finds Samara's body and discovers her mother tried to kill her, but she was left alive to slowly starve in – you guessed it – seven days.
(Noah gets her out and explains things.)
Noah: You're gonna bury her next week. It's over.
NC (vo; as Noah): I'm saying that in a horror film, so you know it's legit.
Rachel: Sometimes children...yell or cry or draw pictures.
NC: (as Rachel) This one made a video from beyond the grave. Kids. Dead kids.
NC (vo; as Rachel): You know, this whole searching for a dead child while ignoring our own has really brought us closer together.
NC: And thus, we get to – let's face it – the real reason you all remember this movie...
NC (vo): Surprise endings in horror films are a dime a dozen, but this one left a pretty big impact. It's revealed that finding Samara's body, well, didn't do shit.
Aidan: You helped her?
Rachel: What's wrong, honey?
Aidan: You weren't supposed to help her.
NC (vo): Yeah. It's not about the dead finding justice so they can sleep in peace like it was building up. Nope, it's just an angry bitter bitch who wants to spread her misery to as many people as possible.
NC: And she does so in the most memorable effect of the movie.
NC (vo): I'll admit, even though I wasn't finding this film that scary, this got a big reaction out of me.
(Since Noah's week is now up, Samara's ghost emerges from the TV and advances on him.)
NC (vo): If you told me in a movie where a ghost steps through a TV, that wouldn't really scare me. But the build-up is what makes it work. None of the other effects in the film were like this. It was surprisingly pretty light on the CG scares. So all it takes is a creative way to go a step further beyond what you're used to seeing. Even Samara, we haven't seen a ton of, and we technically haven't seen her as a ghost. There was that one moment in the dream, but that's about it. So there's a mystery to what's behind that creepy long hair, and what exactly she can do.
NC: Also, remember: most of the scares are on...
NC (vo): ...the video. The screen is the barrier that can't be crossed. So when it's suddenly broken through, and with really clever texture effects with her being low-res and glitchy all over the place, it's very jarring.
(Cut to a clip of the climactic chase scene from the "Sleepy Hollow" segment of The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad.)
NC (vo): It's like crossing the bridge in Sleepy Hollow...
(Cut to a clip of The Sixth Sense, showing the protective tent being torn apart.)
NC (vo): ...or when the tent is snapped open in Sixth Sense.
(Alternating snippets of both movies are shown, showing the outcomes of both.)
NC (vo): Those are the areas that are supposed to be safe, and suddenly, they're obliterated.
(Cut back to The Ring.)
NC (vo): So yeah, despite most of the film just being okay, it really knew how to stick the landing.
(When Rachel turns Noah's chair around and sees what's become of him, she lets out a scream that is heard all the way down the stairs.)
NC (vo): Rachel puts together that the reason she survived is because she made a copy and showed it to her son. So she has him do the same thing.
Aidan: What about the person we show it to? What happens to them?
NC (vo; as Rachel): Eh, Ruth insulted my shoes last week. She can die.
(Images from the video tape flash as the movie comes to an end.)
NC: And that was The Ring. Not a great film, but it's got some great stuff in it.
(Clips from the film play one more time as NC gives his final thoughts.)
NC (vo): Compared to a lot of scary movies of the past and present, it does take its time to build up scares in ways that are either effective enough or downright awesome. There's also something uniquely retro that it's a VHS that curses everybody.
(NC holds up the VHS of the film and removes the tape from the case.)
NC: I'm not gonna lie, I actually went out of my way to get the VHS of this movie...
(Scenes from the film are shown again, this time on the VHS. The quality is not as good, which only adds to the creepy factor.)
NC (vo): ...and watch it on a VCR to see if it was creepier. And you know what? It kinda was.
(More footage, not on the VHS, continue.)
NC (vo): I think that's a sign the film is clearly working. While, at times, it can be dull and not always make sense, its payoffs are memorable, and the premise has the makings of a classic urban legend. While I certainly wouldn't call it one of the scariest movies ever made, there's definitely a reason it quickly became iconic. And seeing how this image is still all over the place, it looks like it's gonna stay that way for a long time.
NC: (looking around) Now, where did I put that remote...?
(He glances up to see that the girl is holding the remote. She still has the image of Bob Belcher on her, but shuts it off. NC, Malcolm and Tamara recoil in fear.)
Malcolm: Oh, shit, she's got the remote!
Tamara: What are we gonna do now?
(As the girl advances on them, she is suddenly hit by a passing refrigerator, which crashes through the wall. NC, Tamara and Malcolm glance toward the hole in the wall, and the fridge – which apparently has legs – is seen running down a street.)
NC: Huh. Guess my refrigerator was running.
(A piano chord plays.)
Channel Awesome Tagline – Innkeeper: This is your card, right?
(The credits roll.)