(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement)
Doug (vo): Well, you all know what I thought of the first Princess Diaries, and now we have the sequel. And, I have to say, it totally took me by surprise. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in such a long, long time. Oh, not because the writing’s any good, not because the acting’s any good. On the contrary, all those elements are absolutely, horrendously awful, resulting in an absolutely hilarious piece of shit. That’s right. It’s one of those “so bad, it’s good” movies. You wouldn’t think that with Disney, this would be the franchise to warrant such a distinction, but, man, it’s not only bad, it’s Nostalgia Critic bad. I mean, I’m seriously thinking about putting this on the list someday.
Story and review
[Note: Throughout this, Doug sounds like he's gonna burst out laughing]
Doug (vo): The story is Anne Hathaway is almost hitting 21, which means she’s gonna be queen soon. But a bad guy, played by John Rhys-Davies, wants to take the throne from her. How do I know? Because he literally announces it.
Viscount Mabrey: [To Mia] You should be more careful, your royal highness. Somebody might try to take that away from you. [As Mia leaves, Viscount speaks to himself] Someone like me.
Doug (vo): And on top of that, everyone, I mean, frigging everyone announces it in the movie, too, like it was made for four-year-olds.
Bridgette: Would you please try to keep up, Brigitta? He's trying to steal the crown.
Doug (vo): [Chuckles] But, wait, it gets better. So, all the parliament decides that in order for Anne Hathaway to become a queen, she has to marry. How does she know this? Because she finds a secret passage that is so obviously labeled, it’s so impossible for it to be called a secret passage. But it gets better. So, they literally invite the villains to stay with them in their palace. Why? Because they want to keep their enemies close, so close that they could sabotage everything, which is exactly what they do! [Chuckles again] But, wait, it gets better. So, the son of the guy who’s trying to take over falls in love with the princess, and they do that cliché where they do nothing but bicker and yell at each other, yet you know they’re gonna get together, yet they forgot to put in any element of them actually liking each other. Look at this scene. They’re yelling and saying how much they hate one another, and then they just kiss. Where the hell did that come from?
Mia: I loathe you!
Nicholas: I loathe you!
(Mia and Nicholas suddenly kiss)
Doug (vo): We’ve seen that cliché before, but there usually has to be something about them that they have in common or they like, and here, there’s nothing, they’re just forced right into it. [Laughs] But, wait! It gets better! Now that she’s gonna become queen in literally 30 days, not only does she have to find someone to marry, but do you think now they’re finally gonna talk about the politics and the importance of her kingdom and touring it and stuff? No! They have more important things like learning how to wave their fans and having slumber parties. That’s right. The fate of their whole nation could crumble in a matter of days, and yet they’re going mattress surfing. Oh, the fate of your country doesn’t matter when you can be having song sequences with Raven. And it just gets stupider and stupider and stupider.
Doug (vo): I am thoroughly convinced that this movie, even though it has a PG rating* and even though it’s marketed to pre-teens, teens and even some adults, would only be enjoyed by kindergarteners. It is literally written for kindergarteners. Sofia the First has more dignity and intelligence than this film. And I enjoyed it from beginning to end. It is that horrendously bad, it’s good. So, yeah, in a strange way, I kind of recommend it. If you’re looking for one of those movies that mocks every cliché and every horrifying storytelling element without it even realizing it’s doing it, then this movie is for you. I can understand someone saying it’s just a cliché, boring piece of crap that there is nothing actually so bad, it’s good in it, but, man, it was full of it for me. This movie brought me so much joy. God bless you, you horrible, horrible film.
[The scene where Mia is crowned queen is shown]
(*Actually, the film is rated G.)