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The Princess and the Pea (Bevanfield)

ThePrincessandthePea-Bevanfield.jpeg

Aired
April 15, 2022
Running time
22:14
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Phelous: The Princess and the Pea is a rather pointless story, and as you might have guessed, the Bevanfield adaptation of it adds a whole new level of pointlessness to the whole affair.

Phelous: This Bevanfield release is another injection of yippee beans from the Daily Mail with their lazy little cardboard sleeve cover.

Phelous (VO): There's something really amusing about the stupid over sensationalized stories in a tabloid newspaper coming with the overdose of melatonin that is Bevanfield.

Narrator: "Oh", said the prince, completely uninterested.

Phelous (VO): You know, you'd think yippee bean injections would be more exciting than this.

Phelous: The Princess and the Pea really needs a whole lot to be added to it for it to be really much of a story at all, because there's not a whole lot to it.

Phelous (VO): It is one of Hans Christian Andersen's shortest stories as you can see because there it is, that's the entire original Princess and the Pea story right there.

Narrator: "Oh", said the prince, completely uninterested.

Phelous (VO): There's a reason the only part of this story you remember is the princess on all the mattresses with the pea under them, because... nothing else really happens, which is why almost every book cover for this story looks the same.

Phelous: I guess even reviewers back in 1835 when it was released kind of wondered what the point was. Also, they disliked the informal chatty nature in which it was written, because that was pure poppycock!

Phelous (VO): It kind of seems like people struggle to give meaning to this story, too. Like some have taken it saying that the princess being so sensitive, she can feel the pea under 20 mattresses is it saying something about women or the upper class being thin-skinned. Some people say it means something about the princess being emotionally sensitive to others, and that is true nobility rather than someone's birth.

Phelous: And those two takes are wildly different from each other. Maybe the real moral of the story is peas don't belong in bed, so don't be a pissy pants!

Phelous (VO): Saying that's a commentary on being a good person meaning more than your bloodline is probably the best moral to pea milk out of it! But then it's kind of weird that it's the born into nobility queen who says that a true princess would feel the pea under 20 mattresses.

Phelous: Also, I guess you have to assume that pea princess is lying in the first place about being a princess for her bloodline to not matter.

Phelous (VO): Another take on the story is that Hans Christian Andersen was making a jab at the ridiculous measures the upper class takes to make sure people belong in their little inner circle.

Phelous: Again, though, this makes it weird that the pea plan is the queen's and that it works as intended.

Phelous (VO): If the plan backfired and the pea princess wasn't a real princess, I could see that message in it more, but the story just seems to say that she was a legit princess. Hell, this pea apparently even bruises this princess up during her vegetable interrupted slumber!

Phelous: Maybe Hans Christian Andersen just really hated peas.

Phelous (VO): I wish there was more to the story so I could delay looking at the Bevanfield adaptation even longer. Now this is another in that extra lazy Tell me a Story series by Bevanfield so it's all that Geoffrey Matthews again, who is now one person instead of two on IMDb.

Phelous: I... hate that tune... so much at this point!

Phelous (VO): And if that's not enough repetition for you, prepare for amazement as we fade out of this shot into the same damn shot! Just like every one of these lazy-ass Bevanfield Tell Me a Story stories do! And now taking a closer look at Pea Castle here, we see that it totally blows. Like, there's not even any real land surrounding it. I don't even know how anyone really goes there it's so steep and rocky around it.

Phelous: But no one likely ever wants to go there anyway considering the idiots inside!

Phelous (VO): Well, I sure hope you like people shaking their head, that's about 90% of the runtime of this thing. I know Bevanfield loves their reused animation, but this really starts testing your patience hard extra quickly. I just wanted to wring that stupid head shaking queen's neck by the end of this!

Narrator: There came a time when the king thought it was time for the prince to marry, so he said to his wife, the queen, "Isn't it time that young son of ours got married?".

Phelous: He thought their son should get married, and then he said their son should get married. That's some real setup and payoff right there.

Phelous (VO): I love this stupid king and his beard that he apparently combs with a fork. The queen then does that stupid Phlox smile, which just makes me want to punch her even more!

Narrator: A little later, the prince fell in love.

Phelous (VO): Well, if the prince is in love with this woman, story over, I guess.

Narrator: "This is Karen.". "Hello, Karen." "Yeah.", said Karen.

Narrator: "Course not!", shouted the girl.

Phelous (VO): Oh, she squeaks when she curtsies. Can't marry that monster.

Narrator: "Mwaaa-haaa-haaa!", said the queen rather shocked. "And what do you do?". "I work at the French cafe in the corner.".

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) "You know, that olden times French cafe that you need to jump off your castle cliff to get to.".

Narrator: "Oh my goodness!", she said, "What a dreadful person!".

Phelous (VO): Yeah, she is dreadful because... uh, she wasn't a princess? I guess if the point of the pea story was that your bloodline doesn't really matter, well, Bevanfield's going in another direction.

Narrator: "I thought she was rather nice". "Oh, no.", said queen, "My dear boy must have a young lady suited to his position.".

Phelous (VO): I guess lucky for Queen Headshake, Prince Loserlocks and Karen broke up off screen anyway, and then he comes home with a new girl.

Narrator: "I'd like to introduce you to Bob.". "nuh, Bob?". "Bob?" said the queen, "Did you say Bob?". "Hi, they call me Bob on the construction site while I work.".

Phelous: Ladies and gentlemen, the comedy stylings of Bevanfield!

Narrator: "You're not a princess then.". "I should say not.", said Bob, "Can you imagine what would happen to me?".

Phelous (VO): Oh, enough of the dumb sound effects when they curtsy. And Bob's got boobs the size of her head, so this is some real risqué shit from Bevanfield.

Narrator: "This is terrible.".

Phelous: I agree.

Phelous (VO): So in Bevanfield's version, Prince Doofus I guess keeps having relationships with dirty commoners which are ruined by his disapproving mother. If there was a message to be found in the original tale, Bevanfield has quite effectively smothered it to death. Also, is the evil queen an elf?

Narrator: Having fallen in love with a plan. "I want you to meet Ziggy.".

Phelous: (as Al) Ah, according to Ziggy, Sam, you gotta make sure she peas the bed to prove her worthiness. These plots are gettin' kinda bad.

Narrator: "Are you a princess?". "Oh, no.", said Ziggy, "I'm an actress.". "An actress?".

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) We can afford an actress in this lazy cartoon!

Phelous (VO): (normally) You know, I get the feeling Prince Dummylocks has a certain type he's into.

Narrator: "Oh dear", said the queen. "I once played princess at the best theaters to rave reviews.". "Oh.", said the prince, completely uninterested. "Oh, really?", said the king, enthralled, "I should like to see that. Perhaps we could persuade you to repeat your acclaimed performance.". Ziggy immediately agreed, but the play was cancelled because the queen developed a severe headache.

Phelous: This is the story of the queen who ruins everyone's lives she touches!

Narrator: They felt it was time to have a very serious talk with their son and perhaps they could help him find a real princess.

Phelous (VO): Or maybe he should be allowed to be with someone he actually likes? Nah, that's not what this story's about.

Narrator: "Uh, your mother and I would like to talk to you about, um, marriage and girlfriends and uh--" "Real princesses.". "Oh.", said the prince, completely uninterested.

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) I think we found you a perfect match, Dummylocks. The evil vegetable mother from Rapunzel!

Narrator: "The girlfriends you bring home are very colorful and exciting, but--". "Not princesses!". "You always seem to be out and about. You must meet some princesses, surely.". "Well, I don't really go out to the places where princesses go.".

Phelous: Do you like feeling as though you're stuck in a boring conversation you have absolutely no interest in? If so, this movie's for you!

Narrator: "Princesses seem to be everywhere. Just look at your cousin Prince Charming, he seems to find princess nearly every month.".

Phelous (VO): Haha, his cousin is Prince Charming. I guess that makes him Prince Charmless!

Narrator: "You should go out with him more often".

Prince Charming: Okay. (jumps out the window)

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) And so he did, and he and his cousin fell in love, much to Monsieur Renard's approval.

Narrator: The queen was left in another estate. Flapping about almost hysterical.

Wʜǝn γoυ ƨǝǝ mǝ ɒϱɒin... iɈ won'Ɉ dǝ mǝ.

Phelous (VO): Bevanfield tries to punch this story up a bit with some more anachronistic bits like the queen calling people on the phone trying to find a princess.

Phelous: I don't know what's sadder, Bevanfield thinking that they needed to improve a story, or Bevanfield thinking that they could improve a story.

Narrator: Meanwhile, the prince continued to see his own girlfriends, including Agnes, the Scottish nurse, who had great impression on the king curing him of all his ailments, and teaching him Scottish country dance.

(Laugh track)

Narrator: However, the queen soon put a stop to it.

Phelous (VO): The queen continues to snuff out others joy. If this story doesn't end with her being vanquished, it's not going to be satisfying.

Phelous: Spoiler, this isn't gonna be satisfying!

Phelous (VO): Time for more hilarity as the queen has gotten a card for The Real Princess Agency and phones them up! Which gives us the first shot in this movie besides the establishing castle one that isn't set in the damn throne room! And this is over nine minutes into this stupid thing!

Narrator: They dialed the number, and a very well-spoken woman answered the telephone.

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) She wondered why the phone was ringing when she had already picked up the receiver, but the answer was of course, because they are too damn lazy to animate someone actually answering the phone.

Narrator: "We have a huge selection of real princesses.".

Phelous: I've never heard of anything more real in my life! So the queen did just call a brothel, right?

Phelous (VO): The prince enters doing that same animation where he's leading a girl in with him by the hand, but he's not supposed to have one with him this time, so they just zoomed it in because lazy!

Narrator: "Your mother and i have something to tell you.". "N'yes, something very important.". "Well?", said the prince, impatiently.

Phelous (VO): You live in dimension molasses, you can't be impatient! And proving that for the next couple of minutes, they discuss the princess agency, and using said agency, and then the prince ponders the agency, then the agency calls back!

Narrator: "Hello? Is Queen Sasha there please?". "N'yes, speaking.". "I think I found a suitable match for your son.".

Phelous (VO): All of this need to be here! Couldn't just have the queen call the agency and then the next thing we see is the princess they've matched the prince with!

Narrator: "What is her name?". "Princess Alexandra.". "Yeah, I haven't heard of her.".

Phelous: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT IF YOU'VE HEARD OF HER OR NOT!! SHUT UP!! MOVE ON!!

Narrator: He arrived, and a rather plump and princess-like lady was waiting.

Phelous (VO): Beggars can't be choosers, Prince Judgy Asshat! Besides, based on the women he was picking up before, it seems like she'd be his type.

Narrator: When the prince arrived home, the king and queen were waiting for the news "What was she like?". "She was all right, nothing special. She wasn't beautiful, rather plain, in fact.". "What are her parent's called?".

Phelous: I DON'T CARE WHAT HER PARENTS ARE CALLED!! NOT EVERYTHING REQUIRES MINUTES OF BORING DISCUSSION!!

Phelous (VO): The prince yawns again, which is the closest this movie ever comes to relating with its audience.

Narrator: The queen sat down, disappointed.

Phelous (VO): She sat down, figurativly. I mean, can you imagine actually animating that?

Narrator: "I'm not sure she is a real princess. I think we should have to test her. I'll use the pea test.".

Phelous: Oh boy, I've always wanted to see the pea test done to multiple subjects. (shakes his head)

Narrator: "Not that old trick.", said king. "That's how you came to marry me.", said the queen.

Phelous (VO): Fuck the pea test then, all that proves is that it detects evil!

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) "Oh, boring on the Moon.". "Yeah.".

Narrator: Queen laid the table and set up her pea test.

Phelous (VO): It was quite disturbing, because she lost her arms while doing it.

Phelous (VO): I seriously didn't add that fart noise there, so I guess the queen is gonna whoopee cushion test the princess, too.

Narrator: The princess arrived.

Phelous (VO): Why is the fan noise just someone going "Hwooh, hwooh, hwooh"?

Narrator: "What a lot of cushions!", said the princess. "Yes, I want you to be extra comfortable.".

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) "Well, that wouldn't be comfortable at all! Oh, look, someone put a pea on this chair!". "Well, that has sucked.".

Phelous (VO): (normally) They then supposedly had dinner together, but the king and queen still sat in their thrones, because even putting their animation models in dinner chairs would have been too much work. And this princess didn't get beaten up by the pea, so she's a FAAAAAAKE!

Phelous (VO): You'd think we could just move on after that, but no, it's Bevanfield, so the king has to ask the queen if the test worked, after already telling us that it failed, so that they can restate it because this movie hates its audience with a PASSION!!

Narrator: The next day, the queen telephoned the agency and asked if another match could be made.

Phelous: (screams into his pillow) You know, I really need about 20 more of these in a pea under them.

Phelous (VO): We get it, movie, the agency doesn't work! We don't need to do it again! Ah-I hate you, Bevanfield!!

Narrator: "Her name is Princess Anastasia.".

Phelous: That sure seems like a stupid idea, so sure, let's add Anastasia to this!

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) "Who are her parents?", asked the queen, as she juggled chainsaws... negatively. "Oh, she's the spawn of some musical instruments, that's her big secret. At least she doesn't have wings now."."

Narrator: "You're not going to try the pea test on our new princess, are you?". "Yes, why not. I'm convinced it works, but this time, I'm going to put it under the mattress of her bed, and add another hundred just to really test her.".

Phelous (VO): Yeah, take that, original story! 20 mattresses wasn't outrageous enough, we'll do five times then, 'cause Bevanfield is so damn funny!

Narrator: "Quite ridiculous.". said the king, taking a rather large bite of toast.

Phelous (VO): Wow, that's some piece of stage business there: eating toast!

Phelous: And that was worth actually animating.

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) Phelan said, as he figuratively ate toast because he doesn't actually want to eat some toast right now.

Phelous (VO): (normally) Anyway, Princess Anastasia's thing is that she's drunk and laughs a lot, I guess.

Narrator: The prince took the princess for a walk in the garden. "You seemed to be getting along very well.". "She's very beautiful, and funny, but silly. All she wants to do is play.".

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) "She's not boring enough for my taste. Get me some plain toast just like dear old daddy.".

Narrator: "She's a princess and you're a prince! That's all the common you need!".

Phelous: That queen is gonna learn a real lesson when the prince marries a commoner at the end! ...Oh, wait, that doesn't happen. Never mind, she learns nothing!

Narrator: That night, the queen showed the princess up to her bedroom.

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) Anastasia said "You're out of your damn mind if you think I'm sleeping on that death trap!".

Narrator: "Oh, what a high bed!".

Phelous (VO): I guess the bed was in the throne room. Kinda odd.

Narrator: "Yes, sure, it helps one to sleep better. Then we ladies must preserve our beauty.", said the queen.

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) She stood there laughing all night instead of sleeping and had gone insane and killed the prince. The end.

Narrator: "Uh, did you all sleep well?". "Oh, wonderful!", said princess. "They didn't seem like real princesses anyway. Maybe the prince should just find his own princess.".

Phelous (VO): That's not what you were saying when you yelled at your son that she was a princess, so prepare to die unhappy with her! Then almost 22 minutes in, we finally meet the title princess of Princess and the Pea! Since Bevanfield was adding all this fluff, you think they could have used some of that time to establish who the main princess actually was, but nah. All you need to know about her is she's someone who loses a battle with a pea.

Narrator: "Hello, is everything all right?". "No, I think he's lame. I'm just going to walk him home.". Prince found her most enchanting and offered to walk with her.

Phelous (VO): Anyway, the jerks found that they both loved abandoning their horses, so they had a lot in common.

Narrator: When they arrived, the girl was surprised to see a palace. "Oh, I forgot to say, i'm a prince.". "Hello.", said the girl.

Phelous: Oh. It was important to note that.

Narrator: The girl didn't say anything about the height of the bed. Not wanting to appear rude.

Phelous (VO): Okay, there's being polite and then there's blindly marching towards your DEATH!

Narrator: "So who is this young lady?". "Her name is Ella, and that's about all I know.".

Phelous: Oh, wow, yeah, they must really be in love considering you found out so much about her.

Phelous (VO): Kind of amazingly inept and lazy of Bevanfield here is they don't even recreate the most iconic image from the story of the princess on top of all the mattresses failing to get to sleep, they seriously just fade out and back in to the next day.

Narrator: "Did you sleep well?".

Phelous (VO): (as Narrator) "YOU LACED MY BED WITH A PEA!!! YOU'VE KILLED MEEEEE!!!!".

Narrator: "It felt as if there was a huge boulder beneath me.".

Phelous (VO): Now that the infallible pea test has proved that she's a princess, we need to question her and make sure she's a princess.

Narrator: "The bed and the size of the room are similar to mine at home.". "And where is that, dear?". "In the neighboring kingdom of Alzac.". "Isn't that where king and queen Michael lived?". "Yes. They are my parents.". So you are a princess!".

Phelous (VO): And being a royal blood is all that matters. No one learns anything, and you get less out of this movie than the original paragraph of a story. At least there, even if you are reaching, you can try and find something in it, here, there's absolutely nothing but despair.

Phelous: Now I'm off to sleep on a million mattresses with a small vegetable under them to see if I'm worth a damn.

(outro)

Phelous: I slept fine. I'm garbage.

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