|
The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure
| |
|
| |
|
Release Date
|
February 03, 2016
|
|
Running Time
|
31:48
|
|
Previous Review
|
|
|
Next Review
|
|
|
Tagline
|
Do you like bubbles?
|
|
Link
|
|
The Cinema Snob: Well, I'm just gonna say right off the bat... that I don't think this movie was made for me.
THUMBNAIL SEQUENCE
Snob: Never heard of the Oogieloves before? It's that thing that was supposed to be a thing but was totally not a thing! The Oogieloves is the brainchild of a FUCKING IDIOT! It's what happens when Kenn Viselman, the producer behind the American distribution of the Teletubbies, really wants to make a Teletubbies movie, but the creator won't let him, so he creates something else inspired by the TV series My Bedbugs, and then makes it an interactive film, because he noticed how people at a screening for Madea Goes to Jail were shouting at the screen.
That's enough bad ingredients that would level an entire city block! Who in the hell wants to see this movie come into fruition? That's a lotta words for "I just really wanna make a shitty movie, that NO ONE would see in theaters!"
Naturally, The Oogieloves wasn't made for the type of audience who would go see a Madea film; it was made for toddlers! And the filmmakers found out the hard way that parents don't want their kids screaming and dancing and being annoying in a fucking movie theater!
Kids are annoying at movies even when they're quiet! This movie is made for the one guy who wished that his Rocky Horror interactive screening was a lot more like Baby Geniuses! And even THAT GUY probably didn't go see this!
(sees Lionsgate logo, featuring gears within a lock) Appropriate logo. This is what your brain is going through when it tries making sense of this. And you can all relax- the movie STARTS OUT annoying!
Goobie: Welcome to our movie!
Snob: I'm not here by choice!
Oogieloves is the riveting story of three people in costumes who set out to find magic balloons for their talking pillow. I'm very disappointed in the movie's director, Matthew Diamond- he brought us episodes of Scrubs, and Gilmore Girls! But also So You Think You Can Dance and That's So Raven. I don't really know what to think.
The Oogieloves are made up of Goobie, who likes scientific things--
Goobie: -And pickles!
Snob: Pickles, huh? Well given that you look like one, I'm guessing you're a cannibal! Then there's Zoozie-
Zoozie: -And I'm fluent in every single language! Even animal!
Snob: Heh, I've seen this movie, and I think there's one language that you are not fluent in, and that's ENGLISH! And then there's Toofie.
Toofie: And I love to have as much fun as possible, all the time!
Snob: And also, puberty is hitting you like a bitch! Oh, is anyone looking forward to this?
Zoozie: This is the most amazing movie ever!
Snob: YOUR BIAS!! Might as well tire the little brats in the audience out in the beginning.
Toofie: Oo-
Goobie: gie-
Zoozie: love!
Toofie: And we all get to jump up and down!
(Canned cheering as the Oogieloves jump)
Snob: Well, when there's no kids in the audience, just make the sounds yourself. When butterflies appear, the kids in the audience are supposed to get out of their seats and dance, and when the turtles appear, "it's okay to sit down now". Or how about this: sit your asses down, because you're making a fucking scene! Uh oh, time to get up and dance already?
Oogieloves: Oogie, Oogie, Oogieloves! Say Oogie, Oogie, Oogielove-
(Cinema Snob crossed his arms and raises his brow while remaining seated)
Snob: No need to tell the kids to sit down; they did it several minutes ago, you cynical-ass film. Meanwhile, in that Warcraft trailer that was just released...
I think it's too soon for the Oogieloves to be headlining a movie. I just met them. And their house looks like if Pee-wee's Playhouse was decorated by Z-Man from Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, along with his drugs!
Windy Window: It's fun to sing!
Snob: Because there's a fuckin' talking window now! Ugh, as a non-morning person, I find this highly offensive and I want to shoot all of them.
(sees Goobie and Zoozie Nazi-saluting) Not to mention the fact that you're all a bunch of Nazis! At least two of them are. This guy looks like he just found out something horrible about his friends.
Maybe they should skip breakfast. Their Oogie-love handles are really starting to show.
The Oogieloves appear to not have much lip movements, but their talking fish, Ruffy, has a little too much lip movement!
Ruffy: It's fun to swim when you wake up! What am I saying? All I do is swim. Oh, Ruffy the fish-
Snob: Yes, what are you saying? There's no water in that bowl!
It's their pillow Schluufy's birthday- that's a sentence I just said- and he appears to be suffering from some kind of sleep paralysis.
(Schluufy coughs up feathers)
Snob: *scoffs* What the fuck!? Did he just puke out his own intestines?? That's horrifying! But Schluufy's birthday is a surprise party.
Toofie: SCHLUUFY'S BIRTHDAY SURPRISE PARTY!
Zoozie and Goobie: Shhhhh!
Snob: Buh- spoilers much? Windy Window is clearly a magic window who is able to answer any question.
Windy Window: All you have to to is ask. 1, 2, 1 2 3, Windy Window, what do you see?
Snob: Asking that implies that I give a shit about the answer. Their Hoover vacuum is returning with the party balloons, and his name is- no joke- "J. Edgar". Get it? HOOVER? J. Edgar? Kids LOVE old FBI references! So these are the balloons from the title?
(J. Edgar spins and lets the balloons go)
Snob: Okay. Just go back to the Five Below you got them from and buy some more.
J. Edgar: Here's the problem! They were the last five magical balloons in all of Lovely Loveville!
Snob: That sounds like a whole lot of NOT MY FUCKING PROBLEM! But the Oogieloves set off on a mission to find the balloons.
Goobie: I knew my homemade GPS-enabled walkie-talkies would come in handy someday!
Snob: Yeah, why don't you give the pillow those as a gift so we don't have to hunt down lost balloons? Windy Window will show them where the first balloon is hidden.
Oogieloves and J. Edgar: 1, 2, 1 2 3, Windy Window, what do you see?
Snob: I see a shitty movie! But first, they gotta get into this machine that turns them into a bunch of tools.
(Zoozie goes under a curtain that dresses her while barnyard animal sounds are played)
Zoozie: Voila!
Snob: They're being dressed by invisible poultry! How is this not making sense to any of you? But Toofie is having a problem with his pants. He doesn't like belts, so we have to keep yelling at him to dress like an adult!
Zoozie: Goofy Toofie, pick up your pants! All together now!
Snob: I shouldn't have to tell you to put your pants on!! I can tell they're concerned about the balloons because they pause for breakfast first.
J. Edgar: And I know just what to serve!
Oogieloves: Pineapple upside-down flapjacks!
Ruffy: Oh boy!
Snob: Sorry, I can't get out of my seat, because I'm 300 pounds from eating too much pineapple upside-down flapjacks. Why don't you give the pillow your dancing food? That's a way better gift- not that he would notice.
Goobie: We'd better commence our journey if we're gonna get back in time for-
Zoozie and Toofie: SCHLUUFY'S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY!
Goobie: Shhh!
(Schluufy continues to sleep)
Snob: I think he's in a coma. You don't have to whisper. J. Edgar is so useless that bringing a fish with them is better than bringing their vacuum! And putting it like that, why would they need to take either??
The first balloon is up in a tree, and it's been a while since they've said something stupid.
Goobie: Is that a teapot? In a tree?
Zoozie: No, it's a treepot! *laughs*
(Cinema Snob angrily sputters before breaking wine glass)
Snob: Here they run into Jubilee Rounder, whose grandma Dottie lives in the treepot.
Jubilee: I'm, like, Jubilee Rounder, and this is, like, totally where I live.
Snob: In any other movie I'd all expect them to start fucking by now. How are they gonna climb this?
Jubilee: C-O-M-E come on down, ladder ladder to the ground!
Snob: So being annoying is gonna get 'em up the tree? Or staring at dat ass? Time to sit down kids, enough of that climbing a tree in the movie theater bullshit.
Ruffy: I don't wanna go anyway! I'm a lover, not a climber! Nhhm!
Snob: YOU'RE A FISH!
Cloris Leachman plays the role of Dottie, AKA a David Lynch psycho cat lady!
Dottie: Oh, circles! Circles! Oh, circles, how I love circles!
Snob: Egh. This still is a bit drug-fueled, but considering that the last movie I saw her in was Scout's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, this is a step up. Time to get up again? I'm still tired from climbing the tree!
Dottie: Put your hand on your belly, rub around in circles!
Goobie: Put your hand on your belly, rub around in circles!
Zoozie: Put your hand on your belly, rub around in circles!
Snob: How is this supposed to get their balloons back???
Dottie: Stick your fingers in your ears and dance around in circles!
Toofie: Stick your fingers in your ears and dance around in circles!
Snob: I guess that's one way for your kids to get an infection! Heh! What's the lesson here? The lesson is that Miss Yvonne did not handle her divorce well. Best sit down. You've already broken your nose from running around in circles with your fingers in your ears, but remember kids, if your balloon is stuck on top of the tallest tree, don't get an adult- just climb the sucker yourself and let the balloon carry you safely down. What the hell kind of advice is that?!
Toofie: Cool! This is the highest I've ever climbed!
Snob: Oh, I'm sure you've been much higher. Oh yeah, and it's a magic balloon.
Toofie: This balloon can talk!
Goobie: That's scientastically impossible!
Snob: You have a talking pillow and a talking vacuum cleaner! How is THIS hard for you to believe? Oh right, they're idiots.
Goobie and Zoozie: Goofy Toofie, pick up your pants!
Snob: "Goofy Toofie, buy A FUCKING BELT!!!" I'm gonna miss Jubilee and her catchphrase:
Jubilee: Toofie? What a totally square name!
Come meet my totally square new friends!
You guys are like, totally crazy square!
Snob: Ech. I don't think you know what the word 'square' means. Windy managed to dye her hair between now and the last scene.
J. Edgar: 1, 2-
Snob: No, no, I am not gonna count along with you, because acknowledging this means that I am enabling you. The second balloon must be inside of a giant cow, but we need to take time out to be stupid again!
J. Edgar: We need to say these words twice: Testing, testing, wham bam pow.
Snob: Or you could just say 'hello'! The other balloon is at Milky Marvin's Milkshake Manor.
Zoozie: Excuse me, we're looking for Milky Marvin!
Puppet Owl: Who?
Zoozie: Excuse me, we're looking for Milky Marvin!
Second Puppet Owl: Who?
Snob: Ha ha ha ha! An owl says 'who'! I've never heard that before!
Milky Marvin's is every early '90s Saturday morning sitcom ever, plus the balloon is attached to a cow.
Zoozie: *mooing*
Snob: I get it! It's cow! Milky Marvin is none other than Chazz Palmenteri?! Clearly having a midlife crisis!
Milky Marvin: Molly, my megaphone, please!
Molly: I think you mean your "moo-gaphone"?
Snob: No, I mean the megaphone. That's just stupid, what you said! And Milky Marvin has a catchphrase too!
Milky Marvin: Ooh!
Ooh! Not so fast, daddy-o!
And I decide the winner! Ooh!
Ooh! My favorite!
Snob: It's like Andrew Dice Clay playing John Wayne Gacy. It sort of works, IF THIS WEREN'T A KIDS' FILM! And in case you've forgotten it's a restaurant that serves milkshakes-
Milky Marvin: If you want a milkshake, then you know what to do! March and moo!
Snob: If I wanna see a musical number about milkshakes, I'll stick with Can't Stop the Music, thank you very much! Because there is clearly a gun to my head, causing me to make this choice! In order to get the balloon, the Oogieloves have to win a milkshake drinking competition.
Ruffy: I would rather drink saltwater every day. Oh wait a minute. I already do!
Snob: No you don't, because then you would be dead.
Lesson learned, children: when you get a milkshake, drink it really fast. That won't be painful at all. Also, feed it to your fish, but only if he's in saltwater. So they win the balloon, and your kids are about to have a heart attack.
Oogieloves: Snap snap snap, reach for the sky! Snap snap snap, twist them side to side, and sing Oogielove!
Snob: Chazz Palmenteri has NO IDEA what's going on, and wishes to God he was back on set of Night at the Roxbury. He sends them off with another milkshake, in case their brain isn't frozen enough already.
Toofie: J. Edgar never lets us have such big milkshakes!
Snob: *scoffs* Well, now they're just stealing lines from Boardwalk Empire. The next balloon appears to be in the hands of someone spoiled.
J. Edgar: Testing, testing, wham bam pow. Goobielove, can you hear me now?
Snob: I heard you at 'testing'! You can stop now! Ah, the Lovely Loveville airport. This just looks like there's a lot of kinky sex going on here. Toni Braxton plays pop singer Rosalie Rosebud, because I want you to hit me in the face with a sled! And if the balloons can talk, why don't they tell her that they belong to the vacuum cleaner? Makes sense. And I'm sensing a theme with these human characters.
Rosalie: *sneezes*
Zoozie: Gesundheit! Are you getting sick?
Rosalie: Mmm... no.
Snob: She's just as high as everyone else in the movie! Rosalie is embarking on a world tour, but sneezes around roses, even though she collects them.
Rosalie: Surely you understand.
Toofie: Not really.
Snob: Finally! I can now sympathize with these Hell-spawned characters. What are the odds she's gonna sing about this?
Rosalie: Sing? Did somebody say... sing?
Snob: No, I said 'fuck you'! And your fans are all sheep! What in God's name is this song gonna be?
Rosalie: I know the perfect song! It's called 'Scratchy Sneezy Cough Cough'. I wrote it in a week when I wasn't feeling my best.
Snob: Funny. That's what the writer of the movie said! Somewhere Itchy from The Star Wars Holiday Special is masturbating hardcore to this!
Rosalie: You gotta cough cough cough, and go achooooooooo!
Snob: You sang "Un-Break My Heart"! What in the hell are you doing here?!
So you see kids, if you're allergic to something, just surround yourself with a lot of that product, and you'll be find! It's okay to sit down, because you just ate a lot of peanuts that you're allergic to, and now you're dead! But oh no, something dumb just happened with the balloon!
Rosalie: My jet won't be able to take off with a balloon wrapped around its tail!
Snob: Yes it can. Goobie has a science-tastic idea that'll make Neil DeGrasse Tyson live-Tweet the shit out of this: he gets to the plane tail with a makeshift trampoline, and then this happens:
Goobie: Now for the tricky part. I must lean over approximately 49.7 degrees.
Snob: Hear that, kids? Something stuck in a high place? Lean over at an angle that'll make you fall and die! It works in this movie, though, because it has talking balloons, and it wants to kill your kids!
Goobie: But that's impossible! They don't have the physiological makeup for verbal communication!
Snob: Neither does a FUCKING WINDOW! Now that they've gotten their balloon, you know what that means.
Oogieloves: Snap snap snap, reach for the sky! Snap snap snap, twist them side to side, and sing Oogielove! Oogielove!
Snob: Why should I have to say that when not even your lips are moving? Back at the house, the window is laughing at J. Edgar injuring himself, so I guess she wants him dead too, and the pillow is still asleep! Progress!
Windy Window: What could that darlin' pillow be dreaming about?
(Schluufy's dream shown to be an inception bubble that zooms in on his sleeping face)
Snob: Good thing he wasn't dreaming about fucking a carpet beetle, or this would've gotten awkward!
Instead of asking the window what she sees, she should just tell them where ALL the balloons are. That way they can split up and make this movie shorter! Oh no, the balloon is giving a blowjob at a truck stop!
J. Edgar: Testing, testing, wham bam pow! Goobielove, can you hear me now!
Snob: Can you hear me? Can you hear me running? Can you hear me running? Can you hear me calling you?
I see nothing bad coming of this. Hey, kids! You lose something, and a stranger driving a truck has it? Talk to them!
Zoozie: *squawking*
Snob: And act like a fucking idiot when you do it, too! And here's where it gets more awkward.
Zoozie: She said Bobby Wobbly went out for a wobble!
Snob: A 'wobble' is when when you see how many weeble-wobbles you can shove up your ass before you feel like you have to sit down.
Here's Cary Elwes in his most terrifying role yet!
Zoozie: Hm!
Toofie: Hmm.
Goobie: Hmm?
Snob: 'Hmm' is right. The Oogieloves are now scared they're gonna get raped! He's standing like he still has a dead hitchhiker's fist in his ass. He tells them it's too dangerous to get on his truck to get the balloon. Not like that stopped them before! And then this happens:
Zoozie: A bubble truck?
Bobby Wobbly: Do you like bubbles???
Oogieloves: Yeah! Sure!
Bobby Wobbly: Well gosh, are you in the riiight place!
Snob: Well that's positively terrifying. But, I have seen it creepier, and slightly more memey. Someone should splice that into the middle of a porn! It'd be less terrifying than this!
Bobby Wobbly: I like to wobble cause...
Toofie: Cause why?
Bobby Wobbly: Why don't you join me in a wobble and see for yourself!
Snob: Kids, if someone says 'join me for a wobble'... just buy another balloon. Time to get out of your seat and run, because Bobbly Wobbly wants to wobble while wearing your skin! Blink twice if Jigsaw is making you do this, or sing something incomprehensible.
All: Wobble with your wiggle, with your wiggle-wobble too! Wobble bobble all around, it's so much fun to do!
Snob: Not to bring it up again, but Tim Noah's gonna sue someone! Yeah, shake that ass, kids, and smack it a little. Hanging out in the truck bed with an uncaptured serial killer is the best! Even Crispin Glover is telling him to tone down the creepy! And the worst part is, after this, they're gonna be way too tired for their pillow's birthday party. But not to tired to buy a belt!
Goobie and Zoozie: Goofy Toofie, pick up your pants!
Snob: And then after a child saw this, a crackhead later flashed them, to which they responded to them by saying 'Goofy Toofie, pick up your pants!' And then they died.
God, stop wobbling! You're acting as if you crapped Mentos into a Diet Coke bottle! Perhaps the bird can get the balloon!
Zoozie: She's got a bad back, and cataracts in both eyes!
Snob: That's when the clouding in the lens of your eye decreases vision, children! But maybe the bird can be talked into it anyway.
Zoozie: Squawky squawky squawkity squawk!
Penelope: *squawks back*
Snob: That is REALLY offensive to that bird's people. I don't know why they need the bird. This is the one thing they probably could've safely climbed on top of. Only 66 more of these, and you can finally face off against Koopa. But first-
Ruffy: And it wouldn't be a balloon rescue without an Oogieloves cheer!
Oogieloves: Snap snap snap, reach for the sky!
Snob: Aw, stop rescuing things, or I'm gonna hang myself! Bobby gives them bubbles to go- that way, it'll make them pass out in the middle of the night and he can molest them! But what of J. Edgar?
Toofie: I bet J. Edgar is really proud of us!
J. Edgar: I am really proud of the Oogieloves!
Snob: I'm glad he clarified that, since my memory doesn't last longer than a second! Uh oh, time for the chant! One, two, one two three, where's the GODDAMN BALLOON? Oh, it's on top of a windmill. Eh, it's too high, time to go home.
Someone is looking out the window right now and realize they bought a house in Hell.
How are they gonna get this balloon?
Goobie: I just installed a brand-new achromatic lens on my cereal box refracting telescope!
Zoozie: HUH?
Snob: Even the Oogieloves themselves aren't buying this shit anymore! There's no riding bikes or running on Great Grass Lakes.
Zoozie: *neighing*
Snob: Unfortunately, there's nothing about not filming a shitty movie! Naturally they get help from a flying sombrero being piloted by famed Mexican actors Jaime Pressly and Christopher Lloyd.
Lola: Good afternoon, my colorful friends. We are Lola and Lero Sombrero.
(Lero plays his bongos)
Snob: Oh, because calling him 'Juan Taco' would be too obvious! Somehow Jaime Pressly will still find a way to show her ass in this. Well, you've talked to every other stranger in town, might as well talk to these people.
(Lero heads towards the entrance to the sombrero with an assortment of wacky sound effects)
Snob: You're just playing a bunch of random sound effects! None of that means anything!
Christopher Lloyd was originally supposed to play Bobby Wobbly, but plays Lero Sombrero instead- doesn't matter, he loses regardless. But at least this way he doesn't have to say as many lines. This is just more actors looking dead on the inside.
The flying sombrero is powered by dance, because what the HELL ELSE WOULD IT BE?
Ruffy: I'm looking out the window here, and we're not getting closer. Could you dance faster?
Snob: Klaus is right. This movie isn't getting any shorter. The movie figures out what fast-motion is, too little too late. It's already longer than an hour, so it's too damn long! This is the one movie that caused Reverend Jim to go clean and sober.
They make it to the windmill, and I know they couldn't run on the grass, but they couldn't have just walked? They had to take a flying sombrero? And couldn't they have reached the balloon FROM the sombrero?
Goobie: My initial assessment suggests it's too dangerous for climbing.
Snob: But leaning 45 degrees off an airplane tail, well that's fine. Oh, silly me, I forgot that they could ride a magic TULIP up to the top of the windmill!
Ruffy: Okay. This is gettin' REALLY weird!
Snob: It's NOW getting weird? That sombrero train left the station an hour ago!
Ruffy: A tulip? Even with four lips, it wouldn't help.
Snob: Oh, but things aren't too weird for your STUPID JOKES! I hope that when they get to the top, a giant eats them. But they can't quite reach it, so Ruffy has to actually contribute so something again.
Lola: You are going where no other fish has gone before.
Snob: You mean out of the tank? Other fish have done that before, and now he will definitely die. Or just hit on Jaime Pressly.
(Lola kisses Ruffy on the lips)
Lola: Holy mackerel!
(Lero eyes Ruffy)
Snob: He's jealous that she's gonna fuck a fish! That's a thing that just happened!
I'm almost tempted to chant that Ruffy can do it. I want them to find the balloon so this movie can end... and its damn dialogue!
Goobie: Goin' down, anybody?
Snob: No, but someone at Bobbly Wobbly's truck stop is definitely going down on someone. Okay, so I suppose this is the end, and- FUCKING PANTS!
Goobie and Zoozie: Goofy Toofie, pick up your pants!
Snob: I will staple them to your GODDAMN ASS! And how come his pants never fall when they dance?
Toofie: Let's do the best Oogielove cheer ever!
Oogieloves: Snap snap snap, reach for the sky! Snap snap snap, twist them side to side, and s-
Snob: Is that your best? Sounds like the same shit you've been doing this entire time! And Christopher Lloyd came so close to not giving this movie the satisfaction of making him talk!
Lero: Good luck on your big balloon adventure!
Snob: They just got all of the balloons. I think their adventure is over- unless something terrible happens.
(as Goobie) "Nyo, nyo! These are the wrong balloons!"
OH, GOD DAMMIT! ..Okay, that didn't really happen. But this does!
Oogieloves: Oh no!
Zoozie: Come back, magical balloons!
Snob: Just buy the pillow a fucking gift card and call it a day! Or infuriate me some more!
Zoozie: Help us blow kisses to bring the balloons home!
(The Oogieloves blow kisses)
Snob: All you had to do was blow kisses at them, and they would return home? And you could do that this ENTIRE TIME???
Balloon: Love is the most powerful thing of all! More kisses!
Snob: And why would you want them to return home? The balloons are just as molestery as everyone else! And the worst part is...
Schluufy: *gibberish*
J. Edgar: What's that? You want some fresh air, little Schluufy?
Snob: I don't think your pillow knows what a balloon is. In fact, I don't think he knows what most things are. And as part of his birthday, they promise not to drool on him in their sleep. Yep, that's certainly a pillow not giving a shit about any of this!
Balloons: It's your birthday song, time to have some fun! Everybody join in the circus-
Snob: Schluufy the Pillow has no idea what is going on. He probably thinks he's stuck inside of a nightmare! The cast shows up to give him things that he can't possibly do anything with, and Milky Marvin gives him feathers- which is akin to giving a person a set of lower intestines as a gift!
Oh, another dance? Might as well squeeze in one more in the remaining seconds.
Oogieloves: Take one steppy steppy steppy step forward and wiggle wiggle wiggle your knees!
Snob: While children's filmmaking takes one GIANT step backwards! As they're doing this dance, I wonder if Schluufy wishes he had arms and legs. You're kinda rubbing it in there, guys. And then they sacrificed Schluufy the Pillow to their god, the Grimace.
Everyone: It's the Oogie-Oogie-Oogielove, we hope you liked our movie-love, boogie-woogie-Oogielove dance!
Snob: I didn't like your movie. And thus ends the first and only Oogieloves movie you will ever see!
I hesitate to say "what the FUCK, Hollywood?', because I'm pretty sure that even Hollywood doesn't know this movie exists. The film's budget was estimated at 20 million, with another 60 million in marketing! Funny, considering how I only saw one preview for this! At the time of release in 2012, the film set the record for lowest opening weekend for a movie debuting in over 2,000 theaters. The film opened at number 17 at the box office, and its total gross was $1 million.
Oh yeah, and critics didn't like it, either. The film was nominated for a Worst Picture Razzie, but lost to Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2. Yeeah, okay, no. And with a whopping 27 on Rotten Tomatoes, it's only natural the movie has a- 7.0 on IMDb, yet is still number 82 on the IMDb bottom 100? How in the hell does that happen? Oh right, because when you take away all the FAKE votes that the movie obviously got, it actually registers at a 2.7, which is where it sat before someone tried Kirk Cameroning its ratings system!
Oogieloves is the movie equivalent of dangling your keys in front of a kid's face- it that kid was 12. Yeah, a small child will probably like it in that they'd like anything with bright colors, but that doesn't mean that's all you have to show them! As education, it teaches nothing, as a comedy, it's lowbrow, and as a potential franchise, it's cynical and manufactured as hell! It's the kind of movie a parent shows their kid when they have zero respect for them. But it's the kind of movie that an internet series would feature because we have no respect for ourselves. I'd complain more about having to watch this movie, but let's be honest: it was either gonna be this, or some popular religious film from last year. And I decided to get spinning pop stars and talking pillows coughing up their organs out of the way first.
(Scene of Rosalie getting spun around in fast-motion)