Editing The Phantom

{{Infobox
|Box title = The Phantom
|Image file = NC_Phantom_by_MaroBot.jpg
|Image size = 320
|Row 1 title = Released
|Row 1 info = July 27, 2010
|Row 2 title = Running time
|Row 2 info = 17:00
|Row 3 title = Previous review
|Row 3 info = [[The Room]]
|Row 4 title = Next review
|Row 4 info = [[Zeus and Roxanne]]
|Row 5 title = Link
|Row 5 info = http://channelawesome.com/nostalgia-critic-the-phantom/}}
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Let’s talk about “The Phantom.” (The advertisement poster for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musical “The Phantom of the Opera” is shown quickly) No, not that “Phantom.” (An image of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Phantom as portrayed by Gerard Butler is shown; NC recoils in disgusts) Definitely not that Phantom! No, believe it or not, there is actually something far worse than Gerard Butler’s singing…..almost. This is the Billy Zane version.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The title screen for the 1996 film “The Phantom” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Based on the 1930s comic strip, “The Phantom” is a very old superhero that definitely shows its age. I mean, I could see this being made in the ‘50s or even the ‘30s like when the comic strip came out, but the ‘90s? (The movie posters for “[[Independence Day]]” and “[[Street Fighter + Mortal Kombat Part 2|Mortal Kombat]]” are shown briefly) Hey, we bought a lot of shit during that decade, but this was really pushing it.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: So, let’s see why this purple sack of shit reaches all sorts of new blows. This is “The Phantom.”</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The movie begins)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So the movie oddly enough begins with this saying. “For those who came in late…”? Wouldn’t that be better in the middle of the movie?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Narrator: It all began a very long time ago. A small boy watched helplessly as his father was killed by the pirate leader Kabai Sengh. (Freeze frame on Kabai Sengh as NC’s caption “I don’t know, can you?” is shown with a rim-shot heard in the background) He (the small boy) jumped overboard and was washed ashore on a mysterious jungle island called Bengalla.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So, yeah, it’s your typical “killed father revenge” backstory, except in this version, he’s picked up by natives, who decide to give him a ring of unbelievable power. Why they give him this ring, I have no idea. What, did nobody else want it? Nobody was interested in a ring of unbelievable power?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as a native, holding a ring) Oh, come on, nobody wants a ring of unbelievable power? (Other natives make dismissive noises off-screen) Nobody wants the ring of unbelievable power? (The other natives make dismissive noises again, saying “Nay.”; NC looks off camera right) Oh, hey, a washed-up white kid. (He tosses the ring off-screen camera right)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Cut to years later as a band of thieves, [who] I guess kidnapped this little boy to get them through the jungle to find a treasure skull.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The boy speaks in his native language)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Morgan: Oh, wait, now I get it. Turn the map around.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>(laughs) You got it upside down, you big moron!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Quill: If the map’s upside down, then there ought to be a bridge up ahead, and all I see is more jungle. (Pauses before quickly reacting and slamming on the brakes to stop at the edge of a wooden bridge) Oh, shit!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Morgan) Look out! The punch line!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Both thieves get out of their vehicle and Morgan continues to hold onto the boy)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Morgan: No sudden stop. What’s the big idea?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So they reach their destination as the kid is afraid to go any further.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Morgan: (interprets for the boy) He says we can’t go on. These woods are protected.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Quill: Protected by who?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The boy speaks in his native language)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Morgan: (grins) By a ghost.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Thief: A what?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Morgan: “The Ghost Who Walks.”</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (gasps and places both hands on his face in shock) A ghost who walks? By God, that’s almost as scary as the ghost who…does anything other than walks!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So they tie up the kid and throw him in the back of the truck as they venture forward into the cave. Hmm, a guy in a fedora hat looking in a booby-trapped cave for ancient treasure that’s in the shape of a golden head? Thank God I’m unbelievably stupid, or I just might’ve made a connection to “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” But nope! I’m just a dummy who wants to see the bad guy from “Titanic” wear purple spandex. Don’t look at me funny.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The thieves turn around to see the Phantom riding a white horse in slow motion towards them; NC starts laughing at this sight)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (laughs) Oh, no no no no…. (He stops laughing) I’m sorry, it’s the Purple Hamburglar.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): I mean, how is anyone supposed to look at that and take it seriously?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Morgan: Aw, shit!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Quill: Run!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as the robbers) Look out! It’s the gayest thing you’ve ever seen!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The Phantom grabs one of the robbers and hurls him into a tree)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): I don’t even get it. Why purple? How does purple blend into anything in the jungle? In fact, how does purple blend into anything period? Actually, I think they did a survey recently asking army recruits what was the best kind of camouflage, (images of military soldiers in green and brown camouflage gear are shown) and their response was “Not Fucking Purple.” (Accompanying text in purple is shown) I just don’t get it. I can’t fucking get it.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The two thieves drive away in their vehicle)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Morgan: Who was that guy?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Quill: Somebody I already killed.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Morgan: What?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Quill: You heard me. I killed him. Years ago.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Morgan: Well, guess what? He’s back.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as one of the thieves) But only a ghost can do that! A ghost…who walks!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Seriously, outside of Pac-Man, how many fucking purple ghosts have you ever heard of?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The Phantom has landed on the hood of the vehicle and starts fighting the thieves inside the cockpit)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Wow, look at that. This in no way resembles an action scene from one of the most famous adventure movies of all time. Or maybe it does, but it certainly loses all dignity once you put your main character in a purple costume. So the Phantom saves the boy, but unfortunately, the bad guy escapes. So we cut to the…”Phant-cave”…as he (The Phantom) looks for information on the skull while his faithful boy servant tends to his needs. (Beat) That’s probably not as gross as it sounds, but I’m not denying anything, either.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">The Phantom: (examines a large book while out of costume and is shirtless, talks to his servant) The skulls of Touganda. When placed together, the three skulls harness an energy a thousand times greater than any force or high explosive known to man. For four centuries, there’s been no trace to them. (He closes the book) That’s as good as anything, really.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Boy Servant: Very well, Ghosts Who Walks.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Really? He has to call him “Ghost Who Walks”? You know, how about something more appropriate, like “Man Who Wears Eye Shadow” or “Spirit Who Should Put on a Shirt” or “Guy Who Tee-hee-hee, I’m So Sorry, I Just Can’t Get Past That Stupid Purple Costume”? But oh, well. We see another adventurer named Diana Palmer, who is trying to help her uncle prove than an evil business man named Drax is tampering in piracy.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Uncle Dave Palmer: He’s on a quest for a supernatural power.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): And it turns out that Drax is on a quest and is super evil as well, as this scene where he confronts a traitor demonstrates to us.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Dr. Fleming: All requests for access to special collections come directly to me. I’m the only one who sees them.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Xander Drax: Well, good. Thanks so much for coming.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Dr. Fleming: Not at all.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Drax: Oh, uh, one more thing if you don’t mind.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Drax) Your murder!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Drax: I’d like your professional opinion on something out of this microscope.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Dr. Fleming takes a look into the microscope and focuses the lens to read a message that says “Liar” before we hear a piercing sound and he screams in pain (Drax had put sharp blades in both the eye pieces))</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Drax: Well, I guess you won’t be needing these anymore. (He breaks apart Dr. Fleming's glasses)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Now, again, why didn’t he (Drax) just shoot this guy? I mean, at first, I thought it was to maybe cover up his tracks, but how do you explain DEATH BY KILLER MICROSCOPE? So the plane that was carrying Diana gets ambushed by air pilots.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A clip of Don Karnage from “Talespin” flying a plane, yelling “Attack!” and firing his ammo is shown along with the reaction shot of Diana looking up to hear the commotion of air pilots ambushing her plane)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): It turns out they come specifically for her, as we see the leader of the pilots is…</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Diana pulls off the leader’s helmet, revealing the face of Sala (played by Catherine Zeta-Jones); sexy music plays here)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (reacts to the sight of Sala) Oh, snap. Catherine Zeta-Jones!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Sela: Happy now? Get a good look.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (admires Sala) I don’t care if you haven’t been in a good movie for eight years. (Speaks in a deep, booming voice) [[Top 11 Villain Songs|One day, you will be mine]]!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So the Phantom catches up with an old friend to investigate Diana’s kidnapping.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Captain Phillip Horton is washing up at his sink and he turns his head to react in surprise to see The Phantom (in full costume) simply sitting in a chair)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Phillip Horton: (sighs) Can’t you ever come in through the front door?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">The Phantom: It’s too obvious.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Too obvious? The man dressed up like a purple condom is afraid of being too obvious? You couldn’t get more obvious if you were shitting fireworks!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Phillip Horton: She’s on her way to see me, oddly enough.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">The Phantom: I’ll see what I can do.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So we see Catherine ''Zeta-Jones'' is working with that fedora-wearing schmuck we saw earlier in the movie.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Diana: Who are you, people? (She looks to Quill) Are you crazy? Do you realize how many lives you’ve broken?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Quill) Oh, God—she’s right! I didn’t even comprehend—OK, put her back. Put her back. I mean, we can’t keep her here obviously for breaking some law—YES!!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But luckily, The Phantom is on his way to save her.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Sala: (opens an envelope before Diana) Ooh, a love letter.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The Phantom slides through a chute and lands between Sala and Diana)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Sala) …I can safely say I didn’t see this coming.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Diana punches Sala, knocking her out)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">The Phantom: Let’s go.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Diana: Why should I go with you?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">The Phantom: Trust me, Diana.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Diana: You know my name?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">The Phantom: You’re Diana Palmer. Your kidnapping’s been reported to the authorities. This is a rescue.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (speaks like a valley girl) Ch’ya! Like, I’m a ghost who walks, you know.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So let’s see just how stealth a man in a purple suit can really be—(The Phantom gets captured by some henchmen as soon as he steps out onto the boat’s deck) Well, that didn’t take very long, did it? Worst escape ever!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Quill: Relax! Small world, huh?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Indiana Jones (from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"): Too small for two of us!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But his (The Phantom’s) wolf named Devil helps him escape as Diana—(Diana quickly slips out from the clutches of a henchman, elbows him in the groin and punches him) Oh, God, you gotta be kidding me! I mean, I can see Yosemite Sam fall for that, but a real-life person? Come on, it’s really pushing it! So they fight off the bad guys and escape by using one of the boat planes and…he just sort of leaves the wolf behind! Well, that’s nice. Real nice. What the hell is he supposed to do? Catch a cab back to the island?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Devil runs far from the boat deck and meets up with The Phantom’s white horse; they have a conversation with NC’s own “translation” subtitles put in)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Devil: “That douche left me.”</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Horse: “What an asshole.”</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But it turns out their gas is leaking, so—get this—the horse and the wolf catch up with the plane. Are these just, like, the fastest fucking animals in the world? Look at all this shit they have to go through to catch up to them! A goddamn cheetah from Krypton wouldn’t be that fast!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(As the plane flies low over the horse, The Phantom readies himself to jump off the plane and land on the horse’s back)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as the Phantom) So long, toots! You’re on your own! I’m sure there’s some plain area in the mountains where you can land that thing, and… (Diana climbs out of the plane to land on the horse’s back as well) Uh, oh, you want to come with? Uh, yeah, that’s cool.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The plane crashes into the jungle, causing an explosion as The Phantom and Diana ride into the jungle away from it; cut to the two of them seeing a jeep with the bad guys on either side ready to fire with their pistols and chase after our heroes)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (sputters) Oh, wha-je-AND THE CAR CATCHES UP WITH THEM, TOO? GOOD LORD! The Road Runner on speed wouldn’t be able to go as fast as these guys! Your blood must be made out of grounded-up Jesse Owens! (The bad guys get caught in some rope by a native tribe) Thankfully, he (The Phantom) comes across a helpful tribe that…we’ll never see again, as the Phantom tries to get Diana to safety.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The Phantom guides his horse toward a cave entrance shaped like a skull (which isn’t a very subtle design))</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (speaks blandly) Oh, gee, I wonder where his hideout is. I mean, not that it’s hard to track down a person who looks like Grimace’s anorexic brother, but a giant freaking skull might be a little bit of a giveaway. So he meets up with his friend we saw earlier as they try to figure out what’s going on.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">The Phantom: (to Phillip Horton) Captain, I want you to take her back. Use every man at your disposal. Give her all the protection she needs.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Diana: I came here to do a job, and that’s what I’m gonna do.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">The Phantom: (pauses) Goodbye. (He leaves)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Diana: Wait a second!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Phillip Horton: Diana. Nobody argues with The Phantom and wins.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: …Mostly because The Phantom just runs away in the middle of the conversation. It’s a cheap job, but that’s The Phantom.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So we see The Phantom go to New York, as it turns out he has an alter-ego named Kit, who, of course, Diana happened to know growing up. Like they said…</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A clip from the “It’s a Small World” ride is shown)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Singers: It’s a small world after all.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Back to the movie)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kit Walker (aka The Phantom): I’ve read about what happened. Are you all right?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Diana: Oh, I’m fine. It started out bad, but all turned out okay.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Kit) I heard you were saved by a dashing well-endowed purple man.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But more important things are going on, as it turns out ''Zeta-Jones'' is working for Drax, as he divulges his evil plans to his business partners.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Drax: There is opportunity in chaos. I give you… (He holds up a metal skull to show everyone)…the skull of Touganda. This skull is one of three. When all three skulls are united, they will produce a force more powerful than any army on earth. The skulls will be ours, and all the power that comes with them.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(All the business partners applaud after Drax’s presentation ends)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as a Business Partner) Don’t you think we should invest in ammunitions, seeing how there’s a war in Europe?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Drax) Nope! Skulls!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Business Partner) How about a public works program with government backing—?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Drax) Skulls! Nothing but skulls!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Business Partner) Well, how about diversifying our portfolios?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Drax) Skulls! SKULLS! Our entire financial future is completely skull-based! Now please be quiet! Skulls!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Ray Zephro: Company hell. This is wrong. Skulls? Forces of darkness? This isn’t right.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (scoffs) What businessman would honestly question a supernatural treasure hunt for an evil skull that has demonic powers?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Drax: OK, Ray, if that’s how you feel about it. (He takes a spear hung on a wall and throws it at Ray in the back, killing him)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Boy. You know, for a guy who probably spent days putting together the mechanics of that killer microscope, I’m surprised he resorted to the most basic means by throwing a sharp stick! Surely, he could’ve rigged the curtains to…eat him or something.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Kit and Diana riding in a cab together)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kit: I gotta say, Diana, you look great. You got changed a bit.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Diana: You just vanished, Kit.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kit: I guess I did.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Diana: Without a word, without a letter, not even a phone call.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kit: No.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Diana) You just vanished like a…phantom or a…ghost who walks, if you will!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So they find out that the second skull—coincidentally enough—is in a museum in New York. So the Phantom uses all his cunning secrecy and top-secret ways to figure out a way to—(Kit simply takes a barrier pole and uses it to break the glass on the display case) OK, what is up with this guy? “Superhero,” my ass! He couldn’t cover up the fact that he was a superhero any more than Edward could cover up that he was a vampire!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Kit grabs for the skull before he is approached by Drax and his men, who are holding their guns at him)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Drax: I’ll take that, thank you.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Kit) Aww, but I was so cautious.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Drax: (addresses to the museum visitors) Museum security. Everything’s under control. Listen, folks. Free cake and sandwiches are being served in the Hall of Nature.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as the museum visitors) Cake and sandwiches?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Museum Visitor #1) Well, gee, I sorta want to know about that whole glass-breaking thing.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Museum Visitor #2) Me, too, until he said “cake and sandwiches,” and now all I can think about is cake and sandwiches!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as both Museum Visitors) Wow!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (normal) So it turns out when the two skulls join together, they point out the location of the third skull. And thankfully, there just so happened to be a map in the room to point the location, which is good, because it doesn’t look nearly as dramatic to see the skulls type out the direction on Google Maps.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Red and blue lasers coming out of the respective two skulls point to a location on the map as the camera does a close-up on it)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (sighs) Again, this scene doesn’t look the least bit like that other series of adventure movies. Hell, did they just have the same writer or something? (Cut to a clip from “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade” showing the credit “Screenplay by Jeffrey Boam”, followed by a clip from “The Phantom” showing the “Written by Jeffrey Boam” credit) Oh, holy shit, they did. I was just kidding! They really had the same writer? Well, that’s…really sad! What, did he really think that Indiana Jones would’ve been taken more seriously if he was dressed in the feces of Barney the Dinosaur?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Drax: That doesn’t make sense.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): Oh, well. Kit escapes and dresses up like the Phantom to save the day.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The Phantom’s legs appears out of nowhere to choke two bad guys with them)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as the bad guys, pretending to be choked) D’ahh! Death by purple ass!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The Phantom slides down an elevator shaft and gets through the elevator doorway in the nick of time before an elevator would crush him; He leaves the scene while a few men witness him walking away)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as one of the men) Oh, hey, a purple man climbing out of an elevator. So how are the kids?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Cut to Diana looking behind herself in the backseat of a car (wondering where Kit might be) with Drax’s other bad men and Sala)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Drax: Forget him. He’s not coming.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Sala: He’s probably dead by now.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Diana: What is wrong with you? Why are you so mean? Don’t you care about anything?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Sala: Like what?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Diana: You figure it out.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Drax: Alright, alright, everybody just shut up.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: …That was a lame conversation.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So they (Diana, Drax and his men) stumble across the island of the third skull where they find the ancient order of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Drax: (asks Kabai Sengh) Who might you be?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Pirate: He is the great Kabai Sengh, leader of the Sengh brotherhood.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: As well as the Shang Tsung brotherhood.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shang Tsung (from “[[Street Fighter + Mortal Kombat Part 2|Mortal Kombat]]”): (appears alongside Kabai Singh for comparison between the two) Your soul is mine.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): But one of the business partners doesn’t trust him and points out a gun at their leader.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie Zephro: It’s every man for himself, okay. You lead me out of here, or else you’re really gonna sleep with the fishes.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Kabai Sengh speaks a phrase in his native language)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Charlie Zephro: What is that supposed to mean?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kabai Sengh: (as a cannon is being loaded) “Fire the cannon.”</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (as Charlie Zephro) Oh, gee, maybe I should, like, shoot you or something. That is, after all, why I point the gun at you in the first place (The cannon fires a blast at Charlie)—Oh! I’m dead.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Charlie goes flying after being shot at and lands in a pool of water dead)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Shang Tsung (from “Mortal Kombat”): Fatality.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So the Phantom comes in to fight everybody off as Drax finally gets a hold of the third skull. But it turns out there’s also a fourth skull, which is the most powerful of them all—the Deus Ex Machina skull, if you will.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">The Phantom: (as Drax holds out the three skulls at him) I’ve worn it all my life. For protection. I never really understood what that meant until right now.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Drax: Ha! What a cheap jungle trick!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (mimics Drax) Ha! I am acting! (He pretends to fire the three skulls at the camera)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So it turns out the fourth skull was on the Phantom’s ring the whole time—Yeah, what a really weak twist—as he uses it to destroy Drax forever.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Drax yells in a high shriek before he gets blown up in an explosion; soon, other parts of the island start to explode as well for some reason)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): (laughs) What? What is up with the explosions? Did the entire island just pass gas or something?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(The start of the explosions plays again, this time with NC adding a fart sound effect in there)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So they all get off the island safe, Zeta-Jones is a good guy now…sort of came out of nowhere, as Diana asks the Phantom to reveal his true identity.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Diana: Before I go, take off your mask. Let me see your face…Kit.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (as Diana) Yeah, you-you really weren’t fooling anybody with that. (whispers) It’s kind of embarrassing.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So he takes off his mask and…spontaneously, his eye makeup, too…as he confesses something important to her.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kit: You know, I’m not really permitted to reveal all of my secrets. Actually, I am. That’s only to one person.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Diana: Who’s that?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Kit: Another woman I intend to marry.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): I don’t know if that’s wise, lady. Here’s the last one that he tried to marry.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Cal Hockley (from “Titanic,” played by Billy Zane): (argues with Rose) My wife in practice if not yet by law, so you will honor me.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: Bit of a buzz kill.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): So, oddly enough, she doesn’t marry him as I guess they’re saving that for the incredible sequel that’ll never ever come.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: And thank Lord, because this movie is stupid!</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC (voiceover): It’s not the worst ever, but it’s just so unimpressive. We don’t really get to know the Phantom well, and what we do know we don’t really care that much about. The fight scenes are standard, the villain’s pretty standard, and…gah, purple? Really? I just can’t get over that. You picked fucking purple. Why don’t you just paint polka-dots on his head while you’re at it?</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: But, thankfully, there is one upside to this movie.</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">(A shot of Sela as shown for the first time in the movie is shown again with sexy music in the background)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">NC: (mutters a bit under his breath) The only problem is I can’t get it back to the downside. (He clears his throat) I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you— (He stops getting up partway, implying that his erection is in the way), so he scoots off in his chair camera right and waves goodbye a bit before disappearing off-camera)</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">THE END</p>

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt">Channel Awesome Tagline—Drax: What a cheap jungle trick!</p>



{{NCscripts}}

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