(The Disneycember logo is shown, before showing clips from The Pacifier. Note: Doug sounds very bored throughout this review)
Doug (vo): I'm sure all of you will be shocked and horrified to find out that The Pacifier is not a very good movie. Is it the worst of the "tough guy looking after a small kid" genre that sadly is a genre? No, I'd say Playing with Fire gets that honor, but this is pretty low down there. When I think of films that just don't try, this has to be in the top 10. Now let me make it clear that doesn't mean the directors not trying or the producers or the actors or anything like that. I don't know what the story behind the scenes is. Maybe everybody's given their A-game, but I do see film as art and every piece of art has an identity, has a personality. And the personality and identity of this just isn't trying. And to its credit, it doesn't need to try. It's clear this movie isn't very expensive and it doesn't need to make much, just enough to make a profit. Because if you push out enough of those and enough people see them, it equals big bucks. So why allow much time to work on the script or the performances or anything like that when you could be making several of these in one go and they'll probably equal a decent return?
Story[]
Doug (vo): Vin Diesel plays a Navy Seal who's rescuing a scientist. When the mission fails though and the scientist gets killed, the question remains, what happened to the important program he was working on called Ghost? Well, that's where the scientist's family comes in. The mother has to leave to help the Navy find Ghost. And with the kids being unprotected, of course, let's send in the guy who let their father die in the first place. Everything from here is exactly what you think it's going to be. I mean, beat for beat, you can predict every little moment. Him and the kids don't get along, but they will eventually. He has a heart-to-heart with every one of them, finds something unique to like about him and teaches each of them a new skill that's going to pop up later in the movie, probably in the climax. It's incredibly obvious who the mastermind is, it's very easy to figure out this little panda dance he's doing for the kid is actually a code that's going to play a big part later.
Review[]
Doug (vo): There's only one thing I can mention in this movie that did get a big surprise out of me. As I've mentioned before, this is YouTube. There's some imagery I don't think I can show on here without getting a content strike. But in the locker of the teenage boy, they find an armband that has a symbol of the Reich of the third kind. Catch my drift? And when this moment happened, I legit went "Whoa!" Like, nobody was in the room with me watching this, and why would they? It's The Pacifier. But I verbally said out loud, "What the hell?" It is so bizarre to see The Pacifier have this imagery in it. And I'm not going to lie, I did say, "Okay, movie, where are you going with this?" I can't wait to see the scene where Vin Diesel has a heart-to-heart with this kid about the party of Elon Musk showing his thanks. But as the movie continued, they do reveal something else is going on. And I was like, "Oh, yeah, that-that does make a lot more sense." But in other ways, it doesn't make sense. What, the teenage boy would rather have people think he's into this than just say what's really happening? Still, to its credit, it is the one point in the movie that did kind of wake me up.
(Footage of 3 Ninjas is shown before showing more various footage from The Pacifier)
Doug (vo): But on that note, there's a ton of things that don't make sense in this. I know what you're thinking, "It's The Pacifier. Who cares? Are you really going to nitpick this piece of crap?" But here's the thing. There's a low bar that some movies set. Like, there's ninjas in this movie. My first thought was, "Oh, it's going to be like 3 Ninjas, like, this is just a common thing in this world." But then I thought back to that movie, it clearly wasn't good, but it was very obvious what it was trying to do. It was trying to be a combination of two popular things at the time, Home Alone and Ninja Turtles. Hell, that's even what the cover says. But for a combination of Home Alone and Ninja Turtles, it did kind of stand out, it did its job. Okay, as a kid, I enjoyed it fine because it gave the most of being Home Alone meets Ninja Turtles. It met the low bar it set for itself. This film doesn't even meet the lower bar it's setting for itself. There's so many things that even by this film's logic don't make sense. For example, Vin Diesel goes to open up the door to the room of one of the teens, but it's locked, so he decides to kick it down, but it turns out the teen was just in the bathroom the whole time. He was just overreacting. But wait, how would you lock it from the inside? How would anyone get back in? He tells the kids he doesn't have time to memorize their name, so he calls them Red One and Red Two and Red Baby, stuff like that. He's a Navy Seal, he doesn't have time to memorize their names? No wonder he got their father killed. When they go to the garage and they show him the minivan, he says, "What's that?" Really? A Navy Seal doesn't know what a minivan is. Do you even know what a kid is? He drops off one of the kids to be in a Girl Scout troop outside the store for them to sell cookies. These boy scouts come and say they're moving on their territory. Alright, that's a cute idea. But Vin Diesel's just shopping inside and then comes out and says, "Let's go." But how long were those kids there to sell cookies? A few minutes. Want to go to this Chuck-e-Cheese type place? You see this one mother trying to pull her kid off a ride. Okay, that's a little funny, but then you cut to her pulling him away, but that cuts back to him still being there. Brad Garrett is talking all tough to him and how bad the kids are, and he tells him he's the vice principal, but then the principal comes in and tells him to get out of his seat. Get it? Like he was trying to make it look like he was the person in charge, but he just said he wasn't the person in charge, there's a person above him. There's so many more things I can point to that don't add up. And again, I know it's The Pacifier, I'm not supposed to think that hard about it, but even between the few rules and limitations it creates for itself, it can't even keep to those, it cares that little.
(Footage focusing on Shane Wolfe is shown)
Doug (vo): At first, I will admit, I thought Vin Diesel was going to be okay. I mean, when you first see him as the Navy Seal, he's yes, tough, but a little bit more gentle and smart enough. I kind of bought it, I said to myself, "Okay, he's not sleepwalking through this." Even within the first few moments with the family when this duck bites him, I kind of love the way he says this line.
Shane: He bit me.
Doug (vo): That was surprisingly so believable, it was kind of funny. But quickly, he turns on autopilot. The sentimental scenes with him are so underacted, they're actually kind of hilarious.
Shane: (monotone) Zoe, a rookie sniper could drop you like a deer. / One day, I get a letter. No more dad. Such a big burden to carry.
Final thought[]
Doug (vo): There's no surprises, no good laughs, every once in a while, there's maybe an accidental little chuckle, but I can count on one hand how many of those there are. It's bad and everybody knows it's bad. Like, it's one of those famous bad movies everybody points to as one of the worst. Even the actors just have a look that they know they're in garbage, but they just shrug it off because it's obviously made for toddlers. Well, all I got to say is toddlers deserve better. Is it the worst I've ever seen? No. Am I going to think about it a day after I've seen it? No. But man, is the lack of caring this film projects, even by its low standards. Kind of sad to see. Even Playing with Fire is so awful, it's kind of fascinating. It's like a train wreck, you can't turn away from it. This is just lame, unimpressive, uninspiring, lame. If you're watching this review, you've either seen it already or don't plan on seeing it and just want to see my reaction to it. And I guess you can rest assure that just like this movie, I am giving you no surprises.
(The scene where Shane salutes the kids is shown)