(We see Chester sitting in a comfy chair in some room as the tune of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" plays.)
(speaking calmly) Greetings, my friends, and welcome to a "Bummy Christmas Review." (Cut it "Bummy Christmas Reviews" title card, back to Chester)
Let us talk about all the Rankin Bass stop-motion Christmas stories. (Cut to title card with "The Rankin Bass Christmas Cartoons", back to Chester)
There's this world where everybody seems to have cold, dead, puppet eyes.
Most of the males have lipstick on their mouths.
And half the people seem to have lines around their jaws.
To talk about the stories that comes out of this world is kind of redundant because, well, a lot of them have the same story.
Somebody doesn't fit in.
They try to journey someplace where they feel they belong.
They come across a mean obstacle that in the end is probably gonna be a nice obstacle.
And they go right back to where they started because the original place where they came from decided to stop being dicks.
Aside from that, what can I say about the Rankin Bass stop-motion stories? (yells) They're scary as hell!
They don't look alive, or it looks like they used to be alive, but then somebody took 'em and turned 'em into dead puppet people, and they're like, "Ah, I used to be alive, but now I'm moving! Ah, my eyes never blink, and they're totally staring in one direction - it's like I have two lazy eyes!"
That big Cosby-Jay Leno chin thing looks like it's gonna eat me!
Santa Claus has raisins for pupils!
The snowman has no feet, so how does he move?! Is it like a snake; it slithers-- The snowman's a snake!
And they all seem to move really fast and then stand still at really awkward moments!
Why do people watch this every Christmas?! It's scary!
Freddy Krueger is more cuddly than any of those things!
I don't know why you watch it, but you do!
On the plus side, I guess your nightmares are a lot more creative because of it.
(speaking calmly) So, I can't argue with the fact that you enjoy these films and you watch 'em every single Christmas season.
(yelling again) But excuse me if I turn off the TV set and hide under my blankets! (hides under coat)
This is Chester A. Bum saying... Don't go away, Christmas! I wanna stay in this room!