The Pointless Epilogue
July 29rd, 2013
(Webmaster and Thomas stand in front of a dojo background)
Thomas: And there you have it. One dark journey into the unknown.
WM: And one man's sad obsession with meditation.
Thomas: If by sad, you mean dedicated and responsible, then yes.
WM: Just end this whatever
(The background changes to a starry sky)
Thomas: Well, Thank You for joining us.
WM: Oh, Thank You.
Thomas: I think you're being sarcastic.
WM: I think you're right.
Thomas: I think we should move along.
WM: I'm going to.
WM: Fine. Well, that's it, folks. Hope you had a good something 'cause I know I didn't. Tune in next week as we...
Diamanda Hagan: (via Haganistan National News Service) Wait! Wait, wait wait.
WM: Oh, WHAT NOW?!?
Diamanda: I have a show too.
Diamanda: Oh yeah. It's really dark. It's got blood and the internet and porn and all sorts of furry, hairy things that are absolutely terrible and it's got enough fucking fisting in it that makes Caligula look like Dora the Explorer. And I have seen a porn version of Dora the Explorer.
Thomas: What is fisting?
WM: Don't ask.
Thomas: Does it involve the rub-shop rep(?)
Diamanda: Sort of. With fists.
Thomas: Well, maybe we should watch...
WM: No, we're all out of time.
Diamanda: But I threw my soul into this. It's called Diamanda Hagan: A God Empress Saga. It's an epic of a roller coaster. It's one lecher-bitches journey into the dark heart of the world wide web. Not sure what that means. Anyway. There's this wonderful little bit where I am just a tiny little snip of a bitch-ling, barely a lecher at all, and I drag a bunch of teenagers to an island where I force them to hump the most dangerous animal of them all...
(WM and Thomas look at each other)
WM: ... Man?
Diamanda: No, a rabid rhinocerous. What kinda shit do you think I am?
WM: Is that a rhetorical question?
Diamanda: Did I mention there would be adamadamint, with flying monkeys and flaming tridents.
WM: Flying what?
Diamanda: It's a bit of a autobiographical piece. Listen, we've got thousands of cel-shaded images inked in blood.
Thomas: That's sick.
Diamanda: That's HaganstAnimation, baby.
WM: Listen. You're too late.
Diamanda: Oh, well that's the minions' fault. They forgot to set the alarm. Isn't that right?
Minion: Mmm mmm mm mm mm mmmm mmm.
Diamanda: Well, he's kinda got a ball gagged in his mouth right now, but he's totally saying it's his fault.
WM: So, why not take it out on him?
Diamanda: Oh, I am. (Whipping sound) But the Channel still promised me.
WM: Listen, you got a cameo in MikeJ's mockumentary. Isn't that enough?
Diamanda: That wasn't a mockumentary. And that footage went public? I did not sign a consent for that. Just like the fucking British to take advantage of the poor, innocent, hard working people of Haganistan.
WM: I thought she was Irish?
Thomas: I thought she was Swedish?
Diamanda: I'm whatever I want to be and right now, that's pissed. Now I will get what I was promised or I promised that you will get what you deserve.
WM: What are you gonna do? Chuck a potato at me?
Thomas: You know, I really don't think you should antagonize her.
WM: Oh, why, what can she do?
Thomas: Well, she has minions.
WM: Oh, what, the insane clown possy of ninja leprechauns? They couldn't handle a bowl of Lucky Charms.
Thomas: Well, still, I'm just worried that...
WM: Don't be. She's Irish. They're completely harmless.
Diamanda: Oh yeah?
Diamanda: Minions. Destroy the program.
WM: Oh, what're gonna do? This is public access. You have no control here. It's not like you can destroy media from the inside ou...
Diamanda: (answering her phone) Hello? Diamanda Hagan: God Empress of Haganistan here. Yes. Well, it had to be done. (Starts to walk offscreen) He was a dick. Well, I don't see any problem. What do you mean I can't upload videos to Channel Awesome anymore. That was Nash. Oh, so I just killed the Nostalgia Critic. And his brother. What were they doing there? Why was Nostalgia Critic behind the camera? Uh huh. Hmm. I had no idea he felt that way. That explains so much. Oh, yeah and the Radio Dead Air guy, too. Well, how was I supposed to know. It just looked so shitty. I mean, I really thought it was some crap show with no budget. And yeah, I do mean that. Suck my figurative cock. No, wait. Even better. I'll make you suck your own. Oh yeah. The Channel Awesome thing. Um, I'm sorry I killed them, but they had beards. Someone was gonna do it. Ok. Ok. I'll fix it. You know, fly around the earth a hundred times like Superman and reverse time. (Coming back on screen) Yeah I know it's shit. I know that it is shit, but you know I got this. I will fix it. I will fix it. I got this one (Hangs up her phone) Fucking slag. Come over here, superpowerful minion I inexplicably gave Superman powers to when I was high.
Minion: Here I am, Mistress.
Diamanda: Excellent work, cartoon minion. I want you to fly around the earth several thousand times and reverse time.
Minion: But Mistress. That will take all day.
Diamanda: I don't care. Go do it. (Minion groans and leaves) Actually wait. Give it a couple of minutes. I want to see these guys burn.