The Odd Life of Timothy Green
February 05, 2013
(Intro, comprised of earlier footage of the Nostalgia Critic, plays with rock version of the song "The Review Must Go On". We then cut to the NC sitting in his usual spot)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, seeing how this is February...
(Pictures of a man kissing a woman saying "Thank you, St Valentine!", and the real St Valentine saying "You don't even know what I did.")
NC (vo): ...the month of romance based around a Saint that your uniquely lazy ass will never bother to research...
NC: ...I think we should dedicate this enchanted time of year to "The Month of Love".
(NC turns his head to the right and smiles at the camera, while a logo of a heart with his face is shown in the corner, along with the title "Nostalgia Critic's Month of Love" as well as a harp glissando)
NC: And what better way to start off this month of love than the love one gives to a child?
(A picture of a boy and a girl on a log is shown, with the title "NAMbLA, voice of the north american man/boy love association")
NC: No, no, and your Jacuzzi with barbed wire in Hell is waiting for you. No, I'm talking about the love from parent to child as demonstrated in The Odd Life of Timothy Green.
(The title screen from The Odd Life of Timothy Green is presented, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (vo): This is the story about a couple who can't have a child, until one magically appears in the backyard, and shows them the quirks and whimsy of what it means to be a parent. Now, granted, a lot of people didn't like this film when it first came out. In fact, many declared they'd rather pass a marble bag of kidney stones. But I'm sure such an innocent story couldn't have anything that horrible in it.
NC (vo): How bad could something like this possibly be? Something so adorable, and loveable, and cute, and absolutely charming-
(One viewing later, NC now has blood on his hands)
NC: My apologies to the neighbor's cat. It's just that after seeing a film that was so... cat-killingly bad, I had no choice but to destroy the nearest living creature. I mean... wow. Wow! God Jesus wow! Heaven above Lord shit fuck wow!! This film is horrendous! I mean, it's god-awful! I could rip into this shit storm so much that... that's exactly what I'm gonna do! This is The Odd Terribly Disturbed Life... of Timothy Green. (NC looks sad about what he has done) I'm sorry, Waffles.
(A picture of a cat is shown with "In Loving Memory" underneath while a voice sings "Gloria")
NC (vo): The film opens with a couple, played by Jennifer Garner and Joel Edgerton, who are filling out the paperwork to apply for adopting a child.
Evette Onat: But wait. You didn't answer what makes you qualified.
Jim: Oh, we know. There wasn't enough space.
Cindy: We had so much to say.
(Cut to NC looking unamused with a hand covering his forehead)
NC: Okay...idiots. Word of advice: If your reasoning wouldn't work on your second grade teacher, chances are it wouldn't work on the United States Adoption Services.
NC (vo): I mean, really? There wasn't enough space? That's what you're going with? Imagine using that excuse somewhere else in life.
(Cut to a sketch featuring Critic as a student in a class. he has a white t-shirt and a ball cap turned to the side [he isn't given a name but he sounds like Fuckup McDumbass from the Sonic review]. Rachael Tietz plays the teacher.)
Student: Here's my test, Mrs. Travers!
Mrs. Travers: Um, you failed to answer every single question listed.
Student: (proudly) I know. I just had so much information I could put down for all of them, I decided not to!
Mrs. Travers: I'm sorry. That means you get an F.
Student: As in fantastic?
Mrs. Travers: No, as in fail.
Student: As in fail not to be fantastic?
Mrs. Travers: No, as in you failed the test!
Student: As in I fail the test of not failing the exam that you so currently gave to me?
Mrs. Travers: Why are you still here?
Student: (sadly) I need a mommy.
NC (vo): So they convince the adoption agency to listen to their story about "why there wasn't enough space."
Cindy: You're gonna find it hard to believe. This all began last September.
NC (vo): It turns out that Garner's unable to get pregnant, which forces them to drive back to Stanleyville, the Pencil Capital of The World. (a zoom in on the city's title on the building is shown. NC looks around, then gives an "ooh." Clips of pencils being made in the factory are shown) Oh, and I'm not kidding. They really want you to remember that Stanleyville is the Pencil Capital of the World. They show countless footage of pencils being made, they have a soccer team called the Erasers, Edgerton works for a pencil factory, Garner is a tour guide in a museum dedicated to pencils. By the time the movie is over, you wanna eat the goddamn things. But our couple doesn't seem to have much of an appetite, as they're still heartbroken about Garner being as unfruitful as their vegetable garden.
Jim: I can't do it, I can't move on.
Cindy: Then move out of the way.
(Jim turns the TV off)
Jim: For years, we've been thinking about what our kid would have been like. We can move on tomorrow. Just for tonight, can't we have a kid?
NC: You know, this might sound like a fucking radical idea, but, uh, why not an orphanage?
NC (vo): Yeah, a little weird seeing how the film opens up with them at the orphanage. So it's not like it's never crossed their minds. If having a child meant so much to you, why didn't you just do that before? Were they afraid that something like Timothy might come to life and therefore have to turn another child down?
(We're now in an orphanage with Malcolm Ray as the orphan)
Orphan: (high-pitched voice) Are my new parents nice?
Off-screen voice (Doug): They certainly are and they're gonna give you a good home.
Orphan: Yay! I can't wait to have a real mom and dad!
Voice: Oh, I'm so sorry! It says here that they've grown a child in the backyard that's absolutely perfect in every way, in which case, they don't have any need for you anymore.
Orphan: No need?
Voice: None. I'm sorry, I know it's the third time this month.
Orphan: (voice is now deeper) Man, fuck this shit. I'm 18 and I'm still not adopted. (he then gets up and leaves)
NC (vo): But, they decide to fantasize for just one night, and thus, the Build-a-Kid workshop is opened.
(Jim and Cindy are writing down their ideas for their ideal kid on a notepad)
Cindy: Would our kid be musical?
Jim: Our kid would ROCK!
Cindy: Love and be loved.
Jim: How great an athlete are you picturing?
Cindy: You were terrible at soccer.
Jim: Our kid, amazing kid, got to score the winning goal.
(Cut to a confused Critic as the two go silent).
Jim & Cindy: AHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Cut back to the Critic who shouts back in fear of the sudden outburst. The would-be parents continue to cheer)
NC: Okay, could you not show how "in tuned" you are in such a loud, scary way?
NC (vo): So they put their drawings and butt-vaginas in a box and bury it in the backyard, convinced that they could now move on with their lives. But then...
(Cue 'Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor' as we see the garden in the middle of a downpour. We are then shown Jim and Cindy meeting the mysterious child Timothy for the first time)
NC (vo): So we get our first look at our Children of the Corn who has leaves on his ankles and apparently is thoroughly convinced that he has always belonged to this couple.
Cindy: You can call us Mr. and Mrs. Green...
Timothy: Mom, really? Dad...
(Timothy smiles at the befuddled couple)
NC: So, of course, they have to fill out a report or go to the police, or put out a poster saying 'Missing Child'...
Cindy (whispering to Jim): Is he for us?
Jim: I'm getting that, yeah.
NC: Kidnapping works, too. I'm always shocked how many people don't consider that option.
NC (vo): I mean, when you look past that whole "illegal" and "emotionally scarring" thing, it's actually pretty logical.
NC: You know, you CAN turn him in to the authorities, guys! It's not like E.T.!
(Cut to the start of the bike flying scene from E.T.)
NC (vo): They have walkie-talkies now instead of guns.
(Cut back to the Critic, shocked into realization that...)
NC: Oh, wait, they changed it back in the DVD version, didn't they? RUN, TIMMY, RUN!!!!
NC (vo): So Garner's sister shows up the next day and our new parents try to explain the appearance of our little friend.
(Cut to a garden party with Cindy and her sister making sandwiches)
Cindy: It was all very sudden, and kind of miraculous.
Brenda: Aah,...I mean, I thought you were trying to have a real kid.
NC: AAAAND let's add her to the list of horrible pieces of human shit in this film. (A list appears titled "Horrible Pieces of Human Shit" and "Sister Bitch" is added on the list) Trust me, the list will grow.
NC (vo): In fact, there's one right now. (Jim's father appears) Edgerton's father, who apparently spends most of his time away from his son, who has resented him ever since. But Timmy hopes he can win his grandfather over with a trailer shot.
(Said trailer shot is a 360 panoramic sweep of Timothy, arms stretched out and eyes closed)
NC (vo): Ah, yes, he must be doing this because he's a plant, and therefore basking when the sun comes out. Except for the fact that the sun was CLEARLY out several other times before, but the cameraman wasn't ready for his 360 shot yet. His grandfather acts accordingly.
(A smack sound effect is heard as a ball is thrown at Timothy's head. We cut back to the interview room)
Evette: What did you say to your father after he bonked the boy with leaves in the head?
Jim: I didn't say anything.
NC (vo): And, yes, the adoption agency is still listening to the story and allowing them to continue. Because if I ran an adoption agency, I'd say to myself, "Yeah! This is worth my valuable time! Not turning these people away and instead looking for parents who don't think the Cabbage Patch Kids are based on a true story. I'd... I'd listen, too!" I could only imagine what that guy is writing down on his notepad the whole time.
(Cut to a notepad with the word "INSANE!" in big bold letters surrounded by other words like "crazy" "make it stop" "names in a box?" "grew child?" "leaves? scissors?" "are we being punked?" "we are being punked" "call 911" and "wtf?" all filling up the page. There's also a note saying "Dinner with Melissa @ 8:00." This cut is lovingly accompanied by Merrie Melodies theme "Merrily We Roll Along". We cut back to the pencil factory)
NC: Oh, thank God! We almost took the focus of the movie away from pencils.
Franklin Crudstaff: Worst case scenario, my aunt and my father would have no choice but to close the factory.
NC (vo): But Edgerton is called away from the pencil pushers as it appears Timmy has been beaten up at school.
Jim: (to Timothy) This kind of thing happened to me when I was your age. And all I wanted was for my dad to have my back. And he didn't.
NC: Bottom line, as long as you come out of this with a healthy hatred for your grandfather, I'll consider myself a good father.
NC (vo): But, OH! It turns out the father of those bullies is actually his boss. Wah-wah.
Boss: Are you really gonna fight all his battles for him? Do you think that's wise?
NC: (as the boss) Why can't you be like me? I let my kids get away with murder!
Boss' wife: Next Saturday, we're having a birthday party pool bash, and we'd love it if Timothy would come.
(Cut back to the interview)
Evette: Oh, please, don't tell me. You took him back to the house of the boys that bullied him?
Cindy: He really wanted to go.
Evette: So you let him decide what was best.
Jim: I thought it was time for him to fight his own battles.
Cindy: We just forgot to ask if he could swim.
NC (vo): And you're probably starting to see what the main problem with this movie is. Not the fact that they're telling a story that nobody not kicked by a horse could believe or that they live in a town with more inbred jerks than a TLC show.
NC: Oh, don't get me wrong, those are GREAT things to hate!
NC (vo): But the parenting in this movie is awful! I mean, really, really awful! They're trying to tell this story to show how much they've learned, but all we ever see is them constantly acknowledge that they always make the wrong choices! How is that gonna win them over?
(Cut to a later scene at the adoption agency)
Jim: We were gonna have...
Jim & Cindy: The talk...
Jim : ..that we didn't really know how to have...
Cindy: That was the plan. The talk.
NC (vo): And here's another little annoying tidbit they do a lot in this movie. The couple completes their sentences a little too often.
Jim: Everything had changed...
Cindy: There he was, leaves and all...
Jim: Didn't matter where he came from...
Cindy: He was ours...
Jim: We were his...
Cindy: And we were a family...
Jim: We were a family!
NC (vo): And when I say a little too often, I mean all the fucking time!
Cindy: How do you tell your child that something's not possible?
Jim: That it can't be done?
Cindy: When they believe in you like that?
Jim: We didn't want to disappoint him.
Cindy: No! We got busy!
NC (vo): I'm sure again this is to show how 'in-tune' they are, but it's pretty obnoxious. I mean, they just never stop doing it. I'd love once to see a couple complete each other's sentences without getting right what the other was going to say.
(Cut to a skit featuring the Critic and Rachel Tietz, parodying Jim and Cindy. They are sitting in an office, making their case to the same adoption panel from the movie. Light piano music is heard)
Husband: It didn't matter where he came from...
Wife: He was ours...
Husband: We were his...
Wife: We were a family...
Husband: It was the greatest day since...
Wife: He discovered Viagra!
(The piano fades out quickly. The husband glances at his wife in embarrassment)
Husband: That wasn't what...
Wife: A penis should look like, until he started taking it.
Husband: Maybe if you let me finish...
Wife: He would say all the time, but nothing ever came out!!!
Husband: I don't think we should talk about this...
Wife: (pulls out a drawing) Without visuals.
(The drawing is of the husband crying hysterically in bed with a frowning face drawn over where the crotch is and the wife looking away in disgust)
Husband: Jesus Christ!
Wife: ...he would cry every night until I showed him the online ad!
Husband: Dammit, honey! This is already hard enough!!!
Wife: ...was the name of the brand we got.
Husband: (laughs nervously) This is...
Wife: ... why we can't have children.
Husband: Can we just go back to talking about the child that we grew in our backyard? I think we were winning her over much better than that. Right?
(Cut to footage of Evette looking very confused)
Husband: What's with the straight face?
(Cut to the pool party where suddenly a teenage girl in her swimsuit appears strolling along the pool)
NC: Oh, and just to make things better, let's throw prepubescent lust into the mix.
(The girl and Timothy stare at each other while music plays)
NC (vo; mimicking Timothy): I think one of my stems is beginning to grow!
(Timothy smiles awkwardly while he hops up and down the diving board of the pool. NC watches with a tense expression)
NC: I'm guessing that's the mating dance of mulch.
(Timothy jumps into the pool)
NC (vo): Timmy seems to stay underwater for a while and...since the world's greatest parents are nowhere to be found, the girl dives in after him, ultimately discovering Timmy's little secret.
(Underwater, the girl takes off one of the socks he is wearing to find out that he has leaves on his legs)
NC: (mimicking Timothy) Nobody touches the leaves, bitch!
(Timothy kicks the girl in the face with a pow sound effect added by NC while he swims away)
NC (vo): You saw it right, folks. Sweet, innocent Timmy kicked the girl he has a crush on right dab in the schnauzer.
(We are shown the scene of Timothy kicking the girl in the face again)
NC (vo): Geesh, kid, when they said "fight your own battles," they didn't mean underwater flash kicks.
(The scene is shown again, but with a Bruce Lee kung fu scream added in with the kicking. We cut to a scene of the family driving home from the pool party)
NC (vo): And speaking of fighting your own battles, what advice do Mom and Dad of the Year have to give?
Timothy: What do I do about the girl I kicked in the head?
Jim: Well, if you see her coming...just run the other way.
NC (vo; laughs): Hey, kids. Let's play a game. It's called "Politicians". One second, I'll say one thing, and then another moment, I'll say something totally different. (Points to the right)
Jim: I thought it was time he learned to fight his own battles.
(NC points to the left)
Jim: Just run the other way.
(NC points to the right)
Jim: I thought it was time he learned to fight his own battles.
(NC points to the left)
Jim: Just run the other way.
(NC points back and forth between the two clips faster)
Jim: Fight his own battles. Run the other way. Fight his own battles. Run the other way.
NC: Now, let's play another game. It's called, "START MAKING SENSE, YOU FUCKING TOOLS!"
NC (vo): But she (the girl) takes the whole "leaves on his ankle thing" unrealistically well, as it turns out she has a jellystain (birthmark) in the shape of Wisconsin on her chest. So I guess that means they have something in common. Of course, her secret is minor and pedestrian, where he is...a living abomination of nature, but we have to have something for this forced romance to go off of.
(Timothy's riding on the girl's bike with her while Cindy looks on. Cut to Jim at the pencil factory getting called by her)
Cindy: (on phone) Look out your window. (Jim sees the girl and Timothy passing by) You told him to run the other way when he saw her and he's not running.
NC (vo): But Timmy's parents don't like this at all. Because...
NC: I have no fucking idea.
NC (vo): We don't know a thing about her, she's done nothing wrong, and yet they advise Timmy to constantly stay away from her.
(Jim and Timothy are kicking a soccer ball around in the backyard)
Jim: There are so many girls...
Cindy: It would be a mistake to focus on just one fish.
NC: (mimics the parents) What we're trying to say, son, is stay away from the girl we know nothing about. Exploring her differences could only get in the way of isolating her more. (Speaks normally) Ugh, this movie's too hard to watch and I need a break. We'll be right back after these people try to sell you something.
(He gets up and the NC theme plays before going to our first commercial. It has Malcolm and Rachel as a pair of parents on a couch)
Narrator: Hey, Mom and Dad. Or should I say, Lisa and Bob? Are you depressed that you can't have a child of your own? (They nod) Are you sad that the miracle of childbirth will never take place in your life? (They nod again) Do you find it unbearable that you will never know the gift of creation, (Lisa starts crying, leaning onto Bob for support) the growth of the young, or the unconditional love any human being could ever give to you as long as you live? Are you tired of your shriveled up wo--
Narrator: Well, cry no more! (Lisa looks back with excitement) 'Cause we've invented... (a couple flashes of a fetus are shown before coming to our product...)
(The product is the Chia Child)
Narrator: Chia Child. (Lisa and Bob are looking over notes of paper like Jim and Cindy used to make Timmy) The instructions are very simple. (Bob holding up a card that says "BLACK") Just write down exactly what you'd like your Chia Child to be like, (Lisa replaces the card with "WHITE." They then put the notes into a shoebox) place it in the Chia Child box, (a shovel is picked up) bury it in the backyard, (a shot of clouds in the sky) Just add God*, (*Copyrighted by the Life of the World to Come, Amen) (Now there's a girl, played by Briana Laws, with Lisa and Bob, all of them smiles) and Chia Child is yours.
Lisa: I always wanted a girl with no imperfections at all. Just like a real child! (Ch-ch-ch-child!)
Bob: I always dreamed of a little someone that I could project my insecurities onto, and that seems to have arrived.
Girl: Look, I drew a picture (showing a picture of an old man with "YOU SUCK!!" under it) about how much you hate grandfather because he didn't raise you right.
Bob: And now I get to pass down that hatred to you. (Ch-ch-ch-child!)
(The new family's playing catch in the house. Flashing on screen are bits like "Only 72 payments of $24.95" "Warning: any ethical arguments you may have will be ignored" and "Order while supplies last or until we're caught.")
Narrator: Chia Child will last up to three months, or until you feel the emotional and symbolic justification of what it means to be a family.
Lisa: I'll admit. At first, (the family's now playing Mario Kart with the parents using Gamecube controllers and the child using a Wii steering wheel) we didn't think we'd be very good parents.
Bob: But Chia Child seems to be calm and pleasant no matter what mistakes we make. (Seems the girl won as Lisa throws her controller down, then takes the Wii wheel)
Lisa: So now we don't have to worry about any of that pesky moral responsibility.
(The parents are now watching her draw)
Narrator: Chia Child simply combines these natural elements (the elements being Treebeard from Lord of the Rings, Poison Ivy from Batman and Robin, and the demon from The Exorcist) to give you that loveable family that you've seen in most Sears catalogues. (The family's dancing in the living room while Bob holds up a stereo. Next scene of the parents hugging their child) And, when Chia Child has worn out her usefulness, (Lisa's now hitting the ground with a shovel) just bury her in the backyard and make another one. (And the parents are making another Chia Child)
Bob: I'm so glad that something like Chia Child exists.
Lisa: Yeah. I mean, do you know how long it takes to adopt a child? Eighteen months. Hell, I can get a gun in a week. (She then brings up a gun behind Bob's head, cocking it) Now make me a sandwich.
Bob: Man, we're nuts!
Narrator: Chia Child. The child that grows when your parenting blows. Available in Daughter Lily (picture of a little girl) and Son Flower (picture of a little boy).
(Now we get the actual commercial break. Once it's over, we get the NC theme before going back to the review)
NC (vo): So here's another smart move. They sign Timmy up for soccer class, even though he has no talent in the sport and doesn't really have much interest. Even rappers (the coach being played by Lonnie "Common" Lynn) who are looking to tell their wives they did a damn kids movie agree.
Jim: This would really be good for him.
Cindy: Well, this is the best possible way for him to make some friends.
Coach Cal: Coach Cal doesn't see it.
NC: (arms folded like Coach Cal) Coach Cal likes speaking in the third person. Coach Cal thinks if a crusty old white man like Bob Dole can do it, Coach Cal can, too.
(Timothy's at the tryouts for the team)
NC (vo): But Coach Cal signs him up anyway because... (and Timothy falls before he can kick the ball) Coach Cal likes losing?
Jim: Excuse me, coach. I just want to say that, uh, I'll be working with him around the clock as necessary just to get him, you know...
Coach Cal: Please tell me you're not "those" kind of parents. The type who get over-involved and over-invested.
Cindy: We are definitely not those kind of parents.
NC: (as Cindy) We never get invested in what our kid does. He almost drowned the other day.
Coach Cal: Then we won't have a problem.
NC (vo): Well, this is all fine and good, but...
NC: Can't we find some way to bring this back to pencils?
(That night, Timothy talks with his parents)
Jim: That Halloween, your mom went as a pencil.
Cindy: It feels to me that with a pencil, anything is possible.
Timothy: That is so true.
NC: Yyyes! Pencils are the lead filled goddesses of the universe and don't you forget it!
Jim: To think that we may not be making these things anymore.
Timothy: Why not make a new kind of pencil?
NC: Didn't you hear? (He holds out his right hand as a pencil appears in a holy light with an angelic choir) The pencil is already perfect! To redesign it would be to redesign Avalon!
NC (vo): So they decide to make a new pencil, one made entirely out of leaves. Yeah, I know, I call bullshit, too. But not as much bullshit as this scene where Garner takes Timmy to her work and her boss, played by Dianne Wiest, is not thrilled about her new portrait.
Ms. Crudstaff: Little man, what do you think of that?
Timothy: Not much. I would have done it for free.
Ms. Crudstaff: You're suggesting you could do it better?
Timothy: I can try.
Ms. Crudstaff: Let's find out.
Cindy: He's only ten years old.
Ms. Crudstaff: Don't you have somewhere to be?
Cindy: Of course I do.
Ms. Crudstaff: Shoo.
NC: (as Ms. Crudstaff) Just leave me alone in a room with your son whom I've only known for a few minutes and yet I'm instantly forcing a challenge onto.
(He then adds "Bossy Whore" to the "Horrible Pieces of Human Shit" list which now has "Jerk-Ass Grandpa" and "That Guy from Office Space". Back to the film. Timothy takes off the boss's glasses and unties her hair)
NC (vo): So, of course, Timmy naturally draws her.
(Music from Titanic is played as Timothy draws Ms. Crudstaff before cutting to an elderly Rose Dawson)
Rose Dawson: My heart was pounding the whole time. (back to Timothy and Ms. Crudstaff) It was the most erotic moment of my life.
NC (vo): Of course, the picture looks great, but unfortunately, he adds a little too much detail in the goat chin department. Watch Garner, once again, be a great role model for her kid.
Ms. Crudstaff: So, what else aren't you telling me?
Cindy: Sometimes, you wear plaids and stripes that clash. Your one joke that you tell, it's not funny. I have tried so hard to like you, but if someone asked me to be a pallbearer at your funeral, I would tell them, "not by the hair of my chinny chin chin." And furthermore...
(Back to the adoption agency)
Jim: Cindy lost her job.
Cindy: I lost my job.
(And Evette just about facepalms at this)
NC: Oh, that's fine. I mean, at least you still have the other job that we've been discussing the last hour and a half is gonna go out of business and most likely leave you financially stranded. (beat) THIIIINNKKK!!!
(Timmy's now with his friend, the girl named Joni)
Cindy: He didn't know what he was doing with the girl.
Jim: So Cindy did what she thought was best.
(As the kids run down the road, Cindy's seen in the minivan watching them)
NC (vo): Oh, this can make you look better.
(Cindy meets up with Joni)
Cindy: We need to talk.
Joni: Okay, let's talk.
Cindy: I don't think that you're the best influence on my son. And I want you to tell me what you know about him.
NC (vo): What the...what did she do? Lady, last I checked, your kid nailed her (replaying the kick in the pool) in the fucking head! Who's the bad influence on who?
Cindy: It's a hard world to be different in, and I don't want him to be hurt by you or anyone. I won't let it happen.
NC: (as Cindy) I see the way you pay attention to him and show concern in his life. I think it's sick!
NC (vo): So she finds out they were building a little hideout for each other and that the girl she had no reason to hate, surprise, she has no reason to hate. So, maybe this'll teach her not to be so hasty with her decision. Even with her contrived, unrealistically nasty sister.
(Cindy speaks with her sister Brenda as Timothy works as a waterboy for a soccer game)
Cindy: Did you know Timothy's gifted?
Brenda: How so?
Cindy: He always finds a bright side.
Brenda: That'll get you into college.
Cindy: He's a great artist.
Brenda: Well, look where that got you.
Cindy: I have to say that I...
Brenda: Well, I'm listening.
NC: (holding out his phone like Brenda) I'm just checking to see if my name's replaced the c-word yet.
Cindy: He's musical.
Brenda: (looks away from her phone) Really?
NC (vo): So she makes up a lie about her son, and wouldn't you know it, the sister calls Timmy up unexpectedly at her recital to have him play something.
(At the music recital, Cindy and Jim try to get away with Timothy as Brenda announces him)
Brenda: Sit back and enjoy the musical stylings of Timothy Green.
Cindy: You know, we're running late.
Timothy: No, Mom, it's okay.
Cindy: You know what--
Timothy: It's fine, Mom.
NC: Okay, for the record, just because you make one the spawn of Satan doesn't make the other one a good human being. (Images of Brenda and Cindy are shown)
NC (vo): So, (imitates a cliffhanger announcer) how will Timmy get out of this one?
(Timothy starts banging a rhythm on a cowbell. Jim then starts humming and singing the same rhythm Timothy's playing before joining him)
Jimmy: (singing) All my friends know the low rider.
(Cindy then pipes in with the horn bits of the song, making NC reel back a bit. Cindy now joins Jim and Timothy up front as War's "Low Rider" plays)
NC: You know, I remember when I paid good money to hear (picture of...) Josh Groban and his wonderful, angelic voice, but...spur of the moment, just whimsical magic, he...bent over backwards and started tooting a horn out of his buttcheeks. (A picture of said description is shown) It was butterflies-in-your-stomach awkward and sounded horrendous, but...at least he was having fun?
(The Greens are getting into their performance, before we see a clip of Christopher Walken as Bruce Dickinson in Saturday Night Live)
Christopher Walken: I got a fever. And the only prescription is more cowbell.
(Back to the movie. Timothy and his parents come home to celebrate their musical moment, before cutting to another soccer game Timothy and her parents attend the next day)
NC (vo): So...I...guess the movie feels...they won that moment. And the next day at the game, Edgerton's father shows up and starts to leave. But his son guarantees that this time, Timmy will be put in the game because all season long, the coach has been leaving him out.
Jim: There's your difference maker today. That's your game changer right there. (Timothy is pouring the soccer balls out of the bag)
Coach Cal: You're kidding, right?
Jim: Do I look like I'm kidding?
Coach Cal: I put your son in the game, he won't live to see his next birthday. If you don't mind, we got a game to win.
NC: I'm sorry. Why did Coach Cal pick him if he knew he was never gonna use him in the game?
NC (vo; imitating Coach Cal): Coach Cal has a sick sense of humor. Coach Cal likes to see children's dreams get obliterated...by Coach Cal.
(One of the Erasers' players gets checked hard, clutching his leg)
Cindy: No. Jim!
Jim: Is he okay?
(A clip of Marty McFly from Back to the Future: Part III is shown)
Marty: He's an asshole!
Jim: I hope he's okay.
NC (vo): But one of the kids hurts their ankles, and so, he does end up putting him in the game.
(Everyone watches as Timothy enters the game)
Coach Cal: Okay, Green, come on.
Brenda: Oh, hit me with a stick. They're not putting that boy in!
Cindy: Actually, they are. It's good. Trust me.
Jim: Who's your daddy?
Brenda: Has he been drinking?
NC: (as Brenda) I am so disgusted by this human emotion you mortals call love!
NC (vo): At first, he seems to do little. But then the sun comes out, and...
(Timothy holds his arms out for another spinning trailer shot, though now with Popeye's power-up music. Just as another player comes to try and get the ball out, Timothy then starts playing the game seriously, dribbling the ball away from the other players)
Popeye (vo): I got a special delivery.
Jim: Just like we practiced!
Brenda: I don't believe it!
Cindy: Oh, believe it, sister! For years, I've been listening about how perfect your kids are! Well, look at that! That kid is mine!
Jim: I should have been like that 'cause I have skills! But, no!
NC (vo): Oh-ho, that's what it's all about! Our kid accomplishing goals set by other people's standards. And look, he even makes the winning shot...
(Timothy makes the shot...)
NC (vo): ...for the other team. Yeah, that's right. You thought that cliché died with the 90s, but, nope, Disney brought it back. Do you get it, though? Do you get it? (We briefly cut back to when the Greens were making up their ideal kid) In the opening, they predicted that their boy would shoot the winning shot. It just happened to be for the other team. Doh, you should've been more specific on your boy growing cards.
(The final score is shown to be Bone Crushers 2-1 over the Erasers. We cut back to the adoption agency)
Evette: Stop! Your time's up.
Jim: You have to let us finish.
Cindy: You have to hear the whole thing. You have to.
Jim: Excuse me. With all due respect, we're not leaving.
(Under Evette, a caption pops up saying "Sanity of all Mankind Questioned in: 4...3...2...1")
NC (vo): What the fuck--!?
Evette: That said, it's your time to use as you choose.
NC: Yeah, the scene they don't show you is this.
(Another adoption agency scene is shown with an added shot of NC, acting as Evette, added in, pushing a button marked "SECURITY" under the desk, at first with two fingers, but then with four fingers)
Cindy: I decided that our son would not be seen as different or weird. He'd be treated like a normal kid. Because that's what he's going to be.
(We cut to the Greens at the school at night, watching Timothy and Joni peacefully say goodbye to each other)
Joni: Timothy! (She and Timmy hug)
Jim: I don't mean to pry, buddy, but it looks like you broke up with her.
Timothy: No. I let her go.
NC (vo): Well, that is so tragic, despite that breaking up and letting go is essentially the same thing, but...
NC: I'm sorry. What does any of this have to do with pencils?
(Cut to a town meeting, attended by the whole town, hosted by Joseph Crudstaff, who is showing the leaf pencil Timothy had made)
Joseph Crudstaff: This is a new kind of pencil. Made almost entirely out of leaves.
NC (vo): I swear, if someone doesn't fuck a pencil by the time this movie is over, I'll make sure it happens for them!
Joseph: It will not only save trees, but will save our factory.
(The room breaks out into cheers, before showing Franklin drinking out of a mug with "Boss" on it)
NC (vo): But it turns out the boss, the one drinking the great big boss mug...see, he's the boss in case you forgot, huh, he's the boss (Arrows flash on the mug saying "Boss! Mean! Evil! Not Nice!") ...has taken credit for creating the leaf pencil. But Timmy stands up and tells the truth.
Timothy: The new pencil's thought up by my parents, Jim and Cindy Green.
Franklin: Oh, look here, it's the boy who kicked the winning goal for the other team.
(The crowd laughs at Timothy)
NC: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Children are to be mocked and shamed.
Jim: Do not pick on my son. If you so much as even look at him funny, you'll have to deal with me.
Grandpa: And me.
NC (vo; as Grandpa): I'm here for my last-minute redemption.
Ms. Crudstaff: How did you come up with this idea to make a pencil out of leaves?
Timothy: Because I have leaves on my legs.
NC (vo): So they reveal that they must've come up with the idea to make a pencil out of leaves because...well, it's probably made out of half of his skin.
(Timothy lifts his pant leg up to show one brown leaf left on his leg)
Timothy: I used to have more.
NC (vo): But being the ever observant douche piñatas that they are, the parents never noticed all this time that his leaves were falling off. (Timothy and his parents are shown arriving home, where Timothy reveals the truth to them) And he finally reveals that when the leaves go, so does he.
Cindy: Sweetie, you can't!
Jim: There is so much we have left to do.
Cindy: We're just starting to get good at this.
Timothy: You're ready.
Timothy: You were always ready.
NC: (he's about to smack his head on the desk, but focuses it on yelling) LICK MY DICK, movie!
NC (vo): They're as ready to start a family as a goddamn suicide club!
(It's a stormy night and the door is swinging open. They go to where they dug their wishes for a child and all that's there is the box. Cindy cries into Jim)
NC (vo): So he vanishes, presumably going to the great fertilizer in the sky, as our now childless parents finish their tale.
(We go back to the adoption agency once more)
Evette: Thank you. I think that's all we'll need.
Cindy: That's it? That...
Jim: Thank you.
(Evette and her assistant leave)
NC (vo; as Evette): I'm going to call the phone service and get the mental ward on speed dial.
NC: So, if you worked for an adoption agency and heard a story that was so bizarre that even Rod Serling would start chewing his balls off in the middle of it, also taking into account that the parents have done nothing but proven how incompetently unprepared they are to take care of a human being, would you allow them to have a child in their custody--of course you would!
(The final scene shows a young girl being let out of a car, this girl being Jim and Cindy's new foster daughter)
NC (vo): I'm surprised they didn't give them six, ten, hell, half of the orphanage to look after! Yeah, I'd believe it! I'D FUCKING BELIEVE IT!
NC: WOW! J-j-just...WOW! You know, let's assume just for a moment that this story...
NC: (vo) ...that would've gotten tons of media coverage didn't make it to the attention of the adoption agency, and they did their research and found that it checked out.
NC: The reason these two should not be allowed to have a child is explained in one scene shown earlier.
(He points to the screen, and we cut to another scene at the adoption agency)
Evette: What would you do differently?
Cindy: We'd make better mistakes?
Jim: Not the same.
Jim: New mistakes.
Cindy: That's...that's what we'd do.
(Brief cut to an earlier shot of the scene)
Jim: Isn't that how you know you're a parent?
(NC is shown to be double facepalming)
NC: So, your argument is...you fucked up, you're glad you fucked up, and you will continue to fuck up in new and spectacular ways.
(A long beat, as NC smiles and shakes his head, before suddenly snapping in anger)
NC: NO!! (He pulls down a graphic with psychedelic colors with the word "NO!" in bright red) NOOOO!!! (He pulls the graphic up, extremely ticked off) YOU MAKE MISTAKES SO YOU CAN LEARN FROM THEM! NOT SO YOU CAN MAKE MORE MISTAKES! ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH!?
(A montage of clips of Timothy experiencing all the various aspects of his life are shown as NC speaks)
NC (vo): Sure, everybody messes up! It's gonna happen, but it happens so you can get better and make the right choices. These two never got better at what they did! If anything, they just got worse and worse! Why? Because they never learned that you're supposed to...LEARN!
NC: You wanna know one of the most important things you can do for your kid that these parents almost never did throughout this entire film? Ask your kids questions! Think about it! They almost never did it!
NC (vo): Right down to "Where did he come from? What do you know? Say, you seem to know a lot about this stuff but seem very mysterious about it, but would you mind telling us that? What are your likes? What are your dislikes? Fuck it, we're signing you up for soccer! You play any instruments? Fuck it, go up there and play something! Who's that girl? I don't care, stay away from her!"
NC: (pounding on his desk) It's why they never knew anything! Well, I can tell you that I know something for sure! THIS MOVIE IS A COCK-SALAD!
(Clips of the movie play once more as he gives his closing summary)
NC (vo): I feel bad, because I know the actors are trying. Hell, the kid is actually even pretty good in it. But I'm sorry, no amount of acting skill can save something this horribly put together. It knows what it wants to say, but has no idea how to say it correctly. It's a bad vegetable that should be turned in for better produce! I mean, hey, everybody should get a practice kid before they get a real kid to try out on.
NC: Well, maybe not everyone. (Points to an image of Jim and Cindy) JUST THESE SICK, SELFISH IDIOTS! (He smacks the picture away, making it scream) I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so you don't have to! (He's about to get up, then turns back to the camera) KEEP YOUR CATS AWAY FROM ME!
(Now he gets up and leaves, bringing us to the credits)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Coach Cal: Coach Cal doesn't see it.
(Now we get another ad)
NC: Hey, guys, Nostalgia Critic here. It's good to be back, especially after being put in that surreal Plot Hole. I mean, sure the accommodations could be nice, but it does weird things to your memory. Like there was even one point I didn't recognize myself. And I started going crazy reviewing all my old stuff like Kickassia, Suburban Knights and To Boldly Flee. There's even a strange moment where I thought they were not good! And even started making fun of them. Heh-heh, heh. Emm... Because you probably love to see me make an ass out of myself, (The DVD for Nostalgia Critic Reloaded is shown) it's now available on DVD. For a limited time only, you can get Nostalgia Critic Reloaded. But it not only has a review of the anniversary films by yours truly, it also has a live review of Twilight: Breaking Dawn 2, all my characters remembering the Nostalgia Critic in fond and mostly non-fond ways. The best Nostalgia Critic moments that never happened featuring Egoraptor, a look at the original locations and sets of the Nostalgia Critic, and more. So what are you waiting for? Get Nostalgia Critic Reloaded on DVD while they're still in stock. And maybe you can see me...loaded.