July 29th, 2014
After the Nostalgia Critic intro, we see the Critic walking through the halls of his HQ on his phone. As he passes by the main foyer (with the display board saying "Squeak On!"), we see Malcolm and Tamara, both carrying assault rifles and wearing giant mouse ears, walk past him and into his review room. The Critic stops, wondering if he actually saw that. He goes into the room and sees that Malcolm and Tamara are hunkering down behind an overturned table.
NC: Usually, I'd have to take something to see shit like this. What the hell are you guys doing?
Tamara: Preparing for the new law they're about to pass.
NC: What law?
Malcolm: The law that will abolish crime!
NC: What law?
Tamara: That will spread chaos in its wake!
NC: What law?
Malcolm: It will ethically destroy what humanity stands for!
NC: WHAT LAW?!?
Tamara: (inhales) The law that will split up Pinky and the Brain.
NC: (deadpans) ...That's not a law.
Tamara: Could be.
NC: No, it can't.
Malcolm: It makes so much sense!
NC: It clearly doesn't.
Tamara: It seems like the road America is going down.
NC: It's amazing how much it's not.
Malcolm: And how would you know, Mr. Expert?
NC: Because it has nothing to do with crime! Crime is about breaking the law for your own personal gain, and this amazingly has nothing to do with that!
Tamara: It doesn't matter. We've set up security perimeters all around the studio just in case it causes worldwide panic.
As she says this, she points to the security camera in the room. The Critic takes a brief look at the camera, which has "P+B Cam" and "Nimrod Detected" on its feed.
NC: I suspect it would cause worldwide indifference.
Malcolm: But haven't you seen The Purge?
NC: (irritated) PURGE?!? Fuck! That dumbass movie everybody fell for?
Tamara: Hey! If that could happen, so could splitting up Pinky and the Brain!
Malcolm: It's not fair. Just as they're legalizing gay marriage.
NC: The Purge wouldn't happen. It never could happen. And that's why it's so baffling that it's such a success!
Cut to The Purge title card. We see brief clips of the movie as the Critic begins.
NC (vo): With its sequel having come out and having it be number one again at the box office... (Cut to a poster of "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes) ...well, almost number one.
George Taylor (vo): Damn dirty ape!
NC (vo): The Purge is one of those surprise hits that literally nobody can identify with. The idea's that the not too distant future has basically abolished crime because one night a year, they make crime legal. An interesting idea for a dark satire or maybe a clever comedy, but no! The film plays it up like this could really happen! And we shouldn't let it happen because, apparently, we're too stupid to realize it's a bad idea! Just look at how ridiculously serious it takes its advertising.
The movie's trailer plays. An overtly triumphant, over-the-top version of "America the Beautiful" is heard as the movie's more violent scenes are shown.
NC (vo): Yes. Nothing like a version of "Oh Beautiful" being sung to blood-gushing, innocent killing, homicidal psychotics slaughtering families. Now if a gay or ethnic person sang it, that'll be call for outrage! (A brief clip of the controversial Coca-Cola ad is shown) Hell, maybe America's more fucked up than we realize if we're dumb enough not only to take this shit seriously, but also give it a sequel! Let's see if this movie shows what the flying hell is wrong with us even if it does it in a way that wasn't intended.
Cut back to the Critic, now sitting in his usual spot, with Malcolm and Tamara behind him.
NC: So let's not waste any time... (He notices the two sets of fake mouse ears behind him. The Critic grabs the two rifles.) Will you guys knock it off?!? (Malcolm and Tamara slink away) This is... (The Critic accidentally fires one of the guns) ..."The Purge."
One of the ducks from "Duck Hunt" falls. Tamara holds up the duck triumphantly, complete with the appropriate sound effects and music.
NC (vo): We see the film opens up in the year 2022. Yup! We only have 8 years until this plan is put into place...
NC: We're so close, America! It could happen any day!
NC (vo): I think it's more likely that we'll be dressing like this (screenshot of Griff Tannen and his gang from Back to the Future part II) in a few months than having the purge in a few years.
The movie's intro plays to silent scenes of violence over Claude Debussy's "Claire de Lune".
NC (vo): Ah, yes. And just to give you a taste of how subtle and non-pretentious this film's gonna be, here's a bunch of intense violence set to calming music.
We see a few more of these scenes as the credits continue to roll.
NC: Because it's irony! They don't fit together! (Ominously) But will the future know that?
A scare chord is played as a caption reading "Questions!" appears.
NC (vo): And just when you're wondering how an intro could be any less subtle, one hell of a puzzle piece falls into your lap.
The credit for the producers of the movie appear. One of the producers is none other than Michael Bay. The screen zooms in on his name and an arrow points it out.
NC (vo): Now it makes sense! Suddenly so many elements come together! God, I could just see good old Bay getting high off his ass one night saying...
NC: (imitating a high Michael Bay) I want it to feel deep, but I don't want to use my brain for it. Where's that Purge script?
NC (vo): The film opens with a home security salesman named James, played by Ethan Hawke, driving home on the day of The Purge and noticing quite an unrealistic amount of people still in their neighborhoods.
James Sandin: (to a neighbor) Getting one last walk in before lockdown, huh?
James: Did you do the systems check I recommended?
Neighbor: Of course! No problems.
NC (vo): Uhh...if I knew crime was gonna be legal in 24 hours, I'd probably tell my family...
NC: Hey gang! How about that vacation to Canada? (picture of happy Mounties) Just one of those friendly weekend visits to the Ned Flanders of North America. Though the more I think about it, it may not be the safest either.
Cut to the Canadian Women's Foundation PSA.
Grandma: It's a rape whistle.
NC: What the fuck?
Back to the movie
NC (vo): People put out flowers to show they support The Purge, others talk on the radio to talk about what crimes they're gonna do...
Radio DJ: Keith from Northern Virginia, what's your Purge plan?
Keith: I'm gonna hunt down my boss. That son of a bitch has it coming.
NC (vo): Well hopefully Keith from Northern Virginia's boss doesn't listen to the radio... fucking idiot... and even guys in lab coats explain the totally believable way The Purge works.
Cut to inside a family home, specifically the Sandin household where James's wife, Mary (played by Lena Heady) watches a TV interview with a doctor labeled as Dr. Peter Buynak.
Dr. Buynak: We are inherently a violent species. Wars, genocide, murder. The denial of our true selves in the problem. The Purge not only contains societal violence to a single evening, but the countrywide catharsis creates psychological stability by letting us release the aggression we all have inside of us.
NC (vo): Oh, of course! Terrorists, drug dealers, embezzlers, people with aggressive mental disorders, all they needed to do was just let out a little aggression! It was so simple the whole time! Good lord, do you know how many crime shows would have ended differently if we knew about that from the beginning?
Cut to Walter White (played by Doug) talking to Gus Fring (played by Malcolm)
Walt: All right, Gus. If I'm going to cook for you, I need to know that you're going to kill everybody that will get in the way of distribution. Especially yourself!
Gus: Before turning to such a violent route, have you ever considered hitting a pillow?
Walt: A pillow?
Gus: Yes! You'll find it strangely... relaxing.
Gus holds up a pillow and Walter lightly punches it.
Walt: My God! You're right! My mental instability is suddenly leveling out! I don't even want to make meth anymore! Maybe I'll open that puppy farm.
Gus: I'm glad to hear it. Now, for god's sake, please put on a pair of pants.
Long shot to reveal Walt (i.e. Doug) in his underwear.
Walt: Not until you promise me a cameo in Better Call Saul!
Back to the movie
NC (vo): So James has a wife named Mary, played by Lena Heady, who spends most of her time fighting off jealous neighbors.
One such neighbor is Grace Ferrin, played by Arija Bareikis.
Grace: You know, not everyone had the year you did, Mary. You know, some people are actually saying that this neighborhood paid for that new addition to your home.
Mary: Are people really saying that?
Grace: Relax! It's just good old fashioned neighborhood gossip. Nothing to worry about!
NC: (vo as Grace) I might be passive-aggressive, but tonight I'll be aggressive-aggressive!
The two are then greeted by a married couple in their car. This is Mr. and Mrs. Halverson, played by Chris Mulkey and Tisha French.
Mrs. Halverson: Hi!
Mr. Halverson: Oh, cookies! Hope your hungry, those cookies are crazy good!
Mrs. Halverson: They're lovely! Have a safe night, ladies!
All four say a quick bye as the Halversons drive off.
NC: (as Mr. Halverson) Well, we established ourselves! Can't wait to obviously return just for the climax!
NC: Woven like a quilt.
NC (vo): But even before The Purge, a little bit of creeping seems to be going around.
The movie cuts to a low angled blurred shot of Mary in the kitchen accompanied by ominous music. Mary turns around and sees the camera, catching her scared for a brief second. She quickly laughs it off.
Mary: Christ. You scared me to death.
It turns out that the blurred camera happened to be a hybrid baby doll-tank-robot toy thing that looks like it was built by Sid Phillips in Toy Story.
NC (vo): Yeah. You really got me there, movie. For a second I swore a tiny, tiny, tiny, tiny person was going to kill her. Good fake out! This device was made by their son Charlie, as he seems to enjoy monitoring his heart rate.
The family is at the dinner table. Charlie (played by Max Burkholder) is writing down numbers in a notebook.
Charlie: I'm sorry. I forgot to take my vitals earlier. By the way, there's a slight deviation in my heart rate, but, uh, other than that, nothing to worry about.
NC (vo): It's never explained why, and never comes back into the movie later, it's just something he kinda likes to do.
NC: Quirks. Replacing character identity since the beginning of this movie.
NC (vo): They also have a daughter named Zoey, who's moody because her dad does not approve of her 18-year-old boyfriend.
Charlie: In English, I wrote a story about a man whose love is so powerful, he cuts out his own heart.
Zoey: (played by Adelaide Kane) You know, he should have cut off his own penis.
The parents are offended and start to argue.
James: Zoey! Zoey!
Mary: Eating dinner! That's not funny!
James: Don't encourage her!
The kids fist bump each other.
NC: (vo as James) Kids, do I have to savagely mutilate you during the Purge? I'm guessing this world thinks we're good parents for some reason, but I can totally do that!
Charlie: Guys! Look what time it is.
James: Well, it's later than I thought. All right. It's time for lockdown.
NC (vo): Wow! Can't believe we almost missed THAT little detail! Oh what? The Purge is starting? Pfft! Whateves! It's not like we're missing an episode of Chasing Life! Hell, the movie starts by saying it's an hour before the Purge begins. That means they have to drive home, talk to neighbors, start dinner, set the table, eat dinner, AND prepare the security system during arguably the fastest sunset the town's ever known! Call me crazy, but I wouldn't leave so little time between mental stability and death-becomes-the-new-selfie! I mean I know the rest of the world relies on the honor system by not committing crimes the rest of the year, but somebody could start early catching you off your guard, and then leave the country while the cops are shut down!
NC: Or do they "Respect the Purge" too much to break the law?
The family watches an Emergency Broadcast Signal message on their TV.
Female Announcer: This is not a test. Weapons of Class 4 and lower have been authorized for use during the Purge. Police, fire, and emergency medical services will be unavailable until tomorrow morning at 7am. Blessed be our new founding fathers and America, a nation reborn.
NC:(vo, scoffs) The new Founding Fathers. I'm sure these speeches these "New Founding Fathers" gave fit in just as well as the other great leaders of the past.
Cut to archival footage of Presidential speeches.
Franklin D. Roosevelt: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
John F. Kennedy: Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.
NC: Just kill some people! (an audience cheers as the Critic plays to the crowd) Right? Right? It's a good idea, right?
NC (vo): And just like before, the film praises the effectiveness of the Purge but never addresses mental illness, territory disputes, drug possession, or anything that doesn't fall under mere pent-up rage. They just say... "It works!"
Newsanchor: Eradication of these so-called non-contributing members of society...
James: This night saved our country.
Radio DJ: Crime is down. The economy is flourishing.
James: Because it works.
Newsanchor: The undeniable fact is this is working.
NC: That's right. The Purge works. Just like how somebody can take $65 million and apparently make a film like Foodfight! Don't question how illogical it is, it just works!
NC (vo): One of the other phrases they seem to repeat a lot in this movie is "Release the Beast".
Quick montage of the phrase being said by various characters
NC (vo): Quite a fine combination of words, right?
NC: Oooh! I think I saw it in a Jaegermeister ad once! (Cut to said phrase in said commercial)
Back to the movie, the family's surveillance video shows an injured man wandering the street. The movie credits him as Dwayne the blood stranger, played by Edwin Hodge.
Dwayne: Help me! Someone, please?
NC (vo): We see a homeless guy trying to hide from some violent kids by...
Dwayne: (shouting) Can anybody hear me?
NC (vo): ...screaming at the top of his lungs, that'll work... as the son decides to let him in.
Charlie punches the security code on the controls and opens up the house's security gates. James and Mary look confused as the gates seemingly open out of nowhere.
James: The hell?
While the Critic continues we see James head to the controls to close the gates, while Charlie shouts to Dwayne to get inside, which he does right before the gates shut again.
NC (vo): Yup! The little kid opens the door. It's not like the top seller of the security system would actually BE around his security system! Buddy, all that high tech gadgetry doesn't do much if you give into its one simple design flaw.
Cut to Seinfeld.
Jerry: (to Kramer) The door... (shuts the front door) MUST BE CLOSED!!!
NC (vo): To make things worse, Zoey's boyfriend* snuck in before the lockdown and tells her that he wants to just talk to her dad about allowing him to date her.
- The boyfriend is actually named Henry, played by Tony Oller. More on this later.
Boyfriend/Henry: Mr. Sandin?
The boyfriend pulls out a gun and aims it at James.
Mary: James, he has a gun! Henry has a gun!
The boyfriend and James engage in a gun fight. James comes out all right, but the boyfriend gets shot. A hysterical Zoey takes her wounded boyfriend back to her room.
Zoey: HENRY! HENRY! HENRY!
NC: (vo as James) I still believe the Purge works, honey!
Zoey and Henry go back to her room. He's dying.
NC (as Boyfriend/Henry): Talk went well. Hit a few bumps, but I think we can get past that. (normal vo) The boyfriend gets killed, and lo and behold, a group of young people approach the door who were chasing the homeless man down.
The group's leader rings the doorbell. The security camera's show him wearing a mask.
NC: (vo as the leader) Dick or treat! (vo) Now to this movie's credit, just when you think it's taking itself too seriously, a saving grace simply known as Henry* enters the film. And by god, he either takes absolutely none of this seriously or every single molecule of breath he takes on the set seriously! Either way, he is by far the most entertaining part of the film. Just... watch this goof.
- Add one to the fuck-up list. As it turns out, we already saw the character named Henry killed off in the previous scene. This Henry, played by Rhys Wakefield, was never named at all in the movie. He was simply credited as "Polite Leader". However, since the rest of the review has dedicated into calling the "Polite Leader" Henry, he shall be named Henry in this transcript as well.
Henry: We are some fine, young, very educated guys and gals. Ready to violate and annihilate and cleanse our souls.
His performance is... very unique. So much so that it makes the Critic burst out laughing.
NC (vo): He's got more ham than a Dr. Seuss book!
Henry: Mr. and Mrs., the man you are sheltering is nothing but a dirty homeless pig. A grotesque menace to our just society who had the audacity to fight back. (He flashes a very cheesy smile) Please just let us Purge!
The over the top performance makes the Critic laugh again.
NC (vo): He's not gonna release the beast, he's gonna release the squee!
Henry: If you don't deliver him by the aforementioned time, we'll release the beast on him...and on you.
Henry delivers this line like a five year old trying to keep a secret to his/her parents.
NC: (mimicking Henry's expression): ... I just farted and it's gonna smell really bad! (stifles a laugh)
Henry: We can enter any home we want, and we will want, as well as wanting is our will on this fine night.
Cut to Mars Attacks!
General Decker: What the hell does that mean?
Back to the movie
Henry: You have until our provisions arrive. Provisions which will help us break into your elegant home. (He giggles) Toodeloo Sandins!
Henry and his gang walk off.
NC (vo): Well, now we know what Macaulay Culkin does to every family who watches Richie Rich.
The lights go out in the Sandin's home.
NC (vo): So the kids give them an hour before they try breaking in to have them hand the man over. This results in the "suspenseful" part of the movie where they go through the house with the power cut by the masked kids...
NC: Which would make it hard to find the guy, wouldn't it? They're obviously not gonna call the cops!
NC (vo): ... And I'm not kidding, the search goes on for 15 minutes. 15 minutes of them just searching through the dark and us practically looking at nothing. I don't even know who I'm supposed to be scared for. The family, of course, are the main characters and they're chasing an injured man crying for help! Where the hell am I supposed to be afraid? All the while, the "Children of the Corny" are taunting them, I guess, by doing non-scary things that are supposed to be scary because they have masks on.
We see the Purgers mugging for the camera, mimicking killing motions with their guns and knives, making out with their masks on(!?), and just other random stuff.
NC:(vo as the Purgers) Well, we've tried skipping, and we've tried prancing, best continue to do a full on do-si-do!
Henry knocks on the door again, catching James' attention
Henry: Hey Mr. Sandin! I need you at the front door, I just need a moment, good sir.
NC (vo): But thankfully in the middle of their searching, we get yet another scene from dear young Henry.
Henry: Tell me, why haven't you delivered the filthy swine to me yet? Are you protecting him? I surely hope not Mr. Sandin.
James: No, of course not.
Henry simply smiles a creepy, yet absolutely precious smile. The Critic cracks up again.
NC: I'm sorry, I'm really trying! I'm trying so hard to be scared by this kid. But he's just so fucking hilarious! (vo) He's just projecting so much that he wants to be scary that it's actually kind of adorable! I just want to pinch his little supposed-to-be-frightening cheeks!
Random Purger: (to James) GIVE US THE HOMELESS PIG! YOU FUCK---
Henry nonchalantly shoots the random Purger.
Henry: Sorry about that. I don't condone that kind of behavior. So now heed, or that (points to dead Purger) will be thee.
NC (vo): Yeah, come on! You can trust a face like that on a night where all crime is legal. How can this go awry?
James: I'll go get him.
Henry: You should do that.
NC (vo): Why are they even blowing all their time on this one damn house? They have one night of the year to do whatever the hell they want, and yet they spend it like fifth graders who just found out they have cameras on their phones.
NC: What person would spend so much time to get into a person's house for such a weak reason?
At that moment, Malcolm peaks in the room.
Malcolm: Uh, Critic? You might want to take a look at this.
The Critic and Malcolm go back to where Tamara is. She is staring dumbfounded at the security monitor. The Critic chases Tamara away and sits down at the main console himself. It turns out that standing outside their front door is none other than Film Brain, sporting a very Herny-esque smile on his face.
NC: Film Brain?
Film Brain: Hello, Mr. Critic. I heard you were reviewing (takes out the DVD) The Purge.
NC: Yeah, what about it?
Film Brain: You are aware that I reviewed the film on my Projector series and... I was rather surprised that you didn't ask me to do a crossover with you.
NC: I just did a crossover, Film Brain. If I did another one, It'd be too repetitive.
Film Brain: Mr. Critic, the film you are watching is a dirty, brainless pile. A film that has the audacity to exist in our... cultured, film-going society. And it deserves to be eradicated. Brutally. Painfully. Cripplingly.
NC: Jeez, you really wanted to review this with me.
Tamara: (whispers) This is what happens when you try to split up Pinky and the Brain.
NC: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!?
Film Brain: Mr. Critic, I just want to splurge as I am so entitled! Oh please, let me splurge!
NC: Film Brain, I'm sorry, I can't do two in a row. Maybe another review in the future?
Film Brain: Oh, I understand, of course. But the ten tons of dynamite I laid around your office... does not! (He holds up a detonator.)
(NC, Malcolm and Tamara gasp.)
Tamara: I thought this place smelled dynamitey!
NC: Film Brain! What the hell?
Film Brain: That's right! I'm bonkers now! And if you don't do a crossover with me, I'm gonna detonate your arses sky high with my mobile phone! (giggles madly)
Malcolm: Your cell phone's the detonator?
Film Brain: Oh yeah! There's an app for that now! And I must be allowed to comment on this film's cheesiness. Just allow me to unleash the cheese!
NC: All right! All right, Film Brain. Just give me time to write something up.
Film Brain: How long, Mr. Critic?
NC: A commercial break, maybe?
Film Brain: Very well. But do not disappoint me!
Film Brain grins madly.
NC: ... Anything else?
Film Brain: No. I'm just allowing my scary performance to sink in!
Film Brain: Toodeloo, Critic!
Film Brain slinks away, but bumps into a wall. He quickly recovers and continue waving as he leaves.
Malcolm: You have to do a crossover.
NC: I can't! It'd be too redundant!
Malcolm: You'd risk your own life for that?
NC: Trust me, I have an issue about being redundant.
The NC slaps Casper away.
Tamara: What are we gonna do then?
The three see Film Brain mugging to the security camera. As they continue to worry about their situation, we cut to commercial.
We come back from commercial with the Critic returning to his chair.
NC: (calling off screen) Is he doing anything?
Cut to Malcolm and Tamara at the security control panel.
Malcolm: Not really. He's kind of skipping and prancing about.
Tamara: I think he's too distracted about how evil he's trying to be.
To be sure, Film Brain is shown goofing off in front of the camera.
NC: Good. I'm gonna keep reviewing while you guys think of a plan.
Malcolm: Right! (he whispers to Tamara) First we not tell him about the spitting up of Pinky and the Brain.
NC: THEY'RE NOT SPLITTING UP!!!
Back to the movie
NC (vo): They do eventually catch the guy, but something convinces them not to hand him over. And I use the word something because I literally have no idea what it is that convinces them not to do it! The daughter says nothing will be the same; Hell! Even the guy offers to hand himself over to end all the trouble...
Dwayne: Save your children. Take me outside.
NC (vo): And yet for some reason, they decide to renege! I'm not saying that what they're doing isn't the right thing, I'm just saying their explanation of how they came to that conclusion is about as solid as...
James: (from earlier) Because it works.
NC: Logic? BLEGH!!! It just works.
NC (vo): The teens are done waiting and decide it's time to start breaking in.
Henry: You failed to deliver the homeless swine! THAT PIECE OF FILTH THAT YOU ARE PROTECTING EXISTS ONLY TO SERVE OUR NEED TO PURGE!!!
Henry goes from angry rage to a friendly, silent laugh in the blink of an eye. The Critic covers his head with his hat and cracks up again.
Henry: So I bid thee farewell, sweet Sandins.
NC: Can we just give this guy his own reality show? Like "Survive a Conversation without Squirting Milk Through your Nose"? (Picture of Henry and a guy squirting milk through his nose to... illustrate the image) Or NO! A Saturday morning show! A Saturday morning show where Henry reads to children! Please god, somebody make that happen!
Or better yet, how about a skit! :-D
Announcer (Malcolm): Coming to ABC Family, "Reading With Henry".
Light, French-style music plays over the title card, cut to Henry (Jim Jarosz) in front of a pure black background.
Henry: Hello, children. Let's look at "Baby's First Mythos."
The pleasant music is replaced by suspenseful music as Henry starts.
Henry: C is for Cthulhu who sits in his palace in R'yleh. One sight of whom would leave most of us.... (Henry starts laughing silently.) Gibbering... Drooling... and Screaming! Just let us Puuuuurge!
The pleasant music returns as the screen freezes on Henry's face and the ABC Family logo reappears.
Announcer: Coming this fall to ABC Family!
Back to the movie
NC (vo): So they break down the high-tech security system... which was amazingly easy to do...
NC: How the fuck do these guys stay in business?
NC (vo): ...And the teens come in for the search.
And apparently the search includes slow-motion skipping down the hallway.
NC (vo, whispers): It's scary because they're taking something dark and evil and making it innocent and fun. We had to run that in slow-mo just to make sure it wasn't so subtle. But just to make sure it isn't, let's play this over it, too!
The over-the-top version of "America the Beautiful" from the trailer is played over the scene, along with the words "AMERICA" on the bottom of the screen and the Critic himself in the upper-left hand corner dancing along over-dramatically.
Meanwhile, the Sandins are still hiding in fear as the Purgers start to close in on them. Mary is hiding under the bed as one of the Purgers stands right over her.
Purger: Cooper, come look at little lady Sandin.
This... somehow makes the Purger leave the bedroom.
Purger (NC): Cooper? Did you check under the bed? That would be the most obvious hiding spot.
"Cooper" (NC): Nah! I gotta find more security cameras to skip in front of.
In the kitchen, James is fighting off the Purgers with a machine gun.
NC (vo): Yeah. Even though the Purge has been going on for several years apparently, nobody ever thought to maybe put on body armor during it! But hey! What's the point? The Purge just works!
A purger bursts through the window and tackles James to the ground. He shoots him at point-blank range, but James nudges his arm to the side so that all of his shots miss him in the exact same spot(!!!)
Purger (NC): Yay! I suck!
James overtakes his attacker, axes him down and shoots him dead.
James (NC): That's so they don't come back as zombies.
With all the Purgers in the room dead, James marches on.
NC (vo): But just when he thinks he's gotten out ok... (A wild Henry appears in the hallway and stabs James.) Oh, Henry.
A shocked James looks down to see blood starting to come out from the wound. He is dying.
NC: Ok, this character hasn't let me down yet. Let's see how many traditional movie psychopath cliches we can fit into 30 seconds!
NC (vo): Can we have the comforting killer? (An on-screen counter dings 1) The whimpering lip over the beauty of his actions? (That's 2) How about the thankful gratitude for giving him such an experience?
Henry: Thank you for this unforgettable Purge, Mr. Sandin. (3)
NC (vo): There'd better be a loving kiss in there! (Indeed, Henry kisses James' forehead. We're at 4) And top it all off with the straightening of his suit and hair, proving his look is far more important than the life of another. (*ding* 5)
NC: That's FIVE! Five psychotic movie cliches in under 30 seconds! Oh my god, Henry. Never ever die!
And just like that, Zoey shoots Henry.
NC: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (vo) They killed the only enjoyable character in the film! He was filled with more ham than Ponyo!!! Great, now who's gonna drill our incredibly forced message into the ground?
That honor goes to the neighbors we saw earlier. Grace, her husband and the Halversons all enter the Sandins' home.
NC (vo): Oh great! The characters who only existed so that you would know who they are are in the climax.
NC: Again, like a quilt!
The neighbors take the surviving Sandins at gunpoint. Grace talks with her normal tone throughout the scene.
Grace: The truth is your ours, not theirs. James is dead, the kids will have to do. Let's tie them up, we'll kill them right here.
Mary: No no no no no!!!
Grace: When your barricades came down, we saw an opportunity to cleanse ourselves of our hatred.
NC (vo): Yup! Because that's how killers talk, everybody!
The Critic is now pointing his gun offscreen, sporting a goofy smile in the process.
NC: I'm sorry I gotta kill you, but the cleansing of my mortal coil has to be addressed if I am to be ethically absolved.
The Critic shoots the gun. Back to the movie...
Grace: You made so much money off of us. And then you just stuck it in our faces! You all think you're so damn perfect.
Grace (NC): That and your cookies are awful! Now we're going to kill you AND both of your daughters!
The neighbors gather in a circle, knives in hand, and begin to chant.
Neighbors: Blessed be the new Founding Fathers. For letting us Purge and cleanse our souls.
NC (vo): So this world is like BioShock Infinite? Except with none of the cool stuff and double the hypocrisy?
Suddenly, Dwayne barges in, punches out the neighbors and shoots one of them down.
NC (vo): But the homeless man comes in to save the day!
Dwayne points the gun at the now unarmed neighbors
Dwayne: Your call.
Grace: Just get it over with. Kill us quickly.
Mary shakes her head no.
Grace: Oh for god's sake, just do it. Come on!
Grace delivers this line without any real emotion.
NC (as Grace): The movie's almost over and Henry was the most entertaining thing anyway.
Mary: We are gonna play the rest of this night out in motherfucking peace.
NC (vo): So as you heard, she forces everybody to sit politely until the Purge is over.
The Sandins, the neighbors, and Dwayne sit awkwardly in the dining room. Grace suddenly grabs for a shotgun, but Mary stops her and hits her with the butt end.
Mary (NC): A Lannister always pays her debts!!!
Mary: Didn't you hear what I said? No more killing tonight!!!
Outside the house, a siren blares.
Mary: Now get the hell out of my house.
NC: See you at the neighborhood barbecue!
NC (vo): So they all go home and life goes on as... (*gasp*) normal?
The surviving Sandins stand at their front doorway and look out into their changed world.
Female Newscaster: Just after 7 am, March 22nd, the annual Purge has just concluded.
Male Newscaster: The new Founding Fathers have released an early statement saying this was the most successful Purge yet.
NC: (fake gasp) But wait a minute! It wasn't successful! Waaas it?
The movie's title card appears, ending the film with one last bit from "America the Beautiful". The Critic sings along.
NC: From sea to shining... SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! This is one of the most pretentious ideas I've ever seen in my entire life! I mean, who would actually be inspired by such a ludicrous idea?
Tamara: Uh, Critic? Film Brain says he's done scarily frolicking.
The Critic returns to the security console, flanked by Tamara and Malcolm.
Film Brain: Time's up, Mr. Critic. Where's my review?
NC: Well I, uh... kinda just finished it up, Film Brain.
Film Brain: What? You FAILED!
NC: Nonononono! I just wanted you to finish it out with the closing thoughts.
Film Brain: Really? What would you have me say?
Scenes of the movie play again as the Critic delivers the closing thoughts.
NC (vo): The point of this movie is to prove one thing, that the Purge is bad. Well, since we already know that and not in a million years we would let something like this happen, it's a pretty fucking pointless message. Maybe if it was a dark comedy, an exploitation film, or balls-to-the-wall satire, but it explains nothing about how this idea could work except that... it works! Most of it is just showing people sneaking around the house like it's trying to be a gritty real life situation. But since we know the situation is bullshit, there's no way to identify with it. The only bit of fun is that Henry character. He at least does something totally bat-shit crazy and memorable. But for everything else, it's just a pretentious, wannabe protest film that has nothing to protest. It's like that kid who wants attention in your writing class, so he writes what he thinks is groundbreaking commentary when really its just someone complaining about how there's nothing to complain about. It's a stupid, ridiculous mess.
Film Brain: Well, yeah! I can say that and... Wait a minute, you already said that!!!
NC: Oh yeah. Oops.
Film Brain: So I bid thee farewell, Critic. UNLEASH THE CHEESE!
NC, Malcolm & Tamara: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Film Brain hits the phone-detonator... and nothing happens. He taps his phone repeatedly to get the thing to work.
Film Brain: Oh, bloody hell, COME ON! Yes I AM gonna file a complaint later.
The NC, Malcolm and Tamara go from confusion to annoyance as Film Brain struggles with the detonator.
Film Brain: All right, fine. Okay. Okay, let's do this. Kick the door down.
Film Brain tries to break the door down, with even less success. He becomes very frustrated.
Malcolm: I'm starting to wonder why we were ever afraid of this guy.
Film Brain tries to ram the door in but knocks himself out.
NC: Look, Film Brain, this is already in my top 10 most awkward life moments, what do you say we just call it quits for the night, huh?
Film Brain: (looks at his phone) Oh hey look, the safety was on!
The three recoil in terror.
Film Brain: HAHAHA!!! From Hell's heart, I push a button and I blow thee up!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!
Film Brain gets ready to push the button. Everyone braces themselves for the incoming boom.
Tamara: At least Pinky and the Brain are still together!
The Critic groans, obviously up in his arms about that nonsense.
NC: Pinky and the Brain are not splitting up!!!
Film Brain pulls his finger away in shock as he overhears them.
Film Brain: Pinky and the Brain are splitting up?
The Critic sees an opportunity to stop him and decides to roll with it.
NC: Yeah! Yeah! Pretty devastating news, huh?
Film Brain: (crying) Oh my god, I love Pinky and the Brain!
NC: Yes. Yes. We're all traumatized by it. So much so that I bet you just want to go home, lie in bed, and gorge on Turkish Delight. Don't you?
Film Brain puts his phone away.
Film Brain: Yeah. I think I'll do that. (he walks away) Why is it that celebrity couples NEVER stay together?
The trio finally pulls away from the monitor.
Malcolm: We have GOT to stop that crazy crumpet from ever coming back here.
Tamara: But how? Once he figures out the truth, he'll just come back and finish what he started.
NC: ...Tamara? Are you familiar with the phrase "Self-fulfilling prophecy?"
One Week Later...
Cut to an animated sequence featuring Pinky and the Brain.
Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain. But how can you have a Duck Dynasty if none of the people are ducks?
The Brain is dumbfounded by this comment.
Brain: Goddamn it, Pinky, can't you get at least ONE fucking thing right?
Peppy music starts to play them out.
Brain: (pissed off) No, no, cut the music! Cut the music!
Brain: I have put up with this bullshit for too long!
Brain: You are the syphilis to everything I've worked so hard for, you miserable, poisonous sack of disease!
Pinky: But, Brain--
Brain: Shut it, bitch!
Brain: I could have had the world years ago if you didn't keep... FUCKING IT up!
Pinky: Oh, dear! I--
Brain: Do me a favor and just... just die! Just die for the sake of all humanity!!
Pinky bursts into tears.
Pinky: (sobbing) Oh, Brain! I can't believe it!
Brain: Oh, yes, that's right! Cry! Oh, that's all you're good for, isn't it, you little shit!
A cut away from the scene reveals Pinky and the Brain's ACTUAL voice actors, Rob Paulsen and Maurice LaMarche respectively, acting out the scene in their hotel room, with the Critic in the background urging them on. Maurice, however, has a quick concern and stops the scene.
Maurice: Wait a second. Wait a second, Rob.
Maurice: (to the NC) Are you sure this is for a kid's show?
NC: Just say it. People have wanted to hear this for years.
Rob: Oh, really? Okay.
Maurice: All right.
The two voice actors continue the scene.
Maurice: (in Brain's voice) YOU ARE PESTILENCE! That's right! You are the pestilence of life! I don't usually believe in homicide, but if I could go back in time to the moment of your conception....
Rob: (in Pinky's voice) WHAAAAAAAAAuuuuu! GAUuuuu! GAHHHHuuuooohhh! AAAAA--
End Credits, adding a special thanks to Rob Paulsen, Maurice LaMarche, Matthew Buck, and Andrew Kaiko, who animated the Pinky and the Brain scene.
The Critic reads a news story on his phone that reads "Pinky and the Brain Split Somehow Causes World Peace". Curious, he goes outside to see for himself. Wouldn't you know, everything is chirping birds, giant castles and rainbows.
NC: Huh. Who knew?
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James: Because it works.