The Punisher (1989)
February 12, 2015
(We start off this episode in a hotel room with shots of various trash littering the room. Rap Critic is trying to wake up Nash)
RC: Nash. (He just sleeps) Nash! (still sleeping) Wake the fuck up!
Nash: (waking up) Don't shoot! She said she was single!
RC: O...kay. How you doing, Sparky?
Nash: Okay, first...what's that thing you're doing with your mouth?
RC: You mean talking?
Nash: Yes. Please stop doing that. (Rubbing his temples) Oh god.
RC: What did you guys do last night?
Nash: Nothing! Okay, well, you know, normal con stuff. I mean we got in, we had a few drinks, then I made absolutely sure everybody had a glass of water and some aspirin and put 'em to bed.
RC: Aspirin? From where?
Nash: Oh, oh shit man, I forgot. Yeah, I grabbed some out of your bag while you were gone. I'm sorry.
RC: Dude, that was my roommate's Ritalin.
Nash: Huh. (And we cut to last night of Nash going crazy on a drumming game!) Well that explains a few things.
RC: Yeah, not entirely.
(The two of them are now in the bathroom where Linkara is passed out in the tub)
Linkara: (still high) No, go on without me! The needs of the many outweigh...outweight...a duck!
(Nash and RC look at each other)
Nash: The hell happened to him?
(Cut to a clip of several congoers in costume running away from Linkara holding a Pokeball)
Linkara: Gotta catch 'em all!
(Back to the present)
Linkara: You know, you wouldn't think you could fit a toddler inside one of those things. But with a little determination...
RC: Hey, aren't we still missing a moron?
(Nash and Linkara look at each other, then sigh. A closet door has a Privacy Please placard on it before they open it up to reveal Film Brain is hung on a hanger)
Linkara: What happened to you?
(Cut to a scene of FB walking through the con with a silly grin on his face while Johnathon Coulton's "I Feel Fantastic" plays. Other scenes involve a Nerf war going on behind him, standing in front of R2D2, being fawned over by two girls, and a fight behind him)
FB: (sadly) I lost my wallet, or my soul. And I can't remember which.
(The three sit down on the bed, rubbing their heads)
RC: So, am I gonna have to call somebody or can I trust you guys not to die on me? (The three of them mumble along the line of "whatever) So here's what you guys are doing. Get some food, go through the stuff you got last night, and then just chill, okay? Can you do that? (The guys mumble while Nash gives a thumbs up) Okay, great. I'm gonna take a shit.
(RC leaves. Linkara just realizes what he said)
Linkara: Wait, we bought stuff?
(The guys are going through their stuff. Nash pulls out a filter. Linkara pulls out a heeled boot made for a woman. Nash pulls out some Ben & Jerry's and a candy bar before they finally get to the Bluray cover of The Punisher 1989)
Nash: Well we pretty much all saw that one coming.
FB (vo): New World Pictures is best known for being one of the most prolific low budget studios of the 80s and early 90s, with some of their films considered cult classics (Heathers), some not-so-classic (Godzilla 1985), and some of them are just plain bad (Felix the Cat: The Movie), and in 1986, the legendary schlockhouse bought Marvel Entertainment lock, stock and barrel, leading to a 1989 film about one of the biggest grim and gritty characters in the Marvel Universe: The Punisher.
(Picture of The Punisher: War Journal #8 is shown)
Linkara (vo): Ah, the Punisher. The character who put the "anti" in antihero. (Picture of Amazing Spider-Man #129, which was the first appearance of the character) Originally a side character in a Spider-Man story, Frank Castle gained a bizarre popularity throughout the 80s. I say bizarre because in a world of gamma powered behemoths (Hulk), Norse gods (Thor), and titans from space (Thanos), the Punisher stood out like a sore thumb. (Picture of Punisher MAX #1) being that his superpower was essentially shooting people to death. But at the dawn of the 90s, the Punisher was so big that a film seemed like a sure bet.
(A meme of Grumpy Cat is posted saying "Really?!?! I don't think so!")
Nash (vo): Except...not so much. (Picture of a Monopoly Bankruptcy card) New World Pictures ran into financial difficulties. (A meme is posted of a cat covered in snow saying "Cocaine. So Much Cocaine.") Possibly due to the fact that cocaine isn't something you can write off in your taxes. While the film did get a wide release in most of the world, making it officially the first Marvel movie to hit the big screen, (The title screen of Howard the Duck is shown with the caption of "With one horrible, horrible exception...") it never saw theaters in America. The best it got was a quiet direct to video release in 1991 and after that such a vicious beating from the critics that... The Punisher wasn't just its title, it was its description.
Nash: So why are we watching this thing?
Linkara: Well it's either that or we go downstairs and face up to whatever we did last night.
FB: Or we can take the least painful option and jump out the window.
(The three think about it, then decide not to. We then come to the opening of the movie)
Nash (vo): Is it me, or is this familiar somehow?
Linkara (vo): Oh lord, I know what it is. Frank Castle in the 25th Century!
(A clip of Buck Rogers in the 25th Century's opening is shown in comparison to The Punisher's opening)
FB (vo): Does... does this mean this is gonna go on for 400 years?
Linkara (vo): Race you to the window!
Nash (vo): No you don't! Me first!
FB (vo): The hell you say!
(Glass breaking is heard. A news report then comes on)
News Anchor: After nearly five years of appeals, Dino Moretti, reputed lieutenant of the Franco crime family, was released from prison today and acquitted of all charges in connection with the murder of police officer Frank Castle and his family. Moretti has long maintained his innocence, and claims he has no idea who is responsible for the 125 mysterious gangland murders often attributed to a shadowy figure known as the Punisher, which have occurred in the city over the last half decade.
Linkara (vo): (as Reporter) In other news, OCP announced their new Robocop--wait, sorry, wrong movie.
Nash (vo): So the movie starts with the release from prison of the man who killed the Punisher's family. Or Thurston Howell III. You make the call.
(Moretti is surrounded by news reporters as he leaves the courthouse)
Dino Moretti: I've made the appeal a hundred times. Dust in the wind. This is America. If a man is innocent, justice prevails.
FB (vo): Do we even have to mock that line?
Linkara (vo): Life is a mockery of that line.
Moretti: Now this Punisher, whoever he is, if he ever shows up 1000 yard of me, he'll find out what the word "punished" really means.
Nash (vo): Is it me or does he really enjoy the prospect of that punishment?
(One of the people watching the scene rides away on a motorcycle)
Linkara (vo): 50 Shades of "Classy" Freddie Blassie.
FB (vo): Our villain heads home to celebrate his release from prison, but the Punisher is unhappy he wasn't invited.
Moretti: Okay, enough with the jokes. Break out the champagne.
Bodyguard: I'll get it, boss.
Moretti: No. First things first, you check the house while I get the champagne.
Linkara (vo): (as Bodyguard) Okay boys, usual drills. Split up, don't keep in radio contact, and never yell for help.
FB (vo): Sure thing.
Nash (vo): You got it.
(One of the guards walks into a room lined with mirrors)
Nash (vo): Yes, the hall of mirrors ensemble. For the man who wants a bedroom that says "Please, murder somebody." New from Pier One. (A fist punches through a grate, stabbing the bodyguard dead)
(The next scene shows one of the guards kicked off a rail and onto the floor below, killing him)
FB (vo): Notice how the Punisher kicks this guy over a railing, but the mobster's gun seems to have missed its cue and slides in from off-screen. (The scene is replayed showing the gun sliding in off-screen)
(One of the guards inspects the dead body, only to be choked out by a noose)
Nash (vo): One clothesline lariat later and all the boss's flunkies are dead.
Moretti: (coming in with champagne) Alright guys, party time!
(He spots the bodies and drops the tray of glasses, getting his gun out)
Linkara (vo): (as Moretti) Oh no, now I have too many hors d'oeuvres.
(Moretti turns around to the camera)
(He shoots out, making the reporters run to the mansion)
Reporter: Put down those cameras! Keep 'em rolling! Come on, guys! Move it!
(Suddenly the mansion explodes)
FB (vo): This is why you don't buy mansions from Michael Bay.
(Moretti steps out of the mansion dizzy)
Linkara (vo): Okay, you're one sound effect away from being Looney Tunes here.
(Tweeting bird sounds are added as Moretti drops dead with a knife in his back which has a skull on it)
Linkara (vo): There it is.
(A shadowy figure is seen in the doorway, confirming the existence of the Punisher)
Reporter: Move in for a close-up! Get a close-up! You getting that?
Linkara (vo): (as Frank) No autographs!
(The mansion explodes again, turning it to rubble)
Nash: Is that it?
FB: Well, he did just blow up, so, maybe?
Linkara: No, it's a comic book movie. Coming back from an apparent death is pretty standard.
(FB nods at this)
Nash: Jesus should sue.
(The scene then goes through a sewer)
Frank Castle: Come on, God. Answer me. For years I've been asking why are the innocent dead and the guilty alive. Where is justice? Where is punishment? Or have you already answered? Have you already said to the world, "Here is justice. Here is punishment."
(The scene then zooms in on Frank naked and meditating in his sewer lair)
Linkara (vo): You know, if you find yourself naked in a sewer and talking to the Lord Almighty, maybe crimefighting shouldn't be your top priority.
Nash (vo): Back at the crime scene, Frank's ex-partner, Jake Berkowitz, is sifting through the ashes.
Chief: Jake, we cannot let the public think there is some psychotic ex-cop running around whacking out wiseguys like he's got a hunting license.
Jake Berkowitz: Why not, hm? Why not?
Chief: Berkowitz, it's late, I'm tired. You were warned. What the hell ever happened to you?
FB (vo): Had to guess, Iron Eagle 3.
Sam Leary: I'm Detective Sam Leary.
Sam: Samantha. I worked with you once, five years ago. The Moretti heroin bust. He was my first assignment in plainclothes. I was the hooker.
Nash (vo): Man, if I had a dollar for every time someone's tried to jog my memory with that line.
Sam: I believe that Frank Castle's the Punisher.
(Jake looks back after she said that)
Jake: You know where my office is?
Jake: You be there at 9 o'clock.
Linkara (vo): So all it took to convince him was to believe his crackpot conspiracy theory?
Nash (vo): Why not? Works for GamerGate. And now we meet our villain, Gianni Franco.
Linkara (vo): I thought the other guy was the villain.
Nash (vo): No, he was just the guy who killed the Punisher's family. This is our real villain.
FB (vo): It's like they fast-forwarded through the good movie and skipped straight into the crappy sequel.
Reporter 1: Aren't you afraid of the Punisher?
Gianni Franco: The Punisher? You know I'm thinking you guys made that up to sell newspapers. There is no Punisher.
Reporter 2: Then what's been killing your associates for the last five years?
Franco: Well too much stress, I guess.
Nash (vo): Since when are the symptoms of stress including "blowing the fuck up?"
Franco: There's not going to be any such thing as Families anymore, Jim. It's old thinking, it's dead thinking. There'll be no more wars, no more territories.
Linkara (vo): (singing) Imagine all the mobsters. Living for today. Ooh ooh oohh.
(We then cut to a man getting thrown out of a bar. He turns around to see a remote controlled truck driving towards him with a bottle of booze)
Nash (vo): Would someone please tell me what the hell I'm looking at?
Linkara (vo): I could be wrong, but it looks like an early cut of Home Alone 3.
FB (vo): This sorry excuse for comic relief is Shakes, a washed-up theater actor who's now the Punisher's partner.
Linkara (vo): Wait, no. In the comics, the Punisher is partnered with (pictures of) Microchip, a hacker whose nephew was murdered by a crime boss. He built the Punisher's weapons, armor, and equipment. What does this Shakes guy do?
Nash (vo): Apparently his job duties include exposition and not being funny.
Frank: Where is the dope coming into?
Shakes: The dope, ah, the dope. Ah, Pier 30. But the location's not the big story. Who'll be there is.
Frank: Who'll be there?
Shakes: Everyone. They're all working together now. Mr. P. Happy hunting!
Linkara (vo): (as Shakes) Thanks for helping me destroy my liver!
FB (vo): The Punisher acts on the tip and shows up to stop the shipment, but he's got some competition.
(A group of people in swimsuits climb onto the boat and kill everyone there)
Nash (vo): Who the hell are these guys?
Linkara (vo): Frogmen ninjas? It's like the entire 80s wanted a part of this movie.
(Two of the frogmen revealing their masks, revealing themselves to be Japanese. Meanwhile Frank is on a perch with a crossbow, aiming it at the mobsters below)
FB (vo): Eenie, meenie, miney...
(Suddenly one of the frogmen tosses a knife into a mobster's throat)
Nash (vo): (as Frank) Hey I called those mobs! Quit killstealing!
(Frank then fires his crossbow bolt at one of the mobsters which has a line attached to it, pinning him to a van. Frank then slides down the line shooting at everyone he can)
Linkara (vo): Apparently the relevancy of physics is inversely proportional to how badass you look.
(Frank then gets a shotgun out and kills anyone that targets him)
FB (vo): At some point, he gives up trying to make sense and starts shooting everyone. It doesn't last very long.
(Frank then gets a knife tossed into his chest, knocking him into the water. One of the frogmen then shoots where Frank splashed to make sure he's dead)
Linkara (vo): Yep, that water's dead. (Frank then picks up a knife he had heating up in some embers) The Punisher retreats to the sewer to recover from his wounds. That's a bit like gargling with ebola to recover from the flu.
(Frank then puts the heated knife to his wound to cauterize it, making him scream loud enough that it echoes through the sewer....and through the toilet Rap Critic is sitting in while he's reading "Lies My Teacher Told Me." Rap Critic is quite scared!)
RC: Oh god I'm sorry!
FB (vo): Back with the mob, we find out the identity of our frogmen: the Yakuza.
Lady Tanaka: We could cripple all your operations legal, as well as illegal very easily.
Franco: Define the term.
Nash (vo): Let's see, what's the technical way of saying "Bend over and spread 'em?"
Mobster: I don't know about the rest of you guys, but the rest of the Delito Family gives up shit. We don't work for nobody! Who the fuck do you think you are?
(He made the wrong move of pointing his finger at Tanaka who then twists his arm)
Tanaka: We are Yakuza. When your ancestors were shepherds still screwing sheep on the Mediterranean Coast, ours were the crime lords of Asia.
FB (vo): Actually I don't think that's a starkly accurate--Christ, my honor!
Linkara (vo): While the mob prepares for war, Jake's new partner, Sam, teaches him about computors.
Jake: Now what do you think you're gonna do with that? Play Ms. Pac-Man or something?
Sam: Hopefully find Castle.
Jake: No shit?
Sam: No shit.
Jake: Uh huh. Just how are you gonna accomplish this little miracle?
Nash (vo): (as Sam) I'm just gonna make up a bunch of bullshit because it's 1989 and the audience still thinks computers have little people living in them.
Jake: I've been living with this board for five years. Everytime he kills somebody, I put a red pin in it. I find truth in every alley, every building in this city. And so far, the only thing I've got to show for it, (picking up one of Frank's skull knives) is these little calling cards here, (he opens up a box and pulls out a handful of bullet casings) and a whole bunch of these.
Linkara (vo): Shouldn't those be locked up in Evidence?
FB (vo): While this is going on, Shakes stops in to talk to his buddy, Mr. P.
Shakes: And what about the children?
Frank: What children?
Shakes: The children of the new bosses are now counted among their losses. They're being held for ransom by the Japanese.
Frank: So the bosses will have to pay up.
Shakes: Pay they will and all for naught. The children will be sold by the slave trade--(Frank's castle muffles that last bit) By God, man, don't you see? This is a result of your five year killing spree. Weakening the fathers to such degrees that they couldn't protect their own families.
Linkara: This is stupid. Why does he rhyme?
FB: And he only does it half the time.
Linkara: Wait, what just happened?
Nash: What do you mean?
Linkara: He's rhyming just like in the scene.
(FB covers his mouth)
Nash: You did it, too!
Linkara: Oh crap, you're right!
Nash: Now we're all rhyming!
FB: What rhymes with right?
Linkara: Hey knock it off! This thing just sucks!
Nash: This movie really gives no fucks.
(And he gets beaten up for that ridiculous rhyme!)
(The scene is now in an illegal casino/strip club)
Nash (vo): The Punisher takes up the hunt for the missing kids in--(noticing the scene) Holy Jesus, what is this madness?
(One of the dancers' breasts are covered with a Punisher skull)
FB (vo): Don't...don't you know? You were alive in the 80s.
Nash (vo): I was like 12 when this movie came out. How old do you think I am?
Linkara (vo): I don't know. Fifty?
Nash (vo): You are both cordially invited to jump right up my ass.
(Frank busts into the casino through the skylight. He grabs one of the Yakuza goons)
Frank: Every day the children are gone is gonna cost you money.
(Frank then begins shooting up the place with his heavy machine gun. Nash now has an AK47 and is shooting wildly, surprising the guys)
Linkara: The hell are you doing!?
Nash: I don't know!
(Another shot of Frank shooting up the club, then we come back to FB shooting his own gun)
FB: I don't know how it feels to do this, but it feels so right!
(Another shot of Frank shooting the place up, then Linkara's got his own uzi and is joining the shooting spree, cut in with more scenes of Frank until they're interrupted by Rap Critic)
RC: Hey! Will you people keep it down? I'm trying to apologize to the toilet!
(The guys calm down, then put their guns down)
FB: I kind of hate this review.
Linkara: I wrote my name.
Nash (vo): On a tip from Shakes the clown here, the Punisher checks an abandoned amusement park for the kids.
Linkara (vo): Does anything good happen in an abandoned amusement park? We should just make a Federal law to torch the places the minute the last carnie's out.
FB (vo): A cursory exploration reveals a trap comprised of the Yakuza's deadliest soldier: fun slide commandos!
(Hitmen slide down the slides as "whees" are added in in various pitches from high to deep. Frank is taken down by the overwhelming numbers)
Linkara (vo): Overwhelmed by the slip sliding good time, the Punisher finds himself in the clutches of the Yakuza.
(Frank is chained up on a rack, being interrogated by Tanaka)
Tanaka: You nearly cost us $2 million dollars in cash. How much pain do you think that buys?
Frank: Is the question true/false or multiple choice?
Nash (vo): What? What? What the hell does that even mean? Does anybody even read their lines in the script?
(Frank is stretched out on the rack)
Tanaka: Who sent you?
Linkara (vo): You know, there actually was a Punisher/Batman crossover, so the sad thing is that answer could be considered canon.
FB (vo): Yet no one cares.
Nash (vo): When torturing the Punisher doesn't work, the Yakuza boss turns her attention to Shakes... (the guys cheer Yay!) and she decides she has important business elsewhere, so she leaves the torture to her underlings.
FB (vo): Excuse me Miss, there's a Dr. No on line two. He has notes about your torture protocols.
(Frank is slowly loosening the binds on his wrist)
Frank: Wait. Come here. (He finally gets loose) Sayonara. (He grabs a gun from one of the goons and shoots them dead, then aims his gun at the torturer in the room)
Linkara (vo): If you could see that coming, you're not alone. It was visible from space. The tables turned, Frank tortures out the location of the kids.
(Frank now leaves the torturer onto the rack to be stretched out to death. The odd thing revealed is the guy was wearing red high heels)
FB (vo): The great mysteries. Who built Stonehenge? Where did the Mayans go? And why the hell is this man wearing high heels?
(Frank then steals a bus while the driver is on a coffee break)
Linkara (vo): Frank steals a bus, because low profile be damned, and heads off to bust them out.
(As the kids are being led through the corridors, Frank clubs a guard over the head and then breaks his neck before tossing a knife at another guard, killing him. He kneels down towards one of the kids)
Frank: I'm here to take you home.
Nash (vo): (as Girl) Thank you, Crazy Elvis.
(Frank leads the kids onto the bus)
Frank: Into the bus. Move it, move it.
Boy 1: They took Tommy away!
Boy 1: Down the corridor!
Boy 2: (sounding more like a grown woman) Cathy! Where's Cathy?
Nash: I gotta say, the ADR is great.
Linkara: (with Nash's voice) Top notch.
FB: (with Rap Critic's voice) Perfection.
Nash (vo): The Punisher heads back for the stragglers and...wait, I didn't know Super Mario Bros. had a sewer level.
(While Frank and Tommy run through the corridor, the music sounds like the Underground theme in Super Mario Bros. A thud is heard and Frank points his gun, finding it's Cathy)
Cathy: I came back for my dolly.
(Once Frank lowers his guard, a Yakuza goon attacks)
Linkara (vo): (as goon) No, my dolly!
(After reinforcements come, Frank runs away)
FB (vo): A whole pier of armed ninjas is no problems, but two guys with guns? Fuck that, you're on your own, kid!
(Tommy was left behind during the battle. Frank then drives the bus off)
Nash (vo): The kidnapped express gets underway, but the stereotype convoy is on hot pursuit.
(One of the goons grabs onto the window, but two girls in the bus bash and pry his hands off until he falls onto the road and then gets run over)
Linkara (vo): That's it, girls. You'll be Junior Punishers in no time.
(Frank nudges one of the cars in front of him into a truck which explodes the second it makes contact!)
FB (vo): Oh the 80s, where making more than moderate contact with a vehicle causes an instant explosion.
Nash (vo): Somewhere Ralph Nader just perked up.
(A police barricade is on the road, making the Yakuza break off)
Linkara (vo): Wait, you'll have a reckless chase across the city causing untold carnage, but the sight of police makes you back down? Did you even read your villain orientation guide or did you just skim it?
Kid: It's okay.
(Frank comes out of the bus holding Cathy in his arms)
Nash (vo): (as Frank) Okay, you got me. I didn't pay my bus fare. What is it? Buck twenty five?
FB (vo): As Frank sits in jail, his ex-partner pays him a visit.
Jake: What the hell happened, Frank?
Frank: Frank is dead, all right?
Jake: Oh, I see. So, uh... you decided everyone else had to be dead too, is that it?
Frank: No. If you're guilty, you're dead.
Linkara (vo): Tell that to Merrill Lynch.
Jake: This is no fucking joke here. They are going to electrocute you, and there's nothing I can do anything about. But you gotta talk to me, man. (He slaps some sense into Frank) You gotta let me in. Let me in!
Nash (vo): (as Jake) Let me in or slapfight with me! One or the other!
(The paddy wagon that Frank is in is ambushed by the mafia, and he's sprayed knockout gas by them)
Linkara (vo): By complete random chance, the kid the Punisher left behind was Franco's son. So he calls in all his favors and assembles a small personal army to retrieve the boy. Wait, no, I'm sorry. I meant he does the stupid thing.
(Frank is now face to face with Franco)
Franco: I want him back. I can't do it myself, or I would. I need you, Castle. I'll give you anything you want, I'll do anything you wish.
FB (vo): Bothering to recruit the man who singlehandedly killed 125 of your mean to do you a favor? The only way he could add morbidity to this is if you kidnapped his ex-partner--(Franco opens the door to reveal Jake) Oh there it is.
Nash (vo): With a gun to his partner's head, the Punisher teams up with his mortal enemy and gets--(Noticing Shakes is in the scene) Oh why the fuck is the actor there?
Linkara (vo): When the anchor of your plan at any moment could descend into DTs and hallucinations, your plan is bad!
Franco: (holding a bulletproof vest out for Frank) Here, just in case. (Frank bends down to get something else, making Franco toss it away) Have it your way.
Nash (vo): (as Franco) I just won't get you things anymore. You happy?
FB (vo): Elsewhere, Jake has a special weapon to facilitate escape: his bladder.
Jake: I gotta take a leak. (The next scene has the mobster leading Jake with his hands cuffed behind him) Are you gonna handle the equipment for me?
(The mobster uncuffs him)
Mobster: Here, frog.
Jake: Hey, can I ask you a question?
Jake: Is an IQ test required for this job?
(Jake knocks the guy out, then takes his gun)
Linkara (vo): Uh yeah, if you didn't see that coming, do us all a favor and avoid operating heavy machinery.
Nash (vo): Franco and the Punisher--That sounds like a 70s cop drama. Anyway, they begin their assault on the Yakuza fortress.
(The two of them get out of the elevator and mow down all the goons there who decided to bring katanas to a gunfight!)
FB (vo): Paper beats rock, scissors beats paper, machine guns beat swords. It's called the 20th century, people!
(As a group of guards appear, the lights go out and shooting is heard, and the muzzle flash from the guns are seen. The lights are now red when they come on)
Linkara (vo): (as Goon) Uh, maybe we shot them so hard they disappeared.
(The group of guards is shot dead through the rice paper)
FB (vo): By this point, Franco and the Punisher are doing the Yakuza's HR department a favor.
Linkara: So why is it when power goes out in an action movie, the lights go all red?
FB: I think the idea is that it allows you to see better in low light.
Nash: Let's try it! (Nash cocks a gun and shoots the fuse, blacking out the room. The room is now lit red all over) Now what do you see?
Linkara: Three idiots under a red light.
FB: It works!
Nash (vo): Franco spots the Yakuza boss and her American Ninja daughter making off with his son, but before she can kill the kid, the Punisher catches up into a showdown between the Punisher and a teenage girl.
Linkara (vo): That's...bizarrely progressive, actually.
(The girl kicks at Frank who blocks it, then gets her into a headlock. She tries to struggle to break out of it, but he then snaps her neck, killing her)
FB (vo): You were saying?
Linkara (vo): I hate this movie.
(Frank pulls out a knife in his thigh from the fight. Meanwhile, Franco catches up to Tanaka and his son, Tommy. Tanaka puts a knife to the boy's throat)
Tanaka: Not another step, Mr. Franco.
Franco: Oh you can't win here! You kill him, I kill you.
Tanaka: And who loses more?
Nash (vo): You, you crazy geisha fuckwit!
Franco: What do you want?
Tanaka: On your knees. (beat) On your knees!!
FB (vo): Jeez, buy a guy dinner first.
(Frank busts in through a window to the Kool-Aid Man going OH YEAH. He throws the knife at Tanaka's head, killing her to the sound of C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!)
Linkara (vo): Now that the Yakuza boss is dead, Franco and the Punisher face off. So what's your move, Franco?
(Franco is now pointing his gun at a worn and weary Frank)
Franco: You've done something I've never dreamed possible. You've wiped out the competition. Thanks to you, there's only me.
Linkara (vo): Ah, leave him no choice but to kill you. I see. You are a nincompoop!
(Frank takes that distraction to kick the gun out of Franco's hand. The two wrestle for it until a shot is heard)
Nash (vo): So who's laying odds that the Punisher was actually the one shot and not Franco?
FB and Linkara (vo): No bet.
(Franco reaches into his jacket, feeling that he was the one who got shot before dropping dead)
Linkara (vo): (as Franco) Someone... filled my pocket... with ketchup.
(Tommy now has the gun to Frank's head, wanting to avenge his father)
FB (vo): With his father dead, Tommy takes up the gun.
(Frank puts the gun onto his forehead)
Frank: Come on. Do it. Do it.
(The guys are chanting "Do it," hoping Tommy will pull the trigger. He can't and he puts the gun down as he cries)
Guys: Damn it!
Frank: You're a good boy, Tommy. Grow up to be a good man. (Frank then stands up) Because if not, I'll be waiting.
Nash (vo): Yeah, threaten a child with looming murder. That'll keep him in line.
Linkara (vo): As the Punisher slips off, Jake and the cops show up to find the biggest insurance claim since the Hindenburg.
(Jake runs out to the balcony trying to find Frank, but he's already long gone)
FB (vo): What? He's not going to come back. He's a vigilante, not a corgi.
(His scream echoes as we zoom out from the building. We then cut back to the sewers)
Frank: I still talk to God sometimes. I ask Him if what I'm doing is right or wrong. I'm still waiting for an answer. And until I get one, I'll be out here. Waiting. Watching.
Nash (vo): And buck-ass naked.
Nash: So, that was The Punisher. So, how was it?
(The guys groan while FB facepalms)
FB (vo): As a movie, The Punisher does have some good points. Lou Gossett, Jr. as the Punisher's ex-partner and Kim Miyori as the Yakuza boss turn in surprisingly good performances with Gossett acting his heart out in what was to be a throwaway role. But Dolph Lundgren thought they could either get away on a bad (Sylvester) Stallone impression, or was barely conscious for the duration, because his performance is just ridiculous.
Linkara (vo): As a comic adaptation, the story actually is a Punisher type tale, and more or less true to the character, but the execution is incredibly lacking. If anything, the script spends too much time on the mob elements, and not nearly enough exploring the motivation of Frank Castle. A work print supposedly exists that fleshes out Castle's background more thoroughly, but the official release leaves Frank less determined and more just plain crazy.
Nash (vo): It doesn't help that this thing is a heaping helping of 80s. It's all the tropes and cliches of an action flick without even the slightest modicum of the depth of that genre. And yes, I realize that's about as deep as an inverted teaspoon. What's left is crazy, hammy, overplayed and at times, completely nonsensical. The Punisher might have started as a comic book, but the resulting movie ends up turning into a cartoon.
Linkara: Thank God it's over!
Nash: I am prepared to thank every deity, creed and denomination at this point.
FB: Well that killed a couple hours. Think it's safe to go back down to the con floor?
(A knock is heard on the door. The guys open up to reveal Cinema Snob naked in the hall)
CS: Whew. What did we do last night?
(The guys are stunned by this. Then we go to credits which involves outtakes, starting with RC, Linkara and Nash)
Linkara: Why are you holding onto me?
Nash: I like you that much.
(The guys laugh it off before we go to the next scene of FB hanging in the closet)
FB: I lost my wallet, or my soul.
(And then he corpses the take. The next scene is of CS in the doorway while people walk into the shot)\
CS: What did we do last night?
Nash: Some people in the shot.
(This gets everyone laughing)
CS: There's room for more.
(After that bit of laughing, the next scene is of Nash and RC on the bed)
Nash: I gotta do it again. I didn't like that.
Nash: I suck!
RC: You're smart. Get it right.
(Nash and RC break out laughing. One more scene of the guys)
FB: I kind of hate this review.
Linkara: I wrote my name.
(The group corpses again! One more scene of the guys)
Linkara: Hi, Brad's junk!
CS: Check out my dick.
(After that last bit of laughs, we come to the Channel Awesome logo. The last scene is of Moretti falling down dead)